The Brown Noser, October 2022

Student Abducted By Sketchy Van

Saved From Awkward Encounter With Safewalk

BY CAROLINE O’DALY

Last night, sophomore Rachel Stein narrowly avoided tragedy when, just mo ments from having an awkward encounter with a pair of Safewalkers, she was abduct ed by two masked men in a sketchy van.

“I was so nervous when I saw those Safewalkers make eye contact with her,” said sophomore Kelly Monteith, who watched the chilling moment unfold. “I just knew that they would ask her if she needed assistance getting somewhere on campus, and she would have to politely decline or act like she didn’t hear them.”

According to several bystanders, Stein was seconds away from sputtering an “Oh no, I’m good thanks!” when an unmarked white van pulled up beside her.

“Thankfully, right then and there, two men in black ski masks shoved her into the back of their van,” said Monteith, slowly regaining her composure. “Those guys are heroes. They didn’t sit around waiting for something terrible to happen. Instead,

“And These Are The Patient’s Eyeballs,” Says Anatomy Professor Handing Peeled Grapes To Blindfolded Students

BY HENRY BLOCK

Passing a bowl of peeled grapes to his blindfolded pre-med students, hu man anatomy professor David Jacobsohn spookily said, “these are the patient’s eye balls,” during a Halloween-themed “Fran kenstein’s lab” component of the lecture.

“The patient was a young, white male, aged 28, moderately healthy though an occasional smoker, and these are his goopy brains!” said Jacobsohn as he passed around a bowl of cold spaghetti.

“Notice the numerous ridges and valleys of the brain, these are known as the gyri and the sulci. Now notice how gross and slimy it is! And you’re touching it! Mwa haha! What part of this haunted

Shrieking sources in the class con

was ooky,

with

they also made sure to take

informa

BY JORDAN DE PADOVA

Henry

Annie

Dana

Declan

Sam

Jordan

Yasmeen

Caroline

Ariel

Kate

Tao

Aiden

Kennedy

Raymond Dai

Olivia Golubowski

Nathan Haronian

Nico Pereira-Arias

Jane Hwang

Luci Jones

Spencer Knerr

Clark Oh-Willeke

Lily Starrs

Stephanie Stiles

Ethan Swagel

Samuel Walhout

Dan Wexler

Warren

Jordan

Area Man Wondering If Anyone Knows Song He Thinking Of, It Goes Like Bwawawawa, Bow Wow, Flaaaanggg

BY SAM COLT-SIMONDS

Sources report area man Greg Shandy has been walking around all day approach ing his friends asking if they can tell him the name of the song he’s thinking of; it goes like bwawawa, la la la, flang, flang.

“Please please please, I need your help,” pleaded Shandy as he started mim ing sounds with his body, “it has sort of a bippity boppity melody? No? I think there’s this like post-contemporary midcentury mandolin solo? Agh, it goes sort of like yaooo yao yao yao, boodoobop, slaaaawwoooo!”

“Can you google this sound for me?,” begged Shandy to his recoiling friends, “Wham bam bam wham, uh huh baby. I think it has a part that’s like, heyyy, your

Report: Awww! New Campus Therapy Dog Just Tore Apart That Squirrel

BY LILY STARRS

Sources on the Main green report that, awwwwww, an adorable new campus therapy dog is tearing apart a squirrel with his teeth.

“Awww, look how cute she is!” re marked student Jane Whitaker, watching teeth-bearing therapy dog Elvy bound after a traumatized squirrel. “Elvy is such a professional during our therapy sessions together, so it is so nice to see her unwind and just be a dog for a little while.”

“Therapists have to deal with their trauma, too, and this is such a healthy out let for her,” said Whitaker, proudly watch ing Elvy skin and decapitate the corpse of her latest victim before licking her chops clean. “Maybe this meal will revitalize her energy for our next session together.”

“This semester got really tough after my parent’s divorce, but Elvy has been helping me get through it,” said Whita

ker, tenderly wiping blood from the dog’s whiskers. “During these tough times, just being in the presence of such a loving, sweet animal makes a huge difference. She always lets me have a hug when I need one.”

At press time, Elvy was playing fetch with students while keeping a close eye on a nest of newly hatched baby birds.

VAN FROM PAGE A1

they took action, forcefully abducting that girl and saving her from imminent peril.”

At press time, a student taking a mental health-induced leave of absence escaped the lengthy wait for a CAPS ap pointment.

EYEBALLS FROM PAGE A1

tion would be useful for the final exam.

“Here is his hair, once so fair, and here is his blood, congealed like mud,” continued professor Jacobsohn through plastic fangs, cackling as he handed a bowl of corn silk and a bowl of ketchup to his students. “Remember to take note of everything you feel here as it’s impor tant to your studies to understand how a body decomposes. But also know that every Halloween night, the patient’s spirit rises again and takes revenge on the living! Boo!”

At press time, Urban Studies stu dents were tasked to conduct research on Providence neighborhoods by going door to door asking for candy.

Bird Just Gonna Sit On Telephone Wire Until It Dies

BY DANA HERRNSTADT

Sources close to a local sparrow

firm that he’s

“I

then

a commercial strip right below me, so there’s pretty great people-watching, and I get to block the way of squirrels scur rying across. On the whole, there’s not much more I could ask for in the time be fore I go belly-up.”

“Sure, I once wanted a family, a career, but then I realized that what I truly need has always been right here, on this tele phone wire,” he said, snapping up a small caterpillar in his beak. “Of course, I have some regrets, but sitting on this same wire for years isn’t one of them. In any case, I’m satisfied with the life I’m living, where I just sit right here on this telephone wire until I bite the dust.”

“It’s a nice life, I guess,” the spar

continued, gesturing with his wing toward the thin, precarious expanse of telephone wire. “I can’t complain. There’s

At press time, sources close to a lo cal gopher confirmed that she’s good just squatting in this ground hole until she croaks.

body is a nightmareee. Nothing? Fuck.”

At press time, Shandy remembered the song he was thinking of was actually a tune he’d made up to try and remember

his Gmail password, which he still doesn’t remember.

He’s thinking of “Mystery of Love” by Sufjan Stevens

She’s technically a “community outreach” dog

Reslife Replaces Housing Lottery With Direct Appeal To God

BY HIGHER POWER

In an attempt to streamline a process criticized by students as complex and inef ficient, ResLife has announced that they have replaced the housing lottery with a direct appeal to God.

“In order to secure housing for the 2023-2024 academic year, all you have to do is pray that it’ll work out,” wrote ResLife president Julie Bloomberg in an email to students. “Everyone will get housing somehow, but it’s no longer up to us where you end up. That’s something only the Lord can know.”

According to ResLife, in order to have a better chance of living with a preferred housing group, students should keep each other’s names in their prayers. For stu

dents who require special accommodation due to physical needs, mental health con cerns, or religious demands, ResLife has recommended “praying harder.”

“To reiterate, these are but recommen dations. God works in mysterious ways, and He has His reasons for assigning you the housing He chooses.”

“Like you, we are but human and can not know the mind of God, so please do not ask us for information,” continued the email. “God has a plan for all of us, whether that be forced triple, Grad Center single, or a kick-ass suite in Barbour. You’ll be placed there for a reason you may not understand now but will later in life.”

“If you have an issue with where you’ve ended up, please do not hesitate to reach out to your personal religious leader who may help you find a path towards accep

tance.”

At press time, students with relatives on the board still somehow managed to already secure the best housing.

US News Ranks Brown

First For Concealing Your Prep School Background

BY DECLAN JOHNSON

Releasing their 2022 college rankings, US News & World Report has ranked Brown as the best college environment for concealing the fact that you went to prep school.

“Though we want to make sure NYU and Amherst aren’t forgotten in the hype, there truly is no place like Brown for cam

ouflaging yourself as someone who had an educational experience that could even remotely be described as average,” said top US News university analyst Silvio Choi.

“We found it to be as easy as getting a nose ring and buying some old baggy pants.”

The report specifically cited “the gen eral proletarian mood of the campus de spite its highest-average family income in the Ivy League.”

“This came as no surprise because Brown students have always been self-

definers,” said former Milton Academy student Chase Andova ‘25. “But I per sonally couldn’t believe how easy it was to just start saying ‘back in ‘high school’’ and then drop a false story about how gross my school lunch was. I got so much more clout.”

Meanwhile, the report also ranks RISD as the best college for concealing the fact you hit-and-ran someone back in Portland.

Report: Indie Boy Will Fuck You Up Three Months For Every Necklace He Wears

BY SORRY BABE

According to a recent report released by the Journal of Non-Mainstream Be havior, an indie boy will fuck you up three months for every necklace he wears. “The composition doesn’t matter: pearl chok er, classic chain, ironic cross, or beaded yarn that spells out ‘eat the rich,’” said lead researcher Rodney Bishop, running some tests to see if thrifted necklaces produce different results from those purchased at Urban Outfitters. “There is a direct link between the number of necklaces worn by an indie boy and how emotionally fucked up you will be when the relation ship inevitably ends." The report also indicated a strong correlation between an indie boy’s nail polish color and his pre ferred form of emotional manipulation.

in

DPS Warning Not Timely Enough

BY ARIEL STEIN

Reports indicate that DPS’s recent timely warning wasn’t nearly timely enough. “The Brown University Depart ment of Public Safety was notified of an incident at approximately 9:00 AM to

day,” began the 11:00 PM email. “It is our expectation that this message will allow students to promptly leave the affected area and take swift measures to protect themselves.” At press time, DPS urged students to avoid assault by being extra aware of their surroundings.

BY ANNIE CIMACK

According to her classmates, Julia Puck ‘26 is nowhere near good enough an artist to justify her use of fancy pens.

“When I first saw them, I was kind of con fused. She never does more than just take some notes, and, maybe once in a while, a little doodle of a flower or an eyeball

in the margin. But she’s using the really good pens,” stated fellow student Maggie Fitz ‘26 as she watched Puck draw a stick figure family on the bottom of her assign ment. “I mean, those bad boys must cost $30 easy. I’m just not sure why she’d make an investment like that if she wasn’t going to do, you know, actual art.” At press time, Puck was looking for another excuse to go to Blick.

Our Father,

residential office space,

University Public Health Officials

Concocting New Virus In Desperate Bid To Stay Relevant

A Capella Group Under Impression Their Show’s Tickets Have Monetary Value

BY SAM WALHOUT

Sources report that scholars in the Brown University School of Public Health are hard at work manufacturing the release of a new virus in order to regain their rel evance.

“I just really miss feeling important,” said the dean of the School of Public Health, Dr. Megan Ranney. “Last year I got to go on CNN and send emails out to the whole campus two or three times a day. Now I’m just lucky to set up a flu shot

clinic.”

“You know, back in the good old days of COVID, I could get a meeting with President Paxson whenever I wanted! Now I have to go through her secretary.” complained Ranney, absentmindedly twirling around several vials filled with green liquids. “I’m just not feeling the love right now, and I think a new disease could change that.”

At press time, Ranney could be found placing new signs around the libraries fea turing children thanking you for wearing a mask.

Everyone In The Underground Pretending They In A Real Coffee Shop

BY JUMP

Typing away on their laptops as though they weren’t working on plastic tables in a room staffed by students in barista costumes, everyone in The Un derground is pretending they’re in a real coffee shop.

“This is one of my favorite places to come grab a drink and a pastry anywhere in Providence” said junior Jason Depot, pretending he was sipping a fair-trade dark roast in a local coffee house and not just drinking coffee sourced from a real

cafe in the basement of the Stephen Rob ert ’62 Campus Center. “The vibes are just amazing and I feed off of the good energy in here.”

At press time everyone in List Art center was pretending they were in a real art museum.

BY SHOOP SHOOP

Begrudgingly pulling out their wallets, annoyed sources report that Brown Uni versity a capella group Bearly Harmonic is under the impression that tickets to their upcoming show have monetary value.

“Hey there, are you interested in at tending the a capella show of the semester for just $5?” called member Sammy Garth from across the Main Green, utterly con vinced that passersby would pay to listen

to poorly arranged hip hop covers. “Bring a friend, too!”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get your money’s worth,” added Garth, referring to audi ence members’ chance to hear one-anda-half hours of amateur singing accompa nied by one aggressive beatboxer. “We’ve been practicing a lot for this one!”

“If you want, we can give you a little preview right now, but you’ll need a ticket to hear the whole thing,” said Garth, bliss fully unaware that he is selling a product which appeals to zero potential custom ers. “1, 2, 3, 4…”

At press time, a student improv show’s “suggested donation” was set very gener ously.

University Laments Unpredictable Flooding That Occurs Every Time It Rains

BY DRIP DROP

Earlier this week, Brown University officials expressed frustration over the impossible-to-foresee flooding of build ings across campus that flood every time it rains.

“There is just absolutely no way to predict the way that rain flows from high areas to low areas, and prepare for that fact,” stated a genuinely baffled unnamed University official. “It just makes me feel so helpless that students’ belongings are

being destroyed thanks to the random ness of nature and the laws of physics.”

“Fluid dynamics and weather patterns are both incredibly complicated subjects, and even with the resources available here at Brown, no one could possibly model how and where rain will go,” continued the University official, dramatically draw ing a question mark on a topological map of the University. “Everytime you think you have a theory on which areas of cam pus will flood the next time it rains, the weather surprises you by flooding the exact same basements that always get

flooded.”

The University plans to go ahead with its initiative to install shag carpeting in ev ery basement on campus.

Student Really Overselling Fascination With

Dung Beetles For Free Kabob And

At Department-Sponsored Seminar

BY AIDAN BERMAN

Sources report that sophomore Brent Walker is really overselling his fascination with flightless dung beetles for free Kabob & Curry at department-sponsored semi nar.

“When I saw the announcement in To day@Brown last week about this thrilling biology seminar, I practically collapsed out of excitement,” explained Walker, staring in awe at the mountain of chicken tikka masala on his plate. “Flightless dung

beetles, or circellium bacchu as we biology connoisseurs call them, are just so spell binding. Did you know that they rely on the feces of rhinos and buffalos as a source of sustenance? That is just so goddamn crazy to me!”

“Now I know it might be hard to imagine, but flightless dung beetles can actually roll objects up to fifty times their own weight. No joke!” continued Walker, now noshing on the copious amount of vegetable samosas he got hold of. “And to think these species are also environmen tally friendly, helping to fertilize the soil as

Brown Facilities To Replace Broken Laundry Machines With Washboards And Clotheslines

BY JANE HWANG

Unable to shake their giddy smiles, the Brown Facilities Management recently an nounced plans to replace broken laundry machines with washboards and clothes lines.

“We believe that this is the perfect ini tiative to work toward a greener and more environmentally conscious community,” wrote Director of Facilities Management Joseph Belford in an email to the Brown community, adding that the changes in clude students traipsing down to the Prov idence River with a metal pail for water and a rag that used to be part of grandma’s apron. “Additionally, this change will al low us to double the amount of laundry facilities students can utilize at a time, and it will also teach students practical skills, like beating their shirts and pants with big

“We’re especially excited to install the clotheslines, which can hold an en tire dorm’s worth of hoodies,” continued Belford, pressing down on the pedal of his wooden spinning wheel to weave the clothesline faster. “Of course, should a stu dent need to report other facilities issues, our line is active 24/7."

At press time, ResLife was reportedly replacing the dispenser soap with lye.

they roll around animal excrement – wow! Is there anything flightless dung beetles aren’t capable of?”

At press time, Walker was seen discuss ing the need to destroy the dung beetle’s habitat to build more oil rigs at a recent Chevron networking event in Flatbread.

Newly Legalized Recreational Marijuana In Rhode Island Means 21+ Year Old Brown Students Can Finally Smoke Weed

BY C.B. DEE

Rhode Island plans to allow dispensa ries to begin selling recreational cannabis starting on December 1st, meaning stu

dents on campus will be able to try mari juana for the first time ever.

“I’m really excited to smoke weed for the first time ever! I’m super thankful for all the Rhode Island legislators and activ ists that are making it possible for students on campus to finally try pot! ” said Tyler

Thigsburton ‘23, with the air of a small child going trick or treating. “I feel bad for some of my friends that won’t turn 21 until later in the semester, but hopefully we can light up on their birthdays!”

At press time, 13 year olds were excited to watch their first PG-13 rated movie.

Freshman Friend Group Frantically Brainstorming 19-Person Costume

BY SPIRIT

As Halloweekend approaches, a freshman friend group is desperately try ing to come up with a 19-person group costume.

“Maybe we could go as the cast of Gossip Girl, but like also the characters who only had a one-episode storyline,” suggested leader of the group Renee Crinkle, certain that these 19 people would be her best friends for the rest of college. “Or what if we were an entire basketball team, including subs?”

“What if we went as the average size of a kindergarten class in a public elemen tary school?” added Crinkle optimisti cally, convinced that every person in the group is equally close friends with each other and must all be part of the same costume. “Hear me out – we could be the Duggars!”

At press time, the group decided to all just go as cowgirls because everyone already owned a flannel.

- former presidents - playing cards - petty crimes - bones in ear

My senior thesis is gonna be called “The Implications of Exchanging Insect Infor mation for Nutritional Gain”

Here are some great costume options for large groups:

Plants On Front Of Stage Indicate University Isn’t Fucking Around

BY DAN WEXLER

Sources report that Brown University admin have put plants on the front of the stage to indicate that they’re not fucking around.

“Someone important must be here to speak,” said freshman Ian Johnson as he passed by the Salomon auditorium, noticing the diverse and elaborate display

of flora lining the front of the stage. “A potential presidential candidate? Maybe a prestigious alum? I hope it’s a Hollywood celebrity.”

“The University really pulled out all the stops for this one,” continued Johnson, craning his neck for a better view of the lush green vegetation around the perim eter of the stage. “Where do they keep all these plants? They must be serious.”

At press time, a chocolate strawberry

Guy With Three Guitars In Dorm Only Plays A Little Bit, Not Really That Much

BY ALLISON STEIN

Junior James Clarkson, who keeps three guitars in his dorm, only plays a little and not actually a ton, he says.

“I’m definitely not a big guitar player, but here’s my acoustic guitar. I’ve had it forever, but not, like, super long. I would play for you, but I’m not great. Unless you want me to play for you. I guess I could maybe just do a few songs,” said Clarkson, gesturing at the array of instruments tak

ing up 30% of his floor space and lifting one of his three guitars. “This one’s my electric guitar, and of course the amp! Then, this one I take to the Main Green, because the others are too nice.”

“I don’t actually play that much, though. I’m really chill about it,” Clark son continued, contorting his fingers into complex chord sequences. “Just every once in a while when I feel like strumming a little something. I only go to a jam sesh every week or so. God, it would probably be so embarrassing if I played something for you right now. Wouldn’t it be crazy if I played something right now?”

At press time, members of Fashion@ Brown reportedly just threw something on this morning.

Student Lets Out Unconvincing “Ohhh” After Failing To Understand Explanation A Third Time

BY KENNEDY COMPTON

After the exaggerated “ohhh” that left student John Berry’s mouth, it was clear he did not understand the explanation.

“First he crossed his arms, leaned back and said ‘hmmm’ like he was thinking, but he held that position for too long to

be convincing,” said Berry’s Calculus TA Susie Knowlings. “I asked if he understood but he just held up a finger, and said he was ‘parsing the question’ before giving me a nod to continue.” Berry has yet to be seen since that session of Office Hours, his last words being his announcement that “he’s solved it.”

Professor Tops Off Soul-Crushing Problem Set With Silliest Word Problem Starring Self

BY DR GOOFBALL

Sources report that math professor Clarence Field just wrapped up the most brutal problem set imaginable with a silly little word problem featuring him self. The assignment consisted of nine painful multivariable calculus problems, including one that mathematicians have deemed insolvable, as well as a quirky little autobiographical word problem.

“The last question’s about me and my pet duck Joanie, who just got her driver’s license, going on a road trip to the St. Louis Arch in a world where gravity is presumed to be complexly time-variant and the earth exists as a hollow sphere which is permeable to hy pothetical space winds,” said Field, gig gling to himself about the complicated spatial reasoning and vicious quadruple

integral hidden in the silly story. “It’s just so goofy.”

“I do expect students to spend a mini mum of 15 hours suffering through this problem set,” Field continued, gleefully typing “NO CALCULATORS OR COL LABORATION ALLOWED :) HAVE FUN!!!” in a bold font at the top of the assignment. “But just think how lucky they are to spend days on this absolutely ridiculous problem about me and my pet duck, who I actually made up to be extra wacky.”

At press time, Field was crafting an extended 14-part murder mysterythemed question for the final to tank ev eryone’s grades once and for all.

display set up in the Ratty for parents’ weekend was demonstrating that the University is classy as hell.

But

Trust not but the wheel. It's our Constitution now.

Report: It Unclear Exactly What The Indy Independent From

BY EPHEMERA

According to a recent survey of Brown University student publications, it’s unclear precisely what The College Hill Independent, known as ‘The Indy,” thinks it’s independent from.

“When The Indy briefly lost its SAO funding earlier this semester due to a logistics miscommunication, my first thought was, ‘Wait, they receive uni versity funding?’” said Indy reader Lara Saltzmann ‘25, confused about how the Indy is any more independent than any other club at Brown. “I guess I just had assumed because of their name, that they were, you know, independent.”

Sources report that the majority of Brown students had just assumed that the Indy ran on ad sales or alumni funding to make them independent from the Uni

versity. If the Indy relies on funding from Brown, students wonder, wouldn’t it be deliberately misleading to call yourselves independent?

‘Maybe they’re independent because they have photography in their paper, so, like, they’re independent from conven tions? That seems a bit abstract,” contin ued Saltzmann, brainstorming theories for how the Indy’s name isn’t just lying. “I’m sure Brown doesn’t actually have a say in what they publish, but, like, they also don’t interfere with the routines of my Arial silks club, and we don’t go around calling ourselves The Providence Independent Arial Silks Team.”

According to the student publication survey, a review of the Brown Daily Her ald confirmed that maybe they could use some funding from the school.

Anatomy Student Caught Cheating During Midterm By Glancing At

Mirror

BY NO PEEKING

Anatomy student Luke Williams ‘26 is being charged with academic misconduct after allegedly looking at his reflection in a classroom window during an exam.

“I was sitting in Friedman taking my anatomy midterm, and I needed to refresh my memory so I took a quick peek at my self in the reflection from the window.” said Williams, denying any wrongdoing. “I was just using all of my available re

sources, is that a crime now?”

An architecture student was also ac cused of cheating after looking at the building she was taking her midterm in.

170 Person Mailroom Line All Worth It After Tearing Open Fresh Pack Of 16 Command Strips

SIGN

After watching the sun rise and set through the first floor windows of PageRobinson Hall, freshman Theo Spitzer is relieved that 170-person mailroom line proved to be completely worth the wait once he tore into a fresh pack of 16 com mand strips.

“The morning wasn’t too bad. It was during the afternoon and evening that the fatigue really started setting in,” said Spitzer, standing shoulder to shoulder with dozens of other students and strug gling to be heard over the blaring sound of the mailroom’s Pandora station. “But when I tore open that package and the smell of fresh command strip hit my nose, it made every second worth it.”

At press time, the 300-person Ratty line was totally worth it after biting into freshly mashed souffle.

Student In Nelson Without Earbuds Has To Lift To Bon Iver

BY NATHAN HARONIAN

After losing his airpods last Thurs day, sophomore Simon Hernandez was allegedly forced to listen to Bon Iver while lifting at the Nelson.

“I just don’t get how they pick songs. I can’t bench 225 listening to the wist

ful, indie folk pop lyrics of Skinny Love, it totally ruins the vibe,” reported Hernan dez. “I love Holocene as much as the next guy, hell I’ll even listen to Roslyn once in a while. But those songs are only for when I’m hiking alone in a coniferous Vermont forest contemplating my existence, not when I’m hopped up on pre-workout try ing to max out my deadlift.”

When asked what he would prefer in stead, Hernandez recommended that they use the V Dub’s playlist.

Area Girl Ignores BeReal Notification Because She

Not At Party Yet

BY PHOTO READY

Sources report that area girl Sarah Miller is ignoring her BeReal because she’s not yet at a party.

“Oh, I got a BeReal notification! I love how this app allows people to share their lives without the fakeness of Insta gram and stuff,” said Miller, knowing full well she won’t take her BeReal until sur rounded by acquaintances and bathed in colored light. “Though to be honest, I’m not really the type to check my phone all that often, so my BeReals end up like, 22 hours late all the time.”

“Actually, I think it kind of says some thing about you if you post your BeReal right when it drops,” Miller added, de bating whether it would look better to

Time to BeReal!

to!

take the BeReal during the pregame or during the actual party. “Because that kind of means that you’re on your phone con stantly, which is not a good look.”

At press time, Miller was busy deciding

which of two near-identical

she should choose for the

in her Instagram

dump.

You can’t even hear your name over the smooth tones of One Republic

min left to capture a BeReal and see what your friends

No

Brown University To Shut Down After Failing To Attend Mandatory SAO Workshop

DPS Email Reveals Most Hurtful Non-Lethal Projectiles: Words

BY STICKS N’ STONES

In a timely warning email to the cam pus community, the Brown Department of Public Safety revealed the most hurtful non-lethal projectiles: words.

“After a lengthy review we have concluded that bb gun pellets can leave blisters on the skin’s surface,” explained head of DPS Stanley Thumms, writing the campus-wide email wearing a baggy cashmere sweater and sipping warm chamomile tea. “But a couple cruel

words can pierce something far below the surface: your soul.”

“A well-placed paintball had the poten tial to cause a blunt force injury and mod erately severe welts,” Thumms continued, whispering affirmations to himself while wrapped in a weighted blanket. “But just a few inconsiderate words can hurt some thing far more important: your feelings.”

At press time DPS reminded students that amidst a wave of local break-ins, they must remember that the worst thing you can break: someone’s heart.

BY OOPS!

Since its founding in 1764 by 18thcentury baptists, Brown has grown from a small college to one of the world’s most prestigious universities. However, after 258 years of accreditation, Brown Univer sity officially shut down today after failing to attend a mandatory SAO event plan ning workshop.

“We make it very clear that all organi zations must attend Event Planning 101, a single, half-hour meeting at the beginning of the academic year to maintain their ac tive status,” said the director of the Student Activities Office Steven Brenner ‘15, as a wrecking ball began University Hall’s de molition process. “We just want to ensure that all groups know how to host events safely. With hundreds of classes, speakers, panels, and galas offered each semester, Brown hosts a tremendous amount of

events, and we cannot allow them to con tinue if they don’t know how to fill out the proper registration forms.”

Christina Paxson, the president of the former university, frames Brown’s deacti vation as a punishment too extreme for a simple logistical miscommunication, but according to the SAO, they attempted to reach Brown administration many times over the summer but were met with no response.

The University was further chastised for attempting to raise money with a Go FundMe campaign, with which it raised almost 6,000 dollars. However, the Brown administration was forced to abandon the online fundraiser after it was found to go against SAO monetary policies.

“Just because the organization receives a budget of 7 billion dollars, substantially higher than any other campus organiza tion, doesn’t mean that they are exempt

from SAO policy,” continued Brenner, as workmen continued transitioning Brown’s campus to a Harvard Extension School. “It really isn’t that hard to come to one small meeting in Kaspar where we have free pizza. If the organization can’t even do that, it shouldn’t be trusted with a budget. Besides, it’s not such a big deal; Brown can start up again when it reap plies for accreditation in 10 years.”

Without a school, Brown’s former students, faculty, and staff are being forced to make tough decisions, like whether to transfer to Tufts or drop out of college entirely.

Area Man Feeling Like Sex Machine After Putting On Roommate’s Cologne

Clever A Capella Group Now Incorporating Instruments To Distinguish Itself

BY PITCH PIPE

According to campus sources, Brown’s newest a capella group, the Orchestars, has distinguished itself from campus’ many other a cappella groups through playing instruments alongside the classic all-vocal style.

The Orchestars’ groundbreaking fall show consisted of a glorious mix of dis

cordant instruments that nearly covered up the group’s vocal harmonies and beat boxing. Audience members report being thrilled to finally hear an a capella group do something unique.

“With such a dense concentration of a capella groups on campus, filling pretty much every niche imaginable, we needed a way to stand out,” said Orchestars presi dent Sean McMasters while cranking the volume on his guitar amp. “And the an swer was almost too easy: musical instru

ments!”

“Honestly, I can’t believe no one’s thought of performing a capella with in struments before,” said freshman member Clara Anderson, rehearsing Ed Sheeran songs on her keyboard. “I really think we can revolutionize the a capella world.”

Elsewhere on campus, the sailing team was preparing to dominate their op ponents with their newly acquired motor.

BY SPENCER KNERR

Sources report that area man Simon Byrne is feeling like a sex machine after putting on his roommate Jeff’s cologne.

“Man, I feel like I’m exuding phero mones right now!” Byrne declared af ter spraying some of Jeff’s Chanel Eau d’Homme on every surface of his body.

“If I wear this to the party tonight, I will one hundred percent get laid.”

“No wonder Jeff is such a womaniz er,” Byrne added, taking in an extra whiff of the musky teakwood scent to bolster

his confidence. “Ooh, I’m gonna break some hearts tonight. And some backs!”

At press time, Byrne was feeling like a brilliant scientist after putting on his blue-light glasses.

They

Hubba hubba!

Fake ID Look Super Real Except For Name, Age, Address, Photo, Texture

John Carter Brown Library Construction Halted After Realization No One Ever Been There

BY HAFFENREFFER

A recent statement by the Brown Cor poration Board of Trustees announced that the current construction on the John Carter Brown Library will be halted after the realization that no one has ever been there.

“The renovation of the John Carter Brown library was a very exciting initia tive that we on the Board expected to have a huge positive impact on students’ ability to access the JCB’s extensive offerings,” said Brown Trustee Frank Krout, using a shredder to dispose of an enormous pile of blueprints and contracts. “But unfortu nately the project became impossible for us to justify from a budgetary perspective after we realized that literally no one has ever stepped foot inside the building.”

“The John Carter Brown library is the jewel in the crown of Brown Univer sity’s archive with a collection of histori cal documents that is unmatched by any

I don’t even know where this is. What even is this place?

other American university,” added Krout, imagining what it might look like inside and what sort of books could be in there.

“But despite how incredibly important the JCB is, we decided it would ultimately be a mistake to renovate it given the fact

that none of us had even the slightest clue where it was.”

At press time construction on the Brown Observatory was resumed upon the realization that we even have one of those.

BY FOR JERRY

According to squinting sources, soph omore Barry Fenton’s fake ID looks super real except for the name, age, address, photo, and texture.

“It’s almost perfect,” Fenton said proudly, trying his very best to look the part of a 26-year-old named Broderich Plumlet-Manterfield. “My buddy from North Dakota says it looks just like a real North Dakota ID!"

“The ID picture looks pretty good too,” Fenton added, pointing at an over exposed photo of a boy who only vaguely

resembles him. “Especially if I’m wearing glasses or a hood that covers most of my face.”

“It works like 40% of the time,” Fen ton continued, slightly bending the ID and creating a permanent crease down the middle. “If the lighting is super low or the bouncer isn’t really paying atten tion, I guarantee I can get in just about anywhere.”

At press time, Fenton was seen wear ing a gray wig and mustache to try to get a senior discount.

Student Who “Read An Article

On This” Actually Watched TikTok

BY SCHOLAR

Despite claiming to have read an ar ticle on this, Rodney Wilson has actually just watched a TikTok video.

“Here are the top five things I would never try to sneak into Disneyland,” start ed Wilson to his friends, “according to the New York Times…”

“You guys won’t believe these secrets to a flat tummy and a fat dumpy that the Wall Street Journal just published,” he

exclaimed to side eyes from his clique, all of whom have become aware of Wilson’s miscrediting “from a registered dietician.”

“I’m writing a research paper, and the essay topic is cognitive development from birth to age five,” he explained, “I don’t see how ‘8 Things Bill Gates Did As A Baby’ is irrelevant information, especially when it comes from The Post.”

At press time, another student who “loved that book” had actually just seen the movie.

CS-Econ TA Leads Ice Breaker of Naming Favorite Insidious Global Conglomerates

BY YASMEEN GABER

Sources in a discussion section for ECON1300 Transnational Digital Labor Markets report that CS-Econ TA Eller Van Smythe III lead an icebreaker of nam ing everyone’s favorite insidious global conglomerates.

“Mine has definitely got to be Meta,” Van Smythe said to his discussion section of future white-collar criminals. “It’s kind

of inspiring that they’ve been able to steal all that data and make a huge profit from it.”

Van Smythe encouraged timid fresh man Nathan Skerritt to join in. “Um, I guess mine is maybe Amazon?” said Sker ritt, worried that Amazon wasn’t insidious enough for his passionate classmates. “I know they deliver packages, but I really admire how they’ve outcompeted every small business through worker exploita tion.”

Van Smythe reassured Skerritt that his choice was perfectly insidious enough. “Think about the global hegemony of Amazon,” Van Smythe said, giddy at the thought of global domination. “No one else is monopolizing cloud storage, retail sales, and way more sectors than we’re even conscious of.”

At press time, Van Smythe was leading his group in a discussion of their favor ite ways to package and resell worthless NFTs to unsuspecting customers.

Consulting Club Members Develop Strong Passion for Consulting

BY NICO PEREIRA-ARIAS

Sources report that members of Con sultingPAX, one of the consulting clubs at Brown, have somehow developed a strong passion for consulting.

“It’s all about the thrill of solving real-world problems," exclaimed e-board member Duncan Klein, completing his fourth hour of data entry of the day. “All of our enthusiastic members show up to our daily meetings ready to engage in the elec trifying responsibility of recommending things to organizations. They really make the art of providing opinions to companies and individuals better.”

The club has maintained their mission to create an “inclusive, welcoming, and open environment for any Brown student who wishes to explore consulting” since

its creation. This year, they admitted a whopping 0.02% of applicants, all eager to provide strategies and analysis to corpora tions.

“We’re all just really devoted to creat ing positive change in the world through working with companies to solve busi ness challenges,” Klein noted, polishing

his cover letter for a McKinsey internship. “Our multi-billion dollar clients need us to help them analyze how to improve busi ness performance, and we’re thrilled to provide.”

At press time, not a single club mem ber was able to define what they do.

Wall Street, here we come!

Film Bro Lauds Martin Scorsese's Range From Blue-

to White-Collar Organized Criminals

Student Approved For Emotional Support LiveIn Boyfriend

BY HE’S SO CUTE!

His favorite word is “hegemony”

BY SPIELBERG

According to sources, film bro and MCM concentrator Max Markwith has lauded Martin Scorsese’s range from bluecollar organized criminals to white-collar organized criminals.

“I mean, Goodfellas? Wolf of Wall Street? Those movies are just so different,” said Markwith, referring to the different kinds of felonies committed in Scorsese films. “Scorsese’s got a diverse array of in

terests.”

“Only Scorsese could take us from a mob hangout where men are conspiring to commit crimes to an office where men are conspiring to commit crimes,” Mark with said, marveling at the wide variety of tableaux that Scorsese crafts. “I mean, he’s just a renaissance man.”

At press time, Markwith was praising Damien Chazelle’s range from white jazz musicians in New York to white jazz musi cians in LA.

Underground To Accept Spoken Word About Your Mother as Currency

BY SNAPS

Nodding their heads in appreciation and snapping when they hear something they like, sources report that student-run coffee shop The Underground is accepting spoken word about your mother as cur rency.

“Your oat latte is either $6.75 or a twoto-five minute performance detailing how your mother used to tenderly braid your hair, but stopped when you turned thirteen,” said barista Greer Buckles, pre paring a microphone for the impromptu

poetry slam. “I’ll throw in a donut if you can work in a stanza or two on how she permanently damaged your body image.”

“I’m going to need you to evoke how fraught the mother-daughter relationship is,” added Buckles, dimming the lights to get the creative juices flowing. “Let’s start with: why did she love your older sister so much more than you?”

At press time, the Underground was piloting a contactless payment method for customers to purchase coffee by badly playing Phoebe Bridgers songs on acous tic guitar.

Psyching himself up to press “post” on Student Brenda Jacks has become the first student approved for an emotional sup port live-in boyfriend.

“He’s here all the time,” says Jack’s suit emate Linda Shells, “When she leaves he just waits by the door for her to get back.”

“She says he gets two walks a day, end

less belly rubs, and a few hours of playtime on the XBOX” Shells told us, “but once she left him in here alone over a long week end. You should’ve seen what he did to our couch.”

“When she thinks he’s been ‘bad,’ she makes him sleep outside her door instead on the foot of her bed like usual,” Shells explained, “But, all he ever does is bring her iced lattes and rub her feet while she’s working.”

At press time Jacks was seen rubbing Duke’s stomach because “Who’s a good boyfriend?! You are Duke, you are!”

Report: This Corner Of The Table Really Bad At Rage Cage

BY CLARK OH

Super bored and offering half-hearted encouragement to their struggling gamemates, a local source reported that this corner of the table was really bad at Rage Cage.

“Yeah this game is harder than it looks. I get that the table is sticky, and maybe someone could turn the lights on, but that entire corner of the table is atrociously bad at the one objective in the game," said Rory Chapman ’26, having al ready grabbed Jo’s and come back while the players from the corner chased the ball around the room. “How do they lose the ball in the other room? You’re literally bouncing it four inches in the air."

At press time Chapman was found wondering if finishing the game sober means he won or lost the drinking game.

Boyfriend kibble is Totino’s pizza rolls

Family Shared iCloud Fucked Up Beyond Repair

Disney Channel Boyfriends Announce Plans To Wear Shirt On Top Of Other Shirt

BY MANY LAYERS

Popping kick-flips on their skate boards before homeroom, TV’s Disney Channel boyfriends recently announced plans to wear a shirt on top of a different shirt.

BY TIM COOK

After noticing she had 8,000 new pho tos and 2,000 new text messages, Sharon Swiss realized that her family’s shared iCloud is fucked up beyond repair. “When I looked at my photos there were 250 pic tures of just the inside of my dad’s pocket

and I think I get a notification every time my sister gets an email, text or Snapchat,” Swiss said, burying her phone deep in her pocket to silence the constant buzzing. At press time, Swiss has been permanently locked out of her Game Pigeon account.

Area Man Eating Qdoba Even Though He Not In Airport

BY WEARY TRAVELER

According to Doordash driver Wil son Lawlor, he was tasked with picking up an area man’s food from the Mexican chain restaurant Qdoba, even though the man wasn’t even stuck in an airport. “I’m a bit confused why anyone would eat Qdoba in the real world; I had assumed that you only ate Qdoba when you had to kill time during a layover,” said Lawlor a bit shocked to drive up to the Fall River,

Massachusetts Qdoba and see that the chain really does exist outside of airports.

“I just don’t understand why you’d will ingly order Qdoba. The only reason I’d think people would eat there is that they want something a bit more substantial than a sandwich from the Hudson News, but don’t actually want to sit down at the weird bar slash seafood restaurant. I mean, why not just get Chipotle?” At press time, people stuck in an Amtrack station would kill for there to be a Qdoba there.

“I was originally just gonna wear one long-sleeved shirt, but then I saw this tshirt and decided it would be pretty rad if I threw it on top,” said Disney boyfriend Chase Johnson, running a hand through his floppy, dyed-blond hair. “Sometimes I like to put a solid-colored shirt over a striped shirt, but sometimes I like to do two different shades of the same color. Sometimes I even mix and match different patterns!”

“On occasion, I’ll go a little crazy and wear an open button-down shirt over another shirt, usually some kind of graphic tee that alludes to my social status as a dopey but loveable boy-next-door,”

Johnson continued, leaning against his brightly-colored locker and clutching his brightly-colored backpack. “But that’s really just for special occasions. Usually, I just like a classic t-shirt over a different

long-sleeved shirt.”

At press time, Nickelodeon bad boys announced plans to sign up for Battle of the Bands and get frosted tips.

Snivelly Guy The Type To Ask Genie For More Wishes

BY SNIDELY WHIPLASH

Sources report that snivelly guy Cyrus Jones, who can be found at the Atheneum conspicuously reading ‘In finite Jest,’ is totally the type to use his

one wish to ask a genie for more wishes. “Most of his sentences seem to start with ‘Um, actually,” then he launches into some semantic analysis of why ev erything you just said was wrong,” said classmate Nicki Dermott, sideways glancing in Jones’ direction. “Once he

even corrected me on whether I ‘can go to the bathroom’ versus ‘may go to the bathroom.’

Mystical sources report that the genie is the type to totally smite Jones for being annoying.

Woman Thinks Of The Perfect Tweet For Seven Years Ago

BY MISS D'OPPORTUNITY

BY SO SAAD

Local woman Meghan Donovan has started referring to her regular depression as “seasonal” now that it’s October.

“It’s just been so hard finding joy in my life now that it’s cloudy and cold all the time and my seasonal depression is kicking in,” said Donovan, ignoring the fact that she’s taken Prozac every morn ing for the past three years. “At the end of the day, I just curl up in my bed and try not to think about the inevitability of my mortality, but only because the sun sets

by seven o’clock now. I swear, if it was 70 degrees and sunny, I’d be a totally differ ent person.”

“And I won’t be able to leave my room anytime soon since there’s rain in the fore cast for the next four days,” sighed Dono van, who has rarely left her room since May. “I hate what this month specifically does to my mental health.”

At press time, local man James Torin was calling his constant state of frenzy a “mid-life crisis” now that he’s 40.

Local Twitter user Meghan Jinkle has just thought of what would’ve been a perfect tweet about seven years ago. “Ah, shit! Why did I just think of this now?” stated Jinkle, who, at that very moment, had realized that Pompeii was kind of the first mannequin challenge. “Damn, there’s no way that’s relevant anymore. Why couldn’t I have had this idea seven years ago, when people would have cared? What a waste.” At press time, Jinkle desperately wanted to post a picture of her friends’ feet in a circle on Instagram.

Sometimes,

henley!

Fun Airplane Safety Video Teaches Passengers How To Die Painlessly In Ocean Via Song

taching an oxygen mask to avoid asphyxia tion or something, but I don’t remember.”

Injecting a bit of silly fun into its flights, United Airlines has replaced its boring preflight announcement with a fun, new safety video that teaches passengers how to die painlessly in the ocean via song.

“The music video began on the streets of Rio De Janeiro, where a slow-motion shot captured the eclectic joy of Carnival,” said delighted sources watching the video, which is the only thing ensuring their wa tery deaths won’t be agonizing and slow.

“The parade floats were being directed by those airport people with glowing orange batons, and the United CEO welcomed us aboard! He also said something about at

Sources on the plane report that the music video then did a cool-as-hell smash cut to a British man’s parlor, where he reads an oversized version of the safety pamphlet. When he moves it from his face, he is revealed to be none other than Golden Globe-winning actor Hugh Grant! Report edly, United paid him 10 million dollars to say something about where exit rows are to escape a mid-air fire or whatever. Reports are inconclusive as to what he said pre cisely.

“Then an airplane in the safety video turned into a spaceship that was being pi loted by Marvel’s Baby Groot! It was epic,” said the mesmerized passengers, who are

Cowboy Wonderin' What A Darlin’ Little Lady Like You Doing In A Saloon Like This

BY OLIVIA GOLUBOWSKI

According to recent reports, that cow boy over there’s real darn curious what a darlin’ little lady like you is doin’ in a saloon like this. “Now howdy there, little lady. I ain’t one to intrude,” he said, tip ping his straw hat and twirling the pistols on each of his hips. “But I just couldn’t

help but be wonderin’ what a sweet little cowgirl like you’s doin’ in these parts. This ain’t no place to be foolin’ around. Look-ee here, just last week we had a gang of bandits come on into town. Little lady, I’m no sheriff myself, but when it comes to doin’ a quick draw with some bandits, yes sirree, I’m quite the law man." At press time, the cowboy paid for a shot of whisky with one big, heavy coin.

Trader Joe's Going To Gentrify Community, Claims Student At Whole Foods

BY TROPICAL PARADISE

From inside a Whole Foods, junior Maria Mather claimed that Trader Joe’s is going to gentrify the local community.

“It’s going to seriously drive up prop erty values,” said Mather, inside a Whole Foods that used to be a local antique shop and a mom-and-pop grocery store. “I guess some students just don’t care about

the impact of their needs on the larger community.”

“What’s so special about a store like Trader Joe’s, anyway?” Mather asked, purchasing all of her ingredients from Whole Foods’s uniform 365 brand. “It completely erases the area’s unique cul ture and relationship to food products.”

At press time, Mather was heard boy cotting the Amazon Alexa by talking into a Google Nest.

uniformly unprepared for any emergency as they soar 30,000 feet in the air. “Baby Groot told us about how to put on a life vest so we won’t drown in the icy Atlantic, but we couldn’t understand him because he only says ‘I am Groot!’ Like in the movie! How fun!”

Sources confirm the spaceship in the video then landed in Times Square where passengers did a real-life flash mob. The crouching move the dancers kept doing was reportedly a way to demonstrate the position passengers should form if the plane’s engines fail so that their necks will break immediately upon impact.

At press time, the only in-flight enter tainment was 2 Broke Girls or the safety video again.

Hunter Scrambling To Protect Endangered Species So He Can Get Chance To Shoot Them

BY ILL INTENTIONED

In response to the endless stream of disheartening news stories, local hunter Tanner Klunk is scrambling to protect the world’s endangered species so he doesn’t miss out on the chance to go shoot them.

“Someone has to look out for these species, and I’m taking it upon myself to help in any way I can,” Klunk said, polish ing the barrel of his shotgun with an oily rag. “How dumb are we as humans to let all these critters die of climate change when that means we'll never get the chance to shoot them to death with a gun?”

“I’ve donated tens of thousands of dollars to conservation groups, transi tioned to paper straws, and gone vegan,” Klunk continued, carefully arming a bear

trap with the hopes of ensnaring a beast whose species is scientifically classified as endangered. “And I’m really optimis tic that if everyone makes little changes in their own lives, we can reach a point where I won’t have to wonder if I’ll ever

get the chance to brutally kill these ani mals in their natural habitats.”

At press time, local loggers were franti cally preventing forest fires so they could get a chance to clear-cut the forests them selves.

Report: Mom Talking About Nightly Newscaster Like They Were High School Sweethearts

BY THIS JUST IN

According to a recent report, mere minutes into the 7:00 PM news, local mom Ellie Wahlberg was talking about nightly newscaster like they were high school sweethearts.

“Oh my gosh, I love when he wears that suit. I always hope he wears it be cause he seems so confident in it,” said Wahlberg, eyes transfixed on the TV while fiddling with her braid as though this stranger on TV was the man to whom she lost her virginity on that

moonlit evening after junior prom. “And I think he’s doing something new with his hair. It looks a little curlier today.”

“They don’t make them like that any more, I’ll tell you that,” Wahlberg contin ued, giddy like she were looking at the the hunk with whom she used to fool around at the drive-in movie theater. “He’s such a jokester, but he can be so stern and serious when he needs to be. And he’s so sweet. Can’t you just tell he’s sweet?”

At press time, local dad Tom Kinney was talking about national politician like they were in rival old-timey gangs.

Jake Tapper’s

Trader Joe’s Trying To Convince You That Pumpkin Spice Calamari A Thing

BY WHY?

Sources report from the frozen aisle that Trader Joe’s is trying to convince you that pumpkin spice calamari is a thing.

“Mmm…bite into an autumnal taste of the seashore!” read the Trader Joe’s pack aging, asserting that pumpkin spice cala mari was a perfectly normal food item to consume. “Cozy up to the fireplace with a warm mug of cider and a steaming plate of

spiced squid.”

“It’s like a slice of pumpkin pie and a greasy clam shack had a baby!” continued the packaging, somehow maintaining that this combination was appealing in any way. “Move over, lattes…a new pumpkin spice favorite is in town.”

At press time, a Trader Joe’s employee was suggesting that you pair the calamari with their new cookie-butter infused tar tar sauce.

Nation's TV Moms Announce Plans to Clutch Mug, Tip Head to Side

BY LINDA

America’s TV Moms have just released their plans to hold their mug with both hands and lovingly tilt their head to the side.

“We are just so proud of those kids,”

said local mom Jean Mackintire as she leaned one arm against the countertop, “they just won’t stop growing up! I feel like it was only yesterday they were in diapers. And it wasn’t easy. I earned these crow’s feet!”

She chuckled, deftly sweeping aside stray bangs from her forehead.

“Kids! I made chicken nuggets!” cried Mackintire as she wiped her hands off on her monogrammed non-branded ‘Mom’ apron. “I do it for those smiles!”

At press time, America's TV dads an nounced plans to sit at the breakfast table and read a huge newspaper.

Friend With Car Demoted in Group Hierarchy to Downton Abbey-Era Chauffeur

Goofy Passengers Draw Penis On Forehead Of Passed Out Pilot

BY MILE HIGH

Chortling in a huddled circle, a bunch of silly pranksters Sharpied a pe nis onto the forehead of their passed-out pilot.

"My favorite moment was when Steve added a few curly pubes to the balls," said goof-off Evan Gregs, hurtling over the Atlantic Ocean at 750 miles per hour. "How'd this guy even get through

pilot school being such a lightweight?"

"Chris got a little too into it at one point and started marionetting the pilot's arms into the Macarena," continued lov able rascal Dave Smith, losing 200 feet of altitude a second. "At that point, we all kinda had enough and went back to our seats to rewatch the Snapchat highlights."

Meanwhile, on Pennsylvania Avenue, a bunch of hooligans keeps duct-taping the guy carrying the nuclear football to the wall.

Momager Dropping Hints For Daughter To Hurry Up With First Scandal

BY SHOW BIZ

Sources report local momager Kris tin Burbia keeps dropping hints for her daughter to hurry up and get on with her first scandal.

a VHS camcorder from a drawer. “You know, you don’t have your whole life to wait for your very first. Time is ticking.”

BY JEEVES

Sources report that Kevin Baker, a friend with a car, has been demoted in his group hierarchy to a Downton Abbey-era chauffeur.

“My buddies used to, like, to hang out with me for me,” Baker said from the

kitchen as his friends dined in the drawing room. “But now all I hear is ‘Baker, bring the car around—we’re weekending in Newport.”

“They keep saying things like ‘I’ll need you to accompany me to the weed dispen sary in Massachusetts on Saturday,” Baker said while warming up the engine to give his passengers a pleasant ride. “I just don’t

have a life anymore outside of driving them around.”

At press time, Baker’s friends found out that he had a full kitchen and assigned him the roles of cook and scullery maid.

For her daughter’s first return home since leaving the house, Burbia report edly kept insinuating how happy it would make her to see her daughter take the plunge and commit some pub lic impropriety.

“Hey hon, how are things going with Dale? Are you guys ready for the next step?” asked Burbia, slowly pulling out

“Dale is great and your father and I love him, but we’re not totally sure he’s the right one to begin the next phase of your life with,” continued Burbia, casu ally setting down her phone open to Adam Levine’s Instagram direct messages. “One of the most beautiful moments of mo mager-hood would be seeing you blossom as a daughter and make the front page of People.”

At press time, Burbia was texting her daughter cute photos of babies born of no toriety.

Old Black And White Map Super Unclear Which Part Ocean And Which Land

BY AARRRGGHH

According to sources at sea, shitty 18thcentury sea captain Pino “No-Beard” Di Angelo says his black and white map makes it super hard to tell which part is land and which is ocean. “Well, if the ocean is this

inside part here, then we have a loooong way to go before we even see land,” said DiAngelo, holding the map upside down.

“But if it’s this part on the outside, then that would mean we reached our destina tion about three months ago. What do you reckon this part here is a river, or is that just a tea-stain? Hey who was it that burned all

the edges of this thing? That wasn’t a very smart decision.” At press time, DiAngelo thought everything seemed really far away until he realized he was looking through his spyglass the wrong way.

madam?

It’s a squid and it tastes like cinnamon

You Will Sing on the La Scala Opera Stage, Or Fleeing The Homeland Was All for Naught

BY COMPLEX YET TRAUMATIC STAGE MOM

You mustn’t think only of yourself, Oph elia. When the Homeland was under siege, we left for you, for YOU! We uprooted our lives to give you the opportunities we never had,

and for you to become the world’s preeminent coloratura soprano.

Don’t look back! Your place is in Milan now. You are the last remaining

hope of the family, and you must car ry our name to the glory of the most revered operatic stage in the world.

You have a gift, Ophelia, don’t forget that. You were born as the incarnation of greatness. Don’t squander that on laziness. This was your dream, Oph elia, it was OUR dream!

You can sleep when you’re dead. You mustn’t deny the world such tal

ent, such a gift! I’m sure that if your grandmother had lived to see this back in the Homeland, she would be brimming with such pride. To think, our little Ophelia, on the grand est stage in the world! It would have made all the suffering worth it for her.

I heard you say that you just don’t enjoy singing, but darling, we can’t always enjoy our destinies. You and your voice were put on this Earth to give us a new life, a better life, and you mustn’t jeopardize our best chance at survival. Think of your poor sister!

If you won’t do it for us, do it for yourself. Do it for the glory that is owed to you. Do it for the Homeland.

Don’t Play Monster Mash On Halloween

Unless You Listen To It Year-Round

BY @HALLOWEENFRK ON TWITTER

The word Halloween doesn’t appear in Bobby “Bo ris” Pickett’s 1954 folk clas sic “Monster Mash,” yet every late October, like clockwork, people who otherwise show no interest in the song are suddenly comfortable play ing it ad nauseum. It’s disrespectful to both the legacy of the artist and to the fans for whom the song has incredible meaning to ghettoize this beautiful

work to such a brief time of the year. Please, don’t play Monster Mash on Halloween unless you listen to it yearround.

The song begins with the mourn ful plaint of a man who was working in his lab late one night when his eyes beheld an eerie sight: a monster do ing a dance called the Monster Mash. What about that seems silly to you? What about that makes you think it would be appropriate to play at your little Halloween party? These lyrics

ask powerful questions about who our society deems monstrous, and we have a responsibility to consider those questions all year long.

The song continues by alluding to a bedroom where vampires feast and ghouls get a jolt from electrodes. How anyone could hear about either of those arresting images and hear some thing to carve a pumpkin to is beyond me. Vampires kill people. Is that fun to you? Ghouls are people who have died. Have a little respect.

But those aren’t the only partici pants in the graveyard smash, an event deemed nonnormative by those in positions of power. Borris’ lab is a wel coming place of refuge for zombies, people who have succumbed to dis ease; Wolfman, a man who must hide an integral part of his identity by liv ing in the woods; and of course, Igor, an abused lab assistant who lacks the facilities to recognize that his labor is exploited. Just because they all dance

to the “Transylvania Twist” and form a spooky rockin’ band called the “CryptKeeper Five” doesn’t mean their sto ries shouldn’t be treated with dignity whatever the season.

So next time you hear the immortal words “do the Monster Mash,” know that aren’t instructing you to dance; they’re asking you to listen.

Sure, Religious Freedom Is Great And All, But I Wish More People Remembered Me For My Rock Hard Abs

BY ROGER WILLIAMS

First off, I want to be absolutely clear: I am very much in favor of religious freedom. After all, I did found Providence in order to give people a place to worship free from fear of persecution. My issue is with the fact that religious freedom is pretty much all people remember me

for when in reality, there’s so much more to me. Namely, my rock-hard abs.

In my time, I advocated strongly for the separation of church and state, and I believed that forced worship was an affront to God. And that’s great and all.

It’s just too bad that all of the ab work outs I did got lost to time. Again, great

for the religious freedom and all, but damn, I worked hard on that physique.

I’m not sure where the miscom munication was. I do know that I wrote a few treatises on the liberty of conscience, and those seemed to re ally stick with people. Maybe I should have been more vocal about the whole abs-of-steel situation, or perhaps pub

lished something about them too.

It’s unfortunate that what I consid er to be my greatest accomplishment (my absolute washboard of a stom ach) wasn’t immortalized along with

anyway, but I guess I was wrong. What a terrible loss for us all.

My final hope is that the people of Providence continue to learn from my teachings and ideals as it’s our duty to respect our fellow man. Take with you this one last piece of wisdom: I had an absolutely killer six-pack, and not even God can give you one of those.

my other contributions to society. I would have thought that generations to come would have been much more interested in my tight, magnificent abs

BY CHET OF ARAGORN

It’s Brad you say you’ve encoun tered before, then just two more trials ‘fore you pass through the door. Have

you come empty-handed or bearing great gifts? A case or a bottle? A blunt or a spliff?

Brought with you eight Natty’s, half a pint of Everclear. Answer the last query correctly and you’ll all be

welcome here. With many a man this party is laden, have you come with fel low gents or a couple fair maidens?

Ah, how much you disapoint me, showing up with all gents so abruptly.

And with the final question your

ignorance shows, the party tonight is strictly for bros. Your presence grows poorly on me like a cyst, why would you should up if you're not on the list? You’ve failed and wasted our time, out of spite we’ll be keeping your liquor

and beer for the night.

Hey Girlie, Just Wanted To Tell You, My Friend Thinks You're Really Cute. Also He’s Running For State Senate, Can He Count On Your Vote?

BY CAMPAIGN MANAGER TESS

Hey girlie! Oh my gosh, so nice to meet you! My name is Tessarine, but you can call me Tess. I just wanted to come over and tell you that my friend over there thinks you’re really cute. And also he’s running for state senate, can he count on your vote? Yeah him over there in the khakis and

the Patagonia quarter-zip, yeah. He said he’s never seen a girl like you

permits, and he wanted to see if he could count on you in November.

is falling short on its fundraising goals this quarter, and he wanted to

cal campaign office address in case you’d be interested in going out to dinner or attending a ribbon cutting ceremony down at the new commu nity center.

before. He totally loves your style, and he said you have the prettiest smile he’s ever seen. Also he said you seem like you’d support his pro posed ban on new residential zoning

He kept going on and on about how beautiful your eyes were and about how you carried yourself with a con fidence he finds really attractive. He also mentioned that our campaign

know if you had the means to give even just a five dollar monthly do nation to help us reach our target. Anyways, if you’re interested, here’s his phone number, website and lo

BY CHIP GRILLHARD, JERSEY YOUTH SLUGGERS

Hey. You. You give ‘em hell out there, okay? You give ‘em damn hell.

I know it’s been a tough year. I know better than anyone. But you? You’ve got somethin’, kid. Somethin’ special. You’ve got moxie comin’

outta your ears, I can smell it from a mile away, and I know it’s scary, I know it is. But we’re all scared. All of us. And bein’ brave? Bein’ brave ain’t about not bein’ scared. It’s about bein’ scared and givin’ ‘em hell anyway.

Look at me. I said, LOOK AT ME. Look here, at me and nothin’ but me. I’ve gotta tell you, you’re more than you give yourself credit for. Loosen your goddamn shoulders, kid, hold your back up tall n’ proud, just like your ma taught you when you

couldn’t hardly walk. You get out there and you give ‘em straight hell, because you’ve got an ger burnin’ inside you like I’ve never seen, and you gotta use that anger to make things better or you’re gonna burn yourself out, kid. I’ve seen it

happen a million times. You’ve got an opportunity to change things. For the better. Hey. Don’t waste it. And, hey, remember to look ‘em in the eyes. And when you look ‘em in the eyes, remember to give ‘em hell. Damn hell.

Students Must Make Smart Choices And Buy Products From Companies That Sell Things

BY THE BDH OPINION SECTION

Wake up, Brown students. We’ve been asleep for too long. The world is burning and we’re all acting like noth ing is happening. It’s time that we make smart choices and start buying

products from companies that sell things.

We’re smart. We can’t keep ignor ing the ways our actions affect the world. Instead, let’s think about the

impact that we’re having and make our purchasing choices accordingly. It would be foolish to buy products from any company other than those that sell things. Don’t you see?

The choice is simple, really. If your only option is to buy from a company, ask yourself the question, “Does this company sell things?” The answer to that question should inform your

choice about whether to give that com pany your business.

A collection of small actions can lead to a big change. When you wake up tomorrow, treat yourself and buy something from a company that sells things – it just might change the world.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM THE NOSER

Friend Group Going As Minions Not United In Whether It Ironic

BY ALL HALLOWS STEVE

According to sources close to the group of six sophomores living in Min den, the friend group is clearly not unit ed in whether their decision to dress as Minions together for Halloween is ironic or not.

“It’s a mess. Some of them are halfnaked, dressed as ‘slutty minions,’ and some of them are in full facepaint and

everything,” said David Ortega ‘25, the host of the Halloween party the group attended, confirming that they should have maybe had a deeper discussion about their intentions beforehand.

“What’s even more confusing is that one of the people who went all out for their costume likes the minions in a ‘post-ironic’ way, whereas one of the girls who just put on a pair of Urban Outfitters overalls wholeheartedly loves the Minions but just didn’t have time to

get a good costume. The whole thing is just very confusing.” At press time, members of the five different groups who went as angels and devils at the Halloween party are doing a lot of work to let people know which group they’re a part of.

Dorm Halloween

Only Scary In A Fire-Safety Violation Kind Of Way

BY UNPROTECTED CANDLE

Sources at a crowded Halloween party in the basement of Caswell con firm that the event is only really scary in a fire-safety kind of way.

“No one here is dressed as anything spooky and the only decoration here

is a LED strip light set to orange,” said sophomore Oren Baker, who wasn’t scared by the costumes or music, but more so that if there were to be a fire, very few people would be able to make it out alive. “We’re practically shoulder to shoulder down here and the stairway can fit a single file line. And that’s not even mentioning that someone un screwed the smoke detector so people

could pass around a joint. If the organiz ers of the party were trying to scare me with the sheer amount of fire hazards, then I got to hand it to them, I am pretty spooked.”

At press time, a two-person horse costume is only scary in a suffocationrisk kind of way.

Haunted House Would Be Much More Useful As Haunted Multifamily Unit

BY URBAN P. RESTORATION

According to New England housing justice nonprofit ROOFS, a new Warwick haunted house attraction “Mansion of Frights” would be much more useful as a haunted multifamily unit. “We feel that in this ongoing housing crisis, it is simply ir responsible to be constructing such large buildings that are only meant to house one family of vengeful Victorian spirits,” said ROOFS outreach coordinator Jennifer

Ryan at a growing protest at the gnarled gates to the haunted house. “Think about how many ghosts have been forced to haunt less expensive towns, or all the lost souls in tattered wedding gowns doomed to haunt the cold, dark forests. It’s sim ply immoral to not ensure these ghouls haunted housing when they have been damned to a life of transiency between realms through no fault of their own. At press time, Disney’s Tower of Terror ride

still has no plans to make sure a portion of the haunted apartments is allocated to low-income ghosts.

Shitty Werewolf Has Pretty Average Libido

Sources report that area werewolf Adolphus Shadow has a pretty aver age libido.

“Every girlfriend I’ve ever been with expects me to be raring to go every day, but I’m more of a 2-3 times a week kind of guy,” said Shadow, ex pressing his medium level of interest in ravishing buxom women by the light of the moon. “And hey, some times the life of a werewolf gets stress ful and there’s a bit of a dry spell.”

“I mean, sure, it’s fun when you first get together with someone and you’re all over each other, but that usually peters out after a bit,” continued Shadow, demon strating a distinct lack of constant, insatia ble hunger for the body of his passionate lover. “For me, the emotional connection is actually much more rewarding than the physical one.”

“At the end of the day, everyone has a different ‘normal amount of sex,’ so there’s no reason to compare,” added Shadow, neglecting to prowl through the streets following the musky scent of his shapely, bodice-clad mistress. “Healthy communi cation makes all the difference.”

Skeleton So Obsessed With Rattling His Bones

BY ALEX VALENTI

To the chagrin of visitors to Swan Point Cemetery, a skeleton who hangs out there is reportedly so obsessed with rattling his bones.

“Ugh, there he goes again,” said a disgruntled man visiting his family plot, covering his ears as the skel eton walked by with a loping, jangly gait, his bones clicking and clacking

noisily. “His jaw is just constantly chat tering away. And the worst is when he starts banging on his ribs like they’re a marimba. How do all his bones even stay together?” At press time, ceme tery-goers reported that a local ghost is kind of addicted to moaning softly in the night.

BY TEAM EDWARD

Hide! The moon!