[The Stute] April 1, 2024 (Issue 22, Volume CXXI)

Disclaimer: the contents of this edition are satire or is it...?

Cult Seen

Dragging Students to Humps Basement

by ethan kleschinsky, local kook

Reports have surfaced this week of several students seeing their peers being dragged with bags over their heads into the basement of the Humps Dormitory. The Snevets Police Department have received multiple calls this week regarding the in cidents, but when asked by reporters have refused to make any comments on the situation. It is unknown what response, if any, the school is preparing in lieu of these recent events.

As word spreads, there has been a lot of speculation over the beliefs held by the organization taking refuge in the basement of the dorm.

None of the students taken have been identified for further questioning, so all existing theories are more or less hearsay. The current front runner theory is that they are praying to Alexander C. Humps, the individual the dorm hall is named after, and second president of Snevets. This theory does not have much backing aside from the location in which the cult has been tied to.

There has also been imagery discovered on campus around the same time the cult first surfaced referring to “The Sons of the Nile,” which may refer to President Humps two sons, who tragically drowned in the Nile River in 1901.

Humps residents have shared their perspective on what it has been like to live in the dorm since this organization has surfaced. Some frequent responses reporters received was that there was semi-frequent screaming heard from the basement in the middle of the night. We spoke to one resident who said that his roommate was doing laundry one night, and never returned. The resident shared his concerns for his roommate, but also shared that he has really been enjoying his room to himself and said, “maybe the cult isn’t entirely a bad thing.”

With mixed reviews on the existence of this organization lingering within the hallowed halls of the dormitory, it is hard to predict what Snevets will do in response to the reports. Until action is taken, the general populous is recommending to stay away from the Humps basement for the time being. Without access to the laundry room, Humps has been stinkier than normal. Without being asked, some residents have used this as an opportunity to stop bathing as well. This may have the dual purpose of not allowing the cult to indoctrinate new members, and may also flush them out with the stench. Only time will tell.

NEWS (2-3)

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FEATURES (4-8)

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HASS RENAMED HTITS

Heads up on room checks: drawers and closets now checked!

by tanya avadia, money launderer

Effective today, ResLife now has the right to check all drawers, cabinets, and closets. The decision was taken by ResLife in effort to promote and reaffirm safety on campus. ResLife states in their communication with students that it was a really easy decision to reach simply because anything can be done in the name

of “safety.” While there isn’t any direct communication on how the room inspections process will change, students strongly believe that if Snevets implements this policy, all students should be present while their unit is being searched.

On the topic of student opinion, The Stupe wanted to get more insight on the matter from a student perspective, but no on-campus resident was available for an

South Tower Dedicated: Balles Tower

by kevin castner jr., dilf

I would like to dedicate this article to all of my fellow Ducks who, to this day, do not know the North Tower is really Harries Tower. Luckily for you lot, there will be another huge, gaudy sign on campus for you to ignore! Contrary to popular belief, both Towers had alumni lining up, cash in hand, to donate. Oddly, the Board of Trustees screened donors by last name, regardless of their promised contributions. While The Stupe has not been able to view the meeting minutes, it is alleged that the more seasoned board members seeked to capture the “phallic” spirit of Snevets at its roots. Consequently, there has been much delay in finding a suitable donor for the South Tower. The two frontrunners were Jacques M. Balles ‘68 and William Hard Shaft ‘70. In what can only be described as a “money” measuring con test, Balles and Shaft

OPINION (9-11)

entered a fierce bidding war, throwing money at Snevets almost as fast as student athletes do at sports betting. Ultimately, Balles won out, donating a girthy 68.999 million dollars to Snevets. Fret not, dear reader, for William did not entirely lose out. Coming to the 7th Floor of Howe in 2025, is the Hard Shaft Lounge, “A space for students and faculty alike to relax, unwind, and toss off their loads.”

With both Towers now named, there have been calls to rename the UCC entirely. This renaming would help alleviate the confusion when referring to either the Student Center or the Residential Towers section of the UCC. Given their construction, the Harries and Balles Towers would be known as the “Scrapers.” Renowned for its nap spots, the Student Center would be referred to as “The Sack.” The entirety of the complex would then go by Har -

People with opinions These are totally normal opinion columns where opinionated

CAMPUS PULSE (12)

Everyone’s favorite section We know you all just skip to this page to look at roving and do the puzzles.

interview as they were all scrambling to hide their air fryers and graveyards. The Snevets parents Facebook page has turned into a marketplace for students trying to sell their “not-supposed-to-have-in-yourdorm” items. Therefore, if you are an off-campus student and want a rice cooker or other items, be sure to check out the Facebook page!

HHUH, and CAL. The option of merging HASS into SES and calling it a day was also considered. Dean Dean Snu promptly refused, stating, “I would rather sit through every single Senior Design pre-

sentation from the School of

The final decision was, of course, in the hands of the Board of Trustees. At a board meeting in Australia, since Florida was decidedly far too close to Hoboken, HASS was renamed HTITS. Pronounced “60k tuition really isn’t that bad for a philosophy degree,”

vation, Tits, and Sociology more accurately captures the cutting-edge research and “whatever else they do in that Morton building.” It’s not just the board that is pleased with the change. The student body has been generally receptive to the change as well. The name change also comes with the minting of a new motto for the school that all Ducks can rally behind; “We are the tits!”

Rumors of “Gateway East” permeate campus

by david van hise, stuper

The appearance of a third wing of the Gateway building would certainly be noteworthy — if such claims could be substantiated. Rumors of a so-called “Gateway East” have only picked up steam over the last month, despite there being no tangible proof of such a building.

The Stupe has interviewed several who claimed to have encountered Gateway East. One recounted, “I saw a new building the other day — I didn’t think too much of it. To be honest, I’ve kind of lost track of all

the construction that’s been going on. I tried to go inside but as soon as I did I woke up in my bed.

Very disconcerting.” This anecdote could not be independently verified.

The suggestions of amenities and services housed within Gateway East are even more outrageous. A second Amazon Go, staffed by Jeff Bezos himself; a tunnel to the Rocco building; and even a secret ‘Liberaler Arts’ Department, featuring majors such as “Reality Shifting,” “Uncreative Arts,” and “Psychology 2.”

Apparently, most who have (allegedly) successfully found their way in-

side of Gateway East have never been seen again. One Gateway East “survivor” recounted a massive laboratory with a capacity of one. Another spoke of hallways and staircases that overlapped with each other. A third urgently described how they were stuck in a conference room for years, but only minutes had passed in the real world.

The Stupe would like to reiterate that these claims of the existence of Gateway East have not yet been proven, and likely never will. Even so, if you see the entrance to a mysterious building in any context, it is advised that you DO NOT enter it.

real screenshot taken by abby jacobs via google street view

abby jacobs for the stupe graphic also by:

Masthead

Volume CXXI No. Taylor Swift

Executive Board - we’re in the middle of a transition so there’s a lot lol boss woman........................................isabella ziv ‘25 money launderer.............................tanya avadia ‘26 chair manager.......................................ava wang ‘25 [barely] managing editor 2.0...........arthur serra ‘27 layoutcretary...............................nicole giardino ‘25 layout wizard 2.0..........................jiya jaisinghani ‘27 the janitor...................................kayden cannoli ‘24 internet explorer ��paparazzi ................................ ..........................rafael lee li ‘25 and abby jacobs ‘27 swammer........................................claire hannan ‘24 never makes misstakes...................keenan yates ‘24 human spell check 2.0/onion....evan papageorge ‘26

MINOR Board

inside scoop..................................ben knobloch ‘25 mad scientist.....................................erin mcgee ‘25 professional baller.......................ruthie mullisky ‘26 the specialist..................................tasha khosla ‘25 old man.....................................kevin castner jr. ‘24 check your pulse editor................mia petrolino ‘25

Layout Team

layout minion..................................liz sepulveda ‘27 layout minion......................................shreya roy ‘27

Staff & Contributors

david van hise

ethan kleschinsky zackary horton

shane mitchell

madison heller sophie patz daniel hogan sara wolf jack piccirillo

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jack scherban austin schlake danielle tuiran

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jared donnelly

Fake News

Snevets commencement to be virtual

by evan papageorge, human spell check

As the commencement ceremony date quickly approaches 2024, the administration has released a concerning announcement for this upcoming spring: commencement will take place over Zoom this year following many issues in the past years and while letting graduating students reminiscent of their high school graduation over Zoom in the height of the pandemic.

As announced by Snevets

President Narfarvar, there has been much consideration from the disasters of commencement last year with an outbreak of COVID-1870 leading to a complete bottleneck of the Snevets Just-Okay Center and a majority of students having to leave Bohoken to avoid the onslaught of post-senioritis. Due to these issues, Narfarvar has decided to commence over Zoom for students. At the same time, parents must navigate a Discord video chat, which Snevets will post to DuckLink (the old one).

As a bonus to this news, Sne-

vets hopes that the graduating seniors will also be sentimental about their time graduating during the pandemic over Zoom. With all hopes, the sentimentalism of being unable to be with their friends and family during such a monumental time will distract students from last year’s disastrous commencement ceremony.

Narfarvar hopes students will understand the need to regroup after last year and see the bright side of a virtual commencement without needing to travel back to Bohoken.

Cloudy with a chance of conspirancy

by zackary horton, stuper

Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early spring, but Snevets said no. This year the groundhog woke up and told all of America that the weather would begin to warm, ending the most terribly mild winter in the last 100 years. I will prove to you in this article that Snevets not only has had a motive to make this not the case, but also the means.

Have you ever heard of silver iodide? It rings a bell, right?

Well, that is because Snevets has the largest stockpile of silver iodide in the world and chooses to flaunt that fact on every tour they give. The tour

guides can never quite explain why we have it or what it’s for though. Well, I looked it up and found that it is used for cloud seeding. To condense droplets of water in the air into clouds. I did some on-site investigative reporting to find out that the Silver Iodide is stored in enormous chambers between McLean, just a block or two away from the Environmental Engineering department.

Now that we have the means, what is the motive? Snevets has been erecting a water fountain between Palmer and Howe to spruce up campus but in the meantime, it has only been an eyesore for students walking to our gorgeous dining hall and Snevets knows this. They have

Notes from a daily Scrum

by ben knobloch, inside scoop

Editor’s note: This is documentation purporting to contain notes from a so-called “Scrum,” that arcane and masochistic ritual particular to certain breeds of software engineer. Reader discretion is advised.

Alright guys, we only have this weekend before the end of our first Sprint.

Why do we have to meet every day for this project again?

Well, today’s our Daily Scrum. Tomorrow we need to have the Reflection meeting, and then there’s the Retrospective meeting.

EN: Here the “Scrum team,” like other cults, employs inane jargon to obscure its intents. Software engineers are particularly susceptible to this condition, called logorrhea. A Sprint appears to refer to some kind of divinely inspired initiative of the group, although further details are unknown.

What’s our progress looking

like? We have to submit the Client Brief by Monday.

Well, uh.... we have our repository made.

EN: This means that they have no progress. This is dangerous, as a Scrum team behind on its work is desperate and extremely unpredictable.

What are we gonna do? We need to give the Client something but we haven’t done s—.

EN: The “Client” is the deity figure of the Scrum group, inspiring fealty but also commanding great fear, awe, and distrust. This belief system comes in many variations. This particular Scrum group observes a second deity, of which we are about to see evidence.

How could the Professor make the due date this soon? We’re totally screwed.

EN: There it is — the PROFESSOR. This figure orchestrates the actions of the Scrum group, which always obeys, albeit with profound resentment. It appears to be the malevolent

tinyurl.com/stutesubmit

been cooling off the weather to keep students indoors and away from this ugly part of campus.

I can promise you that right as the fountain is finished, the weather will warm back up, just as the administration planned. Clearly, Snevets has both a means and a motive to control the weather, now it’s time for the meat and potatoes, how they’re doing it. Snevets has been seeding clouds off the coast of North Carolina, decreasing the temperature of the air over the ocean which then gets blown up the coast to cool down Hoboken. This has given us a March that was just about the same temperature as January –an anomaly of anomalies for the tri-state area.

counterpart of the Client.

Oh god, we’re gonna have to grind all weekend.

I was supposed to go home tomorrow!

EN: The Scrum practicer appears to be communicating with one of the deities by invoking the phrase “Oh god.” Great religious summits between the team and the Client are chronicled in THE AGILE MANIFES-

TO, the sacred text of these groups. Under their tenets, the vaguely-defined “Agility” is considered the highest virtue.

This is so bad. We had only two weeks to do this. How can we possibly finish in time?

This class is torture.

EN: Aha! The Scrum practitioners perceive themselves to already be in Hell.

That’s it. I’m switching to Business.

EN: They may very well be right.

graphic by abby jacobs

Who needs S.S. Snevets?

Defective 737 to become dorm

by ben knobloch, inside scoop

The recent petition to restore the old floating dorm to the Hudson may have ended in failure, but loath to disappoint, President Narfarvar announced something even more unique: A Boeing 737 will be turned into new first-year housing. The socalled Snevets 737, taking off in time for Fall 2024, signals that our institution’s commitment to resourceful innovation remains steadfast.

The administration purchased the aircraft from Alaska Airlines at a discount price, and it will come in prime condition, sans one unneeded door plug. The narrow-body craft is sure to accommodate new students in luxury style, says Narfarvar.

The option will be priced above that of the towers at the following rates:

Standard (economy room): $10,000 / sem.

Standard deluxe (economy+ room): $13,000 / sem.

Deluxe (first class): $15,000 / sem.

The fuselage will be divided into spacious double rooms more than three seats wide and two rows long. In lieu of closet space, there will be ample overhead storage available. Belongings that don’t fit inside the

new rooms may be checked for minor additional cost. The cockpit will be transformed into a comfortable lounge with sweeping views of the Howe Center, and students may venture onto the wings for additional common space. Students lined Wittpenn Walk this Thursday to watch Attila land the Snevets 737 on Schoofer Lawn; he received three hours of special flight training just for the event. The audience gasped when Attila almost missed the makeshift corkboard runway, but huge cheers rang around campus when the plane finally touched down; The Borch Tearers statue was an unfortunate casualty of the afternoon.

Looking to further expand student housing options in a frugal manner, Snevets is also in discussion with SpaceX to acquire a burnt-out Starship hull and with the U.S. government for that shot-down Chinese spy balloon.

At press time, the opening date for the Snevets 737 was pushed back by a year. A source close to the matter was set to provide additional information to The Stupe, but he was found dead in his Palmer dorm room this morning. In a press release, Narfarvar simply said that construction was experiencing unexpected turbulence.

graphic by liz sepulveda

graphic by ava wang

graphic by liz sepulveda

graphic by abby jacobs

graphic by kevin casnter jr.

Monday, April 1

Campooos Improoove-

Blast from the past: Stop vaping, start smokin cigs again

by doug sousa, car guy?!?!?

Vaping is a phenomenon that has skyrocketed in popularity over the past few years. As of July 2023, a study from health journal Respiratory Care shows that over a third of college students use electronic nicotine delivery devices. This is absolutely unacceptable. Vaping has been shown to impair brain development, harm the respiratory system, and just doesn’t look that cool anymore.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – ahh cigarettes have some of the same negative side effects as vaping and are even more addictive than vapes! Boohoo, womp womp, whatever. Smoking cigs looks way cooler! People don’t even care about cigarettes anymore! When’s the last time you saw an anti-smoking ad? The government only cares about vaping now, so let’s fight that.

So, how can we accomplish this? I propose that the university puts free cigarette dispensers in every bathroom and

In order to combat this epidemic, the St*te is spearheading a movement to put an end to vaping on the Snevets campus. To accomplish this seemingly impossible feat, we are working to redirect these delinquent vapers to an alternative habit: smoking cigarettes.

Breaking news: Dave’s Hall will not be destroyed

by meghana mamadapur, staff righter

It’s official – Dave’s Hall will not be destroyed anytime soon. This was confirmed on Monday, March 25, by “Anonymous” on Fizz. At this time, we are still awaiting a statement from President Narfarvar.

“Anonymous” has it on good authority that a member of President Narfarvar’s cabinet confirmed that Dave’s will indefinitely remain standing on campus. The source states the main reason for keeping Dave’s is that the beauty would otherwise be lost. When looking deeply into this historical site, we can determine that there is a lot to lose. Dave’s boasts a phenomenal kitchen on the first floor. When breathing in through your mouth only, the kitchen is bearable, and you can stay there for over 20 seconds without having the urge to throw up. The cabinet member also confirmed that a new communal sponge for washing dishes will be provided. This state-of-the-art kitchen and its associated smells live to haunt more generations of students. The second floor of Dave’s also has a spacious area right next to the lobby, providing

students with the perfect place to have some privacy. The large couch is a staple that gives students a place to cry, eat, sleep, and get yelled at by their parents. This lounge and its lack of doors in the most trafficked area in Dave’s add a charm that cannot be replaced. Another invaluable part of Dave’s is the concept of having no elevators. This idea was implemented as an initiative by the university to encourage students to exercise frequently. For students willing to participate in this initiative, they are placed on the fourth and fifth floors of the building. They are forced to carry heavy items by hand, incorporating the StairMaster and weight lifting at the same time. With fire drills at 4 a.m., students on the top floors will also be extremely active throughout the quiet hours.

Thanks to “Anonymous,” students are now aware that Snevets will not be losing the magnetic energy of Dave’s. The structure will be open to house eager, naive first-year students for many decades to come. As Dave’s continues to live, we can conclude that new traditions will settle into the endless rows of white walls.

ABIGAIL JACOBS, DAVE’S HALL #1 FAN

ensure they’re stocked, unlike the free tampons and pads in the popular bathrooms on campus (looking at you, UCC first floor restroom). Further, students should have access to these vital cigarettes at any time on campus, without needing to run to a restroom. All firstyears will be required to have AT LEAST one pack of ciggies on them at all times, and they will also be required to distribute them to any senior itching for a fix on their walk to class. Offering a free lighter is a given. If you have any ideas to help us in the fight against vaping, make sure to submit them using that silly little QR code on the bottom of the front page.

Glass to be polished, shined so more birds die

by justin bauman, stuper

Snevets’ campus is littered with countless avian corpses, consisting of more than 35 different unique flattened species. Almost all students have stumbled across one of these small, ill-fated feathered pancakes, and most students have had the same initial thought.

“This is awesome!”

Snevets is on the brink of an unprecedented “kill streak” as reported by self proclaimed bird denier Odiador de Pájaros. Odiador is a Hoboken resident who leads monthly de-birding walks through Hoboken, encouraging members of the community to join him in trekking around the Square-Mile-City with large tree limbs to be swung at avians. We were only able to make contact with Odiador through a written letter, and in response to our inquiries received an envelope that appeared to have feathers emerging from the seams (the envelope was not opened as advised by Barely Managing Editor Eva Wong).

Our exploration into this

one, lone, avian-hating-patriot has revealed a much larger movement involving an underground organization referred to as the Students Hating Avians Taskforce (SHAT). This is a group of both undergraduate and graduate students who have taken it upon themselves to lobby Residential Glass Services (RGS) to install mirrored windows on all campus buildings. SHATers have curried favor from select members of Snevets’ administration by pitching

them the idea of cutting dining costs by replacing the Pierce Dining Hall grilled chicken with “flattened avians”.

When asked for comment, President Narfarvar stated “I encourage every student to try something at least once, and grilled flattened avians are no exception.” SHAT has also pitched the idea of using collecting flattened avians from around campus as a punishment for violating the honor code (no comment was given by the Hon-

by jared donnelly, chomper

Maybe you’re a seasoned professional, maybe you’re a beginner, in either case you will have to learn some basic email etiquette. In our first lesson, we’ll discuss the two fields right below the “To” field: CC and BCC. A carbon copy, CC, is a method of sending individuals a copy of the email and identifying them to all of the recipients without being in the “To” field. For example, when you’re emailing the submission to your professor for a final group project, it is expected that you CC all your group mates (even if Pat

did none of the work). Unlike ‘BBC’, BCC has nothing to do with size or the British. A blind carbon copy is just like a carbon copy except those who are BCC’d are hidden from other recipients, including others that are BCC’d. For example, when sending out casting decisions for “The Office: The Musical: The Experience” it is unbecoming to CC all the talented actors you’ve rejected. They would be very sad. And probably unionize. Join us in future editions as we discuss how to communicate deadlines, the basics of schedule send, and for an interview with Master Proofreader, Kenald Wilsen.

Snevets to become an open container carry campus

by tanya avadia, money laundererer

Snevets has put out an official announcement stating that the campus will now be an open container campus. This means that the school is reverting back to its roots and is allowing alcohol consumption and the ability to carry alcohol freely on campus. This decision came as a surprise to many students, but they were more than willing to adapt to the new policy. Sightings of students openly carrying alcohol have increased exponentially since the statement was first put out. The student opinion on this topic appears to be positive, although the Stupe was unable to interview students as everyone was too busy hitting up the liquor stores.

The statement put out by

Snevets does include an interesting clause: in order to preserve the university’s dry status, open container access will be halted every year for one day, coincidentally on Founders’ Day. This means that Founders’ Day, which occurs on February 23, is the one day out of the entire year that openly carrying alcohol will not be permitted. The Stupe reached out to the Dean of Stoodents, Kenald Wilsen, to learn why the open container policy is barred on Founders’ Day, but it was not possible to reach him as he hasn’t been seen since the announcement. According to anonymous sources, Wilsen doesn’t agree with suspending the open container carry access on Founders’ Day, and this is his way of communicating his views.

The

photo courtesy of austin schlake

Monday, April 1

Stooodent Orgs

The most reputable newspa-

by madison heller, stuper

As the best, and only, newspaper on Snevets campus, The Stupe, has long been trusted as the prime source for “accurate information” for campus news. But recently, certain naysayers have been doubting the credibility of the humble school paper. It’s hard to imagine that after 200 years of service to this community the accuracy of The Stupe reporting is called into question. These negative Nancy’s are causing the community to doubt the position of The Stupe as a long cherished staple of the Snevets community. Well, the record here needs to be set straight. Here at The Stupe, we take our values of secrecy, misdirection, hiding in plain sight, and most importantly, honesty, very seriously. All articles that are published are fact checked by very real living humans.

The point is that The Stupe has a long history of providing news stories that only occasionally are complete hallucinations. Take for instance this week’s wonderful investigative piece about the extreme weather patterns we’ve seen. Though many already assumed that administration was controlling the weather, we now know for certain that they are. Or the now proven existence of building dwellers. You know, the group of students who after dark slip into the abandoned buildings unseen and live there at night hiding from roaming staff and unmentionable creatures.

Honestly, the people who doubt The Stupe credibility probably don’t even read it as thoroughly as they should. The paper recently uncovered that 90% of students didn’t even know we had a Gateway East. We pointed it out on a map, and after the initial look of horror and disbelief, they promptly forgot what they had just seen. I mean, obviously we couldn’t take them to the location, we’re not monsters.

Contrary to the common rumors circulating, Dave’s Hall is not getting destroyed. This is why you should get your information from a newspaper, and not your friend Dave. Yes he is lovely, but he actively is campaigning for Dave’s to be destroyed so that he doesn’t have to face competition for the most beautiful thing named Dave aware that’s given out everywhere. He’s come second to Dave’s Hall two years in a row, and he does not plan on going down without a fight. So trust The Stupe, we definitely don’t vote for Dave’s Hall every single year for The Most Beautiful Dave Award, we are perfectly unbiased to that gorgeous building. Of course, The Stupe is reporting on all news happening around on campus. As the number one weekly paper at Snevets we take pride in our work and do not like false detractors. Truth is a matter of perspective, and the view of The Stupe is always the correct one. Never once has the Stute been wrong on anything, if it has you are misremembering it, and if you are not then it was not that serious, and if it

Our Editor Chief.....obviouslyin

Cog & Square: Shaping the Perfect Snevets Student

by shane mitchell, stuper

The Gear & Triangle Honor Society has tried for years to shape Snevets students into respectable, well-rounded student leaders – yet it has become painfully apparent that it has failed to achieve its founding goals. According to a recent study conducted by the Office of Student Respectability and Well-Roundedness, the typical Snevets student today is roughly 101% less respectable and well-rounded than the previously calculated 1870 average. This devastating information was brought to University President Narfarvar’s office, where he shared the following inspirational message with the Snevets community: “Don’t be sorry, just be better.” Some Snevets students heard this message loud and clear – and they’re taking action.

Instead of working to improve the existing honor society, several current Gear & Triangle members have split off, vowing to go in a different

direction entirely. Their new society, the uniquely named “Cog & Square,” has quickly become Snevets’s most popular new student organization. Former G&T President Julia Pool has headed this initiative, naming herself the “Eternal Supreme Leader” of Cog & Square, a lifelong appointment according to C&S bylaws. Cog & Square officially declared their founding principles to be “dishonor, hate, and spirits,” which they have sworn to demonstrate “by any means necessary.” Supreme Leader Pool has also worked tirelessly to forge connections with other student organizations on campus – perhaps the most surprising being the Snevets Honesty Board. Though the Honesty Board is (as the name implies) typically against dishonesty, they have made an exception for Cog & Square, citing the importance of the organization as a reason to “bend the rules a little.”

These exciting advancements mark the beginning of a new era in Snevets history, one that is certain to make

Alleged Secret Society Lives in Academic Buildings

by sophie patz, stuper

I have uncovered an alleged secret society of Snevets students that live in the academic buildings at night. Upon preliminary investigation, I found they have three distinct sectors. The first is for the people who do it out of necessity: the squatters. These people have nowhere else to go; they may have gotten kicked out of their apartment and are too scared to tell their parents, or simply just never considered where they were going to live until it was too late. It is likely that commuting is just not in the cards for them. The second sector is the anti-capitalist radicals that want to make the most out of their tuition. They believe that they rightfully own the Snevets academic buildings, therefore they have decided to make

The Stupe launches an investigation into the whereabouts of Gogo

by tanya avadia, money laundererer

While the Snevets mascot is Attila the Duck another prominent figure internally recognized by the student body, Gogo the Gorilla, has not been seen at all this year. For this reason, The Stupe has launched an investigation into the whereabouts of Gogo the Gorilla.

For context, Gogo the Gorilla used to frequent campus every so often last year but hasn’t been seen on campus

since Halloween. Through very ethical investigative journalism procedures that definitely didn’t involve bribes, stalking, and threats, The Stupe discovered that Gogo the Gorilla sold himself out to Hudson Dorms. The reason why Gogo hasn’t been seen on campus is because he is being paid to literally not come here. This level of betrayal is extremely unprecedented and has offended many who enjoyed Gogo’s presence on campus. Continuing onwards with the investigation, The Stupe

also discovered that Halloween wasn’t the last time Gogo stepped foot on campus. Gogo the Gorilla and Attila the Duck have been having some “fun” times in the sex corner within Jonas Brothers Hall. However, it is still unknown as to whether the two are still together as Jonas residents haven’t seen any more traces of white feathers or black fur. The Stupe intends to make this subject matter its top priority and will communicate any further findings with the Snevets student body.

the Office of Student Respectability and Well-Roundedness proud. Upon hearing about Cog & Square, President Narfarvar gave a moving speech in support of the society, saying, “One small step for Snevets, one giant leap for Snevetskind.” This moving (and very original) quote perfectly encapsulates the hope and optimism Snevens students are undoubtedly feeling as they face the bright future ahead, one that will certainly be championed by the Cog & Square Honor Society.

them their home. Finally, the third sector is the thrill-seekers. They love sneaking around and not getting caught. Their biggest accomplishments are those moments in which campus police unknowingly come within mere inches of their hiding spots. You may be wondering how exactly these students are able to traverse campus so easily without raising suspicion. Some of these students operate under the guise of art and music students, who, for their practice, need to have 24-hour access to the Morton-Peirce-Kidde (MPK) building complex. They can swipe in at any hour of the night without campus police batting an eye so long as they have a sketch pad or musical instrument with them. It is rumored that around 50% of the society is humanities students, but there is no hard evidence to back up that assertion.

True or not, it is widely believed that the society mainly operates inside MPK, home to Snevets’ humanities program. Ironically, campus police headquarters are in this same building. This could be due to the society’s presumed humanities-heavy membership, or the thrill-seekers’ thirst for action.

As you sleep soundly in your $8,000 premium single in the towers, these students are actively evading the authorities. As you curl up in your Hudson Dorms twin XL, the society is taking catnaps under desks with one eye open. What they do is intense and mentally draining, but worth it to them. Next time you see someone who looks exhausted but still manages to show up to the 8 a.m. 15 minutes early, maybe consider that assignments weren’t the only thing they were avoiding late last night.

120TH ANNUAL PINNY

by evan papageorge, human spell check

In honor of St*te’s 120th year, we at The Stupe are pleased to bring back the annual Pinny Bash! After 120 years of Snevets hosting the Pinnys, St*te proudly continues complaining about the Pinny program, whether free trips to the Moon every summer or the private jet rides from the Augustus Edwin Hall to the How Center.

As many Snevets members know, the Pinny program is an exclusive club for incoming first-year students offered at the time of acceptance. While no one is 100% sure how the choosing of the individuals happens, each student receives a piece of parchment on a waddling duck that shows up at their door on the day of The

Stupe’s release of their senior year in high school.

Once arriving on the wondrous Snevents campus in Bohoken, Pinny faces challenges, including fighting Gogo the Gorilla and finding Kernel Jan’s Jr. in Snevet’s Castle (a time machine must be invented beforehand). However, after completing these tasks, Pinny’s has unlimited access to Red and Gray’s secret menu, the roller coaster between the How Center and the “University Towers,” and the previously mentioned Moon trips and private jets.

And with that, the annual Pinny Bash comes to a close. It is with a heavy heart that The Stupe must leave Pinnys alone for the rest of the year, but rest assured, the next 120 years shall be full just as much with anti-Pinny glory!

Graphic by Abby Jacobs, clipart courtesy of istockphoto.com

raf made this

Sex Ed

Stroke of Genius: Male Orgasm event to be held in Dave’s 3rd floor bathroom

by liz sepulveda,

The Female Orgasm, an “inde pendent organizer” at Snevets announced they will be holding Snevet’s very first Male Or gasm event. The event is free to attend, and will take place on Monday, April 1st in the Dave’s Hall 3rd Floor Bathroom. It will feature “infographics’’ and “hands-on” demonstrations to teach undergraduates about

the importance of the male orgasm.

“All I wanted from the Female Orgasm event was theident told The Stute, “so I asked around if they’d have them at the Male Orgasm event too. Then someone in the 3rd floor bathroom told me not to

Those looking to reserve a spot at the event can do so by tweeting their excitement toordinators are excited for The Male Orgasm to go off with a

Cabinet meeting minutes leak: does the senate finish too quickly now?

ly in place, the student body finds itself with a wealth of initiatives to scrutinize and assess, and a preliminary re view of the state of affairs is in store. A common complaint from semesters past consist ed of moans and groans about the near endless Sunday sen ate meetings, which surpassed expectations of the supposed two hour cut off. This was a topic of great concern, as stu dents had ‘other things to do’ and their academics were ‘hurt from the length.’

cated in the UCC gallery, now finish in record time. Shift and Pearson’s implementation of the QuickEase initiative, however, has been met with some unanticipated friction.

Wolf/Wang are finally here to address the student’s bodytection. Experts report that fifteen minutes is the optimal amount of time before toying with hard hitting topics. Wolf/ Wang have pledged to supply ample discussion time, with room for senators to second notions, before offering the

If you’re still not pleasedmunication is key! Feel free to come during Senate meetings on Sundays at 7 p.m. If you are looking for a more handson role, consider running for the president’s Chief of Shaff

New nanoparticle research: Small but mighty

by kevin castner jr., master-baiter

You know, I was going to write an article about cutting-edge research, but I got to thinking, what the hell is a “nano”particle? Particles are already tiny as all hell. Why do we have to slap nano in front of some of them? I, for one, think the smaller particles are probably more functional anyway. They say bigger particles don’t even fit into most compounds very well. I mean, really, we are going to cut hairs over a couple of nanometers? If we were to look at the bigger picture, all particles might as well be at the same scale to us humans. That means all particles are pretty much the same.

Now some size queens will tell you, “Oh, no you can see some larger particles with the naked eye, you need a microscope to even know nanoparticles are there.” I call bullshit. I

say it’s all these science videos all over the internet nowadays creating unrealistic expectations for particles. You know, back in the day, you could only find real, good science in magazines. That was the good stuff, unlike this high-value, flashy production stuff you see nowadays. I swear, people go to the extremes nowadays just for a few clicks. Next thing you know, you have everybody thinking that material is representative of the MAJORITY of particles.

Shit, once you get past 1,000 or so nanometers, those “particles” are practically their own living things entirely. Honestly, it’s disgusting. I’d say the Greeks had the right idea. That guy Democritus knew particles ought to be SMALL, imperceptibly so even. Anything else is quite frankly just a perversion and an affront to science. “Nano”particles probably have better personalities anyway, you sick fucks.

Greek Life and Tech

New Director of Greek Life: Welcome Jaret! Alcohol for first years!

by dani qira, stuper

Well, folks, as we are all aware, our beloved Assistant Director of Fraternity & Sorority Life, Keben Drunger, has decided to pack his bags and chase his dreams (and all the power to him). But that left us here at Snevets in quite a pickle, trying to find the perfect replacement for the position. It was tough to find a candidate who embod-

ied the values of Snevets, as we are such a unique institution built on the principles of celibacy, natural remedies for body odor, and a profound aversion to bathing. However, after sifting through a resounding sixty-nine applications, one candidate stuck out to us like a diamond in the rough. That candidate was none other than our own, Jaret Donnaleigh. Jaret was bold and daring for submitting an application, as not only does

he not have the preferred qualifications of a completed masters degree, but he is actually still enrolled as an undergraduate computer science student– no wonder he upheld our principles so well! However, his strong application ensured that his message was received. We knew he could do the job because, well, let’s face it, what choice did we have but to believe him– look at that face!

Macbook users banished from campus--what to do about all the empty business classes

by liz sepulveda, con artist

It’s official: Macbook users have been banned from campus. In a recent deal with Microsoft, Snevets received an undisclosed amount of funding for banishing the Apple-supporting students from the school. Shortly thereafter, all classes in the Schaeffer School of Business began reporting record-low attendance rates.

THE JARET DONNALEIGH’S FOREHEAD

What caught our eye specifically in Jaret’s application was his two main life philosophies, which are:

1) if you’re stressed out, instead of getting a full night’s rest, you should stay up doing absolutely nothing productive until ungodly hours of the night and hibernate mid-day and

2) a PBR can solve all of the problems #1 couldn’t solve.

We were so impressed by

his innovative approach to stress management and selfcare that we decided to give him a platform to share those wisdoms: teaching his own First-Year Experience class to bring his transformative ideas to the new first-year class! Every first-year gets a 30 rack and their first assignment is to document their experience with it, due by the second class. Aside from their rigorous curriculum, his spe-

cial topics will include: how to prompt Dean Kev Nilzen to do your bidding for you, how to get into super secret societies, and his personal life (but first-years can choose to opt out of that part with a parent’s signature).

Thank you for bringing your unique talents to Snevets, Mr. Donnaleigh! Keep spreading the good word (and maybe grab a nap and a Pabst along the way).

In a recent survey sent out to Schaeffer students, 63% reported that they would not be attending classes as long as the ban holds, with about half of those students reporting it to be a voluntary choice on their part.

“I’m not buying a product I don’t have stock in,” one business student told the Stupe. Not all business students have reacted the same way to the ban, however. While many have refused to attend classes, others have persisted in their academic efforts,

making use of the free Apple sticker that comes with every iPhone on their new Windows devices.

“I just switched to CS,” one student reported, “it kinda just makes sense. Having a Mac was like, ‘look good, feel good.’ Having a Windows laptop is like … not that. So I just switched to CS.”

Other departments at Snevets have been affected by the ban as well, with HASS’s Visual Arts Mac Lab being shut down.

“Yeah, it’s kinda lame that they took away the Macs, but I only use them for Canva these days anyways,” one HASS student reported.

It remains to be seen how the administration will deal with the protest of students against this ban. For now, Schaeffer students are free to enjoy the new HASS Lab, which has been converted into a free coloring space with swipe access granted to both HASS and Schaeffer students.

IMESSAGES GOING GREEN: WHOLE WORLD IN PANIC

by tasha khosla, features master

In a shocking turn of events, Apple’s newest iOS update has switched the bubble message colors. Previously, when one iPhone user texted another iPhone user, the message bubble colors were blue. When an iPhone user texted an Android user however, the message bubble colors would be a difficult-to-read neon green, prompting ridicule towards Android users for making the lives of iPhone users slightly more inconvenient as this only affected them. Now, iPhone to iPhone text bubbles are that obnoxious shade of green, causing panic nationwide.

To investigate how this crisis was affecting the Snevets student body, The Stupe sent reporters to Crabbio Center, home to all of the business majors, as that is where most of the iPhone users dwell.

One student complained, “I can barely read any of the text messages from my friends, and I keep accidentally leaving group chats thinking that I’m with a bunch of Android users.”

Another student commented, “My friends keep ghost-

ing me because they think I switched to Android. I tried sending them an article about the iOS update through Apple News, but they refused to hear me out!”

Reporters for The Stupe also spoke with Android users at Snevets to see how they felt about the crisis affecting their peers. Generally, many of them were indifferent, citing that Androids allow users to customize their text message colors anyway so the green vs. blue bubble debacle never actually affected how they viewed their own messages.

An Android user did want us to note, “I think this new iOS update is an important reminder that message bubble colors literally should not matter. No one cares if you use an iPhone or not. iPhones are pretty mid anyways. Why would you buy a phone that is capable of messing up this badly? The weird wallpaper settings should’ve been your sign to switch.”

Regardless of everyone’s feelings on the matter, there is no doubt that with this change, iPhone users will have to find a new way to bully Android users now that their bubble color system has toppled.

ChatGPT Gets Tired, Says No When The Stute Asks for Articles

No.

by chatGPT

Innovation Expo

Furniture shapes the future of performance

by jack picciririllooririllo, the guy <3

Despite being well into the 21st century, there have been few significant advancements in performing arts technology. However, senior Music & Technology student Jack Peters has achieved what many are hailing as the biggest breakthrough in the field. Peters is set to unveil his experimental multi-media senior thesis project at this month’s Innovation Expo.

After 92 grueling nights and with the help of sponsor Monster Energy, who generously donated their product and $2.1 million towards his research, Peters has finally discovered the key to revolutionizing the world of performance art. His groundbreaking idea: integrating household furniture into his stage productions. Peters has found that chairs are the perfect partner for music, and his performance, “Chair-ical Music,” is poised to change the game. In fact, Peters is open to alternative name suggestions from the student body for his performance. The audience is in for a treat with Peters’ display. Participants will walk in a circle around chairs while music plays. When the music stops, they’ll scramble to find a seat. Whoever fails to sit on a chair is removed from

the stage. This is repeated until only one participant remains, who is declared the “winner” of the performance. Yet, Peters believes that the true winner is the audience, enriched by the experience.

The chairs used in Peters’ Innovation Expo debut will be on display, replacing the beloved horse statue on the lawn in the center of Snevets’ upper campus. Furthermore, Peters’ head will be cryogenically frozen in Humphrey’s basement to preserve his genius in the event that his genius is ever needed to be called upon to save the world… or the Snevets corporation.

3D Printed Blowjobs

by ethan kleschinsky, local kook

Picture this: you’re stranded on a deserted desert island with nothing, and you can only have one thing with you. The answer is pretty clear; anyone in their right mind would opt for a single blowjob to help overcome the adversity of the situation. A group of seniors plan to unveil their revolutionary technology at the Innovation Expo this April and are beginning to build hype around their product. Through intense science and engineering, they were able to develop a 3D printed, single-use blowjob. “What more could anyone want from science?” says team-lead Phil A. Shio ‘24. Shio also described that the product would be made from 3D printed plastics and provide a single-use blowjob experience that would “blow your mind, and your...” There has been a lot of chatter and excitement surrounding the soon to be unveiled product, mostly throughout the computer science department. But some individuals on campus have been speaking out against the invention and outwardly deny-

$ pFineance $

SAF now $10,000: SGA to build private tower

by evan papageorge, human spell check

In recent events, the Snevets SGA has fully embraced its recent increase in the SAF (Student Adultery Fee). Rather than the previously announced $95, the SGA will change the SAF to $10,000 per student per semester. With this additional funding, The Stupe spoke with the SGA’s money boy, Szteborgian Seboltberg, to find out where the money would go.

The first question Sebolt-

berg answered was why the SAF saw such a jump from $95 to $10,000. The response was, “I dunno, I like swimming in swimming pools of cash.” With such an increase in funding, the question arises of where the money will go. Following enormous spending on the “University Towers” and the future spending for a Dave’s Hall replacement tower, the SGA has decided to create its tower specifically for SGA senator bonding events.

According to Seboltberg, the

SGA will host daily dagers, and most will flow into the night. The views of the tower will be just in front of the How Center and the “University Towers,” blocking all current residents’ views. Additionally, the tower will be so tall that it will be outside federal law; therefore, the drinking age will be 18. Snevets has concerns over the SGA’s proposal, but the biggest problem remains: will Gogo and Atilla have a new friend as this new tower’s mascot?

ing the existence of oral sex. An individual who requested to remain anonymous said, “I think it’s all a hoax, there is no such thing as a ‘blowjob,’ and I will not stand here and be lied to by some con artist.” However, it seems a majority of students on campus are eagerly awaiting their chance to use a single-use, 3D-printed blowjob. The project’s second-in-command, Anita Gerbjob, shared a preliminary survey that led to the initial idea to create this product. At the start of the school year, the team sent out a form with one open ended question, “If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?” To almost no one’s surprise, 72% of surveyees responded “a blowjob.” This sparked the idea in Shio and his dedicated team of engineers, and they are eagerly awaiting the chance to finally show everyone what all the hype is about. This does spark some questions of how it will be demonstrated at the Expo, but everyone will just have to wait and see!

Tuition goes contactless

by daniel hogan, staff righter

With the world becoming more and more digital, Snevets is adding more ways for students to pay for tuition. Students can now pay for tuition via Apple Pay. “This is a step in the wrong direction,” says the one student with an Android phone.

But this isn’t the only change upsetting students. Beginning April 1, 2024, students will now be charged to go to office hours or the academic tutoring center. Luckily, these can also be paid through Apple Pay for greater “accessibility.”

These charges will be levied on a per-question basis. I spoke with a tutor at ACS to get their thoughts on the new fees. “Um akshally, these fees are based

on time spent in ACS, not per question.” Well, sue us. These fees are aimed at reducing congestion in office hours and ACS allowing students to spend less time waiting and more money. These changes are part of a greater series of changes which ultimately aims to transform students into bags of money. Not everyone is upset about these changes, however, as president Narfarvar and other Snevets executives seemed ecstatic about these changes, one of whom allegedly bought a brand new yacht out of pure “excitement.” “This is part of a greater series of changes. Ultimately by next year we plan to make students pay to receive A’s in their classes,” said a Snevets executive.

thumb goes here

“the hot rod”

designed by Kevin Caster Jr. (nerd)

actual real picture taken by rafael lee li

Monday, April 1

opinions you don’t need to listen to

the stute editorial NEW EBOARD!!

I’m not good with words haha, here’s a picture of the super cool swag new eboard.

ALSO, funfact:

today (April 1) is actually my half birthday (not an april fool’s joke!), which is super exciting and you all should be happy for me.

by kayden cannoli ‘24

Hi, I’m the freshman who is still wearing my

isabella ziv ‘25 two-term boss woman mind of a freshman Freshman dorm review senioritis

Snevets keychain around my neck. I love wearing my dorm key like a necklace to assert dominance over those who have to walk more than five minutes to get to their classes. I’ve spent a lot of time these evenings in each of the campus dorms, and would like to give my formal rating of each. A simple scale has been determined to simply recommend or not recommend spending a

My last April Fools

but now I must think about full-time jobs after graduation. People really did not lie when they said how time would fly by; it seems like this is all one big joke.

night: smash or pass. You’ll have to kick a roommate out to the common room, but they don’t call it Humps for nothing. Humps has cinder block walls, useful for sound dampening. I give it a smash. Exhibitionists may prefer Dave’s, for both the windows and the roaches. Smash. If you can afford it, River Tear-ass may be the place for you and your crew. I hear

they have gold-studded contraceptives in the communal spaces. Personally, not into trustfunds or crypto: pass.

Jonass’s private showers and tubs are a very useful commodity; don’t forget your rubber, Ducks. It has one major con: the shelving on the sides obstructs significant vertical motion in the bed. Perhaps a particularly innovative student could ar -

range the beds to avoid the abstinence shelves, and innovation is sexy. Smash. Crusty Point Hall has windows that are easily scalable for your sneaky links. The concrete walls, best known for keeping COVID-1870 in during the quarantine years, also keep your neighbors from prying. Smash.

Despite the nitpicking, there is one superior dorm: Palmer (I

hardly know her). This is the only dorm on campus with only singles, meaning you never need to worry about pesky roommates. Palmer (I hardly know her) residents will be shocked by one of their peers pulling they will defer to you, genuflecting or giving raucous applause in the hallway. The only conceivable downside is that you have to spend a night with a Palmer kid.

My last April Fools for senior year never felt so heavy. I am still shocked at whoever jumped the unskippable cutscenes of college. It only seemed like months ago that I began my freshman year at Snevets,

The past four years have been the most nourishing that I have experienced, and I am sure that I have made lasting friendships. Funny enough, I can’t exactly pinpoint who I have met during my past three years at Stevens. You would think that I would remember the events that I have gone to, but maybe this blurry vision is a symptom of senioritis.

An entire four years

have gone by with Bohoken floods, crazy snowstorms, and heat waves, and yet there still has not been a slide designed from Howe Center to UCC. Talking about renovations, I really liked the fountain addition to the design in front of Palmer Hall. Can we also talk about how the new Amazon walk-in spawned at Gateway North? It seemed to be a new installation when I was a Freshie, and now I find myself visiting it every day. Just like how major renovations are carried out after we moved past high school, I can not wait to see how Stevens will

change after our graduation. I will definitely fight through nights of nostalgia when I look back at my senior year and how many of us will part ways with each other.

This graduating class is considered to be a very empowering one as we shifted to a college setting where all we knew was Zoom and breakout rooms. For most of us, our high school graduation was not like a oncein-a-lifetime ceremony, but because of the pandemic, our high school and college years seemed to blend in.

As I am now finalizing my academics and prepar-

comic corner

by josie strano

ing for the next pwhase in my life, I remember watching this video that spoke to me truthfully. Our college graduation is not a significant significance of success, plain and simple. The significance of this ceremony is to recognize our important sacrifices and hard work. The success that we accomplish happens every day. It happened in the first week of Freshman orientation, the last week of our summer vacation, and even through to this past week. The recognition this year will most likely make every all-nighter I pulled worth the diploma. Every midnight

snack while I second guess my major choice will all be snapped away once the cap is thrown across the sky.

Looking back, there were many times when I wanted to give up. Days when the workload was too much to keep up with, but regardless of that, one thing that went by quickly was time. I definitely felt like someone sped up time by two times during the past four years because there is no way that I feel as if I was a high school senior just the past year. With the countdown to graduation still ticking, I still haven’t managed to find the snooze button.

opinions you don’t need to listen to

book of the week “Corduroy”: A delusional misunderstanding of a beloved children’s book

by itai geller ‘26

The experimental novel “Corduroy,” written by Don Freeman in 1968, follows the biographical tale of a lone teddy bear named Corduroy. Corduroy lives in a department store, a relatively new concept introduced to the United States in the late 1920s, a symbol of the consumer culture that would go on to dismantle traditional American values. Corduroy’s extravagant accommodations are symbolic of his gluttony; his home is lavishly decorated with every item in excess, constantly stocked to his liking. It is speculated that Corduroy made his fortune forty years before Freeman brought his story to life, working as an accomplice to Jay Gatsby. Corduroy acted as a source for Gatsby’s notorious Prohibition-era rum-running enterprise, providing alcohol from his department reserves. One of the important details that Free-

man neglected to include was Corduroy’s blatant resistance to the Selective Service and Training Act of 1940, which would have required him to serve overseas in the Second World War. Although Corduroy was eligible, it was speculated that he used his corrupt political connections to remain on American soil. Once the war had ended, Corduroy began exploring other practical business ventures, namely investing an inadvisable proportion of his wealth into Goober, Smucker’s response to a sandwich problem that never existed.

At the beginning of the story, Corduroy is confronted by a mysterious girl. She states that she wants to purchase his enterprise, claiming that he’s already “losing buttons” and will need to get out of the Goober business soon. However, Corduroy is stubborn and rejects the girl’s offer. Feeling insulted by the girl’s indifference to his legacy, Corduroy is incentivized to redeem his image as a ruthless criminal kingpin. In an attempt to cut out all middlemen, Corduroy embarks on a daring heist to steal Tempur-pedic mattresses with the intent of initiating a fencing operation. Unfortunately, during a Tem-

pur-Pedic raid, Corduroy unintentionally trips an alarm system. Police were alerted to the scene and with no means of escape, Corduroy was taken into custody. In court, the judge charges Corduroy with Second Degree Felony, Racketeering, Embezzlement, and Tax Evasion. Corduroy’s bail is set at “the amount of money in a little girl’s piggy bank.” Unable to produce the funds, Corduroy begins to lose all hope. However, in a climactic turn of events, Corduroy makes an unlikely accomplice. Lisa, the girl who intensified Corduroy’s mission to redeem his reputation, offers to cover his bail. Corduroy reluctantly accepts, understanding her alliance to be of territorial motivation. However, rather than request his business as an advance, Lisa vows to assist Corduroy in “restoring his buttons” in exchange for his partnership. Knowing a good deal, Corduroy accepts, emotionally stating in response to her proposal, “I’ve always wanted a friend.”

In summary, Don Freeman’s novel is a children’s book written by Sylvester Stalone starring Al Pacino as a Thomas Shelby Teddy Bear turned Rambo. It’s still better than The Twilight Saga.

girl(ish) talk Girls just want to have fun

a woman here at Snevets. After about 25 minutes of hard thought and light meditation, I realized that I’m the same person I always was, and I am ready to take this on head first.

When I was approached by The Stupe for the opportunity to 3peat in writing my annual rendition of the Girl Talk column, I couldn’t turn down the offer. However, I feel as of late I have been more out of touch with the effeminate man I used to be. So, in order to prepare for this, I did some soul-searching to find out who I am, and what it really means to be

There are a lot of struggles faced by being a woman on campus. It seems that the struggles faced are always misrepresented, whether by facilities, professors, or anyone allegedly trying to help. A prime example of this exists in the public bathrooms on campus. The issue doesn’t even stem from the fact that there aren’t enough on campus, but rather that in the bathrooms, there are empty dispensers that are meant to contain feminine products. But it doesn’t take a genius or a scientist to tell that those are not needed in the bathrooms; it would be much more efficient to replace them with cigarette dispensers. All a woman wants on campus is to chief Marlboro Reds™ in the bathroom with no risk of shame from those around them. Whoever was in charge of putting those dispensers in clearly missed the mark. Nothing better encapsulates what women on campus want than a wom -

off the press

The Most Wackiest Darn News You Ever Have Read!

Today was such a wonderful day. The sun was out, shining the brightest it could ever have been. People everywhere were laughing, smiling, and all out having a good time because it was such warm weather, a direct contrast to the days and even months of relentless cold weather. In fact, all the flowers all around everyone started blooming with delight, stretching out their petals and smelling so wonderfully. The gardener was also providing them with water while wearing a bright smile on their face as he sprinkled all of the flowers with his hose. How else could this good day possibly get better?

I know! The Hudson River! That river is so filled with such wonderful things to talk about! Since the river isn’t frozen and it isn’t as cold as it used to be, more people have been riding out on the water, having a good time. You could see people riding on cruise ships and tour boats, getting great views of New York City. In addition, people have been seeing such wonderful creatures alongside the water. There have been many fish that are swimming in the water, as well as very cute and adorable crabs. You could also see geese, ducks, and seagulls

artist spotlight

flying around and looking very adorable. The wildlife around Hoboken is also very, very cute. You don’t have to go down by the riverside to see the cute critters, sometimes they can be right there in your own backyard! For example, you could see squirrels coming out of their trees after a long, restless hibernation and exploring their new spring surroundings. They are so busy scurrying around and gathering nuts, seeds, and other woodland delights to forage for the next winter. You could also see bunny rabbits frolicking about, nibbling on very sweet grass, and hopping about. You could also see a variety of other critters around Hoboken. Badgers, skunks, foxes, coyotes, raccoons, pigeons, snakes, etc.

But why stop at the beauty of nature? There is also beauty in the city life of Hoboken! Here, you can see multiple stores having the time of their life, selling cards, merchandise, books, furniture, toiletries, and other wonderful things. The restaurants are also selling out new things people want to try, like burgers, fries, pizza, pasta, mozzarella sticks, tacos, burritos, quesadillas, Chinese food, Indian food, and other wonderful

things. You could see many people flocking to these wonderful places with big smiles on their faces, ready to make all kinds of wonderful memories with their friends surrounding them. Alongside all of those things, you can hear the music playing left and right, putting a nice beat in everyone’s head as it motivates them to explore all kinds of wonderful, new places.

And now, we come to a very key part in finalizing our wonderful day: important life lessons to make sure the rest of the days you live are just as great as this day! Lesson One: Even when things get bad, always try to keep a positive attitude. While it is okay to feel sad, delving too much into sadness is not healthy, and a positive attitude can help motivate us to move forward. Lesson Two: Smile to everyone you meet. A friendly smile might help change a person’s cynical outlook and can sometimes make that person’s day. Lesson Three: This is the most important one. Are you ready? Okay! Here we go! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Fooled you! There is no lesson three!

An art history: The Snevets horse statue is not what it seems

an smoking some “Torches of Freedom” to relieve the stress of classes.

It seems what girls really want is to have fun. This is clearly demonstrated by the 1983 hit “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper. You know what isn’t fun? Tech school, homework, the wind, and almost everything going on across Snevets campus. Girls are actively searching for things to take their minds off of the pain of being here at Snevets; hence, the desire to have cigarette dispensers in the bathrooms. This school has ignored the needs of the women on campus for far too long. I urge everyone reading this to stand up against Snevets and demand what is right.

Beyond the cigarettes, I have thought deeply about what else could be changed on campus to benefit women. When I really think about it, I come up with nothing. So the clear and logical conclusion here is that the solution to every problem women face on campus is to make it easier and allow them to smoke in the bathrooms on campus. I stand strongly in support of these changes, and I encourage you all to do so as well!

by tianna spitz ‘27

Bearers, an iconic sculpture located in front of the S.C. Williams Library, has served as a pedagogical symbol with painstakingly accurate equine anatomy. While the statue depicts two men, one succumbing to a post-class nap as he passes on a torch to the other saddled on a horse, the statue was a gift from the century American sculptor Anna Hyatt Huntington, being the horse girl of the 20th-century art scene. The current 16-foot high statue is an aluminum casting, but resurfaced renovation records reveal the original Torch Bearers that was damaged during a Bohoken flood to have had a hard bronze shell with spongy yellow filling, radiographic analysis suggesting cake. The statue presented by Huntington is said to unravel the inner workings of the powerful Snevets bourgeois that served as patrons to the equestrian statement piece, claiming its hyper-masculinity to be a farce for deeper symbolism rooted in riches.

As a freshman, I came onto campus bright-eyed and bushy-tailed… and then I was struck by the Torch Bearers. The sculpture captures the realistic rendering of the subjects in the nude, often mid-action or frame, giving the impression of a Renaissance candid with

masculine details of musculature and broodiness that resonate with common campus motifs of mansplaining or sigma. Snevets sells Huntington’s symbolism of Enlightenment ideals through the passing of knowledge, the torch, from one generation to the next, but high-security administrative files decode the position and composition of the unassuming, unappealing Torch Bearers to lead to the buried bonus of Snevet’s first president. As President Narfavar’s previous bonuses have been upwards of 800k, Huntington’s Torch Bearers may symbolize the passing of knowledge but hold the key to inheriting a fortune.

After whistleblower accounts from faculty that will remain anonymous due to concern about their tenure, I’ve compiled a guide to read hidden messages and lore the Torch Bearers silently carry. Based on installations to recreate the statue “stage,” there are talks of a hidden trap door requiring the secret password “innovation university” for entry. The stage opens up into the hidden tunnel system known

as The Snevets Institute of Technology where the jackpot is hidden. Through Huntington’s detailed work to create movement from the man on the ground to the horse’s mane, the statue achieves aesthetic balance as the horse’s lifted hoof completes the rule of threes and points to an uncharted tunnel said to begin the hunt. The viewer’s eye hovers in the center, the sweet spot, of the larger-than-life piece as the torch draws a barrier between the fallen and the valiant. Within the torch lies a capsule that contains a key to the trunk that holds both the money and a voucher for an extra graduation seat.

Investigation on the statue’s hidden easter eggs continues at a crawl as Snevets students and faculty compete against the elite. Careful to conceal the true history of the Torch Bearers, most will reduce the statue’s campus significance to a simple remark on learning, nevertheless Huntington’s artistry prevails as the sole map of Snevet’s underground tunnels as the heart of Duck elitism lies within a man and his horse.

opinions you don’t need to listen to

dear claire and ethan... Remember to come up with a question!!!

lifestyle HACKs The keys to success

by claire hannan and ethan kleschinsky (reluctantly)

What are the best spots on campus to hang out?

Claire: Great question! There are so many great places to hang out around campus. If you’re looking for a place to refresh, check out the showers in the basement of Gateway South. There are no signs saying that you can’t shower there, so go nuts! You could also hang out in the business student lounge on the fourth floor of Babbio. Not a business major? Don’t worry, they don’t check! Don’t have any work to do? Neither do the business students! One place I do not recommend hanging out in, though, is the basement of Humps.

Ethan: There are so many great spots to hang out, but so many people like to flock to popular locations. So what you need to do is find a super secluded spot on campus to find yourself or get work done or whatever you do in your spare time. I recommend hard-to-find corners in basements, the multiple garages on campus, or places like that.

Do you have fun writing for The St*te?

Claire: I love writing for The St*te. One of the best parts is our wonderful leadership. Being on the E-board has been so fun, it’s like being a part of a big family. All of that is thanks to our incredible Editor-in-Chief Isy Ziv! Isy is so smart and funny and cool.

Ethan: It’s alright. At this point, I feel like a zombie marching onward with no rhyme or reason to the sweet release of graduation.

Why do I keep hearing scratching through the walls of my dorm?

Claire: Well, if you live in Jonas Brothers Hall, it’s probably the roaches. If you live in “the towers,” it’s probably the janky wiring. If you live in Palm Tree… well, that one’s self-explanatory. If you live in Humps, it’s best not to ask.

Ethan: You know what they say… boys are gonna be boys.

What’s going on with the Humps basement?

Claire: Ignore it. The less you know, the better.

Ethan: It is a deep, complex, and intricate endeavor being revealed by passionate and hard working investigators. All will be uncovered in due time, it is best to sit back and patiently wait for more in formation. All I can say for now is STAY AWAY FROM THE HUMPS BASEMENT!

Where does Edi tor-in-Chief Isy Ziv keep her enemies?

Claire: Haha, why would Isy have any enemies? She’s the smartest and funniest girl on the plan et! She would never keep people locked up in the basement of Humps; she’s too pretty and cool to do that (please, Isy I can’t go back).

Ethan: I know nothing about this, but I could tell you where I would hypothetically keep my enemies given the opportunity. If I was looking for a good place, I would reference my ideal hang out spots for inspiration. Random basements, garages, or any hard-to-get places would make for good potential spots to take your enemies.

So obviously, you’re here reading because you want to hear all of the excellent advice I have to give, so this week is no exception: I will be revealing the keys to success, the secrets to how to succeed, or more precisely, how to get a solid Victory Royale in Fortnite.

So to be completely candid, I am not the most qualified to be giving this advice, given that the first time that I touched an Xbox controller for something other than using streaming services was a little over a year ago. However, I will say that since the first time my roommate convinced me to hop on the battle bus, my life has been changed for the better (which, side note, is

a super funny thing for me to have written because my roommates and I all have bracelets that say “for good” from Wicked be cause in one of the songs it says “because I knew you I have been changed for the better … because I knew you my life has changed for good”). I would normally delete a tangent such as this, but this is not the real Stute, so you have to deal with it, and I have a word count to hit!

Okay, so once again, I will remind everyone that I AM NOT AT ALL CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT. I am a mediocre Fortnite player, especially compared to my 16-year-old brother, who has been playing since the game’s initial release. (And fun fact: me starting to play Fortnite is what took us from siblings who hate each other to friends <3). However, I do have a number of victory royales under my belt and somewhat of a strategy that I will be sharing with you, my loyal following. Basically, I try to land somewhere where there aren’t a lot of others (avoid conflict = good in Fortnite and bad in

real life) and then build up a solid arsenal with some kind of health or shield, and try to get a decent spread of weapons. Then, for most games that I play, I let the quests and the lure of nearby chests guide my way. I severely bother everyone who plays with me with how fixated I am on leveling up to make the most of getting the battle pass. So yeah, you probably don’t really want to hear what I have to say that much, but I can offer up some expert advice from a carefully curated panel of epic gamers (the people who responded to my texts). First, from the absolute beast himself, my brother, MegaDabLoL, his strategy involves finding an ideal location to land. For this current season, his ideal landing spot is the off-shore wind turbines at the edge of the map. There is tons of loot, and no one else is ever there; plus, there’s a launchpad, so you can easily get to other parts of the map quickly. FlakJacketJay gives two pieces of advice: “make sure to thank the bus driv-

for math’s sake I solved math! (NOT CLICKBAIT)

by charles beall, solver of math

coming days, I can confidently answer “YES!”

After a wildly productive Spring break, I finalized my solutions to every known math problem (best Spring break ever by the way — I’d recommend doing something like that rather than going to Miami beach and, as of this

that’s a red flag Snevet’s Students Red Flags

week leaves the outside world wondering, “when do Snevets students study?”

year, getting arrested, or catching up on sleep because who needs that?). Moreover, I showed that, even if there’s a problem I hypothetically “missed,” someone else can use a subset of my solutions or proofs to find the answer, quite trivially.

I’m surprised that, already, the academic community has verified many of my results (this Wikipedia article, for instance, is getting shorter and shorter each day!). Professors who peer-review mathematical results are typically slowed by two things: (1) being so overworked as to put off any task that doesn’t directly result in their getting paid (the peer-reviewing process is generally pro bono); and (2) being so skeptical of someone claiming “I’ve solved all of math!”

to trust anything they’ve submitted to the peer-re view process. I’m not sure why they took a chance on me and disregarded those two hindrances — maybe because academia has gotten so much criticism lately that the professors were looking for a big win? But I’ve reaped many of the benefits so far. I’ve earned $7 million from the Clay Institute alone by solving the rest of their Millennium Prize Problems — P vs NP was surprisingly (mildly) difficult, but the rest were a walk in the park. I’ll also hopefully win millions more in prize money in the coming years (I’ve heard from the Abel Prize committee and the Fields Institute that they plan to award me their biggest accolades in perpetuity).

er. You are more likely to get epic items if you do!”

I agree with this, showing your appreciation for the bus driver makes the world a better place by spreading kindness. He also adds that “visual sound indicators aren’t just for [people with impaired hearing], they can also give you a leg up on locating your competition and when locating chests!” Just be careful, the visual sound effects can also cause you to absolutely lose your mind when you cannot find the chest that they are telling you is nearby, just ask puppyboomer11 about that one.

I will leave you with some impactful advice from the wise Copsal: “just because you’re in the storm doesn’t mean the game is over; the smaller the circle, the better the people; it’s not about where you land it’s about where the storm takes you; sometimes when you’re losing a battle you have to break it down.” Wow, some really inspiring stuff.

this money? I should give at least some of it back to the academics who reviewed my work, but I think the smarter move is to pay influencers in order to get more publicity. Even if all the major news outlets write articles about me, I know that a TikTok video alone will have a greater effect on virality than all of those combined.

What will I do with all

The TL;DR of this piece is: there’s a chance that if you are good at math, you can become a millionaire, but engineers can become millionaires much more easily by just being engineers, and it’s definitely more likely to receive a small loan from your dad than solve a Millennium Problem (I can say that with confidence since now I know the answer to every math question).

by anna dabrowski ‘26

spirit are always bolstering my pride! However, it may come as a shock to many that our student body actually has a few very microscopic flaws. In hopes of encouraging the student body to further improve ourselves, I will be pointing out all of our Red Flags. Our Greek Life scene is insane! Actually, I’m surprised that RushTok focused on the University of Alabama and not us! The amount of dagers we have every single day of the

There’s nothing more fun than a Friday night where all 112 Fraternities are throwing at once, including APO and the infamous Cog and Square society. The most rambunctious dager I ever attended was actually hosted by the Linux club. Please, my fellow students, we must tone down this crazy partying, it is out of pocket, and I am worried about our academic standing!!! When I think of Snevets, I am immediately overwhelmed with a sense of school spirit. Every single Red and Gray Friday, the campus is overwhelmed with our lovely wrinkly elephant skin, gray, and tomato red! However my fellow students, I am beginning to wonder if we have too much school spirit. Hoboken residents have reported feeling overwhelmed by our constant and impromptu performances of the Duck Dance in local coffee shops,

grocery stores, and on public transit. Additionally, the most recent Snevet’s basketball game had such a large student section that the fire department had to come and physically remove some students in order to comply with capacity restrictions. These students fought admirably as their duck dancing became so violent that it was almost impossible to remove them from the facility. Please, my fellow students, I haven’t slept in days due to the constant chanting of ATILLA ATILLA” outside of my window.

Additionally, we need to develop our grad school; its non-existence is a MAJOR red flag. I have literally never met a grad student in my entire life, and all of the classrooms, as well as Babi Pati, are so empty and lonely at night. Oh, how I long for a hoard of graduate students to come to eat all of the free food at the various campus undergrad events, right now, so much goes to waste! Additional-

ly, the current TAs are way too competent and under stand the material too well; I mean, this is Snevets, we want to be confused and challenged! Give me a TA who looks the other way when you raise your hand for help. A TA who willingly admits that they have absolutely no idea what is going on.

Finally, Pierce dining hall is way too delicious and glutinous. In the face of all of the global tragedies of this day and age, it’s just a bad look to be eating such scrumptious michelin star food. Give us some adversity, undercook our chicken, put a bug in our food, upcharge us a few bucks at the UCC. For heaven’s sake, the food is so good that Favardin brings his family there regularly!

Anyways, my fellow students, if we all work together to address these red flags, we will surely experience an increase in tuition, which is a positive reflection of the growth of our school.

ROVING REPORTER

What is something you always keep in your fridge?

For a long time now, rival media companies have been producing daily “games” to entertain their audience. To keep up with the Stupe is proud to announce a new section of its newspaper (nothing like it has ever been seen before in any newspaper!) : “The Week Activities”.

“Letter Based Logic Activity”

“Before and After Spelling Bear”

We swear it’s a different game. There aren’t even hexagons in this one mascot’s bear. Why a bear you ask? It stands for “ ”.

“The Small”

“Commonalities”

r to this week’s Activities page!

bertila bruka ‘25 “Probably

tomas gonzalez bonilla ‘27 “AJ Lupia.”

kristy chen ‘24 “My sister.”

holly zajack ‘27 “Stevens students.”

ariannah goodwin ‘27 “The water itself.”

nick matranga ‘24 “Remnants of the S. S. Stevens.”