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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe
8 CONCERT BEAT
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUE 6ISSUE • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 140. MAY 22 - 28, 2013
Concert listings from many places
10 CLUB & PUBS
We are working on it but need your help please send info
BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.
12 HOT SHOTS
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TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review 16 Done ALBUM REVIEW by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant
25 MAR COLONY PROJECT 26 ZODIAC
Tyler Drake explores how life would be on that mysterious red planet
Your astrology for the week
36 JOKES & COMICS
12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 39
A few chuckles to get you through the week
MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
by Chuck Shepherd LEAD STORY
--The beauty pageant each April at the Rattlesnake Roundup in Sweetwater, Texas, requires traditional skills like interview poise, evening-gown fashion and talent, but also some ability and inclination to milk and skin rattlers. High school senior Kyndra Vaught won this year’s Miss Snake Charmer, wearing jeweled boots one night for her country-western ballad, then Kevlar boots and camouflage chaps the next as she took on dozens of rattlers in the wooden snake pit. Vaught expertly held up one serpent, offered its tail-end rattles for a baby to touch, then helped hold, measure, milk and skin a buzzing, slithery serpent. A Los Angeles Times dispatch noted that Vaught hoped to be on her way soon to the Berklee College of Music in Boston.
THE CONTINUNING CRISIS
--That there are flea “circuses” is bizarre enough, but in March a cold spell in Germany wiped out an entire troupe of “performing” fleas, requiring the flea whisperer to secure replacements (because, of course, the show must go on). Trainer Robert Birk reached out to a university near Mechernich-Kommern for 50 substitutes, which he apparently worked into the act over one weekend. (Fleas, with or without training, can pull up to 160,000 times their own weight and leap to 100 times their own height.) --The owner of a restaurant in southern Sweden told authorities in March that the former owner had assured him that “everything had been approved,” apparently including the appliance the restaurant used for mixing salad dressings and sauces -- which was a table-model cement mixer. When health officials told the owner that it certainly was not “approved,” he immediately bought another, “rust-free,” mixer. (Health authorities had come to the restaurant on a complaint that a screw had turned up in a customer’s kabob.)
MODERN ANGLERS
OOPS! -- Tyshekka Collier, 36, was arrested in Spartanburg, S.C., in March after she had rushed to her son’s elementary school after a call that he was suspended. As she burst into the office, angry at her son for getting into trouble, she saw a pouting boy with his head down and slapped him, thinking he was hers. He wasn’t. (After apologizing, she then managed to locate her son and promptly slapped him around). ---- When Evan Ebel was killed in a roadside shootout in March, it was clear that he was the man who had days earlier gunned down the head of the Colorado prison system (and his wife) at the front door of their home and then fled (and killed another man while on the lam). Ebel should not even have been free at the time, having been accidentally released from prison in January only because a judge’s assistant had mistakenly marked Ebel’s multiple prison terms to be served “concurrently” instead of one following the other (“consecutively”). (The supervising judge “extend(ed) condolences” to the families of Ebel’s victims.)
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST -- The Discovery Channel announced a new survival show to debut this summer, “Naked and Afraid,” dropping off a man and a woman (strangers), without tools or clothes, to fend for themselves on an isolated Maldives island. Among the previews: Ms. Kellie Nightlinger, 38, a self-described “ultimate survivalist,” finally thought after two weeks of nearly starving that she could attract fish close enough to be snatched up (as a New York Daily News reporter put it) “us(ing) her ladyparts as bait to catch fish between her legs.” Said a Discovery Channel executive: “Survival shows are so common now that it’s gotten more and more difficult to convince the audience that what they’re watching is something extreme.”
PERSPECTIVE --Location, Location, Location: The New Delhi, India, neighborhood of Lutyens’ Delhi houses some of the richest people in the country in comparatively modest mansions, with the city’s real
--Chad Pregracke, 38, a Mississippi River legend, spends nine months a year hauling heavy-duty litter out of waterways with his crew of 12. He told CNN in March that he has yanked up 218 washing machines, 19 tractors, four pianos and nearly 1,000 refrigerators -- totaling over 3,500 tons of trash -- and has collected the world’s largest array of bottles with messages inside (63). --Eliel Santos fishes the grates of New York City seven days a week, reeling in enough bounty to sustain him for the last eight years, he told the New York Post in April. The “fishing line” Santos, 38, uses is dental floss, with electrician’s tape and Blue-Touch mouse glue -- equipment that “he controls with the precision of an archer,” the Post reported. His biggest catch ever was a $1,800 (pawned value) gold and diamond bracelet, but the most popular current items are iPhones, which texting-on-the-move pedestrians apparently have trouble hanging onto.
estate bubble inflating prices into nine figures, though home sales are rare, according to a March
BRIGHT IDEAS
--Finally, Herson Torres was freed. As Bloomberg Business Week reported step-by-step in April, Torres was recruited by a “Defense Intelligence Agency operative” to rob a Virginia bank in order to test first-responder reaction times. If caught, Torres’s arrest would be removed, said “Theo,” the operative. The skeptical Torres asked advice of various authority figures, including two bemused lawyers, but “Theo” was able to calm them all with a dazzling display of CIA jargon and procedures. Torres was indeed arrested, and “Theo” indeed sprang him (but with a judicial order that was forged). Ultimately, “Theo” was revealed to be frustrated computer-techie Matthew Brady, 26, who lives with his mother and grandmother in Matoaca, Va., and despite his obviously world-class bluffing skill, he pleaded guilty in May and was ordered treated for his paranoid schizophrenia and delusional disorder.
-- Apparently feeling feisty after a successful stint in February hosting the Bassmaster Classic, local officials in Tulsa, Okla., announced in April that they were considering preparing a bid for the 2024 Summer Olympics. (The Winter Games sometimes get awarded to small venues, but never the Summer Games.)
New York Times dispatch. In the similarly wealthy city of Hong Kong, in the “gritty, working-class West Kowloon neighborhood” where the laborers serving the rich live, about 100,000 dwell in pitiable housing, including the increasing number who rent what are basically stacks of wire sleep cages, measuring about 16 square feet each (and offering no protection against bedbugs). An Associated Press reporter found one tenant paying the equivalent of about $167 a month for his mesh digs.
HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND! PEOPLE WITH ISSUES
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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
CONCERT BEAT
CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713
Center, May 24 Sam Doom & Friends, May 25 Buzz Chopper, May 31 Tom Keifer, Jun 5
TICKETS 212-307-7171 The Killers, May 14 Rod Stewart, Dec 9
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600
Ark of the Covenant / Legions, May 24 Maria K, May 29 Great White, Aug 13 Bullet Boys, Aug 15
SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ TICKETS 877-686-5366
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249
Peek A Boo Revue, May 17 Commander Cody, May 18 Craig Thatcher CD Release, May 19
Toby Keith & Kip Moore, Jun 22 Jimmy Buffet, Jun 25 Dave Matthews Band, Jun 28-29 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY TICKETS 212-777-6800
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600
BuckCherry, May 23 The Apple Stomp, May 31-Jun 1 The Janoskians, Jun 10-11 Hanson 21st B-Day Show, Jun 17
Kellie Pickler, Jun 1 Blues Traveler, Jun 21 Brandi Glanville, Jun 22
Alkaline Trio, May 23 The Dandy Warhols, Jun 1 Summerland Tour, Jun 20 Rancid, Jun 22 This is Hard Core, Aug 8-11
TICKETS (215) 627-1332
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA
REVERB - Reading, PA
TICKETS 717-534-3911
One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13
TOYOTA PAVILLION Montage Mountain - Scranton, PA TICKETS (570) 961-9000
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA
Josh Ritter & The Royal City Band, May 16 Everyother Day/ Could’ve been Kings, May 18 The Darkness, May 21 Vampires Everywhere, May 23 2 Live Crew, May 24 Killswitch Engage, Jun 9
Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 George Thorogood Styx & Foreigner, Aug 7 KC & The Sunshine Band, Aug 8 Darius Rucker, Aug 9 Ke$ha, Aug 10 Avenged Sevenfold, Aug 11
(610) 743-3069 Barb Wire Dolls, May 22 • Aaron Carter, May 31
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650
DuDu Fisher, May 29 The B-52’s, Jun 7 The Go-Go’s, Jun 12 Hot Tuna Acoustic, Jun 14
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA
Hollywood Undead, May 22 Kellie Pickler, Jun 1 Dropkick Murphy’s, Jun 11 Dickey Betts, Jun 8
Lee Brice, May 30 Skid Row, May 31 Rockapella, Jun 7 Ana Popovic w/ special guest Dana Fuchs, Jun 8
TICKETS 570-420-280
HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA
1409 N. 9th St
The Rolling Stones, Jun 18 Bruno Mars, Jun 24
Carly Rae Jepsen, Aug 2 One Republic, Aug 3 Skillet, Aug 4
Slash, Jul 16 Tony Bennett, Jul 26 Seth Meyers, Jul 31 Jay Leno, Aug 11 The Wanted, Aug 24 Gabriel Iglesias, Aug 29 Hanson, Sept 2 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22 Steely Dan, Sep 27 Jeff Foxworthy, Sept 28 Franky Valli, Nov 9
TICKETS (215) 922-5483
TICKETS 877-682-4791
TICKETS 610-332-1300
Korn, May 23 BuckCherry, May 24 Weird Al Yankovic, Jun 4 Billy Idol, Jun 9 Willie Nelson, Jun 16 Rock of Ages, Jun 10 Menopause the Musical, Jun 21 Cheech & Chong, Jun 28 Dwight Yoakam, Jul 3 Michael McDonald, Jul 7 Los Lobos, Jul 10
Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Jun 18
THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA
MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA
TICKETS 800-745-3000
SOVEREIGN CENTER, Reading, PA
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono
TICKETS 215-336-3600
SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA
Dave Matthews Band, May 29 Kid Rock, Jul 6 Rock Star Energy Drink Mayhem Fest, Jul 13 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 16 Uproar Tour: Alice In Chains / Janes Addicition, Aug 9
TICKETS 610-898-7200
WWE Live, Jul 7
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MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY
Aaron Lewis, Jun 12 SlapJaw, Jun 14 Electric Hot Tuna, Jun 25 Mac Miller, Jul 16 Kansas, Aug 11
TICKETS 570-325-0371
Check Out Metal Masters KORN Thursday at the Sands Event Center
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
AARON CARTER
PAGE 9
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524
Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 5/24 Bryant Brothers 5/25 Mad Dog & Blues Night Out Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Tuesday Nights: Karaoke w/DJ Troy 5/24 DJ Keith / Red / Reaction / LF Project 5/25 Rauscher & Kaligis / Charlie Brown Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music
Strange Brew Tavern 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night Sunday: Open mic 5/24 Hoozya Daddy 5/25 Hattrick
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Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Live Entertainment Tim Harakal / Billy Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More
Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman
BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 5/25 Scott Marshall & Marshall’s Highway
BETHLEHEM
Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama
MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Baseball Thurday: DJ@10pm Sat: BOGO Burgers Sunday: Football
Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 5/22 K-Jamm 5/23 St. Cloud Band 5/24 Back to the Action 5/25 Brother JT 5/26 Closed 5/27 Open Jam Nite 5/28 Born Crosseyed Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Jukebox Thursday: Karaoke Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Karaoke Sunday: Karaoke Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300 Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 5/24 Emily’s Toybox 5/25 DJ A-Mixx Tally Ho 205 W. Fourth St 610-865-2591
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 5/22 The Wig Electronica Night 5/23 Jumper 5/24 Philly Funk Auth 5/25 Real Diamond: Neil Diamond Trib 5/26 Start Making Sense 5/27 Element K 5/28 DJ Tom Taylor
Scott Marshall & The Hillbilly Souls 5/25 The Cornerstone Pub Bethlehem, PA
Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 5/25 Summer Beach Party w/ DJ Zee
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 5/22 Dave’s Night Out: Banjo with Michael Beaky & Tom Druckenmiller 5/23 Bucky Pizzarelli & Frank DiBussolo
Emily’s Toybox 5/24 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA
CATASAQUA
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
COOPERSBURG
Drinky’s 5/25 Bikini Bash w/ DJ Jamal Knight Allentown, PA
Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010
BARTONSVILLE
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 5/22 Uncle Smiley 5/25 Bad Influence
EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Golf Outing June 17 Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 5/24 Military Appreciation Night w/ DJ Zee 5/25 Memorial Day Bikin Bash w/ DJ Jamal Knight Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 5/22 Trad Irish Jam 5/23 Yan Carlos Sanchez 5/24 Rich Mystics 5/25 Leoce & Special Guests
Hattrick 5/25 Strange Brew Pub Bethlehem, PA
MORE ON PAGE 26
Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke 6/1 Rupall Drag Race Roxxxy Andrews
The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
into honky-tonk or ragtime with the twangy piano sound. Bergman provided percussion on the congas. The table was set for the electric portion of the show as the lights went out after the unplugged set finished. The crowd hooted, hollered and whistled as Bonamassa strapped on his guitar and plugged in.
B AC K
AT
T H E
“Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” Sure, those numbskulls who do sketch comedy every Saturday night at 30 Rock in Midtown Manhattan were plying their trade as usual this past Saturday night, but uptown, about twenty-three blocks north of SNL studios, at West 74th Street & Broadway, a master of the acoustic and electric guitar was plying his trade. The supremely talented and gifted blues rock guitarist, Joe Bonamassa, made his triumphant return to the storied Beacon Theater on Friday and Saturday night, where in November 2011, he recorded two soldout shows resulting in the release of a double live CD. It’s no coincidence that both performances last weekend were also sellouts. Bonamassa’s been packing houses for several years now and has earned the right to play in vaunted venues like the Vienna Opera House in Austria and Royal Albert Hall in England. The word is out about Bonamassa and it’s now becoming increasingly difficult to score good seats to see him play without taking out a second mortgage. In August 2009, he played Penn’s Peak in Jim Thorpe but it seems unlikely that The Peak will ever be on his tour itinerary again and that would be a shame. With the exception of a May 13 show at the Liacouras Center in Philadelphia, he’s bypassed the Lehigh Valley completely.
involved for gas, tolls, overnight parking in Manhattan, hotel room in Manhattan on a Saturday night, food, beverages, taxi rides and concert tickets, I felt as if I should be doing a Master Card commercial ending with, “Joe Bonamassa at The Beacon Theatre…priceless.” So what is it about Bonamassa that causes me to want to go deeper into debt? Quite simply, he kicks ass. Whether he’s plucking and picking on his acoustic guitar or ripping on his electric guitar, I find myself becoming so mesmerized at his sheer talent and musicianship that time passes by much too quickly. A two and a half hour show seemingly gets compressed into an hour and I’m left wanting more. Bonamassa’s got some fine players in his band who fully understand that their role is to allow the star to shine. Brooklyn-born Carmine Rojas is a man’s man on bass guitar and has been touring with Bonamassa for a while. Tal Bergman on drums is a powerful complement to the rhythm section. Arlan Oscar Schierbaum plays the keyboards and that includes a beat up, slightly out-of-tune, upright spinet piano that got a good workout for Bonamassa’s opening acoustic set.
“Slow Train” built to a crescendo with a train chugging sound effect as the band pounded out driving blues rock with Bonamassa playing hard and fast. He followed up with “Dust Bowl” which has a spacey Pink Floyd-esque beginning to it but then kicks into high gear. The band then broke it down into a softer interlude for more sweet solos from Bonamassa. They played Gary Moore’s “Midnight Blues”, Howlin’ Wolf’s “Who’s Been Talking” followed by “Django” and “Mountain Time” before Bonamassa introduced a special guest which has also become a tradition of his live shows. Billy Squier was introduced and greeted with polite applause. He joined Bonamassa for an extended version of Cream’s “Crossroads” and “Look Over Yonder’s Wall.” Some in the audience didn’t appreciate Squier stealing the spotlight from Bonamassa but the jamming special guest segment will continue to be a part of the Bonamassa experience. You just never know who may show up. Guitarist Blondie Chaplin, who played with The Beach Boys in the 70s, also got the nod from Bonamassa to join him onstage for “The Ballad of John Henry.” The encore consisted of two covers: Tim Curry’s “Sloe Gin” and ZZ Top’s “Just Got Paid.” Throughout the evening at The Beacon, I caught myself smiling – actually grinning from ear to ear because it was so good. Joe Bonamassa continues to mature and evolve as one of the premier blues rockers who ever picked up a guitar. It’s my sincere hope that he’ll play a little closer to home in the future. Regardless, you’ll get your money’s worth at any Bonamassa show in any town at any price. It was a lot of fun to see him in NYC for a Saturday Night Live at The Beacon Theater that I won’t long forget and one that even Jake and Elwood Blues would approve of.
Opening acoustic numbers included “Palm Trees, Helicopters and Gasoline”, a riveting cover of Bad Company’s “Seagull”, John Martyn’s “Jelly Roll”, “Athens to Athens” and “Woke Up Dreaming.” Bonamassa played passionately on acoustic guitar while Schierbaum was more laid back on Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in the spinet except for weeknights for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits “Athens to Athens” from the 60s through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including which was raw Delta free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please blues that morphed contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com
PAGE 11
Was it worth it to take out a second mortgage for a night out in the city to see Joe B. at The Beacon? Unequivocally, the answer was a resounding YES! After tallying the costs
B E AC O N
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
by: Mitch
Page 12
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
PAGE 13
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
24 Taps
www.strangebrewtavern.co 610-841-3610
Featuring a wide array of domestic, import, micro & craft Brews Entertainment This Week: Fri May 24 – Hoozya Daddy Sat May 25 – Hattrick Sunday – Open Mic Night
Kitchen open 11am til Midnight
Open 7 days a week 11am - 2am 1996 S. Fifth St Allentown
Page 14
(corner of S. 5th St & Emaus Ave)
strangebrew610
WAT CH A L THE GAM L HER ES E
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
THE HANGMAN’S BODY COUNT VOLBEAT OUTLAW GENTLEMEN & SHADY LADIES
VILIFY
PLOT: The crew of the U.S.S Enterprise is sent on a dangerous mission to eliminate rogue Starfleet officer John Harrison (Benedict Cumberbatch), whose latest acts of terror have left thousands dead, and might plunge the federation into a war with the Klingons.
DEVICE
REVIEW: STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS doesn’t waste any time picking up right where J.J Abrams’ STAR TREK reboot left off four years ago. When we last left the Enterprise, Kirk (Chris Pine) had just been given command, with Mr. Spock as his erstwhile first officer. When this picks up, we find Kirk, Spock and the irascible as always Dr. McCoy (Karl Urban) on a mission to save a planet outside the federation from a destructive volcano. In an absolutely mammoth action set-piece that sets the pace for what’s to follow, Abrams absolutely dazzles us with 3D eye-candy, as Spock finds himself trapped in a live volcano, while Kirk and McCoy are chased by the planet’s inhabitants.
DEVICE
I’LL FOLLOW YOU
SHINEDOWN AMARYLIS
DO ME A FAVOR
STONE SOUR
HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 2
STONE
ALICE IN CHAINS
THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE
TRENCHES
POP EVIL ONYX
ANASTASIA
SLASH / MYLES KENNEDY APOCALYPTIC LOVE
THE HIGH ROAD 3 DAYS GRACE
TRANSIT OF VENUS
Just like in the last film, Chris Pine’s Kirk doesn’t feel like he’s grown into the guy Shatner played, with him being hotheaded and egotistical, but even more than last time, you can feel his Kirk growing into the man he needs to be. Other than Spock, his most important relationship is with the fatherly Admiral Pike, once again played by Bruce Greenwood. The material between these two gets the film off to a great start, and plants the seeds for what’s to come, not only in the rest of the movie, but also for the rest of the franchise. We see Pine evolve more and more into the character over the course of the movie, and once again, he’s excellent. By contrast, Zachary Quinto already feels like he’s perfectly assumed the mantle of Spock from Leonard Nimoy, and the Spock we see in INTO DARKNESS is perfectly in line with the way Nimoy played him on the original series. In some ways, INTO DARKNESS is even more Quinto’s movie than it is Pine’s and while I liked Quinto in the first film, I was absolutely floored by him here, especially in the no-holds-barred, audience pleasing finale, which I won’t spoil here. His relationship with Zoe Saldana’s Uhura is also further explored, and it’s interesting how the new franchise has really made the character prominent, thanks in no small part to Saldana’s spunk (and obvious sex appeal).
FROM CAN TO CAN’T
If I have any problems with STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS it’s that maybe there’s too much action. Abrams is so relentless with the huge action beats that they become a little exhausting at a point, and you can’t help but wish here and there that the film would slow down just a tad.
SOUND CITY SOUNDTRACK
On the whole though, STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS is a pretty damn thrilling entry into the Summer blockbuster movie season, and if you liked the last one, I’m pretty confident that you’ll enjoy this one too. Once again, I’m anxious to see more of the crew of the U.S.S Enterprise.
COREY TAYLOR / DAVE GROHL
GOD IS DEAD
BLACK SABBATH 13
PAGE 15
10
By Chris Bumbray
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
Movie Review
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
ALBUM REVIEW
ESCAPE
THE
FAT E
UNGRATEFUL
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Since my first concert, The Smashing Pumpkins way back in ‘95, I have seen countless bands perform live. From small basement shows to huge arena concerts to festivals, you name a band and chances are I have probably seen them live. Of course some bands are more memorable than others, but I do remember seeing Escape the Fate on a small side stage at Warped Tour a few years ago. They were playing to a crowd of probably about fifty people. My brother and I were walking by the stage at the beginning of their set. I said, “Dude, these 15 year old chicks can rock!” Come to find out they weren’t chicks… and probably weren’t fifteen either. When we got back home that night, I downloaded a few songs from their debut EP There’s No Sympathy for the Dead. I was very impressed with their sound. The guitars shredded, the drums were intense and the singer had an awesome vocal range. I can’t say I was hooked, but I was definitely interested in hearing more from them. Since seeing them that hot summer day at the Warped Tour, there have been a few changes to the band’s personnel. The founding members of Escape the Fate were all in various bands in their home town of Las Vegas. In 2005, they won a local radio contest that was judged by My Chemical Romance. The prize was a chance to open a show on the band’s headlining tour, which subsequently led to them signing to Epitaph Records. A year later, the post-hardcore outfit recorded their debut EP, which included two songs that were later on their full length album Dying Is Your Latest Fashion. The band did not have much time to enjoy their new found
By: Scotty Brilliant
success. In 2007, during their Black on Black tour, rhythm guitar Omar Epinosa left the band for personal reasons. Later, frontman Ronnie Radke was involved in an altercation in Las Vegas that resulted in the fatal shooting of 18 year-old Michael Cook. Though Radke did not shoot Cook, he was still indicted on battery charges. These charges against Radke, combined with his past troubles with drugs and his failure to report to his parole officer, led to his arrest in 2008. Radke was fired from Escape the Fate shortly after and spent two years in jail. The band then turned to Blessthefall vocalist, Craig Mabbitt to step into the role as singer for the band. Escape the Fate went on to record two full length albums, two EPs, and also had a few more member changes before they solidified the line-up you hear on their new record Ungrateful. Ungrateful opens up aggressively with the album’s title track. I thought this would set a precedent for the rest of album, but unfortunately it didn’t. Other than the cool piano riff, “Until We Die,” didn’t really impress me much. The lyrics in the third track, “Live Fast, Die Beatiful,” seemed a bit too egotistical for a band that really hasn’t made their mark on the rock world yet. With Mabbitt screaming the chorus of “Threw it all away just to make a name/girl you’re getting nowhere/trying to use my fame,” these lyrics might be best suited for the likes of Vince Neil instead. “Forget About Me” and “You’re Insane” picked
things back up again with awesome riffs by lead guitarist Monte Money. The album then fell flat with two slow songs, “Chemical Love” and “Picture Perfect,” that the producer should have cut from the final product. I was “grateful” (a little album review humor) that the next song, “Risk It All” made the cut. It was extremely catchy and had rather uplifting lyrics. Now let’s make some room for my Crank It or Skip It picks: Crank It Forget About Me Risk It All Fire It Up Skip It Chemical Love Picture Perfect Desire If you first heard of Escape the Fate from their hit “Issues,” which we played on The Bone in heavy rotation, then Ungrateful isn’t a departure from their recent work. But if you’re like me, and have seen them in their beginning stages, then you will know they have lost some of that edge that Ronnie Radke brought to the table. Though I’m still not completely hooked, Ungrateful is worth checking out. Maybe one day I’ll stumble upon these guys rocking the main stage at some summer festival, but this time I’ll actually know who the hell they are.
Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
HARD COVER
Overview
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THE FINAL SOOKIE STACKHOUSE NOVEL There are secrets in the town of Bon Temps, ones that threaten those closest to Sookie—and could destroy her heart.... Sookie Stackhouse finds it easy to turn down the request of former barmaid Arlene when she wants her job back at Merlotte’s. After all, Arlene tried to have Sookie killed. But her relationship with Eric Northman is not so clearcut. He and his vampires are keeping their distance…and a cold silence. And when Sookie learns the reason why, she is devastated. Then a shocking murder rocks Bon Temps, and Sookie is arrested for the crime. But the evidence against Sookie is weak, and she makes bail. Investigating the killing, she’ll learn that what passes for truth in Bon Temps is only a convenient lie. What passes for justice is more spilled blood. And what passes for love is never enough…
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
Just Action Figures
224 Nazareth Pike Suite 8 (2nd Floor) • Bethlehem, PA 18020 • 484-292-1914
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• Action Figures Store Hours: • Collectibles Monday - Wednesday • Comics By Appointment Thurs 11-7pm • SideShow Collectibles Dealer Fri & Sat 11-6pm www.justactionfigures.com
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
Memorial Day Celebration
presented by
Saturday, May 25 - Monday, May 27 | 3-8 pm SteelStacks™ | Bethlehem, PA
A weekend-long community celebration that honors those who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect our nation’s freedom.
Our Hometown Heroes
On Saturday, May 25 SteelStacks will be transformed into a living memorial honoring over 280 hometown heroes, as a display of the appreciation and gratitude for their sacrifices and contributions.
Air Products Town Square • Performances by:
Saturday, May 25 3-4:30 pm – Steve Brosky and Lil Big Band 5-6:30 pm – Mike Dugan Sunday, May 26 3-4:30 pm – Skunk Mellow 5-6:30 pm – Tavern Tan Monday, May 27 3-5 pm – Billy Bauer
• The last piece of class “A” Armor made in the United States presented by the National Museum of Industrial History. • Children’s Arts & Crafts • Visit the Blue Star Mothers, Gold Star Mothers and Horses-4-Hope • Do you have an old American Flag to retire? Stars for our Troops will be collecting retired flags.
“A Time to Remember” | Monday, May 27, 6 pm A ceremony to remember the Lehigh Valley’s fallen soldiers.
artsquest.org/patriotic PAGE 21
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
THIS WEEKEND THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8 TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN (610) 391-0772
FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111
BECKY’S DRIVE IN Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE http://www.beckysdi.com/
MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON 610-377-8626 http://mvcinema.com/
CARMIKE 16 1700 CATASAUQUA RD ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/
MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204
CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX 2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635 CIVIC’S THEATER 514 514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN EMMAUS THEATER 19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878 THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St 610-863-3094
TOP 10 BOX OFFICE MOVIES
6. 42 7. Oblivion 8. Mud 9. Peeples 10. The Big Wedding
THE ROXY 2004 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 610-262-7699 http://roxytheaternorthampton.com/ SHANKWEILER’S DRIVE-IN 4540 SHANKWEILER RD (OFF Rt 309) OREFIELD 610-683-8775 http://www.shankweilers.com/
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6. Struck By Lightning 7. The Abc’s of Death 8. Lego Batman-The Movie 9. Perception - Season 1 10. True Blood - Season 5
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1. Star Trek Into the Darkness 2. Iron Man 3 3. The Great Gatsby 4. Pain & Gain 5. The Croods
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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think they will need six billion dollars to get four colonists to Mars and to support them. Some skeptics exist. Wired magazine, more often a mouthpiece for technological hyperbole than a voice of caution, gave the project a plausibility score of 2 out of 10. Chris Welch, Masters Program director at the International Space University cautions that “even ignoring the potential mismatch between the project income and its costs and questions about its longerterm viability, the Mars One proposal does not demonstrate a sufficiently deep understanding of the problems to give real confidence that the project would be able to meet its very ambitious schedule.” But let us ignore the doubters for a moment. What should these colonists expect? Certainly it would be a change of scenery. The low-pressure atmosphere, the cold, and the noxious gases would force them to wear a Mars Suit while working outside the habitat. Probably it would also be lonely. Although likely billions of people would be following them on television, the early colonists will face harsh restrictions to their interpersonal
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
Perhaps by 2033, some current Lehigh Valley resident will be living on another planet. At least such is the hope of Dutch entrepreneur Bas Lansdorp, who wants to establish a human colony on Mars. Of the effort, he says, “This will be one of the biggest events in human history. We are talking about creating a major media spectacle, much bigger than the moon landings or the Olympics.” Mars One, the red-planet colonization project and Lansdorp brainchild, is currently looking for volunteers. At present, more than 78,000 people have expressed interest in a one-way, 60,000-plus-mile journey to Mars. The Mars One website does not allow users to browse the volunteers by geographic location, so I could not figure out who among our neighbors has volunteered already, but I expect there are a few. The project draws funds from a variety of sponsors, many of them Dutch, from donations, and from applications (~$40 a pop), but also plans to harness the strange power of but also plans to harness the strange power of global reality television during the selection process to meet its financing goals. They
connections: they will be living on a planet inhabited by less than twodozen people. Science-fiction novelist Philip K Dick, in his tremendous book ‘The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldrich,’ provides a bleak picture of life for a Martian colonist. Colonists live in hovels and shirk their agricultural duties to huddle around using an illegal hallucinogen that allows them to escape to an alternate reality that resembles Earth. Ray Bradbury, in ‘The Martian Chronicles,’ provides a series of looks at exploration and colonization of the red planet. In one story, a Martian husband hunts humans after his wife dreams of romantic interactions with the astronauts. Lowellian theory aside, explorers are unlikely to find civilization thriving on Mars. It is likely to be a tough life, not unlike that of the Biosphere Two inhabitants or the difficult job of manning an Antarctic scientific outpost. Few will be up to the physical, mental, and social stresses of life on a different world. One benefit of going to Mars: you will become famous. It won’t help in the Bieber or Tiger or OJ or Cher sense: you won’t have gaggles of screaming girls following you around, you won’t be able to arrange orgies with porn stars and night-club hostesses, you won’t be able to get away with murder, and nobody will surgically replace your entire body. But you would perhaps, depending on the ultimate fate of humanity, have a more lasting fame than any sports hero or pop star, and maybe the promise of fame on Earth is enough to convince some people to leave it.
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
ZODIAC
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) You’re going to be inundated by details, and an outlet for all that mental frustration could make the day pass more easily. On Tuesday and Wednesday, put the other guy first -- you need to overcome your usual competitiveness (at least this once) if you want to get ahead. Starting on Thursday and on into the start of the weekend, expect some quiet time and deep thinking. You’ve got a lot on your mind, and a subliminal tide is swelling to help you sort things out. On Saturday and Sunday, seek out adventure!
LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) On Tuesday and Wednesday, you’re absolutely on fire -- metaphorically, of course. All eyes are on you, and people can’t get enough of your confidence and charm. Enjoy the attention and be open to romance. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, your thoughts could wander to material things. Now is a good time to reassess your possessions and take stock of budgets and finances. This weekend, expect to explore. You’ll cover new ground and share new ideas.
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) Your usual work or home routine gets reshuffled by the introduction of something welcome and new. Indulge yourself, but don’t overdo it. Starting on Thursday and on into the start of the weekend, expect your usual patience to be tested -- something has aroused your passions, and you may need to stop waiting and take action. On Saturday and Sunday, exercise caution taking risks. Things aren’t what they seem.
SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) You’ll be less interested in hanging out with friends on Tuesday and Wednesday, but you can put that unusual introversion to good use -- spend some time really mulling over anything that’s been bugging you, and you could find some much-needed resolution. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, you’ll be a people-magnet. Others will seem magically drawn to you, as you radiate charisma and confidence. Later this weekend, forget yourself and get caught up in the moment.
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GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) On Tuesday and Wednesday, you’ll get your silver tongue back -- and others will line up just to get in on all the fun you’re having. Don’t be afraid to start something even if you have no intention of following through. Somebody else will pick up the ball. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, use your intelligence and insight to unearth hidden information. On Saturday and Sunday, you can guarantee a good time with some good old-fashioned teamwork.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) Tuesday and Wednesday, you’ll be universally loved -not just by friends but by everyone you meet. Let your wishes be known. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, your mood might shift down a couple gears, into a more day-dreamy state. Indulge your imagination and enjoy the introversion. This weekend, you’ll switch back to good old gregariousness, and you’ll have the most fun in big, galumphing groups.
CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) Don’t think others don’t notice -- and admire -- your better qualities, and don’t be surprised to find them flocking to your side to remind you. You can still forge ahead on new projects, but try to listen to others (and maybe even include them in your plans) to soothe ruffled feelings. On Thursday and Friday, you might feel like your emotional world is being turned on its end. Don’t overreact, though -- just lay low and let this phase pass. This weekend, do something for yourself, and don’t feel like you need to apologize.
CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) Tuesday and Wednesday are perfect days for starting new projects and tackling new challenges. You might not be a masterful communicator right now, but you’ve got plenty of energy to get things done on your own. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, you’ll have an easy time handling decisions and details. Friends who admire your detached, objective take on things will gladly give you any help you need. This weekend, don’t get hung up on the particulars.
LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Now is a great time for mapping out long-term strategies and plans. On Tuesday and Wednesday, your confidence and charisma will have everyone falling all over themselves to agree with you -- and just to be with you! Let others in on the fun you’re planning. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, you’ll need to show some extra caution and look for hidden motivations. There’s no need for paranoia, but you could definitely stand to get a better sense of the situation. This weekend, turn up the volume!
AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) Tuesday and Wednesday, try something new. Experience is an excellent teacher, and you could learn a lot from some novel activity. Connect with someone you normally wouldn’t to get things started. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, you might feel yourself slowing down and getting lost in thought (especially about your career or other big-picture concerns). Give into the introversion and seek out some privacy. This weekend, you’ll find the most fun in big groups.
VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) Whip all those schedules, budgets and pesky little details into shape, and you’ll be able to accomplish (or at least get a good start on) almost anything. Follow that energy into Tuesday and Wednesday with impulsiveness and unusually (for you) spontaneous decisions. Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, expect your intellect and curiosity to get piqued -- now is a good time for heady thoughts and deep conversations. This weekend, try to go with the flow even if that means letting some of your responsibilities slip.
PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) You don’t have to have all the facts first, do you? On Monday, don’t be afraid to act even if you don’t have all the answers. You don’t want to miss this opportunity, and you can always sort out the details later. On Tuesday and Wednesday, look for problems in a partnership. You can cut down on conflicts by settling debts and past issues. Out with the old, in with the new! Starting on Thursday and on into the weekend, you’ll need to make an extra effort to stand up for yourself -- especially in any big, scary legal or business matters. This weekend, trust in your own absurdly good luck.
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 5/31 Legend Band 6/1 The Evlis Cash Show
WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000
READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON
The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik 5/25 DJ B-Rad
MACUNGIE
The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 5/25 Born Cross-Eyed 6/1 Kill the Broadcast
OREFIELD
Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 5/24 Helmsdeep 5/25 Bottleshot
CLINTON, NJ
Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 5/23 Waylon Speed 5/25 Elwood James / The Mallet Bros Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 5/24 Soul Custody / DJ Truble 5/25 David Dales/ Scriggs The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 5/24 Tina Margot 5/26 Oliver McElhome
PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO
The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night 6/5 Amateur Night
STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 5/23 Steve McDaniels & Friends 5/24 Baby Cave Band 5/25 Saturday On Trial 5/26 The Pocono Duo 5/28 Kira Krakovesky
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
Check out Kill The Broadcast at the Leather Corner Post in Orefield, PA
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
THE VALLEY BEAT INDUSTRY MONDAYS WITH
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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June 17, 2013
m o r f s e l i 8m o n i s a C s d San
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
MUSIC
Drummer Wanted We are looking for drums to complete a 4 piece rock act. We have a variety of influences . Mike: 610-984-3791 GUITAR LESSONS from touring pro, performing and teaching for over 30 years and has shared the stage with BB King, Les Paul and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462
Trumpet / Bugler Needed To perform 140 Military funerals per year. Primarily between Reading and Allentown. 609-504-9450 Keyboard Player Wanted: play “Classic Hits” from the 60’s 70’s 80’s 90’s. Call Mike: 610-216-5501
EMPLOYMENT
Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com
Call // 9am - 5pm 7 Days a Week(484) 635-2253
EMPLOYMENT
EMPLOYMENT
REAL ESTATE
AUTOMOTIVE
Driver/Warehouse, seeking dependable delivery drivers for Allentown warehouse. Must have a valid drivers license and clean driving record. Other responsibilities include stocking inventory and preparing orders for shipment. Apply in person. Jacobs Auto Supplies 1532 Sumner Avenue Allentown, PA 18102
Delivery Drivers Wanted The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers for many areas in the Lehigh Valley. Must have own car / ins. Reply to: distribution@thevalleybeat.com
Spacious apartment, just renovated Six rooms, apartment, new kitchen, New decor, all utilities paid, near transportation. $700/month 610-266-7300
2000 CHEVROLET MONTE CARLO 3.8L 6CYL, AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, 133,000 MILES ,TWO TONED LEATHER, RUNS GREAT ! MOONROOF, AC/CD POWER WINDOWS, POWER LOCKS,$5,600.00 / 267-251-4997 (Montgomery County)
Coopersburg- Rooms For Rent Weekly or Monthly. Cable Utilities and wifi included. Single & Double Occupancy. $80/week and up. Clean Private. 610-282-8010
1995 white Acura Integra, 119,000 miles, runs great, automatic, all power, sunroof, heat, and dc sports exhaust sway bars. $2,300 obo also looking for a trade bigger car / 484-6950775
2br - House for Rent! (Salisbury)One, 2-bedroom house for lease! (Rental rate is $900 per month) Private, off-street parking for tenants. Property is located in a scenic wood area, but close to lot of amenitites! Close to I-78, just off of Emmaus Ave. $900/month For more info call: 610-972-7121
2001 Chevy Blazer 130k miles, automatic - runs and drives great, 4 new tires, new CD player, great motor and trans. $1995 / 484-788-9945
Environmental Field Tech The job will entail light demolition and soil remediation. The project will be kicking off within the first week of May and looking for more Hotel Housekeeping qualified personnel moving (Comfort Inn Quakertown) now accepting applications for forward in that same area. Please the position of Room Attendant. call our offices to inquire within is. Weekends are mandatory. No (201) 414-5702. calls please. Reply with resume or employment applications are available and being accepted at RESTAURANT hotel front desk 24 hours a day.
Massage Therapist GET PAID TO WALK Are you Seeking Massage Therapists friendly? Do you enjoy talking to Experience Preferred people? Get paid to walk around Call 610-262-9580 your neighborhood and talk to voters. Get paid same day. Call Kelly @ 610-217-3751 9am-5pm, Mon-Fri.
BARTENDER/SERVER Upscale Allentown restaurant seeking an experienced bartender/server. Must be able to work full time, weekends,days ,nights, & weekends. Qualified candidates should call 610-737-2183
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
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Ed Zachary Disease A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, “Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor.” She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, “Now...you crawl real fass back to me,” and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, “you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem.” The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, “Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!”
Funny Jokes What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can’t eat it. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut! Pickle Factory Bill worked in a pickle factory. He’d been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
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His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he’d be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. “My God, Bill, what’s wrong?” she asked. Bill looked at her. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh Bill, you didn’t,” she moaned, horrified. “Yes, I did,” replied Bill. “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh, she got fired too.”
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
JOKES
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
PAGE 37
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013 Page 38
AVAILABLE WHERE YOU BUY BEER
Please Drink Responsibly AllentownBeverage.com
SUMMER ROSS
Gary White, Matt John Robinson
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 22, 2013
MODEL BEAT
Age: 25 Kutztown, PA What do you do to make $$$. Surgical Registered Nurse, Actress, Print and Promotional Model Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married. Married How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? FaceBook or Contact Donatelli Modeling or twitter #SummerRossFanPg Where was your best vacation destination? Australia, Gold Coast What do you do to relax? I love shopping, vacationing, and movies. What sports do you watch the most? Football What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Malibu Bay Breeze What happens to be your worst vice? I obsess over perfection in my careers What is your best feature? My smile What TV show do you never miss each week? Grey’s Anatomy What movie would you recommend to our readers? My favorite movie is Cruel Intentions, it is sexy and interesting. I also love the Batman movies What is at the top of your “Bucket List”? I have a good list, maybe sky diving Are you a Spender or a Saver? Spender What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? I have been featured in magazines such as Model Up, Models Mania, Steppin’ Out, Senza Respiro. I was named CoEd Miss March 2013 and in the next two months I will be seen in numerous more magazines including MMA Uncaged. I am also a card girl for various boxing and MMA events in the tri state area. What do you sleep in? Nothing What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you.“There is a party in my pants and you are invited.” Gross What do want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)! How to treat a real lady with love and respect.
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