The Brown Noser, May 2023

Student Puts On Cap And Gown, Permanently Removes Nose Ring

BY KENNEDY COMPTON

Reports indicate senior Sarah Michaels has put on her cap and gown and permanently taken out her nose ring.

“I’ve had her for four years, ever since that wild night freshman year when I got a little drunk and booked an appointment at Rockstar Body Piercing,” said Michaels, looking fondly at the nose ring. “It was nice while it lasted, but it’s time to start getting serious. It’s the end of the road for this old gal and me.”

“I took out my belly button ring six months ago. That was hard, but it was her time to go,” said Michaels, adjusting her cap and sorrowfully laying the ring in a decorated wooden box. “Goodbye fun, artistic Sarah, and hello corporate asset Sarah.”

“After this, I’m also going to cover up my wrist tattoo,” said Michaels, sporting a button down instead of her usual sheer crop top. “My mother taught me to hide it with foundation. I thought she was gonna be judgmental, but it turns out she had to

Rising Senior Moving Off-Campus Excited To Be Independent, As If His Parents Not Still Paying For Everything

It's going right back in when she retires.

do the same thing when she settled down and had kids.”

“Post-graduation, I’m going to dye my hair back to it’s natural color,” stated Michaels as she booked a hair appointment at

a real salon instead of the Supercuts. “No more box dye for me. I’ve loved the neon green, but I don’t think that’s going to be allowed on my security I.D. badge for my investment banking job.”

Ratty Announces New Chocolate And Potato Chip Cookie Potato Chips

BY NICO PEREIRA-ARIAS

Through a recent Instagram post, Brown Dining Services announced their brand new addition to the menu: Chocolate and Potato Chip Cookie Potato Chips.

“We’re always looking for new ways to reinvent classic dishes,” stated Vice President of Dining Services Stanley Hoover as he looked for his tall white chef’s hat. “I just saw that we had potato chips, choco-

Funny Professor Actually Hard Grader

What The Actual Fuck Is This Indy Article Even Talking About?

late chip cookies, and chocolate potato chip cookies, but who would want to eat those? That’s why I came up with a plan to grind them all up, create a paste, and slice them into deliciously crispy potato chips. Our meal plan members will love them!"

At press time, the Ratty announced a collaboration between Nick and Linda to create the best chocolate chip chunk cookie.

Zookeeper Reassures Crowd That Giraffes Also Plagued By Debilitating Ennui In The Wild

BY KATE VAN RIPER

Sources report that local zookeeper Aaron Brunt is reassuring a concerned crowd that giraffes also suffer from a severe, debilitating feeling of ennui in the wild.

“Don’t worry, a sense of utter hopelessness is business as usual for these tall fellows!” said Brunt cheerily, ensuring that no onlookers connected the dots between the giraffes’ run-down enclosure and their subdued demeanor. “They feel exactly the same when they’re roaming

the plains of the savannah.”

“Nope, no need to worry about these big boys experiencing the nagging feeling that something is missing from their lives that they are forever unable to name,” added Brunt, as one giraffe struggled to muster the energy to even stick out its giant purple tongue. “That melancholic nature is just hard-wired into their DNA.”

At press time, Brunt was explaining that the zoo’s chimpanzees actually really enjoy the ambient noise of the 1-95.

Clothing Sale On Main Green Exclusively Selling Vintage Negligés OPINION

Emotional Support Dog Requests Own, Smaller Emotional Support Dog

Tucker Carlson Drunk Texts CNN At 2 AM Asking For Old Job Back

At press time, Michaels had declared her switch from White Claws to Chardonnay.

Editors

Annie Cimack

Sam Colt-Simonds

Yasmeen Gaber

Caroline O'Daly

Kate Van Riper

Senior Staff Writers

Aidan Berman

Dana Herrnstadt

Declan Johnson

Jordan De Padova

Stephanie Stiles

Allison Stein

Ariel Stein

Staff Writers

Ryan Adell

Kennedy Compton

Grace Freeman

Olivia Golubowski

Nathan Haronian

Jane Hwang

Spencer Knerr

Henry Lew

Rhys Long

Evan McHenry

Clark Oh-Willeke

Nico Pereira-Arias

Lily Starrs

Sam Walhout

Damian Wasilewicz

Copy Editor

Evangeline Bilger

Photo Staff

Warren Diggles, Photo-Boy

Allison, Jane, and Nico, Social-Boys

Webmaster

Jackson Owens

Printing by TCI Press

New BDH Poll Reveals 50% Of Student Body Consists Of Freshmen And Sophomores

BY JANE HWANG

Much to everyone’s disbelief, a groundbreaking Brown Daily Herald poll shockingly reveals that 50% of the student body consists of freshmen and sophomores.

“Our fastidious reporters were sent out to all four corners of the Brown University campus to poll over 7000 undergraduates, and we were astonished by our findings,” reported poll coordinator Sebastian Piao, positively sweating at the spike in viewership the BDH will receive after releasing this stat. “Just about half of the student body is composed of those in their first and second years, otherwise colloquially known as freshmen and sophomores.”

“We re-polled the student body multiple times as well as recounted the poll votes as we did not wish to be accused of false reporting,” continued Piao, shoving BDH articles with the statistic on the cover in 72 font bold print into the

chests of unassuming passerby. “But the numbers speak for themselves. We believe this is one of our most notable findings to date, especially because this follows a fascinating trend of freshmen and sophomores comprising 50% of the student body every year we have reported on this statistic.”

“Lastly, I’d like to reiterate that the

Herald is committed to our history of honest and objective reporting,” concluded Piao, proud to be part of an organization that delivers such topical and groundbreaking news to the student body. “And we are extremely curious to see what next year’s statistics will look like. You can definitely say our socks will be knocked off

Student Deeply Engrossed In One-Page Summary Of Book

BY HENRY LEW

According to sources, a student was spotted on the Main Green deeply engrossed in a one-page summary of a book.

“Literature like this, you just gotta appreciate”, commented Will Bennet, while gazing in quiet admiration at the single sheet of paper in his hands. “The character descriptions, the themes, and let’s not forget the setting! It’s such a well-crafted story, I can barely stop myself from reading this whole thing in one sitting!”

“What’s the book about, you ask? Well, this is a fascinating story about Christopher, a grizzled fisherman with a troubled past,” continued Bennet, reading directly from the single-paragraph

Shoes Off

BY ANNIE CIMACK

A current passenger on Air Force One, journalist Ari Gelb, is wondering if the president would mind if he took off his shoes on the plane.

“This is a really tough call for me,” stated Gelb as he tentatively reached down to the laces of his dress shoes.

“One the one hand, he is the leader of the free world, and I’m sure there’s some expectation of decorum. On the

section labeled ‘premise’. “Oh, and get this: it takes place in the late 1800s, and the setting reflects the time period! It says so right here!”

At press time, Bennet was spotted

Chat-

our feet if the results are anything like this year’s!”

At press time, 100% of Brown students were enrolled in higher education.

other hand, this is going to be a pretty long flight.”

“Maybe he won’t notice that I took my shoes off if I hide my feet under the seat in front of me,” wondered Gelb as he slowly began to slip his shoe off of his foot, glancing around to see if the president was watching. “It’s just that my feet swell when I fly, so shoes get pretty uncomfortable. That said, I would hate for the president of the United States to see my socks.”

At press time, the chief of staff was taking off his shirt at a garden party because it was too hot outside.

Graduating Indy Writers Prepare For Harsh Adjustment To Real World’s Capital Letters

BY lowercase

Sources report that the Indy’s senior writers are gearing up for the difficult adjustment into the real world’s usage of capital letters.

“i don’t think i’m ready for a big girl job where i have to capitalize my proper nouns,” said writer Grady McPherson, nervous about the impending leap from experimental poetry to coherent sentenc-

es with standard punctuation and grammar. “maybe my boss will let me email him in haiku for now, just while i cope with the transition.”

“i’m looking for an apartment in brooklyn, but it’s so hard to read the lease agreements with all those big ugly capital letters in them,” lamented McPherson, shielding her eyes from the aggressive blocks of text unaccompanied by any whimsical line drawings or esoteric collages. “do you think i could ask the landlord to

send this to me as a lyric essay instead?”

At press time, McPherson made the executive decision to move home and work on her chapbook of memoir vignettes instead.

Barus And Holley Just Friends

BY DAMIAN WASILEWICZ

Students across campus were devastated earlier this week by breaking news that Barus and Holley were, indeed, just friends.

“I just don’t know if I can get my coffee from the B&H cafe anymore,” reported sophomore Olivia Jones, ripping up romantic doodles of the two now-confirmed friends. “Part of the charm of my maple iced latte came from imagining Carl Barus and Alexander Holley wrapped tenderly in each other’s arms, exchanging sloppy kisses in every nook and cranny of the building.”

“It just feels like part of the magic is gone,” continued Jones, loading up a sad girl starter pack playlist. “Whenever I was struggling to stay awake in an ENGN class, I would wake myself up by thinking about

the possibility that they had once torn each other’s shirts off, locked eyes, and brought their souls together in a language only they knew, right in my chair! Now that I know they’re just friends, what’s the

34-Year-Old Brown Men’s

Hockey Player Finally Ready To Graduate

BY SPENCER KNERR

Taking off his skates for what may be the last time, 34-year-old Brown Men’s Hockey forward Matt D’Alessandro announces that he’s finally ready to graduate.

D’Alessandro explained, the gray hairs on his head and crow’s feet around his eyes more prominent than ever. “And then I repeated freshman year once, sophomore year three times, junior and senior year twice, and PG-ed another two years. Man, it’s been a journey, but I’m happy to say I’ve enjoyed every second of it.”

point?”

At press time, Jones was seen making a heartbreaking discovery about Smith and Buonanno.

Party “Bouncer” Just Adolescent Boy With Wide Spread Legs

BY IMMOVABLE OBJECT

According to reports from a party, the bouncer is just a young boy with his legs spread apart.

“A lot of people will try to get in off the list,” said James Conway with both edges of his feet touching the door frame, “but no one gets past me.”

“People try to go over, under, left, right,” said Conway stretching his arms out to the frame, “It’s all pointless, I’m impenetrable.”

“It’s about safety,” said Conway, standing at 5’ 10’’ 87.5 pounds, “Without me, chaos would ensue. Who knows what could happen.”

At press time, Conway was seen attempting to prevent commuters from jumping the subway turnstile.

“It’s been an absolute blessing playing with these guys and representing Brown on the ice for the last fourteen years,” D’Alessandro said, not acknowledging that he was really graduating because he was out of his athletic prime. “I never thought I’d be ready to say goodbye to college. But man, my knees just ain’t what they used to be.”

“I played a few years in a Junior Pro League in Winnipeg after high school,”

“You do really make a lot of friends at college, and I’m going to miss them all,” D’Alessandro continued, not considering that most of his friends were over a decade younger than him. “So many of the guys I played with back when I started have families and shit now. I just hope my dad can get me an internship for this summer.”

At press time, 12-year-old child prodigy was definitely emotionally ready to start college.

Author of Source Carrying Your 200-Page Thesis Actually Didn't Mean That At All

BY YASMEEN GABER

Sources report that Jillian Glieberman, the author of the source carrying your 200-page thesis, actually didn’t mean that at all.

“Yeah, when you said that I used rabbits as a motif for happiness in the book, you were way off,” said Glieberman, completely undercutting the core of the thesis you spent an entire year writing. “Actually, the rabbits aren’t any kind

of metaphor at all—they’re just bunnies, man.”

“Later, you made some claim that Lorelai’s relationship with Mr. Hunter in the novel was a clear microcosm for the rivalry between Trotsky and Lenin,” Glieberman said, confused about why you spent 200 pages rambling about made-up connections that she didn’t intend at all. “It really wasn’t that deep. Like at all.”

At press time, the cute barista that you told all your friends about actually wasn’t flirting with you at all.

They seemed so rock solid.

Don't even try crawling underneath, his thighs will crush you like a feeble egg.

Senior Would Rather Spend $100K On Grad School Than Look For Job

BY RHYS LONG

Sources report that senior Connor McCray would rather spend $100k on graduate school than look for a job after graduation.

“I’ve decided to pursue another few years of school after I graduate,” Connor said as he avoided the anxiety of updating his LinkedIn by agreeing to take on six figures of debt. “It’s way easier than writing a

Improv Performance Would’ve Been Better If They Rehearsed

cover letter.”

“Scrolling through Indeed just feels too taxing right now,” Connor added while signing a check for tens of thousands of dollars. “I think it would be much more relaxing to attend two more years of formal education than to sit through another Zoom interview.”

At press time, Connor decided to buy a car because it was easier than walking to class.

Classmate’s Summer Internship Too Good To Not Be Nepotism

BY CAROLINE O'DALY

Following a recent improvisational comedy performance on campus, sources report that the show would have gone way better if the actors had just rehearsed something to perform beforehand. “At one point, this guy started doing a bit about his grandma being a blender and then accidentally blending her cat into a

Pedialyte smoothie, but none of the other performers knew where he was going with it,” said audience member Gina Lester, trying to figure out why the student would take such a large improvisational risk during a packed show in MacMillan 117. “Someone tried to save it by pretending that there was a moonquake, because they were also on the moon for some reason, but that didn’t help at all. Honestly, they should’ve just figured something out last week, practiced a few times, and per-

formed that for us. It would’ve been way less painful for everyone involved.” At press time, Lester noted that the sketch comedy group’s performance would’ve been more enjoyable if it had been fleshed out a bit and lengthened for clarity.

BY AIDAN BERMAN

Sources report that a classmate’s summer internship is way too good to not be nepotism.

“There is absolutely no way Preston landed that internship on his own merit,” divulged first-year Charles Perez, enviously staring at his classmate’s LinkedIn post announcing his summer internship at McKinsey & Company. “I mean, come on—Preston’s attic has always been a little bit dusty, if you know what I’m saying. The dude failed Rocks for Jocks last semester, and I’m just supposed to believe that McKinsey recruiters saw something in him?”

“I’d bet a million dollars his dad works

at McKinsey,” continued Perez, fiercely scavenging the internet for any information out there on Preston’s parents’ occupations. “Preston just doesn’t work hard. I have only spotted him in the library once, and that was for the Naked Donut Run. Besides, everything about him just radiates nepotism: his wardrobe, his character, everything. It’s the only rational explanation for why an empty-headed first-year with zero consulting experience could land such an amazing summer position.”

At press time, Preston’s dumb little brother’s early acceptance to Harvard was too mind-blowing to not be the result of legacy status.

Student Ready For Relatively Tame Summer Of Yachting, International Travel, Exotic Animal

BY EARTHLY DESIRES

Junior Claude Torres is ready for a relatively tame summer of yachting, international travel, and exotic animal collection.

“This school year was beyond hectic, so I’m looking forward to a super chill and lowkey summer,” Torres was overheard telling friends, as his family group chat blew up with texts debating

Collection

whether they should travel to Lake Como or Saint Tropez in August. “My summer will probably be a bit lame, but you know, that’s okay. It will be a time for me to slow down and really take it easy.”

“Honestly, I bet your summers are going to be much more exciting,” Torres told his friends, curious as to what form of wildlife his family would illegally add to their collection on their safari trip to Tanzania later that month. “Internships? Latenight runs to a Target parking lot? Maybe

a minor league baseball game here and there? I’m kind of jealous of how thrilling your summers will all be. You guys are going to have such a blast.”

At press time, another student was spotted dorm shopping for her itsy-bitsy and super subtle 4-bedroom, newly renovated off-campus apartment.

There's New York and Chicago

She just networked really hard...with her mom.

TA Has Answer Key That They Can Show You Like Really Quickly If You Don’t Tell Anyone

BY ALLISON STEIN

In good news for students struggling with their problem sets, ENGN 40 TA Andrea Bradley has an answer key that she can show you super fast as long as you don’t tell anyone about it. “I’m really really not supposed to show you the answers, but I can see y’all are struggling, so I’ll let you have a quick glance,” said Bradley, opening the PDF with the solutions for exactly two seconds before slamming her laptop shut. “But you didn’t get this from

me. I hope the answer key helps you out on your pset, but you guys need to understand how generous I’m being, because I could get in so much trouble for this.” Elsewhere on campus, the Jo’s cashier can give you an extra Vitamin Water with your meal swipe as long as you don’t say anything about it.

Discussion Post Manages To Say Literally Nothing In 250 Words

BY BLANK CANVAS

Uploaded to Canvas mere seconds before the 11:59 pm deadline, a discussion post assigned in an English class manages to say absolutely nothing in 250 words.

“I personally, as myself, a person, who is alive, in this very moment, found it very interesting, some might even say intriguing or captivating, that this book, more

specifically known as a novel or a collection of related fictitious prose, uses letters and punctuation, such as commas and periods, to form sentences that were then read by me, a person, as well as my classmates, who are also people,” stated the discussion post, providing so many words yet no original thought. “The thing about this work of literature is that it operates as so much more than a work of literature. It is also a book. Consequently, it is something

that people read. For example, I read it by looking at the pages, mentally interpreting the characters, and comprehending the meaning. While that was an experience, it also happened. In this book, the nuances are very nuanced, the juxtapositions are very juxtaposed, and the drama is very dramatic. The characters have been written and so has the plot. I think that these elements of the novel prompt the reader or audience to ask many questions. I am

Senior Asking All His Contacts For One Last Hookup Like He Door-Knocking Jehovah’s Witness

wondering about these questions right now. Are you wondering about these questions too? I think that these questions are very interesting to think about. Thinking about thinking about these questions is a very fruitful, full of fruit, and enlightening experience as well. Clearly, the author’s intention has been intended. However, themes exist in this novel. Although they exist, they are also apparent. As I continue reading this book, I am going to

continue reading it.”

At press time, a student earned their participation point in section by saying that they agree with a classmate.

Final Unexpectedly Hard For Girl Who Hasn’t Been to Class the Whole Semester

BY DING DONG

Promptly deleting yet another text, annoyed sources report that graduating senior Jude Brentwood is asking every girl in his contacts for one last hookup with the dedication of a Jehovah’s Witness going door to door.

“Hey, miss your cute face :)” texted Brentwood to a girl he last spoke to in 2019 with the boldness of a suit-clad evangelist meeting a new potential convert. “Come watch a movie at my place this week?”

“I’ve been wanting to hang out for so long,” Brentwood messaged a girl from an Econ group project last year as if he were

a determined missionary eager to find new souls with whom to share the gospel. “Down to grab a drink together and catch up?”

At press time, Brentwood was looking forward to seeing his Senior Scramble matches like a monk eagerly preparing for his favorite feast day.

Advice for freshmen: get to class!

BY ABBY SENT

Despite never attending class this semester, reports indicate Marissa Lance found the final unexpectedly hard.

“Yeah, I don’t know any of this stuff,” said Lance trying to remember which lab section she was in, “to be honest I thought this was going to be mostly true or false questions. I did do the first discussion post, so it’s a little unfair that I

don’t even know the first question.”

“When I opened the textbook for the first time yesterday, I didn’t understand anything,” said Lance after turning in her final. “How am I supposed to do well if I can’t even cram the night before? It’s definitely looking bleak right now, but I doubt anyone could memorize an entire textbook over the course of one night.”

At press time, Lance was seen feeling hungry after skipping lunch.

He'd rather you get it from him than Chegg.

Have you heard the good word? My roommate's out of town.

Freshman Talking To Senior Like Senior About To Die

Roommate Not Home Yet Probably Just At Library Studying Late But Also Maybe Abducted On Walk Home And Now Victim To Underground Sex Trafficking Ring

BY BYE

Sources report that freshman Josie Watts was talking to senior Anika Bhatt as if Anika was about to die.

“I can’t believe it’s almost your time to leave us behind,” a tearful Watts was overheard saying, looking upon Bhatt with a wistful fondness. “I’ll never forget the

memories we had together while you were with us. Are you ready to go? To move on to that great beyond—your new job in Connecticut?”

“It’s really made me realize how much I’ve taken my youth for granted, and the years I’ll have to enjoy on College Hill,” continued a pensive Watts as she lingered over a black and white photograph of Bhatt. “It seems like only yesterday

you were frolicking on the main green, knocking back Spicy Withs, laughing and loving in the Blue Room. And now you’re being sent to farm upstate…in Fairfield County to teach at a rural high school.

At press time Watts was seen reminding Bhatt to not go gentle into that good night of rural Connecticut.

Tour Guide Getting Paid To Say Good Things About Brown Has Only Good Things To Say

BY FIND MY

Sitting in bed at 1:37 AM, sophomore Olivia Levy-Powell has reasoned that her roommate Casey O’Donoghue is most likely doing some late-night homework at the Sci Li but also maybe has been abducted on her walk home by an underground sex trafficking ring.

“Casey mentioned that she has a huge paper due tomorrow, so she’s probably just pulling an all-nighter at the Sci Li,” said Levy-Powell, trying to figure out where her roommate could be at such an hour. “However, it’s also possible that, while Casey was walking home, a group of men abducted her, sold her into sex

slavery, and now exploit her body for financial gain. It could really be either.”

“While Casey does have a history of staying up late, especially when she needs to finish an essay, I just can’t rule out the possibility of an underground sex trafficking ring holding her hostage right now,” added Levy-Powell, pondering the latenight whereabouts of her roommate. “You know what? I’ll just text her to make sure she’s doing alright.”

At press time, Levy-Powell was wondering if the three missed calls from her father were because he couldn’t figure out how to make a purchase on Amazon or because her dog had been put down after a rogue rabid squirrel bit him on a routine walk around the neighborhood.

BY DREAM SCHOOL

Brown University recently announced the Sources report that a tour guide getting paid to say good things about Brown has only good things to say.

“What can I say, this is a great school!” says tour guide Becca Platt, ‘24, while log-

ging her tour hours in Workday to make bank. “All I’ve got is praise for this wonderful institution!”

“This is as authentic as it gets! These students deserve to know about our stressless finals and lively party scene,” Platt continued, reviewing her latest fat paycheck. “Brown really has a lot to offer.”

At press time, Spring Weekend artists

@thebrownnoser99

perform at Brown because of prestige and not the five-figure paycheck.

Naked Donut Run MoreActually Of A Nude Donut-Hole Jog

BY TIM BITS

According to sources, the Naked Donut Run is actually more of a nude donuthole jog. “I was expecting this to be a lot more scandalous, as well as for there to be actual donuts and faster running,” said freshman Evan Trainor, craving a bit more donut, nudity, and speed from his

peers. “Instead, they were just kind of politely passing out donut holes and lightly jogging while tastefully nude. It was a bit of a let-down.” At press time, the Jo’s spicy chicken sandwich with cheese was actually more of a kind-of-spicy chicken sandwich with cheese product.

She's in a better place now...the West Village.

It's

Senior Laments Last Ever Monday 11:00 AM Page-Robinson Gender Studies Class

BY C.U. NEVER

Local Senior Daniel Shell was reportedly in a wistful state after leaving his last ever Monday 11:00 AM Page-Robinson Gender Studies class.

“It just makes you realize how quickly life goes by, you know?” reported Shell, letting out a sigh and looking back at the Page-Robinson Hall with a single teardrop running down his cheek. “I remember when college was full of my Firsts—my first kiss, my first love, my first Monday 11:00 AM Page-Robinson Gender Studies class. Now it feels like it’s just my Lasts.”

“I wouldn’t consider myself particularly sentimental,” continued Shell, staring off forlornly into the distance, resting his

hand one last time upon the door handle.

“It’s just, as a kid you think you’ll always be there in Page-Robinson each Monday morning, discussing and situating gender as a complex analytical category. But then one day, it’s all gone, and you’re left beating ceaselessly against the past, remembering discussing all the ways institutions have shaped and defined the functions of gender and sexuality.”

At press time, Shell was seen looking back one last time at Page-Robinson from beneath a fedora, mumbling “Here’s looking at you, kid.”

Graduating Senior Somehow Still In Providence Next Semester

Student from California To Move To California After Graduation And Settle Down In California Because It’s California

BY AREA

After carefully debating where to spend her time after graduating, senior Ashley Sloth from California has decided to move back to her home state of California because there really is nothing like California.

“A lot of people have been wondering where I will be next year, and I think I have finally determined that I will be going back to California,” declared Sloth

as she recovered from the utter shock of meeting yet another student from the Bay Area. “Why wouldn’t I return to California? The weather in California is amazing and don’t even get me started on the hiking. I just can’t picture myself anywhere other than California.”

Although Sloth had been presented with competitive offers from top firms in the Northeast and Southeast, she still opted to spend the next few years where the grass is really greener.

“California is my calling,” repeated

Sloth as she complained about the lack of green juice and tech tycoons in Rhode Island. “Who cares about California earthquakes when you can go to work in Patagonia. I can’t wait to go back home to California and enjoy the beautiful California sunsets.”

At press time, a graduating student from the City was frantically trying to find an apartment in the City for next year.

She's a local now.

BY TOWNIE

After four long and tedious years of study in the city of Providence, senior Anna Mackenzie will somehow still be here next semester.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than this bustling city full of opportunities,” shared Mackenzie as she strolled down the deserted streets of downtown Providence. “A lot of people say this city is too small, that I should think about moving to a larger metropolis with more opportunities like Boston or New York. But

you know what? I love Providence and I think I’m fine right where I am.”

“How can I say goodbye to a city that never sleeps?” expressed Mackenzie reflecting on the nightlife consisting of bar hopping from Wick Pub to Captain Seaweed’s and then back to Wick Pub.

“I’m not ready to say goodbye to this fun, wonderful, and flourishing place just yet.”

At press time, Mackenzie was thinking of renewing her lease on a Williams Street apartment for maybe just one more year.

New SHAG Course

Teaches Women To Effectively Fake Orgasm

BY YES YES YES

SHAG has reportedly just started a new course teaching women to fake their orgasms.

“Gone are the days of simply squeezing the bed sheets,” said SHAG leader Mona Richards, “this new course introduces you to advanced techniques. We want women to feel confident in their fake orgasms. Show him the orgasm YOU want him to

TA Begging On Hands And Knees For Someone To Answer

BY SAM WALHOUT

A Brown University TA reportedly resorted to begging on hands and knees for someone to answer a question during section last Tuesday.

believe you’re having.”

“We teach a wide array of styles,” said Richards, “so every woman can feel satisfied in her ability to seem satisfied. Our courses get raving reviews. We’ve convinced at least one man in every organization on campus that he’s the best she’s ever had.”

At press time, Create at Brown was seen teaching a course on Amazon shopping.

“Please, please, I’ll do anything! Someone just please pretend to care for five seconds!” Said CSCI 200 TA Rob Euoualie ’24, dropping to his knees while facing the seven students out of 30 who had shown up for the mandatory section. “Will someone answer this one question if I promise to bring in pizza or something?”

“There isn’t even a wrong answer to this question, guys! Please just stop looking at me like I’m some poor zoo animal,” continued Euoualie with tears forming

The question was, "How was your weekend?"

in his eyes, banging on the table with his fists. “I’m only doing this for my resume. I didn’t sign up for psychological torture from people one year younger than me. Please someone just answer the question!

PLEASE!”

At press time, Euoualie answered his own question and proceeded to the next slide.

High Schooler Taking Nonsense Classes Through Summer@Brown Getting Taste Of Nonsense Classes They Can Take At Actual Brown

Guy Who Never Shows Up To Club Meetings Definitely Putting It On His Resume

BY SCAM

Eager to experience college life without any of the freedom, stress, or fun of actual college, a high school student taking nonsense courses through Summer@ Brown is getting a taste of the nonsense courses she can take at actual Brown.

“I could’ve taken Algebra II and Chemistry through an accredited academic program this summer, but I decided to enroll in the Brown’s pre-college program instead,” said rising tenth-grader Alyssa Steinbock, taking some totally ridiculous courses created for high schoolers posing as Brown undergrads that actually resem-

ble the totally ridiculous courses created for real Brown undergrads. “I’ve learned so much in ‘Normative Ethics of Lasagna’ and ‘Writing Without Words,’ like way more than I would’ve learned in some STEM class!”

Although Steinbock thinks that living in an unbearably hot dorm room, eating chili con carne at the Ratty, and meeting other upper-middle class people from all over the two coasts are most reflective of attending Brown, it’s actually the nonsense courses she is taking this summer that truly exemplify the Brown experience.

“I’ve been given this amazing opportunity to spend the summer at Brown, taking

classes taught by some undergraduate who couldn’t secure a summer internship,” added Steinbock, reflecting upon her silly summer courses that are just as useless in the real world as the ones offered at real Brown. “That’s why I’m taking advantage of these few months to learn all I can about the moral dilemma of layering pasta in wide strips and writing without words.”

At press time, Steinbock was so excited to pay $7,000 for her fake college experience because it kinda felt like paying $350,000 for an actual college experience.

Nation’s Aunts Report That You Must Be Driving Those Boys Crazy Up In Rhode Island

BY GRACE FREEMAN

The nation’s aunts released a statement this past weekend declaring that you must be driving those boys crazy up in Rhode Island.

“My niece is just such a pretty young girl, I’m sure those poor Ocean State boys don’t know what to do with themselves,” your Aunt Sarah said, greatly overestimating your general rizz. “She’s a total catch, she must have every Tony, Dick, and Harry banging at her door trying to take her to the disco. Oh I remember college, those boys sure were randy!”

“I just hope she’s not letting them take up too much of her time,” Aunt Sarah continued, despite the fact that all you’ve done since September has been unsuccessful and mildly humiliating eye flirting in Blue Room. “After all, she is there to study, no matter how cute those New England charmers might be!”

You can tell us anything, we won't tell your mom.

At press time, the nation’s uncles wanted to know if you still like those Percy Jackson books.

BY NATHAN HARONIAN

Sources confirmed that sophomore Nathan Haronian, despite never going to the regularly scheduled Brown Noser meetings, is definitely listing his participation on his resume.

“It’s not that we’re angry he doesn’t show up,” claimed Brown Noser editor Annie Cimack. “It’s just that most of our newer staff writers aren’t even sure what he looks like, so it’s a bit ironic that he’s definitely putting this club on his resume.”

Haronian reportedly attended a

few meetings in his freshman year before slowly fading into the void. “He feels more like an urban legend, but we know he still exists because he writes an article here and there. That, and it’s on his Linkedin,” reported Cimack, scrolling through his suspiciously inflated and seemingly random list of prior job experiences. “There’s no way he teaches English to non-native speakers and does math research if he can’t go to his Brown Noser meetings.”

When asked to give a comment, Haronian was nowhere to be found, although a close friend claimed he “will definitely attend the next meeting.”

Student In Discussion Section Struggles To Articulate Thought But Insists On Continuing To Speak Anyway

BY RYAN ADELL

During a recent discussion session of an introductory philosophy course, student Bradley Dershowitz struggled to articulate his thought but refused to yield the floor.

“Sorry if this is a half baked thought, but all great insights are ahead of their time,” said Dershowitz as he summarized the assigned readings with absolutely no original insight. “If y’all bear with me, we

can deliver this intellectual baby together.”

“Mind if I let the dogs breath for a bit?” asked Dershowitz as he removed his shoes and filled the room with his signature Bradley-Stank, putting a finger to his lips to shush the class. “I’m really trying to channel Papí Nietzsche right now, but with my own special sauce drizzled on top.”

At press time, Derschowitz was still speaking while now pacing menacingly around the classroom.

Best seven weeks ever!

Where is he? Actually. DM us on Instagram at the @thebrownnoser.

Trendy Restaurant Calling Dim Sum "Asian Tapas" Or Some Shit

BY GASTRO

An investigation of Providence’s newest restaurant FAN has revealed that they call dim sum some shit like “Asian tapas.”

FAN shamelessly describes itself as “a tasteful reimagining of modern fusion that seeks to create a pan-Asian gastronomic experience.”

“The Asian tapas portion of our menu is essential to our dining experience,” claimed Colorado-born restaurant owner Willow Sterling. “We also invite diners to explore our other offerings like ‘fish filled

Water Bottle Too Clangy

seaweed and rice roll-ups’ and our signature ‘meat filled deep-fried ravioli.’”

Food blogger and influencer Sherri Covington praised the innovative Instagram-worthy dishes: “I just love these Asian tapas, it’s such a unique invention! All the food comes on cute little plates, and the tables even have built-in rotational food distribution systems to make sharing easy!”

As for the future of FAN, Sterling said she is just getting started, stating that she plans to replace all forks with “high precision consumption needles.”

Report: Mischief Afoot

BY SNEAKY PETE

According to sources at Brown University, mischief is afoot. “Don’t ask me how I know, but I know. There is definitely mischief afoot on this campus,” Stated DPS Officer Horatio Cuffs, sniffing the air suspiciously and checking underneath traffic cones for any possible signs of mischief.

“Everyone is saying that I’m being overly paranoid and that there can’t possibly be any mischief afoot. But I know better!

I’ve never been more certain that something is afoot than right now. And the thing that is afoot is almost certainly mischief. That is to say, mischief is definitely afoot." At press time, trouble was on the horizon.

Governess To Only Speak French To The Children On Tuesdays

During morning lecture when freshman Kenzie Adams unsheathed a 128oz Hydro Flask from her backpack, releasing a series of chimes and clangs reminiscent of the Notre-Dame at Mass.

“It sounded like she was dragging a wind chime through gravel,” said sophomore Aaron Banks, hoping his eardrums hadn’t been blown out from the sound of the water bottle being set down on a desk. “Her backpack was banging around so loudly, it sounded like she was some kind of xylophone smuggler.”

weapon. They need to regulate this type of thing.”

press time, Adams dropped the

Girl Knows Position Of Mercury During Time Of Birth But Not Social Security Number

BY CO-STAR

Despite knowing the exact position of Mercury at the very second she was born, sophomore Kelly Richardson does not know her social security number.

“On June 7th, 2003, at 9:37 am, Mercury entered the constellation of Taurus,” said Richardson, who cannot remember the nine simple digits that verify her U.S. citizenship but can recall the orientation of a planet during her

birth. “Mercury reached its third day of ascension, and its declination had just passed 14 degrees. It was an auspicious time to enter the world, truly.”

Although Richardson must know her social security number to get a job, collect government benefits, and prove her identity, she simply cannot recall the order of those few numbers. However, Richardson does know the precise rotation of Mercury at the time of her birth so she can astrologically assess herself on a regular basis.

“As my mother gave birth to me, Mer-

cury was exiting retrograde, slightly increasing its speed as it traveled around the sun,” added Richardson, who can’t fill out an I-9 form without calling a parent because her social security number must be recited to her digit by digit over the phone. “That definitely explains a lot about me, like the vivacious nature of my celestial aura.”

At press time, Richardson knew the ascendant sign of her zodiac but not her dad’s birthday.

Study Finds Individuals

Be The

Most Insufferable,

Watch your tongue.

BY TAIS-TOI

Stepping into the manor’s great hall, sources report that area governess Hilda Brimsworth is to only speak French to the children on Tuesdays.

“My good woman, you must impart your knowledge from abroad on the children,” said widowed father Edward Tillings, desperate for the aid of a gentle, yet firm, feminine hand in raising his three young wards. “Yet we shan’t have them speaking like those wastrel Frenchmen too often. I entreat you, only speak French to the children on Tuesdays.”

“Wednesdays and Fridays are for practicing the piano, and a bit of arith-

metic each day should do,” added Tillings, showing the governess to her thin cot across the hall from the children’s nursery. “Please read aloud to them each night before bed, stories which are wholesome and enriching for the mind. But do remember, French literature is only suited for Tuesdays.”

“Now, children, be good for Miss Brimsworth,” commanded Tillings, drawn away by the obligations of his business affairs at the port and a fox-hunting expedition later that day. “Miss, I will return in a fortnight’s time to see to the children’s progress.”

At press time, the housekeeper was never to set foot in that locked room.

BY ILYSM

A newly published, groundbreaking study discovered that individuals who repost their birthday shoutouts on Instagram are the most insufferable, vain, arrogant human beings to walk the planet.

“There is no sugarcoating the truth —these people are next-level unbearable,” announced Oliver Campbell, the study’s prime researcher, in a press conference with ABC News. “If I am being

frank, they suck. Honestly, having to interview these conceited individuals for this study was borderline torture. It made me almost quit my job.”

“Like genuinely, what are these people trying to accomplish?” continued Campbell, angrily scrolling through his Instagram feed. “Who gives a shit if your 800 followers know it’s your birthday? And do you really have to repost 7 stories of people calling you their ‘human diary’ and ‘ride or die?’ Like the world doesn’t revolve around you pompous little %&8!@s.”

At press time, another study found that individuals with no profile pic and fewer than 400 followers are either oddly charming or straight-up serial killers.

Report: Fuck It, Man Just Gonna Buy Sandwich At Metro Mart

Mom Bought These Reinforced Jeans Because Wow Are These Boys Rambunctious

BY HIGH WAISTED

Sources report that local boy mom McKenzie Logan just bought these reinforced jeans because golly are these boys rowdy.

BY METRO MEAT

Running low on time for lunch, junior Ronald Jeefers is swallowing his pride and buying a sandwich from Metro Mart. “I usually come in here to buy a lighter or Snickers bar, but I really need to eat before my section. I’m out of options. It’s

either eat this mystery bodega sandwich or starve,” stated Jeefers as he walked past the snacks and the cooler of old fruit to the dark corner of Metro Mart which houses the empty deli case. “I’m looking for sustenance, not enjoyment. As long as it doesn’t give me food poisoning, that’s all I can ask for. Though, I gotta say, I’m not confident in this egg salad.” At press time, the sandwich was alright.

Grandma Trying To Set You Up With Local Target Worker

“These jeans are such a lifesaver for a boy mom like me,” said Logan, showing off the pants’ heavy-duty cargo pockets where she stores juice pouches for the thirsty boys. “I can’t imagine wrangling my three wild little men in normal clothes!”

“The reinforced knees are my favorite feature, because my cuties just get so unruly,” continued Logan, wrenching apart two of her toddlers who were wrestling in the yard. “Maybe they’re not the most stylish pants, but there’s more to being a boy mom than looking cute!”

“I’m thinking of buying a pair for every day of the week,” said Logan, who was rushing off to her third soccer game this weekend. “And they wash so easily too, which I need because wow do these

boys get grimy. I’d wholeheartedly recommend them to all the other brave boy moms out there.”

At press time, a college student was buying extra-strength melatonin because

damn are they tired.

Local Woman Desperately Tries To Salvage Awkward Date By Asking, “Do You Like Bread?”

BY BULLSEYE

According to a new text, your grandma is trying to set you up with a local Target worker.

“He’s a handsome young man, this one,” read your grandma’s text, followed by links to a religious dating advice website. “He says he is single. And he is 21. I

showed him a picture of you and he really likes you!”

“Let me know what you think,” texted your grandma before emphasizing how dashing his red polo looks on him. “I think you two would make a BEAUTIFUL couple! With beautiful children.”

At press time, your grandpa sent you a picture of a bowl asking you if you wanted it.

Report: Spider On Wall Won't Move If You Don't Smoosh It

BY DETENTE

Reports indicate that the spider on your shower wall will not move as long as you don’t smoosh it.

“You just keep showering right there, pal, and I won’t move a single leg,” said the spider perched directly across from your head. “But, if you try to pull anything slick

with that shampoo bottle, I’ll be on you in no time flat, and I’ll have my friends show up in your bed too. We’re venomous as fuck.”

At press time, a report found that the skunk over there promises not to spray you as long as you stay on the other side of the street.

BY PAIN

Local woman Aden Doyle recently attempted to salvage an awkward first date by boldly asking “ya like bread?”

“You surely mess around with Pumpernickel?” asked Aden, pointing to the basket of assorted Cheesecake Factory bread sitting on the table. “I mean…

who doesn’t love…fuck’n carbs, am I right? Right??"

“Fine I admit it, Sonic The Hedgehog wasn’t the best movie suggestion,” said Aden as she continued to spiral and attempted to force-feed a dinner roll to her date. “Here comes the choo-choo-train… opennnn uppppp.”

“Sorry, my boyfriend used to love when I did that…he was so naughty!”

shared Aden as she launched into a detailed story about her ex. “We were actually engaged, but that’s besides the point.” At press time, Aden asked her date “how was it?” when she returned from the bathroom.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh boys...

The meat selection is actually pretty nice.

Grandma ruined this man's life.

Fuck, she's gluten free.

Unclear If Grandma’s Facebook Hacked Or She Just Really Interested In Candy Crush Saga Now

BY BLOCKED

Sources indicate that Grandma’s Facebook may have been compromised by ma-

licious actors, or maybe she’s just on a big Candy Crush kick right now.

“I became worried after receiving 35 notifications inviting me to play Candy Crush Saga,” said teen Ben Wallingford as he scrolled through his grandmother’s

National Geographic Launching Campaign To Save Only Photogenic Wildlife

Facebook page. “Usually it’s just her tagging me in the comments of some kitten rescue video or a fundraiser that’s probably a scam. This many notifications means that she’s managed to start up her computer on consecutive days without calling me

for help, which seems suspicious.”

“Grandma’s posts about how fun the game is were full of typos,” added Wallingford as he considered reporting her account for suspicious activity. “I wasn’t sure if I should interpret that as Boomer

technical ineptitude or evidence of a Russian hacker struggling with the language barrier.”

At press time, it was uncertain whether Mom joined a pyramid scheme or just got really into weight-loss supplements.

Nation’s Dogs Announce Plans To Sagely Stare Into Traffic While Shitting Entire Breakfast Onto Curb

BY POO BAGGIE

In a statement released to the general public last Wednesday, the nation’s canine population announced they are going to stoically stare into oncoming cars while excreting their entire breakfast onto the curb.

BY NOAH ZARK

The National Geographic Magazine, famous for their environmental and geographical photography, is proud to announce their newest conservation initiative: saving only the most photogenic wildlife from extinction.

“Let’s be honest. People don’t want to see those weird little shits. They want majestic, good looking animals,” stated National Geographic Editor in Chief, Nathan Lump, from a huge leather chair behind his mahogany desk in the Nat Geo headquarters. “The people want leaping gazelles, lions tearing up a zebra, elephants looking wise and contemplative. The public could not give less of a crap about some stinking river terrapin. I don’t

even know what the fuck that thing is.”

“The world is a tough place, and some of these ugly animals just can’t cut it,” stated Lump, as he selected a photograph of a great white shark leaping out of the ocean with a seal in its mouth for the front cover.

“But beautiful, photo-ready animals? Humanity needs to save those guys. Climate change and human intervention is a huge threat to animals that we like to look at.

So, I’m all for cleaning up the cute ducks after oil spills, but maybe we can just leave some of the more camera-shy ones oily. And how bad is it if we poach an animal and it looks better as a purse than it did when it was alive?”

At press time, Lump would consider publishing an article about proboscis monkeys if they got nose jobs.

Stupid Fish Still Hasn’t Learned From All Its Dead Friends And Family That Worm Attached To Metal Hook Not Real Food

BY GONE GILL

Sources report that, unfortunately, this stupid fish still hasn’t learned from all of its dead friends and family that the worm attached to a metal hook is not real food.

“Oh my god, look at that gnarly, juicy worm,” exclaimed Mr Sammy Phisher, somehow unaware that the worm was attached to a concerningly sharp metal hook that was 10 times bigger than the worm and could perhaps result in death. “That’s the biggest, fattest worm you might just ever see in your life.”

“The way it’s so perfectly speared by the skewer is absolutely magical. You would be an idiot to pass that up,” continued Phisher, conveniently forgetting the fact that his oldest brother, oldest sister, second oldest brother, second oldest sister, and probably 50 more siblings had died by skewer to the mouth. “It’s probably okay if I take a bite—I’m sure nothing bad can happen.”

At press time, the mouse in the pantry somehow didn’t make the connection that the rat trap on the floor might have been the same type of trap that his father had died in just a week earlier.

“It is indeed moments like these that are paradoxically full of chaos but also brimming with serenity, that we find our true selves,” sighed leader of the nation’s dogs Fido Coco-Fuzzy as he pushed to move his bowels on the side of the street as cars zoomed past. “It has been a long journey, but I find I feel most comfortable in my identity as a dog as I look into myself and my heart.”

“To be self loving is the greatest truth of all,” continued Coco-Fuzzy, squatting with all his might to push out whatever he ate just three hours prior. “As I look out onto the street and feel the rush of air by each passing car, I am so grateful to

be who I am. I hope you, too, can learn to love yourself.”

At press time, the nation’s dogs announced additional plans to roleplay as mortal enemies whenever they saw fellow dogs.

Nation’s Private Eyes Announce Plans to Peek Over Newspaper At You

BY SAM COLT-SIMONDS

America’s Private Eyes have just publicly announced their plans to sit and subtly peek over their newspaper at you from afar.

“You won’t see us there, but we’ll see you,” whispered private eye Nate Degrasse into the payphone he was using to call you. “We might even hold up a camera and zoom in real close so we can snap photos of you as you look around and step into a car. Then later, there’s every chance we’ll put the photos in a yellow folder and slap it on our boss’ desk so that the pictures we took slide out of the envelope.”

Up until this point, they had just been peering through the blinds at you from a second story window, but now they’re going to start sitting on a park bench and pretending to read a newspaper.

“After we’ve seen enough,” Degrasse muttered as he let out a puff of smoke into the overhanging canopy

The BDH is great for peering over but not through.

of his fedora, “we’re gonna walk over to a telephone pole and hide behind it.”

At press time, Degrasse’s stakeout was interrupted because he parked in a handicap space.

The talent is ready.

Medieval ButterChurning Party Going To Be Total Bust After Death Of Family Milk Cow

BY LILY STARRS

Medieval peasant Bartholomew Chestershire’s butter-churning party is going to be a total bust after the death of his family milk cow.

“How now shall I throw mine butterchurning party with no milk? I hath spent a fortnight’s wages on a half dozen loaves of bread from the village market, and twas all for naught!” remarked Chestershire after tuning the fiddler’s mandolin for the evening’s music. “For what ist bread without butter upon which to spread thee?”

“Fare thee well, my sweeting!” added Chestershire, delivering his cow’s body to the butcher in his wagon. “Though I am now filled with woe, your sacrifice shall not be forgotten! Perhaps your salted beef will quench the appetites of the village when they come to dine. But whatever shall entertain such a crowd without butter to churn?” questioned Chestershire, searching his cottage for other sources of entertainment. “Perhaps, a game of masquerade? Charades? Such tomfoolery will never be satisfactory to the vassal. Why must you perish on this, the night of high

stakes and jolly spirits, my cow? My spirits have plummeted in the wake of thy death, dear heifer.”

“Lord, I pay my tithes to thee, and yet you plague me so? I pray thee grant mercy upon my evening’s festivities, that my party will not meet the same bitter fate as my dear cow. The party must commence henceforth!"

Tucker Carlson Seen Standing Outside Rupert Murdoch’s Window Holding Boombox

At press time, Chestershire was discovering his plans for a wine keg stand were ruined after disease struck the village grapes.

Report: Petition Signed 240% More When Petitioner Is Sort Of Hot

BY DON LEMON

Reports say Tucker Carlson was seen late last night standing on Rupert Murdoch’s front lawn holding up a boombox playing “Apologize” by OneRepublic.

“Yeah I saw him, he was wearing a letterman jacket with a big F on the front,” reported Murdoch’s neighbor Lizzy McCormick. “First he stood on the lawn for a little while throwing pebbles at his window, and then when Rupert opened it he picked up the boombox. Seemed like Tucker really wanted Rupert to take him back. Not sure what

he did, but it must’ve been bad.”

“After a few moments Rupert waved Tucker away, but he wouldn’t go,” continued McCormick. “So Rupert tied up his robe real tight and climbed out the window. Lept right into Tucker’s arms. They drove off in Tucker’s Chrysler Sebring with the top down. I didn’t think much of it. Young love y’know. Thought it was cute.”

At press time, Carlson and Murdoch were seen frenching under the bleachers at half time.

Dad Sending Wordle To Daughter Like He Didn’t Abandon Family, Leave Them Destitute

BY HURDLE

Sources report that petitions gained an average of 240% more signatures when the person promoting said petition was mildly hot.

“I think the fact that his hair was kinda swoopy and shiny definitely made me care more,” reported sophomore Dana

Lowenthal after seeing a moderately hot guy holding a petition. “His eyes were so deep and so brown I couldn’t help but sign it.”

“I’m just glad to be showing my activism to the world,” Lowenthal continued as she frantically tried to stalk his Instagram despite having literally no information about who he is. “Unless the petition was for something bad? In which case,

oops!”

At press time, nobody on earth was hot enough to convince passersby to take a copy of the Brown Daily Herald.

According to local sources, Dad Brendon Crawford has been sending his Wordle results to his daughter Maria like he didn’t abandon his family and leave them destitute a decade ago.

“This one was a tough one, but I pulled it out of the bag,” Crawford texted Maria, neglecting the fact that his abrupt departure from the family unit and his refusal to pay child support had forced her to grow up in poverty. “No shame getting it in six tries!”

“A lot of vowels in this one, yeesh,” Crawford told Maria via text, completely ignoring the fact that he disappeared ten years ago after using his daughter’s college fund to pay shady loan sharks. “I swear, some of these aren’t even real English words!”

At press time, Maria’s Mom was sharing her New York Times crossword streak with her daughter like she didn’t force Maria into the unfair position of raising her younger siblings.

This man should Say Nothing

Let's turn this thing into a barbecue!

Four-MonthOld Sponge Absolutely Not Making That Pan Cleaner

Report: How ‘Bout Something Warm For The Lad? Christ's Sake Look At Him He’s Practically Freezing To Death

BY TINY TIM

According to a report from the wharf, that lad could use a warm blanket and a hot cup of soup because, Christ’s sake, look at him, he’s damn near hypothermic.

“That boy, workin’ his tail off out freezing cold, not a coat or nothin’ on him,” said the boy’s bunkmate Cecil Druthers. “I ain’t seen him complain but once, a real tough one he is. F’it weren’t for me and the lads, he’d be minglin’ with old Jack Frost b’now.”

“Didn’t utter a peep,” said Druthers as he shook his head and took another gulp of whiskey. “Just wrapped himself up, stared off into the distance n’shivered. Real troubling sight it were. Cold’ll take hold of a man, faster’n a

squall off the starboard rail.”

At press time, Druthers managed a nasty broken leg with a stiff drink and a

punch in the face.

Split Screen TikTok Features

If this sponge could talk...or clean.

BY SCRUB DADDY

According to sources in an off-campus kitchen, that four-month-old sponge is absolutely not going to make that pan any cleaner. “At this point, I would just make the pan even dirtier if I used this sponge,” said senior Sarah Lenane, staring at her house’s communal sponge, which has not been replaced in ninety days despite scrubbing food, grease, and saliva off of dishes on a regular basis. “It used to be yellow, but now it’s kind of brown

with some patches of green. Surely, we shouldn’t clean that pan—something we use to cook food—with that sponge, but I keep forgetting to buy a new one every time I go to CVS.” At press time, it was literally impossible that the Brita filter, which has not been replaced in six months, was purifying any water.

Report: Get Out Of Here!

Sources report that a split screen TikTok is featuring a thoughtful commentary on the violence of urban gentrification alongside the Duolingo Owl twerking.

“What we’re seeing now is workers at

He means business.

BY SHOO SHOO

According to local sources, you need to get the hell out of here! “We’re talking to you! Yeah, you! You better get out of here before we MAKE you get out!” stated an individual who is clearly tired of you sticking around here. “You heard me. You need

to put your ass in gear and get your ugly face out of here! Scram! Vamoose! Blow!”

At press time, sources reported yeah, and stay out!

new, huge companies moving in and driving out the old-timers,” the speaker said, directly to the left of the Duolingo mascot, who was absolutely throwing ass. “Prices and property value are going up, but so is the inequality in property wealth.”

“Of course, to communities of color, this kind of injustice is nothing new,” said the speaker, competing for the viewer’s attention with a person in a green owl suit

bending over and shaking it. “The fact that white locals being forced out draws more public attention speaks to a larger issue.”

At press time, another split screen TikTok was featuring updates on women’s rights in Iran alongside a sped-up clip of Blackpink absolutely slaying.

Nice

Congratulations On Your Fulbright! I’m So Happy For You And Not Jealous At All!

BY STUDENT

Just be careful—Argentinian drivers can be a little reckless, and I wouldn’t want you to stand in the street for 0.237 seconds too long and suddenly be struck by a black

SENIOR SUPERLATIVES

We here at the Noser have this tradition called “Senior Superlatives.” We invented it and the basic idea is that we make categories that you can nominate your friends for. Fill it out!

Oh my gosh, I just heard that you got accepted to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires, congratulations!

I’m so happy for you. You’re going to love it there. You know, I’ve actually spent a lot of time there, given that I’ve spent the last decade meticulously researching the historical, political, and migratory patterns of modern Argentina because, you know, I was really hoping to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires.

BRUNONIAN VOICES

2013 Honda CRV! That would just be tragic, even though I guess I would get to take your spot and do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires.

But anyway, it’s great that you’re going to experience such a rich culture while also doing meaningful research. I assume you’re familiar with Eva Perón, right? Of course you are, why else would you have taken up such a valuable spot in a highly competitive program? Well, they say she died of cervical cancer, but word on the street is that it was tuberculosis. Be careful who you interact with—it would be such a shame if you somehow contracted TB twenty-two hours, 43 minutes, and 52 seconds into your trip. Anyway, keep me updated on this lifealtering experience! I hope everything works out. And if it doesn’t, I’ll be sure to do you justice through my Fulbright in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Brown is set to finally finish construction on the Brook Street Dorms this summer, adding a whopping 351 beds to Brown’s Housing Collection. What do you think about these new residence facilities?

“It’s in the perfect location:

away from

on

Wouldn’t Last Ten Seconds in The Big City

Boyest Charm

Most Greek

Geistiest Zeit

Most Present Boyfriend

Cookoo Bananas

Miguel LeMonte '25 Cobblers Guild

You go here?

“Do we call this new New Dorm? Or the new New Dorm dorm?”

Worst Daily Herald

“What do you mean it isn’t finished yet? I’ve been living there since last semester.”

Longest Indie Short Film

∑∂ø∆ƒå∆∂ßå©∆ß

“I heard they’ll only have one washing machine.”

Least Visible Dave

Crandis Sidnarc '25.5 Palindrome Sciences

“This state-of-the-art, modernist facility featuring cross laminated timber ceilings and a warm materiality will be the perfect place to develop a burning hatred for my roommate.”

Gillian Cóòts ’26

Varsity Spikeball Captain

“I saw the blueprints for their community engagement retail space. It’s a Sunglass Hut.”

Frieda General-Electric '24 Love Language Concentrator

“These buildings are grounded in history. By which, we mean that we tore historical buildings to the ground to construct them.”

Cornelius Narck '23 Ass Club

The One Of Whom The Prophecy Foretold

Doomed

Least Likely To Set SciLi Fifth Floor

Bathroom Ablaze At 7:35 AM Next Monday

Most Ironic Wardrobe

Trent Grandolf '25 Bupkis Studies

Remy Rootch '23 President of Yeast Club

CONSIDERING MURDERING YOU TO TAKE YOUR FULBRIGHT SPOT

I wouldn’t want you to stand in the street for 0.237 seconds too long and suddenly be struck by a black 2013 Honda CRV!

“No thanks, I'll stick to bracing the rustic charm of a moldy Grad Center shower, myself.”

Wren Fritters ’24 Amphibiology Studies

too far

my classes to be

campus, and too far away from my friends to be off campus!””

Come Hither, Sweet Boy, Slam Your Hand Into My Glowing Scarlet Letters, Wreck My Plastic Frame With Your Astounding Strength

BY DORM HALLWAY EMERGENCY EXIT SIGN

Now, now, sweet boy. Yes, you, my sophomore sapling. So spry. So jubilant. So full of life. My sweet boy, you make dreary nights a dream for this dorm hallway emergency exit sign. I revel in the scent of your Axe body spray. I relish the remnants of your musk, im-

bued with cedarwood and sweat, lingering through this corridor. The mere sight of your backwards baseball hat and thrifted tshirt sends me into a euphoric haze. Sweet boy. How supple your flesh. How taut your muscle. How I yearn for them. How I yearn for you. Come hither, sweet boy. Don’t make me wait a moment longer. Slam your hand

Make haste, sweet boy. I beg of you. Tear down my delicete body with your supreme strength. Rupture these letters once and for all.

into my glowing scarlet letters. Wreck my plastic frame with your astounding strength. Watch my innards scatter across this dorm hallway carpet like the stars once scattered across the sky. My vermillion luminescence burns just for you, sweet boy, and how deeply does it burn. Far too many times has the sun rose and set without you demolishing this

feeble dorm hallway emergency exit sign. Please, my sweet boy, you stripling of unparalleled strength, subject me to the fate we know I’ve always deserved. Saunter down that corridor and strike me down. Strike me down, sweet boy. For I am worthless, and you are everything.

You are everything, sweet boy, and the whole world deserves to know it. You

will amaze them with your power, your precision, your unadulterated masculinity. They will bow before you, and I shall savor every second of your glory, grateful that a lowly dorm hallway emergency exit sign like me could serve as a testament to your splendor. The catastrophic caress of your palm could not quell this plastic carcass any sooner.

Make haste, sweet boy. I beg of you. Tear down my delicate body with your supreme strength. Rupture these ruby letters once and for all.

Of Course It’s Supposed To Look Like That! Do You Really Think I Would Forget To Remove All The Ugly Temporary Siding Before Opening?

BY THE ARCHITECT OF THE LINDEMANN PERFORMING ARTS CENTER

Come on, you guys! Those huge, white panels covering the Lindemann may look like temporary siding, but they’re totally supposed to be

there.

Do you really think I’m stupid enough to leave up hundreds of corrugated iron sheets before opening to the general public? No way! I designed the building like this. What kind of architect would I be if I

accidentally left the Lindemann Performing Arts Center covered with construction material and then got too embarrassed to say anything about it? Who would do that?

What kind of architect would I be if I accidentally left the Lindemann performing Arts Center covered with construction material and then got too embarassed to say anything about it? Who would do that?

Sure, the sheeting was useful during construction, but I can promise you that

it was always a part of the plan. Besides, these white panels look so much better than a glass or brick facade. Why would anyone want a building with windows when you can have a giant white cube?

Yeah, and now that I’m looking at

the building finished, I really like how it doesn’t fit in with any of the other buildings on Brown’s campus. It makes a statement, and that statement is “Wow, it looks like that?”

In the end, I think it was actually a pretty brilliant decision by me to cover the Lindemann with those protective iron panels. It’s kind of modernist, or postmodernist? Minimalist? Cubist? Well, whatever it is, it was a choice and definitely not an accident.

Please, Take My Children And Keep Them Safe –Where I’m Going, They Can’t Follow

BY SENIOR SELLING THIER PLANTS ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE

You there! Kind sir, please, take my children. The night air is harsh, and where I’m going, they may not fol-

low. For, I have no way I will transport my plants to New York, and graduation grows ever closer.

reassure them, I am in a better place. I fear they would not survive the journey I must undertake, for the Peter Pan bus is no

water, once every other week. That’s not too much to ask, is it, sir? My children are quiet and well-behaved. I promise, you

The Peter Pan bus is no place for a child, and my studio apartment in the East Village gets no light.

I can see in your eyes, you’re a kind, giving man. You will be a fit father to the children. Raise them as your own, my dear sir. They will miss their mother, but please

place for a child, and my studio apartment in the East Village gets no light. They are simple, unspoiled children. All they will require of you is but a sip of

won’t even know they’re there! I’m asking but a small pittance, just $15 dollars a wean. I can deliver them to your home if it’s too much trouble to pick them up. Just,

please, take them! I can’t bear to leave my dear children outside or plant them in India Point Park.

I remember when they were but propagations. Their father and I, God rest his soul, found them as loose leaves on the floor of Jordan’s Jungle. Ah, my sweet babies! How they’ve grown! Remember me, my dears. For, though you may not be on my new apartment’s windowsill, I will carry you in my heart, always.

To Be Honest, I Don’t Know What’s In Your Child, And I Don’t Feel Comfortable Exposing My Needle To That

BY DR. TODD, ANTI-VAXXER

Hi everyone, I know that the vaccine debate has divided our country for decades, and the outbreak of Covid-19 has only amplified that split. As a doctor, I would like to share my professional opinion: To be honest, I don’t know what’s in your child, and I don’t feel comfortable exposing my needles to that, so I am an anti-vaxxer.

I know what you’re thinking: I don’t care about my needles. I hate when people say this, and this disturbing accusation

could not be further from the truth. My top priorities will always be the health and happiness of my needles, and that’s exactly why I won’t stick them into your children to administer a vaccine. Although mothers say that their children are composed of blood, muscle, and bone, I cannot trust them. How can I know what’s really in the bodies of your children? More importantly, how am I supposed to trust that the contents of your child won’t harm my needles? The bodies

of children are very mysterious, and I do not want to subject my needles to the potentially harmful substances in your child.

How am I supposed to trust that the contents of your child won’t harm my needles? The bodies of children are very mysterious.

A friend of mine once had his needle administer a vaccine to a toddler, and then his needle became rusty. The needle rusting was absolutely the result of entering a dangerous child body. There is absolutely no other reason why that needle became rusty, such as the fact that sometimes needles just become rusty.

Furthermore, as an American, I have

rights, and so do my needles. If I do not want my needles to administer life-changing, health-benefiting, scientist-supported vaccines to your children, then my needles do not have to administer life-changing, health-benefiting, scientist-supported vaccines to your children.

Again, the health and happiness of my needles are my top priorities. I have pursued alternative homeopathic approaches with my needles, and I’ve achieved the same benefits that are allegedly accom-

plished by administering vaccines to your grimy kids. For example, I have inserted my needles into home-grown oranges, which are undoubtedly purer than the American youth, and my needles have never become rusty. Except for that one time. And that other time. And those three times before that time.

In conclusion, I simply cannot condone the administration of vaccines. My needles must never be inserted into the body of a child. It’s not safe, and I hope that you can respect my decision. Please, just stay out of my business, stay out of my life, stay out of my needle-keeping, and, most importantly, let my needles stay out of your kids.

BY EAT MY SHORTS

As viewers comb through the newest season of “The Simpsons,” they’re beginning to realize that the writers somehow perfectly predicted how the new season was going to look.

“They predicted the Housing Crash, the Trump Administration, my dog dying, but this was unprecedented,” said Simpsons superfan Jeff Jensen, even though

The Simpsons Somehow Perfectly Predicts New Season Of The Simpsons Theater

The Simpsons has predicted its own content for the past 35 years. “It was like they somehow knew everything that was going to happen in the new season just as it did. If you look closely, they even framed every scene exactly the same way that they framed it in the show. It was uncanny.”

At press time, the horses racing in the Kentucky Derby somehow knew to finish the race exactly in the order that they finished it in.

Choreographer Clearly Never Seen Real Fight

Disney Channel Protagonist Declares Inevitability Of Barf After Parents Share Single, Chaste Kiss

BY ROCKNELL BEED

In a stunning display of emotional immaturity, Maisie McDoogle, the tween protagonist of the hit Disney show, “Maisie Makes Waves”, proclaimed that she was “totally gonna barf chunks” after her mother and father shared a tight lipped, millisecond long kiss.

“I was like totally grossed out beyond,” Maisie said, as she clutched her stomach until the disembodied laugh track faded out. “I think I might literally lose my flipping lunch, it was so grosstastic”.

“I actually don’t think parents should be allowed to touch each other at all,” Maisie, who clearly has no clue how she came to be on this earth said, “like, why are they kissing? Don’t they know that it’s gonna make me spew?”

“It was a total yuckfest to the extreme. Like, so flipping grody,” she

Rocknell my boy! Last you left me, I had taken up residence in a giant eagle's nest. Once the hatchlings emerged, I was quickly chewed up and regurgitated into their eager beaks. Thank the good lord I was so greasy, I slipped right down that baby eagle's gullet with ease. Exciting news! The baby bird will soon learn to fly, and when that day comes, I'm along for the ride, for better or for worse. I've got a first class ticket to the skies! Who knows where this baby will poop me out. Golly, this stomach acid's got me feeling a little woozy. Hold on, I think she's flapping. Talk soon!

continued reflecting on the brief, dry kiss, “they better not do it again, otherwise I might be on the fast train to yarf town, if you know what I mean.“

At press time, Maisie was trying to ask

out the most popular boy at school, not knowing that he had a totally dorky identical twin.

BY ARIEL STEIN

It is becoming increasingly obvious to audiences that theater choreographer Grace Patton has never seen a real fight.

“At first I thought the dance-fighting was supposed to be symbolic,” explained audience member Harry Lin as the actors gestured painedly toward one another from a safe distance. “Then I realized that

the choreographer just had no idea that when people fight, they make contact with one another.”

“This is just uncomfortable,” Lin said as a group of actors snapped their fingers angrily at a character writhing on the ground. “What am I watching?”

At press time, the performance’s lead actor had clearly never heard a Southern accent before.

Narrator Of Dystopian YA Novel Assures You That It Wasn’t Always Like This

BY RELUCTANT HERO

Sources report that Wrenth Prevon, the protagonist and voice of a hit trilogy of dystopian YA novels, helpfully assured readers in the opening chapter of her book that “things were not always like this.”

“In the before-times, things were different,” Wrenth said as she stared off into the middle distance, not specifying how much time had passed. “But now, everything has changed, no one is safe. Not from them. The zogmonsters. Who live in the zoglands”.

“My father tells me that in the before-

Timothee Chalamet Playing Cigarette Boy Again

times, people had food other than the gruel cubes that the Grand Council sends us,” Wrench continued as she put a brown and gray jacket over her already brown and gray outfit. "But now that it’s the present, everything is worse.”

“I miss the days of my childhood, when the lake we swam in was green instead of dark red,” Wrench continued as she inhaled smog, not really giving context to how this all happened. “But ever since the zogmonsters started swimming in our lakes, their poison scales have been infecting the water.”

At press time, Wrenth was deciding between two gorgeous men with slightly different haircuts.

BY DUNE NOT SMOKE

Sources report that Timothee Chalamet is taking on a new role of mysterious cigarette boy in recently released comingof-age film “The Winds Over Mary’s House.”

“I feel like this role really challenged me as an actor, pushing me to dig deeply into a whole new side of myself,” shared Chalamet, who portrays Spike, Mary’s angsty, Marlboro-smoking crush. “Lady

Bird and Call Me By Your Name had their place, but my performance in this film felt completely new, and I’m so excited to see how fans respond to Spike.”

“I just think, as an actor, I’m everchanging, you know?,” continued Chalamet, as Spike lit his sixteenth cigarette of the film while stargazing in the bed of a pickup truck with his young lover. “Nobody has ever seen me act like this before.”

“Playing Spike was so unexpected, so shocking, so uncomfortable at times, and just such a transformative experi-

ence,” said Chalamet, while Spike recited a melodramatic love poem between puffs of his cigarette. “I really think I might’ve redefined the coming-of-age genre with this one.”

At press time, Maya Hawke was challenging herself with the role of a quirky queer teen in an upcoming Netflix Original.

Timmy!? Those aren't good for your lungs!!!

He did West Side Story last spring, so I think he's got it under control.