June, 2013
T H E P O W E R O F A FAT H E R ' S W O R D S
often say when he greeted someone. That was practically his trademark. I’ll never forget the way he looked down at my son and how my son looked right back up at him. That would be the first and last time my son ever saw his grandpa because a couple of weeks later my dad died in a terrible car accident. Now, I'm a pretty jaded jerk sometimes who finds it hard to cry for a lot of things, but when I got news of his death, I cried like I was four years old again. When the heart and mind take a debilitating jolt like that and you are thinking only of the massive loss, it is possible to forget where you are or what you were doing right before. It’s almost like a vinyl record skipping during the play of a song, the heart missing a beat, or like watching a poorly-edited film where very crucial parts were cut out. In that instant of sadness and pain I didn’t even realize that I be able to breathe. Rooms would shrink and
During one of our face-to-face conversations I
walls would start closing in as if to crush me.
finally brought up that day I visited him in prison
Once, while taking a shower, I suddenly felt
and told him about how it really hurt me for a
as if I was drowning and I had to quickly turn
long time that he was out of the picture. I told
the water off.
him that I had lost him once as a kid and I never wanted to lose him again. His eyes became
A once brave man, I had now become a little
teary and he apologized for putting my sister,
scared child. I couldn’t stop asking myself, “Will
my mom and I through that. Then he said he
I be a good father? What if I can’t do this? What
thought about us every day he was locked up.
if I let them down?”
It felt good to get all of that off my chest and I'm sure it did the same for him. It was like a
For my sanity, I made desperate phone calls
huge boulder that I was pinned under for so
to those closest to me, asking for help when I
long was finally lifted off of me.
felt an anxiety attack coming on. I was embarrassed to admit I was feeling weakness and
About four months after that conversation,
needed help, but it was necessary. I would call
my son was born. Having my girlfriend and
my girlfriend, or my mother but I found myself
newborn son both at home with me was the
also calling my father a lot for advice. I would
happiest time in my life. It was an exciting time
ask him if he ever felt the same way when
because we were starting a new chapter in our
he first got news my mother was pregnant
lives. Those terrible anxiety attacks took a train
with me (I was the first born and my parents
out of town and never came back.
were both 19 years old
at the time).
He always gave me a
positive per-
My father came over to visit a couple of days
spective and assured
me that
later with a thousand smiles and so excited
everything would
work out
to see his baby grandson. That night, my dad
fine. Somehow
hearing
spent some time carrying my son and playing
that from him
really
with him at our house. I remember him saying
seemed to help
calm me.
to my son, “Welcome to El Paso!” as he would
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had fallen to the ground and had to be helped back up to my feet again.
"Will I be a good father? What if I can’t do this? What if I let them down?" I often think of that conversation we had a few months earlier, all the good advice he had given me and the closure we had both received to a painful memory. It’s almost like we were getting things off our chests that we held in all those years because his time here on Earth was coming to an end. I needed to have that conversation. He also needed to have that conversation. I loved my father dearly and I know I will never forget him. This Father’s Day, maybe it is time for you and your father to talk about and release past hurts or laugh and smile over great memories you have shared. Either way, cherish your dad this Father’s Day because life is too unpredictable not to. www.thecitymagazineelp.com