According to trail sources, Hutchins was previously one of the most zealous pioneers in the wagon, but lost all enthu siasm for the trip when a fellow pioneer reminded him they’ll have to start saving water for when they cross stretches of desert.“Be honest with me, everyone. Do you really want to keep eating beef jerky, plain flour, and shit-filled water while we walk
Provost Locke’s New Apple Job Giving Brown Students Hope They Too Can Sell Out One Day
VOLUME XVII, ISSUE 1 GOD BLESS THE NEWS | THENOSER.COM SEPTEMBER 2022 IN THIS ISSUE
Abraham Hutchins, a mid-1800s pio neer en route from Boston to California is just going to give up in Iowa.
CAMPUS LIFE P20 Classy Frat Breaking Out Croquet For Don’tDarty call me son. OPINION B17 Bagel Gourmet to Open Third Location on Top of First Location 19th-Century Pioneer Just Gonna Give Up In Iowa SEE IOWA PAGE A2 CAMPUS LIFE B18
I think I saw him at the Genius Bar the other day!
“Its mouthfeel is bracing, yet sweet,” Greenwald noted, deeply inhaling the scent of rubbing alcohol and artificial flavors. “I wonder which local artist was commissioned for this elegant bottle?” she added, examining the concerningly large plastic bottle emblazoned with lay ers of lurid purple and blue.
“It’s truly an inspiration,” stated Nick Grainger ‘25 as he read a Brown Daily Herald article about Locke leaving his role at Brown. “Before, I thought academia meant that I was doomed to a life of ser vice and devotion to the betterment of young minds. Now, I know it’s okay to sell out for a large sum of money. This is such a relief!”Locke plans on making the move to Apple University at the end of 2022. In his new role, he’ll have the pleasure of never again having to interact with someone who enjoys classics or wants to talk about Foucault.“I’mhappy for Provost Locke. Now,
“I chose this 2022 Svedka for its dry, yet fruity, profile,” remarked Greenwald with the authority of a master sommelier. “It also has distinct notes of expired Sour Patch Kid.”
BY ANNIE CIMACK
At press time, Grainger was seen drop
BY KATE VAN RIPER vintage was
Sources report that first-year Alexa Greenwald is savoring her plastic cup of blue raspberry vodka as if it’s an aged wine from the Bordeaux region of France.
Freshman Savoring Blue Raspberry Vodka Like It Fine Bordeaux Wine
“I think this bottle might pair well with the jar of Costco cheese puffs my mom bought for me during move in,” con tinued Greenwald, swirling her cup as if
Sources report that Provost Richard Locke’s recent career transition to the new Vice President and Dean of Apple Uni versity is giving Brown students hope that they’ll also be able to sell out one day.
THE BROWN NOSER
“Fuck it. You know what? This is fine. I’m fucking done, okay?” said Hutchins, stepping out of his covered wagon in ru ral Iowa, 1800 miles from his destination. “Honestly, I don’t give a shit about Cali fornia anymore. Jesus Christ, this journey sucks so much! Like three people died of
At press time, Alexa was unable to continue enjoying the Svedka’s smooth luxuriance after watching her roommate throw it up later that evening.
ping his seminar, Intergenerational Pov erty in America, in favor of Investments I.
to gently aerate its contents. “Or perhaps it would work nicely in a spritzer of sorts, mixed with cranberry juice from Andrews in a to-go cup?”
BY HENRY BLOCK
he’s pursuing his true passion of being a part of the corporate machine, and isn’t that the point of a liberal arts experience?” said Grainger, sending applications to
This
aged two years on a dusty shelf in High Spirits. Stiff Collar Only Thing UprightPriest’sHoldingHeadLandlordReally Not That Nice Now That We Actually Live Here CAMPUS LIFE P20 OFF CAMPUS E45 30 Minute OfTemporalCompletelyNapDissolvesContinuityWoman’sLife CAMPUS LIFE H19 Student Finishes Unpaid Internship With Return Offer For Barely Paid Job CAMPUS LIFE G90 Shitty Affair Not Very Torrid OFF CAMPUS L18 We hear Des Moines has a lot to offer.
dysentery and we still have an entire year left to go. I’m just gonna call it quits here.”
Facebook and Lockheed Martin. “Maybe someday, I’ll find an even bigger drain on society to be a part of!”
Photo Staff Warren Diggles, Photo-Boy De Padova, Instagram-Boy Owens
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Editors-in-Chief Block Cimack DeclanHerrnstadtJohnson
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Film Bro’s Thesis Project Just 12-Minute Close-Up Of Woman Applying Lipstick
Jordan
Brown Facilities Announces Plans To Take All The Grass Out, Put It Back In Again
Dana
Webmaster Jackson
At press time, Cahill was setting up his next project, a claymation short film of a woman putting on a shoe.
“I shouldn’t have to learn how to do my laundry,” continued Scuttleman. “That’s women’s work!”
“Despite this new initiative, Brown Fa cilities will still be available to respond to issues regarding dorm room functionality and waste management concerns on cam pus,” stated Diggory in the email, giddy at the thought of campus being reduced to a
collection of bare plots of soil for months at a time. “But here at Brown, we’re com mitted to ensuring every blade of grass on campus is torn out by its roots on a regular basis and so we ask you to limit personal requests for the duration of the project.”
According to sources, MCM concen trator and film bro Max Cahill’s thesis project is just a twelve-minute close-up of a woman applying lipstick.
BY JORDAN DE PADOVA
Advice to freshmen: Smack your lips together after applying lipstick for maxi mum sumptuousness. Believe us, it works.
Annie
“I just, honestly, I can’t hear anyone say ‘westward ho!’ again. I promise you, we’re westAtenough.”presstime, Hutchin’s 21st-century descendants finally completed his pioneer journey by moving to San Francisco to work in tech.
Mmm, now we can finally eat the dirt. Yum!
Dad’s Favorite Comedian Just Sexist
“I think, for me, length was less important than precision,” said Cahill, defending the importance of making the clip last an entire 12 minutes. “We’re able to access a lot more specificity by really sitting in the scene.”
BY YASMEEN GABER
Printing by TCI Press
across the whole country? That’s insane,” said Hutchins, pitching a little tent on the prairie and smoking the tobacco pipe he was saving for Sacramento. “Let’s just be done, please. There’s nothing wrong with Iowa. We can grow wheat here and live in a little wooden town or something, who cares? Let’s just fucking do that.”
BY KENNEDY COMPTON
“It’s sort of a microcosm for the natu ral way we’re born versus the layers we put on to be accepted by society,” said writer-director Max Cahill ’23 while adjusting the zoom lens so that only the woman’s lips were visible. “I know it’s pretty complex; it probably takes a cou ple of viewings.”
thebrownnoser.comInstagram!on
Henry
Senior Staff Writers Sam AlexKateArielCarolineYasmeenJordanColt-SimondsDePadovaGaberO’DalySteinVanRiperValenti Staff Writers Tao Burga Montoya Aidan DanEthanStephanieAllisonLilyClarkSpencerLuciNathanOliviaRaymondKennedyBermanComptonDaiGolubowskiHaronianJonesKnerrOhStarrsSteinStilesSwagelWexler
“The initiative involves two main stages: stage one, taking all the grass out, and stage two, putting all the grass back in,” continued the email, which included a schematic drawing of grass labeled “out” beside the same image of grass la beled “in.” “Both stages are crucial to the success of this project.”
At press time, Lingerman’s children were uncomfortable with their father’s passionate defense of Scuttleman.
At press time, Brown Event Services announced a brand new objective to put up a bunch of tents and take them all down again.
THE BROWN NOSER A2 | THE BROWN NOSER HIGHLIGHTS SEPTEMBER 2022
“At the beginning of every new school year, Brown Facilities renews its commitment to a safer and more beauti ful campus,” wrote Facilities Operations Manager Joel Diggory, fantasizing about tearing handfuls of grass out of Ruth Sim mons Quad. “That’s why we’re proud to announce that 90-95 percent of the grass here on College Hill will be taken out and put back in again.”
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IOWA FROM PAGE A1
Thirty seconds into the start of local dad Ben Lingerman’s favorite comedy spe cial, it became clear that comedian Ronny Scuttleman is just sexist.
“Don’t you hate it when a woman tries to talk to you?” Scuttleman said as Linger man chuckled. “I hate my wife! Especially when she nags me about making my bed and brushing my teeth!”
In an email to the Campus Commu nity, Brown Facilities has announced an exciting new initiative to take all the grass out and put it back in again.
of lifeAtonce.”press time, the freshman was giving advice to a high school senior applying to Brown as if he were a high-ranking mem ber of the admissions committee.
Play it cool. We didn’t know if it would be rude to refuse, so we all just got what Toby got,” stated friend Freddy Hill, ten tatively scanning the drink menu. “All we were expecting was a free meal and a few embarrassing stories about Toby as a kid, and now I guess we’re drinking with his parents. Cool!” At press time, McCall’s parents were seen passing his friends the dessert menu.
Report: TooGettingFriend’sOh,ParentsUsDrinks
“I am absolutely heartbroken for the millions of females who no longer have the choice to make informed decisions about their own bodies,” captioned the guy who ignored your requests to buy emergency contraception, despite being largely re sponsible for the potential pregnancy. “It’s
Shortly after the waiter at Bacaro res taurant asked the table what they would like to drink, friends of Toby McCall ‘24 found that, oh, his parents are getting us drinks too. “Toby’s mom just handed us the drink menu. I was like, play it cool.
According to readers of memoirist Gwendolyn Liu’s latest collection of es says, the essay entitled “On Swans” must be the good one because it has the same title as the book. “I was making my way through the book, and I found the first couple essays to be fine enough, but when I got to ‘On Swans,’ I was like hell yeah, now it’s time for the good one,” said English concentrator Brandon Ma drillo ‘24, who pushed himself to read the essays in order instead of skipping to the titular one first. “I mean, it’s obvi ously the good essay because why else would she name the whole collection af
After noticing dead rodents scat tered around the back of the classroom, students realized their seemingly old pro fessor is actually just an owl in a wig. “It all makes sense now. He was always very wise, but it was creepy how he kept spin ning his head around while his body still faced the blackboard,” said Jack Gunn, the first student to notice all the feathers on the floor of the classroom. “For a while, I thought the guy just had a bad memory when he kept answering questions with ‘Who?’” At press time, the professor was tearing students’ homework into tiny little pieces for nesting material.
Sources report that sophomore Brian Frisk is offering advice to a freshman like a wizened monk sitting atop a mountain.
In an upsetting, but not surprising, turn of events, the guy who refused to buy you Plan B is reposting a Roe V. Wade info graphic on Instagram right now.
utterly disgusting that we live in a society that allows cis white men to dictate the reproductive rights of women, and I am absolutely enraged thinking about the hardship and injustice that females must endure on a regular basis.”
By posting a pro-Roe V. Wade info graphic on Instagram, your regrettable hookup ensured that all of his followers would know which states now restrict bodily autonomy. Not that he would re spect your bodily autonomy in those states anyway, especially if it meant embarking on a five-minute trip to the drug store one Sunday morning.
BY LILY STARRS
BY JOAN DIDION
Her power over them terrifies us. In the wrong hands, it could be disastrous.
Guy Who Refused To Buy You Plan B Really Reposting Roe V. Wade Infographic Right Now
“Well, you should explore plenty of classes during shopping period,” said Frisk with the gravitas of an ancient spiritual guide who has spent his life in a state of isolated contemplation. “And remember, it’s perfectly all right to stay in some week ends, even if other people are going out a lot.”
ter it? After I finish ‘On Swans,’ the rest of the collection is gonna be such a struggle to get through because I already know none are gonna be as good as that one.” At press time, Madrilllo told people his fa vorite essay was a different one to make it clear he read the whole book.
Sophomore Giving Advice To Freshman Like He Wizened Monk Atop Mountain
Follow us on @thebrownnoserInstagram! He has great ratings on Critical Review.
“You probably won’t even talk to your orientation friend group in a few months,” added Frisk as if drawing from decades’ worth of wisdom, despite being just seven months older than the freshman. “And, by the way, most of these freshman couples that get together first semester are going to break up anyway.”
BY O’ WISE ONE
BY CLARK OH
Essay With Same Title As GoodMustCollectionBeTheOne
Really Old Professor Just Owl In Wig
BY CAROLINE O'DALY
“If any female needs someone to talk to right now, I’m more than happy to be a source of support during these difficult times,” he added, confirming that his DMs were open to emotionally vulner able women looking for a nice guy. “I know that we will get through this…to gether. <3”
SEPTEMBER 2022 CAMPUS LIFE THE BROWN NOSER | B1
“You know, you don’t have to become best friends with your roommate, you only have to find a way to coexist,” said Frisk, sagely speaking as if the freshman were a lonely traveler entering a remote monas tery in search of answers. “Just soak it all in. You’ll only get to experience this stage
At press time, the guy who interned for Chevron was retweeting posts from Greta Thunberg.
barrassment to the sport, really. It’s atro cious.”“It’s really not that hard to throw a fris bee,” Lowry added, watching one of the kids confidently chuck the frisbee right into a tree. “You can learn from a simple YouTube video. Or by watching literally anyone who has a remote idea of how to throw. You’d think they’d practice on their own before doing it in front of everybody.”
Engaged in a romantic rendezvous for the ages, sophomore Claire Kane has a love life that is absolutely insane by 19thcentury courtship standards.
Kids Tossing Frisbee On Main EmbarrassinglyGreen Bad At Frisbee
B2 | THE BROWN NOSER CAMPUS LIFE SEPTEMBER 2022 You can’t have it all.
Their Doc Martens have the British flag on them. How cool is that?
According to witnesses on campus yesterday, some students tossing around a frisbee on the Main Green are embarrass ingly bad at frisbee.
At press time, sources confirmed that the students are also humiliatingly terrible at Spikeball.
BY DALTON SPENCE
“He’s totally checking me out from the water bottle refill station right now,” said Kane, staring at her suitor from across the Sci Li, titillated by the prospect of a shortterm, morally depraved romance beyond the sacred bond of wedlock. “He’s every thing I could ever ask for in a casual hook up: an even temper, sizable fortune, and fondness for Thursday nights at the GCB. Something’s definitely going to happen between the two of us!”
A new report revealed that some stu dents are from THE city, while others are just from A “Interestinglycity. enough, some students are from THE city while others are from different cities,” stated the report. “Stu dents from THE city attended important schools, while students from A city likely just went to high schools named after presidents.”Thereport added that students from THE city can also be recognized by insular social circles, having names such as Elliot or Victoria, and smoking cigarettes.
Despite the lack of interactions be tween Kane and her potential paramour, she’s confident that her days as a twentyone-year-old spinster will soon come to an end.“Just wait till you hear about this scan dalous dalliance,” added Kane, returning her beloved’s suggestive stare with an agreeable smile. “Our shoulders brushed while we were taking a turn about Barus & Holley, and the moment has consumed every waking thought of mine since. Can you imagine what would happen if we held hands?”
“It’s pretty obvious that those kids have never thrown a frisbee in their life,” said junior Kira Lowry, quickly ducking to avoid a rogue frisbee spinning inches away from her forehead. “They’re an em
At press time, the report made no fur ther conclusions, as all students from THE city were in New York for the weekend.
Eager to advance the relationship, Kane plans to reside in her dorm all day, waiting for her suitor to call upon her via text or Snapchat.
“The biggest differences are in beliefs and values. Students from THE city are more focused on mergers, acquisitions, and thrifting corsets," the report contin ued. "Students from A city are focused on normal things, like homework.”
Reports indicate that junior Alan Singh, despite shopping twelve courses, will ultimately default back to his con centration requirements. “I really wanted to see what exciting interdisciplinary courses the open curriculum has to offer,” Singh said of the twelve courses that, ac
Student Shopping Twelve RequirementsFourGoingUltimatelyClassesJustToTakeHisConcentration
“I’m hoping to receive an invitation to his pregame this weekend,” added Kane, absolutely enthralled by a relationship that hasn’t even entered the talking phase yet. “An intimate gathering of that kind is the perfect place to start a romance. Who knows? Maybe I could even sit near him–in the presence of chaperones, of course!”
At press time, Kane’s career aspira tions were only deemed inspirational for a woman by mid-20th-century social stan dards.
BY SPENCER KNERR
Love Life Absolutely Insane By 19thCentury StandardsCourtship
ful group of students on a picnic blanket, several yards away from its intended re cipient. “These kids are out there every day. I even heard one of them refer to him self as a ‘Disc-er.’”
Frisbees aren’t for hitting people! Bad frisbee player, bad!
Report:
“Still, you gotta respect their dedica tion,” Lowry continued, as the frisbee landed forcefully in the middle of a peace
cording to University policy, would be impossible to fit into his schedule. “I’m shopping them because they seem cool, or in case I want to completely abandon my concentration plan and scrap the two years and countless hours I put into biomedical engineering.” At press time, Singh was talking with his advisor about auditing a course whose professor he will never contact.
JustTHEFreshmanSomeFromCity,OthersFromACity
BY ARIEL STEIN
BY IVANA SUITER
spectful to leave me out when you decide it’s time to kick back and light up.”
Senior Excited To Pursue PostGrad Plans Of Thinking About Law School
RA Telling Group Of First Years Not To Smoke Indoors…Without Her!
“I know that some people just skate board to look cool,” added Kang, who only rides his skateboard on extremely flat surfaces and for extremely short periods of time. “But that’s not me. I ride with rea son, and I hope that those posers can learn to do the same.”
SEPTEMBER 2022 CAMPUS LIFE THE BROWN NOSER | B3
Resident Advisor in da houseee!
At press time, the film camera hanging around Kang’s neck was no more practical than his pearl choker.
Want to write for The Brown Noser? Email us at thebrownnoser@gmail.com to ask for an application!
“Some of my friends told me they got paid for their internships, ibut at least I’ll be able to get another unpaid internship
he’s already independently wealthy.
“I do kickflips and switch ollies all the time,” reported Kang, clutching his mint condition skateboard under his arm instead of riding it. “I would totally show you a trick right now, but I twisted my an kle doing a backside half-cab pop shove-it in the Power Street parking lot, so you’ll have to see me shred another day.”
Unpaid SkateboardInternshipToProbablyInternshipGoodEnoughLandFutureUnpaidMostlyHeld
“It’s important to have respect for the property of the university, and even more so, respect for your peers and neighbors,” said Mulligan to a group of first years dur ing their unit orientation. “Remember, I’m your neighbor too, and it’s not very re
“You’re sharing this space with others, and they may not be comfortable with the smell. But I definitely am,” stated Mulligan as she demonstrated how to use a box fan around to blow air out of a room. “Also, be mindful of your resources here and try not to be wasteful. In other words, if you have questions about how much of a certain substance you should put in a bong or roll ing paper, please come see me.
that ResLife will flag alcohol bottles left in plain sight, but not inside a dresser or a fridge.
Heading into his final year of college, senior Andrew Tonuzi cannot wait to pur sue his post-grad plans of thinking about going to law school.
At press time, Tonuzi revealed that he’s also considering maybe getting a master’s or something.
Cradled safely in the arms of its Carhartt-clad owner, sophomore Riley Kang’s skateboard is mostly held.
BY POWER TRIP
“I’ll be clicking around on a lot of law school websites, watching a lot of episodes of Suits, and reading a lot of Reddit threads about just how accurate Legally Blonde is,” said Tonuzi, updating his LinkedIn profile to “Thinking About Going To Law School.” “It’ll be hard work – no doubt about it – but I know that thinking about going to law school is the right step for me and my career right now, no matter how difficult it might be.”
Here are some more cool skateboarding tricks: - Triple axel - Sitting on the board and rolling down hill - Falling off and breaking arm - Taking skateboard apart and using the parts to build a robot - Stealing
BY ELLE SAT
BY TOTALLY RAD
According to multiple sources, Kang has rarely been spotted on his skateboard while it’s in motion. However, he contin ues to carry it with him everywhere he goes, ensuring that anyone who crosses his path can admire his carefully curated collage of deck stickers.
“I just can’t wait to get out of here so I can start the next chapter of my life: the one where I think about going to law school,” said Tonuzi, doing a quick Google search for “good LSAT book.” “College has been awesome, but I’m ready for the real world, and, for me, that means think ing about going to law school.”
It’ll take him twenty years to make partner, but he’ll fall in love with the work!
Although Tonuzi is eager for post-grad life, he still plans to savor his final days in college, as he will soon endure the incredi bly demanding schedule of thinking about going to law school.
BY SAM COLT-SIMONDS
At press time, Jake reached out telling readers not to worry about him because
Sources in a freshman dorm report that resident advisor Lisa Mulligan has instructed them not to smoke indoors… without her!
After an incredibly strenuous summer internship, junior Jake Johnson is just hap py to have a better standing for next year’s internship hiring process.
next summer more easily,” said Jake as he clutched a cup of coffee and perused Brown Connect. “I would’ve asked to maybe get some college credit but I never got to speak to any of my coworkers. They’ll still write me a recommendation though, to help me continue to get unpaid work in the future.”
At press time, Mulligan was stressing
smoke, I guess. Once she started flailing her hand around, I knew she’d never actu ally smoked a cigarette.”
“I know that we’ve only been going out for a few weeks, but I really think that Liam is the one,” said Hampson, fawning over a picture of Liam on his weekend fishing trip with the boys. “Last night, Liam and I were getting dinner at Heng Thai. He opened the door for me and ev erything! I’m just so lucky to have found my Afterperson.”meeting her new beau at a Cas well basement party, Hampson could
“It’s finally mine! All mine!” Carey exulted, frantically drafting an email fea turing bolded sections and multiple links to healthy.brown.edu. “When we require students to get the new booster, or remind
Later in the scene, Allan reportedly rested the “cigarette” on her cheek in be tween dramatic puffs, and then rested it on her “Ifleg.it were real, it would’ve burned a hole in her jeans,” Lynde said as Allan pretended to choke on smoke. “It was so obvious she’d never even held a cigarette before. At one point, it looked like she was
“Steven’s aunt has an apartment on the Upper West Side, so we can probably hang out there one night,” Taggart continued, unaware that Steven will soon get into a devastating argument with Jenna and never speak to any of them again. “Should we get tickets to a show? The Book of Mor mon, maybe? I think I’ll just go ahead and buyAtthem!”press time, Taggart was Venmo re questing large sums of money from people she would avoid for the rest of her life.
Reports indicate that a group of freshmen, reveling in the joys of new friendship, is already planning a trip to New York as if they won’t all hate each other in three weeks.
Grinning from ear to ear as she shows off her most recent “morning babe” text, senior Sarah Hampson gleefully an nounced that she’s dating “the one” when she’s actually just dating Liam.
Russell LockeUpdateMonopolyRelishingCareyNewfoundOnCovidEmailsWithGone
maybe trying to eat it? I really have no idea.”At press time, nobody could tell what accent Allan was attempting to speak with.
B4 | THE BROWN NOSER CAMPUS LIFE SEPTEMBER 2022
Freshman Friend Group
BY HIM, REALLY?
Friend Claiming She’s Dating “The One” Really Just Dating Liam
At press time, Carey was hoping for a
Crowing at the absence of his longtime rival, Provost Richard Locke, Executive Vice President Russell Carey is overjoyed at his new monopoly over the sending of campus Covid updates.
new variant so he could show off his new found powers.
“This is gonna be so fun!” said Kate Taggart, booking an Airbnb for six people who won’t be able to look each other in the eye by the time the trip rolls around. “It’ll be great to get away from Providence and spend some time with
them to isolate if sick, or just want to freak them out on a Tuesday afternoon, I get to be the one who drafts ‘[ACTION NEED ED] IMPORTANT: COVID-19 Update. PLEASE READ ASAP.’”
my favorite people. I can’t wait to walk on the High Line with all of you!”
After playing a jaded old man in a scene, it became clear that improviser Ruby Allan has never smoked a cigarette.
hardly believe her luck when she first laid eyes on Liam. Backwards hat upon his head and White Claw in hand, he wooed her with the opening line: “Do I know you?”“There’s just something so special about Liam,” added Hampson, lost in thought about her lover, who concentrates in Econ and lives in Massachusetts. “Liam is such a risk taker too. Did you know that Liam is doing study abroad in Spain next semester? I’m going to miss Liam so much, but I know that my bond with Liam is strong enough to make it through long distance.”Atpress time, your friend claiming to have the cutest dog ever really just had a Shih Tzu.
Say “yes, and” to life!
Member Of Improv Group Has Clearly Never CigaretteSmoked
BY ETHAN SWAGEL
BY DANA HERRNSTADT
ThreeEachTheyNewPlanningAlreadyTripToYorkAsIfWon’tHateOtherInWeeks
You wouldn’t believe what Heather said about Rebecca.
“She sort of held two fingers up to her mouth vertically,” audience member Josie Lynde said of Allan’s performance. “Then she started breathing really heavily so we would know that she was, like, inhaling
BY ALEX VALENTI
“Sure, now he’s making way more money. But does he get to announce that students should be mindful of CDC guidelines when traveling? NO!” Carey exclaimed, cutting out Locke’s face from all of their shared photos. “Carey is back on top, baby!”
Freshman Nathaniel Baker’s room is pretty much just a laundry basket and a Pulp Fiction poster.
poster, or pictures of his family since he’s only living here for a year.”
“Oink oink piggies of Brown Uni versity, it’s feeding time!” began Brown Dining Services in an email to students announcing the new meal option. “Get ready to gorge on some slop, hogs! For just one meal swipe, you can get on your hands and knees, crawl up to the trough with your sow buddies and go headfirst into the river of nutritious slop. If you get thirsty, stop by the mud bucket for some refreshing hose water.”
Prepared for another two weeks of students scrambling to select their courses, the Critical Review will offer no criticism nor review for literally any class you’re thinking of taking this semester.
At press time, Brown plans to fix its overcrowded dorms by housing excess students in an outdoor pen with all the little activities a curious piggy could need.
BY OINK OINK
Critical Review To Offer No Criticism Nor Review For Literally Any Class You’re Thinking Of Taking This Semester
He’s
“He’s had plenty of time to personalize his room, but not much has changed since he assembled his pop-up laundry basket and taped up a glossy poster of Uma Ther man smoking a cigarette,” said his room mate George Harlotte as he looked around the spartan dorm. “He says the bare wall lets him bounce a lacrosse ball in the room without breaking anything.”
At press time, Baker was found starting a liquor bottle collection.
“Since the trough is outdoors, we never have to worry about occupancy concerns during COVID waves, so, rain or shine, you can waddle up to the trough and fill your snout with all the slop you can take,” the email continued. “If you’re wor ried if you’ll get all muddy, don’t worry: youInwill!”opening the feeding trough, Brown hopes to mitigate the long wait students
No way he tied that bowtie on his own.
Susan Marshall took of his sandwich.
Sources report that area freshman Douglas Reed is tightening his suspend ers, shining his brand-new shoes, and polishing a big red apple for his first day of class.“Golly gee, I sure am looking forward to my very first day,” said Reed, comb ing his hair into a slick middle part. “I do hope Mr. or Mrs. Teacher likes apples!”
not going to change those sheets.
BY ZERO STARS
“I wonder if the boys and girls will be assigned desks alphabetically, or in order of our birthdays,” considered Reed, ad
BY LOOKIN SPARSE
open 24/7 too, so if you swine are up late after a long night of oinking about, stop by the feed trough for some hot pig slop.”
room looks virtually uninhabited,” added Harlotte, staring at the poster for Taranti no’s 1994 Best Picture winner. “He told me he doesn’t need things like a rug, a second
“So long, sport!” said Reed, ruffling his loyal dog Spot’s fur as he prepared to march out the door. “Ma, I’ll be home be foreAtsupper!”press time, Reed was asking his professor if he could earn extra credit by staying after class to clean the blackboard erasers.
“Aside from the 3-in-1 Old Spice body wash and a single pillow, his side of the
BY ZUCKERBURGER
BY LITTLE CONNOR
asked me to send $.50 for using his nap kin, like he didn’t just make tens of thou sands of dollars working at McKinsey.” At press time, Bernard was seen sending a CashApp request for using his restroom.
SEPTEMBER 2022 CAMPUS LIFE THE BROWN NOSER | B5
Friend Returning From BiteVenmoInternship$30,000SendsRequestForOfSandwich
This year, we’re proud to offer five, maybe six, class evaluations, all of which are in the eco-gastronomy department.” At press time, Courses@Brown was making it un necessarily hard to find courses at Brown.
Soooweeeee! Pig, pig, pig! Come and get it!
After making $30,000 at his summer internship, junior Mark Bernard has re portedly requested payment for the bite
Brown Dining Services Debuts New Slop Trough For All You Hungry Piggies
Guy’s Dorm Decor Just Laundry Basket And Pulp Fiction Poster
often face during lunch rushes. Addition ally, since the slop is specially formulated to contain all vital nutrients, the university hopes it will boost student health and pro ductivity.“Whoo-wee you piggies are hungry, but don’t worry, there’s enough mush to go around,” continued the email. “We’re
FirstApplePolishesShinesSuspenders,TightensFreshmanEagerShoes,ForDay
“He told me it was $2.50,” said Marshall, angrily staring at her Venmo. "Then, he
justing his round wire-frame glasses and pulling a cable-knit sweater over his spiffy suspenders. “Heavens to Betsy, I suppose I am a little nervous!”
“We know that Shopping Period can be stressful, and we want to alleviate that stress however we can,” said the publica tion’s editor-in-chief, finalizing reports on absolutely any class except for the ones you’re hoping to take this fall. “The Criti cal Review is just what students need to get them through the start of the semester.
To combat long lines at overcrowded dining halls, Brown Dining Services has announced a new cafeteria at which Brown students can eat, study, and social ize: a 50-yard-long slop trough.
After an unfortunate run-in with her Resident Advisor, sophomore Marissa Janette claimed that her bong is actually a decorative vase. “Look! It’s perfect for
I wonder what’s in the “Divorce” folder.
manning the door like a battered vaga bond hoping for a warm meal and a bed by the hearth for the evening. “I think my friend is inside; could I go find him?”
flowers,” Janette said, gesturing toward the bong. "It’s just a pretty accessory where I can store things. I’ve never even smoked.”
Every Detail Of Professor’s PsychoanalyzedDesktop
At press time, Angler was transforming into a beautiful sorceress and hexing the crew team to punish their pride and arro gance.
StudentVase,DecorativeBongStudent'sActuallyClaims
“Ever y night, I’d check Matty’s room, but it was always sad and empty. When I texted him to see how he was doing, he said he was ‘growing a lot’ and ‘ready for
BY UNCOMFORTABLE
His French didn’t improve, but his intimacy issues went away.
“You can tell he’s just itching to overdo it,” said Pickett’s friend John Sugden, as Pickett squirmed anxiously watching his burrito being prepared. “This hap pens every time we get Mexican food.”
At press time, Cook’s friends were seen returning the “Welcome Home” banner they bought the previous week.
Freshman Seeking Entrance To Crew Party Like Haggard Beggar Seeking Shelter From Storm
Late last night, a knock on the door to the crew house revealed freshman Nick Angler seeking entrance to a party like a beggar hoping for shelter from a storm.
BY CUFFED
BY LIGHT EM UP
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new experiences.’ I just put two and two together, and assumed he was abroad,” said friend Carson Rudolf, after confident ly asking Cook how his semester in Italy was. “Apparently, he was just a few houses down the street hanging out with his girl friend Julia. Who would have thought?"
At press time, Pickett was overheard pro nouncing Barcelona with a “th.”
Friend You Thought Was Studying Abroad Last RelationshipActuallySemesterJustIn
“Um, so are you guys full in there?” asked Angler, eyes imploring the senior
BY CHET PONG
During the brief window in which their professor left his desktop projected, students reportedly psychoanalyzed ev ery detail available.
At press time, Janette was seen vaping, or, as she recalls “sucking on her USB drive.”
Please, sir! May we have some Natty Light?
“No, I don’t know the names of any one on the team,” added a downtrodden Angler, desperate as if he had been weath ering a freezing downpour for hours and this house was his only chance of respite.
“The first thing I saw was a cluster of attachments in the bottom left corner,” said student Henry Sporell, who was en gaged in class for the first time all period. “To me, it suggests a sort of internal dis order. Or perhaps images that fuel an af fair?”“I personally found the dog screen saver captivating,” said Anna Rabeno vitz, who seized on every last morsel of information available. “He must also have some photos of his family, why did he prioritize the dog? Is he feeling discon nected?”Inother news, the class was also filled with anticipation as their professor typed “p” into his search bar.
Area Man Just Dying To Use Heavy Spanish Accent When Pronouncing “Pico De Gallo”
According to sources at Baja's Ta queria on Thayer street, area man Logan Pickett is just dying to use a heavy Span ish accent when ordering pico de gallo.
After a semester of silence, it’s become clear that your friend Matty Cook, who you thought was studying abroad last se mester, was actually just in a relationship.
B6 | THE BROWN NOSER CAMPUS LIFE SEPTEMBER 2022
BY DECLAN JOHNSON
“Can’t I just go in for a second? Hey, you’re letting those girls in!”
“The post was really more about the other pictures I had put in there, though,” she lied. “I hope everyone enjoyed that photo I added of that open window with the shades blowing in the wind. I just don’t want people to think I’m trying too hard.”
BY PEARL EARRING
Wiping their hands on their monster truck t-shirts, the nation’s little boys re cently announced plans to show you how high they can jump. “Are you watching? Are you watching? It doesn’t count if you
dropped it in there,” said Neeky in a low whisper like some kind of secret agent.
to ask for an application! Who could blame her?
You have to visit the Joe Biden Welcome Center on the Delaware Turnpike.
Running her fingers across a price less oil painting, Metropolitan Museum of Art curator Diana Gillis is reportedly just in it to touch the art.
BY LEAP
As
BY WHERE’S WALDO
aren’t watching!” said the little boys, bright red with sweat and excitement.
Report: Guy Who Loves Home State Just From Delaware
Curator Just In It To Touch The Art
satire?
BY GIRLS NIGHT
To be honest, it’s not that high.
Since it opened in 2019, wine and paint bar Brushstroke Corner has been making it easy for any adult to paint like a third grader. “When you step into Brush stroke Corner, we want you to unlock the creative juices you didn’t know you had,” said manager Stephanie Burch, staring admiringly at the malformed, bizarrely colored paintings of dogs and flowers lin
was trying too hard.
SEPTEMBER 2022 OFF CAMPUS THE BROWN NOSER | C1
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Every morning, Gillis heads to work, where she plans exhibits, acquires new pieces, and touches million-dollar works of art.“The galleries are cool and whatever, but there’s no feeling like when I hold a 200-year-old pastel knowing my greasy paws are some of the privileged few that get to touch it,” she said, putting her whole hand on a Renoir. “I don’t really
care what the paintings are of; it’s more about being able to stick my palm on some canvas for as long as I want without anyone stopping me.”
ing the walls of her studio. “Or, really, the juices you had during your third-grade art class. With great wine and great com pany, something magical happens in here: you transform from an adult who doesn’t know how to paint at all into a child who knows how to paint a little bit.” At press time, the adults in the studio were cheer ily signing their paintings in big sloppy letters.
long as they’re having fun.
According to recent Instagram sourc es, area woman Jess Neeky just posted a sultry selfie watered down by several lukewarm photos she picked randomly from her camera roll. “In truth, I just wanted people to think I had accidentally
“We’re definitely gonna need a running start for this one, so you should probably back up. Okay, you say ‘ready, set, go’ and then we do the jump on ‘go.’” At press time, the little boys were announcing further plans to show you their best can nonball in the pool.
judge Mariah Simmons was just in it to play with the gavel.
Area Woman Posts Selfie Hidden Amid Eight Photos Of Food And Windows
At press time, Ninth Circuit Court
In an enlightening discovery, sources indicate that Cameron Perez, who adores his home state, is really just from Delaware. “You’re from the city? Yeah, well if the city isn’t Dover, you’re missing out. New York pizza is noth ing compared to a slice at Antonio’s on Maple St.,” Cameron remarked, showing photos that could be literally anywhere. “California has nothing on the beaches in Wilmington. Delaware is the best state in the continental U.S. Heck, even Hawaii and Alaska pale in comparison.” At press time, Perez was grabbing a scoop of his favorite ice cream, which is just vanilla.
At press time, everyone thought Neeky
BY MID ATLANTIC
“People assume I’m a curator be cause of some deep appreciation for culture,” Gillis said, eyes closing as she pressed her forehead against a Cezanne. “But, really, it’s because I get a rush out of touching really old paintings and sculptures and stuff.”
Wine And Paint GradersLikeToForMakesClassItEasyAdultsPaintThird
Nation’s Little Boys Announce Plans To Show You How High They Can Jump
BY BITE SIZE
Hamster Really Wishes Owner Would Feed It Hamster Food Instead Of Tiny Plates Of Spaghetti
According to the International Marine Biology Research Institute, due to climate change-related habitat loss, the fish tank in the lobby of SmileBrite pediatric den tist’s office in Worcester, Massachusetts is officially the most habitable environ ment on Earth for tropical fish. “We have looked at the data relating to water pollu tion, ocean acidification, and oil particles per million and have concluded that the fish tank in SmileBrite’s office, though small, is the best place on Earth to be a tropical fish,” said oceanographer Katrina Graff, petitioning the UN to designate SmileBrite’s lobby as a nature reserve.
BY DAN WEXLER
Local chef Matthew Blythe’s chef’s hat really makes him feel like a chef, reports Blythe. “Once I put on my chef’s hat, I know there’s nothing I can’t cook,” Blythe said, adjusting his white, muffin-like head piece. “There’s no doubt about it–my chef’s hat makes me feel like I can fry, grill,
“It’s important to avoid assumptions in this line of work,” added Reyes, strug
We’ve all done it. Get off your high horse! Don’t forget to floss, or all the fish will die.
do what we can to preserve this natural wonder.” Shifting to a different marine habitat, Graff confirmed that the most habitable environment for freshwater tur
Chef's Hat Really Makes Chef Feel Like Chef, Reports Chef
or poach just about anything. When I’m not wearing my chef’s hat, I feel less like a chef,” stated Blythe, alternatively taking off and putting on the starched linen hat. “See? Not chef. Chef. Not chef. Chef. Not chef. Chef.” At press time, local firefighter Shirley Philips reported that her big hose really makes her feel like a firefighter.
“I see here that in 2017 he sent some one named ‘Maddy’ an emoji of a movie ticket,” reported Reyes with the attention to detail of an excavator cataloguing price less artifacts. “Perhaps this implies that he went on a date with this ‘Maddy’ indi
“Though the fish are enclosed in glass and fed with flakes from a little bottle, this tank is a more accurate representation of the habitat in which tropical fish evolved than the actual oceans are today. We must
tles is the tank in the bedroom of Ontario fourth grader Mikey Garnet.
Sources report that area woman Shelly Reyes is on her sixth hour of combing through her crush’s public Venmo transac tions like she is an archeologist examining precious remains.
vidual, though I see she is absent from the record after this occurrence.”
gling to make sense of the transactions like a scholar pondering the potential uses of a primitive tool. “While a novice might say that this woman who shares his last name and frequently sends him money for ‘a Starbucks study break’ is his mother, the trained eye must consider that she could also be his secret wife.”
At press time, Reyes was analyzing her crush’s latest text to her like a medieval scholar poring over a rare manuscript.
BY DIG DIG DIG
Um, it’s actually called a toque. Look it up. SEPTEMBER 2022
BY BLUE TANG
Sources report that local hamster Dr. Wiggins desperately wishes he was fed regular hamster food instead of miniature plates of spaghetti. “It was cute the first
Girl Combing Through Crush’s Venmo History Like Archeologist Sifting Through Remains
Gas Prices Drop Below $4 For First Time Since Last Time They Were Below $4
guzzle goes the gas pump!” At press time, another source reported that today was the hottest day on record since the last hot test day.
THE BROWN NOSER | C2OFF CAMPUS
time, but now, I’m honestly sick of it,” stat ed Dr. Wiggins as his owner set recorded the next installment of their viral TikTok series. “I mean, I’m a hamster for chris sakes. All I need is some kibble, a little seed mix, and a carrot every once in a while. Is that too much to ask?” At press time, Dr. Wiggins was drinking a tiny glass of lemon ade and wishing his owner would let him use an upside-down water bottle like the other hamsters.
Drivers report that gas prices have dipped below $4 for the first time since the last time they were below $4. “I can’t re member the last time gas prices were this low!” exclaimed area mom Sarah Smit, forgetting that prices were this low the last time they were this low. “Guzzle guzzle
Tank In Dentist Office Lobby Officially Most Habitable Place On Earth For Tropical Fish
“Moving to the more contemporary period, I notice several instances where he has paid a ‘Brianna’ for, and I quote, ‘drinks’ or ‘drinks and apps,’” continued Reyes with the precision of a researcher gently brushing the dust from a shard of pottery. “Could this signify a casual hookup? Or perhaps several group din ners where ‘Brianna’ often paid the bill? While both theories are compelling, the evidence is inconclusive.”
BY FRANCOIS
At press time, Ardon’s classmates were gaping in awe when they discovered that she could also draw animals really well.
write a ‘Z’ like that.”
A team of recruiters for investment banking firm Goldman Sachs has adver tised their need for future employees with drive, passion, a top hat, and a monocle.
Reports from Lincoln Elementary School indicate that Gabbie Ardon, a second grader with really good handwrit ing, is achieving some sort of god status among her peers.
“Look at that!” exclaimed classmate James Roshman, pointing at the poster Ardon was making for a report on snails.
BY COMMS DIRECTOR
We should put them all on Prozac.
Sources at the city zoo report that the Fifi the orangutan’s eyes are especially mournful. “I don’t know what I was ex pecting, but honestly, it bummed me out a bit,” stated zoo-goer Jeff Rango as Fifi slowly raised a massive hand to the glass window of her enclosure. “Maybe she
BY FORLORN MICHAELS
“Gabbie has the BEST handwriting in the class – probably in the whole world, too. It’s amazing! Like, how does someone even do “Everyonethat?” wants to be Gabbie’s friend,” Roshman continued, as Ardon neatly wrote the word “slime” in green crayon. “She makes the best posters, so if you’re in her group for a project you get a really good grade. Maybe one day she’ll let me be her friend and show me how to
BY PENMANSHIP
RecruitersFinance Seeking Applicants With Drive, Passion, Top Hat, Monocle
“Not just anyone can fit into the fi nance world,” continued West, preparing an icebreaker where the firm’s new cohort shared their favorite cummerbund manu facturers. “Most successful young bankers
have a strong background in economics, a willingness to sacrifice their personal life for their job, and a closet bursting with only the finest top hats straight from Lon don.”“Diversity and inclusion is a prior ity for the firm,” added West, scanning LinkedIn profile pictures for students dressed like Gilded Age tycoons of indus try. “While monocle-wearing is ideal for our employees, we also welcome recruits who prefer to wear a gold pocket-watch or even a signet ring.”
At press time, military recruiters were seeking applicants with patriotism, physi cal fitness, and a loving missus waiting for them on the homefront.
SEPTEMBER 2022OFF CAMPUSC3 | THE BROWN NOSER
“We’re looking for a certain kind of team player,” said head of recruitment Trent West, envisioning a new batch of young talent smoking cigars around a roaring fire. “This kind of business needs people who care about their work, aren’t afraid to put in long hours and spend a lot of time at the tailor.”
BY MR MONOPOLY
We got skeptical when he said that the government “hits different.” Want to write for The Brown Noser? Email us at thebrownnoser@gmail.com to ask for an application! It’s over for everyone else when she learns cursive.
doesn’t want to be confined to a cement box for decades until she eventually just dies. But then again, maybe she just looks sad!” At press time, Rango was banging on the glass to get the orangutan’s attention.
Public Beginning To Think Joe Biden Didn’t Make This Instagram Reel
Second Grader With Really Good Handwriting Achieving God Status Among Peers Report: MournfulAnimal’sZooEyes
Sources report that something about Joe Biden’s latest Instagram Reel makes them feel like the president may not have made it himself. “You know, I’m not sure why, but I just don’t think Joe posted this,” said Marcus Sanchez as he watched the ten-second clip of Joe Biden on the phone in the Oval Office. “I mean, it’s really well edited and I’m loving the background music, but it just doesn’t feel like Joe.” At press time, Sanchez was realizing that the email he got from Nancy Pelosi may not have actually been from her.
Organic Dog Food PelletsMimicsFound In Nature
BY UH OH
At press time, teenagers were scaveng ing through Great-Grandma’s dusty linge rie.
trains. “This trip she timed perfectly to the train traversing a section of bumpy, rusted railway that we will be fixing if the Demo crat’s infrastructure bill passes. This would have given her perfect cover to snatch the sandwich under the guise of tripping and bring it to Lars in 6A. But Gabrielle, you
Mustachioed Pete Buttigieg OnElaborateSolvesWhodunnitAmtrakTrain
“It’s a really great piece dating back to the fifties,” said Nolan, gesturing to the bed where, forty-eight hours earlier, her greatgrandmother clutched her hand and took her last breath. “Super sturdy, too!”
sole heir to the family beach house will be—
“You can feel its wisdom, you know? And the woodwork is just scrumptious!” Nolan said of the frame as an interested customer lay spread-eagle on the bed’s
Shoppers at the estate sale were im pressed with the classic beauty of the bed frame and inspired by its rich history, which included over a decade of continual use by the bedridden elder.
BY CRUNCH CRUNCH
couldn’t have tripped: Amtrak just redid the carpeting on 60% of its fleet last year.” At press time, Buttigieg is now solving a mystery far more devious than the last on a ferry to Staten Island. BY MONSIEURSERCRETARYTRANSPORT
our bike trip in Banff last year, and we’re hoping to do a bike trip on the Croatian coast before we get too old. Regardless, nothing beats just biking to work in the morning, and setting up shop in the el liptical in the basement at night.” At press time, the nation’s tastefully toned moms have announced plans to go on a yoga retreat.
sage for group of hunching men anxiously waiting for news of the armistice, trench soldier William Davies, whose head is inches above the trench wall, wants every one to know that—
BY ALLISON STEIN
ingredients that occur naturally in the shelf-stable pellets in nature. “Dogs are natural omnivores, so we made sure to have the dog’s kibble eating experience be just like it would be when they ate kibble before being domesticated, whether it be foraging for pellets in the woods, hunting down wild pellets alongside their pack, or using their excellent sense of smell to scavenge for pellets on the forest floor.”
It still smells like her, too.
According to sources on the south bound Boston-to-DC Acela Amtrak train, Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is pacing up and down the aisle as he twirls his big mustache while putting the pieces together of an elaborate whodunnit. “You see, while we all thought Gabrielle in 21B was in the bathroom dur ing the time in which Imogene in 13C’s egg salad sandwich was stolen, she was walking up to business class to ask her husband Lars in 6A a question about their goddaughter, Lars being the very man who forgot to pack a lunch for the jour ney,” said Secretary Buttigieg, eliciting gasps from the passengers and pretending to smoke out of a big pipe, because actu ally smoking is not permitted on Amtrak
In other news, Grandpa says that the
Strapping on their helmets and zipping up their tight-fitting multicolored nylon shirts, the nation’s wiry dads are gearing up to go on yet another bike trip. “My bike buddies and I are so excited to bike up the coast of Northern California, it’s great ex ercise and a whole lot of fun,” said sinewy father Owen March, the contours of his frog-like leg muscles peering through his padded bike shorts as he and the rest of the country’s skinny dads squeezed their water bottle for a faraway sip. “We loved
BY HARDCORE
Sophia Nolan, host of a local estate sale, is reportedly advertising the vintage mahogany bed frame where her greatgrandmother died just days before.
sheets, which had possibly been washed in the time since Great-Grandma passed. “You can’t buy this kind of authenticity at Ikea.”“This bed is just wonderful,” Nolan continued, surreptitiously kicking a stray bedpan out of sight. “I hope its new family treats it just as lovingly.”
Trench Soldier Giving Monologue While Standing Wants Everyone to Know That—
Estate Sale Advertising Gorgeous Antique Bed Frame Great-Grandma Just Died On Last Week
Nation’s Wiry Dads To Go On Bike Trip
Standing up among the booms of ground-shaking artillery fire with a mes
According to pet industry sources, organic dog food brand Wilderness Feast provides dogs with a nutrient-complete diet by mimicking the pellets a dog would encounter in nature. “Our kibble is spe cifically designed to recreate the type of uniform brown circles that the dog’s wolf ancestors would have eaten,” said Wilder ness Feast spokesperson Jennifer Kilgore, explaining how this brand uses only the
All aboard!
SEPTEMBER 2022 OFF CAMPUS THE BROWN NOSER | C4
At press time, even the fish food company had no idea what was in those flakes.
cluttered email inbox. “Sure, the hours might be long, but the absolute sero tonin rush of financial analytics makes it all worth it. Life in our headquarters is always an adventure, and I’m really glad I get to share so many photos of my computer keyboard.”
Reports indicate that today’s New Yorker cartoon is utterly incomprehen sible. “Am I the problem?” asked New Yorker peruser Sandy Adams as she stared blankly at the cartoon couple
Travelers at Boston Logan’s Terminal E this morning have reported that a bird was way too far inside of the airport ever to find its way out of there. “It was a fun surprise to see that bird flying around near
“They might be cartoons, but these characters have rich inner lives and com plex feelings towards one another, which shift in surprising and poignant ways over the course of the season,” wrote Vulture critic Mallory Esken in her review of
Adult Animated Show SensitiveCombinesPortrayals Of Relationships, Character Who Looks Like Penis
said Walton, whose BeReal photos are taken exclusively in his 4 x 4 cubicle and mostly feature his computer monitor.
BY AIDAN BERMAN
At press time, Walton was seen dis closing classified company information left open on his computer screen with his host of friends on BeReal.
Chop Shop tackles thorny issues like emotional dependence, generational gaps, and the limitations of the nuclear family,” Esken continued, noting a moving subplot in which the protagonist’s mother is diag nosed with Alzheimer’s. “And then you have Jeremy walking around, making jokes about the fact that he’s a penis. Sometimes
standing in a small but ambiguous room above the caption “Good thing I didn’t eat the salad!” “There’s no salad in sight! Where is the salad?” At press time, the New York Times crossword clue was com plete gibberish.
“Turbo, Jinx, and the other dogs wouldn’t go near Elizabeth. It’s like they could smell that there was something wrong with her,” said Flora Wills, fre quent dog park goer, staring soberly into Elizabeth’s pensive, crusty eyes. “She didn’t even try to socialize with the other
BY GILDED CAGE
Bird Way Too Deep In Airport To Ever Escape
dogs, she just stood melancholically and locked her sorrowful gaze on me and the other
UnintelligibleCompletelyCartoon
Get me out of here!
Look at her go! HowElizabethDogReport:NamedKnowsYouDie
New Yorker
Esken also lauded the show for the episode in which a couple goes to a mar riage counselor, who is a seagull voiced by Jon Hamm.
BY UNCULTURED SWINE
BY SMALL MOUTH
“Itowners."waslike she knew something about me that even I didn’t know,” added Wills as she explained that Elizabeth is clearly bur dened by knowledge far beyond human understanding. “Poor thing looks like she has never known joy.”
Within the business world, the wide spread social media app BeReal highlights the thrilling lifestyle of corporate grunt Cody“TheWalton.premise of the app is pretty cool—you never know what you’ll be up to when the BeReal notification goes off,”
he has his own little musical numbers. It can be confusing to watch him talk to characters who look like normal people —especially when you get introduced to his family, none of whom are penisshaped—but by the end of the season you get pretty used to it.”
BeReal Highlights Thrilling Lifestyle Of Corporate Sellout
Her sister can talk to your ancestors.
At press time, Elizabeth refused to chew on a bone left by another dog and instead stared at it as though pondering the body to which it once belonged.
Dog park visitors were alarmed this weekend after meeting a dog named Elizabeth who is cursed with the knowl edge of how you die.
Chop Shop, an adult animated show that recently debuted on Hulu, is garner ing praise for its combination of sensitive depictions of relationships and a character who looks like a penis.
the dramedy, which centers on a familyowned barbershop in Pittsburgh. “There’s also a character named Jeremy whose body is shaped like a penis, who kind of just shows up sometimes. He’s supposed to be someone’s estranged husband, I think.”
while the bird is trapped inside, I’m about to fly to Florida.” At press time, Hough was not able to stop thinking about the bird.
my gate, but I got sad when I realized that it was probably gonna die in here,” said Newton resident Marc Hough, consider ing how the bird must spend its days fly ing from terminal to terminal, eating food court crumbs from the garbage. “I mean I can barely find my way to the exit, and I can read. I guess the greatest irony is, that
Want to write for The Brown Noser? Email us at thebrownnoser@gmail.com to ask for an application!
C5 | THE BROWN NOSER OFF CAMPUS SEPTEMBER 2022
BY FREAK
“Some days, the app even captures me engaged in small talk with my department coworkers.”“Without the app, I wouldn’t be able to share all the riveting ins and outs of my gray, windowless office with my network of friends,” continued Walton, inhaling his tuna salad sandwich and returning to his
Jerold Wilt ‘22.5, Cuts Own Bangs
Tracy Wegg ‘25, Daring To Dream Con centator
“Thank you to all the brave TikTokthisjournalistsfreshmanwhomilkedsituationforlikes.”
“You’d think a school with such a weather.”beendowmentlargewouldabletocontrolthe
“The ecosystemsmarinethat exist in the basements of Brown knownperplexingsomeinfrastructureUniversitycontainofthemostspeciestohumankind.”
“On the upside, this is probably the cleanest the carpeting in the Keeney hallway has been in decades.”
“I bet the water flooding the Keeney basement tastes better than what comes out of the bathroom tap.”
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“I wish they had delayed convocation another week so I could have gotten the chance to sit next to people I actually like.”
“I haven’t seen that many eighteen year olds standing in ankle-deep water since Normandy.”
Paulie Paucket ‘22, Cranston Studies
Magenta Shump ‘23.5, Roofer Appreciation Club us on @thebrownnoserInstagram!
SEPTEMBER 2022 OPINION THE BROWN NOSER | D1
Ramona Germ ‘23, IKEA Assembly Studies
Jennifer Prayer ‘24, Scarecrow Club Vice President
“Glug glug glargle blargle.”
Elizabeth Coated ‘25, Cloud Matter Concen trator
“God told me to save the pitiful dorm pests from the floodwaters. So I found two rats, two cockroaches, two spiders, and two deer and put them on a little ark.”
Lilith Yodel, tratorPrivateInternational‘24AndAffairsConcen
Gilbert Johnson ‘26, Intramural Cornhole
BRUNONIANVOICES
Hector Caliper ‘42, LiteratureComputational
“For just a moment, I felt like I was in Venice.”
Bennette Trogstein ‘26, Printer Repair Concen trator
Earlier this month, Brown was impacted by copious amounts of rainfall. This led to significant flooding of several freshman dorms. What do you think?
Cornelius Narck ‘26, Arch Support Club
“Now I feel like I can just pee anywhere.”
“I knew I should never have listened to all the people who told me to keep my birth certificate loose on the floor.”
HA!Awe
What’s Your Interest Rate In Taking A Ride On My Boat, Baby?
You–yeah you! What’s your interest rate in hopping on my boat, baby? The market goes up, the market goes down.
Public Crucifixion
all that shit with the housing bubble went down back in ‘08, we dropped 1.5 trilly,
Again, I’m super sad that I won’t be able to make it because I’ll be nailed to a crucifix, restoring humanity’s relationship with the Lord God Almighty, but I’m sure it’ll still be a Good Friday!
know this sounds a little crazy. But the hallmark of a Brown education is the Open Cur riculum: the freedom to try new things, discover ourselves, and go outside of our comfort zones. See, I think we would be
each other. And I just want you to know, babe, that if your 3 AM booty call doesn’t work out, you can always come over to my dorm — assuming, of course, that I’m not with someone else for the night.
Croissants at the Blue Room? Hah! This is, how you say, to-tal gar-bahj! They are nothing like ze ones in Paree hon
you can eat as many as you like without putting on weight. All of the croissants in the Blue Room are mass-produced. And you Américans wonder why you are all so fat…
kinda flaky lately, but I guess they could come
ship me. What? Whaddya mean why? Do you see this boat? You gotta see what
not billy, 1.5 trilly on mortgage-backed securities. That’s me, J-Wavy, your tril lion-dollar guy. And we did all that in six weeks. It took longer for the boat guys to install the water bed into the tiger suite,
floaties! Ha! Bet you thought I was just President-Of-The Federal-Reserve
Blue Room Croissonts Are Nothing Like Ze Ones In Paree Hon Hon Hon
Just like this sick 32-footer in the Ibizan waves. Come on–don’t be shy.
tomorrowAnyway,morning.)I’msuper
Back when I was Board Chair of the Nature Conservancy, they used to wor
BY TAD JOHNSON, '26
go the entire semester without at least one more sloppy dance-floor make-out with a boy whose name you don’t even know?
Feel free to enjoy whatever amateur attempt at a pastry the Blue Room will of fer you. Oweverair, you should know that the slop that you consume is not worthy of the rich tradition founded in French bou langeries.Vivela France et vive Monsieur le croissant!
know that I usually turn water into wine for you guys, but you should be able to use your fake ID to score some cheap beer in the area. (Don’t worry, my Dad will let it slide. Just throw down some Our Fathers
BY RECENTLY RETURNED STUDY ABROAD STUDENT
BY FEDERAL JEROMEPRESIDENTRESERVEPOWELL
There’s plenty of Lime-A-Rita, and my buddy Jeff got the complete works of AC/DC pre-downladed on the speaker system.
bummed that I’ll have to miss out on all the fun so that I can bear the penalty for humanity’s sins, but
So whaddya say, babe? Let’s give this whole open relationship thing a good ol’ college try. Why don't we have a little fun this year and then by the end of our sopho more year we can settle down? That’s when we have to declare concentrations, anyways.
Hey guys! Thanks so much for inviting me to your little party tonight! It was so sweet of you to think of me, Jesus Christ, the only begotten son of God, when you were planning this thing, and I super appreciate you reaching out.Unfortunately, I have to atone for all of humanity’s sins tonight by shedding my blood on the cross and dying in an ex tremely painful and public execution, so I don’t think I’ll be able to stop by your little
Since I’m the only Redeemer — the only Lamb of God, the only Mes siah, you get it — I really can’t take a night off to play beer pong in a crowded basement.
Babe, I think we should talk. You know, these last few months have been some of the best of my life. I’ve enjoyed our nightly FaceTime calls, our weekend trips to the city, and even meeting your parents at that ex tremely awkward dinner at Olive Garden.
That’s true intellectual curiosity.
shindig
Atone For All Of Humanity’s Sins
Yes, I was born in ze Bay Area and I spent my childhood there, but my true home is in France. Zerefore, I must defend the food of my motherland against dis graceful attempts at copies.
I’mtoo.going to be holed up for the next three days, but once my body and soul have ascended, and I’m seated at the right hand of God on his divine throne, I can to tally pop back down from Heaven to hang, as long as it’s not on the cross again. Just shoot me a text or prayer whenever you’re free!Okay, you guys have fun tonight!
BY JESUS CHRIST, THE ONLY BEGOTTEN SON OF GOD
foolish to not take advantage of all the University’s resources with an open rela tionship — I mean, practically the entire school is on Tinder. Do you really want to
no, don’t do that. Don’t, don’t g–. Alright fine. That’s what they think of me. Jerome, Jerome, Jerome; the suit control ling the entirety of the US dollar. Never just a sick guy down for some fun times on the waves. Ahh wait—here’s another. Hey baby, how about reserving a spot on this federal flotation device?
We are so perfect together –– but I think as we start this next semester together as a couple, we should seriously consider an open relationship, just like our amazing curriculum here at Brown.I
But I Actually Have
Our Curriculum Is Open, So Why Can’t Our Relationship Be?
honBackhon. in beautiful Paree, Alpine goat butter was baked into the dough, creating flaky perfection. Mon Dieu! All the ingre dients were, how you say, na-chu-raal, so
Back in beautiful Paree, Alpine goat butter was baked into the dough.
There’s plenty of Lime-A-Rita, and my buddy Jeff got the complete works of
That's true intellectual curiosity. The beauty of the Open Curriculum is that even if you know your preferred area of study, you can still experiment with new classes and de partments during shopping period.
I Really Wish I Could Come To Your Little Party Tonight To Via
Wait, wait, wait!–hear me out. You heard of this thing I do at work sometimes called quantitative easing theory? When
And in my opinion, the same goes for a relationship where we also see other people. Because, aside from whatever random hookups we may “shop” over the course of the semester, we will always have
I mean now. Nothing but good times and Bud-Light limes on the boat, baby.
I tried rescheduling with Pontius, but he’s just such a stickler when it comes to executing public threats to the temple, so I really won’t be able to make it tonight. I
happened and ever will happen. Since I’m the only Redeemer — the only Lamb of God, the only Messiah, youget it — I really can’t take a night off to play beer pong in a crowded basement.
D2 | THE BROWN NOSER OPINION SEPTEMBER 2022
:( I really wish that I could make it, but there are just so many sins that I have to atone for. It’s not like some of the sins, you know? It’s like all of the sins that ever
Wet-Blanket Jerome. You’ve never met ‘J-Wavy.’ He lives on 4 Lokos, good vibes, and prints money for the hell of it.
AC/DC pre-downloaded into the speaker system.Awwweee–don’t be like that. Of course I’m also worried about inflation. The inflation of inflatable hot dog-shaped
that’s just the way it goes sometimes. Even though I can’t make it tonight, I’d still love to hang out with you guys soon. We could also invite Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John if you’re down. Judas and Peter have been
At press time grandma couldn’t figure
Rocknell! You won’t believe the summer I had. It turns out, the dump gets very, very smelly in the heat, so after a month trapped under a barrel of rotting tomatoes, I chewed my way out. I said good bye to my trash family; it was heartbreaking. When I finally managed to make my way back to the road, I was picked up by a long haul trucker! We drove across Kansas together, and I got my own truss belt! Somewhere in the Great Plains, I found a stuffed elephant and named her Samantha. She’s on the front of the truck now. She’s my best friend. Anywhos, the trucker is letting me blow the horn, so I gotta dash. Talk to you later, bubba!
BY CONVENIENT TRUTH
BY TRUE LOVE
Next up is the Minecraft parkour.
According to media watchdogs, Net flix’s new nature documentary “Our Blue Marvel,” has a clear bias in favor of coral reefs.“For a show to claim that it’s nonfic tion, it should be held to certain standards of impartiality,” wrote media journalist Raquel Norman for her organization, Fair ness in Communication. “When the docu mentary’s narrator says things like ‘we need to work to save these wonders of the sea from disastrous industrial pollution,’ the show loses all credibility. Why do the reefs get to be called ‘wonders’ but indus try gets called ‘disastrous?’ Do they really expect us not to notice the tricks they’re playingNormanhere?”and her peers also called out the show’s use of swelling orchestral music and bright lighting to accompany shots of healthy reefs, while switching to somber music and grey color grading for dead patches of ocean covered in plastic. Norman notes that these techniques are
SEPTEMBER 2022 SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY THE BROWN NOSER | E1 CoralHasDocumentaryNatureClearPro-ReefBias
BY ROCKNELL BEED
After years of steady cognitive de cline, 89 year-old John Bleat officially no longer passes the Turing Test.
out which squares in the grid had a stop sign in them.
news but also non-world. I don’t remem ber his name. Maybe Adam.”
me feel the way you do. You’re beautiful, and I know that because I’ve been star ing at your frozen video for the past three minutes waiting for the call to stop lag ging,” said Fellini as he tried disconnecting and reconnecting his wifi for the fourth time that night. “Renee, please, tell me that you feel the same way. Wait, what did you say? I think you cut out and I missed
“I began when I awoke, completed a variety of tasks and ate three meals as I do every day” said Bleat when asked by his grandson how his day had been, his response failing to give any indication that he has more natural communica tion skills than a computer program. “The meals included bread, dairy prod ucts,“Todayproteins.”Iwas sad because I learned of a personal tragedy that had befallen me,” Bleat said when asked how he was doing, demonstrating an emotional in telligence level similar to that of a web kinz. “After crying for a normal amount of time I felt better and moved on with my “Playday.” the news with that anchor I like. The charming one with the glasses who does the news,” Bleat said when asked whether he wanted to watch the news, suggesting his memory process ing capacity is roughly that of a Club Penguin puffle. “He often reports world
Long Distance Couple Enjoying PoorDiscussionTenderAboutWifi
At press time, the narrator was tell ing the story of her father abandoning her family over footage of her making homemade pasta.
just one subtle way that the documentary makes viewers believe that one of these two scenes is inherently better than the other.“It’s
Horrified sources scrolling through Tik Tok report that a quaint baking video has been overlaid with the story of a harrowing attempted“Whenmurder.mymom was a teenager, she was lunching with a friend when she no ticed a strange man staring at them,” the narrator said as she browned butter until it was golden and nutty. “But by the time they decided to leave the restaurant, it was too late.”“The man followed them in his car until they reached a stop sign,” the narrator con tinued as she folded in the dry ingredients.
In response to mounting pressure, Netflix now precedes the documentary with a title card acknowledging the bias and has pledged to donate half of the show’s proceeds to oil companies.
Quaint Baking TikTok Overlaid With Story Of AttemptedHarrowing Murder
it. Anyway, I’m going to assume you feel the same way.” At press time, Chung and Fellini were eagerly awaiting their next visit, which Renee will book as soon as she restarts her router.
No, you hang up first! No, you! Ok, bye.
BY THE ALGORITHM
Report: Grandpa No Longer Passes The Turing Test
Sources report that couple Renee Chung and Anthony Fellini are enjoy ing a wonderful discussion about their aspirations, their love for one another, and their terrible wifi. “No one makes
“He then abandoned his car, jumped into my mother’s car, and told her to drive while threatening them both with a gun.”“My mom recognized him as her high school English teacher, and identi fied him immediately,” the narrator re vealed as she whacked the baking sheet against the counter to get a chewier consistency. “He panicked and shot my mom and her friend before running out of the vehicle, but not before a strange old woman arrived on the scene. Follow for part two.”
important that we all stay vigilant to form our own opinions and not get swayed by what we see on TV or read online,” continued Norman in her article which went viral last week. “Yes, coral reefs can be pretty, but it’s important to highlight the other side of the story. Many hardworking men and women toil tirelessly day in and day out to destroy the coral reefs, but we don’t see them getting their own multimillion-dollar TV shows to defend themselves.”