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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe
8 CONCERT BEAT
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUEISSUE 6 • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 172. JANUARY 1 -2,7,2010 2014
Concert listings from many places
10 CLUB & PUBS
We are working on it but need your help please send info
BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.
12 HOT SHOTS
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TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review ALBUM REVIEW 16 Done by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant NEW YEARS 2014 19 HAPPY By: Elle Spaulding 10 MOVIES OF 2013 25 TOP By: Nicholas Gaskins 26 ZODIAC Your astrology for the week
12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 39
36 JOKES & COMICS A few chuckles to get you through the week
MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY: FRAGRANCE OF WAR
--Updating “The Smell of Napalm in the Morning”: A cosmetics company in Gaza recently began selling a fragrance dedicated to victory over Israel and named after the signature M-75 missile that Hamas has been firing across the border. “The fragrance is pleasant and attractive,” said the company owner, “like the missiles of the Palestinian resistance,” and comes in masculine and feminine varieties, at premium prices (over, presumably, the prices of ordinary Gazan fragrances). Sympathizers can splash on victory, he said, from anywhere in the world.
GOVERMENT IN ACTION!
--The Philadelphia Traffic Court has been so infused with ticket-fixing since its founding in 1938 that a recent Pennsylvania Supreme Court report on the practice seemed resigned to it, according to a November Philadelphia Inquirer account. One court employee was quoted as defending the favoritism as fair (as long as no money changed hands) on the grounds that anyone could get local politicians to call a judge for him. Thus, said the employee, “It was the (traffic) violator’s own fault if he or she didn’t know enough” to get help from a political connection. Traffic Judge Christine Solomon, elected in November 2011 after a career as a favor-dispensing “ward healer,” said the ticket-fixing was “just politics, that’s all.” --More than 200 school districts in California have covered current expenses with “capital appreciation bonds,” which allow borrowers to forgo payments for years -- but at some point require enormous balloon payments. A Los Angeles Times investigation revealed that districts have borrowed about $3 billion and thus are on the hook for more than $16 billion. “It’s the school district equivalent of a payday loan,” said California State Treasurer Bill Lockyer, a former school board member who said he’d fire anyone who sought such loans. (Some defenders of the loans pointed to schools’ occasional need for immediate money so they could qualify for federal matching grants -- which, to the districts, would be “free” money.) --One of the principal recommendations following the Sept. 11 attacks was that emergency and rescue personnel have one secure radio frequency on which all agencies that were merged into the Department of Homeland Security could communicate. In November, the department’s inspector general revealed that, despite $430 million allotted to build and operate the frequency in the last nine years, it remains almost useless to DHS’ 123,000 employees. The report surveyed 479 workers, but found only one who knew how to find the frequency, and 72 percent did not even know one
POLICE REPORT --Anthony Johnson, 49, was convicted in October in Hartford, Conn., of stealing an improbably large amount of money -- as much as $70,000 a weekend, off and on for five years -- by crawling on the floor of darkened theaters and lifting credit cards from purses that movie-watching women had set down. The FBI said Johnson was careful to pick films likely to engross female viewers so that he could operate freely. He was often able to finish up, leave the theater, and make cash-advance withdrawals from ATMs before the movie had ended. --Things That Almost Never Happen: In October, a 34-year-old man being detained by Port St. Lucie, Fla., police on an indecent-exposure complaint convinced the officer to free him based on showing the officer his testicles. (A woman had complained that the man was masturbating in public, but the man apparently demonstrated an impressively severe rash that he said he could not avoid scratching.) --Niles Gammons of Urbana, Ohio, apparently did some partying on Saturday night, Nov. 3, because he managed a rare DUI daily double. He was first cited for DUI at 1:08 a.m. Sunday and then, 60 minutes later, he was again cited for DUI at 1:08 a.m. (The first was during daylight saving time; the second was after the changeover.)
PEOPLE WITH ISSUES --Justin Jedlica, 32, of New York City, bills himself as the “human Ken doll” after a 10-year odyssey of cosmetic surgery (90 procedures) to achieve the “perfect” body. “I love to metamorphosize myself, and the stranger the surgery, the better,” he told ABC News in October, even though the amount of silicone in his body, say doctors (when told of Jedlica’s various implants), has reached a dangerous level. He dismisses actually “earning” the body, through gym workouts, as just “not exciting, not glamorous.” (Of course, the “perfect” body is never perfect, Jedlica acknowledged, as illustrated by his recollection of his first surgery -- to get a perfect nose -- which is still not done after three follow-ups. “Just got to get that nose up a few more millimeters,” he said.
PERSPECTIVE --Human rights activists have for years deplored the preferences for male offspring in India and other nations -- ranging from cultures that marginalize female babies to some that practice discreet infanticide of girls. Increasingly, though, because of “advances” in science, Westerners can buy expensive in vitro fertilization procedures that use a laser to breach a fertilized embryo to determine whether it contains XY chromosome pairs (i.e., males) or larger XX ones so that only the desired-gender embryos are chosen. Noted Slate.com in September, such procedures are illegal in Canada, Australia and the United Kingdom (except for bona fide medical reasons), but legal in the United States.
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
existed (and half the department’s radios couldn’t have accessed it even if employees knew where to look). --Remember Alaska’s “Bridge to Nowhere”?: In November, the Anchorage Daily News reported the Army Corps of Engineers is building a harbor on the Aleutian native community’s island of Akutan, even though there is no road away from it. Thus, reported KUCB Radio, the only way to get into or out of the harbor is by boat. Any connector road to the only town on the island is “likely years in the future,” according to the Daily News. As well, there is no assurance that the largest business in the area, Trident Seafoods, would ever use the harbor.
INCREDIBLE --Deputy NYPD Commissioner Paul Browne told reporters in November that, in the 24 hours of Monday, November 26th, not a single criminal shooting, stabbing, or slashing was reported in the five boroughs. Browne said no police official could remember such a day, ever. (The city is on track to finish 2012 with fewer than 400 homicides--compared to the record year of 1990, when 2,245 people were murdered.) --”Braco,” a Croatian-born “healer” (although he rejects the term), seems to make legions of sick or troubled believers feel better merely by entering a room and gazing at them in silence for a few minutes before leaving. (A Washington Post reporter, seeking relief from his allergies, attended a 100-person session in Alexandria, Va., in October, but found no improvement.) “Whatever is flowing through him,” said one transfixed fan, “is able to connect with a part of us.” Said another enthusiast, “The thing that makes Braco unique is he really doesn’t do anything.”
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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2014 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1. 2014
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
FRIDAY, JANUARY 3
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SATURDAY, JANUARY 4
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WHERE THE PARTY’S ALWAYS IN SIGHT
JOIN US BEFORE AND AFTER EVERY SHOW AT THE SANDS BETHLEHEM EVENT CENTER!
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VISIONBARPA.COM 12/27/13 3:14 PM
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
CONCERT BEAT CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY
SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA
Against Me, Jan 11 Rusted Root, Jan 12 The Felice Brothers, Jan 15 Michael Schenker, Jan 26
TICKETS 212-307-7171
Joy Behar, Jan 10 Pink Floyd Dark Side, Jan 11 Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Feb 7 3 Doors Down (Acoustic), Feb 12 Lisa Lampanelli, Feb 15 NBC’s Sing Off, Feb 27 Huey Lewis & The News Mar 21 Billy Currington, Mar 27 Robert Cray & Mavis Staples, Mar 28 Jim Gaffigan & The White Bread Tour, Mar 29
TICKETS 717-393-7713
Billy Joel, Jan 27- Sep 17 • Keith Urban, Jan 29
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600
TICKETS 877-686-5366 Demi Lovato, Mar 1 Robin Thicke, Mar 6
For Today, Feb 15 Battle For AllStars, Feb 16
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 Dancing Machine, Jan 11 Hard Travelin, Jan 17 Dead On Live Grateful Dead Trib, Jan 18
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA
TICKETS 212-777-6800
Stone Sour / Pop Evil Jan 18 Reverend Horton Heat, Jan 24 Amon Amarth, Feb 4 The Pretty Reckless, Feb 12 The BlackBerry Smoke, Feb 15
TICKETS 215-336-3600
Nitro Circus Live, Jan 9 Jay Z, Jan 29
MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA TICKETS 610-332-1300
Leon Russell, Jan 3 Craig Thatcher Band, Jan 4 Stanley Clarke, Jan 10
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA TICKETS 570-420-2808 Over The Years, Jan 10 Time Will Tell, Jan 18 Rusted Root, Jan 19
Jim Belushi, Mar 13 • Kathy Griffin, Apr 17
SANTANDER ARENA, Reading, PA TICKETS 610-898-7469
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono
MGMT, Jan 3 Pixies, Jan 24 Dr. Dog, Jan 31 - Feb 1 Falling In Reverse, Feb 2 Panic at the Disco, Feb 5
REVERB - Reading, PA
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA
TICKETS 570-826-1100
Yellow Card, Feb 4 • The Pretty Reckless, Feb 13
TICKETS 610-898-7200
TICKETS (215) 627-1332
The B Street Band, Jan 10 Gilbert Gotfried, Jan 18 Dream Girls Centerfold Revue, Jan 31
FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA
MAIN GATE, Allentown PA THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA
TICKETS 877-682-4791
Lewis Black, Apr 4 Franki Avalon, Fabian, Bobby Rydell, May 15 Reba McEntire, May 18
Hair, Jan 31 Stomp, Feb 24 Skillet & Third Day, Mar 22
TICKETS 570-920-7600
Charlie Daniels Band / Bret Michaels, May 30
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SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ
TICKETS 800-745-3000
TICKETS (215) 922-5483
Voletta, Jan 4 Alustrium, Jan 5 The Precious Few, Jan 10 David Koechner, Jan 11 Rupal’s Drag Race, Jan 16 In this Moment, Jan 17 Brotherly Breakdown Fest, Jan 18 Mantis Music Showcase, Jan 31 BuckCherry, Feb 21 http://unionmusic.com/events/craigthatcher002.jpg
1409 N. 9th St
Lady Antebellum, Jan 30 Kings of Leon, Feb 19
(610) 743-3069 H2O, Dec 28 J-Fly’s Blackout Party, Dec 29 Abigal Williams, Jan 18 Bonz, Jan 23 Chimaira, Feb 6
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA Blair Academy Concert, Jan 12 Jessie Joyce, Jan 16 Boogie Wonder Band, Jan 17 The Aardvarks, Jan 18
TICKETS 215-572-7650
Leon Russell & Hot Tuna, Jan 10 Elvis Birthday Bash, Jan 24 Transatlantic, Feb 8 Jim Jefferies, Feb 21
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA Greensky, Jan 31 Galactic, Feb 9 Rebelution, Feb 12 Black Amish Comedy Feb 21
TICKETS 570-325-0371
Phil Vassar, Jan 11 KIX, Jan 31 Fran Cosmo, February 1 Changes in Latitudes, Feb 8
CHECK OUT THE CRAIG THATCHER BAND SATURDAY AT MUSIKFEST CAFE IN BETHLEHEM
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
BLAST FURNACE ROOM AT ARTSQUEST CENTER 101 Founders Way, Bethlehem, PA (610) 332-1300
MAINGATE NIGHTCLUB (610) 776-7711 448 N. 17th Street, Allentown, PA
CHAMELEON CLUB 223 NORTH WATER STREET, LANCASTER, PA
ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK
WWW.CHAMELEONCLUB.NET
ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK Tix for all shows at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-phone 800.745.3000, All Ticketmaster Locations & at each venue’s box office
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VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1,2014
CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524
Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100
The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 1/1 DJ Johnny B 1/2 Go Go Gadjet 1/3 Nowhere Slow 1/4 Poweri w/ DJ Tom Taylor 1/5 Crazy Heart 1/6 The Retreads
BATH
Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee 1/3 Party Like its 1999w/ DJ Jamal
Grumpy’s BBQ Cornerstone Pub Roadhouse 506 Penn St 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-837-6670 610-769-4600 1/3 Jake Kaligis 1/4 Primevil Atom Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130
Wave Night Club 22 N. 6th St 610-821-9283 Resident DJ Xtina Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 1/1 Hank Williams Trib 1/3 Jim Weider 1/4 Justin Solonynka 1/5 Harris & Flynn
MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment
The Broadway Social 217 Broadway 610-868-2555
Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama
Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 12/26 Dear Anna 12/27 Harkland 12/28 The Great Socio 12/29 DJ Discreet 12/30 Open Mic 12/31 Closed
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Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Strange Brew Monday: Trivia Tavern Friday DJ June 1996 S. Fifth St Saturday DJ Cisco 610-841-3610 Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Monday: Pong night Karaoke 1/3 Hoozya Daddy Bethlehem Brew 1/4 Decoy Clones Works 569 Main St Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St 610-882-1300 (610) 770-1444 Vision Bar @ Sands Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Event Center Live Entertainment 77 Sands Boulevard Tim Harakal / Billy 610-297-7410 1/3 DJ Cap Cee Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More 1/4 DJ Reese Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman
Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave 610-882-9190 Thursdays: Open Mic Tuesday’s - Trivia Saturday’-Karoke w/ Jason
CATASAQUA
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
DJ Reese 1/4 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA
Decoy Clones 1/4 Strange Brew Tavern Allentown, PA
EMMAUS
Volpe’s Sports Bar 501 Main St 610-965-0311
BARTONSVILLE
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke Fri - DJ Baby B 1/1 Gary Dillon 1/4 T.B.A
EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 1/10 Project Z Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 1/1 Open Mic with Scott Harrington 1/2 Yan Carlos and the Subtle Experience 1/3 Kris Kehr 1/4 Ritchie Ray & Co
Party Like it’s 1999 1/3 Roosevelt’s 21st Bethlehem, PA
MORE ON PAGE 32
Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke
BETHLEHEM
Go Go Gadjet 1/2 Molten Lounge Bethlehem, PA
THE SECRET SYSTEM
THE THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT JANUARY OCTOBER1,9,2014 2013
by: Mitch
(It ’s no secret... they’re really good.”) The Secret System - from left: Dave Berry, Scott Reese, Rich Eckhart, Leo “Pook” Kline
Piles”, from their second release, “Roadside Shrines”, had some nice chord progressions and a blistering solo by Dave Berry on guitar. “In Tears” featured Berry on lead guitar where he was able to effectively mimic the sounds of an Alex Lifeson guitar. A Reese piano solo signaled the beginning of “Tourniquets and Time”, a brooding ballad of unrequited love and irreconcilable differences. Berry once again shined on lead guitar The Secret System’s first set lasted one hour and forty minutes. I wasn’t sure if they were playing straight through or taking a break. They finally took a break. Wow. This show was mind-blowing and I was super-psyched for the second set to come. For a $5 cover charge, I was certainly getting my money’s worth. The Secret System opened up the second set with an original progressive rock instrumental followed by the very melodic “Mr. Martin”, sung superbly by Scott Reese. “Towers” was like listening to an impeccably produced Alan Parsons record while “Getting Nowhere” was up tempo with Eckhart spotlighted on bass guitar and Dave Berry once again afforded the opportunity to show off on lead guitar. One of their newer songs, a ballad
entitled “I Am the Moon”, featured more of their amazing three part harmony. Reese, Eckhart and Berry have found their “Secret System” in terms of their vocal performance. “Roadside Shrines” and “Millennial Motion” are both beautiful songs in their complex construction with beautiful chords performed effortlessly by the band. The Secret System was in some kind of zone on this recent Friday night in Quakertown and now, I can’t wait to see them perform again. It turns out that they were the opening band for Blue Öyster Cult at Penn’s Peak last year. I was at that show but missed their opening set. Had I known what I would be missing, I would’ve never blown off the opener. So it took a year for me to find out what I did miss. I resolve not to miss them again if I can help it. The Secret System is one of the best original bands I’ve seen since I started writing about Bands That Rock. If you’re looking for a unique live rock experience, you’ll want to catch The Secret System. Check them out online at www.secretsystemband.com and on Facebook. It’s no secret. They really are that good!
PANTONE 485 CVU
PANTONE Process Yellow CVU PANTONE Reflex Blue C PANTONE 1395 CVC
Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years! Tune in weeknights for Classic Rock of the 70’s, 80’s and more! Listen Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please email him at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com
PAGE PAGE1111
Approaching Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel in Quakertown on Friday, Dec 20, I noticed the bar’s marquee sign out front publicizing the night’s entertainment – “FRI - The Secret Service.” Given recent news accounts about the president’s security team and their very public indiscretions, I knew The Secret Service liked to party but I didn’t know they had a put a band together! Actually, I knew what the marquee letter man had intended to put up on the board but it evoked a few chuckles nevertheless. For the record, The Secret System is a Lehigh Valley-based, non-NSA, non-Secret Service affiliated quartet of serious musicians who write and perform original rock music for music lovers with refined and eclectic tastes. They are not a party dance band and they don’t play cover tunes. What they do is play their own, distinct brand of rock and roll by incorporating various elements and influences of classic, progressive and modern rock with an occasional ambient texture. The Secret System is Scott Reese on guitar, keyboards and lead vocals, Dave Berry on lead guitar and backing vocals, Rich Eckhart on bass and backing vocals and Leo “Pook” Kline on drums. Although this band has been on my radar for the past three months (thanks to Ryan Brennan of Easton for the tip), the Wagon Wheel gig was the first time I was able to see them perform. Scheduling conflicts and bad weather prevented me from getting to their gigs over the past three months but as the old adage goes, “Good things come to those who wait.” In the small confines of a place like Wagon Wheel, achieving the proper sound mix is critical and they were very deliberate with their sound checks. Everything was tuned and tweaked until they found the right balance. There were no loud amps or blaring speakers. “Pook” Kline opted for an electronic drum kit over an acoustic kit because it would’ve been too overpowering in the smallish, all-wooden room. Their first set began with a spacey warm-up intro, the chorus of “Solid Ground (Lost or Found)” and Dave Berry’s guitar solo was reminiscent of Dave Gilmour. Their next selection, “Reflected”, a tune co-written by Reese and Eckhart, had a tinge of Rush to it. Reese, doubling on keys and guitar sang in a polished tenor vocal as he sang the lyrics, “What have I done? What have I become?” First set highlights, of which there were many, included Scott Reese’s distorted slide guitar on “Puzzle Pieces”, a song from The Secret System’s self-titled first release. “Rollin the Dice” was a rocker with both guitarists enmeshed in a power chord tussle with lyrical lines like, “… always feel like I’m diggin’ that grave. What will tomorrow bring? Maybe something’s missing.” Between Reese, Eckhart and Berry, a three-part harmony melded so well that I thought I was listening to Dave Byron-era Uriah Heep. “The Switch” had a Soundgarden-like quality to it with a hard-driving beat while “Moving
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
DEAL WITH THE DEVIL POP EVIL ONYX
BATTLE BORN
FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN & THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 2
TIRED
STONE SOUR HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1
SHEPHERD OF FIRE
PLOT: Two former boxing champs- Henry “Razor” Sharp (Sylvester Stallone) and Billy “The Kid” McDonnen (Robert De Niro) - and lifelong rivals reunite in the ring thirty years after their last fight to settle old scores. REVIEW: I’m not going to lie and say that I had sky-high expectations for GRUDGE MATCH. While yes, it does pair two legends- Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone- their last movie together, COPLAND was a full seventeen years ago. In the years since, Stallone’s managed a nice comeback, which has recently hit a bit of a rocky (no pun intended) patch with BULLET IN THE HEAD, while De Niro has mostly coasted on underwhelming roles, minus the occasional powerhouse part (BEING FLYNN, SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK). Still, the two guys seem to have genuine affection for each other, and considering how both were iconic as boxers in their heyday (Sly with ROCKY, De Niro with RAGING BULL) I figured it might be fun to see them go at it as old men.
AVENGED SEVENFOLD HAIL TO THE KING
LOLA MONTEZ
VOLBEAT
OUTLAW GENTLEMEN AND SHADY LADIES
SIRENS
PEARL JAM
LIGHTNING BOLT
BY AND DOWN
A PERFECT CIRCLE
360
ADRENALINE
SHINEDOWN AMARYLLIS
NEVER NEVER KORN
THE PARADIGM SHIFT
BLACK HEART
STONE TEMPLE PILOTS W/ CHESTER BENNINGTON HIGH RISE
Sly plays the nice one, being a former champ who quit boxing years ago after finding out that his girlfriend (Kim Basinger) had a fling with De Niro, and has since spent his time working blue-collar jobs, and welding sculptures out of trash. Get it- he’s the sensitive one. De Niro, one the other hand, is still milking his fame, operating a cheesy bar where he puts on risqué puppet shows, and dreams of the day he can finally go mano-a-mano once more in the ring with Stallone, who he thinks stole his title from him. Enter Kevin Hart, as the spawn of their former Don King-style manager, who convinces the two guys to lend their likeness to a video game. After the two end up getting into a scrap while doing green screen work, and the video goes viral, Hart manages to throw together an exhibition match for the two that quickly spirals out of control, bringing up buried secrets and rivalries. While I’ve been especially hard on De Niro as of late, I do so only because I genuinely believe he’s the greatest actor of his generation and I hate to see him slumming it. The one good thing I can say about GRUDGE MATCH is that De Niro at least seems to be having a good time here. Of the two, while Stallone is in way better shape physically, De Niro actually comes off younger and sprightlier. I wish I could say the same for Stallone. I love the guy, but it can’t be denied he sleepwalks through GRUDGE MATCH, and gives the lowest-energy performance I’ve seen from him in a while. Maybe Sly’s trying to play him as world-weary and tired, but whenever he’s onscreen whatever energy the film had going for it just lags. Again though- who can blame him? GRUDGE MATCH could have been a fun film, but given the generic direction from Adam Sandler regular Peter Segal, and a curiously bloated running time (close to two hours) it just falls flat over and over again. Even as a huge fan of both guys, I really can’t recommend GRUDGE MATCH even if the handful of scenes between Bernthal and De Niro give the film a bit of a boost here and there. This is a lazy Sunday Netflix rental at best, and both guys are capable- and deserving- of much better.
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10
By Chris Bumbray
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
Movie Review
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
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THE VALLEY VALLEYBEAT BEAT JANUARY NOVEMBER 13, 2013 THE 1, 2014
Happy New Years! By Elle Spaulding
Tuesday is also of Christian origin, again making it not always accessible to those of us who aren’t Christian so senior pranks in high school might also be a fitting analogy. But whichever way you look at it, it’s pretty clear that New Years Eve has the same sort of spirit of advantageous celebration and freedom. It’s not that there aren’t consequences to New Years celebrations. It’s the idea that we’ll deal with those consequences tomorrow. The next day is not just another day. It’s an entirely different year. So the night before the morning after, if you’re spending your New Years in the Lehigh Valley I wish that you, and all of your friends eat well, drink up, and be safe. Happy New Year Everyone!
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Not everyone celebrates Christmas, or perhaps more accurately wants to celebrate Christmas (it’s neigh impossible to avoid holiday cheer living in or around the so called ‘Christmas City’). But whether Christian or not, religious or not, pretty much everyone around the world celebrates New Years. I know. I know, being an American at this time of year means that pretty much everyone is stressed out and tired of dealing with holiday travel, gifting, shopping, parties, and plans with old friends and distant relatives, so New Years celebrations can be a bit of a drag after the rush that is Christmas, but I want to make a case for New Years or more specifically New Years Eve as the greatest of the December holidays. The first reason, I have already mentioned. New Years is pretty much incontestable. The calendrical debate concluded a long time ago. Even the Chinese and other East Asian countries, which maintain use of the lunar calendar, still function de jure on the Roman calendar. New Years is a holiday for everyone. It’s not just that Ahmed, Elijah and Jiyuan are invited to join the party. It’s that everyone is throwing a party, going out or otherwise getting shitfaced together. Which brings me to my second point. Turkey, pumpkin, candy canes and sugarplums are great. Really they are. But they’re not the type of great that is champagne, tequila, margaritas, and beer. And as much as the New Years is egalitarian in terms of who can participate, it’s egalitarian in terms of what people drink. While it’s frowned upon to down a gin and tonic during Oktoberfest or prefer a glass of wine on St. Patrick’s Day, absolutely no one cares what you’re drinking on New Years. Hell, if your friends are cool, no one even particularly cares if you’re drinking as long as you’re there having fun.
And there are so many ways to have fun. While I acknowledge that many people may relish the heavy tradition surrounding Christmas, I personally think that it’s getting a little boring. There are only so many times that one can watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas without being entirely sympathetic to the entire first ¾ of the movie. But on New Years Eve, dancing on the beach is just as valid a way to celebrate as huddling with your friends in the snow. And the last, but probably most important reason why New Years Eve is the best holiday of the month is that it’s the last holiday of the month and of the entire year. This may not immediately seem all that special, but perhaps the best analogy for this would be historical origins of Fat Tuesday whereby revelry, drunkenness and excess are the order of the day as it is juxtaposed to the beginning of the Christian season of repentance and sacrifice, which is Lent. Of course Fat
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
THIS WEEKEND THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8 TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN (610) 391-0772
FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111
BECKY’S DRIVE IN Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE http://www.beckysdi.com/
MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON 610-377-8626 http://mvcinema.com/
CARMIKE 16 1700 CATASAUQUA RD ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/
MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204
CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX 2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635 CIVIC’S THEATER 514 514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN EMMAUS THEATER 19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878 THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St 610-863-3094
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6. Thanks For Sharing (Jan 7th) 7. We Are What We Are (Jan 7th) 8. Badges Of Fury (Jan 7th) 9. Big Ass Spider! (Jan 7th) 10. Duck Dynast: Season 4 (Jan 7)
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1. Runner Runner (Jan 7th) 1. Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug 6. The Hunger Games 2. Anchorman 2 7. Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas 2. Linsanity (Jan 7th) 3. Frozen 3. Closed Circuit (Jan 7th) 8. Walking With Dinasours 4. American Hustle 4. I’m So Excited (Jan 7th) 9. Dhoom 3 5. Saving Mr. Banks 5. Inequality for All (Jan 7th) 10. Thor: The Dark World
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
By Nicholas Gaskins With 2013 coming to close, it’s nice to take a fond look back at the best films to grace the big screen this year. This is Nick Gaskins Top 10 Films of 2013. 1. The Wolf Of Wall Street (Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill, Matthew McConaughey) Booze. Orgies. More cocaine usage than Blow and Scarface combined. Scorsese flawlessly captures all the sleaze and excess of the 80’s Wall Street lifestyle in his latest film and fifth team up with Leonardo DiCaprio (Inception, Gangs of New York). In his most spirited role since Titanic DiCaprio plays Jordan Belfort, a young middle class stockbroker from Queens. After the market crash of 1987 he creates his own firm with the help of some friends and with some ingeniously underhanded trading practices he goes on a drug-fueled ride straight to the top. Jonah Hill shines in his role of Donnie Azoff, Belfort’s first employee and right-hand man. Azoff is just as reckless and greedy as Belfort, acting as his partner in the countless debaucerous acts that comprise this movie. The story follows Belfort as he marshals his hand picked army of silver-tongued brokers around him with machismo laden speeches like a fiscal Tyler Durden on a quest for wealth at any cost. The sheer level of depravity these characters reach is unreal, and regardless of how disgusted you are with these rich degenerates, you simply can’t take your eyes off them. 2. Iron Man 3 (Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow) The third installment of the ever popular Iron Man series features the charismatic Robert Downey Jr. reprising his role as the title hero as he struggles with post-Avengers anxiety and the global threat of a terrorist known as The Mandarin. RDJ’s Tony Stark is more of a swaggering smartass than ever as he flaunts some sweet new armor and a new little sidekick in ten-year-old Harley (Ty Simpkins), a local boy who helps him from his garage laboratory. Incredible action sequences and a well-written plot that includes a few surprises make this Iron Man the best out of the trilogy. 3. Star Trek: Into Darkness (Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto) As a strict Star Wars fan I was skeptical when I sat down in front of Star Trek back in 2009. I was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be one of the better movies I had seen that year, and the sequel was just as awesome. J.J. Abrahams managed to breathe new life into the cult classic sci-fi series by making it accessible to those who don’t know what a phaser is, while keeping it close enough to the source material to keep the die-hard Trekkies satisfied. Pine plays the brash young Captain James T. Kirk perfectly, and Quinto’s portrayal of Spock had more than enough stoicism to match the Captain’s bravado. The story follows the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise one year after the sequel, as they travel to the Klingon home world in search of a rogue officer. What they find is more than they had bargained for however in this action-packed sci-fi epic.
6. The World’s End (Simon Pegg, Nick Frost) Edgar Howard Wright’s last entry in the “Three Flavours Cornetto” trilogy (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, The World’s End) finds Simon Pegg playing the middle aged once-teen-legend Gary King who’s on a quest to get his old high school pals together to complete the “Golden Mile”, a mile-long stretch of 12 pubs. The task of consuming a pint at each pub proved too daunting for the crew 20 years ago, and this time they’ll complete it if it kills them. And it just might. This British comedy meets classic bodysnatchers style invasion flick. A solid end to a very funny series. 7. This Is The End (Seth Rogan, James Franco) Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg’s directorial debut was one of the most star-studded films of the year, with a cast including James Franco, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson and Emma Watson playing themselves during the apocalypse. This comedy blends the unique styling’s of so many different comedic actors so well it feels like these guys hang out together all the time (and that’s probably not too far from the truth as many of them have collaborated in the past. Hilarious from start
8. Elysium (Matt Damon, Jodie Foster) Neill Blomkamp directs this allegorical science fiction thriller about health care and immigration set in 2154. In the future the wealthy elite have fled an overpopulated and ruined Earth to live on a massive luxurious terraformed spacestation called Elysium. Matt Damon plays Max Da Costa, who after a factory accident leaves him with only days to live decides to break the law and force his way onto Elysium to get healed at any cost. Brilliant special effects, an excellent philosophical message, and an ice-cold villain in the Secretary of Elysium Defense Jessica Delacourt (Jodie Foster) make this face-paced dystopian thrill ride. 9. Ender’s Game (Asa Butterfield, Harrison Ford) The film adaptation of Orson Scott Card’s 1985 military science fiction novel was surprisingly close to the source material for what appeared on the surface to be a very childish action/ adventure movie. Asa Butterfield played the lead role of Ender Wiggin convincingly if not a tad over-emotionally (he looks like he is about to cry in every scene) as he goes through training to combat an alien army engaged in a long war with mankind. The exceptionally gifted Ender is trained with other children in special war games meant to condition him to eventually lead Earth’s army to victory in this adaptation of Card’s award-winning novel. Excellent visuals and a talented cast of young actors got Ender’s Game into number 9. 10. Kick-Ass 2 (Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz) One of the most anticipated comic-to-film adaptations of the year came shockingly from neither DC nor Marvel. Kick-Ass 2 brought back Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Kick-Ass, the title hero, Hit Girl his partner and mentor who is now trying to live as a normal high school girl, and The Red Mist (now known by a more vulgar moniker) who is determined to destroy them both. Seemingly tongue-in-cheek, several of the fighting sequences in this movie actually get pretty graphic, as per the last film. With a great cast including Jim Carrey and John Leguizamo this original vigilante tale outdid it’
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4. The Great Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire) Baz Luhrmann teamed up with Leonardo DiCaprio for the first time since Romeo + Juliet back in 1996 in this retelling of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic novel. Tobey Maguire stars as Nick Carraway, a Yale
5. Insidious: Chapter 2 (Patrick Wilson, Ty Simkins) Usually scary movies follow a fairly well-worn formula to scary viewers. Loud noises, some cheap gore, a “jump” scene just meant to surprise the viewer, the end. This is anything but the case in James Wan’s sequel to the 2011 thriller. Wilson plays alongside Rose Byrne as Josh and Renai Lambert, a couple who are still dealing with their bizarre connection the spirit world following their son’s possession in the first film. What makes this movie so great is a combination of the great plot twist (a rarity in horror films anymore) and the original ways in which it gets its scares. These aren’t your average jump moments, the tension is real and it steadily mounts as things in the Lambert household begin to spiral out of control. By the last half hour you have no idea what to expect next, they continue to find new and exciting ways to scare the hell out of you. One of the best horror movies I’ve seen in the last decade.
to finish, This Is The End was among the best comedies to come out of 2013.
THE 1, 2014 THE VALLEY VALLEYBEAT BEAT JANUARY NOVEMBER 13, 2013
Top 10 movies of 2013
graduate who rents a small cottage in 1920’s Long Island, next door to the mansion of the mysterious Jay Gatsby, played by DiCaprio, who frequently throws extravagant public parties. As the two become acquainted Carraway begins to unravel the enigma of who Gatsby is- and who he isn’t. The rebelliousness and theatrics of “The Roaring Twenties” is captured perfectly in this spectacular 3D adaption of Fitzgerald’s tale of opulence, love, and identity.
THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014
ZODIAC
ARIES You may no longer be mirroring another’s views or you start to see the real picture. 2011 was like playing “join the dot” and slowly the real embodiment emerged and you may not like what you see. But at least you DO see now. You have so much more perspective and understanding about life and love and most importantly, what YOU really need (and don’t need). You could also be feeling quite obsessive about someone or something! You will be producing something – art, the written word, an idea or a brilliant business concept – whatever it is, it’s a major creation - and one of which you are justifiably proud.
.LIBRA Saturn is leaving your sign in October and his transit has well and truly given you a sharp reality check. Still the good news is that all the groundwork of the past couple of years is going to be holding you in great stead for 2012. You have a whole new self-image, confidence (and maybe even appearance) than you used to – maybe even the odd makeover or two for some Librans.But Pluto is still lurking in your 4th house for many years to come transforming your relationships (for the better) and ridding you of repetitive negative behavioral patters, painful as that might be.
TAURUS Before too long you will be able to demonstrate a real talent in one particular area and the world will soon see just how truly capable you are and the more you believe in yourself, the more likely this breakthrough is likely to materialize. But they will still be playing some games this week and dragging their heels or making life as difficult as possible. Bob the Builder “yes we can” is likely to be more “no we can’t” and this could relate to a frustrating technical issue or some other glitch or project, or business/legal – you’ll know. There won’t feel like there are enough days in the week either and you’ll be “under the gun” but if there is one thing going for you it is your attitude. It is liberating you more each day. You may as well be taking off on a supersonic jet – the feeling is the same – you are on the way UP.
SCORPIO What do you stand for you? Indeed who are you really? Are you as good as you think you are or as bad as you worry you may be? These are just a few of the many questions that your mind is proposing to you as you dig deeper and deeper into your psyche. You are already aware from the events of 2011 that there are significant psychological changes occurring within you at a very basic level. This is all part of the ongoing regeneration that will be occurring in 2012 and many of the truths that you have held onto for years are being called into question.
SAGITTARIUS It’s going to kill you have to make amends to someone and this could be in a financial sense. You may have to part with some asset in a balancing of shared resources, or pay compensation or perhaps this takes another form entirely and you made amends in a personal sense. GEMINI You have begun to realize that you are on a different page in outlook to Still you’ve reached the top of the hill and it’s an easier passage from hereon in and you’re looking determinedly forward (as opposed to back- another (or a group) and the only way to get back “same page feelings” or a rectification - or narrowing of space - is for you to take some posiward) and leaving the past behind. There is still some animosity out there - perhaps unwarranted or perhaps through some circumstances that tive and remedial action. Will this feel like surrender or that you’ve had you’ve had a hand in previously - and that is because there IS something to give up something? Maybe. But when you put yourself in another’s shoes you realize that there is little choice. that is “communal”; a shared problem that has a financial undertone. Now you get the green light from the Cosmos and you can find your Holy Grail – the one that you allowed to get away from you - or the one CAPRICORN 2012 (starting now) will give you an opportunity to double-check some that you simply long to get back. But just think how much of your life of the key aspects of your existence and your motivations. Are you is lost in waiting - for love to find you, for a lost love to return, for a being entirely authentic with yourself and others?It’s almost boring to return to the “old days” or simply for a change in circumstances. Forget keep reminding you that you are undergoing no less than a rebirth (as about waiting. The fact is, you have little control over anyone these if you didn’t know that already!) but the key thing here is to be true days so waiting is NOT going to achieve anything. to yourself.Family are driving you nuts this week but you’ve learnt to grin and bear it – just like a Royal – and that is not a bad analogy for CANCER Cappy’s right now, because as you ascend the throne you have to adopt I mentioned in the monthly scopes that this is now Act II of your life – more forbearance and offer more support and understanding.There is so don’t jump off the cliff now just as it’s beginning to turn around for also something going on in the background of your life, perhaps that of you! What seemed virtually impossible in 2011 is more than achievable a partner’s fears or a family issue that is causing concern and this may now and whilst it may not be this week - it may well be - but it will be have been around for a while but you are so well equipped to deal with soon, certainly before Easter. You’ve been living life feeling like the rug this now as you’ve stepped up another notch. was going to be pulled out from under you at any second, or that the Damocles sword would drop on your head and wipe you out. I can promise AQUARIUS you that even though you will be immersed in loads of paperwork and With Jupiter moving forward in your house of home and hearth, it feel under pressure to get a lot done; as you plough through the myriad should be all chicken soup and happy times, but not always as is the of responsibilities a sense of calm and security will start to descend over case this week. Perhaps you waded in where you shouldn’t have or are you - even at your most exposed. not seeing eye-to-eye with your children or with someone in your social life (or you have been caught out being less than kind). You appear LEO to be drawn to controversy this week like moth to a flame, and it may Sadly many of your sign made some significant decisions over the well involve a parent/parenting in general or relating to your home and holiday period. You weighed up many factors but there IS some change family (and all it’s associated issues). Don’t be scared of your ability afoot. It may be a literal change or simply a change in mood (or simply just go with the flow because this is a momentary tension and the a feeling that things are different) but I feel particularly in your working overall energy is very positive. In fact you should be generally feeling life that things ARE different. This week, you may have to go out of loved up and secure – financially and emotionally – and most of 2012 your way to show them what you are made of or explain your ideas looks fantastic. frustrating as that may be – so don’t let your determination to prove this to yourself and to others get out of hand PISCES You enter 2012 playing some kind of waiting game. Waiting for news of a job, or the outcome of some discussion and you may be wasting a It’s not going to be a restful week. There is something that is worrying lot of your time dealing with seemingly puerile matters: small errands you, possibly of a financial nature and something you thought was go- and silly meetings (that kind of thing), but ones that you simply can’t avoid. You could also be arguing over the “spoils” or dividing assets of ing to happen didn’t, or someone changed their mind or their approach. some description – but more like “who gets the vase?” as opposed to This has been happening in the lives of some Virgo’s for a while, and the house; whilst meanwhile you secretly tap your foot and drum your could have either a domestic connection or a blood tie, and at times fingers hoping for some major change to occur. you wonder which side of the fence to sit on. Do you provide support You may also be vaguely interested to know that romance and emoor withdraw it, believe or disbelieve?At any rate you have to go back tional growth figure strongly this week; friendships will intensify and to the drawing board and re-evaluate the situation and figure out what couples will bond - mainly as a result of you seeking out the support and understanding of others. That’s good because you will be offered it is that has been holding you back from achieving the results that something BIG soon. you want.
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade 12/28 Decoy Clones
WIND GAP
Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000
READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON
The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke 12/31 Social Call
Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik
MACUNGIE
The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night 1/23 Weyerbacher Pairing The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 1/11 The Punkabilly’s
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 1/4 The Hyde Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373
PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO
OREFIELD
The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 1st Wed of Month - Amateur Night
CLINTON, NJ
Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 1/2 Video DJ Dave 1/3 Clarence Spady Band 1/4 Sound 1/5 Pocono Duo 1/7 Mike Pilgermayer
Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 1/3 DJ Bluto Karaoke Call 1/4 Social Call Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
STROUDSBURG
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
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VIRGO
Check Out Blues Rocker Clarence Spady This Friday At The Sarah Street Grill in Stroudsburg, PA
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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 1, 2014 Page 30
single in the CiTY THE GATEKEEPERS
When it comes to engaging in sexual intercourse, women hold the keys. Earlier this year, The University of Chicago Press published a study on Kenny Luck the gender differences and attitudes toward sex in advertising. As I reviewed the research, prepared to write about that topic, I discovered something else: Sexual Economics Theory (SET). SET “argues that because women possess greater negotiating power than do men when it comes to sex, they are in a position to ask for additional resources to make the exchange equitable.” In other words, according to SET, women are in control of if and when sex takes place. This idea has been around for decades. In 1978, for instance, Edward O. Wilson, a well-known biologist, reported that a “study of teenage girls revealed that a requirement before engaging in sexual activity was a declaration of love or dating commitment from the male partner.” Little seems to have changed.
In fact, forty-two percent of women reported having engaged in sexual relations without involvement, compared to eighty-four percent of men. Because women engage in less sexual intercourse without commitment than men, this places them in a position of power . . . their power stems from wanting sex less, and this allows them to determine if and when the act takes place. That left me wondering: when is it appropriate to have sexual intercourse after first meeting someone? Answer: Men believe that the second date is an appropriate time to have sex, whereas women report that sexual intercourse ought to take place much later. This supports the abovementioned idea that women are the gatekeepers of sex, possessing more of a relationship-orientation to sexuality; moreover, men’s recreational attitude toward sexuality puts them at a disadvantage. Any man who has put his game on at the bar in order to “Get Lucky” (to use Daft Punk’s song title) knows what I am talking about. And, like most things in this realm, an evolutionary explanation seems appropriate. According to researchers, “. . . because females in the human species must invest far greater resources to produce offspring than do men, they tend to be correspondingly more selective in their mate choice of sexual partners.” Moreover, this means that women select mates who can offer more long-term resources and commitment. Men, on the other hand, tend to “benefit reproductively by taking advantage of opportunities to engage in sexual intercourse with a large number of women, with little regard to long-term consequences.” To conclude, theoretical foundations such as SET and quantitative data both support the idea that women—not men—are the gatekeepers to sexual intercourse. Source: “Sex in Advertising: Gender Differences and the Role of Relationship Commitment,” Darren W. Dahl, et al., The University of Chicago Press, 2013.
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Peeping Johnny A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?” “Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.” Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you are going?” she asks. “Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; “I’m sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed; “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead.” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said; “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
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The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried; “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?” The vet shrugged; “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
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Age: 25 Allentown, PA What do you do to make $$? Model, Print, TV, Film, Promotions. Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Dating. How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? Facebook, or Contact My Agent: Donatelli Modeling Agency 610-921-0777. Where was your best vacation destination? Puerto Rico. What do you do to relax? Hang Out With My Fur Children. What sports do you watch the most? NFL Football. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Coffee Hold The Irish. What happens to be your worst vice? I Hold Grudges. What is your best feature? My Legs & Smile. What TV show do you never miss each week? American Horror Story Coven. What movie would you recommend to our readers? Any of the Iron Man Movies. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” To Be A Contestant On The Price Is Right. Are you a Spender or a Saver? A Girls Got Bills. What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? My first Publication came out. Temptress Magazine :) What do you sleep in? Undies. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? Don’t be scared if an old fat guy comes and throws you in a bag……. I asked Santa for you this year. What do you want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Women are not as complicated as any of you think…. Loyalty respect and support get you everywhere.
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