HIMHIM Vol. 05

HIMHIM BREAKING THE RULEZ

SEARCHING FOR TRUTH

The Modern Queer Magazine

From The Editor

Four issues later, and we've barely scratched the surface of Black & Latino LGBTQ+ experiences. From living out loud to existing but not seen, from military life to marriage, these and more showcase a cast of broad strokes. The Modern Queer intends that these features can give food for thought and reveal the truth to power for me, them, and you all.

In the home stretch, the conversations hit on a few close-tohome topics: racism within the LGBTQ community, spirituality and Black consciousness, the idea of Black LGBTQ excellence, and the journey of questioning one's identity.

The keyword in this feature, for me, is the journey. I think you'll see what I mean, as this feature is quite the character.

Welcome to Vol. 5 of The Modern Queer

XZAVIER V. SIMON EDITOR IN CHIEF

By: Xzavier V. Simon

Photography:

J. Jacobee

Fun fact: The conversation that led to the creation of The Modern Queer happened with none other than Vol. 5's feature: HIMHIM - a native of Flint and an outspoken queer man of color.

HIMHIM and I met in 2015 at a workshop I was hosting for young Black men around meditation and discussing, in some ways, the very thing this magazine intends to do: bring awareness and conversation about the uniqueness of Black lives

Sitting in a room full of 20+ attendees, I instantly spotted HIMHIM and knew he was different.

Fast forward a few months, and he was my student during a pre-college summer program. It was then a mentorship formed.

In 2020, my former student is a grown man on a journey packed with heartache, growing pains, spiritual truth, and, most importantly, music and love. I am proud of his and The Modern Queer's first feature, DeWayne.

This interview asks hard questions, and I'm happy to say he delivered The Modern Queer is happy to feature the up and coming: HIMHIM

HIMHIM

That the world is always moving and evolving. I am always meeting people who will teach me something about myself, rather it’s something I like or don’t like.

When I first met you, you were in high school. I knew immediately you were into men. [laughs] Remind me who were you back then, and what was high school like?

Honestly, I have to say in high school, I was too nice. To the point where you could’ve considered me to be naive. I was very driven and determined, and I still exhibit those characteristics.

Mmm-hmm. In that workshop, you were incredibly outspoken, almost like you needed to be seen and heard.

EVERYTHING INFLUENCES ME FROM FASHION, MAKEUP, MUSIC...

As funny as it sounds to me now, I lacked a lot of confidence I felt like I wasn't good enough I sought a lot of guidance and acceptance in my surroundings.

High school was tough. I graduated from Northwestern High School in Flint. It was real good, good shit though. I was teased a lot at schoolespecially because of my sexuality at many points. Got into a lot of fights. Which I was teased more women then men surprisingly.

Now that's interesting. I also got teased a lot more by women than men.

It was definitely an experience.

We haven't seen each other in about three years. You've grown tremendously, but define for everyone who J. Jacobee is, and how the name came to be.

Really funny story! To start my name is Jesse Jacobee Davis Jr. My mom wanted to name me Jacobee, but my dad's name is Jesse, and my dad never had a Jr

So they decided to name me after him. Except my dad’s middle name isn’t Jacobee. My sisters wanted to name me Jacobee with two E’s at the end. When my mom was sedated from labor my dad named me on my birth certificate.

That’s a unique ass story.

Yeah! I would like to think of myself as the go to person I’m whoever you need me to be at that moment. I’m a man of many gifts, skills, and talents.

What are your dreams and aspirations?

I aspire for life abundance, financial security, and my musical talents to have fruition.

About these "gifts, skills and talents," when did you discover you had the gift for the creative arts?

I was 3 years old singing OmarionSpeedin’ at the top of my lungs.

Damn three years old?! [laughs] What is it about the creative arts that influence who you are and what you’re about?

Everything influences me from fashion, makeup, music, sound, resonance, the writing, the process of creating art, and to the different people who create art, food, etc. I’m influenced by all of this. It all teaches me something about myself It creates opportunity for me to think of something new that I could add to my art.

Lately you've been into dance and choreography. What gave birth to this new side of you?

Well a lot of people know, but I've been dancing for about 6 years. I've taken it seriously for about three years! It started off in high school when I saw our dance team, Wildcats in Motion. After that I auditioned, and it just went up from there

What did you perform at your audition?

No Auto Him

My first audition piece was Jezebel by Sade. The journey has been interesting. Watching myself transition from style to style and how I put my flare to it.

What are a couple things you've learned about yourself, business, and the industry in the pursuit of your passions?

Let me start by saying there is a lot of paperwork baby It’s really about putting yourself in certain places at the right time - a lot of networking. Doing music is costly. I’m 20, so I’ve really had to condition my mind to think and operate as a business man. This is called music business for a reason.

Since we're both creative artist I'm sure you can relate to this: what sort of messages do you want to convey through your craft?

I want it to resonate high! I want people to understand that being yourself is the most important thing.

I feel like that's the vibe a lot of creatives are on lately. There seems to be a push for vulnerability and authenticity.

I just want my talent level to show more than anything else. My dedicated to the music. I want people to be able to

connect with me. That's why I press my sound and harmonies like I do.

The ability to connect...

It's all an embodiment of my inner self and emotions. I just want things to be more about my music than my image, and I feel like that's one of the biggest takeaways in this industry now - dance and music wise.

But I see you a rule breaker though. I don't see a lot of people with the flare and originality you have in this city.

My will is to [always] see good in every situation, even if it's an entire shit show. [laughs]

It's that kind of attitude that has gotten me through a lot of rough times.

I don't give up easy and my love flows deep There's a balance that I create in my life that I want reflected in my every day Also, I just genuinely don't care what a lot of people think. I do me the best way I know how.

Alright! So now that we got all the cookie cutter questions out the way, lets get to the grit! [laughs]

What does Black gay culture mean to you and how does it reasonate?

This is a QUESTION! [laughs]

I told you! [laughs]

In these times I have to ask myself what does being Black to me. Then what does being gay mean to me!

That part!! Because that's some real shit to figure out. [laughs] But continue...

The color of my skin is something that I cannot change I can't wipe it off, and it goes everywhere that I go throughout my life.

Amen.

My melanin is where I come from, and Black culture is American culture.

Okay!! Let's have that conversation! You cannot talk about America without talking about Black people. They are inextricably intertwined.

It is the foundation which my ancestors built when forced to make this place home. After talking about Black culture, I then add on layers of pride, strength, and transparency.

Crazy how two labels can have such a profound impact on your life.

It's added weight to the Black American experience AND being Bisexual/Gay.

I am a man a part of LGBT culture. Not just ‘gay’ culture, but a collective of different people, of different walks, who can resonate with one another upon our experiences.

Indeed. I believe, if anything, that's the underlying theme of The Modern Queer. Black LGBTQ culture is a mesh of so many different experiences. Although we identify under the same society label, we have similar but vastly different stories.

Well I have one question for the masses. Have you ever experienced a racist gay white person?

True! We don't even discuss racism in the LGBTQ community. But that's a whole separate interview on just that alone! [laughs]

That question alone expresses a lot. There aren't many differences.

Talking a little about experiences...we've all made some questionable decisions trying to navigate this thing called lifeespecially as Black people. What do you feel are some of the pitfalls LGBTQ youth make, and what are some of yours?

Well, I don't like speaking about everyone as a collective

because we all have walked different walks. Though, some things I do see is a lot of people latch onto the wrong people The wrong person can influence the smallest of things. I see a lot of our community putting other people down. We don't support each other enough, but to me that surpasses being gay sometimes.

The wrong person most often times is someone we're in a relationship with whether it be friendship wise, sexually or romantically. What does the word "relationship" mean to you, and how has the meaning and expectations of relationships changed as you've gotten older?

As I've gotten older, I feel like relationships have become TRENDS! Commitment and dating are substituted with sex and looking good for the internet.

My melanin is where I come from, and Black culture is American culture. It is the foundation which my ancestors built. ON BLACK GAY CULTURE

"I’m looking for better versions of myself."

So how would you define it for yourself?

I like courtships; getting to know somebody and establishing a connection because I truly value them. Before there are relationships, there are friendships. I want to date somebody and take trips! I want more than 6 months of someone’s time. That’s seems to be normal for relationships these days.

Well I’ve noticed within the last 2 years or so, you’ve been in search of something. I’m going to say your own personal truth, but in your own words, what are you looking for?

I’m looking for better versions of myself.

A friend of mines would say "that's delicious!" [laughs]

[laughs] I’m inquiring that the Universe/GOD will bestow more peace and understanding into my life. In my life right now, living in Flint, I just want more opportunity and connections. I’M LOOKING FOR MY CALLING!

You've also been traveling a bit lately too. What has your life experiences and travels taught you about yourself, people, the world?

That the world is always moving and evolving. I am always meeting people who will teach me something about myself, rather it’s something I like or don’t like

I have the full ability to change it! The mind and spirit are very powerful beings, especially with its connection to the Universe I’m very observant of my surroundings and the energies and people around me

You gotta be aware, feel, understand and commune with the energy.

I would consider myself an intuitive empath. Life is a give and take and I personally feel that in order for something to thrive in this world some things has to be lost and/or sacrificed. I feel like people are losing their sense of reality.

Can you talk about some of the things you’ve done for the LGBTQ community here in Flint?

Well, I haven’t done very much starting off here in Flint for my community. This year myself and a few others had a strong opportunity to bring a club here for the community to come to called Tease. It was an after-hours club that was located on Clio Rd.

"Continue to spread good energy, light, and love."

Right! I remember you telling me about it.

It’s was doing really well, people were coming and we were able to get our community to come together way more Sadly, under certain circumstances we had to close down. Hopefully in the future there will be opportunities to get our community under one roof again! Also, I performed for Flint Pride this year in June!

How was that experience!

[It] was probably my favorite performance thus far. I really wanted it to inspire! It was so raw, untraditional, and full of pride. I can’t wait to experience that again.

What are some of the moments thus far, that you look back on and wonder how did you make it through?

I’m indecisive as hell! Out of all the creative endeavors I’ve tackled, I have never been able to be honest with myself and focus on one thing. I’m still wiggling my way around these questions. Also, my sexuality. I feel like a lot of my life, I spent time trying to please others.

In doing that, I have truly stopped my potential in many ways. I like what I like, which just so happens to be both women and men. I have learned to be ok with that and myself. I’m a little complicated. [laughs]

Photography: Joshua Johnson Design

People often underestimate the impact words have. These words painted on your body, to me, represent words both straight and LGBTQ people weaponize against each other and how long they stay attached to us. Seeing this photo, what was your intention in revealing, quite literally, the naked truth?

Honestly this collaboration had two meanings behind them. For me, “the naked truth”, and Joshua Johnson, “Purity, Sympahy, and Innocence.” You know as a child, we’re just growing. The only things we know how to do is bring light, love and GROW up. We as people don’t take a step back to ask ourselves why we do the things we do, why we feel the way we feel about certain things

I agree with this completely. We aren't allowed to really take those moments to deeply reflect.

I wanted to get naked and uncomfortably, comfortable and show people all of me. I wanted to show even the parts I hate! Except I wanted to show it with all of the words that people have called me, and billions of other people that are simply ignorant Those words have absolutely no meaning, yet so much

The flowers from the segment represent purity and innocence. Something that as I’ve gotten older, I have tried so hard to keep Yet I’ve done a terrible job. I’m laughing as I write this. Where there is good there is bad But Good always trumps all If you keep a positive of what you want for yourself.

When society thinks of masculinity, it thinks of it as tough, emotionless, aggressive. It looks and talks a particular way, especially for Black men. Can you talk about how you deal with this?

Ha �� ❗ Yes, I put an emoji in my response. About a year and a half ago, I began asking myself that question when it came to dating women Masculinity is suppose to be the embodiment of a man. He is male in appearance. He is male in heart and soul. He shows strength and composure beyond woman. I define masculinity as the act of that. It’s normal for a man to show feminine traits. Men who don’t see femininity in men are simply ignorant.

How has this been in your relationships with men?

I have had so many problems with men based off of some of the careers paths that I have

chosen, what I enjoy, and how they relate to how I operate in my daily life.

Right because you very much operate in who you are! [laughs]

Makeup, heels, added my mannerisms with my hands I’m simply myself.

Black LGBTQ+ culture has been on the forefront of breaking barriers and redefining well everything. I think of Mikoto from vol. 1 and his redefinition of masculinity in terms of his style of fashion. Do you feel you embody this similar trait of pushing boundaries and rejecting preconceived notions?

I agree one-hundred percent I created the man I am out of love. I didn’t give myself or who I said I wanted to be boundaries. I didn’t wanna give myself labels. Labels create inner conflict and I don’t want that over my life. Being told and having to accept the concept that I’m a gay male is hard enough.

Hmmm...

I have to live everyday understanding that someone doesn’t love me because of who I’m attracted to, or because I’m Black.

When I can just live being myself. Because when I do that, I’m restricting the potential of my legacy.

Sex is a mainstay in the LGBTQ community, particularly so for men. There’s this idea that sex makes the man and the bigger the dick, the harder the muscles, the better. What’s your take on this notion of gay men’s obsession with sex and the idea of masculinity?

It’s sexist. It’s kinda like the I want the perfect image factor. I personally don’t want a average gay relationship. Almost kinda like the bottom, top, verse scenario. Gays are so consumed by the lust factor that they’ve almost completely dismantled dating/courtship.

Yes it's a bit of the gay male parabox I believe. We all say that we want a relationship, but we focus so much of our energy trying to fuck the hottest thing we meet.

I wish some people would ask themselves, “out of all the the men I’ve slept with, how many of them did I get to know before I did?”

“How many of the relationships that I’ve been in started off with friendship?”

Well we're pretty much at the end of our conversation. It has been a hell of a ride. To those aspiring creatives, to the young Black LGBTQ folk, what sort of encouragement can you offer?

Just be yourself. Continue to spread good energy, light, and love. I promise you that it will ALWAYS come back to you. Keep working and never get comfortable. The minute you do is how you get stuck. Stay completely away of your surroundings, cause the company you keep can be the very people who hinder you. Company sometimes can be yourself.

For my final question: who and/or what inspires you?

I’m inspired by the support system I’ve curated. I’m Inspired by the wonderful musicians who play around me and speak to my ears. I’m inspired by the vocalists/artist that have fed my voice and spirit through the years. I’m also inspired by the things I’ve learned. I’m inspired by myself and my progress!

"I have to live everyday understanding that someone doesn’t love me because of who I’m attracted to, or because I’m Black."