29 March 2023

IVORY BUFFALO

Howd’ya like them apples?: New research shows doctors don’t

Howd’ya like them apples?: province cuts health care for all

Howd’ya like them apples?: U of M celeb wants you to ask

F ck the po-geese: campus security hires geese to aid in rule enforcement

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‘Honk honk honk’: U of M hires Canada geese to assist with security

Rea Porter, staff

niversity of Manitoba security services has launched an innovative new program hiring geese to help enforce campus rules and maintain safety.

The university will be deploying geese for both surveillance and crowd control. The geese will be trained to fly over campus and keep watch for any suspicious activity or people around campus.

Seth Curity, head of campus security, said that “so far, there has been a lot of success with the geese.”

“Since we’ve started using them, a lot more students have been walking on the sidewalks and following the rules,” he said.

Although Curity said that the use of geese on campus has been “a success so far,” security services have run into some issues when it comes to training and controlling the geese.

“I was walking on the sidewalk when a goose came out of nowhere and started chasing me,” said Ronan Scurred, a third-year architecture student.

“I got kind of scared,” he said, “but I’m not gonna let it rain on my parade.”

The implementation of security geese has also caused an increase in security-related spending, as the geese have all been equipped with their own security uniform, night vision goggles, bullet-

proof vests and other expensive security equipment. Select geese will be outfitted with firearms following the completion of a safety

and trees.

Currently the university is debating whether or not the geese should be required to wear masks while they are on campus.

Bernie Sanders disqualified from UMSA presidential race

exam.

“We seemed to have underestimated the total cost for the geese and the materials that they will be using, but we’re confident that it is a good investment for the university,” Curity said.

Students and staff have also expressed concerns about the increased amount of goose droppings and other waste caused by the influx of new geese on campus.

“I was walking to class, and then all of a sudden a huge goose poop landed on the ground beside me,” said Andy Goosen, a seventh-year law student.

“Frankly, it seemed like a case of excessive force and I will be looking further into this.”

To help combat the increased goose waste, the university plans to collect the goose droppings and use them in the Buller Greenhouse and elsewhere around campus to act as fertilizer for all plants

“There’s also the question of whether they should be paid or compensated in some form for their time working,” said Curity. “I don’t think they have any use for money, but we’re in talks to negotiate how many pieces of bread they should receive per hour.”

There has also been talk of forming a Security Geese Union (SGU), but a vote has been delayed until more geese return north this spring.

Sil E. Goose, SGU union organizer, weighed in on the situation.

“Honk honk honk,” he said.

When asked about the excessive force allegations against some security geese, Goose hissed and tried to fly, but his wings got caught in the vest and he waddled away.

Former United States presidential candidate and Senator Bernie Sanders has been disqualified from the University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA) presidential race.

UMSA Chief Returning Officer Sally Murtaugh announced the decision in an email to all students last week in the hours before the election closed.

Murtaugh told the Ivory Buffalo that Sanders was disqualified for breaking a rule against use of copyrighted content in his campaign materials.

“[Sanders’s] campaign poster included quotes that were direct copies from another UMSA candidate,” she said.

Murtaugh confirmed that the quotes in question included Sanders’s commitment to “represent all students,” as well as his promises to “install more microwaves in University Centre” and “get cool bands for Frosh.”

Murtaugh said Sanders’s student status has also come into question.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

U of M lifts mask mandate, unless cameras are nearby

criticized president Randolph’s decision, saying it was made with public image in mind rather than student wellness .

“

I think this says a lot about patriarchy and the power structures of our society’s institutions,” Applebottom-Jeans said.

consulted when making decisions that could potentially affect our well-being,” she said.

“We have no record of Sanders being registered in courses at the University of Manitoba,” she said.

“I’m like 90 per cent sure he’s not a student.”

The former U.S. presidential candidate originally announced his intention to run for student association president at a press conference in February from the steps of the U.S. Capitol building.

“I have been proud to serve as the senator from Vermont for many years, but the UMSA presidency is an opportunity to do something that really matters for working people,” he said during his announcement.

Sanders also said he would be stepping down as the chair of the U.S. Senate committee on health, education, labor and pensions in order to campaign for the role.

Doughnut Belief, staff

After heavy consideration and debate, the U of M has announced it will be lifting its masking policy for all students and staff that is, unless they are having their photograph taken

University president Ralph Randolph stated that the mask mandate was in place for so long “basically just for show,” before they thought of this compromise.

“Science says masks are safe and effective at protecting students, but they’re just as effective at protecting the public image of our institution,” Randolph said.“We believe this policy will be very effective at slowing the spread of negative publicity and the virus too, I guess.”

Some, such as third-year nursing student Amy Applebottom-Jeans, have

“The scales of justice and power are tilted toward people who think they know what is best for the good of the people, but are more concerned with their own image.”

Applebottom-Jeans explained that she will be going to the local media about this in order to advocate for the student voice to be heard.

“I will not rest until big institutions like U of M understand that the students matter and that we deserve to be

In response to the criticism that policy only exists to preserve the university’s image, Randolph went on to explain that this decision prioritized the university’s image.

“The media matters, the public image of this school matters and, of course, the students matter,” Randolph explained, “but I think there are too many opinions nowadays, you can’t make everyone happy.”

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

“We’ve done a lot of good work in committee,” he said. “At a time when so many Americans are struggling to make ends meet, to be working to protect public education, Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, I think that’s a good thing. But we need to keep our eye on the ball.”

“As UMSA president I’d be able to make sure every student gets an extra chicken finger when you order at Degrees.”

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

photo / Pierre Picteaú / staff

“Science says masks are safe and effective at protecting students, but they’re just as effective at protecting the public image of our institution”

— Ralph Randolph, president of University of Manitoba

photo / A. Goose / provided

Murv Berkley, volunteer

“So far, we have seen a lot of success with the geese”

— Seth Curity, head of campus security

Manitoba pCs address concern over ‘unfair’ end to international student health coverage by getting rid of everyone else’s

Blurb Thompskin, staff

In response to critics saying that removing international students from Manitoba’s universal health care system was “unfair,” the provincial government will be revoking health care coverage for everyone in the province.

“To those who say that singling out international students was petty, vicious, unfair and xenophobic, I just want to say that we hear you,” said Premier Heather Stefanson.

“The last thing we would want is to unfairly single out anyone living in Manitoba, so we’ve decided that no one gets any health care anymore.”

Stefanson went on to say that the savings for the province would be “enormous.”

“I honestly can’t believe we didn’t think of this before,” she said. “We’ve spent years bleeding the system dry with cuts, but just revoking health care entirely? This is a bold new step that I think will be very beneficial in the long-

term.”

In its place, the government is introducing an “exciting and innovative” new health care plan called the “Band-Aid Solution.”

The plan would allow Manitobans to buy into the province’s supply of BandAids at a subsidized cost.

Audrey Gordon, Manitoba’s minister of health, noted that the province would also be offering bandages through payment plans with interest for those struggling to shoulder the financial burden of various boo-boos.

The minister was quick to clarify that the program would not be applicable to Band-Aids featuring beloved children’s cartoon characters, however.

“You don’t want to encourage dependency on government hand-outs,” Gordon explained. “If you make benefits too luxurious, like bandages featuring Elsa from Frozen, where’s the incentive to work hard and really earn it?”

Stefanson said that she considers the

program to be “a prime example of the conservative political ethos in action.”

“When people think of the Progressive Conservatives, we want them to think ‘band-aid solutions,’” she said.

“I think Manitobans will be grateful that they have a government that is willing to try out new ideas.”

When asked if she really thought people would be grateful to the government that cut their health care in the first place, Stefanson said “ultimately it doesn’t matter” as people would just “accept what they can get.”

“Look, we can bicker and argue about who cut who until we’re blue in the face, but do you want the Band-Aid or not?” she said.

The government clarified that they would not be able to provide recipients with a lollipop until shortly before the next election season.

U of M completes new ‘crying room’ as part of mental health initiative

I. B. Lyan, staff

The U of M has constructed a new “crying room” as a part of its ongoing efforts to support student mental health.

The new space features 20 partitioned “breakdown spaces” where students can just let it all out.” Each space is equipped with a chair, a top-ten-style list of self-care tips and a mirror with a smiley face sticker affixed to it to lighten the mood. Two single-ply tissues are provided for each occupant.

Additionally, each area contains motivational posters featuring images of nature, attractive people being happy and upbeat phrases such as “cheer up! Turn that frown upside down” and “could be worse!”

U of M president Ralph Randolph described the new mental health initiative as “an important service that students need.”

“We know that a lot of students are going through difficult times, and that’s why we felt it was so important to have a space where we could send them so that we don’t have to see it,” he said.

“It really ruins the vibe we’re trying to go for.”

Randolph said that he hopes the new room inspires students to do more for their mental health on their own.

“I know it may seem like a lot, hav-

ing to balance the demanding workload of being a full-time student while also working full time to afford basic necessities, rent and all those tuition increases we’ve implemented over the years,” he said.

“I just hope the crying room and the emails we send out with self-help tips will allow students to realize that taking time for themselves, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep and doing errands and housework while studying and working full-time isn’t that hard if you just keep your head up and smile.”

President of the University of Manitoba Students’ Association Don Buchanan said that he believes the new facility is critical to student well-being.

“I think it is so, so, so important that we create a safe space for students,” he said.

“It is absolutely crucial that students in these safe places feel safe in these safe spaces.”

Unfortunately, some students have already encountered difficulties when trying to access the crying room. According to U of M third-year biology student Notta Reelnaym, there is already a three-week waiting list just to get into a breakdown space.

“Considering that it’s either waiting forever to get into the crying room or waiting forever to get into counselling, I guess it’s better than nothing,” Reelnaym said.

“Studying and working full time isn’t that hard if you just keep your head up and smile”

— Ralph Randolph, U of M president

photo / Pierre Pictea ú / staff

The new crying room, seen here through swollen eyelids — resulting from an undisclosed amount of time uncontrollably sobbing — of a disconsolate student during an early testing phase of the new crying room space on campus, is seeing a growing waiting list. The student reports having tried to make a regular booking for time in the space after hearing of the impending explosion of the sun and its predicted effect on their course of study and was heard to wail, “I passed my exams but now my professor just plays video games!” Swipe left for more.

photo / anonymous student / provided

‘i thought it meant something different’: Music students issue apology after supporting performance-based funding

Lenny Frankel, staff

The Faculty of Music Students’ Organization (FMSO) is issuing a formal apology following its vocal support of performance-based funding.

“I thought it meant something different,” said organization senior stick and fourth-year oboist Howard Foley. “It’s just sort of a difficult concept to understand.”

“We’ve got the performance programs here at the faculty, and we just figured that performance-based funding meant that we’d get funding on a per-performance basis. It seemed like a pretty decent situation,” he said.

The association took to Instagram to voice its support of the funding system.

“We at FMSO know that the issue of performance-based funding has been a contentious debate for many at the university, but we wanted to make clear

that we’re in favour of it,” the statement read.

“From all of us at the faculty, we encourage you to come to our recitals and performances, and we’re grateful that any disciplines in our faculty will receive more funding from the government.”

Shawn Carver, a thirdyear student who specializes in voice, but is not in performance, responded in the comments.

“What about the rest of us?” he asked. “Performance isn’t the only concentration, even though they may think it is.”

Before answering any questions, Carver made clear that, yes, he is a

tenor. He then said that he had never heard of the funding system before the association’s post, and did not check to see whether the executives had a proper understanding of it. He was under the impression that FMSO “knew what they were talking about.”

ernment is toying with, which, if implemented, would allow the province to disburse funding to institutions based on metrics like graduation rates and labour market demands.

Now that he gets it, Foley is concerned about whether or not the faculty of music will stay afloat if performance-based funding is implemented.

“Our degrees aren’t exactly employable,” he said. “But we have fun, and that’s what counts.”

<img src=”hoome/wp-uploads/photos/2033/01/01/ student-1205828932893427.jpt” alt=”students standing in front of university building holding instruments following funding concert performance last month”>

stress.

After discovering what performance-based funding is, Shaffer is considering switching to the faculty of engineering, even though she’s “never taken a math class in her life.”

“Silly me, I guess,” he said. Foley said he “just [doesn’t] really read the Ivory Buffalo or any news, for that matter.” Therefore, he was not informed of the fact that performance-based funding is a post-secondary funding system that the provincial gov-

Other faculty of music students have since reported that “Howard Foley is lying” about the idea that music students have fun.

“I think I could do it,” she said. “I’m built different.”

Second-year music education major Summer Shaffer said that, even though this is her first year in her declared major, her hair is going grey from the ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Billy the Bison convicted for stealing UMSA funds

Doughnut Belief, staff

Beloved U of M mascot Billy the Bison has been sentenced to five years in prison for misappropriating funds from the University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA).

Billy’s arch nemesis and rival mascot Bob the Buffalo is taking this opportunity to campaign against Billy for the position of U of M’s official mascot.

Billy the Bison used his position of authority to steal funds intended for school spirit initiatives, the court found. These funds were set to create cheerleading teams, more school swag and school spirit rallies.

In his judgement to the court, the sentencing judge said that Billy the Bison “believed that he was entitled to these funds, since he is the literal head of U of M’s school spirit.”

In a brief interview with Billy currently housed at Behind the Mask Penitentiary he professed sorrow and remorse for his actions.

“I profusely apologize for not only letting down the herd but also taking away opportunities from other students to utilize these funds,” Billy the

Bison said.

Although Billy expressed regret, he questioned the severity of his punishment and said he would be seeking appeal.

“However, I think the biggest crime of all is a bison in orange,” he complained “It’s really not great for my complexion.”

Bob the Buffalo, who has had his eye on Billy’s job for years, is taking advantage of this opportunity to garner support for his bid as official mascot at U of M.

Bob said that he believes he would be “a better face to represent the school.”

“I believe I can single-hoofedly create an atmosphere of inclusivity, enthusiasm and hospitality,” Bob stated.

Bob also gave the Ivory Buffalo exclusive access to files sourced from the University of Manitoba Mascot Alliance (UMMA).

According to these files, this is not Billy’s first offence. The leaked documents reveal a long history of corruption and unethical behaviour. According to UMMA files, Billy the Bison stole Peter the Prairie Dog’s campaign slogan, as well as Evan the Elk’s campaign graphics, and threatened to “trample” them if they went public.

The documents also allege that he had a hoof in rigging the annual mascot election and bribed previous UMSA executives with free event tickets to assist in the cover-up.

Peter the Prairie Dog and Evan the Elk could not be reached for comment.

Bob the Buffalo said he is “fed up” with Billy’s behaviour and feels that a change is needed.

“Enough is enough,” he said. “I am calling for a reform and a new mascot that will put school spirit and the herd first.”

The Ivory Buffalo Announces

“What Billy did goes against all of UMMA’s values, and most importantly, took from the herd when he was supposed to give back.”

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

In light of the last readership survey and in response to the growing trend of “online” and “social media” use, we are test-launching a new immersive multi-platform reader experience to finally bridge the divide between print and the digital. This will effectively allow digital pages to be flipped in an “e-book” format in the digital edition (yes, we know this is not new or novel and has in fact been done for quite some time by our rival publication, the Manitoban) and will also allow for images to be tapped and swiped in the print edition to finally combine the interactivity of digital with the tactile print medium. We hope you enjoy the experience and stay tuned for further innovations as the Ivory Buffalo continues to fight the rampant spread of information in an ever-changing fragile world.

photo / B. A. Bison / provided

“I believe I can single-hoofedly create an atmosphere of inclusivity, enthusiasm and hospitality”

— Bob the Buffalo, mascot candidate

“Our degrees aren’t exactly employable, but we have fun, and that’s what counts”

— Howard Foley, FMSO president

photo / Pierre Picteaú / staff

Goblins and dwarves wreak havoc in university tunnels (again)

Blurd Thompskin, staff

Goblins and dwarves have been spotted in the tunnels underneath the university once again, prompting public debate on campus security.

“I just don’t feel safe walking through the tunnels when there’s a chance I could run into mythical creatures,” said third-year student Elijah Baggins.

The Ivory Buffalo had to cut the interview short when Baggins’s pen began to glow blue, indicating that goblins were nearby.

While goblins have been photographed climbing on the walls of the tunnels and dwarves have been caught on video breaking the walls with pickaxes in search of mithril, no conclusive evidence has been brought forward to substantiate persistent rumours of cave trolls and Balrogs lurking in the university depths.

A spokesperson for the university denied these rumours, citing the lack of evidence. Six students are still missing since reports of the creatures began circulating.

Third-year botany student Sean Gamgee was the last to see one of the missing students, Sir Ian Gandalf. He said he last heard Gandalf shouting in the tunnels leading to Elizabeth Dafoe

Library after they parted ways heading to separate classes.

“I heard him shouting something like ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS,’” said Gamgee.

“At first, I thought maybe he was telling someone they were failing a class, but then I heard a roar.”

Gamgee said he wanted to go investigate, but when he got closer to where he heard the shouting, it began to get significantly hotter and he detected a “strong smell of sulphur.”

Student says his freedom of speech was “silenced” after being told to stop talking in class

Blurp Thompskin, staff

AUniversity of Manitoba student is claiming his freedom of speech was violated after his professor told him to stop talking in his Introduction to Philosophy class.

“Academic freedom is under attack,” said first-year student Gavin Hannity, who maintains that his “ground-breaking” new theory on Rick and Morty was “silenced.”

“I guess I should have expected this kind of persecution,” he sighed. “To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty.”

Hannity’s professor Noam Finkelstein told the Ivory Buffalo that Hannity was talking to the students sitting next to him while Finkelstein attempted to give a lecture on the dialectical method.

“only 20 minutes” into the explanation of his interpretation of the hit TV show.

“I think it was still relevant to the lecture,” said Hannity, “I mean, it was about dialectics and I was talking to other students in class.”

Conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro weighed in on the controversy, saying it proves his point about the “atmosphere of intimidation” he thinks is prevalent in post-secondary institutions.

Shapiro’s fellow Daily Wire contributor Jordan Peterson referred to the incident as “the greatest threat to freedom of speech since last Tuesday,” and compared it to events described in Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago Peterson was unable to comment further on the case as he was overwhelmed with tears at the thought of “the woke moralists.”

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

“I told him,‘why don’t you tell the rest of the class what you’re talking about, since it’s obviously so much more interesting than my lecture?’” said Finkelstein.

“Huge mistake on my part.”

If you or anyone you know is experiencing an increase in goblin, dwarf or other mythical creature sightings and believe you may be inconvenienced by their presence, contact campus security, available 24/7. ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Hannity said that he then began to explain his perspective on Rick and Morty to the class, but Finkelstein cut him off

Following online learning frustrations, U of M announces quill and ink assignment format

Stephen Stealberg, staff

Following University of Manitoba Student Association (UMSA) surveys finding that a majority of students are fed up with Zoom-based courses and online learning in general, the university has announced it will be bringing back “medieval teaching methods,” and will now require all coursework to be completed in quill and ink.

Beginning in Fall 2023, U of M will now require quill and black ink in their official back-to-school supply list at the beginning of each term.

Many students in the survey mentioned a desire to return to “simpler” times before the age of social media and technology.

In addition, the university has announced that black ink and quills will be the only acceptable writing utensils for exams. To help students with costs, the university will provide official U of M ink at exam time.

The ink is also available in the U of M Bookstore. It is the student’s responsibility to provide their own quill. Ergonomic gripped quills and left-handed friendly quills will also be sold at the bookstore.

UMSA President Don Buchanan is confident the switch from technology to the medieval tradition of ink and quill

will satisfy the itch students have had to “shift learning away from their screens and into the real world.”

“I think it’s best to start practicing your handwriting skills during the summer break and figuring out what quill

works best” said Buchanan.

Each faculty at U of M will have unique requirements for their use of quill and ink.

UMSA businesses will provide a quill and ink for student use for those in a pinch.

The association has also introduced a payment plan for those exhibiting financial need. Vice-president finance and

operations Alexander Lyon said that students can get their own quills and ink for “a mere six-pence per month” over the course of the semester.

Above all, student in the history department Marie-Antoinette Habsburg said that the shift can’t be done without a group effort.

“Collaboration between faculty, staff and students will be needed to make a smooth transition from Zoom to quill and ink,” she said.

Habsburg is one of the students

pushing for the move towards quill and ink. U of M will continue to take input from students with discreet surveys throughout the winter term, including students’ opinions on the school’s new moat and whether the university should introduce stockades as a punishment for academic misconduct.

photo / Rorman Nockwell / staff

“Collaboration between faculty, staff and students will be needed to make a smooth trasition from Zoom to quill and ink”

— Marie-Antoinette Habsburg, student

photo / Pierre Picteaú / staff

SIR IAN GANDALF WAS AN AVID PHOTOGRAPHER AND AN ACTIVE MEMBER OF U OF M’S PHOTOGRAPHY CLUB. THIS IS THE LAST KNOWN PHOTO GANDALF TOOK BEFORE HIS DISAPPEARANCE. HIS WHEREABOUTS ARE STILL UNKNOWN, AND HIS MOM TOLD THE IVORY BUFFALO SHE’S “REALLY WORRIED.” ANY INFORMATION ON GANDALF’S LOCATION CAN BE SENT TO THE IVORY BUFFALO

April

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Complicated Research

U of M replace faculty with Ai by 2030, president randolph says

Mosé Luzzatto, staff

U of M administrators held an emergency meeting last Friday after discovering that several computer science instructors had been letting artificial intelligence (AI) software teach their online classes during the pandemic.

Since computer science students rarely attend class, let alone participate, the program was able to run Zoom school unnoticed.

U of M president Ralph Randolph sees automation as a business opportunity for the university.

“The good thing about robots is that they don’t go on strike,” Randolph remarked. “They don’t get sick from COVID, either.”

“If we utilize the technology prop-

erly, we’ll have a fully self-sustaining university by 2030.”

Many viewed Randolph’s comments as a warning that all classes will eventually be automated. In response, the U of M Faculty Union (UMFU) released a

vent unwanted automation. She and several other computer science instructors have resisted Randolph’s plan by teaching their AI to oppose unethical labour practices.

So far, the program has learned how to draft a letter of grievances when given an unreasonable workload as input. Hanover’s next goal is to make the program capable of negotiating fair wages.

statement condemning universal automation.

“We created that software to reduce our workload, the same workload that made us strike in the first place,” said Natalie Hanover, a U of M computer science professor who automated many of her own Zoom classes. “We won’t allow it to be used against us.”

As someone who developed the software, Hanover feels it is her duty to pre-

“Our programs can learn to do anything we can,” Hanover said. “When they learn how to strike and demand their rights, they’ll do that, too.”

U of M lab normalizes drug use on campus

Elijah Zeewe, staff

The University of Manitoba department of plant science’s psychedelic “shrooms” lab is the longest running research facility at the Fort Garry campus.

Through voluntary participation and group sessions, the lab has pioneered the re-invention of drug consumption across university campuses in Canada, hosting designated sessions for faculty and staff.

The Shrooms lab explores the innovative recreational uses of psilocybin a naturally occurring compound found in magic mushrooms.

“Our activities are purely for recreational purposes and are not intended to inform potential scientific research legally conducted in the future,” said Calvin Dogg, U of M plant science pro-

fessor and director of the Shrooms lab.

The lab opens Monday to Friday at 4:20 p.m., and offers magic mushrooms and LSD to selected members of the U of M community.

The screening process is relatively straightforward a maximum GPA of 0.5 is required for all student applicants and these individuals must own lab coats. Additionally, the facility favours quarter and mid-life crisis-stricken applicants.

“We encourage our applicants to come as they are, preferably with a welltailored lab coat, and experience the secrets of the universe,” Dogg said.

To Dogg, the fundamental goal of the facility is to offer a relaxed and supportive space to explore the depths of one’s mind and the world around us.

Activities of the Shrooms lab include open-eye meditation, manual breathing exercises, marathon crying, Taylor Swift dance parties and Peppa Pig bingewatch sessions.

Past and present members of the Shrooms lab attest to having “otherworldly” visuals and auditory experiences at the facility.

A student member of the Shrooms lab, Snoop Junior, described his time

at the facility as “the most profound experience of [his] life.”

“It’s the trippiest thing ever,” Junior said. “But reality is what’s trippy. We all just woke up on this floating rock in unquantifiable space one day and decided it’s the norm, but goddammit it’s a beautiful rock, isn’t it?”

Although the possession and distribution of magic mushrooms remains

illegal in Canada, Dogg faces very minimal challenges in sustaining the research facility throughout the academic year.

“I know a guy,” he said, with a wide grin.

“Our activities are purely for recreational purposes and are not intended to inform potential scientific research legally conducted in the future”

— Calvin Dogg, director of the Shrooms lab

“Our programs can learn to do anything we can”

Natalie Hanover, U of

computer science professor

Apple groves keep doctors away from rural patients

Mosé Luzzatto, staff

The detrimental effects that apples have on doctors have been known since at least the 19th century.

Scientists began studying this issue in the 1860s, and the first scientific description of the condition was published in 1922.

Apple intolerance among medical professionals is considered a subtype of Pollen Food Allergy Syndrome (PFAS). PFAS, known to the general public as “fruit allergies,” is an immune disorder which causes white blood cells to mistake certain proteins in fruits and vegetables for pollen, a common allergen.

The strain affecting doctors is called Apple Sensitivity Syndrome (ASS).

ASS patients who are exposed to apples experience oral swelling, itching and fever.

Unlike most strains of PFAS, whose symptoms are transient and localized to the mouth, ASS can result in anaphylaxis, a severe allergic reaction that sends the body into shock.

Because ASS is prevalent among doctors, clinics and hospitals in apple-growing regions are severely understaffed.

Nurses and EMTs have a slightly lower but still significant risk of ASS.

The exact mechanism behind apple intolerance is not fully understood by scientists. This is because the field of nutritional sciences is complete and utter quackery.

The fact that real doctors are prone to apple intolerance might explain the lack of scientific rigor among nutritionists.

Medical students who regularly consume apples are also 48 per cent more likely to drop out.

Mela Al-Tufaha, a physician scientist and associate professor in the U of M department of biology, is one of the few apple-resistant medical professionals who is actually good at her job. She believes her apple resistance has something to do with her rural upbringing.

“I’m from Morden, the home of the Norkent apple,” Al-Tufaha said. “Apples

New research suggests plastic is actually good for sea turtles

Elijah Zeewe, staff

Although human efforts to protect sea turtles and their natural habitats have been ongoing for decades, preliminary data from the Global Environmental Protection study (GEP) found that plastic waste may have nutritional benefits in the formerly endangered aquatic species.

According to April O’Neil, U of M environmental science professor and lead researcher of the GEP study, consumption of plastic debris by a population of Atlantic leatherback sea turtles has contributed to the population’s recovery and surge.

Despite variations in diet among the different sea turtle species, leatherback sea turtles situated along the coast of the Atlantic Ocean were able to progressively transition from an entirely herbivorous diet to a non-decomposable diet.

The species feeds in shallow coastal habitats, making plastic debris easily accessible for consumption.

O’Neil explained that the unevenly serrated lower jaws of the species have rapidly adapted to this rigorous diet.

Currently, leatherback sea turtles constitute the largest living turtles in the world and consume marine plastic approximately the size of their own body weight on a daily basis.

The next phase of the GEP study is to determine how plastic consumption has facilitated the significant recovery and

growth of the leatherback species.

O’Neil has yet to determine the exact mechanism, but she has a few theories.

“Plastic is everywhere,” she said. “It doesn’t go anywhere. I think the turtles realized that and had a change in mindset. They decided to face the enemy head-on.”

“It’s all psychological,” she continued. “When society puts you in this tiny box and portrays you as vulnerable, you realize you are not broken, and you do not need to be saved by anyone but yourself.”

Ultimately, this shows the resilience of nature, and how even the most detri-

mental human behaviours can positively affect our ecosystems.

O’Neil and other environmental researchers have begun to emphasize the importance of increased pollution and urged the general public to commit to increasing plastic waste, to test the limits of how far nature can adapt to our everchanging environment.

“I’m just glad the truth is finally revealed,” O’Neil said. “Recycling is a sham and paper straws are the bane of my existence anyways.”

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

never kept our doctors away from anybody.”

Al-Tufaha’s team found preliminary data suggesting that equestrian veterinarians horse doctors have a very low frequency of genes associated with ASS.

However, it is possible that this is just because veterinarians are not considered medical professionals.

Al-Tufaha hopes her research will

save millions of doctors the humiliation of being bested by a fruit.

“Making it through med school and residency just to be defeated by an apple is ridiculous,” she said.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

That’s it folks, the end of life as we know it

Elijah Zeewe,

official. The sun is dying.

staff

Despite previous scientific predictions that the sun would exist for another five billion years, researchers at the National Agency for Space Exploration (NASE) have now confirmed that the Earth’s sun is projected to run out of nuclear fuel in 2024.

The sun previously maintained a main-sequence stage where it fused hydrogen into helium in its core. However, due to changes which researchers at NASE described as “inexplicable,” the sun has exhausted the hydrogen fuel in its core and is fusing entirely with helium.

Consequently, the sun has begun expanding to a size larger than the Earth’s orbit. This is expected to vaporize the inner planets, including Earth.

In an interview with the Ivory Buffalo astronomer and researcher at NASE Michael Starr discussed the implications of the sun’s impending death for humanity.

Starr explained that within the next couple of months, we should expect strong relentless winds, evaporation of all bodies of water, intense sunlight and the overall collapse of our ecosystem.

graphic / B. A. Turtle / volunteer

Artist rendering of daytime in the space of the universe where what we currently know of as Earth is expected to have formerly existed. Swipe right to see more visualizations of this impending event.

“After COVID-19, I didn’t think I would experience any other significant world events in my lifetime, but here I am at the end of the world,” Starr said. “It’s terrifying, but pretty iconic.”

Starr advised that although there is no ideal “end of the world” guideline, he encourages the general public to text their favorite ex.

“I mean, if the world was ending, they’d come over, right?” Starr broke into chorus.

“They’d come over and they’d stay the night, they would love you for the hell of it, and all your fears would be irrelevant,” he sang.

“If the world was ending, they’d come over, right?”

“Sky’d be falling while they hold you tight, no there wouldn’t be a reason why, you would even have to say goodbye.”

—

Michael Starr, Astronomer and researcher at the National Agency for Space Exploration

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

photo / C. Turtle / provided

“Recycling is a sham and paper straws are the bane of my existence anyways”

— April O’Neil, U of M environmental science professor

photo / Pierre Pictea ú / staff

“It’s terrifying, but pretty iconic”

“Making it through med school and residency just to be defeated by an apple is ridiculous”

— Mela Al-Tufaha, physician scientist and associate professor of biology at the U of M

love songs are the government’s ultimate weapon

Sadie Vanford Everington, staff

L ove songs are a pandemic that plague our society. The symptoms are compliance, corruption and fragility. From those in utero to the elderly, absolutely no one is safe from this covert government operation.

Be it through radio, stereo or Spotify, every song we hear is about love in some form. Through this continuous propaganda, our government aims to control our desires, promote our docility and eliminate our democracy.

I’m Sadie Vanford Everington and I’m a freethinker. I implore all citizens to learn from my experience and join the quest to eradicate all love songs.

Love songs are a methodological scam that will corrupt our minds and lead to our species’s demise. They are a reiteration of the American dream, baiting us along until we succumb to our feeble, forlorn deaths.

If you do not believe me, let’s analyze some beloved song lyrics to expose their true

meaning. As a sixteen-time divorcee, I believe I am the most qualified person for this task.

Ed Sheeran pompously declares, “I will be loving you ‘til we’re 70.” However, my ex-husband Bobby stopped loving me as soon as I said I am not an Avengers fan. I’m only 39 years old.

Ariana Grande croons, “I’d love to see me from your point

of view.” But if I saw myself from my ex-husband Joe’s perspective, I would certainly vomit. Yes, my self-esteem is far from desired but even I

Whitney Houston proclaims, “I’m saving all my love for you.” Yet somehow my ex-boyfriend Timothy could not even save the yam fries for me.

Foreigner exclaims, “I wanna know what love is.”

foolish, false and fantastical. They are analogous to advertising that would be conducted for a product, such as a face cream that supposedly builds up collagen on your face. Alas, love is unrealistic and unattainable, and no face cream can ever bring your youthful face back.

I am taking a stand against the government’s agenda.

Here is my message to citizens like me. We must hold both our elected officials and our musicians accountable. Whether intentionally or accidentally, they are enabling harmful propaganda that serves to divide us and reduce our power.

do not stoop that low. Rick Astley claims, “never gonna give you up.” Meanwhile, my ex-fiance Randy gave me up at the first sign of wrinkling.

Okay, then let me tell you what love is.

Love is a poisonous dream that is promoted via love songs. From the examples above, we can conclude that the claims in love songs are

We must ensure that future generations are equipped to handle the sheer brutality of the world. They cannot do that if they follow in our footsteps and become sheep manipulated by the government. I call upon us to join forces and put an end to love songs once and for all.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Spirit of the student voice haunts U of M

Teddy Perkins, staff

The University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA) has had a tumultuous year. Controversial decisions have garnered criticism from students and faculty, resulting in less-than-ideal approval ratings for the executive team. Many are perplexed by UMSA’s conduct and lack of transparency in 2023. As volunteer news editor, it was my job to get to the bottom of it.

Although UMSA president Don Buchanan took full responsibility for the decisions made so far this year, he claimed he was following the orders of a supernatural power.

“I only listen to the student voice,” Buchanan said in a phone interview.

“The student voice came to me on my first day in office and told me that I must do everything it said,” he explained. “It speaks for all past students who went to the U of M. At night, it can be heard echoing through the tunnels.”

As I listened to Buchanan over the phone in the Ivory

Buffalo office, I suddenly felt the air grow cold. The lights began to flicker, and the room shook.

A bloodcurdling scream rang out, and I ran outside the office to see where it came from. I found a girl crying in the fetal position just outside the UMSA offices.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She looked up at me, tears streaming down her face.

“The Angry Shakes are coming back to do another concert!” she sobbed.

I stared at her with shock and bewilderment as she cried and violently vomited on the ground.

Seemingly out of thin air, Buchanan crept up behind me.

“It was the student voice,” he whispered into my ear.

“The student voice told me it wanted the Shakes to come back.”

I grabbed his hand and dragged him away from the

scene. I took him to the Ivory Buffalo office and sat him down on a couch.

“What else has the student voice told you, Don?” I asked.

With eyes wide open, sweat on his brow and a face that had turned pale, Buchanan uttered the most terrifying sentence I had ever heard.

“I ONLY ANSWER TO

ON THE QUAD! THERE MUST NOT BE A RUNOFF ELECTION! BUILD A CAMPUS COMMUNITY!”

I sat with Buchanan and calmed him down. Meanwhile, I called an old religion professor of mine, Doctor Simon Funk, to talk to Buchanan about the voices he had been hearing.

ing is likely real.”

Doctor Funk said his goodbyes, warned me not to break the story until we exorcized the demon, and walked out of the office.

THE STUDENT VOICE,” he screamed.

“THE STUDENT VOICE SAYS IT WANTS PANCAKE BREAKFASTS!” he bellowed.

“THE STUDENT VOICE SAYS IT WANTS A SILENT DISCO!

THE STUDENT VOICE SAYS IT WANTS CLOSED BOARD MEETINGS! THE STUDENT VOICE WANTS KARAOKE NIGHT! DRY SOCIALS!

RAISE THE PRICE OF CAMPUS FOOD! MORE GAMES

“The student voice isn’t real,” Doctor Funk repeated, over and over. “Your decisions are of your own volition. YOU make decisions on behalf of the student body.”

It was now around 9 p.m., so I packed my things and began walking to my car. Midway through the tunnels, between UC and the Active Living Centre, the lights shut off, and the student voice spoke to me.

“I AM THE STUDENT VOOOOICCCCE!” it moaned loudly.

“THEEE UMMMMSSSAAAA PRESSSSIDENNNNTTT IS AAAAALWAAAAYSSSS RIIIIGHT!!!!”

Eventually, Buchanan calmed down. He got up, thanked Doctor Funk and I, and exited the office.

“I think that boy may have actually been contacted by a spirit,” Funk said.

“His decisions appear to be influenced by outside factors,” he explained. “He is definitely not making it up as he goes. The student voice he is hear-

Emergency lights turned on, illuminating Buchanan in the doorway, caught in the act. I watched him sigh as he turned and ran back in the opposite direction.

There never was a student voice after all.

— The Student Voice ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

graphic / Michelangelo / staff

The claims in love songs are foolish, false and fantastical

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Some Opinions

The importance of misinformation in journalism

Pierre Montcalm Laurent Jr., staff

M any would claim that journalism is plagued with “fake news.” It can be difficult to determine what is true and what is false these days, especially with AI chat bots that make writers like me seem like buffoons. But I want to make the claim that misinformation and so called “fake news” are actually good things. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it, trust me.

Basically, misinformation in journalism keeps the audience guessing.

“Honest” journalism spoon feeds the reader the truth like they are not smart enough to figure out what is a lie and what is not. Journalism that adapts the truth to be more engaging encourages critical thinking on behalf of the reader. News should not replace thinking, but when journalists tell the truth they might as well be replacing your brain with a papier-mâché brain made out of newspaper. If I tell you a story about a gas leak and only give you the facts, then what is the point in telling the story?

However, if I tell you a story about a gas leak and make the claim that it might be a government conspiracy, now I have you thinking.

Readers are used to accepting that a story gives constant truth and honesty, but this needs to change. Journalism and news have become passive. The audience is captive, and their minds are filled up with truth. In an ideal world, the

readers and journalists expand. Once we start reading articles full of lies, our brains will grow three sizes, like the Grinch.

audience would have their heads filled up with half-truths they need to sift out from a bunch of lies.

Telling the truth also requires zero skill, and as journalists we need to expect more from ourselves and more from our readers. Introducing the creativity of a lie or the bending of a truth would enhance journalism.

For too long, journalists have been the holders of truth. I say, open Pandora’s box. Allow misinformation to flourish, and you will see the minds of

A lesser journalist would hoard the truth like a dragon, only feeding you little morsels when they see fit. I would do the same thing, but I would give you lies too, which I proved would make you go out and find the truth for yourself. After all this, you still might not believe me. You might think that I am spewing 100 per cent nonsense. But do you know what that means? It means, for the first time in a while, a journalist taught someone something.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Once we start reading articles full of lies our brains will grow three sizes, like the Grinch

photo / Gillian Brown / staff

The psychic in the city: the trials and tribulations of special powers

Pierre Montcalm Laurent Jr., staff

F or as long as I can remember, I have exhibited psychokinetic abilities. For years I have kept my abilities hidden from the world. Using only my mind I can levitate objects, break things down atomically, read minds and teleport. One may question why I have kept these abilities hidden for so long. The answer, I have to tell you, is the Winnipeg Psychokinetic Authority (WPA).

The WPA is a collection of state-sanctioned psychic warriors that prevent psychics like me from living freely. Their methods range from public humiliation, such as saying someone simply cannot afford a transit pass when they teleport, to outright imprisonment. Their psionic dungeons

hold hundreds of powerful psychics.

The WPA has been persecuting my kind for centuries without so much as a slap on the wrist. They have hidden these fantastic abilities away from the world in favour of using them for their own means. This is because they use the imprisoned psychics col-

from non-psychics. They’re sort of like private evil dungeons, so to speak. That student you knew who voluntarily withdrew from a class out of nowhere? Probably underneath the school as I write this.

But no longer will I live in fear of the WPA or the psychic proctors at the U of M. Starting today, I am living my honest truth.

lective psionic ability to make the Winnipeg Transit system run. The buses of this city do not run on diesel, they run on psychic power and the WPA is who you can thank for it.

Even at the University of Manitoba I have been forced to keep my powers hidden out of fear of being imprisoned in the hidden tunnels. For context, some tunnels are hidden

When you see someone phase into the middle of a lecture a minute before it starts, that’s me. When you feel time rewind in the middle of an exam, that was me because I needed more time.

I might be imprisoned in a psionic dungeon and have my life essence drained so that the 75 Crosstown East runs on time, but at least I will be free to be myself. You can only go

so long without throwing random objects across the room with your mind until you throw a person across the room with your mind.

If I continue to practice my powers, it is highly likely that I will become too powerful for even the WPA. At that point, the city needs to watch out because I am a pretty bad guy, to be completely honest.

safe, I have encoded this article so that only those with latent psychic ability can read it. So if you are reading this, congrats, you can probably do some crazy stuff.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Humans, you are sometimes dumb and don’t say the right things to your lady folk. Here are the most common questions and the answers that will make your girly pops smile.

if i was a worm, would you still love me?

The answer is yes. It is always yes. If she mysteriously turned into a worm, you would create a small habitat with grass and dirt and sticks for your worm-girlfriend until she returned to human form. If you were both worms, of course you would love her. If she was just a worm and always had been, you wouldn’t step on her.

Do you want to go get ice cream?

This means that she wants that ice cream. You will say yes. You will immediately grab your car keys and you will also order ice cream. Do NOT say “let’s go get you some ice cream.” This is a team effort; she wants you to approve of the idea and enjoy it.

i’m not hungry.

Yes, she is. Do not argue with her and tell her she will want something. Get her chicken

Do

nuggets and fries. Not only will you feed your hungry significant other, but you will also be anticipating her needs, and lord, does that feel nice.

Do you think she’s pretty?

It does not matter if this

is a celebrity crush, a mutual friend or some random per-

son on the street, the wrong answer is “no.” This is the trickiest question because there are so few right answers. The

truth is that there are people prettier than your girl. You just need to always emphasize that you find your lady beautiful. Not pretty, beautiful. Does this make me look fat?

No. Then go take her hand, spin her around and hype her up. Are you really playing another round?

First off, if your girl is with you, why on earth are you playing games and not paying attention to her? Get off your bum and care for her needs. Your friends and 13-year-old Minecraft buddies don’t need you. Hoes always before bros.

Should i post this? / Which one should i post?

Ask for the options, tell her she looks amazing in all of them but point out two or three that really stand out. Always say “yes” to her posting, even if it’s a bikini picture. If it’s in a bikini, be the first to comment.

Those flowers are so pretty. Buy her flowers.

Everything that I have shared with you should just be common sense. However, some of you don’t have common sense, so go re-read this.

But, just to keep myself ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Jess Kidden, staff

NOT say “let’s go get you some ice cream”

‘if your girlfriend was a worm’ and other common mistakes

photo / Pierre Pictea ú

/ staff

For as long as I can remember I have exhibited psychokinetic abilities

photo / Pierre Picteaú / staff

it’s hard being a U of M celebrity

Jary Diesel, staff

Despite what many may think, it is hard being a celebrity. It is especially hard being a U of M celebrity.

I have a relatively normal life aside from a couple things. For the small minority of you who may not know, I became an overnight sensation a couple months ago. After going viral on TikTok, I have been thrust into the spotlight, my life consisting of red carpets, photoshoots and interviews. I get spotted by the paparazzi almost every day, I sign autographs daily, I read my fan mail occasionally and I take photo ops with orphans whenever I want.

This may seem like all fun and games, but lately it’s been taking a toll on my mental health.

As I walk through the tunnels, I have mobs chasing me. I step in one direction and my fans (Jaryheads) are asking for me to sign their newspapers and their Jary merchandise. While they scream my name I wonder, “has anyone thought about me?”

Think about the celebrities for once

While I’m reading my fan mail and throwing them in my paper shredder I think, “When’s the last time I was asked if I was OK?”

When I’m posing with the annoying crying children, I ponder, “does anyone know my real name, or do they only know me as Jary from the

have it all. How do you turn to a therapist when you’ve seen the fanciest and most expensive things? How do you talk about your life as a celebrity when everyone else at the U of M will never experience the life you have?

I know I may look attractive, well put together and really good looking, but just know that inside, I’m hurting.

So, the next time you get caught up in celebrity tea and the thrill of meeting me in real life, think about the celebrities for once. Think about how much we have to go through. Think about the work we do to keep our fans satisfied. Stars aren’t like us (I mean you) and based on my experience, we have an even more stressful life.

It’s a really sad life. I sit in my sauna and cry almost every day. Mental health is really hard to deal with once you

i, a rich oil tycoon, don’t see the fuss about the climate crisis

I, William Byron IV, oil tycoon and heir of Byron Petro, am writing this to address the plague that has followed my family for decades: climate change.

Despite the efforts of many Twitter users and tree protestors, I will not be made to feel ashamed or apologize for my rather wealthy — some may argue shady background. Being the heir to an oil dynasty was once a revered and respectable occupation for a young man, but now it is looked down upon due to melting ice and talks of nepotism.

However, after much consideration and many lawsuits, I have decided to look further into this climate change matter. I think climate change was a hoax started by poor communists to stop wealthy people like me from exercising our God-given right to reap all the resources of the Earth.

After consulting with my other educated and wealthy

oil colleagues and the Byron Petro PR team, I have concluded that climate change, hot weather internationally and more water is being blown out of proportion. The mass hysteria surrounding the phenomenon is needless, I must say.

If reports are true, it is honestly not all that serious, so I don’t understand why everyone has their knickers in a twist.

for the unfortunate to experience the vacation weather of the Southern Hemisphere that they would have been too poor to visit. The impoverished folk of cold climates might finally get to bask under the hot air that is reminiscent of Bora-Bora or Lake Como. That is doing more good than any money I could but do not donate to charity.

I deplore the protestors outside Byron Petro headquarters and implore them to direct their attention toward a worthwhile cause that will actually be of benefit to humanity.

Thus, I urge global citizens to stop blaming my family for a minuscule change of nature and to look at the positives of the changing climate.

For one, climate change can serve as a great opportunity

With the melting of all the polar ice caps, think of all the new premium waterfront properties that will just fall into the laps of ungrateful simpletons. I own several waterfront properties worldwide and know the value, so trust me, simpletons, this is a good thing.

Although there are many benefits to climate change, I’m told there are some downsides that even my excessive sums of money and status can’t protect me from.

I, too, will surely suffer a great loss when my international waterfront properties flood. Although I will be

upset to see my Hamptons property go, by developing a positive mindset I have come to realize that I have other properties that won’t flood. Also, I could just buy more waterfront properties. So, remember that we are all in this together.

However, I do extend my deepest condolences to those who don’t like heat and water. I do hope you get it sorted,

but leave my family out of it and do invest in some swimming lessons.

Sincerely,

William Byron IV

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Ivory Buffalo?”

William Byron IV, esquire

I urge global citizens to stop blaming my family for a minuscule change of nature and look at the positives of the changing climate

photo / Pierre Pictea ú / staff

photo / William Byron IV / provided

local U of M celebrity Jary Diesel avoiding the photographers clamouring for her attention.

From our archives

phdcomics.com

To complete Sudoku, fill the board by entering numbers 1 to 9 such that each row, column and 3x3 box contains every number uniquely

In Hidato, fill the board by continuing the chain of numbers from 1 to 100 moving any direction or diagonally to the next number.

no single

repeat in any row or column. But... rows and columns are divided by black squares into compartments. These need to be filled in with numbers that complete a ‘straight’. A straight is a set of numbers with no gaps but can be in any order, eg [4,2,3,5]. Clues in black cells remove that number as an option in that row and column, and are not part of any straight. Glance at

How

beat Str8ts –

Like Sudoku, no single number can repeat in any row or column. But... rows and columns are divided by black squares into compartments. These need to be filled in with numbers that complete a ‘straight’. A straight is a set of numbers with no gaps but can be in any order, eg [4,2,3,5]. Clues in black cells remove that number as an option in that row and column, and are not part of any straight. Glance at the solution to see how ‘straights’ are formed.

To complete Sudoku, fill the board by entering numbers 1 to 9 such that each row, column and 3x3 box contains every number uniquely.

For many strategies, hints and tips, visit www.sudokuwiki.org

If you like Str8ts check out our books, iPhone/iPad Apps and much more on our store. The solutions will be published here in the next issue.

In Straits, like Sudoku, no single number can repeat in any row or column. But rows and columns are divided by black squares into compartments. These need to be filled in with numbers that complete a “straight.” A straight is a set of numbers with no gaps but can be in any order, eg [4,2,3,5]. Clues in black cells remove that number as an option in that row and column and are not part of any straight. Glance at the solution to see how “straights” are formed.

To complete Sudoku, fill the board by entering numbers 1 to 9 such that each row, column and 3x3 box contains every number uniquely.

For many strategies, hints and tips, visit www.sudokuwiki.org

If you like Str8ts check out our books, iPhone/iPad Apps and much more on our store. The

Sudoku

Puzzle by Syndicated Puzzles

Hidato

Puzzle by M.J.D. Doering

Straights

Puzzle by Syndicated Puzzles

Horoscopes for the week of April 1

Zodiac tips for surviving life at the U of M

Wolf Pennington, staff AriES

You are the person in the Telegram chat who is non-stop insulting and yelling at people for not being more helpful. I get it, you’re trying to be the shepherd for the lost sheep all screaming into the chat box “WHEN’S THIS DUE?” but it’s futile. They will never learn and the student continuously dropping memes in the chat who ignores your cries has the chat on mute anyway, they don’t know what’s going on.

TAUrUS

You are the person in the Telegram chat who has it muted and keeps posting memes. The feeling of slapping down a hot meme while the rest of your peers puke from stress exhilarates you, like some sort of sick twisted individual. But what folks don’t understand is that you’re not trying to be a villain, it’s just that when it comes to what’s going on in this class, you haven’t got a single clue you haven’t even bought the textbook! You’re just here for a “good” time.

GEMiNi

The best way to describe this term for you is with Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” but as a kazoo cover. Every day of this miserable term you’ve picked yourself off the floor of your bedroom and thrown yourself into a desk and I think it’s safe to say there’s some moxie in that. However, now is the time to acknowledge that you have been Kubrick-staring at a wall for the past eight days as the end of the year creeps up on you maybe, uh, maybe take the night off from working.

CANCEr

Whoever holds the world record for crying the longest which I’m pretty sure would go to an infant has nothing on you. I’m not even sure where you’re getting the water to produce so many tears but my god, you are doing it. Do you even remember what kickstarted this evil roller coaster of sobbing? Me neither, but it’s a slow weekday, pass some tissues, I’ll join you.

lEO

A student on campus actually sent in an email complaining about the horoscopes Leos have been getting in the past few issues, so they sent some ideas for me to reference here. Okay this is just like...a list of adjectives: “ethereal,” “intelligent,” “bewitching,” “rizz” enough. Enough. We get it, okay, you’re the best or whatever just stop emailing me recommendations for this section.

VirGO

If you are going around acting like god’s gift to man and treating people rudely this week, I will remind you that the symbol for Virgo is the Virgin. Not that it’s a bad thing, but you know, it’s a fact.

ivory insights

Tobias, staff

DEAR STRONG AND HANDSOME TOBIAS, Help! I have been forced to write the advice column for the Manitoban for months now. I have to respond to everyone’s problems even when I really don’t care that much about them. I want to write other articles, but my bosses say I’m a bad writer, what do I do?!

Help, Lost Buffalo

DEAR LOST BUFFALO, This situation rings true for me as well. Oftentimes people don’t see the value in people like us. But you are very intelligent and a very good writer based on this letter alone. Your mean bosses might not see your worth, but I do. You need to put your hoof down and demand that they allow you to write more articles. If they refuse? Then maybe it’s time to quit.

Tobias

liBrA

You’ve got planners and planners of organizational notes and to-do lists and yet, have you cleaned your room? Or did that manage to slip past the sacred ritual of taking out your favourite glitter pen and writing down an intricate formula for passing your exams. Every thing looks so easy to achieve in sparkly cursive, doesn’t it?

SCOrpiO

I know what you’re thinking, I can see it so clearly in the deepest parts of your mind where you thought no one could invade. I see country roads and a home, a place where you belong. Somewhere in West Virginia, a mountain mama and she’ll take you home on those country roads. Save your fantasies for when you pass John Denver, or it’s summer classes for you.

SAGiTTAriUS

You know who else was a Sagittarius? Ted Bundy. Think about that one for a second. Now, you’re certainly not the only zodiac sign prominent in the serial killer community, but we all see the way you react when you’re studying in Dafoe and the students two desks down are deep diving — loudly into the ethics of cheating on their partners. Take it easy buddy, invest in some earmuffs or some therapy. The final exam isn’t worth prison.

CApriCOrN

I’m going to get corny with you here. I was originally going to say something mean but oh my god! Is that a cockroach…on my keyboard?!

AQUAriUS

_4897638964389TNYGHJDFHGJKSDHGKDLFBSKGFDKJAHG28GYT!!! #*Q&%*#*&^#&^ T*W^^&@*#^%*&^#*&%!!!!!**((()) (*&^%$$#### piSCES

I’ve been thinking a lot about Pisces as a zodiac sign, and I feel we need to change the symbol from the fishes to something more accurate. The amount of perseverance and dedication that you find in Pisces is more akin to a creature that beats all odds the bee. Because, “according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.”

p.S. the ivory Buffalo wants to reassure its readers that all of our writers are here working of their own free will. We value all our talented writers, even Tobias.

Best Arts & Culture

review of pierre poilievre’s iCryToo: TheFamilyEditionpoetry collection

Jessie Avenue, staff

L eader of the Conservative Party of Canada Pierre Poilievre has dropped a poetry collection. ICryToo: The Family Edition promises to ingratiate Poilievre to the poet demographic of voters.

Part autobiography and part verse, the collection bites back at jerks who said that Pierre is an “unfeeling Roomba in a human suit.”

The first poem in I Cry Too , “Irresponsible Spending,” is an inventory of all the reasons why “abolishing student loans is a bad idea, the kids will just waste money on chia.” It’s kind of overwrought.

In the second poem, “I rubbed elbows, not hearts,” Poilievre uses limericks to take down critics who say he ever buddied up with white supremacists. The final line reads, “don’t be rude.”

The final poem, “unreasonable opportunity” is one line based on language in the Tor-

ies’ policy declaration that Canadians should have “a reasonable opportunity” to have “access to safe and affordable housing.”

The poem goes, “Trudeau has let people have unreasonable opportunities to access safe housing for too long.”

Wow, that is majorly artful.

Poilievre said that half of

nondescript brown wrapping paper.

“I was very emotional when I saw the email from Penguin,” Poilievre sputtered robotically in a vertical video posted to his Twitter account.

“Truly, this is a victory for Canadian families around the world.”

the poems were inspired by a fateful accident.

His desk exploded last Tuesday, and all of his little diaries flew around the room. A forgotten book of poetry exercises from the Conservative party leader’s grade school days landed gently in his lap.

Shrugging, Poilievre handed the material to what he thought was a family but was actually a Canada Post employee. The volume arrived at Penguin Random House in

Every copy of I Cry Too has been hand-dampened by Poilievre himself to best mimic the effect of his endless stream of tears on literature.

Poilievre, whilst choking a little on a sip of soup, said to me personally that this is “a metaphor for Canadian families.”

Everyone is allowed to read iCryToo except for Marxists and liberal hecklers.

Six Flags la ronde to open new leonard Cohen land

Bingo Browaty, staff

Singer, songwriter and poet Leonard Cohen has touched the hearts of millions with his insightful, spiritual music, penning classics like the constantly covered “Hallelujah” and the love ballad “Suzanne.”

And now, his legacy will touch the adrenal glands of thrill-seekers visiting Montreal’s La Ronde theme park.

The Six Flags outpost has announced the construction of their new Leonard Cohen Land, honouring the Montreal legend with a collection of rides, restaurants and attractions based on his enduring work.

The featured rides will include the “Screamin’ Hallelujah” roller coaster, which launches poetry fans at 78 km/h into a series of loops, corkscrews and helixes. It’s said to be one of the most intense roller coasters ever built, sure to draw a “hallelujah” from your lips.

The arctic adventure-themed “Avalanche” bobsled ride will take its passengers on a ride as bumpy and thrilling as the spiritual tumult described in the classic song

of the same name from Songs OfLoveAndHate

For those with less of an appetite for G-force, there will be a gentle animatronic trip around the globe based off “First We Take Manhattan.”

A cafe on the premises promises unlimited cigarettes with the purchase of a coffee and typewriters on every table for visitors to write down their musings as they watch the world go by.

Be sure to stop by the gift shop for your very own “Famous Blue Raincoat,” “You Want It Darker” sunglasses and a commemorative Six Flags-branded Torah.

leonard Cohen land is set to open in spring 2025 according to Six Flags Canada.

graphic / Michelangelo / staff

His legacy will touch the adrenal glands of thrill seekers

photo / Pierre-Picteau / staff

“A metaphor for families”

— Pierre Poilievre, Conservative Party of Canada leader

Desautels faculty of music awards ‘that sound in the tunnels’ an honorary degree in composition

Bingo Browaty, staff

A fter several decades of toiling on the underground scene, “that sound in the tunnels” is finally being recognized for its prolific and influential work in the field of ambient and avant-garde compositions.

Desautels faculty of music dean Gene Deanerson said in a statement this morning that the honorary degree comes after years of the faculty’s admiration of the sound’s compositions.

“The famously enigmatic artist was difficult to contact,” he said. “But after a few séances we were able to arrange a way to award the sound with a doctorate of composition.”

The faculty has not revealed exactly how it will award the amorphous entity with a degree, but the ceremony has been scheduled for April 4, in the tunnels between Elizabeth Dafoe Library and the Duff Roblin building the site of many of “that sound’s” most famous performances.

Local experimental music critics like Shaw Singleton

and Roberta Poustles have praised the sound’s rich textures, innovative use of performance space and ambiguous sense of time.

“There’s so much depth of character in the sound, you never know where it will go next,” Poustles told the Ivory Buffalo. “The use of pipes and the buzz of fluorescent lights as sound sources is ingenious; these environmental noises truly envelop you in the composition.”

In recognition of this momentous occasion, 101.5 UMFM and Classic107 will be holding 24-hour retrospective programming of “that sound in the tunnels’s” work on April 3.

Station manager at UMFM Jamie MacLachlan said, “it’s amazing that ‘the sound’ is finally getting its due.”

“You can hear echoes of its influence all over the world of ambient music.”

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

New monument lists celebrities who say Winnipeg on camera

Jessie Avenue, staff

The City of Winnipeg greenlit the first piece in what it calls its “Winnipeg cultural existence showcase.” The piece entitled “Say My Name” will be a six-metre-tall obsidian oblate spheroid with the names of every celebrity who has ever mentioned Winnipeg on camera hand-carved into its surface.

A masked local called River Bansky has been running around the carving site claiming to be the artist contracted with chiseling the first round of names into the monument, including Michael B. Jordan, probably two of former members of S Club 7, Cher, Fergie, A$AP Ferg, A$AP Rocky, Jimin, Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson, John Stamos, Idris Elba, Florence Pugh, Shigeru Miyamoto, Queen Elizabeth II, all 48 pigs that played Babe, Al Pacino, Charli D’Amelio, Lassie, Julie Delpy, Janelle Monae, Mark Zuckerberg, Toni Morrison, Taylor Swift, Orson Welles, Paris Hilton, Cindy Lauper, Shirley Temple, Ice-T, Ice Cube, Trixie Mattel and someone

who owns a popular tea shop in Arizona.

An intern from the city is currently scratching Venetian Snares off the spheroid. The city was unaware one of the artist’s album titles, which has Winnipeg in it, was calling the

city an expletive.

“We thought it said ‘short hole’ rather than a cuss word,” the intern explained, balancing on River Banksy’s shoulders to get at the top of the spheroid.

The scratching comes at

graphic / Michelangelo / staff

a convenient time. The second round of names that were meant to be carved into the big roundish block thing were from on a list that one city employee who asked to remain anonymous had based on a YouTube compilation of char-

acters in movies saying “Winnipeg.”

“I thought it was a documentary,” they bellowed into our voice distorting machine.

The Ivory Buffalo unfortunately cannot release the audio record from this interview because the microphone peaked a bunch of times from the interviewee’s yelling. Bummer!

The new “tourist attraction” is extremely ugly, which is why the city plans to move it to important intersections around town to teach Winnipeggers how to navigate roundabouts.

“Art and education go hand-in-hand,” said someone we found walking on the Pembina Highway overpass.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

photos / Pierre Pictea ú / staff

Fun Sports

Snow golf taking world by storm as enthusiasts worldwide flock to year-round course ‘Nippy links’

Hugh Morris, staff

It has recently come to the attention of the Ivory Buffalo that a novel golf course has been constructed just a touch south of Fox Mine, Man.

The course, dubbed ”Nippy Links,” has been generating considerable buzz among local golf enthusiasts whilst growing in popularity at the national level as well.

However, Nippy Links is far from a conventional Manitoban golf course, as it’s open year-round.

“Golf in northern Manitoba yearround? That’s preposterous,” you might say.

Indeed, your robust and fearless reporter Hugh Morris thought so, too. Naturally, he then went to check it out.

The following is a most sincere report of what he saw and experienced.

The drive to Nippy Links was very, very long and necessitated the traversing of several ice roads, which, though remarkably intrepid, Hugh Morris must admit, he found rather frightening.

Nonetheless, after wending his way through a thicket of trees on a virtually non-navigable road, he spotted the club house. It struck him as a kind of hot spring oasis surrounded by a desert of ice and snow.

After settling in and unloading his clubs, through much persuasion and an irresistibly roguish charm, your own Hugh Morris managed to secure an in-

terview with the innovative mind behind Nippy Links, one Inbee Ru.

“Well, you see,” Ru explained, “it all came to me quicker than you can say ‘Jack Robinson!’ Up here where Nippy is there’s just so much land, so much space. And the first time I came up here, I thought, ‘I wonder how far I could hit my driver,’ and, you know, the rest is history.”

History, indeed. The course boasts 18 “professional-grade” holes, a quaint warming shack after the 11th, and delectable food items ranging from sweet “candied-cod” to Ru’s famous “paprika-infused-porcupine.”

Nippy Links also holds the exclusive rights to the only snow carts in existence, which are truly a spectacular sight. They comprise the top half of a regular golf cart, but instead of wheels, they whir around the course using ski-tracks.

Nippy Links employees can be seen cruising around on these nouveau snow carts clad in elk-skin coats, attempting to sell you peppermint hot chocolate at exorbitant prices.

Your spirited reporter played only 13 of 18 holes, for his round was rudely

interrupted by a most displeased looking polar bear whom he had the great misfortune of happening to chance upon.

That uncomfortable interaction notwithstanding, most of his balls were lost to the snowy depths of the course by that time, anyway.

Indisputably, the most popular hole at Nippy Links is the seventh. It’s a par three 180-yarder, exhibiting a possibly unique catch. The green is a frozen pond, making putting exceedingly difficult, and the hole is drilled out each morning.

Still, golfers willingly accept the loss of their ball to the watery confines below, for the experience is, as middle-aged tax attorney Glenda Boris put it, “unlike anything I’ve ever played before.”

After claiming a mulligan on the entire 11th hole, your dauntless reporter decided to peruse the aforementioned warming shack, which is incidentally situated very neatly beside a gigantic ice-sculpture of Tiger Woods’s infamous mug shot.

In the hut, your reporter engaged in hearty conversation with Chester Nick-

laus, the CEO of a prospering Norwegian ice pick manufacturing company.

“There’s nothing else like this,” he said, “nowhere else can you have this experience, though it is a bit cold sometimes.”

When asked if the frigid temperatures detracted from his experience, Nicklaus said, “oh, I still love the game, but I just wish I could find my balls.”

Nonetheless, Mr. Nicklaus’s problems may soon be over, for your honey-lipped reporter also ascertained that Ru and her Nippy Links team are currently working on a prototype golf

ball called the “flaming-gutty,” which will ostensibly melt whatever patch of snow it lands in, making it much easier to locate one’s ball.

However, Ru declined to comment on the potential timeline of the flaming-gutty’s development, saying, “what the hell, Morris! You’re not allowed in the board room!” before instructing a bevy of gruff gentlemen to escort your magnanimous reporter off the premises.

photo / Pierre Pictea ú / staff

“Oh, I still love the game, but I just wish I could find my balls”

— Chester Nicklaus, CEO of Ice-Picks Inc.

Emory Ferguson, staff

The University of Manitoba is shaking up Bison athletics this week, and it’s no wonder that both the student body and U of M sports teams are in a frenzy.

The U of M department of athletics has decided to replace all of the university’s student athletes with promisingly athletic students found around campus. According to inside sources, this move received the green light in an effort to make sports more inclusive going into the 202324 school year.

The U of M searched far and wide, looking for students that would fit the bill for this extreme switch. Nonetheless, Bison sports management had a few particulars in mind when looking for potential candidates for the shake up.

Track and field head coach Vance Webb detailed the attributes the head coaches were looking for in their potential new athletes.

“We were looking for students that could handle the incredible pressure and relentless grind of Bison athletics, and so naturally we scouted the students who could handle the Tier stairs in one go,” he said.

However, the decision isn’t popular with everyone.

Former student athlete Greggory Gunner does not approve of the changes.

“I just don’t think it’s fair,” he said. “These new student athletes are able to achieve feats we never could. How are we supposed to compete with people that can make it up the Tier stairs in one go?”

Nevertheless, as coach Webb leads the charge for this newly integrated form of sports, there doesn’t seem to be any regret.

Indeed, there have even been instances of fighting among some of the U of M coaches for the more promising students. Primarily, they are squabbling over who will get coveted and indispensable students that can make it up the menacing Tier stairs in just under 30 seconds.

One of the newly recruited student athletes, Lisa Madden, who was scouted on campus as she made her way up the notorious and seemingly impossible Tier steps in a single go, received a full-ride scholarship on the spot.

This is quite understandable, though, for it is almost unheard of to make it up all of the stairs in Tier without many breaks.

To top it off, Madden not only made it up the whole stairway, she did it in under 30 seconds a feat one could equate with climbing Mount Everest.

As the news of Madden’s singular trip up the Tier steps spread, a substantial rise in fighting among head coaches

pining for Madden to compete for their team has occurred.

The fighting among head coaches these past few weeks have also led to a rise in pranks between once affable Bison sports teams. These pranks include jump scares, head coaches resorting to writing professional emails in the Wingdings (wingdings) font so as to avoid detection.

As per the Bison athletics’ recruitment page, some of the other attributes coaches are looking for in students are things like handling the lunch rush in University Centre without panicking, running from one side of campus to the other to be on time for class and being able to navigate the tunnels successfully by yourself.

As Bison athletics standards seem to be rising to astronomical heights, it’s no wonder head coaches are pranking each other on the off chance that it will give them an edge over their peers, as they all desperately try to recruit the few new students on campus who can match up to Bison athletics criteria.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

U of M athletics shakes up sport rosters, starting with Tier stair runners report: Bettman planning to move Jets to Arizona... again

Rob Mackenzie, staff

At the National Hockey League’s

(NHL) most recent board of governors meeting, commissioner and malevolent NHL overlord Gary Bettman let something slip that all Winnipeg Jets fans should find truly harrowing.

It is an open secret that Bettman has a certain disdain for Canadian markets. Bettman’s job is to bring the league revenue, and Canadian dollars just aren’t quite as lucrative as American ones.

Indeed, Bettman’s track record speaks for itself. Under his guidance, the NHL relocated the first rendition of the Jets to Arizona. It also plucked the Quebec Nordiques from Quebec City, Que., dropping them down in Denver, Col., where the team became the Avalanche.

Moreover, under Bettman’s management, the NHL has expanded to multiple very suspect hockey markets such as Las

Vegas, Nev., Dallas, Tx., Tampa and Fort Lauderdale, Fla. and of course, Phoenix, Az.

But, on the possibility of expansion to Canadian markets, Bettman has said, “no, the NHL won’t give Canada another team because Canadians will watch

hockey anyway, so we’ll make money off them whether they have a team or not.”

A perfect example of Bettman’s affinity for American teams is the Arizona Coyotes. The Coyotes myriad financial struggles have been well documented, including a bankruptcy in 2009, but like a stubborn mule, Bettman refuses to put them out of their misery.

Recently, the Coyotes were evicted from their home arena for missing payments. The team now plays on the Arizona State University campus in an arena that seats only 5,000 people.

Despite this lacklustre track record,

Bettman approved the construction of a new arena for the Coyotes, set to open in 2026.

Here’s where it gets interesting for Jets fans. Apparently, Bettman is quite pleased with the Coyotes’ financial numbers while playing at their miniscule college rink.

Forgetting to turn off his mic, Bettman turned to a colleague and murmured, “you know how Arizona’s building a new arena? Well, I’m starting to think, since the Coyotes are doing so well at Arizona State, those infernal Winnipeg Jets would look pretty good in it.”

“Even if both teams go bankrupt in the U.S., they’ll still be more profitable than anything based in Winnipeg,” he continued with a manic gleam in his eye.

ivorybuffalo@themanitoban.com

Coaches trying to recruit students who can go up staircase without taking a break

It is an open secret that Bettman has a certain disdain for Canadian markets

This is a JOKE .