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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
THIS WEEK
VOL.1 ISSUE 6 • OCTOBER - NOV ISSUE 137.27MAY 1 -2,7,2010 2013
8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places
10 CLUB & PUBS
We are working on it but need your help please send info
BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.
12 HOT SHOTS
Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!
TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review 16 Done ALBUM REVIEW by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant
20 SKILLET COMES TO MUSIKFEST 26 ZODIAC Article on the band and upcoming bands slated to appear at Musikfest
Your astrology for the week
36 JOKES & COMICS
12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 39
A few chuckles to get you through the week
MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY: DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
No Do-Overs: By 2009, James Washington believed he had gotten away with a 1995
--Rookie Mistakes: (1) Arthur Bundrage, 28, was arrested in Syracuse, N.Y., in October after he returned to the Alliance Bank -- which he had just robbed minutes earlier -because he discovered that the employee had given him less than the $20,000 his demand note ordered. Officers arrived to find Bundrage standing by the front doors, trying to get back in. (2) A September theft from a sofa superstore in Northampton, England, ended badly for two men, who had just loaded a pair of couches (worth the equivalent of about $650 each) into their truck and were about to drive off. However, the store manager rushed out and, noticing the truck’s unfastened back door, reached in and pulled the sofas out, leaving the men to drive away empty-handed. The sequence was captured on surveillance video, leading store owner Mark Kypta to liken it to “something out of a Benny Hill film.”
murder, but then he had a heart attack, and on his deathbed, in a fit of remorse, he confessed to a confidant. (“I have to get something off my conscience,” he told a guard in the jailhouse where he was serving time for a lesser, unrelated offense.) However, Washington miraculously recovered from the heart attack and tried to take back his confession, but prosecutors in Nashville, Tenn., were unfazed. They used it to augment the sparse evidence from 1995, and in October 2012 the now-healthier Washington was convicted of the murder and sentenced to 51 more years in prison.
DEMOCRACY IN ACTION --Getting Out the Vote: (1) Just before a primary election in June, Albuquerque, N.M., TV station KOB apparently caught, on camera, a poll worker for two county government candidates offering potential voters miniature bottles of whiskey to sip during free rides to early voting centers. (2) Los Angeles’ KCBS-TV reported in October that leaflets sponsored by the Progress and Collaboration Slate for its local candidates in Eagle Rock, Calif., also mentioned an offer of $40 worth of “medical-grade marijuana” as incentive for voting. (3) Carme Cristina Lima, 32, running for town councillor in Itacoatiara, Brazil, was arrested in October for allegedly passing out
PERSPECTIVE --Neurosurgeon Denise Crute left Colorado in 2005 after admitting to four serious mistakes (including wrong-side surgeries on patients’ brain and spine) and left Illinois several years after that, when the state medical board concluded that she made three more serious mistakes (including another wrong-side spine surgery). Nonetheless, she was not formally “disciplined” by either state in that she was permitted merely to “surrender” her licenses, which the profession does not regard as “discipline.” In November, Denver’s KMGH-TV reported that Dr. Crute had landed a job at the prestigious Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, where
cocaine packets attached to her campaign leaflets.
she treats post-surgery patients (and she informed Illinois officials recently that she is fully
--Colleen Lachowicz won her contest for a Maine state senate seat in November
licensed in New York to resume performing neurosurgery).
despite ridicule by opponents for her admitted devotion to the online game World of
PEOPLE DIFFERENT FROM US
Warcraft. “Certainly,” said an opposing-party official, “the fact that she spends so
--Among the contestants so far on this year’s The Learning Channel cable TV series “Extreme
much time on a video game says something about her work ethic and ... immaturity.”
Cheapskates”: “Roy” of Huntington, Vt., who reuses dental floss; Jeff Yeager of Accokeek,
Her WoW character is Santiaga, an “orc (Level 85) assassination rogue” with green
Md., who combs butcher shops for odd animal parts about to be discarded; and “Victoria” of Columbus, Ohio, who specializes in Dumpster-diving and infrequent toilet flushes that involve,
skin, fangs, a Mohawk and pointy ears.
according to one report, personalized urine jars. The season’s star is expected to be “Kay,”
--In several high-profile races across the country in November, voters rejected
from New York, who is shown on camera demonstrating the nonessential nature of toilet paper
candidates who had been accused of wrongdoing and corruption, but Brian Banks
by wiping herself with soap and water while seated on the throne.
survived. He was elected as a Michigan state representative from Detroit, with 68 percent of the vote, even though his rap sheet includes eight felony convictions for
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
GREAT ART! ---- “I wanted to create a self-portrait that was completely stripped of ... visual prejudice,” said Polish-born New York artist Martynka Wawrzyniak, who thus chose the medium of “smell” for
bad checks and credit card fraud. (Campaign slogan: “You Can Bank on Banks.”) Also, Michigan’s 11th Congressional District elected reindeer farmer Kerry Bentivolio, whose brother had described him as “mentally unbalanced.”
POLICE REPORT --Michael Carrier, 45, was arrested for soliciting prostitution in New Milford, Conn., in August -- not resulting from a police sting, which is usually how arrests for that crime are made. In Carrier’s case, he was disturbing other customers at a Friendly’s restaurant because, being hard of hearing, he was shouting to the prostitute the terms of their prospective business arrangement.
entifically extracted” her hair oils, armpit perspiration and tears (to protest humans’ cloaking themselves in deodorant soaps and laundry powders), and blasted visitors with whiffs of it as they entered the gallery.
READERS CHOICE (1) In October, a 2-foot-long shark fell from the sky and landed near the 12th tee at the San Juan Hills Golf Club in San Juan Capistrano, Calif. A security guard saw the incident, and an attendant placed the shark in a bucket of water (with some salt) and drove it four miles to the Pacific Ocean. (Best guess among observers: An osprey or peregrine falcon had snatched it from the ocean but eventually lost its grip.) (2) In October, a major fire mysteriously started inside Red Lion Liquors (in, coincidentally, Burnsville, Minn.). Since nothing spark-producing was found, fire officials guessed that sunlight, magnified through vodka bottles, had ignited surrounding paper signs, and the heat eventually pressured the vodka bottles’ tops to burst, exacerbating the flames. Firefighters, even, appeared amazed, with one quoted as saying, “This is so cool!”
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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106
her gallery showing in New York City (running through mid-November). For starters, she “sci-
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
WING NIGHT MONDAY : Starters Pub Wings 50¢ Wings • ½ Price Boneless
s Clubhouse WEDNESDAY : Starter s Wings ½ Price Wings & Boneles 5pm-10pm
CLAM NIGHT se
Monday : Starters Clubhou $2.00 Dozen Clams
½ Price Burgers too!
Wednesdays, 7:30pm at Starters Pub
STARTERS CLUBHOUSE GRILLE
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400 Illicks Mill Rd • Bethlehem (610) 625-0060 www.starters-clubhouse.com
&
Fri May 3 – Work Release Sat May 4 – Scott Marshall & Marshalls Highway Sunday – Open Mic Night
Kitchen open 11am til Midnight
Open 7 days a week 11am - 2am
(corner of S. 5th St & Emaus Ave)
TRIVIA NIGHT $7 Sandwiches
610-841-3610
Entertainment This Week:
1996 S. Fifth St Allentown
5pm-10pm
5pm-11pm
www.strangebrewtavern.co
Featuring a wide array of domestic, import, micro & craft Brews
5pm-11pm
TUESDAY : Starters Pub $2.00 Dozen Clams
24 Taps
Cheesesteaks
STARTERS PUB
3731 Route 378 • Bethlehem (610) 997-5454 www.starterspub.com
strangebrew610
WAT CH A L THE GAM L HER ES E
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
CONCERT BEAT
CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713 Trapt, May 2 Insane Clown Posse, May 7 Captured by Robots, May 12 The Darkness, May 12
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY TICKETS 212-307-7171 Alex Sensation, May 10 The Killers, May 14 Rod Stewart, Dec 9
CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600 Ganstagrass, Apr 26 Millionaires, Apr 28 Great White, Aug 13 Bullet Boys, Aug 15
SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ TICKETS 877-686-5366
MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA
Toby Keith & Kip Moore, Jun 22 Jimmy Buffet, Jun 25 Dave Matthews Band, Jun 28-29 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12
TICKETS 570-325-0249
IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY
Cast of Beatlemania, May 3 & 4 Trampled Under Foot, May 9 Lindsey Lou & the Flatbelly’s, May 10
TICKETS 212-777-6800
MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600
Yngwie Malmstein, Apr 30 Johnny Marr, May 2 Him Tears On Tour, May 10-11 Huey Lewis & The News 30th Anniversary, May 13
TICKETS 877-682-4791
WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA
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TICKETS 717-534-3911
One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13
TOYOTA PAVILLION Montage Mountain - Scranton, PA TICKETS (570) 961-9000
TICKETS 610-898-7200
TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA
THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 627-1332
TICKETS (215) 922-5483 Peter Murphy, May 9 Todd Rundgren, May 11 Josh Ritter & The Royal City Band, May 16 Everyother Day/ Could’ve been Kings, May 18 The Darkness, May 21 Killswitch Engage, Jun 9
1409 N. 9th St
(610) 743-3069 Barb Wire Dolls, May 22 • Aaron Carter, May 31
MUSIKFEST CAFE Bethlehem, PA
KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA
Skillet, Aug 4 Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 TICKETS 610-332-1300 Styx & Foreigner, Aug 7 The Red Elvises, May 11 Darius Rucker, Aug 9 The Fabulolus Thunderbirds, May 17 Ke$ha, Aug 10 Carly Rae Jepsen, Aug 2 Avenged Sevenfold, Aug 11
The Bacon Brothers, May 3 Chris Mann, May 4 The Temptations & Four Tops, May 10 Storm Large & Her Band, May 11
SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA
PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA
Rebelution, May 4 Volbeat, May 6 Asking Alexandra, May 8 Bullet for my Valentine w/ Halestorm, May 19
HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA
REVERB - Reading, PA
TICKETS 215-336-3600 The Rolling Stones, Jun 18 Bruno Mars, Jun 24
TICKETS 570-420-280
Alabama, May 2 Alice in Chains, May 7 Boz Scaggs, May 10 Brian Regan, May 12 Paul Anka, May 18 Motley Crue, May 20 -21 Chicago, May 22 Korn, May 23 BuckCherry, May 24 Weird Al Yankovic, Jun 4 Billy Idol, Jun 9
Willie Nelson, Jun 16 Rock of Ages, Jun 10 Menopause the Musical, Jun 21 Cheech & Chong, Jun 28 Dwight Yoakam, Jul 3 Michael McDonald, Jul 7 Los Lobos, Jul 10 Slash, Jul 16 Tony Bennett, Jul 26 Gabriel Iglesias, Aug 29 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22 Steely Dan, Sep 27 Jeff Foxworthy, Sept 28
SOVEREIGN CENTER, Reading, PA
The Hooters, Apr 27 Bassnectar, May 1-2 Insane Clown Possee, May 3 Bullet for My Valentine, May 5 Clutch, May 17 Summerland Tour, Jun 20
Sugar Heat, May 4 Kellie Pickler, Jun 1 Blues Traveler, Jun 21
TICKETS 800-745-3000
Dave Matthews Band, May 29 Steamtown Beer Festival, Jun 15 Kid Rock, Jul 6 Rock Star Energy Drink Mayhem Fest, Jul 13 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 16
Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Jun 18
MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono
SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA
Hollywood Undead, May 22 Dropkick Murphy’s, Jun 11 Aaron Lewis, Jun 12 Electric Hot Tuna, Jun 25 Kansas, Aug 11
TICKETS 215-572-7650
TICKETS 570-325-0371
Eddie Money, May 10 Dark Star Orchestra, May 17 Lee Brice, May 30 Skid Row, May 31
Check Out The Bacon Brothers this Saturday at the Keswick Theater
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
PAGE 9
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN
Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524 Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd, 610-769-4600 5/3 April Mae 5/4 Don Hoffman Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Tuesday Nights: Karaoke w/DJ Troy 5/5 Cinco De Mayo Celebration Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music
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BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 5/11 Blessing of the Bikes: noon - 4pm
BETHLEHEM Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Baseball Thurday: DJ@10pm Sat: BOGO Burgers Sunday: Football
Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 4/24 Serene Greene 4/25 Dear Anna 4/26 Back to the Action 4/27 Kill the Broadcast 4/28 DJ Todd 4/29 Open Jam Nite 4/30 Born Crosseyed
Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Strange Brew Monday: Jukebox Tavern Thursday: Karaoke 1996 S. Fifth St Fri & Sat: Dance club/ 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night Karaoke Sunday: Karaoke Sunday: Open mic 5/3 Work Release 5/4 Scott Marshall Bethlehem Brew Works Roosevelt’s 21st 569 Main St 1328 W. Tilghman St 610-882-1300 (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price Vision Bar @ Sands apps Live Music 4-7 Event Center 5/11 The Aardvarks 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 Jetport Lounge 5/3 Total Whiteout 3400 Airport Rd. 5/4 DJ Madera Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am Tally Ho 205 W. Fourth St DJ Jimmy K 610-865-2591 Fridays: Mike Mitman
Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 5/1 DJ Johnny B 5/2 Beat City 5/3 The Amish Outlaws 5/4 Craig Thatcher Band 5/5 Hector Rosado 5/6 Element K 5/7 Tower Suite
The Amish Outlaws 5/2 Molten Lounge Sands Casino & Resort Bethlehem, PA
Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 5/4 Cuarto De Mayo
Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 5/1 Irish Seisiun 5/2 LVPA Vocalist Cafe 5/3 First Friday 5/4 Doc Marshall 5/5 Open Mike 5/7 May Old Time Jam
Happy Hour Every Fri 6pm - 9pm / Bands Roosevelts 21st Allentown, PA
CATASAQUA
Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550
COOPERSBURG
Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010 5/3-5 Cinco De Mayo
Tres De Mayo 5/3 Drinky’s Easton, PA
BARTONSVILLE
The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 5/2 Kyle Baker 5/4 T.B.A
EASTON
Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 Wed: Pong Night $100 Fri: DJ Zee 5/3 Tres De Mayo Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 T.B.A
Work Release 5/3 Strange Brew Allentown, PA
MORE ON PAGE 26
Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke 6/1 Rupall Drag Race Roxxxy Andrews
The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours
drummer for the original line-up of Asia who will be back out on tour in Europe in June. On board MSC Poesia, Palmer, too, was poetry in motion. He dutifully assembled his drum kit at the pool stage but also wondered and worried aloud about the high winds possibly scuttling the outdoor performance. The twin gongs on either side of his kit, swayed like pendulums in the wind so he took them down until just before show time. Luckily, the winds died down and the “gong show” went off without a hitch.
Carl Palmer Band performing aboard MSC Poesia on the “Cruise to the Edge”
Power Percussion Aboard Poesia 3rd installment in a series of articles about my experiences aboard the MSC Poesia for the “Cruise to the Edge”
In Italian, “poesia” means poetry and on the “Cruise to the Edge” during the last week of March, it was literally poetry in motion as the large Italian cruise liner, MSC Poesia, rocked and rolled over rough seas from Florida to the Cayman Islands to Jamaica and back to Florida with a line-up of some heavy hitters of the progressive rock genre. Headliner band, Yes, was joined by supporting acts, Steve Hackett of Genesis fame, UK, Nektar and Carl Palmer Band, featuring the legendary drummer of Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Carl Palmer Band embarked on a world tour in February that is dedicated to the legacy of ELP and its popular rock instrumental interpretations of famous classical pieces by composers like Mussorgsky, Sibelius, Copland, Orff, Bach and Tchaikovsky. In essence, Carl Palmer’s ELP Legacy reinterprets the interpretations of ELP but with guitar, bass and drums. Keith Emerson’s keyboards, or any facsimile thereof, have been left out of the equation.
On the cruise, he performed Claude Debussy’s “Claire de Lune” as his guitar solo. This particular piece is near and dear to my heart. It’s one of the melodies that my father used to play on the piano when I was a kid. It brought back wonderful memories of the man who instilled a love of classical music in me. Bassist Simon Fitzpatrick possesses many of the same attributes as Bielatowicz. He impressed the audiences on the cruise with a bass solo that featured Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” You have to hear it to believe it. Carl Palmer, at age 63, shows no signs of slowing down. He keeps a full schedule touring with his band but he is also the
On the cruise, the band started their show with Henry Mancini’s “Peter Gunn Theme” and followed up with “Karn Evil 9 – 1st Impression, Pt II.” ELP classical interpretations included Modest Mussorgsky’s “Pictures at an Exhibition”, Aaron Copland’s “Hoedown”, “O Fortuna” from Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana, Jean Sibelius’ “Karelia Suite” and Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.” They finished with another Copland classic, “Fanfare for the Common Man” and encored with “Nutrocker”, inspired by Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker.” These are all recognizable pieces as many have found their way into movies and television and it’s an amazing show to hear live. It’s rock and roll with a classical twist and that’s what progressive rock is all about. With the Carl Palmer Band, you get the best of both worlds. “Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we’re so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! Come inside, the show’s about to start! Guaranteed to blow your head apart! Come and see the show! Come and see the show! Come and see the show!” Tonight, Carl Palmer’s ELP Legacy Tour makes a stop at the Sellersville Theater in Sellersville, PA. Show time is 8:00. If you want to experience this incredible band in all its glory, Sellersville is the place to see them. It provides an intimate setting with state of the art sound and acoustics. If you miss them tonight, you can catch them Friday night at Penn’s Peak in Jim Thorpe at 8:00.
Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in weeknights for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits from the 60s through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com
PAGE 11
Carl Palmer Band has Palmer handling drums and percussion with Paul Bielatowicz on electric guitar and Simon Fitzpatrick on bass.
Bielatowicz’s youthful appearance belies his 34 years but don’t let that fool you. This gifted musician is classically trained but has also studied from the schools of Knopfler, Hendrix and Van Halen. Palmer’s recruitment of Bielatowicz as lead guitarist for this trio was a stroke of genius. He can play all of the complex notes, chords and melodies that would normally be performed on keys as he has perfected a two-part tapping style that is not unlike that of a classical pianist.
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
by: Mitch
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
HOTSHOTS!
If you are a bar or club that would like to featured in Hot Shots send us an email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
HAZE LAUNCH PARTY KICKED OFF AT THE HABIBI HOOKAH
Page 12
LOUNGE LOCATED IN EMMAUS
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
T T H H G G I I L L S S R CCOOOOR ! ! S S L L R GGIIR WED WED 5/1: 5/1: Roosevelts Roosevelts21 21ststBethlehem Bethlehem
FEATURES FEATURES
11-1am 11-1amBike BikeWash Wash
$1.99 $1.99Coors CoorsLight LightDrafts Drafts
The TheValley ValleyCoors CoorsGirls Girls
PAGE 13
Follow Followusus@LVCoorsGirls @LVCoorsGirls
••Hops Hopsat atthe thePaddock Paddock- -$2.00 $2.00Pints PintsFriday Friday ••Macgradys Macgradys- -$7.00 $7.00Pitchers PitchersAll AllDay DayEvery EveryDay Day ••Stooges Stooges- -$1.75 $1.75Pints PintsSaturday Saturday st st bethlehem ••Roosevelts bethlehem- -$1.99 $1.99Drafts Drafts Roosevelts21 21 All AllDay DayEvery EveryDay Day ••Drinky’s Drinky’s- -$1.99 $1.99All AllDay DayEvery EveryDay Day ••The TheGin GinMill Mill&&Grille Grille- -$6.00 $6.00Pitchers Pitchers Saturday Saturday ••1760 1760Pub Pub&&Grille Grille- -$3.00 $3.0020oz. 20oz.Drafts Drafts ••Krocks KrocksPub Pub- -$2.00 $2.00Drafts DraftsAll AllDay DayEvery EveryDay Day ••PJ PJWelihans Welihansbethlehem bethlehem- -$2.50 $2.50Drafts Drafts&& Bottles BottlesSaturday Saturday ••keystone keystonepub pubwhitehall whitehall- -$2.50 $2.50Drafts Drafts All AllDay DayEvery EveryDay Day ••Sotto SottoSanti Santi- -$32.50 $32.50Drafts DraftsAll AllDay DayEvery EveryDay Day
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
By Jimmy O
SOUNDGARDEN
KING ANIMAL
THE HIGH ROAD 3 DAYS GRACE
TRANSIT OF VENUS
VILIFY
DEVICE
DEVICE
FREAK LIKE ME
PLOT: Tony Stark has faced challenges before and the effects of his previous adventure have been getting to him on a personal level. To make matters worse, he and his colleagues are soon tested by a villainous and extremely deadly terrorist by the name of Mandarin. REVIEW: IRON MAN 3 begins with Tony Stark revealing a part of his past through narration. Soon, we are witness to an explosion that is bursting from behind his many Iron Man suits so prominently displayed in his in-house workshop. Something pretty devastating is clearly happening. Yet quickly, the unlikeliest of heroes changes his mind and takes the viewer back to 1999. It is then he meets the painfully awkward and spectacled Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce, who is nearly unrecognizable). He asks Stark, and his date for the evening Maya Hansen (Rebecca Hall), if they would consider being part of a think-tank of sorts for his invention to better mankind. Promising to meet Killian, Stark forgets about the strange fellow leaving this miserable soul stranded. This decision will most certainly come back to haunt him.
HALESTORM
THE STRANGE CASE OF…
FROM CAN TO CAN’T
COREY TAYLOR / DAVE GROHL
SOUND CITY SOUNDTRACK
I’LL FOLLOW YOU
SHINEDOWN AMARYLIS
THE HANGMAN’S BODY COUNT VOLBEAT OUTLAW GENTLEMEN & SHADY LADIES
DO ME A FAVOR
STONE SOUR
HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1
WHERE DID THE ANGELS GO? PAPA ROACH
THE CONNECTION
STONE
ALICE IN CHAINS
THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE
Since IRON MAN 2, Stark has faced something very few mortal men could ever imagine. As part of THE AVENGERS he faced the deadly threat of an alien army and nearly fell to his death - quite literally from outer space. In the latest film from Marvel, this monumentally heroic undertaking has taken a toll on him physically and mentally. This includes a series of panic attacks and wicked nightmares. It has become so difficult that even the love of his life, Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), is feeling the strain. To make matters all the more complicated, there is a deadly string of bombings going on with a dastardly devil named Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) taking credit for it. When Stark’s security go-to-guy Happy (Jon Favreau) is injured during one of the attacks, the Iron Man takes it upon himself to call out this menacing terrorist. The stakes are also much higher for the people in Stark’s life that he holds dear. Clearly Happy finds himself in danger, yet it is Pepper Potts who faces serious danger creating a desperation that audiences can root for. I’ve always appreciated the chemistry between Downey and Paltrow and it is in full effect here. It’s sparked with humor and charm and it makes their relationship much more interesting. She is thrust into his world more so this time around which raises the stakes and also the unpredictability of the entire film. Thankfully both of these talented actors give their all and never feel as though they are simply cashing a paycheck. And am I the only one who finds Paltrow as Potts painfully adorable? IRON MAN 3 delivers on nearly all counts. My only complaint is that it runs a little long and feels like it could have been tightened up, especially as it steers closer to its impressive climax. And if you plan on seeing it in 3D, there is nothing really special about the conversion (unnecessary), although it may be worth it simply to see it in IMAX. In the end, the humor and thrills and everything else that made the original so refreshing and unique is here and then some! The score by Bryan Tyler is befitting as well and is especially nice to hear as the credits roll as opposed to some modern rock or rap song. In every way, this latest chapter is one of the best Marvel features to date. Tony Stark’s latest adventure is an enthusiastically exciting ride that never loses its humor or its edge.
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BY CROOKED STEPS
Movie Review
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
GINA CRASH’S TOP 10
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
ALBUM REVIEW
ROB ZOMBIE: Venomous Rat Generation Vendor
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With the ever-growing clutter of bands in today’s metal scene, it must be tough for an old schooler like Rob Zombie to keep his metal-head above water in this new school talent pool… right? Umm… not so much. What a lot of today’s metal bands have in common is that they are cut from the same mold. With their clichéd breakdowns and overused double-bass drum hits, it’s sometimes difficult to differentiate one metal band from the next. Now I could rant more about this, but I’ll save that for a different review. Instead, let me reintroduce Mr. Robert Bartleh Cummings, aka Rob Zombie. Zombie has a musical style that has never been duplicated and, in my opinion, never will be. His music has been described as “melding metal with industrial, hypnotic rhythms and haunting sounds” and having a “complicated beat, distinctive vocals and a killer story line.” I like to call it “Sex Rock.” If you can imagine the wildest girl that you dated, the one with the skull tattoos and facial piercings, I can bet my sweet ass that she was a Rob Zombie fan. I’ll even give you a few minutes to remember the good times. Zombie’s new album Venomous Rat Generation Vendor, the follow-up to 2010’s Hellbilly Deluxe 2, stays true to the formula that he created more than two decades ago with his now defunct band, White Zombie. The album kicks off with one of my favorite song titles of all
By: Scotty Brilliant time, “Teenage Nosferatu Pussy.” With its chug-a-chug guitar riff and chorus that screams “Teenage Nosferatu Pussy, Turn It On, Turn It On,” you can’t help but bang your head. In true Rob Zombie fashion, the song begins with a sound clip from some horror film (I’m guessing) and ends with the traditional moans and sex sounds that Zombie fans are more than familiar with. The next track is the album’s first radio single (currently being played on The Bone) “Dead City Radio And The New Gods Of Supertown,” which again starts with a movie dialogue overdub, and transitions into an electric blues type sound with Zombie taking more of a spoken word approach with each verse. Overall, a solid pick for the album’s first single release. “Rock And Roll (In A Black Hole)” is a new wave type song reminiscent of Pet Shop Boys, with Zombie reeling it back in with an aggressive chorus. If it wasn’t for the heavy chorus, this song would be more suitable for the speakers of some trendy mall clothing store. There is no need to worry though, because the next track “Behold, The Pretty Filthy Creatures!” picks things back up again. Another highlight is Zombie’s cover of Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re An American Band.” The album caps off with a short, but sweet song entitled “Trade In Your Guns For A Coffin,” where Zombie suggests that you “stay asleep, watch TV, be happy,” which is something I am very content with doing. For being more of a casual fan of Rob Zombie, I was definitely impressed with his latest effort. Here are my “Crank It” and “Skip It” picks: CRANK IT: Teenage Nosferatu Pussy: It’s pretty obvious you need to crank a song with a title like this. Crank it way up! Behold, The Pretty Filthy Creatures: An overall badass song and my favorite from this album.
We’re An American Band: A Rob Zombie cover of a Grand Funk Railroad song… need I say more? SKIP IT: Theme for a Rat Vender: It’s just a one minute sitar interlude. You’re better off saving your ears for the next track. Rock and Roll (In a Black Hole): A little too “dancey” for me. In a recent interview with Loudwire. com, Zombie classified himself as a metal musician and stated “It felt like
hard rock and heavy metal had really been struggling you know, like top of the charts – it felt like they were being kicked to the curb for a long time. It was almost like you were doing something but you feel like nobody cares anymore so now you’re just chuggin’ along doing what you do and it’s like the world had forgotten. However it’s felt like in the last few years that’s kind of changed and you feel it coming back.” Rob Zombie’s music cannot be classified. With all the generic metal bands on the scene today, Zombie has a unique, refreshing sound that never tires. You, Mr. Zombie, are doing quite well for yourself. Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
OPETH ROCKS! BY: Tyler Drake
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Long-hairs wander around Stroudsburg before the show. Black shirts rep bands like Kreator, Iron Maiden, and Between the Buried and Me, and also blacker stuff like Bathory, Burzum, and Emporer — church-burning bands that play unconventional songs fast and heavy, with distorted guitar and blast-beat drumming. These pockets of metalheads, wearing black band shirts, patched battle jackets, light-wash denim or camo pants, and beat-up boots, make one think that spring itself has puckered around them to allow spots of darkness in a season of renewal.
THE SKINDUSTRY TATTOO EXHIBIT AT THE HOLIDAY INN IN FOGELSVILLE, PA
religions displacement of earlier Scandinavian culture and heritage. The most boneheaded crime in this vein was committed by Memphis heavy-metal nitwit Brandon “Satanhammer” Taylor, who tried to burn down Church’s, which is not a place of Christian worship but a fried chicken restaurant. In any event, the whole black-metal church-burning story is more complicated and interesting than a bunch of juvenile Satanists with matches and angst.
Ticket pickup is easy and there is almost no line, and the Sherman sells big cups of decent beer Opeth, who will play the Sherman Theater tonight, for five or six bucks. Katatonia, the opener, is a draws its fan base in part from this crowd. There couple of songs into their set. Like Opeth, they will also be others: bearded hipsters with thick- hail from Stockholm, Sweden, and they have rimmed glasses, band-camp nerds, prog wonks, supported Opeth on tour before. The BBC writes tweedy young professors, assorted Swedes, at that there latest album is “massively reminiscent least two vets of Black Sabbath’s early tours, and of Tool” and one of my companions also draws even a few track suits. The music Opeth will play this comparison. They set up moments of quiet comes from an even more diverse background. and of melodic vocals with gloomy guitar and Call it death metal or black metal if you would chaos — the BBC writer said that their album contained “moments of like, but the complex Mikael Åkerfeldt, lead vocalist, guitarist, grandiose, majestic beauty strong structures and technically frontman, and songwriter for Opeth is quite breaking up the murkiness.” demanding parts and probably a musical genius. He joined Opeth They are fun to watch, experimentation are at sixteen, and it quickly became his band. and much of the crowd pure progressive metal, and the band further seems familiar with their work. After an incorporates elements of Scandinavian folk hour or so, Opeth takes over the stage. music, blues, jazz, and classical music, with songs often shifting quickly between tempos Mikael Åkerfeldt, lead vocalist, guitarist, frontman, and styles. A quiet passage, played by Opeth, is and songwriter for Opeth is quite probably a smooth, dark water over something dangerous. musical genius. He joined Opeth at sixteen, and it quickly became his band. On stage, he speaks The Sherman Theater is down Main Street at the with a hesitant lilt, introducing brutal, growling end of a very cool strip of bars like Flood’s and the songs with cheerful banter. They open with ‘The Siamsa Irish Pub, and tonight a street preacher is Devil’s Orchard’ off their 2011 album Heritage, telling everyone to avoid the show. The audience which announces that “God is dead,” and move is not sympathetic. Metal fans embrace the into darker themes and heavier music. ‘Ghost of imagery of Satan, and they have no problem Perdition’ follows, a song of possession that is telling an aggressive proselytizer to go to hell. A gloomy, brooding, and punctuated by fury. They play word about church burnings: From 1992 to 1996, ballads, and an acoustic version of ‘Demon of the 50 acts of arson of Christian churches were Fall,’ which Åkerfeldt says they adapted because committed by Norwegian black-metal musicians they needed something evil that they could play and fans. Motives are cloudy, but probably not in churches. The set had a malevolent splendor, purely Satanic, instead they are a reaction to and the long-hairs left in a state of reverence.
PHOTOS BY: SHOWGUN PHOTOGRAPHY
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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When Musikfest returns for its 30th year this Aug. 2-11, the festival will feature one of its most explosive lineups ever, with artists ranging from hard-rocking acts Skillet and Avenged Sevenfold to performers such as Ke$ha and guitar legends Peter Frampton & B.B. King. The 2013 festival will include more than 500 performances on 14 stages, with 300-plus artists stopping by the Lehigh Valley to entertain the event’s nearly one million guests.
numerous hits including “Monster,” “Awake and Alive,”“It’s Not Me It’s You” and “Hero.” The group’s 2009 recording, Awake, was a major hit, reaching No. 2 on the Billboard 200 while topping the Modern Rock/Alternative album charts.
While Skillet’s music has made it a chart topper, the band has made a name for itself through its near-endless touring schedule. In 2011 the group made the Top 5 of Songkick.com’s Hardest Working Bands list thanks, in part, to its time on On Aug. 4, Musikfest’s Sands Steel Stage will the road. In addition to headlining its own tours, welcome Skillet, along with Thousand Foot the group has performed with mainstream Krutch. Since forming in 1996, Skillet has scored megastars such as Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Seether and Flyleaf.
Photo credit: Matt Smith
On Aug. 11, Musikfest will come to a thunderous close when Avenged Sevenfold takes to the Sands Steel Stage for one of only a handful of concerts this summer. Since coming together in Huntington Beach, Calif., in 1999, Avenged Sevenfold has sold more than eight million albums around the globe, topping the charts with its 2010 release Nightmare while producing hits such as “Bat Country,” “Beast and the Harlot,” “Nightmare” and “Almost Easy.” The Best New Artist at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards, the group has headlined and performed at some of rock’s biggest events including festivals such as Ozzfest,
Photo credit: Dave Happel
AVENGED SEVENFOLD, SKILLET & 300 OTHER ACTS PERFORMING AT MUSIKFEST THIS AUGUST
The Vans Warped Tour and Uproar Festival. In addition to Skillet and Avenged Sevenfold, other headlining acts at Musikfest’s Sands Steel Stage include Carly Rae Jepsen Aug. 2, OneRepublic with Mayer Hawthorne Aug. 3, Frampton’s Guitar Circus with Peter Frampton and B.B. King Aug. 5, Styx & Foreigner Aug. 7, Darius Rucker Aug. 9 and Ke$ha Aug. 10. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at www. musikfest.org and 610-332-3378. Fans of Musikfest know that they can find a diverse mix of music at the festival and this year is certainly no exception. Among the many artists who will perform during the event are Zydeco legend Buckwheat Zydeco, North Carolina rockers Southern Culture on the Skids, bluegrass and hip-hop fusion sensation Gangstagrass, singer-songwriter Holly Williams, funk and R&B ensemble Here Come the Mummies and Siberian surf-rockers Igor & the Red Elvises. Other artists taking the stage during the event’s 10-day run include Sinclarity, La Capitana, Crobot, Quiet Company, Cheers Elephant and Great White Caps, as well as tributes such as the Idol Kings presenting the music of John Mellencamp & Journey Aug. 7 and Genesis tribute Trespass Aug. 8. For complete info on this year’s festival, visit www.musikfest.org.
IN A BOX MUSIKFEST 2013 SANDS STEEL STAGE Tickets: www.musikfest.org 610-332-3378 Photo credit: Diane Richter
AUG. 2 Carly Rae Jepsen AUG. 3 OneRepublic with Mayer Hawthorne and Churchill AUG. 4 Skillet, along with Thousand Foot Krutch
AUG. 8 TBA AUG 9 Darius Rucker AUG. 10 Ke$ha AUG. 11 Avenged Sevenfold
Photo credit: Matt Smith
Photo credit: Diane Richter
Photo credit: Dave Happel
Photo credit: Katie Marie Photography
AUG. 5 Frampton’s Guitar Circus with Peter Frampton, B.B. King and Sonny Landreth
AUG. 6 TBA AUG. 7 Styx & Foreigner
Photo credit: Ted Colegrove
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ZODIAC
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) You’re in luck as the week begins if the stars have their way. Don’t delay! They’re sending you tons of opportunities to apply that go-getter attitude and spirit of excitement -- from work to creative endeavors to more passionate affairs. But accidents and mistakes are much more likely than usual around Wednesday and Thursday; avoid them by reducing your speed. From Friday through the weekend, your sense of independence is strong, but combining your strengths with those of others makes it even more powerful.
LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) Get off the fence as the week begins! You’ll have the most luck now if you take an active role, being decisive and even letting others know how things are going to be. (Don’t worry, you’ve got the charm to carry it off!) Around Wednesday and Thursday, you’re particularly perceptive. What are you seeing that others aren’t, and how and when will you share your insightful point of view? People are drawn to you like crazy from Friday through the weekend -- you’ve just got that certain something. The question is, who’s compelling to you?
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) It’s not about luck, but rather how you approach your world as the week begins. Will it be excitement? Discord? Fun? Or irritating? Or both? The tenor of your life is within your control! Around Wednesday & Thursday, the stars give you a boost - you ought to be especially effective at work, and a certain relationship can be more promising than ever. Your lazy side likely wants to come out to lounge from Friday through the weekend. Downtime’s great, so don’t feel guilty! And if you need a kick-start, a little exercise works perfectly.
SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) It’s all about power as the week begins -- or is it? Being forceful and determined only gets you so far. Know when to relent, when to compromise and when enough’s enough. You’ve got a sensible approach to a problem or life in general around Wednesday and Thursday, and arrangements you make are likely to go well. A friend plays a key role now, too. And while being decisive seems like a positive thing, don’t be afraid to stay on the fence from Friday through the weekend. Appreciate complexities and take your time.
GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) Those around you are likely to hear what’s on your mind as the week begins. And considering the feedback you’re giving, the ideas you’re having and the way you’re listening, they’re very lucky! Around Wednesday and Thursday, work may weigh on you more than usual. It’s important to dispel tension and clear out old headspace, so don’t neglect exercise and healthy habits. Then it’s your heart that’s highlighted from Friday through the weekend. If you’re clicking with someone on more than a surface level, things get hotter and hotter!
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) Watch for good luck as the week begins! It’s an advantageous time to make plans & even take a chance. Your ‘why not?’ outlook can have a nice ripple effect on those around you now. However, on Wednesday and Thursday, you may want friends and family to back off a bit. Anyone who’s telling you what to do is liable to rub you the wrong way. But do be considerate about asking for space. You’re on the receiving end of attention you actually want from Friday through the weekend, when everybody loves you & a certain someone just might have an important question.
CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) You’ve got a flair for the dramatic as the week begins, but just be sure you’re using this special power with care. Are you making your case persuasively and passionately? Perfect. Showing off? Not so much. You’re in a more moderate mood around Wednesday and Thursday; these are good days to get your affairs in order and affirm connections. Then if you feel conflicted about something on Friday or the weekend, don’t despair. Take an active role in finding out more; the right info or insight makes how you feel very clear.
CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) It may not feel like your lucky day as the week begins, but with care you can keep moving forward. Dig a little to get the real story -- there’s no such thing as too much information now. Keep the future in mind, as well as immediate effects, too. If you’re looking to really get stuff done, Wednesday and Thursday are super in terms of your potential, both professionally and personally. That diligence of yours makes you a star. And from Friday through the weekend, art and culture are favored (and might make for a great date!).
LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Is there such a thing as being too great? As the week begins, you’re testing the boundaries, and those around you ought to be feeling darn lucky. Just beware of straying into showing-off territory -- there’s no need. Those who are used to you saying ‘yes!’ may be surprised around Wednesday and Thursday, when you’ve got a decidedly more analytical, inquisitive stance. Ask important questions and go slowly. Friends and fun are favored from Friday through the weekend. Make plans with the people who make you happy!
AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) Others think you’ve got all the luck, but what you’ve got is moxie, especially as this week begins. Your fearlessness and positivity mean you’re going where you’ve never gone before -- and looking great doing it if the stars have their say. Around Wednesday and Thursday, take a close look at where you are. What are the intersections in a certain relationship, and where are you at odds? A common goal is probably key. And don’t be shy from Friday through the weekend. People respond to your warmth and curiosity.
VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) Being rigid won’t work as the week begins, so be ready to bend instead of breaking. Your willingness to explore options lets you get what’s most important to you -- and it’s healthy to let some things go. These sorts of issues evaporate around Wednesday & Thursday, when the stars help you make beautiful sense of your world. You can feel orderly and accomplished now while also leaving room for some lovely chance. When the weekend comes, you’re ready to do something different. Be creative.
PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) You’ve got a tendency toward escapism as the week begins, but don’t let it carry you away. Block out some time for a movie or book or just letting your mind wander, & get exercise to focus when you need to. Instead of drifting along, choose your course of action around Wednesday & Thursday. Don’t be afraid of a misstep; you’ll learn something. From Friday through the weekend, borrowing, lending or other indebtedness can lead to a sticky situation. Watch out for unwanted obligation.
CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN
Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em
PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd
CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)
QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 5/17 Neon Fusion
WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am
READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200 Brass Lantern 1350 N 12th St 610-372-9311
KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke
WESCOSVILLE
Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx
NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Billiards Thursday: DJ B-Rad Fridays: DJ Statik 5/4 Social Call Cinco Celebration 5/9 Hollywood Knockouts Hot Oil & Cream Wrestling
MACUNGIE The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 5/4 Punkabilly’s 5/11 The Rotten Apples 5/18 Sticky Frog
OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 5/3 DJ Chris Barakat 5/4 Reaction
CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn
DOYLESTOWN
Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 5/2 Tyler Carson w/ Mia Dyson 5/5 Puck-O De Mayo 5/10 Meghan Cary With Peter Farrell On The Patio 5/11 Daniella Cotton Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373
PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke
GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night 5/1 Amateur Night
STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 5/2 Steve McDaniels & Friends 5/3 The Happy Dog 5/4 Brooke Shive & the 45’s 5/5 The Pocono Duo 5/7 Zac Lawless & SideShow
For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com
Check out the Punkabilly’s Saturday at the Long Swamp Tavern in Macungie
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
MUSIC
Vocalist wanted for metal/ death metal band, solid vocals, if possible vocal training. Call: 908-619-5648.
GUITAR LESSONS from touring pro, performing and teaching for over 30 years and has shared the stage with BB King, Les Paul and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462
Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com
EMPLOYMENT
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REAL ESTATE
Driver/Warehouse, seeking dependable delivery drivers for Allentown warehouse. Must have a valid drivers license and clean driving record. Other responsibilities include stocking inventory and preparing orders for shipment. Apply in person. Jacobs Auto Supplies 1532 Sumner Avenue Allentown, PA 18102
Delivery Drivers Wanted The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers for many areas in the Lehigh Valley. Must have own car / ins. Reply to: distribution@thevalleybeat.com
Spacious apartment, just renovated Six rooms, apartment, new kitchen, New decor, all utilities paid, near transportation. $700/month 610-266-7300
GUITAR SHOW (NEW HOPE), Saturday May 4, New Hope Winery Guitar Show 9-5. 215-794-2331
Hotel Housekeeping (Comfort Inn Quakertown) now accepting applications for the position of Room Attendant. is. Keyboard Player Wanted: play Weekends are mandatory. No “Classic Hits” from the 60’s 70’s calls please. Reply with resume 80’s 90’s. Call Mike: 610-216-5501 or employment applications are available and being accepted at hotel front desk 24 hours a day. EMPLOYMENT GET PAID TO WALK Are you friendly? Do you enjoy talking to people? Get paid to walk around your neighborhood and talk to voters. Get paid same day. Call Kelly @ 610-217-3751 9am-5pm, Mon-Fri.
Call // 9am - 5pm 7 Days a Week(484) 635-2253
Work with your brain not your back! $750/week. (Allentown and lehigh valley) Quit turning wrenches or working in a factory! call 717-718-4161
Environmental Field Tech The job will entail light demolition and soil remediation. The project will be kicking off within the first week of May and looking for more qualified personnel moving forward in that same area. Please call our offices to inquire within (201) 414-5702.
RESTAURANT BARTENDER/SERVER Upscale Allentown restaurant seeking an experienced bartender/server. Must be able to work full time, weekends,days ,nights, & weekends. Qualified candidates should call 610-737-2183
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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2000 CHEVROLET MONTE CARLO 3.8L 6CYL, AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, 133,000 MILES ,TWO TONED LEATHER, RUNS GREAT ! MOONROOF, AC/CD POWER WINDOWS, POWER LOCKS,$5,600.00 / 267-251-4997 3br - 2nd & 3rd Floor (Montgomery County) Apartment Available Downtown Bethlehem. Tenant is 1995 white Acura Integra, 119,000 miles, runs great, responsible for all utilities automatic, all power, sunroof, Security dep. required. Apartment will be available May heat, and dc sports exhaust sway 15th, possibly earlier. $750/ bars. $2,300 obo also looking for month. Please call 610-838-1546 a trade bigger car / 484-6950775 to schedule an appointment. 2br - House for Rent! (Salisbury)One, 2-bedroom house for lease! (Rental rate is $900 per month) Private, off-street parking for tenants. Property is located in a scenic wood area, but close to lot of amenitites! Close to I-78, just off of Emmaus Ave. $900/month For more info call: 610-972-7121
2001 Chevy Blazer 130k miles, automatic - runs and drives great, 4 new tires, new CD player, great motor and trans. $1995 / 484-788-9945 2001 Infinity Q-45 108K GREAT CONDITION, NO check engine light, like new tiger paw tires, Heated And Cooled leather ASKING $4800 / 484-951-0436
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
H.C.
ALL AMERICAN BODY & MIND
EASTERN LIFESTYLES MASSAGE
Condom for a Camel Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: “What are you doing?!?” So she replies: “I don’t want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom” So her friend asks: “What’s a condom? Where did you get it?” So she says: “At the pharmacy” So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: “What size?” So she replies: “I dunno, one that will fit a camel” Blonde Ambition A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. “I’ve kidnapped you!”, said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents. The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?” Nudist Colony Fun Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” She says: “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” The Huge Man: “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: “May I help you?” Bob says: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....”Bob replies: “Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.” Visit to the Foot House A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. “My goodness”, she exclaimed, “I was expecting to see a foot.” “Well,” he said, “if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.”
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013 Page 36
JOKES
THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013 Page 38
NOW AVAILABLE WHERE YOUR BUY BEER
Please Drink Responsibly AllentownBeverage.com
DEE STACY
Photos by: Sean Sohl - Dragon InkPhotography
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THE VALLEY BEAT MAY 1, 2013
MODEL BEAT
Age: 28 Voorhees, NJ
Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com
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What do you do to make $$$. Full time swimwear/glamour/lingerie/promotional model Are you? Single/dating How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? http://www.facebook.com/deestacy OR Contact My Agent: DonatelliModels.Com. 610-971-0777 Where was your best vacation destination. Carribean, LA, Vegas, Europe What do you do to relax. On my days off relax and watch movies What sports do you watch the most? Football What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Flavored vodka and white wine What happens to be your worst vice? Worrying, always having to do something What is your best feature? Eyes, natural, breasts What TV show do you never miss each week? Not much of a TV person but liked 90s sitcoms, Family Guy, Sex and the City What movie would you recommend to our readers? Old School, Wedding Crashers What is at the top of your “Bucket List”. Live Life to the fullest with no regrets! Are you a Spender or a Saver? Both. Save until something’s worth spending on What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? Working with agencies in LA What do you sleep in. tank top shorts What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you. Any cheesy pickup line never works. What do want guys to know about sex/ relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!. Don’t play games. Say how you feel. Don’t pretend to want something then change your mind. Know what you are doing sexually or don’t try to do it women know