The Brown Noser, April 2023

THE BROWN NOSER

Dean Zia Races To Crochet New Crop Top For Spring Weekend

BY KATE VAN RIPER

Sources close to Dean of the College Rashid Zia report that he is avidly crocheting a new crop top in time for its big debut at Spring Weekend.

“When I found out that girl Alexa was charging $85 on Depop for custom crochet shirts, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands,” stated Dean Zia, furiously weaving his crochet needle in and out of a multicolored aquamarine-violet halter top. “I marched myself down to Jo-Ann’s and got to work.”

“I might add a little ruffle, or maybe some lace trim down here at the bottom,” added Zia, painfully aware that his beginner crochet skills would make these stylish additions a formidable challenge. “Goddammit, Rashid, you’re just too ambitious.”

“Hmm, this part of the neckline is looking a little lopsided, but I think everyone will be too busy singing along to Remi Wolf to notice,” said Zia, hoping that his cute new top would be universally well received amongst the student body. “Just 17 more rows until I’m done, and then I’ll be

Nice try, Rashid. We know that's knitting.

ready to groove!”

At press time, Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy Russell Carey

was preparing for Spring Weekend by frantically trying on all of the funky pants he had panic-ordered from Revolve.

Upcoming Student Theater Production To Take Place Inside Vacant Bathroom Stall

BY SAM COLT-SIMONDS

rown’s Musical Forum has just announced their new production of Sondheim’s “West Side Story” will take place inside a vacant bathroom stall in the basement of Sayles Hall.

“So many of the venues that the university has to offer are all way too big,” said Director Angie Bangert. “The moment we saw this venue, we knew it was perfect. We weren’t able to reserve the rest of the bathroom, but we think that actually adds to the intimacy of the experience. It was designed to make you ask, ‘how could this

possibly be worth producing?’ It’s a little unconventional, but we think our audience member is really going to love it.”

“Ultimately, we just were not willing to prioritize venue capacity over the show’s needs,” continued Bangert. “The show’s emphasis on these characters’ duty just feels so natural in there. We feel terrible for anyone who wasn’t able to get the only ticket to see the show, but we encourage any big fans to come early and try and reserve a spot in one of the neighboring stalls.”

At press time, Brown Concert Agency has announced that this semester’s Spring Weekend ticket will soon become available at the bottom of a pool of snakes.

Report: Aunt Makes Jewelry Now

BY ANNIE CIMACK

After calling her sister, your mom has informed you that Aunt Rose makes jewelry now.

“Some of her pieces are really… unique,” stated your mom after Aunt Rose described the beaded labia pendants she was working on. “It’s a lot of copper wire, amethyst, and rope. You should ask her for some pictures.”

“It’s kind of the perfect hobby for Aunt Rose because she was finally able to find a use for all the crystals she has,” claimed Mom as she browsed your Aunt’s Insta-

gram page, which is mostly pictures of incredibly heavy jewelry, herbal tea, and infographics on sound cleansing. “Plus, she got to leverage that macrame skill she developed when she made all of those hanging planters.”

At press time, the family was mostly relieved that Aunt Rose had abandoned her old hobby of painting those scary, realistic baby dolls.

BDH Poll Worker Begs For Your Participation Like An 18th Century Orphan Begs A Baker For Bread

Newest Brown University Club Full Of Students Rejected From More Desirable, Established Club

Senior Considering Fifth Year Maste–Nevermind, Brown Offers No Financial Aid

Girl Has Secret Crush On All Suitemates Except Jeff

Cocaine Bear Not Even Snorting That Much, Just Once In A While, It’s Really Not A Big Deal Babe

OPINION

Guy Running Marathon Instead Of Going To Therapy

The toilet paper is to wipe his tears.

THE BROWN NOSER

Editors

Annie Cimack

Sam Colt-Simonds

Yasmeen Gaber

Caroline O'Daly

Kate Van Riper

Senior Staff Writers

Aidan Berman

Dana Herrnstadt

Declan Johnson

Jordan De Padova

Stephanie Stiles

Allison Stein

Ariel Stein

Staff Writers

Ryan Adell

Kennedy Compton

Grace Freeman

Olivia Golubowski

Nathan Haronian

Jane Hwang

Spencer Knerr

Henry Lew

Rhys Long

Evan McHenry

Clark Oh-Willeke

Nico Pereira-Arias

Lily Starrs

Sam Walhout

Damian Wasilewicz

Copy Editor

Evangeline Bilger

Photo Staff

Warren Diggles, Photo-Boy

Allison, Jane, and Nico, Social-Boys

Webmaster

Jackson Owens

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ADOCH Luring Students Into Paying For $300,000 Education With Drawstring Backpack And Baja’s Coupon

BY CAROLINE O'DALY

According to local sources, Brown University’s “A Day On College Hill” is luring prospective students into paying $300,000 for an undergraduate education by giving them a free drawstring backpack and coupon for half off any taco at Baja’s Tex Mex Taqueria.

“We’re so excited to welcome students to the Brown community by giving them some free swag and a little taste of the local cuisine," said ADOCH student coordinator Linda Connelly, planning an event literally intended to trick high schoolers into paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for four years of classes that they’ll mostly skip. “These kids should know how much we value them—and their money—so we pulled out all of the stops this year.”

In total, the drawstring backpack and coupon to lower Baja’s are worth about $6, despite students potentially paying $300,000 over the course of four

years, or the rest of their life, for attending Brown.

“These polyester bags and discounted tacos will show prospective students that there is truly no better place than Brown," added Connelly, packing coupons into the

already-disintegrating drawstring backpacks. "Even more importantly, there is no better place to drop over a quarter-milliondollars than Brown.”

At press time, the University Office for Advancement was tempting alumni into

Entrepreneurship Student Eager To Graduate And Entreprune

BY NICO PEREIRA-ARIAS

Sources from a senior send-off event organized by the Nelson Center for Entrepreneurship report that student Brandon Jackson is eager to finally graduate and entreprune. “It really is an exciting time to go out into the real world and entreprune,” stated Jackson as he entrepruned with investors for the eco-conscious venture-backed high-tech start-up he hopes to launch before the summer. “I remember when I first was learning to entreprune I was a bit hesitant about where my start-up fit in the ever-changing business world. Now, I have a clearer picture of how to deal with competitors and entrepruning in general.” At press time, an engaged scholarship student was itching to scholar engagedly.

He just came out of an incubator, and now he's headed to a think tank.

making hefty donations by mailing them cute cardstock calendars of Brown’s scenic campus and nifty ballpoint pens.

Local Farmer Still Not Really Sure How Big

BY SPENCER KNERR

New research suggests that local farmer, Pat Gershon, still isn’t really sure how big an acre is.

“My family’s been farming on this Rhode Island land for five generations, and we still use the same measurements,” Gershon said, surveying his fields without any real comprehension of the units of distance which comprise them. “I always used to ask my Grandpappy Gershon how big an acre was. But he just never did tell me.”

According to sources, Gershon’s tractor measured speed in miles per hour, not acres per hour, which made it difficult to understand how many acres he traveled as he plowed his fields.

“I mean, an acre really could be anywhere between a square yard and a square mile,” Gershon continued, envious of how most people use common units like square feet or meters to measure twodimensional distance. “I feel like an acre could maybe fit 50 rows of corn. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually 100.”

At press time, a local sailor didn’t really know how fast a knot was.

Friend Making That’s What She Said Joke Clearly Has No Idea How Sex Works

BY YASMEEN GABER

According to sources, sophomore Jill Waters’ friend Matt Gleeson has been making “that’s what she said" jokes even though Gleeson clearly has no idea how sex works.

“For my art project, I said ‘I need to make more holes,’ and Matt just started giggling and said ‘that’s what she said,’”

Waters recounted, confused at that joke’s premise. “How could that possibly be what ‘she said?’”

“It was kind of disturbing that he thought anyone would say that in a sexual context,” said Waters, wishing her friend would just come out and say that he didn’t know how sex worked. “I honestly hope that he hasn’t had sex and is just kind of clueless, otherwise this would be pretty alarming.”

“Another time, all I said was ‘you should shuffle the cards,’” said Waters, puzzled by how her friend could have found sexual innuendo in this comment.

“I’m starting to wonder if he’s even had the sex talk.”

At press time, Jill’s other friend who was making Game of Thrones references had clearly never seen the show.

Single Junior With Laptop Taking Up Table Big Enough For Last Supper

BY GRACE FREEMAN

In a harrowing scene from The Ratty this weekend, a group of 10 freshmen falsely believed they had found a table, only to realize that one Junior was already sitting at the 14-seater, rendering it completely unusable.

“She really has a whole set up going there,” said freshman Paul Michaelson of Tess Palmer. “She had a table big enough for Jesus and his twelve apostles. Except in this case it was just her, her coffee, her banana, her laptop.”

“We sort of wanted to ask her to move, but as we got closer, this really strong light just hit her out of nowhere”, Michaelson reported of the holy Biblical light which shone upon Palmer as she scrolled through Depop at her king-size table. “The table

was huge though, like 13 holy men could have easily sat on one side of it together, completely unaware that one was about to betray another with a kiss. Hypothetically

speaking, of course”. At press time, the ceiling of the ArchBron basement was leaking for forty days and forty nights.

Page-Robinson Entrance Warm Mirage Masking Coldness Within And Without

BY ARIEL STEIN

Reports indicate that Page-Robinson Hall’s entrance is but a cozy mirage masking the coldness within and without.

“It was like 20˚F outside, and I was looking for somewhere to work,” recalled sophomore Anya Nussbaum, shivering at the memory of her desperate search for respite from the elements. “That’s when I saw Page-Robinson. I entered the first set of doors, and it was like I was back in bed, wrapped cozily in my blankets.”

“Of course, then I walked through the second set of doors and into the actual building,” recalled Nussbaum, putting on her scarf and gloves as she waited in the mailroom line. “And suddenly I felt like I was back in the cold, uncertain world.”

At press time, Nussbaum found herself caught in the SciLi steps’ wind tunnel.

SV Financial Records Indicate 87% Of Profits Just People Who Preemptively Buy Tickets And Don’t Show Up

BY AIDAN BERMAN

A recent analysis of SV’s financial records has indicated that 87% of profits derive from people who preemptively buy tickets and don’t show up.

“I’m not surprised in the slightest,” said partygoer Piper Webb, in light of the recent disclosure. “These campus influencers are always promoting these events months in advance, when they seem like a good idea in theory. They hook you in with a 15% discount code and everyone begins going feral, saying SV Beach Bash is going to be a true night to remember. Next thing you know, the night of the party rolls around and peo-

ple are dropping like flies – for Lantern, for Crew, you know. And there go our $17 VIP tickets, down the drain.”

“You would have thought I would’ve learned my lesson by now,” continued Webb, who has purchased tickets for the past six SV parties and attended genuinely none of them. “But I haven’t. Just can’t seem to get myself to Fete Lounge like I used to. Some people might consider it a waste of money, but I like to think of it as my charity contribution. We really gotta support small businesses, you know. Not everyone is having large victories…”

At press time, attendance records for a recent departmental lecture revealed that 77% of students who told their professors they would attend were straight-up lying.

Report: Shit, Construction

On THIS Side Of Thayer Too?!

BY BAJA'S THREE?

Walking through a sea of hard hats and backhoes on her way to class, sophomore Amy Bainbridge was surprised to find that shit, there’s construction on THIS side of Thayer Street too.

“I pass by the Thayer construction every day on my walk to class, and I have to cross the street to walk on the other sidewalk,” Bainbridge explained, noting the large metal barriers now blocking both sides of the sidewalk. “What am I

supposed to do now? Walk in the middle of the road?”

“It’s unclear what they’re even building, but I guess they’re doing it on both sides of the street now,” Bainbridge continued, watching a passing car nearly hit a pedestrian using the Thayer shoulder as a makeshift walkway. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the construction blocks off the whole street. Maybe I’ll just start taking Brook.”

At press time, Bainbridge was shocked to discover that shit, the other two SciLi elevators were broken too.

Shoutout king Ben. He actually knows a LOT about sex, we asked.

She just turned water into orange guava passion juice.

A little taste of Cancun on the way to the mailroom.

24-Hour Play

Weirdly Similar To Regular Production Of Hamlet

BY ROSENSTERN & GUILDENCRANTZ

In a strange turn of events, last Saturday’s much anticipated 24 hour play was reportedly nearly identical in plot, script, to one of the bard’s most famous plays.

“At first I was super excited to see a play created and put on in 24 hours, it seems like such a sick idea. They started with some ghost under the stage thing, which was cool,” said sophomore Jared Lenphy, “but then the main character, who I’m

pretty sure was named ‘Hamfeld’, started yelling at his mom for marrying his uncle, and that’s when it all fell into place.”

“It was basically just Hamlet note for note,” Lenphy reported. “Hamfeld’s vengeful bloodlust for his uncle/stepfather leads to the deaths of nearly every character, including the drowning of Hamfeld’s dearly beloved ‘Opheliana’? I mean come on. Hamfeld did a soliloquy. I’m pretty sure he even said Yorick. It’s almost more impressive that they put on Hamlet from memory, to be honest.”

At press time, a student band played an original song that sounded eerily identical to “Someday” by The Strokes.

Senior On Full Meal Plan Either Really Freakin’ Cool Or Really Freakin’ Weird

Student At Career Fair Choosing Between Working For Teach For America And Missile Factory

On the full meal plan entirely by choice, senior Michael Hay is either really freakin’ cool or really freakin’ weird.

BY DAMIAN WASILEWICZ BY GOURMAND BY LONGSTON HUGE

A recent career fair became the site of a crisis for senior Annemarie Brent, who was choosing between applying for positions at Teach For America and the local

missile factory. “I’m really torn between my two greatest passions,” reported Brent, an Education and Missile Advancement double concentrator. “On the one hand, I can see myself helping third graders learn about nouns and verbs in Milwaukee on a $15k stipend, but who can put a price on educational reform? On the other hand

I could be in a NYC penthouse for $170k making things go boom and honestly, do our children really need to know about verbs?” At press time Brent had decided to broaden her career horizons and was seen choosing between a center advocating for the rights of undocumented mothers, and Shell Oil.

“I’m not totally sure why Michael is willingly on the same meal plan that the University forces onto first-years,” said sophomore Nathaniel Kane, pondering why Hay would pay $6,472 per semester for dining hall food when absolutely no one is making him do that. “I can’t tell if Michael is super cool and that’s why he eats every meal at the Ratty or if he’s super weird and that’s why he eats every meal at the Ratty.”

Despite residing in an off-campus

house with a full kitchen and living near several affordable restaurants, Hay still opted to spend his senior year eating at Brown University dining halls for every single meal.

“It could be that Michael is so confident, friendly, and charismatic that he truly thrives in the dining hall environment,” added Kane, wondering how Hay even manages to use 20 meal swipes a week. “Or he’s just some kind of socially awkward sicko who actually likes eating chipotle chicken and Lucky Charms in the same sitting multiple times a week.”

At press time, the first-year who had been to the CareerLAB was either endearingly curious about her future or the most annoying try-hard ever.

Girl That Literally Took 12 APs In High School Now Concentrating In “Cum Poetics”

Following a rigorous high school career that involved taking 12 AP courses, junior Madeline Smith now concentrates in “Cum Poetics.”

“It has been incredibly rewarding, as both a scholar and a person, to explore the intersection between cum and poetics,” said Smith, who slept for five hours every night in high school so she would have good enough grades to get into this school. “At Brown, I analyze the con-

ceptual paradigm known as seminal fluid through the multi-faceted lens of free verse dramatic poetry, focusing specifically on jizz enjambment and the semantics of spunk.”

After sacrificing her social life, physical health, and mental wellness throughout high school just so she could develop a competitive student profile that would impress the Brown admissions committee, Smith now spends her days writing and reading nonsense words about literal semen.

“Separately, cum and poetics are inter-

esting educational pathways, but, together, they’re the key to engaging in complex contemporary society,” added Smith, leafing through a post-modern anthology on structuralist ejaculation. “I’m confident that studying cum poetics will not only enhance my understanding of both cum and poetics, but it will also enhance my understanding of life.”

At press time, a senior who was literally the president of eight extracurricular organizations at his high school now dedicates most of his time to his pirate-themed a cappella group.

He still steals.

Spring Break Friend Group Blissfully Unaware It Last Time Being On Speaking Terms

BY ALL EXCLUSIVE

Sources report that a local spring break friend group is blissfully unaware that their trip to Cancún will be the last time any of them will want to speak to each other.

“I’m really excited to see what adventures I get up to with my besties,” reported junior Kayla Griffin, who had no clue about the arguments awaiting her and that rat bastard Emily. “I can’t wait to get sloppy drunk and see all the positive emotions we harbor towards each other on full

display.”

“It’s true that some of us have had a bit of history,” said that rat bastard Emily Sinclair, whose spring break group includes her boyfriend, ex-situationship, and exsituationship’s current situationship. “But I think that spending every moment of every day in a resort together will only bring us closer. Plus, we’re splitting two beds for six people, so we’ll be saving a fortune, too!”

At press time, the group was making plans to all move in together a year from now.

BY DANA HERRNSTADT

The College Hill Independent will reportedly publish a groundbreaking article about the withered oak tree that reminds me of my childhood.

“We at the Indy value investigative journalism steeped in issues of social justice,” said Indy editor Leah Vineau, etching a leaf-like shape into a piece of cardboard. “That’s why, in our next issue, we’re

going to print a revolutionary piece on the oak tree in front of a Long Island childhood home, and, specifically, how the scratched bark contains the faint aroma of youthful sweetness and lost love.”

In their effort to amplify the voices of Providence community members, Indy staff members are committed to fighting for journalistic integrity through publishing a two-page spread on the gnarled roots that have become moss-covered since I left, since I placed myself in a different city

and forgot the sound of the wind sweeping through the oak’s highest branches.

“We want to expand our reach beyond Brown’s campus. I have no doubt that this is possible given the diligence of our reporting and the hard-hitting topics we choose to explore,” Vineau said, approving a crayon drawing of a tree stump for the issue that will trace the dissipation of my innocence through the aging of an oak. “For example, the wistfulness one used to feel when watching birds’ nests in the

place where trunk meets branch, and the hope that filled one’s chest when realizing that the seasons were beginning to change. But, also, the anxiety that stirred in one’s gut when realizing that, like the seasons, everything is finite.”

“We may be students, but we are first and foremost journalists. Our paper has the power to impact those around us, especially when we print stories about how a third grade best friend named Rebecca used to climb up, up, up, into the oak’s

branches each day after school, her nineyear-old body lithe and nimble, laughing and free. We at the Indy write about the things that matter, like how one would watch the oak leaves change color, year after year, making one consider again and again the fleetingness of those things we call years.”

At press time, the Brown Political Review was planning on publishing an enthralling analysis of New Jersey’s 20th century excise tax policy.

Indy To Publish Groundbreaking Piece On Withered Oak Tree That Reminds Me Of My Childhood Protestor Just Looking For Excuse To Show Off Sick Poster Making Skills

Upon Sixth Proofread Of Email, Student Realizes They Accidentally Spelled Every Single Word Wrong

BY DIY-VEST

Seemingly gathered on the Main Green to rally against Brown’s investment in fossil fuel extraction companies, local student activist Annika Rao is actually protesting to flaunt their poster making

prowess. “I’m here because it is absolutely deplorable that Brown has not yet dissociated from the fossil fuel industry,” said Rao, secretly hoping that someone would compliment the perfectly spaced bubble letters on her homemade matte poster. “As you can see from my color-coordinated, glitter-accentuated papier mâché sign, I

want a fossil free Brown now!” At press time, a student activist leading a rally against Brown’s use of live pigs in medical training practices really just wanted to show off his talents as a public speaker.

BY GRAMMARLY

Reports suggest local student John Ford read through his drafted email at least six times before realizing he had not spelled a single word correctly. “I don’t even understand how I could have written that,” said Ford, wiping a comically large bead of sweat from his brow.

“I mean the message made no sense.

Somehow I wrote a whole sentence with no spaces in it. A big chunk in the middle was just repeating e’s. At the end I signed off with the name Gregor Von Shwaustenberg. That’s not my name. That’s never been my name. Thank god I read it one extra time, otherwise I would have missed a ton of errors.” At press time, Ford put his essay into Grammarly only to find he had written it in upside down French.

The tans will fade, but the festering animosity will last a lifetime.

The glitter glue is compostable.

Aulw@yz dubbl ch3k you're werk.

Student Eats Dinner With Friend Group Thirty Minutes After He Ate Lunch To Avoid Eating Alone

Grad Center Razed Due To Weird Bug There

BY ALLISON STEIN

Last Tuesday, Brown University administration was forced to raze the entire Grad Center complex after the discovery of a weird bug there. Immediately following students’ reports of the gross insect, the administration declared that the five Grad Center buildings were a life-threatening hazard, and the complex was destroyed via controlled implosion the next day.

“We apologize to the Grad Center residents who are being displaced, but at the end of the day, we had no choice in the matter,” stated university representative Greg Forsyth, ordering a colleague

to inspect the wreckage where the towers once stood for any potential bug survivors. “A prestigious Ivy League institution like Brown University could not in good conscience let Grad Center continue to stand while such a wacky, disgusting bug was there.”

“First and foremost, it is our solemn duty to keep our students safe in their residence halls,” continued Forsyth, shuddering at the thought of the nasty bug’s icky legs. “Now that the bug is gone, the Brown community can rest easily once more.” Elsewhere on campus, a construction crew was busy paving over the Main Green after a student found an ugly worm in the grass.

Tonight's entree is friendship with a side of insecurity.

BY JANE HWANG

Reports show that Daniel Park ‘25 is eating dinner with his friend group only thirty minutes after he ate lunch to avoid eating alone.

“Look, total props to people who eat alone, there’s nothing wrong with eating alone,” said Park, knowing full well

he would rather walk into a bonfire than eat alone during the Sharpe Refectory 6:30PM dinner rush. “But personally, meal times are sometimes the only opportunity I have during the day to see my friends and catch up with them. I really value the time I have to see what they were up to today.”

“No, I never eat that much at dinner, ice cream and fries is really all I need,” continued Park, hoping his friends wouldn’t realize that he had already eaten a full din-

ner thirty minutes ago. “I do all my eating at breakfast. Dinner is always a pretty small meal for me. It’s not even healthy to eat that late in the day anyways."

At press time, Park’s packages have been piling up in the mail room because he hasn’t had anyone to go to the mail room with.

Lit Arts Thesis Just 50 Pages Of Describing Own Womb

BY DEVELOPING STORY

Several minutes into senior Kit Lanith’s Literary Arts thesis presentation, it became clear that her compilation of experimental essays was just 50 pages detailing her own womb.

“Kit has been working so hard all semester, and it’s definitely nice to see her bringing her ideas into the world,” Lanith’s

friend Greta Friedman said as Lanith began reciting a series of metaphors comparing her uterus to a cave. “At the same time, I did think there would be, like, a bit more to it than repeating the words ‘child-rearing’ in a slam-poetry-style rhythm for the better part of an hour.”

At one point during the presentation, Lanith reportedly shut off the lights in the room to emulate the darkness of her prenatal chamber before describing the intri-

Senior Glad Summer Break, Existential Crisis Just Around Corner

cacies of her own anatomy.

“What Kit does is so cool,” Friedman said as Lanith began to read another original poem about her personal gynecological information. “But, yeah, I’m sort of wondering what she’s been doing all year if her final portfolio is, like, mostly just reciting synonyms for ‘birth canal.’” At press time, a geology thesis was just three hours of holding up old rocks.

Brown University To End Student Loans, To Start Student Kneecap Breaking

BY PAX A PUNCH

Brown University recently announced the success of their Brown Promise initiative, which will permanently eliminate student loans from financial aid packages, instead replacing loans with student kneecap breaking.

“Since 2017, we’ve fundraised tirelessly to achieve our ultimate goal of eliminating student loans. We are very happy to say that we’ve exceeded our $120 million dollar goal,” stated a university-wide email. “This means that students will no longer have to graduate under the burden of financial debt. Instead of relying on loans to fill the gaps between our $88,948 tuition

and what their family can afford, they can let a university enforcer break their kneecaps in retribution for the debt they owe us.”

The University thanked the generosity of donors for making the Brown Promise successful. Without donor assistance, the University would still be reliant on breaking bank accounts instead of bones.

“This initiative removes a major barrier to entry for our moderate income families,” continued the email. “The cost of providing an Ivy League education is steep, even with a $6.5 billion endowment. Thankfully, each students’ full demonstrated need will be met, as long as they can demonstrate that need through the FAFSA, multiple financial appeals, and are

not international. If not, then students have the option of a lead pipe straight to the knees.”

At press time, the Brown Dining Service left a dead fish on the doorstep of an underclassman who had asked about an exemption from the meal plan.

Advice for freshman: treat yoursef to a little jump every day. You'll thank me later.

BY FREEZE FRAME

After a long semester, senior Melissa Sanchez can’t wait for summer break to arrive, along with an impending existential crisis.

“Finally! I can almost taste it,” stated Sanchez, looking forward to three months of freedom, which could potentially become a lifetime of freedom if she doesn’t find a job soon. “I can’t wait to

get out of the house and really soak up the sun.”

“And, best of all, I’ll finally get to relax a bit,” reflected Sanchez, as she imagined heading to the beach when, really, she should be imagining her career path and life’s ambitions. “It’s been ‘go, go, go’ for so long, but now I get to really focus on me and what I want to do.”

At press time, Sanchez was thinking of maybe moving to Europe because she’ll never have the opportunity to do it again.

Paxson Relieved That Crowds On Main Green Just Celebrating Love Of Weed, Not Protesting Fossil Fuel Investments

BY BURNOUT

After spotting a massive crowd on the Main Green, University President Christina Paxson is incredibly relieved that students are simply celebrating their love of weed and not protesting Brown’s investment in the fossil fuel industry.

“As soon as I saw them outside, I was so sure that these kids were bitching about us enabling the climate crisis again,” said Paxson, peering through a University Hall window to watch hundreds of students congregate on the Main Green. “Thank

God they’re just getting high as fuck.”

“I thought I was going to have to release another dumb statement to keep those Sunrise Movement suckers at bay,” added Paxson, inhaling the aromatic aftermath of the entire Brown community lighting up at the same time in the same place. “Fortunately, they’re just exercising their state-specific right to smoke a shit ton of weed in the middle of campus.”

At press time, Paxson was equally relieved that the excessive drumming and shouting coming from outside was just an Impulse dance performance and not a rally for increasing student worker wages.

Student

Using “Summer” As Verb Definitely Gonna Commit Securities Fraud

Student Gently Serenaded Awake By Heavenly Song Of Roommate’s Fifth Alarm

BY MARIMBA

Sources report that Ashley Robinson ‘26 was gently serenaded awake by the sweet melody of her roommate’s fifth alarm this morning. Each day features a transcendent curation of several different alarm sounds, including exquisite harpsichord music, blaring sirens, and rustic rooster squawks, set from 6:45 to 8:30 AM.

fifteen to thirty minute intervals and graciously lets each melody ring for the full time! So helpful.”

“I find the alarms really meditative,” reported Robinson, whose FitBit has been recording intensely disrupted sleep patterns all semester. “It’s the perfect soundtrack to lay awake in my bed watching the sun come up, while darling Rachel continues to get her beauty sleep.”

At press time, several freshmen were enjoying luxurious vacations to their lounge couch after being sexiled by their roommates at 3 AM.

Rikers

BY RHYS LONG

A recent report suggests that Conrad Houghton, an econ student who uses the word “summer” as a verb, is definitely gonna commit securities fraud.

“My family summers on Nantucket every year,” said Houghton, as he sipped imported Italian espresso from a Goldman Sachs mug. “It’s just so quaint and homey there, and it allows us to get away from the city. Plus our home is right on the water, so it allows easy access to our Sunseeker boat.”

Houghton, whose moral compass is

similar to that of a kleptomaniac child, is frequently seen skipping the sandwich line in the Blue Room and was once banned from Starbucks for taking money out of the tip jar. He is going into investment banking because “there are no rules! It’s just free money!”

“I mean, I didn’t have a chance to summer there for too long this year because of my investment banking internship,” Houghton continued as dollar signs reflected in his eyes. “But I will get to winter at our place in Aspen.”

At press time, Houghton was found diligently taking notes while watching Wolf of Wall Street.

Intimidating Econ Professor Secretly Delicate Flower That Wants To Be Held

BY N. SELL

Sources report that intimidating Econ professor Erik Marks is secretly a delicate flower that wants to be held.

“There’s a lot of grade inflation, so I’m not giving As this semester,” said Marks before settling in at home to watch a Nicholas Sparks movie under a blanket his mother crocheted. “If that sounds too harsh, you can go to some fluff humanities

class.”

“If you don’t have a strong background in upper level multi-variable calculus, don’t even bother taking my class,” Marks said while taking a fresh-baked pie out of the oven and placing it on the windowsill for his true love to find. “Only come to office hours with informed questions. If not, don’t come at all.”

At press time, a soft-spoken English professor was secretly an aspiring MMA fighter.

“It’s so considerate of my dear roomie Rachel to set so many alarms to peacefully ease me into my day,” gushed Robinson, who hasn’t slept in past 9 AM since winter break. “She spaces them out in

“Rachel is so sweet to make sure that I always wake up in time for her 9 AM, even if she doesn’t,” continued Robinson, observing a ringing in her ears which could be either a symptom of sleep deprivation or yet another alarm. “I couldn’t ask for a more pleasant way to start every day.”

Springtime Means Boys Who Wear Shorts In Winter Will Now Start Walking Around Naked Again

BY BIRTHDAY SUIT

With the arrival of spring, it has been predicted that cool guys who like to wear shorts when it’s cold will now start walking around fully naked again. “What? It’s not even cold,” said fully naked sophomore Jack Wilson. “Why would I wear shorts and a shirt and flip flops if it’s not even cold out? That’s wintertime attire. What sense would it make to wear winter clothes in the summer? You wouldn’t see a skier wearing a thong on the slopes, that would be crazy. You’d see them in board shorts and a tank top like a normal person.” At press time, a naked Wilson was seen asking strangers on the green if they’d like to play spike ball with him.

Independent Concentration Boldly Asks What If We Combined One Thing, Another Thing, Maybe Even A Bit Of Third Thing

BY MASTER OF NONE

Campus was abuzz this Monday at the news of sophomore Josh Ayala’s proposed independent concentration which combined one thing, another thing, and hell, why not a third thing too.

“I’ve always had a hard time fitting into any single box,” stated Ayala, actively

adding ‘Multifaceted’ as a skill on their LinkedIn profile. “Brown’s interdisciplinary approach between disciplines allows me to combine my approaches to different disciplines, synergistically combining them at their crossroads in ways a standard concentration couldn’t dream of.”

“Call me crazy, but I’m thinking about adding a fourth thing too,” Ayala reported while scrolling through Brown’s list of con-

Fashionable Kid Just Wearing Clothes From 18th Century

BY BARTHOLOMEW

Sources report that Dylan Abbott, the most fashionable kid at his highschool, is just wearing clothing from the 18th century.

such classic styles so elegantly. He does look a lot like Thomas Jefferson though.”

centrations. “I’m excited to see the opportunities I can unlock with my variety of skills and to explore the real change I can bring about. Some people say when one door closes another one opens, but I say keep them all open!”

At press time, Ayala confirmed reports that they would be interning at McKinsey as a consultant.

Student Taping Up Protest Announcement Poster Feels Like He Martin Luther

BY SCHISM

Taping a sheet of paper outside announcing a protest, junior James Hern feels just like Martin Luther probably did. “Suck on that one, the Pope,” said Hern under his breath as he hung up a fossil fuel protest reminder. “Your reign of Catholic terror has gone on for far too long. I’ve got 95 reasons why you should shut the hell up. Yeah I’m protesting. I guess you could call me some kind of Protestant," whispered Hern as he smiled at passerby and encouraged them to join him in a protest against the University’s investment in fossil fuels. “I like the ring of that. Hey Pope Leo X, I got a confession for you, I think you should kiss my ass. Forgive me father for I have signed a petition for Brown divest from fossil fuel futures.” At press time, Hern was seen clutching rosary beads and wagging his fist at President Paxson’s office.

Blue Room Paper Straws So Flimsy You’ll Want To Choke Out Those Turtles Yourself

BY CRUSH

According to reports out of the Blue Room this past Tuesday, the paper straws provided in lieu of real ones were so unsuited for any kind of liquid that multiple students were drawn to Tony Sopranoesque fits of rage.

“They think they’re so Goddamn im-

portant,” explained sophomore Mackenzie Funke as she passively retweeted Greta Thunberg, “Why the hell do I care? I don’t even think I’ve ever seen a sea turtle. I mean they’re objectively much lamer than fish.”

“I think if I was alone in a room with a sea turtle right now, well, I-I don’t know what I would do,” she said, before staring off into the distance with a burning

“He always looks so beautiful with those patterned vests and pants” said classmate Sarah Granks, while watching Abbott strut around in his silk stockings as though he were about to sign the Declaration of Independence. “He wears

“I just wish I could find myself in clothes like he does,” Sarah continued, jealously gazing at Dylan’s powdered wig and ruffled shirt. “Those colorful breeches really accent his legs, and I’ve never met anyone who looks better with a cane and tri-cornered hat.”

At press time, the kid with the best taste in music was just playing songs from the 60s.

Girl Wonders If Posting Situationship’s Shoe Too Generous Of A Soft Launch

BY WHAT ARE WE

In recent news, Jocelyn Monroe ‘24 is wondering if posting her situationship’s shoe is too significant of an announcement for what they are.

“Because I’m like, definitely not single, right,” said Monroe, carefully cropping a selfie of her and her current romantic affiliation so that her Instagram followers will only see her and a vague toe of a Converse shoe. “But like, there’s no label. We’re together but without the label.”

“We’ve been together for four months

now,” continued Monroe, editing her image with a fastidiousness and commitment that her situationship somehow lacks despite the fact that they’ve spent a combined 500 hours together and plan to live together next spring, “And he’s a really important part of my life and I know that he loves me a lot. So any day now he will ask to be official, I just know it. He’s just super busy right now so our relationship is not the biggest thing on his mind.”

At press time, Monroe had accidentally tagged him in the aforementioned photo and was frantically deleting the whole post.

Student Finds CS32 Much Less Interesting After Getting Laid

intensity while clutching her “SAVE THE BEES” Hydroflask. “I definitely wouldn’t do something kind. I mean what have they ever done for me besides ruin my iced coffee? They’re non-functional members of society.”

At press time, students have been calling Ubers in fits of rage because the RIPTA was taking too long.

BY RYAN ADELL

Sources report that Sc.B Candidate in Computer Science Marvin Rosenbaum finds CS32 way less interesting after finally losing his virginity.

“Debugging used to be my bread and butter,” mused Rosenbaum, staring blankly at his open code. “But these Merkle trees just aren’t doing it for me

ever since I did the deed.”

“You know, ever since I punched my Vcard, CS32 has just lost some of the magic,” continued Rosenbaum while writing out “boobs” on his calculator. “Not even JavaScript can compare with the soft touch of a woman.”

At press time, a student found APMA1650 way less interesting after trying an edible.

Thou shalt not indulge in the masking tape.

CareerLAB Proud To Offer Unparalleled Service Of Some Sophomore Named Kiera Looking Over Your Resume

BY WEBINAR

Constantly striving to support students as they seek employment opportunities, the CareerLAB is proud to offer the unparalleled service of some sophomore named Kiera looking over your resume.

“Our main priority is providing students with the resources and guidance they need to seamlessly enter the workforce," said CareerLAB Director Matthew Donato, watching 19-year-old Kiera, who hasn’t even declared a concentration yet, scan the resume of a 22-year-old senior desperately applying for jobs.“That’s exactly why we brought in Kiera as a Peer Career Advisor, whatever the hell that means.”

YouTube Video Opened For Background Noise Immediately Becomes Foreground Noise

BY LOFI

According to sources close to junior Tim Kleeper, the YouTube video he turned on for some background noise has actually become more of a foreground noise.

“Yeah, I can’t really study in silence,” stated Kleeper as his eyes drifted away from the anatomy text he was reading and back to his computer screen. “There’s something about background noise that just keeps me focused. I like being really

locked in when I’m working, you know?”

“My productivity goes through the roof when I’m listening to something in the background,” claimed Kleeper while he made a video called “TOP 10 WORST GORILLA MISTAKES — I LIVED??” fullscreen on his laptop. “I really know what works for me. I have a flow, and that’s so important for a strong student like myself.”

At press time, Kleeper was one hour into a five minute TikTok break.

Urban Outfitters On Thayer Exclusively Sustained By Last Minute Birthday Gift Purchases For Girl You Don’t Know What to Get

BY BOILER SUIT

A recent study found that the Urban Outfitters on Thayer is exclusively sustained by last-minute birthday gift purchases for girl you don’t know what to get.

“The Urban on Thayer is literally such a lifesaver!” blurted sophomore Abigail Collins, on her way to pick out yet another color variation of the modern love corset top for her friend’s birthday party that evening. “Emery is taking us all out to CAV to celebrate and I obviously cannot show up empty-handed. I had no clue what she would like but figured I can’t go wrong with a cute crop top, a claw clip or two, and a Lana Del Rey vinyl.”

“It has truly always mesmerized me how stable the store’s clientele is,” continued Collins, meticulously browsing through a new display of crochet halter tops, lace tank tops, and flyaway camis.

“Every time I’m here, the store is flooded with all these girls, and occasionally clueless boyfriends, who are clearly looking for birthday gifts at the eleventh hour.

Truthfully, if it weren’t for all the birthdays of girls that nobody knows what to get, I bet the store would be long gone.”

At press time, a recent study announced that the Ben & Jerry’s on Thayer is exclusively sustained by breakups and organic chemistry exams.

“We know that most students expect to meet with an adult professional who actually specializes in career counseling,” added Donato, witnessing sophomore Kiera, who has been in college for almost three semesters, nod profusely and repeatedly tell the senior that her resume “looks good.” “But Kiera is great. She’s caught like five typos since she started working here! And she’s always available to look over your resume, unless it’s a Thursday night. She has section then.”

At press time, Brown Health Services happily supported students by dispatching an EMS team consisting of some sophomore you met at a party once, a senior in your Creative Nonfiction class, and that kid who’s always napping in the Barus & Holley lobby.

Dorm GroupMe Just Passive Aggressive Texts About Washing Machine Status

BY SAM WALHOUT

A closer look at a local dorm’s GroupMe revealed that the contents of the group chat to consist solely of passive aggressive messages about the status of the washing and drying machines.

“hey guys! i know you guys are really busy with midterm season right now but i would really appreciate it if everyone could recognize that you are disrupting my gcal by not taking your laundry load out on time thanks :)” read a message from frazzled student Mary Vanderhougthen ’25. While cleaning out the

lint trap and sighing, she continued, “hi y’all! dryer 28 is done! tip for next time: you can set a timer for when your clothes are done to make sure that we are valuing everyone’s time!”

“hope everyone’s having a good week! washer 9 has been finished for 45 seconds! could someone pls take your laundry :)” typed Mary who had actually already taken the liberty of carefully dumping their floormate’s clean clothes on the floor. “hi friends, i think we should have a talk about being considerate to our fellow community members. i’ve had to remove someone else’s laundry every time i want to use the washer this semester. not a big deal! just

wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page about using shared community resources and not wasting each other’s time :)”

At press time, a community coordinator sent a non-laundry related message that was ignored by absolutely everyone.

British Student Reading Aloud In Class Sort Of Like Free Audiobook

BY NICE INNIT

In a delightful story from the List Art Center, the students of Modern Fantasy Literature were treated to a full page of narration from British student Connor Schmidt.

“I just love when Connor volunteers in class,” said junior Ella Mendes, pulled into a dreamlike trance by Connor’s words. “It reminds me of when my mom used to play Winnie The Pooh audiobooks for me before bed. I actually fall asleep every single time he talks, which probably isn’t great for my class participation grade, but it’s so worth it. Sometimes I secretly record it, just to have while I fold laundry or nap."

“Connor really helps other students focus, I actually appreciate his presence more than the TAs,” reported Profesor Conroy, who did in fact, listen to lecture captures that included Connor’s voice on the drive home from work. “I’ve bumped

his grade up a full letter because of it. This class would fall apart without him.”

At press time, a TAPS concentrator volunteered to read a passage, again.

Kiera doesn't understand why you still have Spelling Bee Club on there.

Stupid Toddler On Easter Putting All His Eggs In One Basket

Friends Arguing About Who Would Survive Zombie Apocalypse As If Any Of Them Can Digest Dairy

BY I SCREAM

Embroiled in a heated debate about who would survive the zombie apocalypse, a local friend group seems to have forgotten that not one of them can digest dairy.

BY HEDGE YOUR BETS

Sources report that this Easter, area toddler Hayden Green is foolishly putting all of his eggs in one basket. “What a bonehead, stacking up his candy-filled plastic assets like that,” commented family friend Michael McBride, unable to understand how Green could be so utterly shortsighted as he watched the three-

year-old participate in his family’s annual egg hunt. “This kid’s going to be terrible at investing. I mean, he’s completely setting himself up for failure by keeping all his valuables in one place.” At press time, Green was dropping marshmallow Peeps all over the backyard as his mom warned him that one bird in the hand was worth two in the bush.

Handshake Incredibly Wet

“Between my steadfast composure and relentless grit, I’m confident that I could tackle any stressful situation, including a global zombie apocalypse,” said Lara Klein, whose gastrointestinal tract will literally implode if she eats one slice of cheddar cheese. “Zombies are no match for my critical thinking skills and creativity!”

“Well, I’ve been lifting at the gym a lot lately, and I can run ten miles easily,” replied her roommate, Jenna Sadikman, who cannot even add creamer to her coffee without experiencing bloating, nausea, and cramps so intense that she is bedridden for several days. “I could definitely defend myself against zombies if the world started coming to an end.”

“Let’s not forget about survival skills,” added another member of the friend group, Mika Lazenby, who would prob-

ably be dead already if it wasn’t for the invention of Lactaid. “I can make a fire and build shelter like nobody’s business. How can you expect to survive zombies when you can’t even survive the elements?”

At press time, a group of friends arguing about which one of them would be the most likely to become president forgot that literally none of them are decisive

enough to pick a movie, nonetheless lead the nation.

Mosquito Not Repelled, Just Repulsed By You

BY KENNEDY COMPTON

Area woman’s Handshake with friend was incredibly wet. “It was almost unbelievably wet,” recalls Sarah Johnson, drying her hand with a paper towel, “not even moist, just…sopping.”

This was not the first time Johnson has encountered her friend’s wet hand, “First time I thought the bathroom was out of paper towels,” said Johnson, “but this has

been happening for months, and he’s just getting wetter.”

Johnson has tried advising her friend about his hands, but he refuses any advice, “He says it’s ‘refreshing’,” Johnson said through a grimace, “and ‘useful?’I was too scared to ask what he meant by that.”

At press time, Johnson was seen reapplying baby powder in case of an unforeseen meeting.

BY THE ICK

Mosquito sources report that your mosquito repellant isn’t effective, mosquitos are just repulsed by you. “Yeah, it’s not like I’m a huge fan of citronella, but that’s not what actually turns me off. It’s you. Like, you as a person,” stated a

local mosquito who’s been flying around your face but refuses to actually bite you.

“Sorry you sprayed that stinky juice all over yourself for no reason. But, fact of the matter is, mosquito repellant doesn’t bother me as much as the thought of biting you does. Sure, I need blood and all, but I don’t need blood that much. Like, ew.” At press time, mosquitos were swarming a horse’s ass.

Pedro Pascal can DEFINITELY digest dairy.

She thought that home invasion was leprechauns.

If you look closely, you can see the droplets.

That mosquito net is so last season.

Man Didn’t Even Consider Touching Wall Until Wet Paint Sign Put Up

BY INTRUSIVE THOUGHT

According to local sources, area man Gus Edelstein suddenly wants to touch that wall in his apartment building now that there’s a wet paint sign asking him not to. “I’ve probably walked past this wall hundreds of times,” said Edelstein as he paced back and forth in front of the new sign. “I’ve never touched it, nor have I ever wanted to touch it. But now, something’s different. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I need to know what it will feel like. How wet is the paint? God damn it I’m gonna lose it. If they didn’t want people to touch the wall, maybe they should have just left it

as is.” At press time, Edelstein felt like the ducks in the “no feed area” seemed way hungrier than any other duck he’d ever seen.

Museums Still Under Impression That Standing For Long Time Fun

CDC Advises Nation To Stay Away From Grandpa When He Starts Coughing Like That

BY HENRY LEW

Addressing the nation from a televised broadcast, the CDC advised to stay away from Grandpa when he’s coughing like that. “We are working hard to identify his illness, but he’s kinda at that age where it could be anything,” said a CDC spokesperson, noting that Grandpa’s smoker lungs make just about anything sound like a death rattle. “While we figure this out, we urge the nation to keep distance from Grandpa. If he gets to close or goes for a hug, we recommend holding your breath and leaning your head back really far. It’s best to keep him quarantined in the TV room, and just put on Wheel of Fortune so that he doesn’t get bored and start wandering around.” At press time, the CDC announced it had narrowed down Grandpa’s sickness to either allergies or tuberculosis.

It's a juicy one.

Guy Who Drinks Water From Mason Jar Has No Idea Everyone Hates Him

BY BALL

BY ANDY BORE-HOL

According to area curator Sloane Pendergrath, museums are still under the impression that standing for a long time is fun

“When I design an exhibit, I know visitors prefer to bask in the beauty of the art while their knees lock and the soles of their feet cry out in pain,” noted Pendergrath, meandering through a vast gallery with a single folding chair as the only source of seating. “I want the museum’s guests to experience three, or even four, hours of uninterrupted standing.”

“If you really want to take in our exemplary collection, I recommend spending at least 15 minutes with each work,” said Pendergrath, gesturing to a room

filled with dozens of paintings and not a place to sit in sight. “Some visitors enjoy the standing experience more with someone else leading the way, so we also provide knowledgeable, and very verbose, tour guides.”

“Once the visitors have exhausted the indoor exhibits, we also have a breathtaking outdoor sculpture walk,” added Pendergrath, certain that guests would love the feeling of their heavy tote bags digging into their shoulders as they walked through a grassy area without any benches whatsoever. “Not to mention our rooftop installation on the 14th floor— without an elevator, of course.”

At press time, Pendergrath was convinced that the cafe was definitely everyone’s least favorite part of the museum.

According to sources familiar with the subject, junior and mason jar aficionado Rory Buchanan has no idea he is universally despised.

“I’m sorry, would you like something to drink? Let me pour you a jar,” said Buchanan, unaware that his friends and family avoid him at all costs. “In a world overrun by egregious overconsumption and abhorrent planetary degradation, it’s nice to be able to do my part.

“This mason jar isn’t just a cute, rustic accoutrement to my unique style,” continued Rory as a stranger glared at him aggressively. “It’s also my little-no-so-little, way of telling our planet, ‘Baby, I know you’re hurting.’”

At press time, a girl who hand-weaves all of her clothes didn’t know she was insufferable.

What is he preserving?

Weenie Dog’s Wittle Wegs Move Weally Fast

Unclear If Doctor’s Hand Wet Or Just Cold

BY DR. DAMP

Flinching on the examination table, sources report that it is up for debate whether area doctor Linda Johnson’s hand is wet, or just cold. “Don’t worry about it, your hands feel fine!” patient

Kendra Bunch reassured her doctor, recoiling from Dr. Johnson’s fingers and trying to determine whether they were damp from a recent hand-washing session or simply freezing to the touch.

“Ooh, are you sure you have to check my lymph nodes today? Totally fine, no problem at all.” At press time, it was unclear whether a hospital gown was totally exposing your naked body or just really thin fabric.

BY LILY STARRS

According to a recent report, that wittle weenie dog’s wegs are moving weally fast.“His wittle body is so long and his wittle wegs are so short,” said witness Alice Spencer, watching the sausage-shaped dog struggle to keep up with his regularshaped friend walking down Thayer St. “Aw, and his wong body wooks wike it so stwetched out. His wittle sweater only

covers half of his body. Oh, no, I don’t know if he can make it up those weally big stairs with his wittle tiny wegs! He’s gonna have to move them extra fast to get his wittle wegs up those big stairs!”At press time, Spencer was admiring a rabbit on the Main Green whose wittle body was weally wound.

Shitty Love Affair Not Even That Torrid

Dad Just Gonna Watch the Suitcases While Everyone Grabs Food

Yankee Man is one passionate lover. Just look at him.

BY CLANDESTINE

Sources report that shitty love affair is not even that torrid. “They just seem really happy, like they’re always cuddling and holding hands and stuff, but they barely have to deal with warring families or even marital infidelity,” said Meredith Morris,

an acquaintance of the happy couple, who was disappointed in their smooth relationship. “I mean, can’t one of them be sent off to war, or take ill with consumption or something? At least throw in some class warfare.” At press time, a shitty damsel wasn’t even that distressed.

Let's rock and roll, gang.

BY STEPHANIE STILES

On Saturday evening in Boston Logan Airport, area dad Jim Ferguson reported that he was just gonna watch the suitcases while everyone grabs food.

“Go on ahead you guys. I’ll stay here with the bags,” said Ferguson, distributing backpacks and jackets to claim all the

chairs around him. “Just get me a burger, and I’ll eat when you get back.”

“You heard what the speaker said: ‘please don’t leave any luggage unattended.’ We can’t break that rule,” continued Ferguson, securing a foam travel pillow around his neck and kicking his legs up on a carry-on. “I know you guys are hungry, so I can stay.”

Half an hour later, Ferguson’s family returned to find their dad fast asleep with

his mouth agape, leaning on a tower of backpacks.

He weft his ownah a wittle supwise in his favowite swipper.

Crystals Powerless Against Shitty Personality

BY RETROGRADE

Despite the common belief of crystals being all-powerful in the improvement of daily life, a recent study found that crystals are powerless against fixing a shitty personality.

“Crystals have many legitimate powers, like healing, energy channeling, relaxation,” said crystal enthusiast Jasper Gillette, unaware that his spiritual pebbles do have their limits when faced with his terrible character. “There’s really nothing that that a crystal can’t fix.”

“I trust whole-heartedly in the healing abilities of my crystals. It’s why I don’t believe in therapy,” continued Gialletti, donning a giant selenite necklace that will be completely futile against his asshole ways. “Self-improvement should come from without. Like crystals!”

“I carry my crystals around at all times. This is amethyst, tiger’s eye, rose quartz, and malachite,” said Gialletti, showing off his pouch of useless rocks that will never fix his dog-shit personality. “I like to have them close at hand so I can give them to my waiters as their tip. I know it will help them find their peace.”

Her crystals are gonna need crystals by the time she's done.

A later study discovered that mediums can’t fix that your grandfather was a miserable slob when he was alive.

Influencer Somehow Has Favorite Brand Of Stapler

Princess Theme Kinda Ruins Intervention

BY UNBOXING

Tapping through a 51-slide Instagram story, sources report that influencer Della Lowe somehow has an “absolute favorite” brand of stapler.

“Guys, I am in LOVE with this Bostitch office stapler. It just glides through packets of up to 40 pages like BUTTERR,” cooed Lowe, who usually sticks to enthusiastic endorsements of

multivitamins, brow gels, and caftans. “I got it in the steel gray color, but you could also go for classic black if that fits your aesthetic better.”

“It makes the best sound when it staples things,” added Lowe, earnestly demonstrating her overwhelming affection for this particular stapler. “And it goes so well with my hole puncher and binder clips. Ugh, it’s such a vibe.”

“This is easily one of my industrial office supply essentials,” gushed Lowe,

holding up the stapler so her followers could admire its hefty metal form. “You all have been asking me about this stapler so much, and you can find it on my Amazon storefront! Pleeeease tag me if you end up joining the Bostitch girl gang.”

At press time, Lowe was earning five times your salary on stapler commissions.

BY DISNEY ON ICE

Reports have indicated that Greg’s intervention really got undercut by whoever gave it a princess theme.

“We all came ready to like…cry,” said Greg’s friend Dave, referring to what was supposed to be a heartfelt conversation about Greg’s addiction. “But the face painting station just kind of distracted everyone. We all had a speech planned for Greg, but then Princess Snugglepuss kind of stole the spotlight with her flower dance. Don’t get me wrong, we all had a great time…I just feel like we shouldn’t have.”

“Greg didn’t even confront his addiction,” continued Dave, sheepishly hiding the butterfly wing painted over his left eye. “He got totally consumed by storytime. Then by the time we were done playing dress up everyone had kind of forgotten why we were even there. It was actually an awesome afternoon, I just don’t think it was supposed to be.”

At press time, Greg’s mother’s funeral didn’t feel quite right in a bouncy castle.

Area Man’s Jeans A Little Too Skinny

BY DISTRESSED

Area man Rowan Nichols blissfully unaware that his skinny jeans may be a little too skinny.

“They looked killer on the model at Abercrombie, so I knew I had to give them a go,” remarked Nichols, amidst a painfully taut walk to class in which he could only manage to take nanoscopic strides. “Skinny jeans are a peak staple of 2008 fashion, but we just don’t see enough men rocking them nowadays. A true shame if you ask me.”

“Besides, I think people are big fans of my skinny jeans because everyone on

campus has been eyeing me down today,” continued Nichols, oblivious to the fact that people are staring because his jeans are outlining a bit too much for comfort. “I kind of dig the attention. Brown is a pretty fashionable school, after all, so I’m not surprised that people know true style when they see it.”

At press time, President Paxon issued her first-ever student dress code to Nichols because god damn those boys’ jeans were too skinny.

The petting zoo cancelled last minute.

Use code MACKEIGHLYN20 and they'll throw in a free staple refill.

POINT: In Like A Lion, Out Like A Lamb

BY REGGIE CARLYLE

In like a lion, out like a lamb.

Ahh, won’t you just stand still for a minute and take a long, deep breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Isn’t this spring air invigorating?

Think about the beginning of the month—freezing rain, cloudy days, no sun whatsoever. I couldn’t take one step without worrying about freezing my tailbone off! The harsh wind was a lion’s roar and I was but a mere mouse, fallen prey to the whims of the sky and all of its forces!

But we held fast to the promise that spring will come soon, and what ho, look at the sunny days that we experience now! Feel this warm, balmy, air, smooth as a lamb’s coat on your cheek! Can the tinkling of this breeze not be compared to a lamb’s bleat?

Perhaps I’ll bask in the sun today! And walk to a coffee shop in the afternoon! The possibilities are endless—all I wish to do is to bathe in this weather that is as calming and soothing as the imagery of a lamb in a field of flowers!

COUNTERPOINT: I’ll Have You Know My Mother Was Killed By A Lamb

BY MADDIE SLOAN

My mother was killed by a lamb in the spring of ‘98 and you have the gall to prattle on and on about how sweet they are?

Well I’ll tell you what, mister. Despite their sweet, unassuming, exterior, lambs are dangerous, horrific, monsters, and if you’re not realising that, then you’re doing yourself a serious disservice. If only my mother had known of their true nature… Their coat? A disguise. Their eyes? Full of lies. You

should have seen my mother on the day of the funeral. I will never forget how terrible she looked. The morticians couldn’t fix her up! I’ll never forgive whoever ordered an open casket, they were out of their minds.

Don’t be fooled by the lamb! My mother was fooled. But that’s how they lure in their prey. The lamb preyed on my mother! Everyone thinks they’re all cute and innocent and then BAM! That’s how they getcha. My mother made the exact mistake that you did, said the same exact things you did—oh hoo hoo, spring air as angelic as a lamb—and then look what happened to her! Look what’s happened to me! I am a wreck. You better start watching what you say or else you’re going to be caught in the same exact situation. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I will say I told you so.

I Do So Much For My Family That Sometimes I Feel Like A Martyr

BY MOM TYING HERSELF TO SPIKED WHEEL IN ROMAN CIRCUS

Modern motherhood asks women like me to do it all.

Every day, I juggle my own career alongside my husband’s work schedule and the daily responsibilities of caring for my three beautiful children. Between meal prep, grocery shopping, driving to extracurricular activities, getting the laundry done, and being displayed for this crowd of cheering Romans on a flaming spiked wheel, I have to admit that I’m

starting to feel like a martyr.

With three young kids, it’s difficult to make time for any self-care. Sure, I have my book club once a month, but that’s not enough when you’re constantly giving,

fore helping others, and if I’m being honest with myself, I haven’t been living out that truth. Whether it’s my husband forgetting to help with the dishes or the pack of bloodthirsty lions advancing towards me in this circus, I don’t feel supported by my

or a prison guard is watching me while I wait to meet my Creator in a spectacular act of renunciation. Not to mention, carrying a toddler around all day makes me feel totally “touched out.” Yes, children are miracles, but they’re also hard work!

soldier is telling me to get in the gladiator ring because I refused to sacrifice to the emperor. Do I regret becoming a mom? Absolutely not! But motherhood has meant that I never really get to focus on ME anymore. For some reason, staying on top of my family’s needs and having my earthly flesh publicly mortified as entertainment for pagans isn’t bringing me fulfillment. I guess I’ll just have to try meditation.

giving, giving and rolling, rolling, rolling on a wooden torture wheel as punishment for your faith. I’ve always heard the advice to put on your own oxygen mask first be-

BRUNONIAN VOICES

“Beware, all sex-ed here is conducted by a capella groups.”

surroundings.

No one talks about the raw reality of motherhood. I’m never alone anymore; either my youngest son is clinging to me,

Someone is always bombarding me with requests; one moment my five-year-old is asking me to cut up his chicken nuggets in quarters, not thirds, and the next a Roman

“They give out the degrees on a first come, first serve basis. Back of the line, freshie!”

“Keep your key on you at all times, if you lose it, ResLife makes you take their daughter to prom — and show her a nice time."

“The best thing about Brown is that they let me live in this dorm for free. They don’t even know I’m here!”

“When the crow flies west, descend not upon the wayward willow grove, there be dark arts at work, aye…I’ve said too much.”

“Health services does the BEST nose jobs.”

A Day On College Hill, otherwise known as ADOCH, is upon us. What is your advice to prospective first years touring Brown's campus?

Sure, I have my book club once a month, but that’s not enough when you’re constantly giving, giving, giving and rolling, rolling, rolling on a wooden torture wheel as punishment for your faith.

No, Kelly, We Really Won’t Be Mad If You Leave The Housing Group And Accept Your Wellness Single

BY ME AND GALE

Hey Kelly! Congrats on getting that Wellness single. ResLife would literally be so dumb if they didn’t accept you. You, like, always do your yoga things in the morning and you’re the spitting image of health. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that Gale,

Sam and I fully support whatever decision you make with housing. It’s okay if we have to go into the housing lottery alone, really. It’s not like having a three person group

sleepover but every single day of the year! You literally can’t miss out on an opportunity to live in Wellness, with its super clean lounges and floor-to-ceiling windows.

Worst comes to worst, we’ll all be in a triple!

is the worst idea ever. I’m sure there’s a suite out there for us; and worst comes to worst we’ll all be in a triple! It’s like a giant

There’s so much charm to the older dorms and to be honest they’re much closer to our classes. We wouldn’t want to live in

such a pristine, luxurious place with washing machines that actually work anyways. Apparently some of the other dorms don’t even have hot water, but actually, showering in the cold is better for your body. Of course, you probably already know that Ms. Wellness, don’t you? But, hey, you

shouldn’t have to worry about us since all Wellness singles are probably great! Maybe you could even start hanging out with Jessica? I heard she’s also going to be living there next year. So, really, accept that room. We’ll be fine. Have a good life, or, I guess, a well one.

I’m The Damn Mayor, And What I Say Goes!

BY THE MAYOR

Listen here. Listen here! Look, I wanna hear all of your suggestions to make this town better. Okay? I really do. But you gotta remember sometimes that I’m the damn mayor, not you, and what I say goes.

I’m glad you all feel comfortable com-

ing to these town hall meetings—after all, democracy is made of town hall meetings—and I’m glad you guys aren’t afraid

to say what you want and how you feel. But, level with me, here. You gotta do what I say sometimes. My political moves are non-negotiable! They’re for the good

of the town, after all, and y’all just have to start listening to me more. Cathy, please sit down, I’m trying to say something important. Martin, don’t you dare interrupt me—I saw you open that big mouth of yours. See, this is exactly what I mean. You elected me, and now

You’re not the mayor. I am.

you refuse to respect me. Well, you’re not the mayor. I am. And so you’ve gotta have some damn respect.

this any longer. First order of business— CATHY, shut your damn mouth or, god forbid, I’m gonna do something I regret, which would be bad for both you and for my reelection campaign. Jesus, I’m the damn mayor, after all.

CATHY, I SAID SIT DOWN! I’m gonna lose my damn mind! I’M the mayor. Have a LITTLE courtesy. Jeezus. What I say goes, okay? I’m not gonna dwell on

Could I Get Your Advice On My Three LifeChanging Internship Offers?

ing between these three internship opportunities for this summer and I feel like you would be able to help me out. The first

it’s in New York and New York is so big and I’ve never been there! The second one is in my hometown, which is great because

with this organisation who does super cool things and it’s quite prestigious too. But it’s my hometown! That’s so dull! No

Hey, I’ve never asked you for your opinion once ever in my life, but I desperately need it now. I’m having the toughest time decid-

Ugh I’m just so torn between these three and I really don’t know which to choose, they all have their pros and cons.

one’s in New York and they cover housing and food and also it’s super prestigious but

then I won’t have to pay for housing—and they are giving me a 10k stipend. And it’s

one wants to stay in their hometown their summer going into junior year! That’s

so embarrassing! Okay, okay, and hang on, don’t leave yet, there’s just one more. Okay, the last one is in Paris, super cool, everything is actually perfect except my ex is going to be working in Paris and can you imagine if I saw him there!? Will that not be the most awkward thing!? Ugh I’m just so torn between these three and I really don’t know which to choose, they all have their pros and cons. What do you think? I really value your opinion otherwise I wouldn’t have explained them all in great detail to you.

I Don’t Care That It’s Not In The Lease Agreement, Please Stop Eating My Quarters, Jared

BY JARED'S ROOMMATE

Hey Jared, hope you’re well. Just wanted to start off by saying you’ve been a pretty great housemate so far, and I’m glad we’ve moved in together. But, could you please stop eating my quarters?

I know, I know. The lease agreement just says we can’t have pets and can’t smoke indoors, and doesn’t say anything

about eating quarters, but it’s still weird man. I’m worried about you. Honestly, it was pretty funny the first time you did it at

ally needed to do laundry that day. But really, this can’t be good for you. I know you say that “Dining Halls are out to

up with nickel-copper alloy is sticking it to the administration. And no, mixing in pennies doesn’t make it a “balanced meal.”

The lease agreement just says we can’t have pets and can’t smoke indoors, and doesn’t say anything about eating quarters, but it’s still weird, man.

a party, though I really wish you asked me before you gulped them down. You also probably could have stopped at three, I re-

get us” and that “Big CPax doesn’t want us eating the yummy yummy Washingtons,” but I’m not too sure how loading your gut

All in all, looking forward to living together for the rest of the semester! But next time you find yourself breaking into

my room and pilfering my shelves, maybe leave the quarters alone.

BY STUDENT WHO JUST WANTS TO BRAG ABOUT THIER THREE INTERNSHIP OFFERS

Film Sadder In French

BY SACRE BLEU

According to recent reports, bro comedy film “Two Guys and Boobs” is sadder in French.

“They just don’t make breast jokes like this anymore,” said local bro Noel James, chuckling and grabbing his pseudo-boobs as he watched the English version of the “Two Guys and Boobs.” “It does not get better than tits––I mean this!”

Upon watching the same film in French, James had a much different reaction to the movie that gives more screen time to boobs than any female character.

“It was beautiful,” said James, tears welling in the corners of his eyes. “Cette

fille a vraiment de gros seins!”

“They truly do not make art like this anymore,” said James, rising to give the French edition of “Two Guys and Boobs” a standing ovation. "That one scene where the boobs rest above simmering bubbles in a hot tub, posed in such a way that you know exactly what they’re thinking–It’s incredible!”

“When they showed the boobs in slow motion, during the wet t-shirt contest,” added James, forming a slight smile, “They bounced so poignantly across the beach. I knew I was seeing something impactful."

At press time, James was seen laughing through the English dubbing of Les Miserables.

“Cocaine Bear” Delivers Sobering Lesson To Bears On The Dangers Of Doing Cocaine

Femme Fatale Wields Teeniest, Tiniest Gun

BY ROCKNELL BEED

After an alluring night of illegal inheritance fraud and passionate eye-contact, Randol McShilling reports that the evening took an unexpected turn as femme fatale Ruby Stryker reached into her garter and pulled out the teeniest tiniest gun strapped to her thigh.

“Don’t tell me you are surprised,” said Stryker, pointing the two-inch-long pistol with a wittle trigger at her accomplice. “You were fun while you were convenient, but now is our time to part. The fun’s over, McShilling.”

“I didn’t even know they made guns that tiny,” said McShilling, staring down the itty bitty barrel. “It’s hard to be scared for your life when the gun is just too darn cute.”

At press time, McShilling convinced Stryker to put down the teeny weeny gun and instead light a looooooong cigarette.

Rocknell my lad! Good tidings! As you may recall, last we spoke, I was about to face the orc army single handed. I was equipped with only my hit and a big cast iron skillet. What a bind! Thanks be to Jove, in the battle's darkest hour, I was saved by a giant eagle who lifted me up and took me to her nest. It's pretty nice, as far as nests go. A lot of space, tasteful stick curation. I do have a few roommates in here, in the form of three humongous eggs. They don't say much. Wait! One is wiggling around–And now, the shell is cracking! Gotta blast!

Broken Record Doesn’t Love All The Unflattering Comparisons

BY D.A.R.E. BEAR

Recent blockbuster film “Cocaine Bear” has been a real wake up call to bears around the country.

“As a mother, it was really troubling,” said local bear Florence Jenkins. “I mean, a bear, doing cocaine? I had never even considered it. We thought that was human stuff. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t ever going to do it before, but now I definitely won’t go anywhere near it. And neither will my kids.”

“More than anything, this movie was intended to be a cautionary tale…to bears,”

said Carmichael. “Bears need to know how threatening cocaine can be to their bodies, and their communities. I took on this project because I knew it was saying something that needed to be said. For too long we’ve allowed the media to completely avoid the topic, but not anymore. Bears can do cocaine, and the world needs to know that.”

This will not be Carmichael’s last cautionary animal film. Warner Bros just announced the release of his next film, “Drunk Driving Octopus.”

It doesn't need you

BY COMPACT DISC

Local record Abbey Road by The Beatles, was reportedly quoted earlier today as saying that it was “actually pretty offended” at repeated comparisons to your mother, father, and middle school English teacher.

“It’s cool, it’s whatever," said Road after listening to you complaining to your roommate about your mom nagging you to call your aunt. “I just don’t really think

it was a nice thing to say. Imagine if I was like, oh you remind me of someone super annoying. Like, that would be rude. I wouldn’t do that.”

“I mean you could really say anything. How about, ‘like a broken clock’? Or no wait, like a heartbeat. Or like, I dunno, bird or something. They repeat, right?” Road suggested in despair. "I’m not typically an ideas guy. I know I’m not perfect, but, it’s not my fault I repeat–I repeat-I repeat–I repeat–I repeat–I repeat–I repeat–oh Goddammit.”

At press time, Abbey Road was com-

forted by two birds who had narrowly escaped one stone.