The Pastry Chef Vol. 03

The Pastry Chef

Sexuality

Understanding that some of us never come out, choosing to blend in instead.

The desire to feel wanted, yet questioning its intention. Love

Religion

Fear of retribution in the name of family traditions.

S P O O N F U L

Homophobia, transphobia, gender discrimination, and racism are prevalent issues We face being disowned by family and left homeless We endure mental, emotional, and physical abuse Many of us commit suicide

Drugs, joblessness, and societal ridicule are constant. Within the Black community, homosexuality remains a quiet issue. Religion blinds many friends and families from seeing us as spiritual and human beings.

Standing in one's truth isn't easy And for those that do, we tip our hats in solidarity In this issue, we celebrate those of us who are still figuring it out, facing tremendous odds, and honor those who may just simply be afraid

Xzavier V. Simon

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

from the editor DEEP...

There are common misconceptions about LGBTQ people "coming out," and the ways in which Black LGBTQ live our everyday lives While the majority of the featured are out of the closet, a lot of us aren't Coming out can be a dangerous and sometime life threatening ordeal.

The Pastry Chef

By: Xzavier V. Simon

By: Xzavier V Simon Photography: The Pastry Chef Photography: The Pastry Chef

The Pastry Chef and I met in 2007 on The Pastry Chef and I met in 2007 on MySpace - the biggest social media platform MySpace - the biggest social media platform back then. What started as a potential cross- back then. What started as a potential crosscountry hook up turned into a friendship country hook up turned into a friendship that's seen us mature from teenagers to that's seen us mature from teenagers to grown men. grown men.

I live openly. He does not. As such our lives I live openly He does not As such our lives have taken separate ways in navigating the have taken separate ways in navigating the terrain of manhood/masculinity, being Black terrain of manhood/masculinity, being Black and being gay. and being gay.

No matter the time, somehow, someway, we

No matter the time, somehow, someway, we find one another and pick up right where we find one another and pick up right where we left off. But as the years have passed, many left off. But as the years have passed, many revelations about our respective journeys revelations about our respective journeys identifying as Black gay men have surfaced. identifying as Black gay men have surfaced.

I wanted to interview my friend, to let it be I wanted to interview my friend, to let it be known that not all of us live out and proud. known that not all of us live out and proud. Living out has consequences, as seen by Living out has consequences, as seen by many who are assaulted, raped, and killed. many who are assaulted, raped, and killed. Many of us hide in plain sight, choosing to Many of us hide in plain sight, choosing to relinquish our truth to a select few. relinquish our truth to a select few.

The Pastry Chef's story is unique. We talk

The Pastry Chef's story is unique. We talk sexuality, religion, family, but most sexuality, religion, family, but most important...his love and talent for baking. important...his love and talent for baking.

On starting a homegrown pastry business...

I

BRING SOMETHING NEW AND FRESH AT AN AFFORDABLE PRICE. I’M NOT PULLING IT OUT OF A FREEZER...

We’ve been friends for 14 years. I know who you are, but tell us a little about yourself for our readers.

That question is extremely broad, so I’ll give insight on every part, including my business. In my personal life, I’m a laid-back person that is super driven to be the best! I don’t club or party, but I am social My idea of fun is going to theme parks, bowling, movies, very general stuff I do like adventure, so I’ll travel if I can I also like museums and nerdy stuff like the Discovery Channel [laughs]

You do! I just found out you binge-watch whole seasons of Pokémon! [laughs]

My business life, I strive for excellence. I’m a perfectionist and every day is a challenge to better my craft. I can be a bit much when I’m baking because I like for my creativeness to go unbothered. I often get irritated with my significant other when he tries to get attention from me

Or the dog! [laughs]

[They] timing is just off! [laughs]

I like to think in relationships I’m very much the same: loving, and caring I’m hard on whomever it is but only in a good way I also like to joke and I’m really goofy. [laughs]

Unlike everyone else, you’ve chosen to remain anonymous. Not many people –including your family - know about your sexual orientation. Why keep this part of your life close to the chest?

I’ve chosen to keep this side private because I honestly feel it’s no one ’ s concern about what I choose to do in the home I pay bills at I’ve also seen and heard stories about guys who have taken that chance to tell their parents, and none of it ends well.

Yes, the unfortunate reality for a lot of us is that revealing that kind of information can have huge consequences.

You are either disowned or labeled I had a bad experience with my grandmother, who eavesdropped on my conversation one night when I was young She looked at me the next day and said, "never would I imagine in my own house " I don't wish that on anybody

Right, I remember you telling me about that. How did you swing that conversation? [laughs]

[Definitely] not as my boyfriend, of course, but as my “roommate ” [laughs]

Yo roommate!? [laughs] He hates [it], but he understands my stance on that topic.

Many LGBTQ+ people dream of being free in public places, including your boyfriend. How does this play out?

Things like that, including physical abuse, are just the tip of the iceberg.

Where I grew up was small; if one person knew, everyone did. I feel that how I chose to identify sexually is such a small piece of who I am. I’m a hard worker, friend, son, go-getter, smart, talented, well-mannered, and independent person. Those are things I want people to remember.

But doesn't this limit the relationships with friends, family, and potential partners?

It def plays a role in relationships but none of the others Relationships are a bit tougher, but I’m always honest I have no desire to compromise my way of life for any one person at least not now. I’m currently in [a relationship] and have been together for three years in February. He is the complete opposite. He doesn’t care who knows but respects my decision and how I feel about it. He's even met, my parents.

Honestly feel the n the front said I did My curre would be love who to me if know and with know me!

Right, b your face

We have our issues because he is open It is very hard to denied the attention he wants. I make sure to give him all that he needs when we are together at home.

On many occasions I’ve given him the option to leave and find someone more in line with what he wants but he never does. That tells me he would rather deal with my issues than walk away and that means a lot

Everyone’s realization about this is so unique. For you, when did you know you were attracted to men?

I guess I had that moment after a dude proceeded to act on how he felt towards me by means of grabbing my gentile area while I had my back turned.

What the hell! [laughs] Talk about being bold and rude!

I was in complete shock. I couldn’t believe he did that. I never suspected him but now that I look back at the comments he made and some of the things he’d do, he was clearly dropping

hints letting me know what was up I was just to naive to see them for what they were. That moment changed everything.

In your terms what is and does it mean to be a Black gay man?

For me it means constantly looking over your shoulder to see who is watching and trying to figure you out. To watch how you talk and carry yourself so as not to give anything away

Well got damn!

It means to walk a thin line between who you are as a person and what you do in the privacy of your home

Wow. That’s gotta be a constant mental battle.

For me it’s also a struggle daily of [questioning] am I holding back what God has for me because of how I chose to live my life?

Interesting...

Would things be better if I just didn’t partake in these activities? Trying to live up to parental expectations and your own

For me being Black and liking men is all kinds of emotions bottled up that you don’t know how to deal with on a daily basis.

One thing that I haven’t mentioned is that you’re born and raised in the southern U.S. What sort of taboos or other sayings and stereotypes do you hear about Black LGBTQ+ people?

The topic rarely came up in my house hold and in church, but I’d say the biggest thing is that HIV/AIDs started in the LGBTQ+ community

That makes sense. HIV/AIDs being a "gay" disease was the norm for so many years, even to this day.

For a while I thought only gay people could catch it In my town if a person had HIV/AIDs it was said they were messing with someone that was engaged in same sex activities.

That would be, for me the only thing said Of course they would also say it’s a sin and an abomination

You and I talk a lot about religion and how our families have influenced us tremendously growing up. In what ways has religion influenced your life, and what are some of the struggles religion is having on you today?

Religion I can honestly say is the reason for my struggle I grew up in church and at one point was even a licensed minister for a few years

Seriously? Never knew that one.

I did that because of my parents and members of the church pushing me to do it I was like 11-12 years old so I really didn’t know any better. I was told many times that there are certain things I couldn’t do or say And I assume a way of presenting yourself.

I found that to hinder my personal growth and rob me of my childhood. I did this is because at that same time I was battling my sexuality I felt I could not preach from a bible and tell people right from wrong if I was currently not living the word.

Right, because Christianity is notorious for condemning homosexuality.

I do believe if my back wasn’t so strong in religion, my parents and I would be different people and it may be fine that I am the way I am Unfortunately, that is not the case

Religion is the basis of all my decisions and often times I’m guided in life with that at the forefront. I can’t express enough how much it plays in my life and why I continue to struggle at 28

Can you talk about some of the life lessons and personal realizations you’ve had?

One reason I chose not to be open is because I realize that not everyone has an open mind Some people just walk around waiting on something to trigger that hate. Especially in this new 2019 era of life.

I understand being gay can be a trigger for people for many reasons. So you've chosen to hide?

I’ve learned to blend into my surroundings, not being true to who I am I’ve learned to take every situation I find myself in and adapt without compromising who I am. Jeez...

As a Black man I will be stereotyped and not be afforded that opportunities as a white man That in itself is more than enough to break a person. When you throw openly gay in there you now have a recipe for anything both good and bad

Damn the realness in this got me tearing up a bit.

Where I find myself at the moment is not the friendliest place for that Small towns have small mind sets and most are rooted in religion Big cities aren’t as bad so it’s ok to be free. In small towns you have to check those things so you won’t be over looked Another life lesson I learned the hard way is that gay men can be promiscuous

Well hell that ain’t just exclusive to gay men now.

[Well] you have to learn to protect yourself when being sexual with anyone I was not and before I even got to college orientation I caught my first STD

How sway?! [laughs]

I was super scared and didn’t know what was going on but luckily I had friends that helped. After my diagnosis the doctor expressed to me that it could’ve been worse and that I shouldn’t be active without protecting myself

"It means constantly looking over your shoulder to see who is watching and trying to figure you out..."

The

Well let’s take a breather and switch lanes. Within the last few years, you’ve started a business focusing on baking and pastries. What lead to this being your passion?

I’ve always been a creative person I started out wanting to be a veterinarian chasing the American dream [Instead] I later found myself chasing the arts I got accepted into a culinary school straight out of high school.

I met some people who later became some of my best friends Shortly after getting [to culinary school] I realized I was far behind the pact and in over my head

After my internship at Disney, I moved home and found a job. That all changed when I met my now significant other. We moved in together and after some time I started working two jobs, You stay having two jobs I swear! [laughs]

struggles of living in the shadows of American society

Well the money was ok but I still found myself with none at the end of the week. I needed extra money and the passion for baking was born

You love to see it! [laughs]

I saved this recipe I wanted to try. I invited some friends over and their minds were blown at how great it was A few paid me for the extras That turned into what is now a growing business and I’ve enjoyed every minute! I absolutely adore what I do and the reaction I get from people who purchase from me

What’s your inspiration in creating the kinds of desserts that you do?

My inspiration is anything I see. I live on Instagram admiring others work and getting ideas for my own I use those ideas as a basis to create something fresh that I’ve never seen before Even painting or cereal can inspire me. At the end of the day I’m trying to wow a customer with something that not only looks amazing but taste just as good

Give us a little sneak into the process. Like how long does it take and

where do you get all the supplies and ingredients?

I’d love to share a bit of the process!! First it starts with just having an idea of something. After that I take to Pinterest or Instagram to see if I can get a visual of what I want to achieve The easiest part is finding the recipe The hardest is decorating to relay what I’m trying to show you without speaking.

I can see that. It's the same way with writing. I'm trying to convey so much through words and your own imagination.

Some things I hit spot on, others you have to turn your head to the side and squint one eye [laughs] But it all taste good It looks good too!

Needless to say I’ve thrown things away and have had to start over [laughs] My supplies come from a number of places like Walmart, Hobby Lobby, Michael’s

I’m constantly on the lookout for new things to work with and stores that regularly have my products available.

How long does it take?

It really depends on how detailed a cake needs to be. If I had to put a time stamp on it I’d say from start to finish, if I’ve done that flavor before, will take 3 hours If everything is new: the cake, the design, it can easily take between 4-6 hours

Starting a business is no joke. What are some of the hardships & successes you’ve faced?

The toughest thing has been trying to be more active on social media. When I started the business I struggled with learning how everything worked and what was all out there I still do but I’ve gotten more familiar with it Constantly posting pics of my work and trying to aim advertising towards a group of people. It’s more than I can say. [laughs]

But I know yo house smells sooooo good!!

Yes because you STAY in Walmart. [laughs]

It does. [laughs] There are of course restrictions like on what I use - buttercream or cream cheese frostings, no fondant - and people who have dietary needs Keto is a big thing now and lots of people ask me to create something they can eat.

That’s uhhhh interesting. [laughs]

Things like that are challenging but it helps to know your customer and what people will and won't pay for. The biggest success for me is word of mouth. I bring something new and fresh at an affordable price I’m not pulling it out of a freezer like some of the big names

Right because you're home based.

I can afford to bake to order because at this point my clientele is still small and manageable

A lot of people I know started businesses or creative endeavors that reflect their personal beliefs. Does your personal life influence your business?

opinion and beliefs to myself. Because I’m still growing, it’s important to capture everyone I can to spread the word

I can’t alienate any group of people because of how I feel. On both of my pages you will not see any personal opinions of my own nor will you find anything outside of what I do It’s all about cakes, cupcakes, cookies, brownies

As a matter of fact, I’ve only posted two pictures of myself and that was because everyone thought I was a girl [laughs] So I did that to put a face with the product

Is that the kind of preconceived notions you find people have about baking? [laughs]

Yes, that women do it [laughs] I know very few men, if any that bake let alone Black men.

I would simply say continue to do what’s best for you. Don’t allow anyone to tell you to make a decision or force you to do something you ’ re not comfortable doing If they really care they will work through it with you. When you ’ re ready you will do what you need to do. Don’t conform to anyone ’ s idea of what you should be gay or straight

Okay I see out here. [laughs]

Boy you crazy. [laughs] Remember there is so much more to you than your sexuality and strive to make that how you ’ re remembered not who you laid down with last night. Be great every day, smile, treat people as you want to be treated and be patient with others

To be honest it really doesn’t I keep my personal

For people who struggle with their sexuality and aren’t comfortable being open about it, what words can you share based on your experiences?

They don’t understand what you have to deal with and you don’t understand there situation either. Just be YOU whatever that may be. In time it’ll all work out.

What advice, words of wisdom, or tips can you share for those who want to pursue the culinary arts like you?

Practice, practice, practice! Take advantage of any opportunity to get help from someone who is better. If I could do it again, I wouldn’t go back to the dorm after class. I’d stay and talk to my chefs and participate in functions. Cooking channel is great but there is nothing like the real thing. Practice, practice, practice! [laughs]

Well this was a long ass interview. [laughs] But I wanted to do this because not all of us are living out in the open, and even in our late twenties and thirties still struggle with selfacceptance, family rejection, so on. Thanks for agreeing to this. Any last words you want to leave the readers with?

I would just like to say thank you for giving me the chance to express myself and let people know that we don’t have it together and if you don’t that’s okay. Be the best you that you can be, don’t allow for everyone who is out and proud to pressure you to do the same. You will be all that and more in your own time.

If any of you would like to connect with me please reach out to the author and I’ll be more than happy to listen to your struggle and help anyway I can I’m here to tell you that you ’ re not alone in your struggle It just takes a few brave people to talk about it I started the conversation, what will you do?

"My business life I strive for excellence. I’m a perfectionist and every day is a challenge to better my craft. I like for my creativeness to go unbothered..."

The journey of business and personal life separation