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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe

8 CONCERT BEAT 10 TOP SPINS & MOVIE REVIEW

THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUE 6 •ISSUE OCTOBER - NOV 133. 27 APRIL 3 -2,9,2010 2013

Concert listings from many places

Gina Crash from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review

BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

12 HOT SHOTS

Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!

13 CD REVIEW

14 CLUB & PUBS

We are working on it but need your help please send info

17 SIR ANTHONY LEGGETT 21 ZODIAC

Tyler Drake gives us a review on one old Brit who knows his physics

Your astrology for the week

24 JOKES & COMICS

12 HOT SHOTS 31 MODEL BEAT 31

A few chuckles to get you through the week

MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week

Welcome to The Valley Beat Newspaper! Lehigh Valley’s Hottest Alternative Newspaper. We are currently distributing in locations, throughout Easton, Nazareth, Bethlehem, Catasauqua, Quakertown, Allentown, Reading Wescosville, also locations in the Pocono’s, Kutztown, Doylestown, Northampton Contact Information: Fax: 484-229-0506 thevalleybeat@gmail.com • valerie@thevalleybeat.com clubinfo@thevalleybeat.com • distribution@thevalleybeat.com

Please Note: The content in this paper does not necessarly represent the views of The Valley Beat Newspaper, Inc. Local Beat Bands That Rock, The Valley Beat are registered trademarks of the The Valley Beat Newspaper, Inc. Any content may not be reproduced without permission or written consent of The Valley Beat Newspaper, Inc. Any Material submitted becomes the property of The Valley Beat Newspaper, Inc. The Valley Beat reserves the right to refuse advertising or content. The Valley Beat is not liable for any errors discovered, or any changes after an ad has been printed.

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THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013


by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

LEAST COMPETENT GUN HANDLING

Giddyup! When a strain of equine herpes led to a temporary quarantine at

Former Camden, N.J., police Sgt. Jeffrey Frett pleaded guilty in May in a scheme

horse farms in central Utah, the sponsors of the Davis County Mounted Posse

to qualify for early retirement by arranging to be shot in the leg (to be attributed to

Junior Queen contest in May had a dilemma, but instead of canceling the

random street violence). The plan deteriorated, police said, when Frett’s wife (the

competition in which the cowgirls show their skills on horseback, they decided

designated shooter) missed his leg, merely ripping a hole in his uniform pants.

to conduct the show except with the girls “riding” stick “ponies” to get style points. Former queen Savanna Steed told KSL-TV the change would be good because it would better test riders’ knowledge of the routines instead of their relying on their horses to make the moves.

-Ryan Martin, 29, and Erica Clayburn, 20, were charged with reckless endangerment in Derry Township, Pa., in April after Martin was shot in the jaw. The couple were playing a game resembling “Marco Polo” with a loaded handgun, with an eyes-closed Clayburn firing when Martin shouted “Gun!” (Martin was supposed to duck out of the way before Clayburn pulled the trigger.)

THE CONTINUING CRISIS

CREME DE LA WEIRD

Mattel revealed that its best-selling fashion doll in the last year, for the

In May, based on five women’s complaints, Virginia Beach, Va., police ar-

age-6-and-up market, has been the teen werewolf “Monster High” model,

rested restaurateur Henry Fitzsimmons, 54, for abduction and sexual assault

Clawdeen Wolf, who comes with heavy makeup, a short skirt and high

for harshly beating them as punishment for violating the terms of the “schol-

boots, and who supposedly spends her time “waxing, plucking and shaving.” (Says Clawdeen, in promotional materials, “My hair is worthy of a

arship” he supposedly offered them. The women claim that Fitzsimmons is a devotee of the “Spencer Plan” of orderly discipline, in which contracting parties adhere to agreed-on roles but at a cost of being physically disciplined if

shampoo commercial, and that’s just what grows on my legs.”) Though

they fail. Fitzsimmons acknowledged his fascination with the Spencer Plan, but

Mattel claims the doll celebrates girls’ imperfections, a counselor told Fox

denied the assaults, pointing out that he had fired one of the women and that

News she was appalled that the company tells young girls they “need to

the other four were helping her retaliate.

sculpt, tweeze, wax and ... change their bodies” to attract men.

THE CLASSIC MIDDLE NAME

-Cyber Making-Out: Tokyo’s Kajimoto Laboratory has created a

Arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder: Anthony Wayne Smith (former Oak-

tongue-kissing machine to enable lovers to suck face over the Internet,

land Raiders football player), Los Angeles (March); Theron Wayne Johnson, Weston,

according to a May CNN report. At separate locations, the pair place spe-

Texas (May); Michael Wayne McGray, Vancouver, British Columbia (May); Darrell

cial straws in their mouths and mimic a deep kiss, which is recorded and

Wayne Morris, Price, Utah (May). Convicted of murder: Thilbert Wayne Hager, States-

transmitted to each other’s straws. Researcher Nobuhiro Takahashi sees

ville, N.C. (October).

profit in “celebrity” tongue-kissing applications, but said more work is

QUESTIONABLE JUDGEMENTS

needed to establish individual taste, breathing and tongue moistness. (An-

Principal Terry Eisenbarth apologized to parents and children at Washington Elemen-

other team of Japanese researchers, using a harness-type device, reported

tary School in Mount Vernon, Iowa, in May and promised to stop his ritual “wham-

making similar advances -- in Internet “hugging,” with sensors that mimic

mies,” in which he summons kids on their birthdays to his office, sings “Happy Birth-

lovers’ heartbeats and even their spine’s “tingling” and stomach’s “butterflies.”) -The Columbus, Ohio, school board accepted principal Kimberly Jones’ resignation in May following revelations by The Columbus Dispatch that she, though earning $90,000 a year, swore on federal forms that she made just $25,000 -- so that her own two children would qualify for reduced-price school lunches.

day” to them, and ceremonially spanks the child’s backside with a cushioned hockey stick (with the number of whacks equaling the child’s age).

A News of the Weird Classic (February 2007)

In September (2006), according to sheriff’s officials in Buffalo, N.Y., Thomas Montgomery, 47, murdered a 22-year-old colleague in an online love triangle involving a West Virginia woman, except that two of the three people involved did not exist. Ostensibly, a young Marine flirted with an 18-year-old woman, but unknown to each other, the “Marine” was actually Montgomery, and the woman was actually her mother, 45, pretending to be her daughter. The workplace colleague (not pretending to be anyone else) had struck up an online conversation with the “daughter,” also, making Montgomery jealous enough to kill him. Thus, in the make-believe “triangle,” the only real person is now dead

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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106

THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

NEWS OF THE WEIRD


THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

WING NIGHT MONDAY : Starters Pub Wings 50¢ Wings • ½ Price Boneless 5pm-11pm

s Clubhouse WEDNESDAY : Starter s Wings ½ Price Wings & Boneles 5pm-10pm

CLAM NIGHT se

Monday : Starters Clubhou $2.00 Dozen Clams 5pm-10pm

TUESDAY : Starters Pub $2.00 Dozen Clams 5pm-11pm

½ Price Burgers too!

TRIVIA NIGHT Wednesdays, 7:30pm at Starters Pub

$7 Sandwiches

STARTERS CLUBHOUSE GRILLE

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Cheesesteaks

STARTERS PUB

3731 Route 378 • Bethlehem (610) 997-5454 www.starterspub.com


THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

CONCERT BEAT

CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713 Senses Fail, Apr 3 Kings Foil, Apr 6 Reverend Horton Heat, Apr 13 Launch Music Conference, Apr 26

TICKETS 212-307-7171

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600 Reverse Order, Apr 6 Reverend Horton Heat, Apr 10 Ganstagrass, Apr 26 Millionaires, Apr 28

TICKETS 570-325-0249 Eagle Mania, Apr 13 Willy Porter, Apr 19 Paula Cole, Apr 20

MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 Gabriel Iglesias, Apr 12 Ringling Bros & Barnum Bailey, Apr 24-28

MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 War, Apr 20 Best of NY Burlesque, Apr 27 Thunder from down under, Fri & Sat Jul 5 - Aug 31

WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA

Rick Braun, Mar 30 The Fixx, Apr 4 Ophira Eisenberg, Apr 11

Toby Keith & Kip Moore, Jun 22 Jimmy Buffet, Jun 25 Dave Matthews Band, Jun 28-29 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12

TICKETS 800-745-3000

YES, Apr 7 Anjelah Johnson, Apr 13 Wayne Newton, Apr 20 Goo Goo Dolls, Apr 21 Steve Earl, Apr 26 The Machine Pink Floyd Trib, Apr 27 Alabama, May 2 Alice in Chains, May 7 Boz Scaggs, May 10 Brian Regan, May 12 Motley Crue, May 20 -21

Chicago, May 22 Korn, May 23 BuckCherry, May 24 Weird Al Yankovic, Jun 4 Billy Idol, Jun 9 Willie Nelson, Jun 16 Rock of Ages, Jun 10 Michael McDonald, Jul 7 Los Lobos, Jul 10 Tony Bennett, Jul 26 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22

HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA TICKETS 717-534-3911

IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY

One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13

TICKETS 212-777-6800

TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA

Living Colour, Apr 6 R5 - Loud Tour, Apr 11 The Presidents of The United States, Apr 15 Metal Alliance Tour w/ Anthrax, Apr 20-21

TICKETS (215) 922-5483

Senses Fail, Apr 4 Toots & the Maytails, Apr 10 Volbeat, Apr 11 Olly Murs, Apr 20 Sammy Adams & T. Mills, Apr 23 Sparks, Apr 24 TICKETS 610-898-7200 Polish Ambassador, Apr 26 Chris Young, Apr 20|Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Jun 18 The Johnny Mar, Apr 30 The Breeders 20th Anniversary, May 5 Peter Murphy, May 9 Tod Rundgren, May 11 Ghost, May 12 TICKETS (215) 627-1332 The Darkness, May 15 The Black Crowes, Apr 12 Josh Ritter & The Royal City Band, May 16

SOVEREIGN CENTER, Reading, PA THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA Mindless Self Indulgence, Apr 14 Seven Dust, Apr 18 Suicidal Tendencies, Apr 19 Pierce the Veil & All Time Low, Apr 21-22 Bassnectar, May 1-2

448 N 17th St

(610) 776-7711 R5 Loud Tour, Apr 7 Carly Rae Jepsen, Aug 2 Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 Styx & Foreigner, Aug 7 Darius Rucker, Aug 9 Ke$ha, Aug 10

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650 Living Color, Apr 4 Bill Cosby, Apr 7 Rodriguez, Apr 8 The Mavericks, Apr 10

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA

Bar Stool Black Out Tour, Apr 18 3 Days Grace, Apr 19 Chris Young, Apr 20 Steel Panther, Apr 26

Satisfaction, Apr 5 Southside Johnny & The Asbury Jukes, Apr 8 Rick Springfield, Apr 28 Skid Row, May 31

TICKETS 570-420-280 Page 8

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA

MAINGATE NIGHT CLUB

TICKETS 215-336-3600 Maroon 5, Apr 4 Fleetwood Mac, Apr 6

TICKETS 610-332-1300

Fleetwood Mac, Apr 8 Alicia Keys, Apr 11 Eric Clapton Crossroads Guitar Fest, Apr 12-13 The Killers, May 14

TICKETS 877-686-5366

MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA

MUSIKFEST CAFE Bethlehem, PA

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY

Rebelution, May 4 Volbeat, May 6 Asking Alexandra, May 8 Bullet for my Valentine, May 19

TICKETS 570-325-0371

Check Out YES April 7th at the Sands Bethlehem Event Center


sunday may 19 / 6pm brews75 brothers west maIn st. Luzerne, PA

THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

SLP CONCERTS PRESENTS YOUR PENNSYLVANIA CONCERT CALENDAR

MAY 7TH / 7PM SHERMAN THEATER 524 MAIN ST. STROUDSBURG

FEATURING DAVID DRAIMAN OF

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tiX at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-By-Phone 800.745.3000, At ALL Ticketmaster outletS Including all walmart stores, And At THE venue’s BOX OFFICE.


THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013 Page 10

Movie Review

GINA CRASH’S TOP 10 BROUGHT TO YOU BY

1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

10

By Chris Bumbray

FREAK LIKE ME

HALESTORM

THE STRANGE CASE OF…

WHERE DID THE ANGELS GO? PAPA ROACH

THE CONNECTION

THE HIGH ROAD 3 DAYS GRACE

TRANSIT OF VENUS

BONES

YOUNG GUNS

PLOT: With COBRA agent Zartan now posing as the US president (Jonathan Pryce), the G.I Joe’s are ambushed and mostly wiped out. The survivors of the attack, Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Flint (D.J Cotrona) and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) are joined by the rogue Snake Eyes (Ray Park), his apprentice Jinx (Elodie Yung) and a retired Joe (Bruce Willis) in a quest to avenge their fallen comrades. REVIEW: After being delayed ten full months to allow for a 3D conversion, Jon M. Chu’s G.I JOE: RETALIATION is finally hitting theaters. Considering RISE OF THE COBRA’s disastrous reception from hardcore G.I JOE fans, many thought a sequel would never get made. Sure enough, most of the team from the first film is gone, although Chu’s movie is not a reboot, but is in fact a direct sequel. This allows them to carry-over the few things from the first movie that did kinda work, specifically the cliffhanger ending involving Zartan as the president, Ray Park as the silent, faceless Snake Eyes, Byung-hun Lee as his sworn enemy Storm Shadow, and to a lesser extent, Channing Tatum as Duke. Cobra Commander is also back, but he hardly seems like the same character that was portrayed in the first film.

BONES

HOLLOW

ALICE IN CHAINS THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE

ALIVE

ADELITA’S WAY

HOME SCHOOL VALEDICTORIAN

BY CROOKED STEPS SOUNDGARDEN

KING ANIMAL

FROM CAN TO CAN’T

COREY TAYLOR / DAVE GROHL

SOUND CITY SOUNDTRACK

HEAVEN NOR HELL VOLBEAT

BEYOND HELL / ABOVE HEAVEN

VILIFY

DEVICE

DEVICE

RETALIATION tries to be more of a proper action film, eschewing the huge cartoonish battles scenes from RISE OF THE COBRA, in favor of more shootouts, chases, and fisticuffs courtesy of new leading man Dwayne Johnson. In many ways, G.I JOE seems to be an ideal franchise for Johnson, who’s larger-than-life, exactly the kind of hero this franchise needs. With his tree-trunk arms, and square-jawed heroics, he’s really a throw-back to eighties action heroes like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, and while this is still a “team” film as opposed to an all-out star vehicle, his energy revitalizes the franchise, just like it did with FAST FIVE. As for Bruce Willis, this is more-or-less a glorified cameo, and I doubt he has more than fifteen minutes of screen-time throughout. Luckily, Snake-Eyes and Storm-Shadow are around to liven things up with some nifty ninja action, with the mountain-side sword-fight, which is the one part of the movie that seems to have really benefited from the 3D conversion, being the film’s standout set-piece. The villains are pretty weak this time out as well, with Cobra Commander only getting a few minutes here and there to make his presence felt. Ray Stevenson as Firefly, and Byunghun Lee are more or less the faces of COBRA throughout, even if both feel like henchmen. However, Jonathan Pryce seems to be having a ball chewing the scenery as Zartan, although again, he feel more like a minion than a mastermind. This is the kind of movie where entire countries can be destroyed at the click of a button, with millions of lives lost, and nobody really seems to care as long as the good old’ U.S.A is a-OK. So yeah- it’s probably best not to think too much about RETALIATION after watching it. Still, it’s a heck of a lot better than the first movie, and a mostly solid 110 minutes of fun.


L-R: Chris Squire, Alan White, Geoffrey Downes, Steve Howe, Jon Davison

THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

by: Mitch

L-R: Dana Gaynor, Suavek Zaniesienko, James Supra, Al Wanamaker

CRUISES TO THE EDGE AND BACK Classic Prog-Rockers Yes recently headlined a floating progressive rock festival dubbed “Cruise to the Edge” in honor of their Spring 2013 tour as they’re performing three classic albums in their entirety: 1972’s Close to the Edge, 1971’s The Yes Album and 1977’s Going for the One. This Sunday, they will be appearing at the Sands Bethlehem Event Center at 7:00 PM where you’ll get to hear two of the three albums. Don’t think you’ll get to hear all three because you won’t. You will hear Close to the Edge and one of the other remaining two as they seem to be alternating between them. I speak from experience because I’ve actually been on a Yes concert binge for the past week and a half. As a longtime fan of the band, I felt obliged to hop aboard the Cruise to the Edge in what would be my maiden voyage on the high seas but not before checking out their show at the Seminole Hard Rock Live Arena in Hollywood, Florida the night before embarking on the cruise which also made one day stops at ports in Georgetown, Cayman Islands and Ocho Rios, Jamaica. Aboard the massive Italian cruise liner, MSC Poesia, Yes joined forces with about ten other bands departing from Fort Lauderdale, Florida on March 25 for a five day prog extravaganza that also featured former Genesis guitarist, Steve Hackett and his band performing their Genesis Revisited show, Carl Palmer Band performing their ELP Legacy show, UK (recently reunited), Nektar, Ambrosia (last minute fill-in for Tangerine Dream), Zebra and several other up and coming progressive rock acts from around the globe. With the stars aligned, but barely visible at night due to mostly cloudy conditions for much of the journey, I was joined on this excursion by my new bride, Donna, who got to experience a honeymoon that rocked and rolled – literally! The Poesia sailed over some rough seas with high winds making the crew’s efforts as well as the roadies (or should I say swabbies) much more difficult than expected. They logistically adjusted well on the fly with only a couple performances cancelled. Schedules were juggled and tweaked but everyone seemingly had a good time rolling with the changes.

Rock cruises have become the latest fad where fans get to rub elbows and party with their favorite bands for five days of non-stop music at both indoor and outdoor venues on board these enormous vessels. Most notable and recent on the MSC Poesia were the Monsters of Rock cruise featuring bands Cinderella, Tesla, Queensryche, Y&T and Great White and The Moody Blues cruise dubbed “The Voyage” which featured Greg Lake of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Little River Band, The Zombies, The Strawbs and Stephen Bishop. Although Caribbean cruises have been getting some bad press lately for mishaps at sea with stranded passengers foundering and sweltering without electricity, air-conditioning, fresh food or water, these MSC rock-themed cruises have been executed flawlessly with less than a day’s turnaround before they’re fully loaded and back out at sea. The only thing they can’t control is Mother Nature but it doesn’t stop them from trying. So my two week Yes binge comes to an end this Sunday at the Sands Bethlehem Event Center on good ole terra firma. The band is in fine form as they continue these double album shows and they can only get better without having to endure vertigo and seasickness. Doors open at 6PM and the show is at 7PM. Stay tuned for more stories and concert reviews from my “Cruise to the Edge…” Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in weeknights for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits from the 60s through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com

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During the cruise, Yes actually performed two shows in MSC Poesia’s plush indoor venue, Teatro Carlo Felice, with the first on Monday the 25th featuring Close to the Edge/ Going for the One and the second on Wednesday the 27th featuring Close to the Edge/ The Yes Album which was the same show I saw at Seminole Hard Rock.

The pitching and lurching of the ship while navigating through rough waters made these performances quite interesting for the artists and audiences alike. Yes guitarist, Steve Howe, had to stop his steel pedal guitar from rolling across the stage and away from him by extending his leg and hooking his foot into it while continuing to play guitar -- quite a feat with the feet! A truly funny moment occurred during their curtain call after the first performance when they all lined up at the front of the stage with arms over their shoulders but then all stumbling sideways across the stage as the perpetual motion of the boat caught them off guard.


THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

HOTSHOTS!

If you are a bar or club that would like to featured in Hot Shots send us an email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

LOST IN PARIS ROCKED THE NEW LIVE MUSIC HOT SPOT!

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VISION BAR IN BETHLEHEM


THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club 1231 Airport Rd South, Allentown, PA 18109 610-433-3311 Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours

BATH

Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd, 610-769-4600 4/5 Jake Kaligis 4/6 Scott Marshall

Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 5/11 Blessing of the Bikes: noon - 4pm

Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Tuesday Nights: Karaoke w/DJ Troy

Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama

Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment 4/27 Mcs for MS Benefit Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music

MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Baseball Thurday: DJ@10pm Sat: BOGO Burgers Sunday: Football

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 4/3 Urban Achievers 4/4 The Vowels 4/5 Spitune 4/6 The Great Socio 4/7 Lehigh Parking Authority 4/8 Jon Faden 4/9 The Four Walls

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Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Strange Brew Bethlehem, Pa 18018 Tavern 610 865 1028 1996 S. Fifth St Monday: Jukebox 610-841-3610 Thursday: Karaoke Monday: Pong night Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Sunday: Open mic Karaoke 4/5 Handel Sunday: Karaoke 4/6 Trouble City All Stars Bethlehem Brew Works Roosevelt’s 21st 569 Main St 1328 W. Tilghman St 610-882-1300 (610) 770-1444 4/5 Alien Arcade Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center Jetport Lounge 77 Sands Boulevard 3400 Airport Rd. 610-297-7410 Allentown, Pa 4/5 M-80 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am 4/12 GLi

DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman

Tally Ho 205 W. Fourth St 610-865-2591

Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 April 17th Troegs Dinner

M-80 4/5 Vision Bar at the Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA

Handel 4/5 Strange Brew Allentown, PA

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 4/4 Easton High Jazz 4/5 Peter Case 4/6 BC Combo

CATASAQUA Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550

The 4 Walls 4/9 The Funhouse Bethlehem, PA

COOPERSBURG Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010

BARTONSVILLE The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 4/3 Jessie Wade & Co 4/6 T.B.A

EASTON Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 Wed: Pong Night $100 Fri: DJ Zee Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 4/3 Open Mic 4/4 Chris Cummings 4/5 Hoochie Coochie Men 4/6 Schubert & Binder

Alien Arcade 4/5 Roosevelt’s 21st Allentown, PA

MORE ON PAGE 21

Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

BETHLEHEM

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 4/3 DJ Johnny B & DJ Ed Smooth 4/4 Element K 4/5 The Nerds 4/6 Shorty Long & Jersey Horns 4/7 The Fabulous Grease Band 4/8 Jumper 4/9 Tower Suite

SEEKING IMMEDIATELY •SALES ASSISTANTS •DRIVERS •INTERNS thevalleybeat@gmail.com


THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013


BY: Tyler Drake

Usually I don’t get this excited for an old guy to come to town, even a British one. But this particular old guy is a Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire, having been so appointed by the Queen Elizabeth II, Head of the Commonwealth and Defender of the Faith, in her 2004 Birthday Honours. This particular old guy was also recognized by some committee out in Sweden, which awarded him the Nobel Prize in Physics in 2003 for contributions to the theory of superconductors and superfluids. This particular guy is Sir Anthony James “Tony” Leggett.

THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

LEHIGH MEETS ROYALITY

and backwards in time are not so different from left and right or up and down. And yet, he pointed out, there are all kinds of non-fundamental processes that only occur in one direction — for instance, we all know that a good sandwich left out goes bad, but you don’t need to be a Nobel laureate to know that a rotten sandwich left out will not tend to become more edible. Related to this arrow of time is entropy, a statistical measure of a system’s disorder. The second law of thermodynamics, which roughly states that entropy always increases with time, is thought by many to be the point where physical law gives way to a time asymmetry.

In addition to supervising roughly nine graduate students, Tony now travels the world lecturing The audience included many children, professors, about physics, and on this particular week he is students, waitresses, auto mechanics, a guest of Lehigh University. Lehigh puts him up secretaries, janitors, and other interested in the historic Hotel Bethlehem, where they have people, all of whom seemed to enjoy the kicked out Brits before (Ozzy Osbourne, who lecture. Leggett invited them to contemplate the monarchy has not yet elected to knight, is the later stages of our universe, where perhaps permanently banned from the premises, although everything that exists will be pulled together his picture is still on The audience included many children, for a big crunch (like the big the wall). And Tony is bang in reverse). In this case, not just in town for the professors, students, waitresses, the progressive gathering sandwiches; he gives auto mechanics, secretaries, janitors, of material would lead to two big lectures on a more-ordered state. He and other interested people” quantum physics, both of which are well attended supposed that creatures living in such an epoch not just by Lehigh folk and the ivory-tower set, might perceive time backwards. Tony fielded an but by interested blokes from all around the array of questions that ranged from basic (how Lehigh Valley. do we describe entropy with a number?) to the speculative (what about other directions of time Tony’s first lecture, the one intended for a broad in a multiverse?), and he did so with the grace audience, deals with the nature of time. He befitting a Knight Commander of the British addresses questions like: Why does it run in one Empire. direction? Why can we remember the past and change the future, but not the other way around? I for one am thankful that time goes forward. It Why, when we see a video, can we usually tell would test the dignity of even the Brits to sit on if it is being played forward or backward? Why, the toilet and have shit come flying up at them. if time flies like an arrow, do fruit flies like a banana? Okay, I threw that last one in there for fun. In any case, he started by pointing out that there really isn’t anything in the most basic laws of physics as we know them that doesn’t work the same way forwards as it does backwards, from a time point of view. In this sense, forwards

PAGE 17

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THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013


TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) Get that heart rate up as the week gets going! The stars say fun exercise and general excitement are in order now -- try a new sport, a thrilling movie or whatever else says ‘action!’ Then, the ties that attach you to others in your life look like they may be getting a bit tangled around Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Yes, it’s serious stuff, but you’re also inclined to take things a bit personally. Get perspective (and advice) from a friend. And while you’re all about what’s tangible and solid, there’s something in the air this weekend, and it’s very interesting. Tune in! GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) Talk about dialed in -- you’re at the center of it all as the week gets going, and connecting is your specialty. Just think through your personal priorities, or you’re liable to fritter away this dynamic -- even electric -- energy. Then, starting later on Wednesday, it’s time to go into looking and learning mode. And positive relationships can really flourish this weekend, but if something’s a bit off in your interpersonal realm, it’s gonna need addressing. CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) Your time off might not be quite the rest, relaxation and stress-free fun you’d hoped for as the week begins, but the stars salute your efforts to deal with difficulties as they arise (which you’re doing, right?). You may be reluctant to rock the boat, but what’s surfacing now requires action. Then, sometime around Wednesday, Thursday or Friday, can you share what’s on your mind or in your heart? Once you’ve made the very best of your workweek, give yourself a break this weekend -favorite people, low-key fun and a little time alone! LEO (7/23 - 8/22) You’re hot stuff as the week gets going, so get the most out of your time off! Extend your fun -- a picnic or a starlit walk, anyone? Amour is in the air, day and night! But duty calls later in the week, with stuff around the house or family needing your attention. Wednesday, Thursday or Friday could find someone looking to undermine you. Let ‘em know you’re on to them, then make them an ally. And when the weekend comes, you’re all fired up; who can keep up? Find out and plan an adventure together!

SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) Don’t just veg out or live it up during your time off at the beginning of the week; take some time to think about what you really want -- and visualize it happening! While you’re at it, plan big things for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday -- your all-star days this week. Huge strides at work? You make it look like a cakewalk. Romantic stuff? You make it red hot! Have faith in yourself and the universe, and there’s little you can’t do with style and aplomb. This weekend, shopping might sound enticing, but beware of maxing out that credit card on an impulse. What do you actually need? SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) You’re the host with the most and the life of the party at the beginning of the week, so don’t skip the social events. If you want to nest, tidy up and mull things over, on Wednesday evening or towards the end of the workweek when the stars favor it. You can have a breakthrough now in regards to something -- or someone -- you’ve been trying to figure out. And this weekend, you’re looking good and feeling fantastic. Allow for serendipity -- it’s there for you! CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) Instead of spinning your wheels as the week begins, how about relaxing and enjoying the ride? Sometimes trying harder doesn’t work nearly as well as not trying so hard -- now’s one of those times. Then starting sometime on Wednesday, life might just start to feel a lot more effortless. The stars are on your side now -- in work, in love, in making good choices and in personal growth. Hooray for you! When the weekend comes, though, you may hit a roadblock. Hint: There’s always a way around. What kind of maps are at your disposal? AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) Someone or something that really doesn’t seem like your bag deserves more than a knee-jerk reaction (or rejection) at the beginning of the week. Check it out! Then starting sometime Wednesday, the scrutiny of your boss might be a little stifling, or maybe it’s all the attention and input coming from those around you that’s cramping your style. Carve out some private time, but don’t underestimate facing the world directly and being proud of what you do. This weekend, you’ll find your place in the universe much more comfortable -- and it’s expanding, too. PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) You’re so generous that you’re usually perfectly willing to let it go when somebody owes you one. But at the beginning of this week, it’s payback time, in a way that’s good for you! Ask and accept graciously. Then, starting later on Wednesday, it’s best to try to unravel a sticky situation before you commit. If the mess seems endless, you’ll be glad you left yourself an out; back away slowly, using a soothing voice! And while your weekend doesn’t necessarily look issue-free, your good attitude and careful attention are all the equipment you need to make the very best of it.

CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 4/12 From the Wreckage

WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am

READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200 Brass Lantern 1350 N 12th St 610-372-9311

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Karaoke/Billiards Thursday: DJ B-Rad Fridays: DJ Statik 4/6 Emily’s Toybox

MACUNGIE The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 4/13 Maddam Ink 4/20 T.B.A 4/27 The Dark Matters

OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 4/5 Chris Barakat 4/6 Endzone

CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 4/5 Ryan Tennis 4/6 Sunshine Superman 4/7 The Mahlors Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373

PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 4/4 Erin McClelland 4/5 Kevin Brennan 4/6 Quimby Mountain Band 4/7 Pocono Duo 4/9 Regina Sayles

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

Check out Emily’s Toybox this Saturday at the Hammerhead Lounge in Northampton

PAGE 21

VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) You may not have your usual wits about you when it comes to making choices at the beginning of the week. Get a second opinion from a friend or colleague, look up reviews for major purchases and be clear about your commitment level! Then stop obsessing about the details around Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, and take a gander at the big picture. There’s a message for you here! When the weekend comes, resist the impulse to book every minute chock-full. It’s the mellow downtime that matters most now.

LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) Whatever the occasion at the beginning of the week, you’re there with bells on! You’re having fun, and everyone loves it. But starting sometime Wednesday, some heavy emotional business may throw you off. You’ll need to take the time to really investigate the feelings or issues, even if it seems daunting. Pushing stuff under the rug just makes an unsightly lump in your life! And when the weekend comes, you’ll want to be ready to move forward with a solid plan for exploring -- and communicating what you find. Enjoy!

THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

ZODIAC

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) Look at you, putting someone or something besides yourself first as the week begins! A little selflessness has you feeling good (and looking like a charmer). But starting sometime Wednesday, issues that lie beneath the surface need to be brought out and processed, or things could get ugly. Allow time for decompression, and consciously cultivate transformation and growth. And don’t worry: The weekend looks much easier and much more inspiring. Plan for action, whether it’s getting outside, getting projects done or getting to know a certain someone better!


THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013 Page 22

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3 Requirements There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn’t run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs. “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.” “Yes, but are you good in bed?” “How do you think I rang the doorbell?” Labor Pills Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it. The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, “I don’t feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this.” So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, “Take another pill. This isn’t hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away.” So she does. Now they are both feeling great. A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Firm It Up! One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”

Page 24

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother.”

Revenge A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say. “Tell him,” she whispers “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women’s bathroom....”

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THE VALLEY BEAT APRIL 3, 2013

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PAGE 31

What do you do to make $$? Dog Groomer Also print, Film, Promo & TV Model. Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? It’s complicated. How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? Contact My Agent www.DonatelliModels.Com 610-921-5582 Ask for Randy! Where was your best vacation destination? Puerto Rico. What do you do to relax? Listen to Music. What sports do you watch the most? Equestrian. What is your favorite beverage? Sex on the Beach. What happens to be your worst vice? Doing too much at once. What is your best feature? My Hair. What TV show do you never miss each week? Walking Dead. What movie would you recommend to our readers?. The Notebook. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Skydive. Are you a Spender or a Saver? Spender. What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers. Featured IN The movie Wolf of Wallstreet (2013). What do you sleep in? Pajama Pants. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? “Smile if you wanna sleep with me.” What do want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? How to have one.


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