March 13th, 2013

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COVER: THIS WEEKS MODEL 11 LOCAL BEAT

WWW.THEVALLEYBEAT.COM

GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe

8 CONCERT BEAT 10 TOP SPINS & MOVIE REVIEW

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUEISSUE 6 • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 130. MARCH 13 - 19, 2013

Concert listings from many places

Gina Crash from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review

BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

12 HOT SHOTS

Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!

13 CD REVIEW

14 CLUB & PUBS

We are working on it but need your help please send info

18 BETHLEHEM EXPLOSION 21 ZODIAC

Tyler Drake examines the “when you play with fire you get burned!” theory

Your astrology for the week

24 JOKES & COMICS

12 HOT SHOTS 31 MODEL BEAT 31

A few chuckles to get you through the week

MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week Welcome to The Valley Beat Newspaper! Lehigh Valley’s Hottest Alternative Newspaper.

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013


by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY: MAKING OUTSOURCING WORK FOR YOU

LEAST COMPETENT DOGS

A Verizon risk team, looking for data breaches on a client’s computers, dis-

(1) A Palm Bay, Fla., police officer was sent to the hospital in February after a supposedly highly trained K-9 bit him in the crotch during a burglary investigation. A trainer attributed the lapse to the dog’s natural “intensity” during searches. Apparently, all was forgiven, and both “officers” returned to work. (2) In Cottages Row, England, firefighters were called in January when a metal lamppost was reported as smoking because of an electrical short, which was discovered when a Labrador retriever lifted his leg. That species is regarded as quite intelligent, but the dog, after being knocked back by the shock, moments later attempted to engage the lamppost a second time, with the same result.

covered that one company software developer was basically idle for many months, yet remained productive -- because he had outsourced his projects to a Chinese software developer who would do all the work and send it back. The employee earned several hundred thousand dollars a year, according to a January Los Angeles Times report, but paid the Chinese worker only about $50,000. The risk team eventually learned that sensitive company information was flowing to and from Chinese terminals, leading the company to suspect hackers, but that traffic was merely the U.S. employee (obviously, “ex-employee” now) sending and receiving his workload. The U.S. man showed up for work every day, but spent his time leisurely web-surfing.

THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT --One of Britain’s most famous “madams” announced in January that she was coming out of retirement to set up a brothel exclusively catering to disabled people and the terminally ill. An ordinary brothel would be illegal in the town of Milton Keynes (45 miles from London), but Becky Adams insists that the government could not shut hers down without illegally discriminating against the disabled. --Advances in the Service Sector: (1) In January, the Japanese marketing firm Wit Inc. began hiring “popular” young women (judged by the extent of their “social network” contacts), at the equivalent of $121 a day, to walk

ADVANCES IN ANIMAL RESEARCH --Scientists from Sweden’s Lund University, reporting in a recent issue of Current Biology, explored the burning question of why dung beetles appear to be “dancing” on the tops of the dung balls they roll away. The answer is that the beetles need to roll their treasures away from the heap as quickly as possible (lest competitors swipe them) and that they can best maintain a straight line away by celestial navigation. To test the hypothesis, researchers actually outfitted some beetles with tiny visors to block their view of the sky, and those beetles mostly rolled their balls in irregular routes, whereas the sky-searching beetles moved in straight lines. --Intelligent Design: Japanese researchers learned recently that a species of sea slug may lose its penis after copulating, but then grow another one and use it the next time the occasion arises. Writing in the British journal Biology Letters, the scientists also found that the slugs have both male and female organs and in effect copulate with each other through a simultaneous hook-up. A final breathtaking finding of the team was that the sea slugs’ penis has the ability to remove competitors’ sperm from the female openings of its mate.

around with advertising stickers on their thighs. (The stickers would be

BEER NATION

placed on the erotic “zettai ryouiki” -- the Japanese mystical area between

---- In the Czech Republic, per-capita beer consumption is twice that in the United States, and competition is such that some beers are priced lower than any other beverage, including water. (The brewery Pizensky Prazdroj delivers beer in tanker trucks that in the U.S. might deliver gasoline, and delivers it to pubs’ storage tanks just as U.S. gas station have storage tanks.) Recently, concerned about overconsumption, the country’s health minister proposed to prohibit restaurants and bars from offering a beer as the lowest-priced drink, per ounce.

the hem of a short skirt and the top of long socks.) The women must be prepared to endure men hovering closely to read the ads. (2) According to news reports in November, New York City physician Jack Berdy was doing a brisk business administering Botox injections (at up to $800) to poker players who were hoping to prevent facial expressions that might tip their hands. --Ingenious: (1) London’s The Independent reported in January that Dean Kamen (who famously invented the Segway, a standing, battery-powered scooter) had developed, along with a Pennsylvania medical team, what appears to work as a “reverse feeding tube” that will vacuum out up to 30 percent of any food in the stomach before it is digested and converted into calories. After installation of the stomach “port,” the diner could operate the

JOB PROSPECTS DIM

--Willie Merriweather, 53, was detained in February by police in Aiken, S.C., after an employment agency reported that, when he was sitting for an interview, he exposed himself (allegedly telling the interviewer that “it fell out,” that he “must have forgotten” to zip his pants). Police said Merriweather had been accused of a similar incident at a different employment agency a few days earlier.

READERS CHOICE

announced in January a nail polish ideal for Muslim women, in that it can

--(1) On Jan. 27, Pope Benedict XVI released two doves in St. Peter’s Square at the Vatican’s end-of-prayers ceremony, but almost immediately, a gull flew over and attacked one. (The faithful were rewarded, though, as the dove, though wounded, managed to elude the irreligious predator.) (2) On Feb. 11, only hours after Pope Benedict had announced his imminent retirement, a rare winter thunderstorm hit Vatican City, and an Agence France-Presse photographer snapped a photo of one powerful lightning bolt from the heavens appearing to strike St. Peter’s Basilica (as if offering a dissenting opinion to the pope’s decision).

ly, devout women wear nail polish only during their menstrual periods, when the hand-washing is not required, but polish thus signals menstruation and therefore embarrasses modest women.) (Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD

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device without daily medical help. (2) The Polish cosmetics company Inglot withstand the five-times-daily hand-washing required for prayers. (Normal-

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

NEWS OF THE WEIRD


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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

CONCERT BEAT

CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY

Slackwater News, Mar 22 Senses Fail, Apr 3 Kings Foil, Apr 6 Reverend Horton Heat, Apr 13

TICKETS 212-307-7171

TICKETS 717-393-7713

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600 Tommy Ramone & Glen Matlock, Mar 20 Reverend Horton Heat, Apr 10 Ganstagrass, Apr 26 Millionaires, Apr 28

MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 Tartan Terrors, Mar 15 Splintered Sunlight, Mar 16 Mountain Spring Wellness Festival, Mar 22

MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600

Gabriel Iglesias, Apr 12 Ringling Bros & Barnum Bailey, Apr 24-28

MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Tommy Davidson, Mar 23 War, Apr 20 Best of NY Burlesque, Apr 27

WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA TICKETS 215-336-3600 Rhianna, Mar 14 Pink, Mar 17

MUSIKFEST CAFE Bethlehem, PA

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TICKETS 800-745-3000

The Machine Pink Floyd Trib, Apr 27 Alice in Chains, May 7 Boz Scaggs, May 10 Brian Regan, May 12 Motley Crue, May 20 -21 Chicago, May 22 Weird Al Yankovic, Jun 4 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22

Pink, Mar 22 Armin Van Buuren “A State of Trance”, Mar 30 Fleetwood Mac, Apr 8 Alicia Keys, Apr 11

Jewel, Mar 15 Dennis Miller, Mar 16 YES, Apr 7 Anjelah Johnson, Apr 13 Wayne Newton, Apr 20 Goo Goo Dolls, Apr 21 Steve Earl, Apr 26

TICKETS 877-686-5366

HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ Alice In Chains, May 18 The Killers, May 19 Jimmy Buffet, Jun 25 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12

IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY TICKETS 212-777-6800

TICKETS 717-534-3911

One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13

TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 922-5483

Johnny Popcorn, Mar 14 Anomaly / Beyond Black Skies, Mar 16 KMFDM, Mar 19 Booka Shade, Mar 20 Anberlin, Mar 22 Fighting Jamesons, Mar 23 SOVEREIGN CENTER, Reading, PA The Senses Fail, Apr 4 TICKETS 610-898-7200 Volbeat, Apr 11 Chris Young, Apr 20|Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Jun 18 Sammy Adams & T. Mills, Apr 23 The Breeders 20th Anniversary, May 5 THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Peter Murphy, May 9 Philadelphia, PA Tod Rundgren, May 11 Juanez, Jun 21 TICKETS (215) 627-1332 The Mission UK, Sep 4 Finch, Mar 15 The Black Crowes, Apr 12 Mindless Self Indulgence, Apr 14 Seven Dust, Apr 18 Suicidal Tendencies, Apr 19 Bassnectar, May 1-2 The Saw Doctors, Mar 15 Anberlin, Vital Tour, Mar 20 R5 - Loud Tour, Apr 11 Metal Alliance Tour w/ Anthrax, Apr 20-21

MAINGATE NIGHT CLUB 448 N 17th St

(610) 776-7711 As I Lay Dying, Mar 19 • R5 Loud Tour, Apr 7

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA

Rick Braun, Mar 30 TICKETS 610-332-1300 The Fixx, Apr 4 Dr. John & The Lower 911, Mar 13 Ophira Eisenberg, Apr 11 The Irish Comedy Tour, Mar 15 Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 Spank (Musical), Mar 19-23 Ke$ha, Aug 10

George Thorogood & The Destroyers, Mar 14 Liel Kolet, Mar 17 The Fab Faux, Mar 23 Living Color, Apr 4

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA

Circa Survive & Minus The Bear, Mar 20 Rebelution, May 4 Awolnation, Mar 22 Volbeat, May 6 3 Days Grace, Apr 19 Asking Alexandra, May 8 Steel Panther, Apr 26 Bullet for my Valentine, May 19

Marshall Tucker Band, Mar 16 Jefferson Starship, Mar 22 Satisfaction, Apr 5 Skid Row, May 31

TICKETS 570-420-280

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA

TICKETS 215-572-7650

TICKETS 570-325-0371

Dennis Miller performs Saturday at The Sands Bethlehem Event Center


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

SLP CONCERTS PRESENTS YOUR PENNSYLVANIA CONCERT CALENDAR

GOODFELLAS CAFE - 1105 S. CENTRE ST. POTTSVILLE

JUST MOVED TO THE SHERMAN THEATER

may 4th, 2013

524 main st. Stroudsburg 570.420.2808

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tiX at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-By-Phone 800.745.3000, At ALL Ticketmaster outletS Including all walmart stores, And At THE venue’s BOX OFFICE.


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013 Page 10

Movie Review

GINA CRASH’S TOP 10 BROUGHT TO YOU BY

1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

10

By Chris Bumbray

BONES

YOUNG GUNS BONES

HOLLOW

ALICE IN CHAINS THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE

TEMPEST DEFTONES

KOI NO YOKAN

FREAK LIKE ME

PLOT: Victor (Colin Farrell) is part of gangster kingpin Alphonse Hoyt’s (Terrence Howard) crew. Handy with a gun, and smart enough to keep his mouth shut most of the time, he’s risen through the ranks quickly. But- when Beatrice (Noomi Rapace)- Victor’s neighbor, sees him commit a murder, she blackmails him into killing the drunk driver who left her with a badly scarred face. Little does she know, Victor is not the thug she thinks he is. REVIEW: DEAD MAN DOWN has a relatively high-brow pedigree for an action thriller. Coming from director Niels Arden Oplev- who previously directed Noomi Rapace in the acclaimed Swedish adaptation of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, DEAD MAN DOWN takes a familiar story- which is nonetheless solidly entertaining, and a top notch “tough guy” star vehicle for Colin Farrell.

HALESTORM

THE STRANGE CASE OF…

HEAVEN NOR HELL VOLBEAT

BEYOND HELL / ABOVE HEAVEN

WHERE DID THE ANGELS GO? PAPA ROACH

THE CONNECTION

STAND UP

ALL THAT REMAINS A WAR YOU CANNOT WIN

ALIVE

ADELITA’S WAY

HOME SCHOOL VALEDICTORIAN

THE HIGH ROAD 3 DAYS GRACE

TRANSIT OF VENUS

BY CROOKED STEPS SOUNDGARDEN

KING ANIMAL

Here, he plays your prototypical killer with a heart of gold, who- of course, is hiding some painful secret that justifies his methodical approach to the underworld. It’s a familiar part, and the revelation regarding his character and his part in Howard’s mob isn’t tough to predict. Still, even if the role is familiar, Farrell delivers in an emotionally satisfying way a lot of other action stars might not be capable of. His performance here is ultra-intense and highly emotional- and it’s unique to see an action role taken with this kind of method-style approach. Take him out of DEAD MAN DOWN, and it’s just a very pretty action movie. But with him- it’s occasionally more than that. The best parts of DEAD MAN DOWN are the three action set-pieces- one for the beginning, middle and end. It’s actually the middle action scene that’s the best- with Farrell’s downtown mobster sniper attack being the kind of thing that would absolutely own in a PUNISHER reboot (come to think of it- Farrell would be an interesting choice). Aplev’s handling of all three scenes is excellent, even if the CGI-packed finale is a little much for a film that had previously been relatively low-key. Obviously DEAD MAN DOWN is not even close to being a perfect movie, but there’s enough about it that resonates to make it an easy recommendation. As an action film it’s plenty satisfying, but the performances from the two leads, and Aplev’s talent behind the camera gives this an edge it wouldn’t have had otherwise. It’s probably not for everyone, but if you like your action flicks with a little European, art-house flair, this is for you.


And The Winner Is...

JAMES SUPRA L-R: Dana Gaynor, Suavek Zaniesienko, James Supra, Al Wanamaker

BLUES BAND

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

by: Mitch

Recently, after taking in a show at Penn’s Peak, I made a pit stop at Molly Maguires in Jim Thorpe where Supra and his band were performing. This particular gig was prior to World of Harmonica’s announcement of their award of Best Album of 2012. Ever the self-promoter, Supra ensured that everyone in the place knew about the online polling on Facebook and his efforts obviously paid off as the voting went viral enough to put him over the top. Sitting in on drums for Al Wanamaker at Molly’s that night, was Emmaus native Josh Kanusky, the full time drummer for Bev Conklin’s BC Combo. Kanusky played a small kit but sounded great. The band opted for a more stripped-down sound system and for Molly Maguires, that was the way to go. In this pub, less is more. Gaynor and Zaniesienko had their respective guitar amplifiers and Supra went with a singular PA speaker for vocals and harp. The mix was perfect and the pub-goers showed their appreciation as Supra and company rocked originals and covers.

Over the past fourteen years, James Supra has made a habit of cleaning up on Lehigh Valley Music Awards for being the best harmonica player and/or overall performer. Now he’s taking on the world and winning.

I then saw them perform at Strange Brew in Allentown after receiving WOH’s Album of the Year honors. I’m not sure if the award had anything to do with it, but the band seemed even more energized than before, if that’s possible. Perhaps that extra energy was derived from the validation they received from taking on the world and conquering it.

James Supra Blues Band scored a major musical coup and gained global recognition and notoriety for having their latest album, Tip My Hat to the Maker, named as the winner of World of Harmonica’s Album of the Year 2012. The album garnered the most votes in online polling on Facebook so now Supra and his band mates can add one more accolade to their already overstuffed trophy case. I guess when you tip your hat to The Maker, good things can and do happen.

There are some big things on the horizon for the James Supra Blues Band including a couple of opening stints for major artists. They are due to open for the award-winning blues guitarist Debbie Davies in a 2nd Story Blues Alliance event on Friday, March 22 at 8PM at Epic Center, 1205 Broadway in Fountain Hill. If you want to see two top-notch female guitarists in Dana Gaynor and Debbie Davies, this show is a must-see! For tickets and information, contact Les Houck at 610-882-1710.

Last year, I was making my way into the Sam Adams Brew Pub at the Holiday Inn Conference Center in Fogelsville when Supra accosted me in the driveway in front of the hotel. I use the word “accosted” in the most affectionate of ways. The irrepressible Supra was overjoyed at having completed Tip My Hat to the Maker and all he wanted to do was share his excitement with me.

James Supra Blues Band has also been tapped to open for Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes at Penn’s Peak in Jim Thorpe on Friday, April 19 at 8PM. Reduced-price tickets are available by contacting the band directly through their website at www.jamessuprabluesband.com or via Facebook.

“Mitch! You gotta hear this, man! Check this out!” an exuberant Supra exclaimed as he flung open the doors on his illegally parked car and cranked up the volume on the CD player. Grinning from ear to ear and obviously quite proud of his band’s latest studio recording, he gladly handed me a complimentary copy of the CD. With that kind of unbridled passion and enthusiasm, it doesn’t surprise me that his record is winning awards.

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James Supra Blues Band is a high energy blues rock quartet. Band members are Supra (harmonica/lead vocals), Dana Gaynor (guitar/vocals), Suavek Zaniesienko (bass/vocals) and Al Wanamaker (drums).

Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in weeknights for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits from the 60s through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013 Page 12

HOTSHOTS!

If you are a bar or club that would like to featured in Hot Shots send us an email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

LAST FRIDAY’S ST. PATRICK’S DAY PUB CRAWL WAS AWESOME! ROOSEVELT’S 21ST IN ALLENTOWN

PHOTOS BY: SHOWGUN PHOTOGRAPHY


DAVID BOWIE: THE NEXT DAY

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On several levels, David Bowie’s 24th studio Bowie pulled off equally radical shifts at least album is a cunning act of sleight of hand. On The five times between 1970 and 1980 alone. This Next Day, he hasn’t only come to terms with his malleability astounds because it runs so counter past-- he’s making his old material work for his to the way most of us think and behave. It’s new material. For Bowie, the always-savvy son non-conformist, uncomfortable, and irrational, of a public relations man, it’s good for business without any of the detrimental consequences and good for art. The “Heroes”-erasing cover that are supposed to come along with such is an admission, a boast, and a provocation rule-breaking. Granted, a stupendous coke (“how dare he!”) all at once. And by keeping the habit nearly killed him and he wasn’t able to be album’s recording sessions a tight-lipped secret, a present father to his young son during that the back-from-the-dead exclamation of its time, but even those disappointments led to announcement was that much more pronounced. the despondency that fueled his oblique Berlin Also, by abstaining from any new interviews and trilogy. only releasing a few drab black-and-white promo The following couple of decades weren’t quite as photos, he’s all but forcing the press to go back fulfilling, with Bowie reaching stadium success, through his archives to fill the inevitable cover over-diluting his art, and then doubling-back stories from all across the globe. and over-corroding it. Whereas the 70s run In 1969, when David Bowie was just another was marked by unpredictability, the 80s and struggling London songwriter desperate for a 90s were more transparently reactionary, with break, he shot a promotional film to showcase his Bowie eventually following particularly dramatic “In 1969, when David Bowie was just another trends rather than leading brand of performance. struggling London songwriter desperate for a (or ignoring) them. But this is Along with a handful break, he shot a promotional film to showcase his what happens to rock stars, of songs-- including an particularly dramatic brand of performance.” right? They age, they wither, early version of “Space Oddity” in which a tinfoil- and they eventually play 30-year-old songs to helmeted Bowie is seduced by a couple of space 50-year-old people who are doing their best to sirens-- the reel included an original mime piece avoid nostalgia’s bittersweet aftertaste while called “The Mask”. It shows Bowie, looking like the nursing an $11 Bud in the back of a basketball least intimidating pirate of all-time in tight white arena. Bowie could’ve gone that route. He didn’t. tights, a frilly top, and a pageboy wig, stealing Musically, The Next Day isn’t as radical or dreary, an invisible mask and proceeding to charm his family, co-workers, and eventually entire concert as it bounces around from style to style, casually suggesting past greatness while rarely matching halls by simply placing it on his face. it. The production is clean and crisp, almost To put it mildly, this self-aware attraction to to a fault, leaving little room for the off-kilter reinvention has served him well. In the 1970s, spontaneity that highlights Bowie’s best work; he rifled through looks, genres, and band it’s no coincidence that two of the album’s best members without hesitation, from space-age moments, on the “Dirty Boys” and the “Boss of glam, to cocaine funk, to harrowing ambience, to name a few. In more modern terms, consider Me”, feature glorious sax solos from longtime collaborator Steve Elson. Too often, though, the Radiohead’s whiplash transformation between OK Computer and Kid A... and then consider how instrumentation sounds museum-ready.

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

CD REVIEW

BY: Jeff Clutterbuck


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club 1231 Airport Rd South, Allentown, PA 18109 610-433-3311 Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 3/16-17 St. Pat’s Pty Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd, 610-769-4600 3/15 The BC Combo 3/16 Hoozya Daddy Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Tuesday Nights: Karaoke w/DJ Troy 3/15 Red / Amadaun 3/16 Rausher & Kaligis / Back 2 Life Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment

Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

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Strange Brew Tavern 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night Sunday: Open mic 3/15 Another Lousy Cover Band 3/16 Hattrick

BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670

BETHLEHEM

Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama

MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Baseball Thurday: DJ@10pm Sat: BOGO Burgers Sunday: Football

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 3/13 Will Kiss U 3/14 Start Making Rent 3/15 The Heavy Beat 3/16 The Pedestrians 3/17 St. Pat’s Party 3/18 Open Mic 3/19 Modern Romance Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Jukebox Thursday: Karaoke Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Karaoke Sunday: Karaoke Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300

Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St 610-297-7410 3/15 DJ Dangerous Dan (610) 770-1444 3/16 DJ Cova 3/15 After Parade Party Tally Ho 205 W. Fourth St Jetport Lounge 610-865-2591 3400 Airport Rd. St. Patricks Weekend Allentown, Pa In the Valley 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am March 15th - 17th $5 Green Pitchers DJ Jimmy K $2 Green Pints Fridays: $1 Jello Shots Mike Mitman

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 3/13 DJ Micke Styles 3/14 GoGo Gadjet 3/15 The Benjamins 3/16 Emily’s Toybox 3/17 Brian Kirk & Jirks 3/18 Nowhere Slow 3/19 Lucky 7 Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 3/17 Amos Band / Jamal Knight / Jus Smith St. Pat’s Day Party

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 3/15 On the Road 3/16 Blackwater 3/17 Glengarry Bhoys

St. Patricks Party 3/15 Drinky’s Easton, PA

Emily’s Toybox 3/16 Molten Lounge Sands Casino Bethlehem, PA

CATASAQUA

Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550

COOPERSBURG

Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010 3/15-17 St. Patty’s Party Weekend!

BARTONSVILLE The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 3/13 Gary O’ Dillon 3/16 “3” St. Pat’s Bash

EASTON Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ 3/16 St. Patty’s Day Party, Free Buffett Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 Wed: Pong Night $100 First Place 3/15 St. Patricks Party w/ DJ Zee Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 3/13 Irish Jam 3/14 Yan Carlos Sanchez 3/15 Flux Capacitor 3/16 Selectronics

St.Patricks Day Party 3/16 -17 Tilted Kilt Allentown, PA

DJ Cova 3/16 Vision Bar Bethlehem, PA

MORE ON PAGE 21

Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013


august 2-11, 2013

Tickets: artsquest.org | 610-332-3378

Peter Frampton, B.B. King and Sonny Landreth!

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

On Sale This Friday, 10 am

AUG 10

Sands Steel Stage at PNC Plaza sponsored by B104

AUG 5

$59 | $44

Sands Steel Stage at PNC Plaza sponsored by Pennsylvania Housing Finance Agency and 99.9 The Hawk

$54 | $39

Easter Brunch The Jetport Restaurant & Lounge Located @The Days Hotel 3400 Airport Road Allentown, PA 18109

HOT FARE • Almond Crusted Chicken Breast • Salmon Filet • Vegetable Lasagna • Oven Roasted Potatoes • Rice Pilaf • Butternut Squash • Green Bean Almondine Carving Station • Smoked Ribeye • Glazed Ham Beverages • Freshly Brewed Coffee • Decaffeinated Coffee • Specialty Teas • Assorted Sodas & Juices Cash Bar • Premium & House Liquors • Domestic & Imported Beer • House Wines

COLD FARE • Broccoli Salad • Italian Antipasto • Caesar Salad • Spring Mix • Curry Chicken Salad • Fresh Fruit

EASTER BUNNY TO MAKE A SCHEDULED VISIT!

Adults: $24.95 Children 4-10: $12.95 Senior Citizens: $22.95

Plus 20% Gratuity & 6% State Tax

et Mom, Don’t Forg ur Mother’s O t ou Ab Inquire Prizes! & ch Day Brun

BREAKFAST FARE • Scrambled Eggs • Blueberry Studded French Toast • Apple-wood Smoked Bacon • Sausage • Breakfast Potatoes • Assorted muffins, breakfast breads, bagels, & pastries Chef Attended Omelet & Waffle Station Desserts • NY Style Cheesecake • Triple Chocolate Cake • Assorted Cookies & Brownies

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“Make Your Own Sundae” Bar • With Vanilla & Chocolate Ice Cream • With Variety of Toppings • Whipped Cream & Hot Fudge


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013 Page 18

BETHLEHEM EXPLOSION? BY: Tyler Drake

With the trial of Jodi Arias, the thirty-two-year- So what happened? Were these drug old hottie accused of stabbing and shooting her manufacturers tipped off about the raid, lover, winding down after its salacious peak — I setting in motion a place to dynamite the lab? spent about three hours watching analysis of Probably not: five people in the house were the testimony in a terrified state of arousal (I injured by the explosion, so if the explosion was imagine the transcripts are both more explicit intentional it was at the very least triggered and better-written than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’) prematurely. Because it involves a series of — something needed to happen. Of course the steps with flammable and corrosive chemicals, perfect thing to happen would be the leaking there are multiple ways that the production of of a sextape featuring Jodi Arias and OJ “The methamphetamine can go wrong and lead to an Juice” Simpson. Were such a killer erotic video explosion. A method common among criminal to hit the internet, it could cause a tear in the groups in Australia can create a toxic byproduct very fabric of the blogosphere, and any media called white phosphorous that is extremely that came to close to it, be it talk show or tweet, flammable. Some methods produce hydrogen would never escape to the event’s horizon. In gas, and if you are familiar with the Hindenburg contrast, probably the worst thing that could disaster you know that is dangerous. And more happen would be a production of ‘Urinetown’ recently, a shake-n-bake method has taken the gone bad, one with a creative director who world of toothless junkies and the criminals who was into audience participation and ushers supply them by storm, an easy method but one who handed out raincoats to people in the first that risks exposing pressurized lithium to the air couple of rows (actually I saw ‘Urinetown’ at and starting a flash fire. Lehigh and it was quite good — and thankfully the only showers were of “The evidence available to Supporting the methapplause at the end). theory, the public suggests that this lab-gone-wrong two police officers who was not an ordinary house responded to the blast As if on cue to break this postor a random explosion.” received chemical burns Arias-testimony lull, a basement exploded in and inhaled noxious fumes and the Pennsylvania Bethlehem. The blast, in the basement of the State Police Clandestine Unit was called in to house at 1965 Greenleaf Street, just south of decontaminate the scene. Authorities are not yet Freedom High School and between Linden Street confirming this version. and Easton Avenue, occurred at three in the morning and woke up a quiet neighborhood. Production of methamphetamine, sometimes called shabu or crank or crystal or scanté, may The evidence available to the public suggests have ramped up recently to fill the need left by the government ban on bath salts, a lunatic that this was not an ordinary house or a random explosion. Apparently, a joint two-month drug responsible for demon sightings and the slaughter of at least one pygmy goat. Taken in investigation between the Bethlehem Township high doses, the drug induces euphoria and mania, police force and the Northampton County Drug and eventually the user can become something Task Force (NCDTF, motto: “always DTF with like a zombie: shambling around in rags, biting evidence”) had concentrated on one person in people, hanging out in abandoned houses. How the house, and were going to raid it later that should society combat this scourge? I say, the morning. They had connected this person to second Jodi Arias gets off, we should send a methamphetamine sales. white bronco to that courthouse.


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

JUNE 18TH

700 PENN ST. READING, PA FOR INFO:WWW.SOVEREIGNCENTER.COM OR 610-898-7469

tickets on sale this saturday 10am at ticketmaster.com, charge-by-phone 800.745.3000. All ticketmaster retail locations and the sovereign center box office. PAGE 19

VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

24 Taps

STARTERS CLUBHOUSE St. Patrick's Weekend Specials

Available Friday March 15-Sunday March 17 •Potato and Leek Soup •Black and Tan Onion Rings (Guinness & Harp Batter) •Irish Nachos w/ Jameson BBQ Sauce •Dubliner Burger w/ Irish Whiskey Cheese •Guinness Irish Stew •Corned Beef Brisket Reuben

St. Patrick's Day

St. Pat's Sunday March 17 BRUNCH 8:00am-2:00pm Reservations Recommended 400 Illicks Mill Rd - Bethlehem (610) 625-0060 • www.starters-clubhouse.com at the Bethlehem Golf Course

UFC

Diaz St. Pierre vs h 16 Saturday Marc 10:00pm

STARTERS PUB St. Patrick's Weekend Specials

Available Friday March 15-Sunday March 17 •Smoked Salmon and Dill Creme Fraiche Potato Pancake •Potato and Leek Soup •Irish Beef Stew w/ Guinness Gravy •Corned Beef and Cabbage TRIVIA •Shepherd's Pie NIGHT •Fish and Chips Wednesdays, 7:30 pm •Irish Mac 'n Cheese w/ Bacon $7 Sandwiches $3 Sam Adams Select Beer Bottles

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$2 March 15-March 17

3731 Route 378 - Bethlehem (610) 997-5454 www.starterspub.com

www.strangebrewtavern.co 610-841-3610

Featuring a wide array of domestic, import, micro & craft Brews Entertainment This Week: Wed Mar 13 – Fahad & Kelly Fri Mar 15 – Another Lousy Cover Band Sat Mar 16 – Hattrick Sunday – Open Mic Night

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WAT CH A L THE GAM L HER ES E


ARIES Your alternative ideas are far superior -- just make sure you’re not too cocky about it when you unleash them on the world! Then be sure you’ve got your priorities straight around Wednesday and Thursday. If what you’re about to do gives you an uneasy feeling -- or if you think it might give someone else one -- stop and make time to think and feel it through. You might want to wait ‘til Friday anyway, because this weekend you will be unstoppable. It sounds corny, but if you can dream it, you can do it. Rock on! TAURUS Dreaming of the future consumes you --not just of flying saucers and teleportation technology, but also, for example, what you will look like in the future, what kind of job you’ll have, who you’ll be spending your life with. You might want to talk this stuff over with a friend. On Wednesday and Thursday, pacing is a primary theme -- are you going too fast or not fast enough? -- but Friday finds you content and longing for meaningful interaction. The future is suddenly not nearly as interesting to you as is the present. Shopping figures into your weekend. GEMINI On the one hand, you’re frustrated about your career and dreaming of making a change. On the other hand, everything is too blurry to do anything about it. Communicate your feelings another day, when you’ll be able to articulate them better. For example, on Wednesday when you’re surrounded by friends who’d love to be asked for advice. Thursday is a great day too, but Friday and Saturday require the utmost focus on your part. You are able to do a million things at once, and that is a rare skill. A flirtatious exchange on Sunday makes you feel like a new balloon. CANCER Go ahead and let the unknown surprise and delight you. Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to put yourself in new situations and see how you respond. No wonder philosophy is on your mind. Wednesday and Thursday are cerebral days as well, although they’re also fairly emotional days; don’t speak before thinking and don’t take anything personally, if you can help it. Friday and Saturday are charmed -- and you’ll have the chance to charm others, probably in a dinner-party situation -and Sunday you’re as busy as a bee.

LEO Sometimes pictures of products on the Internet can be deceiving. Do some more research -- even more Internet research -- before typing in your credit card number. Tuesday brings you more evidence that no amount of new gadgetry can solve certain problems, and Wednesday and Thursday are so full of learning you feel like you’re in school again. Even the trees seem to have something to teach you. On Friday and Saturday your search for answers about your career comes up empty, but Sunday afternoon with friends puts everything in perspective.

CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER

SCORPIO You and your friends are birds of a feather, and you’re the front tip of the formation. You love making decisions about which electric wires to fly to next -- you truly love the flock -- but you also have goals that have nothing to do with the rest of your pals. When a conflict arises on Wednesday and Thursday, make a conscious effort to support someone else’s plan. It may be something of a sacrifice for you, but it will also absolve you of responsibility. On Friday and Saturday, more compromise is required; but on Sunday you’ll get to fly solo. Just stay out of trouble.

Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd

SAGITTARIUS You’re having trouble getting the engine to turn over on this week. You have gas. You have the right keys. You’re doing what you usually do, but you’re not getting the results you usually get. How annoying! Tuesday will be like this, too. Don’t sweat it. Wednesday and Thursday, the opposite will be true. The most impossible-seeming tasks are a snap. Crazy! Friday and Saturday, make sure the lines of communication are wide open and avail yourself to anyone who needs you. Then, on Sunday, shut off the phone. You deserve a break. You deserve a hammock!

Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 3/16 Reaction

CAPRICORN Maybe it’s time to clear the sheets off the bed and create a play on your mattress. Bring in a lamp from the living room. String up some decorations. The more creative you are the first half of the week, the better. The second half of the week, your total lack of creative outlets stalls you. Your family needs you. Your boss needs you. Who doesn’t need you? Friday and Saturday, an opportunity to whip out a box of crayons presents itself, and you nearly explode with happiness. Then, on Sunday, your creativity takes an intellectual turn. AQUARIUS Your credit card is maxed and you can only find about fifteen cents between the couch cushions. Is this cause for a personal crisis? Wednesday you’ll have developed such a taste for tuna sandwiches (you’ll have gotten it down to a technique, with capers and everything) that you won’t mind. Thursday is full of advanced ideas and altruism, and Friday and Saturday are marked by huge leaps forward in your understanding of your family. Sunday is stuffed with love. Hotsy-totsy! PISCES You are happiest when you’re helping someone else out. Not that you like your friends to be sad, it’s just that, when they are sad, you like to be the one who can make them happier. Have you considered a clown costume? Wednesday and Thursday are filled with riddles and puzzles -- many of them of your own devising -- and Friday is about the softer side of life (it’s a day full of moisturizers). On Saturday, write someone a love letter, and on Sunday, enjoy some poetry. Or music. Or heck, even TV. Let yourself be entertained.

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Karaoke/Billiards Thursday: DJ B-Rad Fridays: DJ Statik 3/16 Toga Party Band

QUAKERTOWN

McCooles Red Lion Inn 4 South Main Street 215-538-1776

The Eagle Hotel 201 East Broad Street 215-536-3316

READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200 Brass Lantern 1350 N 12th St 610-372-9311

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

MACUNGIE The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 3/16 Neon Fusion 9:30 - 1am

OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 3/15 Appalachian Gypsy tribe 3/16 Romeo Vegas St.Pats Pty

CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 3/16 Philly Rock & Soul 3/17 Barley Juice Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373

PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night Amateur Night April 3rd

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 3/13 Open Mic Night 3/15 Karen Meeks & Soul 3/16 George Wesley Band 3/17 The Pocono Duo 3/19 Christian Porter

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

St. Patty’s Day Bash - Check out Neon Fusion at The Long Swamp Tavern in Macungie This Saturday!

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VIRGO The stacks of paper in your living room and bedroom are so daunting that you practically need a sailboat to get from this side of the room to that. Reorganizing your life on this week brings you solace, but it also draws your attention to how much more disorganized other people are than you. Don’t feel like you have to straighten up someone else’s desk -- let them be messy. Is it really that important? On Wednesday and Thursday you only want to devote energy to things that really matter. This weekend, what matters to you is compatibility. You and a friend have a date. Expect a deep conversation

LIBRA You and you-know-who are almost a circus act at this point. You have incredible chemistry. Duality is a big theme, and flexibility is key. Wednesday and Thursday are also decidedly relationship-oriented -- not just romantic relationships, but also your one-on-one relationships at home, at work and at the gym. Friday is packed with beauty and wonders -- and anxieties about a certain partnership that seems to be running afoul (life is like this, the good comes with the bad) -- but Saturday is as harmonious as a duet and Sunday is sprightly.

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

ZODIAC


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

0 4 . 3 0 . 1 3 MOHEGAN SUN ARENA 255 HIGHLAND PARK BLVD WILKES-BARRE, PA

WWW.MOHEGANSUNARENAPA.COM

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tickets on sale this saturday 10am at ticketmaster.com, charge-by-phone 800.745.3000. All ticketmaster retail locations and in person at the pennstar box office at the arena. VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET


THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

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Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common? A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going! Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex? A: During sex cuz he’s plugged up to the knowledge source=:) Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? A: They can’t stand to see a man have a good time! Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me im going in! A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian....” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?” Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel’s pierced? That’s because its a handy place to hang the air freshener. Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent.... Answer: Wedding cake. Q: How do you properly fuck a fat woman? A: Role her around in flower and find the wet spot! Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes. Q: What’s the smallest hotel in the world? A: a pussy, because you have to leave the bags outside. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: He wiped his ass Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut? A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.

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Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame? A: It’s a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out. Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out? A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!

READ THE MOBILE VERSION OF THE VALLEY BEAT ON FACEBOOK

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

JOKES


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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013


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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

SILHOUETTES Show Bar Open 7 days a week 12pm-2am

Pool tables, fully nude, full bar & food menu, fully stocked bar plus draft specials daily! Couples always welcome

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St. Patty’s Party Weekend 9-11 FRI, SAT & SUN

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013


MARY KELLY

Sean Sohl - Dragon Ink Photography - Dragon Ink LLC

SEE MORE PHOTOS ONLINE WWW.THEVALLEYBEAT.COM

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 13, 2013

MODEL BEAT

Age: 22 Hometown: Easton, PA

Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com

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What do you do to make $$? I am certified massage therapist. I’m also a model, Actress and Coor’s Promo Model. Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Single How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? Contact My Agent www.DonatelliModels.Com 610-921-5582 Ask for Randy! Where was your best vacation destination? I’m a big kid at heart so, I will never forget spending Christmas at Disney. What do you do to relax? I love to take a long, bubble baths, and drink wine. What sports do you watch the most? Football and wrestling. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Long Island Ice Tea. What happens to be your worst vice? I can be dangerously impulsive but I’m working on that. It takes me a while to dress mostly because of the Curves I have to slow down for. What is your best feature? My legs and smile. What TV show do you never miss each week? I have never missed an episode of Boardwalk Empire. What movie would you recommend to our readers?. Shutter Island. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Explore Europe and Ride Horses on the beaches of Mexico. What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers. I posed nude 4 Playboy Special Editions, Several TV Spots and will be FEATURED in the Wolf of Wall Street 2013. What do you sleep in? My birthday suit ;) What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? “Crude & Disrespectful”. Your Clothes would look great on my Bed Room Floor. What do want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? I Like to be Treated Like the Class Act Lady that I am and, I Love to be Romanced.



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