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COVER: ROB ZOMBIE / KORN 11 LOCAL BEAT
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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe
8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUE • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 ISSUE 6166. NOVEMBER 20 - 26, 2013
10 CLUB & PUBS
We are working on it but need your help please send info
BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.
12 HOT SHOTS
Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!
TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review 16 Done ALBUM REVIEW by The Bone’s - Gina Crash while Scotty’s on Vacation!
DANCING 21 BELLY Camille Capriglione shows us how the exotics shake it down
26 ZODIAC
Your astrology for the week
36 JOKES & COMICS
12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 39
A few chuckles to get you through the week
MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY - WORTH THE COMMUTE
Downtown London residences are known to be staggeringly expensive, but media blogger Sam Cookney calculated in October just how much. Cookney said he can live in an upscale apartment in Barcelona, Spain, and commute almost every workday to London (700 miles away) for less money than a modest central London rental. (Sixteen commuter days over four weeks a month would run, in pound-dollar equivalents: $2,420 for a West Hampstead rental, $121 council tax, and $188 transit travel card, totaling $2,730. Barcelona, in euro-dollar equivalents: $938 for a three-bedroom flat with three balconies near transit, no tax, $47 daily round-trip on Ryanair, $32 a day in airport transportation, totaling $2,202 -- a savings of $528 a month.) Plus, he said, sunny Barcelona is on the Mediterranean. (On the other hand, Cookney luckily can work on the plane, for each flight is two hours long.)
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT -- In September, San Diego Superior Court Judge Patricia Cookson, perhaps sensing an autumnal whiff of romance in the courthouse, agreed to perform the wedding ceremony, in her courtroom, of Mr. Danne Desbrow and his fiancee, Destiny -- and even to serve the lucky couple homemade cake afterward. However, Judge Cookson did all of this immediately after sentencing Desbrow to a 53-year-to-life term for first-degree murder and for threatening a witness. -- This year, the Florida legislature passed the Timely Justice Act to cut short the legal dawdling that allows death row inmates to postpone their execution -- sometimes for more than 25 years. Among the first “victims” of the act was to be Marshall Gore, set to be executed in September for two 1988 murders. However, his date was once again postponed -- because Florida’s tough-oncrime attorney general had scheduled a re-election campaign fundraiser that conflicted with her presence at the execution. (Gore will instead die in January.) -- Many parents long for armed protection for their kids at school, but a few parents at Entz Elementary in Mesa, Ariz., have the opposite concern -- and demanded that local cop (and parent) Scott Urkov not wear his service weapon, or uniform, when he drops his child off in the morning. The principal sided with the complaining parents (although at least one mother defended Urkov, albeit defining the issue primarily as “his right” to be in uniform as he heads off to work).
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
Recurring Theme: Joshua Goverman, 29, was arrested in Glendale, Ariz., in October for allegedly stealing copper wiring from the back of an air-conditioner truck in a driveway. The thief apparently had trouble pulling on the wires, and police found a human finger at the scene. Despite Goverman’s excuse (that he cut his finger during a “car repair”), the crime-scene finger’s print matched Goverman’s other fingers’ prints.
mammals’ urination habits (rats, dogs, goats, cows and elephants), have concluded that, regardless of size, each takes about 21 seconds to empty a full bladder. (Technically, reported New Scientist, the evacuation time is proportional to the animal’s mass, raised to the power of one-sixth.) (2) Her family wanted U.S. Army Sgt. Kimberly Walker (who was killed in a suspected domestic violence incident in February) to have a burial reflecting her delight at SpongeBob SquarePants and installed a 4-foot-high marker on her grave in the character’s likeness (at a cost of $13,000). However, the Spring Grove Cemetery in the family’s hometown of Cincinnati ordered it removed in October as inappropriate, and despite family and community pressure, is unyielding.
STRANGE OLD WORLD
In July, several foreign news sites publicized the current Guinness Book record held by Jemal Tkeshelashvili of the Republic of Georgia, who blew up ordinary drugstore hot water bottles to the point where they would explode -- using only air from his nose. His record was three within one minute, but perhaps equally impressive, he subsequently dazzled Discovery Channel viewers by reportedly partially nose-inflating a hot water bottle being held down by a small car.)
PEOPLE WITH ISSUES Matched Pair: Prominent Los Angeles cosmetic surgeon David Matlock is himself a finely chiseled specimen of muscle and zero body fat, but he said that when patient “Veronica” came to him in 2007 for “vaginal rejuvenation” surgery, he instantly fell in love despite her somewhat-pudgy figure. He proposed marriage, she accepted, and with her consent, Dr. Matlock set out not only on the requested procedure but on what he called the “Wonder Woman Makeover” -- diet, exercise, surgeries, suctions and injections, and by August 2013, reported Huffington Post, the sculpted couple were competing in matching bodybuilding contests. (However, Veronica’s daughter Isabella, 9, is not on board, remarking, “Healthy food doesn’t taste good.”)
CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE
-- Lawyers for Radu Dogaru, who is on trial in Romania for stealing masterpieces last year from the Kunsthal museum in Rotterdam, Netherlands, said the heist was also the museum’s fault -- for having such unimaginably lax security -- and that if the museum did not admit that, Dogaru would sue. Museum officials said they had tracked some of the works to Dogaru’s mother, who is claiming ignorance, and the son’s lawyers hope to discount any insurance-company judgments against her by spreading the blame.
A NEWS OF THE WEIRD CLASSIC
French Surrealism: According to the Palais de Justice in Paris, a recent (2008) preliminary hearing marked the first time in France, and perhaps in the world, in which a dog had been called as a formal witness in a murder case. “Scooby Doo” was brought into the courtroom so that a judge could watch how he reacted when he approached the defendant, who was accused of killing Scooby’s master, and according to a dispatch in London’s Daily Telegraph, the dog “barked furiously,” helping convince the judge in the Paris suburb of Nanterre to set the case for trial.
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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
READERS’ CHOICE
(1) Researchers from Georgia Tech, working at the Atlanta Zoo recording various
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
CONCERT BEAT CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713 Bullet Method, Nov 22 James Maddock, Nov 23 The Mahones, Nov 25 Midnight Red VIP, Nov 26
TICKETS 212-307-7171
Paramore, Nov 13 • Rod Stewart, Dec 9
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600 Rittz, Nov 21 Veil of Maya, Dec 6 Norma Jean, Dec 7 Abk, Dec 18
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249
Kalob Griffin Bank, Nov 22 Crain Thatcher’s Allman Brothers Show, Nov 23 The Mighty Manatees, Nov 29
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600
Avril Lavigne and Jason Derulo, Dec 5
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791
Scott Weiland & The Wildabouts, Nov 30 Rob Base, Dec 24 Burlesque Show, Dec 29
TICKETS 215-336-3600
MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA TICKETS 610-332-1300
The Von Trapps, Nov 21 The Large Flowerheads, Nov 23 Enter The Haggis, Nov 27
TICKETS 877-686-5366
Slayer & Gojira, Nov 29 The Fresh Beat Band, Dec 6
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY
TICKETS 212-777-6800
Hoodie Allen, Nov 23 Lamb of God & Killswitch Engage, Nov 24 Frank Turner & The Sleeping Souls, Nov 29 MGMT, Dec 3 Get the Led Out, Dec 14
SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA TICKETS 800-745-3000
Bellator MMA, Nov 22 Weezer, Nov 23 Rob Zombie & Korn, Nov 26 Trace Adkins Christmas, Nov 29 Megadeth, Nov 30 Celtic Woman, Dec 4 Pink Floyd Laser Spectacular, Dec 6 The Price is Right, Dec 7 Myth Busters, Dec 12 XFE Cage Wars, Dec 14 Kenny G Holiday Show, Dec 19
Larry The Cable Guy, Dec 28 The Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D, New Years Eve, Dec 31 (Vision Bar) Lisa Lampanelli, Feb 15 Jim Gaffigan & The White Bread Tour, Mar 29
FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-826-1100
YAMATO, Nov 20 • Elvis Costello, Nov 25 • Kenny Rogers, Nov 29
SANTANDER ARENA, Reading, PA TICKETS 610-898-7469
MAIN GATE, Allentown PA
Chris Cornell, Nov 22 Drew Carey, Nov 23 Bryan Adams, Nov 24
Tyler Farr, Nov 20 • Cynthia & Johhny “O”, Nov 23
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA
TICKETS 610-898-7200
THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 627-1332
Alkine Trio & New Found Glory, Nov 13 Fred Armisen, Nov 14 Reel Big Fish, Nov 15 Hoodie Allen, Nov 23 Lamt of God & Kilswitch Engage, Nov 24
TICKETS (215) 922-5483 Chasing Safety, Nov 29 DJ Xtina, Dec 4 Stero Coma, Dec 6 Jacob Kulick, Dec 8 Hot Water Music, Dec 13 The Devil Wears Prada, Dec 14 Protest the Hero, Dec 15 Mantis Music Showcase, Dec 28 David Koechner, Jan 11
1409 N. 9th St
Pink, Dec 6 Rod Stewart, Dec 11 Hot Tuna Acoustic, Dec 3 Scythian, Dec 13 Swearingen & Kelli, Dec 15 Rob Stoneback Big Band,Dec 19 Sarah Ayers & Friends, Dec 20
(610) 743-3069 Fates Warning, Nov 27 Girls, Girls, Girls, Dec 6 Misfits + The Attack + More, Dec 7 Bam Margera, Dec 21 H2O, Dec 28
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650
India Arie, Nov 23 Will Downing, Nov 24 The Machine, Nov 29 John Pinetter, Nov 30
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA
Railroad Earth, Nov 29 Rusted Root, Dec 5 Beatlemania Now, Dec 7 Twelve-Twenty Four, Dec 12
Robert Randolph & The Family Band, Nov 22 The 70’s REWIND, Nov 24 Dark Star Orchestra, Nov 27 Travis Tritt, Dec 6
TICKETS 570-420-280 Page 8
SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ
REVERB - Reading, PA
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA Elton John, Nov 27 Jingle Ball, Dec 4
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY
Men of the Strip, Dec 19 Christian Porter, Dec 20 Clutch, Dec 28
TICKETS 570-325-0371
ROB ZOMBIE & KORN TAKE THE STAGE TUESDAY AT THE SANDS EVENT CENTER
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
SHERMAN THEATER (570) 420-2808 524 MAIN STREET, STROUDSBURG, PA
136 north 6th street, reading, pa MAINGATE NIGHTCLUB (610) 776-7711 (610) 898-show / www.santander-arena.com 448 N. 17th Street, Allentown, PA ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK
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Tix for all shows at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-phone 800.745.3000, All Ticketmaster Locations & at each venue’s box office VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20,2013
CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100
The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 11/20 Ladies Night 11/21 Jam w/Roman
Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 11/22 DJ Cobra Karaoke
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524
Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Thurs: Open Mic Billy Patrick 11/22 Right Hand Red 11/23 Richie Ray Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music
BETHLEHEM
Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama
MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment
Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 11/20 Tavern Band 11/21 Capital Mustache 11/22 K-Jamm Band 11/23 Trouble City 11/24 DJ Discreet 11/25 Open Mic 11/26 Born Cross Eyed
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Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 Strange Brew 610 865 1028 Tavern Monday: Trivia 1996 S. Fifth St Friday DJ June 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night Saturday DJ Cisco Fri & Sat: Dance club/ 11/22 Harkland 11/23 The Prizms Karaoke
Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Live Entertainment Tim Harakal / Billy Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More 11/21 Mechanical Bull 11/27 UUU Band
Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300
Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman
Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave 610-882-9190 Thursdays: Open Mic Tuesday’s - Trivia Saturday’-Karoke w/ Jason
Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 11/22 DJ Reese 11/23 DJ Cap Cee
Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee 11/22 Fireball Friday 11/27 UUU Thanksgiving Eve Bash
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 11/22 James Supra Blues Band 11/24 Craig Thatcher
Greg Raposo M&G 11/20 Molten Lounge Bethlehem, PA
DJ Reese 11/22 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA
CATASAQUA
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
Mechanical Bull 11/21 Roosevelt’s 21st Allentown, PA
COOPERSBURG
Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010 Thursdays: Pool Tournament 8pm 11/27 Beauties & the Feast
BARTONSVILLE
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke Fri - DJ Baby B 11/20 Dale Barth 11/23 Groovalicousness
EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League 11/21-24 Anniversary Party 11/22-23 Dakota Skye Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 11/27 Thanksgiving Eve Bash Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 11/21 Yan Carlos Sanchez 11/23 Jordan Koza Band
Fireball Friday 11/22 Roosevelt’s 21st Bethlehem, PA
MORE ON PAGE 26
Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke
BATH
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 11/20 Celebrity Night Feat. Greg Raposo 11/21 Go Go Gadjet 11/22 Drop Dean Sexy 11/23 Alien Arcade 11/24 Brian Kirk & The Jirks 11/25 Element K
LESLIE WEST
GUITAR LEGEND RELEASES NEW CD IN NEW YORK CITY And wows capacity crowd at Iridium Jazz Club
PANTONE 485 CVU PANTONE Process Yellow CVU PANTONE Reflex Blue C PANTONE 1395 CVC
Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years! Tune in weeknights for Classic Rock of the 70’s, 80’s and more! Listen Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com
PAGE PAGE1111
Last Wednesday in New York City, I experienced a convergence of the legend of Les Paul, the Broadway jazz club he frequented, Woodstock, and the living legend who played at the 3-day festival on Max Yasgur’s farm with classic rockers Mountain in 1969. Leslie West, the Jersey-born founder of Mountain, played an exclusive show, in celebration of his newly released CD entitled “Still Climbing” at New York’s Iridium Jazz Club on Broadway where the late, legendary guitar innovator, Les Paul, played with his trio on a regular weekly basis. When you step into Iridium, you sense the legacy of Les Paul and how he was “instrumental” in making all of this rock and roll possible and West demonstrating how it’s done. Joined by bassist, Rev Jones, and drummer, Bobby Rondinelli, West played a 90 minute set consisting of hard rock and blues rock classics with a few new tunes sprinkled in. A.J. Fritz of Lehigh University’s WLVR was on the guest list courtesy of Leslie West’s Mascot Records record label, and was kind enough to invite me along as his plus one knowing that I’d probably want to write about it for Bands That Rock. Interestingly enough, we dawdled in Midtown Manhattan for a little while before the show and by the time we made it to Iridium, the room was already at full capacity. Uh-oh. It looked like we might get shut out. That would have been a travesty and a first for an A.J./Mitch road trip. Getting shut out for Leslie West
after driving all the way to NYC and paying for tolls and parking was not an option in our minds. We were under the impression that we had guaranteed seats but that was not the case. We waited in the stairwell, hopeful that we’d eventually be allowed inside. Thankfully, a few people left after the opening act and we were permitted to squeeze inside the 200 person capacity club having to stand between the edge of the bar and the exit door. At that point, it didn’t matter to us that it was going to be standing room only. Others weren’t so lucky and were turned away. We made it. We were in. West is a mountain of a man and although physically challenged by the loss of his lower right leg which was amputated two years ago due to what he terms a blood clot, he still manages to put on one helluva
rock and roll show though having to play guitar while seated in a specially designed wheelchair. He waxes philosophical about losing part of a limb, thankful that it was part of a lower limb rather than an arm. He says, “Then I’d really be fucked.” His gallows humor approach throughout the evening elicited several guffaws from the audience. He proudly waved CD and LP copies of his new record, “Still Climbing” and even handed a disc to a lady sitting up front. She was slightly shocked at this kind gesture and even skeptical of his intentions but she eventually accepted his gift as he bellowed, “It’s a free fuckin’ album!” West’s onstage persona is abrasive but humorous. His sarcastic shtick is that of a grumpy old man that plays a mean-ass guitar and it works. He may seem cranky but he can certainly crank out the jams. I had a chance to listen to the new disc on the way to New York and it’s chock full of goodies and West has several special guests with him in the studio. Blues rocker Jonny Lang joins West as does Mark Tremonti, lead guitarist of Creed, blues guitarist Johnny Winter and vocalist Dee Snider of Twisted Sister fame. This album is the follow-up to 2011’s “Unusual Suspects” where West enlisted the assistance of another all-star lineup of guitar players including Slash, Joe Bonamassa, Zakk Wylde, Billy Gibbons and Steve Lukather. That’s pretty good company. West, affectionately known as The King of Tone, did not disappoint and more than lived up to his reputation. I realized that I was in the presence of greatness; a real live guitar hero who perseveres through physical pain and the challenge of being an amputee. West uses that pain and channels those feelings into his music. Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” was the encore song but the crowd insisted that Leslie play one more. He happily obliged and seemed humbled by the whole affair. Two years ago, his life was spared by having his leg amputated. But West’s modus operandi is to not feel sorry for himself but to continue to create new and exciting music. NEXT WEEK: A look back at the past year in Bands That Rock!
THE 2013 THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT NOVEMBER OCTOBER 9,20,2013
by: Mitch
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013 Page 12
HOTSHOTS! HOTSHOTS!
If you are a bar or club that would like to featured in Hot Shots send us an email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
THE GRAND OPENING OF THE HOT NEW CLUB WAVE LOCATED ABOVE COSMOPOLITAN IN ALLENTOWN
PJ WHELIHANS BETHLEHEM THE BLUE MONKEY HAMMERHEAD LOUNGE THE GIN MILL AND GRILLE FOGELSVILLE HOTEL LINX KROCKS PUB RIVALS SPORTBAR
DRINKYS KEYSTONE PUB WHITEHALL KEYSTONE PUB BETHLEHEM STARTERS PUB REVOLUTIONS SOTTO SANTI MACGRADYS OBT
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING EVE WITH THE COORS LIGHT GIRLS! - 11/27/13
UPCOMING PROMOTIONS FEATURES Hammerhead Lounge
SUNDAY NOVEMBER 24TH RIVALS RIVALS 6-8PM 6-8PM 11 YEAR YEAR ANNIVERSARY ANNIVERSARY $3 $3 DRAFTS DRAFTS SUNSET SUNSET GRILLE GRILLE 2-4PM 2-4PM FOOTBALL FOOTBALL GIVEAWAY GIVEAWAY $2 $2 PINTS PINTS
Starters Pub
Fridays $1.50 Drafts $2.50 Drafts
Leons
Wednesday $3 Pitchers 10-12am
Revolutions
$3 Drafts Happy Hour 5-7pm
Keystone Pub Bethlehem
$1.50 Drafts All Day Everyday
Roosevelts 21st Allentown Hops Fogelsville Hotel
$1.50 Coors Light Drafts Friday $2.00 Drafts
Sunset Grille
$2 Drafts All Day Everyday
Rivals
$3 Drafts All Day Everyday
Linx Tilted Kilt
$2 Drafts
The Valley Coors Girls
PAGE 13
Follow us @LVCoorsGirls
Friday and Saturday $2 Pints
Page 14
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
By Chris Bumbray
KORN
THE PARADIGM SHIFT
LOLA MONTEZ
VOLBEAT
OUTLAW GENTLEMEN AND SHADY LADIES
VOICES
ALICE IN CHAINS THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE
PLOT: Years after the events of the first film, Harper (Taye Diggs) is once again a struggling writer, trying to make ends meet while caring for his fragile, pregnant wife (Sanaa Lathan). He thinks he has it made when his agent suggests he write a biography of his former best friend-turned NFL superstar Lance (Morris Chestnut), and he joins the rest of his estranged friends for a holiday reunion to get the permission he needs. REVIEW: First thing’s first- I’ve never seen THE BEST MAN, so I’m probably not the ideal person to be reviewing the sequel. However, as a fan of many of the people involved- from the underrated Taye Diggs to director Malcolm D. Lee (who made the hilarious UNDERCOVER BROTHER)- I hoped BEST MAN HOLIDAY might prove to be somewhat more inspired than its hopelessly generic title.
BATTLE BORN
FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN & THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 2
TIRED
STONE SOUR HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1
DEAL WITH THE DEVIL POP EVIL ONYX
HAIL TO THE KING
AVENGED SEVENFOLD HAIL TO THE KING
MISERY LOVES MY COMPANY
THREE DAYS GRACE TRANSIT OF VENUS
BORN TO RISE
REDLIGHT KING IRONS IN THE FIRE
SIRENS
PEARL JAM
LIGHTNING BOLT
Having waited a full fourteen years to make the follow-up, you can’t blame director Lee for trying to make the most of his sequel. But, THE BEST MAN HOLIDAY is a film at odds with itself. One the one hand, it’s a slightly risqué adult reunion film, with broad laughs, and a lot of goodwill coming from the fact that the cast has such damn good chemistry. On the other, at 122 minutes it’s too long, and half-way through it suddenly switches gears and becomes a full-on drama, with evangelical Christian overtones that have been carefully hidden from any of the ads, and feel like an odd addition to what started out as a racy, fun romp. It’s here that THE BEST MAN HOLIDAY starts to get a little unwieldy. Clearly, Lee was trying to make something more than just another “holiday comedy” but the fact that the movie gets so religious is peculiar. There’s nothing wrong with having characters be religous or devoted to their faith, but the fact is the movie starts to become downright preachy, with character’s being ridiculed for not having faith. Chestnut and Calhouns are presented as so devout and perfect in their spirituality that they barely seem human towards the end, and are as cardboard as any characters you’d see in a truly evangelical film like COURAGEOUS or FIREPROOF. This may resonate with religious audiences, but others will have a hard time swallowing the preachy vibe of the film’s second half. Despite, or maybe even because of this odd turn, one can at least say that BEST MAN HOLIDAY isn’t just another cynically made sequel designed to cash-in. At the very least Lee and co., had something they were trying to say with the sequel, but whether or not people will respond to it is another question, The again, given the enthusiastic response the film got at the promo screening I attended, maybe they will. The film ends on a note that suggests a third film, and the chemistry of the cast is enough to make a follow-up a no-brainer. THE BEST MAN HOLIDAY isn’t a bad movie by any stretch, but the preachy detour can’t help but feel manipulative and hopefully if there’s a third, it will be less blatant.
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10
NEVER NEVER
Movie Review
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
Though I have never done acid, I can imagine what a bad acid trip would be like, and, accordingly, what a good trip would feel like. And after listening to the new album from Cage the Elephant, I feel like I just experienced both. The new album is entitled Melophobia, which means fear or hatred of music. This is definitely not the case for the Bowling Green, Kentucky based quintet. They actually sound very much like they are enjoying themselves. It’s very hard to place these guys into one specific category of music because their sound is all over the place. Their style ranges anywhere from psychedelic classic rock to blues and funk with some old school punk rock sandwiched in between. The energy they put into their music is not left in the recording studio either. Their live show is not one to be missed, with frontman Matthew Shultz being known for his chaotic and often peculiar on-stage performances. The band formed in 2006 and just a year later signed with Relentless Records after showcasing at the
By: Scotty Scotty Brilliant Brilliant By: is feeling nice and relaxed at this point. I am really digging the raw, garage band sounding “Black Widow.” This would be best described as a song heavily influenced by the iconic alt rock band The Pixies. As we continue our happy little trip, we stumble upon “Hypocrite.” This psychedelic song comes complete with trumpets and sound effects to fully enhance your mind warp. Now is where things go from happy to a little disturbing. “Teeth” begins like an old school punk tune, with the
pour their hearts out. He took bits and pieces of their ramblings and formed it into the spoken word. The album does bring you back to a happy place with the ballad “Cigarette Daydreams.” Crank It Come a Little Closer Telescope Black Widow Teeth
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
ALBUM ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW
Skip It Take It or Leave It Halo
infamous South by Southwest music festival. They released their eponymous debut album, Cage the Elephant, in June of 2008. The band quickly gained national attention after their release of the single, “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked.” They performed on the Late Show with David Letterman and also at Lollapalooza and Bonnaroo. The bands sophomore album, Thank You, Happy Birthday, was released to high critical acclaim in 2011. The group landed multiple late show appearances and also solidified a spot on stage at Coachella and the Glastonbury Festival. I would say the highlight of the band’s career was going on tour with Foo Fighters. It also turned out to be a Godsend because when Cage the Elephant’s drummer Jared Champion’s appendix burst requiring him to seek immediate attention, Foo Fighters frontman (and former Nirvana drummer) Dave Grohl filled in behind the kit while Champion was recuperating. Ironic enough, their hit song “Shake Me Down” was nominated for a MTV Video Music Award for Best Rock Video in September 2011, but lost to “Walk” by the Foo Fighters. The group’s audience expanded further throughout 2011, with them earning the top spot in Rolling Stone’s Readers Poll: The Best New Artist of 2011. After the release of their live album, Live from The Vic in Chicago, Cage the Elephant went back into the studio to record their third full length album which I am about to review right now. The Melophobia acid trip begins with the retro sounding “Spiderhead.” The lyrics are kind of dumb, but it does have a cool dub step effect towards the end. “Come a Little Closer” is the album’s first single and currently being played on The Bone. If you think the song is trippy, make sure you check out the video. My favorite is the very happy “Telescope.” With the lyrics, “Time is like a leaf in the wind / either it’s time worth spent / or time I’ve wasted / don’t waste it;” your brain
trumpets
cup of tea when it comes to music, but I did kind of enjoy this record. It’s so all over the place that it actually makes sense in the end… if that makes any sense. If you’re on acid now, or thinking about dropping acid in the near future, then you might want to refrain from Melophobia. Ahh what the hell am I saying?? Throw on the record… cuz it might be one hell of a trip!
r e t u r n i n g , before transitioning into a frantic spoken word piece. Shultz credits his friends for help with the idea, saying in a recent interview that he invited some close friends over, gave them a bottle of wine and had them Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
Belly Dancing
By Camille Capriglione
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Otherwise known as “solo improvised dances based on torso articulation” (but that description is not nearly as enticing as the term ‘belly dancing,’) it is a bit of a misnomer, as the primary body part used are the hips. Belly dance takes many forms and styles, depending on the country and culture. It originated in the Middle East, in countries such as Egypt, Syria, Algeria and Turkey. It was also popular in Spain where shiny castanets were used in the dancers’ fingers. The dance itself is an exotic visual method of performance art, where the dancer may be performing for a large group but creates a subtle intimacy. Belly dance is sensual but not vulgar. The characteristics of the dance are staccato movements of the hips, to punctuate a beat, lifts of the rib cage, fluid and lyrical movements of the torso and feet, rhythmic loops, rolls and figure eights of the hips, undulations of the abdomen, as well as shimmies, shivers and fast hip vibrations. The arms are used to frame and accentuate. Low kicks with bare feet, ballet arabesques and head tosses add dramatic flair. The clothing of belly dance is heavily embellished and bejeweled - a fitted bra top, a low hip belt, and a full-length skirt or harem pants. The bra and belt are richly decorated with coins, beads, sequins, crystals, fringe and embroidery. Belly dance came to the U.S. at the Chicago World’s Fair in the mid-1800’s. Referred to by its literal French translation, the ‘danse du ventre’ gained national attention. The fact that the dancers wore no corsets, bared their skin and gyrated their hips was shocking to Victorian sensibilities! It was considered immodest, yet belly dance drew men in droves to burlesque theaters, carnivals and circuses. Now, there are belly dance associations across the globe, including one in the U.S., the American Tribal Style Belly Dance. Belly dance has also entered the mainstream fitness market. This non-impact exercise is suitable for all ages. Many of the moves involve isolation of various parts of the body, which improve flexibility and toning. Belly dance is also beneficial to the spine, as the undulations lengthen and strengthen the back while abdominal muscles move gently. Belly dancing was popularized recently by Latin American singer Shakira. Her Colombian and Lebanese heritage influences her dance style, and her performances often include belly dance moves. The Lehigh Valley has several belly dance instructors and classes available to the public. Look ravishing, feel beautiful and stay fit with this ancient dance form!
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 13, 2013
FLU SEASON I didn’t get a flu shot last year. Incidentally, I also didn’t get the flu last year. “I don’t ever really know if it’s worth it,” said my friend when I asked him if he planned on getting a flu shot this year. We are all currently in at the start of the 2013-2014 flu season, which, in the US, is OctoberMay and generally peaks around January or February. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recommends each year that pretty much everyone get the flu shot since fewer sick people means fewer people spreading the disease to people who might become dangerously ill, a concept called “herd immunity”, and getting a shot earlier in the season is preferable since it takes your body some time to build up should you come in contact with the virus. “Getting the vaccine is the best way to prevent the flu” is the mantra that gets touted year after year. Although it’s not catchy, sexy, nor singsong like “Just Do It”, “Got Milk?” or “My bologna has a first name it’s ….” copyrighted probably, but you get the idea. The campaign to get people vaccinated can analogously cite figures that reach into the millions of dollars with CDC spokes people appearing on news-talk shows and some lurid sign appearing outside every grocery store and pharmacy during the winter. But for however much money gets thrown into trying to get people vaccinated, some people always choose not to get the shot. Concerns about mercury that is present in multiuse vials of vaccine as a preservative make some blanche. Others, like my friend, think that it’s not really worth it when the vaccine production process is just a guess, albeit an educated guess, each year about what strains of flu will be most prevalent. Meaning that it is possible and potentially even likely for people who have been vaccinated to still get and spread the flu to others if they come into contact with strains of flu that are not covered by the vaccine in any particular year. Additionally, some people think that the only reason that a flu season exists at all is because winter exists and when it’s cold outside people tend to crowd indoors. Reduced time in the sun decreases vitamin D production, which is important for immune system health. And crowds spread disease around simply by increasing instances of contact. I have another friend who thinks that it’s all a big scam perpetrated by the government in conjunction with big-pharma. Flu shots are something that you need continually, year after year and are recommended for pretty much the entire US population, with few exceptions. All of these things make sense to me, both the pro-vaccine and anti-vaccine brigade appear to have valid points. Even my conspiracy theory friend cites evidence that, to the best of my ability to discern, is real. I can recall having the flu once in my life. I was approximately twelve years old. Since then, I’ve never honestly been able to tell the difference between having the flu and having a particularly nasty cold. The body-aches and fever are things that I think I just feel all the time whenever I am sick and I’m hesitant to characterize all of my illnesses as the flu. All of which is to say that I’m pretty confused, about the whole thing. What I can however say with authority is that I do not have serious allergic reactions to eggs. I am not vegan and I do like things that are free. So last weekend when the Lehigh Valley Health Network held it’s annual drive-through flu shot campaign at Dorney Park and Coca-Cola Park in Allentown, I was either a paranoid sheep, or a health conscious member of the “herd”. At least it was free and the vaccine drivethrough included a food-drive that benefitted Second Harvest of Lehigh Valley and Allentown Ecumenical Food bank among other non-profits, which was definitely, and non-contentiously, a good thing.
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By Elle Spaulding
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20 2013
ZODIAC
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
You need to show the world what you’ve got on Monday -- take a big chance or make public some bit of information you’ve been saving for just the right moment. It should go quite well! The middle part of the week might see you head to the doctor’s office, or at least think about making an appointment -- though the odds are good that your fears, if any, are unfounded.
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20)
The static electricity might become unbearable on Monday. Everyone’s inadvertently shocking everyone else. In a different mood you’d find this funny, but now it’s driving you crazy. The best thing to do? Spend Tuesday and Wednesday around people who wouldn’t drive you nuts if they tried, people whose every gesture you anticipate. In other words, people you adore. This weekend is magical and decadent..
GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21)
SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21)
You can’t help it. You have this aura that people are drawn to. Especially at the start of this week, you’re going to find yourself surrounded by more friends than you ever realized you had. People are attracted to your energy and your confidence. So, whatever you do midweek, especially in social situations, be energetic and confident. Don’t be afraid to state your opinions, even if you know other people disagree.
You’re thinking like a serious philosopher on Monday -although you’re trying not to bore anyone. You like being around people who are nothing like you, who don’t see things the same way, who’ve had different experiences than you’ve had. You enjoy a fresh perspective. Tuesday and Wednesday you’re itching for a change. Thursday and Friday, put yourself in the path of your most outspoken friends. You’d like to hear their take on things. Communication is a theme this weekend, too, but it’s so busy and chaotic you can barely hear a word anyone’s saying.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21)
CANCER (6/22 – 7/22)
CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19)
The disconnect you sense on Monday is particularly annoying because you can tell that this other person is in the mood to talk; you’re just striking out on the specifics. You want to talk about how you feel; they want to talk about money. It isn’t until Tuesday and Wednesday that you feel in-tune with others. Think of Thursday and Friday as an exercise in taking your time and thinking before speaking -- a good warm-up for your social weekend..
LEO (7/23 - 8/22)
James Joyce once said, ‘Nations have their ego, just like individuals.’ This resonates on Monday because the power struggle at hand seems to have the gravity of international conflict, even though it’s really just about you and someone else not seeing eye to eye. Tuesday and Wednesday, rather focus on whether or not you’re in the right, focus on what others are saying. Just listen. See what you learn. Thursday and Friday are full of plain lessons in odd packages, but this weekend you’re shamelessly radiant...
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LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22)
‘Love is life,’ wrote the Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy -and it rings true. It’s hard to think of a better definition of life, especially this week. Monday is more loaded with syrupy sweetness than a stack of pancakes. Tuesday and Wednesday return you to your daily routine, full of minor victories, everyday setbacks, etc., but the end of the week is (once again) completely about relationships. Including romantic ones.
You get things the first time around on Monday. Others need the basics explained again and again -- by which point, you’re totally bored. Think of ways to occupy your mind while everyone else catches up. Tuesday and Wednesday, overactive mental preoccupation may explain why you’re unable to do very basic activities -like eating without spilling on yourself -- but Thursday and Friday you’re a superstar in every way.
No matter how flawless a sales pitch seems on Monday, now is probably not the time. (In fact, the more flawless it seems, the more wary you should be.) Tuesday and Wednesday you’re a lot more interested in creative projects -- making music, making art, writing letters to people -- than in making money. These activities draw you out in a way that feels good right now. Thursday and Friday find you a bit lost in the slow, fraught dynamics of a family situation, but Saturday and Sunday are a pleasure (especially if you do something outdoorsy).
AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18)
You are drawn toward someone like a moth toward a flame on Monday -- although chances are, this attraction isn’t going to end with you burning to a crisp. (How hot could this person be?) There may or may not be romantic content to your attraction; nevertheless, they will be all you can think about. Tuesday and Wednesday find you thinking about yourself (and your VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) wallet) before anything else, but Thursday and Friday You are brilliant at finding ways to be constructive even your thoughts are rich, epic and full of people. as you’re cleaning house, redoing the plan, experimenting. You can change the tires on a car while it’s still PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) moving. This is what Monday is like. Don’t be surprised It is within your nature to overcommit. You have big if, on Tuesday or Wednesday, someone offers, ‘Um, can dreams and you don’t want to say no to anyone else’s we pull the car over and then finish changing the tires?’ dreams either, but meanwhile you have a family and a Not a bad idea, when you think about it; no reason to be job and a social life and -- well, when do you expect all combative. Sadly, on Thursday and Friday, almost every this saving-the-world stuff to get done? Tuesday and interaction you have is combative. But you leave work Wednesday, reconsider your priorities. It’s important to happy on Friday. You have a sense this weekend’s going schedule time for sitting in movie theaters and thinking to be good. You’re right... about nothing at all. Thursday and Friday are upside down and bizarre, but the weekend is extremely normal. And relaxing. And full of love.
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER
Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON
The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
QUAKERTOWN
Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade 11/22 The Punk-A-Billys 11/23 Decoy Clones
WIND GAP
Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000
READING
Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik 11/27 Social Call
MACUNGIE
The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 11/23 The Rotten Apples 11/30 Born Cross-Eyed
OREFIELD
Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 11/22 Modern Romance 11/23 Romeo Vegas
CLINTON, NJ
Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 11/22 Everything is Everywhere w/Heat Thunder & Upperfields Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 11/22 Mike Greer 11/29 Rich Cox 11/30 Keith Garner
PENNSBURG
PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO
The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 1st Wed of Month - Amateur Night
STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 11/22 Quincy Munford 11/23 Christian Porter 11/26 Steve McDaniel 11/27 George Wesley Band 11/29 Mike Miz
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
Check Out Decoy Clones this Saturday At Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern in Quakertown, PA
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013 Page 28
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
single in the CiTY Pick Your Porn Opinions about pornography abound. Some are morally opposed to it; others believe it is addictive. Some argue that pornography degrades women, while others believe it plays a role in healthy sexual expression. Whatever the truth, pornography has been around for several millennia in various incarnations. It’s been said that even the ancient Egyptians had sophisticated forms of porn. Kenny Luck It has also been estimated that worldwide sales of pornography— including DVDs, books, magazines and internet pay sites—adds $97 billion dollars to the global economy. Moreover, according to the research, commercial pornography exists in every industrialized society and in many developing nations, too. The message is clear: one could imagine a very “limp” global economy if all of these skin flicks were to suddenly vanish. Pornography by the numbers: • Between 10,000 and 15,000 pornographic films are made annually in the united States • in 2005, Playboy Enterprises reported a revenue of more than $338 million dollars • A content analysis of 50 random porno films reveals fellatio as the most frequent sexual act, followed by vaginal intercourse • in one study, 92 percent of young men and 50 percent of young women reported using sexually explicit materials as a masturbatory aid And there are no shortages of pornographic “styles,” as I call them: from voyeurism to lesbian to homosexual pornography . . . a simple Google search reveals thousands upon thousands of pornographic images and videos, all reflecting many different sexual tastes and desires. Pornographic digital diversity is a reality, one that becomes apparent with each “click.” Yet, according to the research, despite the diversity on the web, “. . . men’s internet
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Northeast Family Healthcare choices are no different from their other commercial pornography choices.” Generally speaking, men tend to pursue short-term mating strategies (which is why male infidelity is higher), while women tend to pursue long-term mating strategies. This reflects in male-oriented pornography where women are often portrayed as young, willing and anonymous. And from an evolutionary perspective, this all makes sense. “Natural selection,” writes Catherine Salmon, author of one study, “has shaped psychological adaptations specialized to process information about mate quality.” Salmon goes on to say that an evolutionary perspective of pornography—rather than a moral or philosophical one—allows us to examine how pornography and romance embody essential aspects of male and female mating psychology. Source: “The Pop Culture of Sex: An Evolutionary Window on the Worlds of Pornography and Romance,” Review of General Psychology, 2012.
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
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0.1mi from 0.3mi from Union Blvd Hanover Ave GRAHAM
Open Daily 10am - Midnight
HANOVER AVE
570-934-8150
U N I O N B LV D
10 Min from Mt Airy Casino
LEHIGH VALLEY AIRPORT 2MI
expires 11/30/2013
hess express cvs
24/7 - By Appt
AIRPORT RD SOUTH
ARIES SPA 3333 HAMILTON BLVD
610.820.0210
BARBIE
484-201-0931 484-201-0931
EUROPEAN & ORIENTALSTAFF
• Jacuzzi • Sauna • Table Shower
MINUTE SESSION FOR $50 Oriental & 60Open 7 DAYS 10am - 10pm European Beauties 610-437-9505 wawa offer valid with coupon
ANU SPA
NG
PENI O D N A GR
•Certified Massage Therapist (Shiatsu, Swedish, Finger Pressure) •Foot Massage •Facial & Skin Care for Men Open 7 Days
$50
with coupon
2 MILES FROM AIRPORT
413 Union Blvd Allentown, PA 18109
610.841.7900
•SAUNA •BODY SHAMPOO •HOT TOWEL HOURS 9am - 11pm OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK
10% OFF
WITH COUPON
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
PAGE 35
The truths about life, that little children have learnt:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap. The great truths about life, that adults have learnt: 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2. Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. Great truths about growing old: 1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. Great truths about the different stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
Page 36
Great truths about success in life: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . having sex. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . having sex. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
CHECK OUT THE VALLEY BEAT GO TO THEVALLEYBEAT.COM
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
JOKES
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
PAGE 37
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013 Page 38
AVAILABLE WHEREVER BEER IS SOLD! Please Drink Responsibly
AllentownBeverage.com
ALISIA VANESSA
PHOTOS BY: DREAM CATCHER STUDIO • FASHIFY • IMAGZEN
SEE MORE PHOTOS ONLINE WWW.THEVALLEYBEAT.COM
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 20, 2013
MODEL BEAT
Age: 27 Victor, NY
What do you do to make $$? Secretary, Print & Promotional Model. Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Single. How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? Facebook or Contact My Agent: Donatelli Modeling Agency 610-921-0777. Where was your best vacation destination? Key West. What do you do to relax? Read or Play Games on The Computer. What sports do you watch the most? Football. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Rum & Coke. What happens to be your worst vice? Smoking. What is your best feature? My Legs. What TV show do you never miss each week? Family Guy. What movie would you recommend to our readers? White House Down. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Go To Hawaii. What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? Furthering my career as a model/Actress with Donatelli Modeling/Casting Agency. What do you sleep in? Nothing. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? Your Husband lets you go out like that? What do you want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Put their Woman first.
PAGE 39
Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com
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