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8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUE • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 ISSUE6 164. NOVEMBER 6 - 12, 2013
10 CLUB & PUBS
We are working on it but need your help please send info
BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.
12 HOT SHOTS
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ALBUM REVIEW 16 Done by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant
TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 17 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review BOARD VS BOOBIES 21 EASTON Elle Spaulding compares and contrasts the self righteousness of academics 31 BURLESQUE Camille Capriglione checks out the risque show in Emmaus
32 ZODIAC
Your astrology for the week
12 HOT SHOTS 47 MODEL BEAT 47
44 JOKES & COMICS A few chuckles to get you through the week
MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY - NORWAY’S BATTLE AGAINST CHAOS
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
Norwegian public television (NRK), which introduced the now-legendary continuous, live log-burning show (12 hours long, with “color commentary” on the historical and cultural importance of fire), scheduled a new program for this week in its appeal to serenity (labeled “Slow TV”). On Nov. 1, NRK was to televise live, for five hours, an attempt to break the world record for producing a sweater, from shearing the sheep to spinning the wool and knitting the garment (current record: 4:51, by Australians). (In addition to the log, NRK viewers have been treated to live cams on a salmon-fishing boat and, for five days, on a cruise ship.) Said an NRK journalist, “You would think it’s boring television, but we have quite good ratings for these programs.”
--Criminals Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Tony Taylor was arrested in Chicago in October after driving off with a woman’s SUV by convincing her he was a valet parking agent and handing her a claim check. He was detained shortly afterward at a nearby Nordstrom only because he tried to get cash refunds for items that had been in the woman’s back seat. (2) A woman notified police in Fremont, Calif., in September that a thief had rummaged through her vehicle at night but had taken only a low-end gift-shop item -- leaving behind a checkbook, some money and an expensive pillow. The item, she said, perhaps looked like a small bag of marijuana, but in reality was a novelty-store bag of dried elephant dung. “It’s a great gag gift,” she said.
THE ENTREPRENURIAL SPIRIT
--The NASA space agency reported an intruder on its Ames Research Center website in September, emanating from a site in Brazil manned by someone perturbed by the U.S.’s (and, also, by the way, the Illuminati’s) eavesdropping. “Stop spy on us!” and “Obama heartless! Inhumane!” were just two of the messages on the 14 NASA sites taken down temporarily. A Slate.com blogger surmised that the hacker intended to target the National Security Agency -- NSA -- instead of NASA.
-- Extract of cockroach is a delicacy among some Chinese, believed able to miraculously reduce inflammation, defy aging and cure tuberculosis, cancer and cirrhosis. Quartz reported in August that Yunnan province is a Silicon Valley-type business center, where pulverized roaches can sell for the equivalent of about $89 a pound, and five pharmaceutical companies have contracts with ranches that have formed the Sichuan Treasure Cockroach Farming Cooperative. (In August, a start-up farm in Jiangsu province was, police suspect, vandalized, allowing at least a million cockroaches being prepared for market to flee to adjacent neighborhoods.) --When entrepreneur Michelle Esquenazi was asked by a New York Post reporter in September why her all-female crew of licensed bounty hunters (Empire Bail Bonds of New York) is so successful at tricking bail-jumpers into the open, she offered a five-letter vulgar euphemism for a female body part. “It’s timeless,” she continued. “Of course he’s going to open his door for a nice piece of (deleted). ... The thing about defendants is no matter who they are (of whatever color), they’re all dumb. Every single last one of them is stupid.”
LEAST COMPETENT PEOPLE
WEIRD ANIMALS
---A “scatological force field” is how a Reuters reporter in September described the way ordinary house termites are able to increasingly resist extermination. They use their own feces to build their nests, and the pathogens seem to form a protective shield that attacks unfriendly bacteria trying to invade the nests. --”Pig Drinks 18 Pints and Has Fight With Cow” read one August headline from Port Hedland, West Australia, after rampaging wild pigs stole and drank 18 beers from a campsite. International Business Times, summarizing recent research in September, noted that moose, especially, are attracted by fermenting apples; that prairie voles are prominent social drinkers (consuming much more available alcohol when other voles are around); and that African elephants often turn violent to secure the fermenting fruit of the marula tree (although the elephant would require 1,400 pieces of fruit to generate the seven gallons of alcohol that -- if consumed all at once -- would match humans’ legal limit for driving).
MEDICAL MARVELS
ly in faux-fashionable Brooklyn, N.Y. Lucy Sun, a Columbia University
--The Horror: A recent medical journal reported that a 49-year-old man in Brazil said he had recovered from a stroke except that the damage to his brain (in a “subcortical region” associated with higher-level thinking) has caused him to develop “pathological generosity” toward others. A Duke University neurologist told London’s Daily Mail that stroke-induced personality changes (such as hoarding) are common, but that this particular change appears unique. Doctors reported in the journal Neurocase that even with medication, this patient’s beneficence was unabated after two years. --Blood clots can be especially dangerous, often requiring urgent, harshly invasive open-heart surgery to remove the clot before it can be fatal, but a team from UCLA Medical School reported breathlessly in September that a “minimally invasive,” cutting-edge machine worked just as well: a vacuum cleaner. When a 62-year-old man arrived at an emergency room with deep vein thrombosis, AngioVac lines were inserted in the leg and neck and sucked out the 24-inch-long clot. The patient was back home and full of energy a week later.
to help readers find the “right” book to read or give as a gift, with attention to clients’ “specific situations.” In Brooklyn’s Greenpoint neighborhood in September, the stylish Eat restaurant began reserving certain nights’ meals to be experienced in total silence. On opening night, a Wall Street Journal reporter noted one throat-clearing and a muffled sneeze, but barely any other human sound. Some diners were won over; another said it felt like “being 50 and married.”
(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
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--Hipster Haven: Two fearless entrepreneurs inaugurated services recenteconomics major, began seeking work as a $30-an-hour “book therapist,”
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
Page 6
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
CONCERT BEAT CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713 Melanie Martinez, Nov 8 Chiddy Bang, Nov. 9 Manchester Orchestra, Nov 16
TICKETS 212-307-7171
Eagles, Nov 8-11 • Paramore, Nov 13 • Rod Stewart, Dec 9
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 The Duhks, Nov 8 Citizens Band Radio & MIZ, Nov 9 Kalob Griffin Band, Nov 22
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 Avril Lavigne and Jason Derulo, Dec 5
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Aaron Lewis, Nov 16 Scott Weiland And The Wildabouts, Nov 30
Hermetoshpere, Nov 8 Twain Blue, Nov 9 The Boiled Owls, Nov 15
Kanye West, Nov 16 Elton John, Nov 27 Kagero, Nov 16 Open Mic w/Billy Bauer,Nov 21 The Von Trapps, Nov 21 Twain Blue, Nov 22 Yancarlos Sanchez, Nov 23 Enter The Haggis, Nov 27
Kevin James, Nov 7 Frankie Valli, Nov 9 50 Shades The Musical, Nov 10 Paramore, Nov 11 America’s Got Talent, Nov 13 Terry Fator, Nov 17 IL Divo, Nov 19 Bellator MMA, Nov 22 Weezer, Nov 23 Rob Zombie & Korn, Nov 26 Trace Adkins, Nov 29
Megadeth, Nov 30 Celtic Woman, Dec 4 The Price is Right, Dec 7 Myth Busters, Dec 12 Larry The Cable Guy, Dec 28 The Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D, New Years Eve, Dec 31 (Vision Bar) Jim Gaffigan & The White Bread Tour, Mar 29
FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA
TICKETS 212-777-6800
TICKETS 570-826-1100
Built to Spill plus SLam dunk & The Warm Hair,Nov 7 Third Eye Blink, Nov 8 Going to Hell Tour, Nov 9 Dir En Grey, Nov 11
SANTANDER ARENA, Reading, PA
Elvis Costello, Nov 25 • Kenny Rogers, Nov 29
TICKETS 610-898-7469
MAIN GATE, Allentown PA
Chris Cornell, Nov 22 Drew Carey, Nov 23 Bryan Adams, Nov 24
Tyler Farr, Nov 20 • Cynthia & Johhny “O”, Nov 23
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA
THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA
TICKETS (215) 922-5483
TICKETS 610-898-7200
TICKETS (215) 627-1332 My Bloddy Valentine, Nov 9 Fred Armisen, Nov 14 Reel Big Fish, Nov 15 Hoodie Allen, Nov 23 Lamt of God & Kilswitch Engage, Nov 24
Civil Hold Up / The Main Street Band, Nov 1 Less than Jake, Nov 8 Papadosio, Nov 9 Yo Gotti, Nov 10 Way of Life, Nov 13 Pam Ann, Nov 14 Funky Fresh Flashback, Nov 16 Periphery, Nov 17 The Devil Wears Prada, Dec 14
(610) 743-3069 The Business, Nov 10 Gwar, Nov 16 Sepultura, Nov 17 Blyndsyde, Nov 20 Misfits+ The Attack + More, Dec 7
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650
The B-52’s, Nov 8 Toad the Wet Sprocket, Nov 9 Burton Cummings, Nov 14 Cyndi Lauper, Nov 15
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA
Lotus, Nov 7 In This Moment, Nov 8 Reel Big Fish, Nov 9 Jake Miller, Nov 19
Get The Lead Out, Nov 9 38 Special, Nov 16 Dark Star Orchestra, Nov 27 Travis Tritt, Dec 6
TICKETS 570-420-280 Page 8
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY
TICKETS 800-745-3000
1409 N. 9th St
TICKETS 215-336-3600
TICKETS 610-332-1300
TICKETS 877-686-5366
SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA
REVERB - Reading, PA
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA
SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ Pretty Lights, Nov 1 Paramore, Metic, Hellogoodbye, Nov 8 Slayer & Gojira, Nov 29 The Fresh Beat Band, Dec 6
Bleeding Through, Nov 11 The Predatour Feat, Ice Nine Kills, Nov 14 Veil of Maya, Dec 6 ABK, Dec 18
Justin Timberlake, Nov 10 Bon Jovi, Nov 15
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY
Railroad Earth, Nov 29-30 Rusted Root, Dec 5 Twelve Twenty Four, Dec 12 Clutch, Dec 28
TICKETS 570-325-0371
PARAMORE TAKES THE STAGE THIS MONDAY AT THE SANDS BETHLEHEM EVENT CENTER
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
WWW.THEFABFOUR.COM
136 north 6th street, reading, pa (610) 898-show / www.santander-arena.com
MAINGATE NIGHTCLUB (610) 776-7711 BREWS BROTHERS WEST (570) 283-1300 448 N. 17th Street, Allentown, PA
ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK
75 MAIN STREET, LUZERNE, PA
PAGE 9
Tix for all shows at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-phone 800.745.3000, All Ticketmaster Locations & at each venue’s box office VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524
Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100
BATH
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 11/6 DJ Aaron B 11/7 Go Go Gadjet 11/8 Jumper 11/9 Emily’s Toybox w/ DJ Tom Taylor 11/10 Phila Funk Auth 11/11 Element K 11/12 Tower Suite Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee
Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 Wed’s: Ladies Night 11/9 Traci Stacy
Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 11/9 DJ Cobra Karaoke
Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130
Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 11/7 Charter Arts Cafe 11/8 Small Potatoes 11/9 WhiskeyHickon Boys
MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 11/6 Urban Achievers 11/7 ButterJive 11/8 Wallace Bros Band 11/9 Civilian 11/10 DJ Realion 11/11 Open Mic 11/12 Serene Green
Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010 Thursdays: Pool Tournament 8pm & Karaoke w/ DJ Shocker 9:30pm
Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Trivia Friday DJ June Saturday DJ Cisco Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Karaoke
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 11/6 Coral Maze 11/9 SCP
Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke
Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Live Entertainment Tim Harakal / Billy Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More 11/21 Mechanical Bull 11/27 Thanksgiving Eve UUU
Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman
BETHLEHEM
Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300 Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 11/8 Total Whiteout 11/9 DJ Cova Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave 610-882-9190 Thursdays: Open Mic Tuesday’s - Trivia Saturday’-Karoke Jason
Emily’s Toybox w/ DJ Tom Taylor 11/9 Molten Lounge Bethlehem, PA
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CATASAQUA Camo Party 11/9 Drinky’s Easton, PA
COOPERSBURG
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EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League 11/9 Bartender GoGo Rama Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 Tournament Thursdays 11/9 Camo Night Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 11/7 Ernie Stadler Jazz 11/8 Start Making Rent 11/9 Scott Harrington & Friends
SCProject 11/9 Pocono Pub Bartonsville, PA
MORE ON PAGE 32
Strange Brew Tavern 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night 11/8 the trendsetters 11/9 Gracy’s Trip
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The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
ROGER
HODGSON
The Legendary Voice of Supertramp Plays his last 2013 US date at the Scottish Rite Auditorium, Collingswood, N.J.
From left: Kevin Adamson, David Carpenter, Roger Hodgson, Aaron MacDonald, Bryan Head
Remnants of my Supertramp Ticket Stub – June 1977 – “the best concert I’ve ever seen”
but I’m a pretty decent whistler so I think she was cool with it. The first set featured several solo compositions, “In Jeopardy”, “Lovers In the Wind” and “The More I Look”, the last of which is a favorite of mine with signature Roger Hodgson introspective lyrics and a beautiful melody played on twelve string guitar. “Breakfast In America”, “Lady”, “C’est le Bon” and “The Logical Song” finished the set. The second set was equally as inspirational with “Child of Vision” and “Lord Is It Mine” from “Breakfast In America” followed by his homage
to caged zoo animals entitled “Death and A Zoo.” “If Everyone Was Listening” from “Crime of the Century” is one that I did not expect to hear but was glad that I did. The second set wrapped with “Even In the Quietest Moments”, “Dreamer” and his opus, “Fool’s Overture.” “Give A Little Bit” served as a sing-along encore and with that, Roger Hodgson wrapped up the US leg of his 2013 world tour. This is a show that Supertramp fans absolutely should not miss. If and when Hodgson returns to America for a little breakfast make sure you’re there to enjoy the dessert!
PANTONE 485 CVU PANTONE Process Yellow CVU PANTONE Reflex Blue C PANTONE 1395 CVC
Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years! Tune in weeknights for Classic Rock of the 70’s, 80’s and more! Listen Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com
PAGE PAGE11 11
The first time I heard of Supertramp was at Trexler Junior High School in Allentown in 1974 when students were encouraged to bring in their favorite record for music class. The girl who brought in her Supertramp “Crime of the Century” album raved about the band but I remember being put off by the name of the band and the photo on the back cover of the album – five naked guys holding coats and top hats looking up at the stars. Fortunately, my classmate did not allow me to judge a book, or in this case, an album, by its cover as she insisted that I listen to “School”, the first track on the album. When I heard the haunting harmonica intro and exquisite piano solo midway through the tune, I instantly became a fan. Supertramp was a huge part of the soundtrack of my youth growing up in the 70s. The collaborative genius of the songwriting tandem of Rick Davies and Roger Hodgson resulted in some of the greatest rock music ever made. I have fond memories of one of the greatest concerts, if not the greatest concert, I’ve ever seen. In June 1977, Supertramp was touring in support of the “Even in the Quietest Moments” album and made a stop in Allentown at The Fairgrounds grandstand stage. It was a picture perfect late spring evening as Supertramp entered the darkened stage and took their places. Then came that familiar harmonica intro…the place went nuts. I still have my ticket stub from that show. General admission was $6.00. Even though the date on the ticket says June 9, the show was actually postponed to June 19 but well worth the wait. In 1979, for the “Breakfast in America” tour, they bypassed Allentown. Somehow, I was able to convince my dad to chauffeur me along with my sister and her friend to Rutgers University to see them at the Athletic Center. Not only did he relent, he actually embraced the idea of attending a rock concert with his kids. He enjoyed a lot of the symphonic rock of that era and he even went so far as to create a homemade Supertramp “Crime of the Century” t-shirt using magic markers and drawing it freehand. At Rutgers, he received many compliments on his artwork and I was quite proud of my cool concert Super-Dad sporting his custom Supertramp tee. I recall Supertramp saxophonist, John Anthony Helliwell, asking the Rutgers crowd if anyone from Allentown, PA had made it to the show and a rather large contingent of Allentonians interspersed throughout the arena, roared their approval. Bloody well right! Roger Hodgson is credited for quite a few of Supertramp’s hit songs and on Sunday, October 27, at the Scottish Rite Auditorium in Collingswood, NJ, I heard all of them plus some of his excellent solo compositions. Hodgson’s band was in fine form and acoustically, it just doesn’t get much better than this beautiful room. Even Hodgson had praise for the venue – referring to it as “this lovely Masonic temple you have here.” Hodgson was masterful on the grand piano, electric piano and twelve-string guitar. His distinctive voice, still soaring in the higher registers, sounded much like it did thirty plus years ago. He was backed by a talented group of tour musicians - David Carpenter on bass, Bryan Head on drums, Kevin Adamson on second keyboard, and saxophonist Aaron MacDonald. Hodgson was endearing and engaging, often bantering with his audience. With a pleasant and folksy demeanor, he joked and quipped with the crowd, he provided background on his songwriting inspirations and he read notes from fans in attendance who had pre-requested their favorite songs that had meant so much to them over the years. Hodgson easily created an emotional bond with the audience and the band. This was a harmonious affair in every way possible. Hodgson opened with “Take the Long Way Home” with great harmonica by MacDonald. They followed up with “School” with MacDonald once again featured on harp and Adamson playing that familiar piano solo. “Hide In Your Shell” was given the reverence it deserved and Hodgson said that it was a song that meant so much to so many for so many different reasons. The emotion in the audience was palpable. And Hodgson fed off of it. Hodgson beckoned the audience to help him out on the next song by whistling the beginning of “Easy Does It” and “Sister Moonshine” from the “Crisis? What Crisis?” album. I know the songs well and I gave him my best and loudest whistle. I think I freaked out the woman sitting in front of me
THE BEAT OCTOBER NOVEMBER 2013 THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT 9, 6,2013
by: Mitch
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013 Page 14
LAST SATURDAY NOVEMBER 2ND UCC FIGHT AT THE MMA ACADEMY IN READING, PA
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Featuring a wide array of domestic, import, micro & craft Brews Entertainment This Week: Friday Nov 8 – the trendsetters Saturday Nov 9 – Gracy’s Trip
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013 Page 16
By: Scotty Scotty Brilliant Brilliant By:
the bat with “Cry of Achilles.” With your heart rate increasing, Alter Bridge keeps the glorious riffs flowing on “Addicted To Pain,” which was the album’s first single release and currently being played on The Bone. “Lover” is a lowlight with Kennedy whispering the verses. Even though the song is unique, I thought the lyrics were basic and the whispering sounded a little overdramatic. Luckily, the next track, “The Uninvited,” is there to pick things back up again. When the song first came on, I immediately thought, “Tool.” The bass riff and drum hits sound very similar to something Maynard and the boys would have come up with. Kennedy also makes up for his lack of lyricism from the previous song on this one, with him belting out the chorus: “For the blood you waste this will fall on you / now your fate has been decided / for the life you take this is overdue / you are now the uninvited.” Kennedy really explores his vocal range in the glam metalesque “Calm The Fire.” While this song was playing, somehow all I could picture was Geoff Tate from Queensryche. One of my favorites off the album is the apocalyptic “Waters Rising.” I was truly moved by the ballad “All Ends Well.” Not only do Kennedy’s vocals sound nearly perfect, but the song has an inspiring message about
realizing your true potential no matter what obstacles you may face. I predict that this will be the record’s second single. Crank It Bleed It Dry The Uninvited Peace Is Broken Skip It Lover Farther Than the Sun Cry a River (Where’s Justin Timberlake???) I am actually glad that I read reviews of Fortress before I decided to review it myself. Though the majority of reviews were very positive, I can also see where Revolver was coming from, saying the album was “predictable and monotonous.” The album is chock full of killer riffs, but after about five or six songs you can start to see a pattern; there isn’t much variation. But this formula has worked for so many bands over many years and it works for Alter Bridge. Kennedy has an awesome vocal range, and accompanied by Tremonti’s relentless riffing, it becomes candy to the ears. I just hope they don’t eventually go the way of their hard rock cousin, Creed, and become super freaking annoying. Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.
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Do you remember the band Creed? Though I’m sure some of us would like to forget them, you can’t deny their popularity in the mid to late 90s. You might remember the downward spiral of holy-roller frontman Scott Stapp. He became an alcoholic, a prescription drug abuser, and even contemplated suicide right before the band’s break up in 2003. They took a five year hiatus before reuniting in 2009. In the meantime, Creed’s remaining members- guitarist Mark Tremonti, bassist Brian Marshall, and drummer Scott Phillips- teamed up with seasoned vocalist and guitarist Myles Kennedy to form a band called Alter Bridge. Named after a bridge that once existed on Alter Road near Tremonti’s former home in Detroit, Alter Bridge released its debut album, One Day Remains, in 2004 when the group came together. Despite some mixed reviews, the album went on to be certified gold by the RIAA. The band’s sophomore release, Blackbird, was welcomed a little more positively than their debut. They then embarked on a successful world tour in support of the album. In 2009, Tremonti, Marshall, and Phillips reunited with Creed for a tour and an album. At this time, Kennedy teamed up with exGuns N’ Roses and Velvet Revolver axeman Slash to record two songs for his solo self-titled album and front his band for a tour. Alter Bridge continued to write new material and released ABIII in 2010, which included “Isolation,” the band’s most successful single to date. Following another successful world tour and separate musical endeavors the band released their fourth studio album, Fortress, a few weeks ago. Normally, I try not to look at other album reviews before I sit down to write my own, but since there was so much buzz surrounding this album, it was tough to avoid them. I was floored by how positive all the reviews were, with Total Guitar giving it five out of five stars. However, Revolver was not as impressed by the album, feeling that although it showed off the band’s skills, the album became “predictable and monotonous.” The “skills” that Revolver might be referring to, and the reason that Total Guitar gave it such a high rating, could be due to the fact that the guitar work on Fortress is almost impeccable. This awesome guitar work smashes you in the face right off
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
ALBUM ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
By Chris Bumbray
KORN
THE PARADIGM SHIFT
MISERY LOVES MY COMPANY
THREE DAYS GRACE TRANSIT OF VENUS
HAIL TO THE KING
AVENGED SEVENFOLD HAIL TO THE KING
VOICES
ALICE IN CHAINS
PLOT: With Loki (Tom Hiddleston) safely locked away in the dungeons of Asgard, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and his warrior comrades Lady Sif (Jaimie Alexander), Volstagg (Ray Stevenson), Fendral (Zachary Levi) and Hogun (Tadanobu Asano) can set about uniting the nine realms. With their work almost complete, an ancient enemy, Malekith (Christopher Eccleston) - ruler of the Dark Elves- returns from exile to take over the realms with an ancient evil force called the Aether, which happens to be on Earth and possessing Thor’s love interest, Jane Foster (Natalie Portman). REVIEW: Marvel Phase Two continues with THOR: THE DARK WORLD, which like IRON MAN 3 and now AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D continues to deal with the fallout from the Battle of New York that was featured in THE AVENGERS. Considering the scope of the series, it’s kind of unique that rather than try to outdo THE AVENGERS, we’re instead getting a series of stand-alone movies that are more focused on developing each of the heroes independently of their super-teammates than trying to come up with bigger and better action sequences.
THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE
LEADER OF THE BROKEN HEARTS PAPA ROACH THE CONNECTION
LOLA MONTEZ
VOLBEAT OUTLAW GENTLEMEN AND SHADY LADIES TIRED
STONE SOUR HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1
DEAL WITH THE DEVIL POP EVIL ONYX
BATTLE BORN
FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN & THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 2
BORN TO RISE
REDLIGHT KING IRONS IN THE FIRE
Unlike the first THOR, which set the majority of the action on Earth, much of THE DARK WORLD is devoted to Asgard, with not only fan-favorite Heimdall (Idris Elba) the sentry having a more prominent role, but also a lot more screen time for Anthony Hopkins as Odin and especially Rene Russo as Thor and Loki’s mother Frigga. If the makers of THOR seemed reluctant to delve too deeply into the fantasy aspects of the Thor universe, that’s NOT the case here (although like the first film, the 3D is unimpressive). More than any of the other films, THE DARK WORLD plays out like a sci-fi fantasy. It’s maybe not STAR WARS or LORD OF THE RINGS caliber, but if you think of something like KRULL you’re not too far off. For his third go-round as Thor, Chris Hemsworth is charismatic as usual, even if the character, with his God-like powers can’t help but be the least interesting (for me anyways) of The Avengers. There are a few funny nods to Hemsworth’s new heart-throb status; with a funny bit on a London tube opposite an amorous fan of his (I also love all the Londoners taking photos of Thor on their cell phones now that he’s a superstar after the battle of New York). If Loki was the more interesting character in the first THOR, and memorably chewed the scenery in THE AVENGERS, Tom Hiddleston once again steals the show in THE DARK WORLD. An early twist sees him and Thor being allies, and Hiddleston manages to somehow make you like the mischievous, if evil Loki. Surely that’s the sign of a good villain. Still, THOR: THE DARK WORLD can’t help but feel a little familiar (although I suppose Marvel would call it consistent). Like the other non-AVENGERS movies, it feels like just part of a build-up to AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, rather than its own stand-alone movie. Luckily, a teaser for GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY that pops up mid-way through the end credits makes Until then, this new THOR will obviously tide everyone over, and even if it’s not especially memorable, it’s always enjoyable.
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10
NEVER NEVER
Movie Review
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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NIGHTLY ENTERTAINMENT Wednesdays - Trivia Night Thursdays - DJ Thursday starting at 10PM Every Friday & Saturday - Live Acoustic Music
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
THIS WEEKEND THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8 TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN (610) 391-0772
FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111
BECKY’S DRIVE IN Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE http://www.beckysdi.com/
MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON 610-377-8626 http://mvcinema.com/
CARMIKE 16 1700 CATASAUQUA RD ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/
MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204
CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX 2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635 CIVIC’S THEATER 514 514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN EMMAUS THEATER 19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878 THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St 610-863-3094
TOP 10 BOX OFFICE MOVIES
6. Captain Phillips 7. 12 Years A Slave 8. Cloudy w/ A Chance 9. Carrie 10. The Counselor
THE ROXY 2004 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 610-262-7699 http://roxytheaternorthampton.com/ SHANKWEILER’S DRIVE-IN 4540 SHANKWEILER RD (OFF Rt 309) OREFIELD 610-683-8775 http://www.shankweilers.com/
November 15, 2013
REGAL NORTHAMPTON 14 3720 EASTON-NAZARETH HIGHWAY (ROUTES 33 & 248) LOWER NAZARETH TOWNSHIP 610-559-7800 READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 30 N. SECOND ST READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 610-374-2828
NEW DVD RELEASES
1. Grown Ups 2 2. White House Down 3. Girl Most Likely 4. Parkland 5. Love Lace
6. Clear History 7. As I Lay Dying 8. Parkland 9. LoveLace 10. Syrup
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1. Enders Game 2. Bad Grandpa 3. Las Vegas 4. Free Birds 5. Gravity
Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox
REGAL POHATACONG CINEMA 12 Rt 22 PHILLIPSBURG, NJ 908-454-7500 http://www.fandango.com/
REGAL RICHLAND CROSSINGS 12 RICHLAND CROSSING QUAKERTOWN 215-536-7700 http://www.fandango.com
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013 Page 30
THE LEHIGH VALLEY’S TATTOO PROFESSIONALS FOR OVER 20 YEARS
$200 ALL YOU CAN SIT TATTOOS
VALLEY BEAT THE VALLEY BEAT JULY 31,NOVEMBER 2013 THETHE VALLEY BEAT JULY 31, 2013 6, 2013
The Looking Glass Revue: a Night of Burlesque! By Camille Capriglione
Gershwin and Irving Berlin with elegant style. Next, was comedian, Ben Fidler. He had us roaring in the aisles; a truly talented and and engaging engaging comic. comic. Our Our next next treat treat was was aa belly dancer, who charmed the room belly dancer, who charmed the room with with her her exotic exotic moves moves -- scarves scarves and and coins coins jingling jingling from from swaying swaying hips. hips. One One of of the the final final performances performances was was a long-time member of the troupe. She a long-time member of the troupe. She donned a feather boa and a sequined corset, donned a feather boa and a sequined corset, and dazzled us to the tune of “Bad to the and dazzled us to the tune of “Bad to the Bone.” This dancer embodied the art of bold Bone.” This dancer embodied the art of bold and sexy stripping! It left us applauding and and sexy stripping! It left us applauding whistling long after she exited the stage. and whistling long afterashe exited the It was truly fantastic andstage. exciting It was a fantastic andsure exciting evening that truly this reviewer will be to go evening reviewer be sure to go to again! that Thethis Looking Glasswill Revue performs to the again! The Looking Revue performs in Philadelphia andGlass Lehigh Valley areas. in the Philadelphia and Lehigh Valley areas. For info visit http://www.houseofminerva. For info visit http://www.houseofminerva. com/. com/.
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The Looking Glass Revue is a burlesque and comedy troupe that is bringing the art of burlesque burlesque to to aa new new generation! generation! ItIt is the brainchild is the brainchild of of Kate Kate Elfatah, Elfatah, owner owner of of House House of of Minerva Minerva design design house. house. Kate Kate is is aa talented seamstress who began her career designing cosmetic bags and totes for talented seamstress who began her career designing cosmetic bags and totes for her her friends. friends. ItIt rapidly rapidly evolved evolved into into aa successful successful design design business business of of art art deco-inspired deco-inspired and and retro retro fabric collections of the highest quality. A favorite label among the Hollywood crowd, fabric collections of the highest quality. A favorite label among the Hollywood crowd, House House of Minerva has been a part of the Sundance Film Festival four years in a row, and Kate has of Minerva has been a part of the Sundance Film Festival four years in a row, and Kate has worked with celebrities such as Courtney Love. worked with celebrities such as Courtney Love. This savvy businesswoman also has a second love: burlesque. Burlesque is a variety This savvy businesswoman also has a second love: burlesque. Burlesque is a variety show of comedy, theatrical parody and extravagant female striptease that was very popular show of comedy, theatrical parody and extravagant female striptease that was very popular in the late 1800’s through the 1940’s. There has been a resurgence of interest in burlesque. in thePerformer late 1800’sMika through the 1940’s. There hasGlass been a resurgence of interest in her burlesque. Romantic is The Looking Revue’s headliner. Mika and ensemble Romantic is TheWine Looking headliner. and her ensemble (with Performer sexy stageMika names like Brandy andGlass ChinaRevue’s Doll,) as well as aMika comedian and emcee, (with stunning sexy stageperformances names like Brandy Wine and Doll,) asofwell as a comedian emcee, bring and skits, and an China extravaganza sensual beauty andand costumes. bringtroupe stunning performances and skits, and an extravaganza of sensual beauty and(never costumes. The celebrates femininity and showcases a classy manner of disrobing fully The troupe femininity and showcases a classy of disrobing (nevershoe, fully nude) whichcelebrates seduces and entices without being tacky. The manner act of removing one single nude) which seducespossesses and entices without tacky. Theone act of removing shoe, or a nylon stocking, all the charmbeing and sensuality could desire. one Thesingle performers or a nylon stocking,with possesses all theallure. charmThink and Betty sensuality one could desire. The performers tease and tantalize coquettish Boop… tease and tantalize with coquettish allure. Think Betty Boop…
We reviewed a show at Lee Gribbon’s on Main Street in Emmaus, where The Looking Glass Revue performs monthly. Guests were welcomed welcomed to to aa cozy, cozy, intimate intimate setting setting in in the the downstairs lounge. Friendly staff served downstairs lounge. Friendly staff served cocktails cocktails in in aa festive festive atmosphere atmosphere while while the the troupe’s sound person, Alex, played troupe’s sound person, Alex, played swing swing and and big big band band tunes tunes of of the the 1920’s, 1920’s, 30’s 30’s and and 40’s. The emcee, Jayson, entertained the 40’s. The emcee, Jayson, entertained the crowd with suave style and enigmatic banter. crowd with suave style and enigmatic banter. He engaged the audience and warmed us up He engaged the audience and warmed us up for what was to come. for what was to come. It started off with go-go, and a scarletIt started off with go-go, and a scarlethaired dancer bejeweled in gold, black fringe haired dancerred bejeweled gold,next blackdancer fringe and cherry pumps. inThe and cherry red pumps. next dancer entertained us to “BoogieTheWoogie Bugle entertained us to D” “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company in black thigh-high Boy of Company in gloves. black The thigh-high stockings, corset andD” long newest stockings,ofcorset and long gloves. The newest member the troupe came onstage next, member of the troupe came onstage next, in a floor-length negligee reminiscent of a in a floor-length reminiscent 1940’s Hollywood negligee movie star. She dancedoftoa 1940’s Hollywood movie star. She danced to
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
ZODIAC
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) You need to show the world what you’ve got on Monday -- take a big chance or make public some bit of information you’ve been saving for just the right moment. It should go quite well! The middle part of the week might see you head to the doctor’s office, or at least think about making an appointment -- though the odds are good that your fears, if any, are unfounded. If you want to start any new ventures, save them for the second half of the week. Your ability to read new partners and others should make it easy to choose correctly...
LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22)
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) You start the week a little bit flustered, thanks to worries about insecurity. Try to get your most important people to reiterate their commitment to you and all should be well. Tuesday and Wednesday see a blossoming of your personal energy, and you should be able to really enjoy your surroundings and activities. Branch out and try something new! Coworkers or neighbors brighten your days in some surprising ways during the latter half of the week, so make sure to return the favor as soon as possible!..
SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21)
GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) Monday is perfect for decisive action. You’ve had at least one great idea pop into your head lately; now is the time to bring it to life. You should get all the support you need. Watch out for gossips or worse midweek -- people seem all too eager to insinuate themselves into other people’s business. Walk away as soon as you see it. Though your mind is filled with good energy later in the week, especially Saturday, you might find yourself a bit stressed out by big decisions, which are harder than usual... CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) Finances might be on your mind as the week begins, but you should be able to discern expenses that make sense from those that don’t. Be firm with family members! You need to deal with the aftermath of a lengthy work session or party on Tuesday and Wednesday, but it’s easier than usual to clean up and return your world to its proper working order. Work closely with your mate or business partner this weekend, and you should find new strengths building up between you. It’s a good time to leave at least a little bit unsaid...
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LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Monday is fantastic -- almost too much so to be believed! Your great energy helps you take care of any problems before they get out of control, and you should get the respect you know you deserve. Spend some time in the middle of the week thinking through your plans for the year, because your mind is better able to see how it meshes with your expectations. You may need to adjust your ambitions somewhat. VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) You should feel free to take all the time you need on Monday to plot out the rest of the week. You’re more likely to get everything done if you’ve got it all scheduled out, even if that means Monday isn’t productive. Your energy midweek is perfect for following through and organizing, so you can be confident that you should more than make up for any slacking earlier. Watch out for big decisions later in the week, especially in the early weekend -- it’s hard to pick between your various options.
Your creative energy is fully engaged early this week, and you should make the most of it! You may feel the urge to redecorate or otherwise change up the way things look. On Tuesday and Wednesday, you are almost certainly dealing with responsibilities that feel a little overwhelming, but only because you haven’t figured out the limits yet. Think it all through and things should be fine in the long run. Good energy floods into your life in the second half of the week, and that makes it much easier for you to find time for all the most important people in your life.
Keep it low-key early this week -- you need to avoid the appearance of hogging the stage or otherwise taking more than your share of the attention. It may be tough, but it’s worth it. Things get much better on Tuesday, and you are privy to secret information that makes the next couple of days quite interesting -- and kind of fun, in a naughty sort of way. Open up discussions later in the week, as you need to get some ideas out in the open and start vetting them for future use. Your people should be up for it!..
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21)
You’ve got a decided advantage in all your dealings on Monday -- and it all comes down to your great energy! You may feel that it’s unfair, but you also know that it all comes close to evening out in the long run. In fact, as early as Tuesday, you may find yourself passed up for a raise or promotion. Midweek isn’t a good time for advancement, but you can at least hold your ground. The latter half of the week puts you back in the center of attention, and you ought to be able to impress a few people with your answers to their tough questions...
CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19)
You’ve got a difficult problem involving sharing resources that must be solved Monday -- and almost nobody is going to be happy with the final results. That’s better than some being happy and others being irate, though! You feel grounded after dealing with that issue, and should be able to connect with people in a positive way through the middle part of the week. Work issues may arise on Thursday or Friday that require far more attention than they are really worth -- but it’s unavoidable, and you may need to work through the weekend...
AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18)
Tensions lead to discoveries on Monday, so don’t be afraid of confrontation. In fact, you may want to instigate something just to see what happens -- at worst, you just have to apologize and move on. Things aren’t quite what they seem in the middle of the week, but a bit of careful investigation should yield some interesting insights. Keep looking until you’re satisfied. You’re tempted to try something new and daring over the weekend, and your great mental and social energies should make it a no-brainer: Go for it!..
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade w/ Billy Wear 11/8 Hoozya Daddy 11/9 Johnny Cash/Elvis Trib
WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000
READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik 11/9 Toga Party Band 11/16 Beer Pong Tournament
MACUNGIE
The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night 11/21 Food & Beer Pairing The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 11/9 Gailforce
OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 11/8 A.D.D 11/9 Mississippi Pig Farmers
CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 11/7 Find Vienna 11/8 The Poles 11/9 Blue Wave Ramblers Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 11/8 Mike Brill 11/9 Keith Garner
PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO
The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night First Wed of the Month
STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 11/8 Cherokee Red 11/9 Suze 11/12 Regina Sayles
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
PISCES (2/19 - 3/20)
Work can be almost impossible on Monday -- especially if you have to collaborate or deal with too many meetings. Your coworkers seem to be taking out all their aggression on you, though you can avoid it if you’ve got a door to shut. Things get much better overnight, and you ought to be able to get a jump on your rivals as long as you don’t let yourself over think your position. On Thursday, you see an opportunity to help someone in need and should take it, as it may turn into something much bigger as the week draws to a close.
Check Out A.D.D this Friday at the Leather Corner Post in Orefield, PA
THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
a t e n l o l i D
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610-921-0777 TV, Major Motion 156 Madison Ave, Picture Films, Print and Promotional www.donatellimodels.com Reading Pa
WITH
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THE VALLEY BEAT INDUSTRY MONDAYS
AT SOTTO SANTI 10 W. 4th St BETHLEHEM
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sexucation SIZE MATTERS
It’s everywhere. Men are praised for it, girls supposedly envy not having it, and every weapon in the world—from bullets to arrows to missiles—is shaped like it. It’s half responsible for your existence, and it has more slang names than Taylor Swift has had hit songs. You may have guessed it: it’s the organ of all organs… the male endowment, or, to use its proper name, Kenny Luck the phallus. Freudian psychoanalysis dominated the interpretation of culture for most of the last century, prompting readers to look for phallic symbols everywhere. But despite oversaturation, I think science and culture can teach us more about the societal importance of the male endowment. Examples abound. Men in the highlands of New Guinea have a decorative sheath called a “phallocarp.” This device can be as big as two feet long and four inches in diameter, making for one well-hung individual. Decorated with bright red or yellow colors, these devices are also covered with fur, leaves and other ornament. The point, I assume, is to attract females by exaggerating the appearance of the man’s reproductive machinery. Other species, like the male bowerbird and peacock, use similar sexual signals to attract potential mates. Zoologists who study this kind of thing have documented “sexual selection,” as Darwin called it, in other parts of the animal kingdom as well. Elsewhere in the world, in rural Northern Thailand, villagers practice a tradition of displaying carved, wooden phalluses throughout the village to repel deceased widow ghosts. When a healthy male dies in his sleep, a widow ghost is blamed. Allegedly, these deceased dames roam about Northern Thai villages, looking for men to take as their “husbands” and with whom they have sexual intercourse, kind of like that scene in “Ghostbusters” when Dan Aykroyd gets his pants unzipped by a ghost - not a bad deal for the guy (who is alive) because there’s no chance of getting an STD. “Ranging from the crudest wooden shafts to carefully carved images complete with coconut shell testicles and fishnet public hair, they adorn virtually every house,” said anthropologist Mary Beth Mills. Mills has observed these unusual lawn ornaments firsthand. In the U.S., erecting an erected male shaft on one’s front lawn might not fly because of city zoning laws, but in rural Northern Thailand villages, it’s all the rage. Another aspect of male size has to do with evolution. Among the great apes, human males rank on top for size. According to Jared Diamond, author of “Why Sex is Fun,” the length of the erect penis is only about 1¼ inches in gorillas and 1½ inches in orangutans but 5 inches in humans, even though males of the two apes have much bigger bodies. One explanation for this is that men’s penises evolved to match the length of the women’s vagina. If not for this natural limitation, men might be walking around with junk the size of those New Guinea phallocarps described earlier, which might make playing contact sports and jogging a lot more difficult! At any rate, science and culture can help us understand a lot when it comes to the male endowment, its symbolic importance and its origins in both biology and folklore.
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
MUSIC
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Psychiatrists Intimacy Barbara was with her psychiatrist, Dr. Steinberg. Suddenly, she asked him “Will you kiss me?” Shocked, Dr. Steinberg replied abruptly “Certainly not! We must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship.” “Well…” Barbara said, “Will you hold my hand?” “Not even that,” Dr. Steinberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.” Barbara ponders for a moment then asks, “Will you at least tell me that you love me?” “Try to understand…” Dr. Steinberg told Barbara, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I love you. We shouldn’t even be in bed together!” The Best Crap of your life! We all enjoy a good satisfying shit. But did you know that you can transform a regular shit into a fantastic shit? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life… 1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you. 2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your shit. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world. 3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant ass blasts. Public restrooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the shit goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and piss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers. 4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent shitter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters. 5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic shit of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen TV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on. 6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid shit from your asshole and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival.
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7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap, shitty toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got shit stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper. 8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your ass, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
JOKES
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013
MODEL BEAT
Age: 34 Doylestown, PA
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What do you do to make $$? WEB DESIGN, Film, TV & Promotional Model. Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Single. How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? Contact My Agent: Randy@DonatelliModels.Com. 610-921-5582 Ask For Randy! Where was your best vacation destination? Canada. What do you do to relax? Yoga. What sports do you watch the most? Show Jumping. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Grey Goose & Lime. What happens to be your worst vice? Cell Phone Junkie. What is your best feature? Smile, Personality & Legs . What TV show do you never miss each week? Suits. What movie would you recommend to our readers? Man Of Steel. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Study Abroad in Germany & Germany Oktoberfest.. Are you a Spender or a Saver? Both. What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? Taking my Modeling to a serious Level. What do you sleep in? Commando. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? Your outfit would Great on my Bed Room Floor. What do you want guys to know about sex/ relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? You may have me as yours BUT you will not choose my friends male or female & you DO NOT OWN MY ASS.. & YES you may open doors for me & treat me with TOTAL. Respect.
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