Letters | 6
12 December 2012
COMMUNICATIONS
Leanna Byrne Leanna Byrne has impressed the student body from the opening of her campaign, essentially basing the entirety of her proposals around a screenshot of a crudely photoshopped atomic pink ‘application’ which manages to confuse the Twitter ‘bird’ for a duck and from which it can be inferred that one of her more cutEveryone did laugh
ting edge features is that the University times will be reduced to ‘News’, ‘Sports’, ‘Features’ and, of course ‘Blog’. Cutting spending by reducing the University Times’ online aesthetic to something from ‘Ask Jeeves’ circa 1995 is also a key component of Byrne’s proposals for the role. Byrne has proposed allowing the same transition year students who designed her application to handle the printing of next year’s UT, citing “[her] Dad’s office on the weekends” as a collaborative alternative source for cheaper printing costs. Accusations that Leanna’s “here, piss off, this is real, check
my mates phone if you don’t believe me!” approach to informing the student body of her policies are apparently not welcome in a sophisticated race. Students, lecturers, administration staff and Trinity Cat[s] are pretty much in universal agreement that she doesn’t really work wonders for the “Never trust a woman in power” stereotype. Trinity Security also made a rare public statement on the matter “dont fukin ask me to vote for yih if ye kant be fuked wih a proper pho-oh shop. I don’t make de signs on de grass ouhra fukin paper mash-ay DO I”. Indeed JP Tayto, indeed.
Ricky McCormack Well...Dave, Hannah, Dónal, Seamus, Cormac, Listen. You are all top lads and I really appreciate you all and obviously you can pick up your Vote Ricky pictures of me anytime, or even a Twibbon is fine. Even just a Twibbon. Now, I know that “3rd Year Ricky”, as well as “November 2012” Ricky, referred to numerous 2012 SU Election candidates as “c*nts”, and I know that, having said that, it seems conspicuous that I am now running for a Sabbatical position myself. But remember before you write this election special, I am your friend. Some of you may have been subject to drunken abuse on my part. I apologise. Dave, I admit that I threw the kitten on your face when you were in bed those mornings to piss you off and to try and get you to get rid of the kitten. I apologise. Hannah, that time you caught me masturbating over a facebook photo of you was a TOTAL MISUNDER-
The prototype app
Matthew Taylor Many question as to why Matt Taylor never cracks a smile. We’ll tell you why. Find Matt Taylor on a late night outside the Arts Block. “How do I find him in such a broad expanse, Piranha?” you may ask. Well reader,
take a cheeky panorama sweep of your immediate surroundings and ascertain for yourself the dingiest, darkest corner in your periphery. It may be indeed to dark a corner for you to investigate its surroundings without being in close proximity. Don’t worry, take a few steps closer to the corner. Then a few more steps. Who is in the corner? Matthew Fucking Taylor. Shooting heroin straight up his nostrils and, past the hours of 22:00, likely mired in a pool of his own faeces and tears. Throw him a euro and at this point walk away. Do not turn around as you walk away until you are at least 200 feet from Matthew Taylor. Under some closer inspection, Matthew’s policies bely those of a man
STANDING. But I also apologise. I apologise to all of you for each and every one of the things I have inflicted upon you, and physically over you. I never meant to hurt you, except at the time. I am a grown up now, and as far as the college public are concerned, I am a top bloke, see what I mean? The lads on campus just don’t need to know about any of this stuff, or any of the other stuff. All of my love Ricky
with a serious addiction to injecting highly potent mixtures of cocaine and heroin (‘snowballing’ is the term Matthew refers to use) in between his toes. Piercing the veil of student apathy, one can easily interpret campaign statements such as “I think this campus really needs some pay-asyou-go-gloryholes” and “if this administration doesn’t raise the roof on SU loans I’m going to fucking cut someone!” as the remarks of a man under pressure.
Tommy Gavin