The Piranha

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est 1843 vo l clx vii, issue 5, 4th April 2013

Shock on Campus as RI 1HZ 68 2IÀFHUV DUH 6RXQG

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a p o litic al, literar y & general news- p ap er

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© The Piranha, 2012. All Rights Reserved.


News | 3

4 April 2013

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

What they said around College this week

Editor Extinctus:

Dave Byrne

Editor Emeritus: Hannah McCarthy

“Buy a daffodil, they cure cancer!� 1st Year Cancer Soc member gets wrong end of the stick.

“Who are you again?� Chair of Publications Damien Carr stumbles in on the Piranha editorial team; regrets immediately accepting their offer of congealed Chinese food as a farewell gift.

“I honestly thought the whole 'Ebay' thing would work� Eric Tebay found face down in a gutter on Talbot Street

“This is a good day for students� Rory Dunne leaves House 6 for the last time

“Let’s crack some skulls� Trinity security already relishing the mass evacuation of campus on Trinity Ball Day

1967 - The Westboro Baptist Church lambasts Trinity for being too conservative

1592 - Elizabeth I squeezes into a pair of skinny jeans, rolls a cigarette and declares Trinity College Dublin open.

1980 – Michael O’Leary loses a pound and discovers after his economics lecture. He contemplates suicide for the whole night.

Notes From The Throne And so another shoal of piranha swims adrift into the ocean of graduate unemployment, only to see a new herd of elk rise from the rubble like a SKRHQL[ IURP WKH DVKHV %HIRUH EUXWDOO\ VWLFNLQJ WKH NQLIH LQWR DOO VRFLDO climbers and hacks for the entertainment of twelve of our friends, let us thank Dave the Rave for his tireless, unceasing commitment to freedom of speech and crude satire. Also to Hannah, who apparently is a member of the Hist and indeed once walked by Pubs. We hereby vow to take our merry band of freshers and sink to the offensive levels of previous illustrious editors - thanks to those freshers for coming on board, $QQD -DPLH *OHQ +XJK DQG $OH[ DQG SXWWLQJ XV LQ WKH XQXVXDO situation of having more writers than readers, and also thanks to Crystal Ball Chinese takeaway for serving us Chinese food so questionable it can’t even properly give us food poisoning - they were way ahead of the curve in the horsemeat scandal. BESS honeys, be warned - we’re coming for you. Much Love, Donal and Cormac.

Creative Director: Glen Byrne Disgraced Former Editor: John Engle

“What makes Dunne different from the rest? The simple fact is that he’s lived up to his promise that he will ‘get things Dunne’.� Actually printed in the ‘Trinity Twenty’ supplement at the start of the year. Rory Dunne was last seen minutes after its publication.

ON THIS DAY $' 7KH FUXFLĂ€[LRQ DQG VXEsequent rise from the dead of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Next year's Editors-in-Chief: Cormac Shine Donal McKeating

2012 – Hodges Figgis, in continuRXV RSHUDWLRQ VLQFH ÀQDOO\ JLYHV XS WKH ÀJKW WR UHPDLQ WKH ODVW non-burrito bar on Dawson Street, and rebrands as Hochos Fajitas. 1963 - Sen. David Norris forcibly ejected from DUFC for not being gay enough.

The time has come to pass the Piranha mantle on to a new generation of editors, destined to continue the legacy of publishing 2,000 copies of a newspaper read by approximately 50 obliging friends. They and theirs have written basically everything in this issue, fair play. I’d like to take this time to make a heavLO\ TXDOLÀHG VHPL DSRORJ\ It’s surprisingly ungratifying to upset people in print, and I am actually a bit soz. Having said that, The Piranha isn’t about being sound. It’s about freedom.of.speech., sticking. it.to.the.man., j.u.s.t.i.c.e and making.jokes.about.yokes.

The Piranha isn’t about being sound. Somebody on campus should call bullshit if and when people get elected to do a job that they do literally fackin none of while getting over 20 grand for it and a room on campus. If people in those positions next year could do my successors a favour could you please LOL IT OFF AND ACT LIKE YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT AND JUST BATHE IN YOUR FREE MONEY AND DANCE IN YOUR FREE ROOM AND STOP MAKING US FEEL BAD BY TELLING PEOPLE YOU’RE REALLY UPSET. To quote a great

Big Swingin' Dick: Ricky McCormack Writers:

Anna Sheehan Matt Brazel Jamie Murphy Hugh Guideira

Honest Attempt: Alex Turner-Milne I Was Here First:

Glen Rogers

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll: Damien Carr The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ

hunzo: “thats really fucking bent�. I’d also like to take the time to thank Hannah McCarthy for all the hour she put into the Piranha this year. Peace out Trinity


4 April 2013

2 | News

USI: “Women are uselessâ€? USI President John Logue has become extremely well known in the national media, after embarrassing himself in front of the Dail earlier in the year and getting arrested in actions that Mick Wallace TD described as “feckin’ hilariousâ€?. “Women are useless!â€? bellowed Logue into the microphone to thunderous applause from the audience in The Tobercurry Arms Hotel in Sligo. This marks the culmination of a bizarre turn of events in which the USI repealed its longstanding commitment to gender equality, instead opting for patriarchal student lobbying and “extra concessions for the ladsâ€?. Even Rory Dunne recently remarked: “John is no longer the man we all just used to enjoy laughing at, he is just a wreck. I thought I was bad, but this is just taking the piss...â€? “A CHAIRDE - A CHAIRDE, A DHAOINE UAISLE GO LEIR... TĂĽim lĂĽn sĂĽsta leis an bhfĂĽilte atĂĽ tabhartha dom anseo anocht... tĂĄ sĂŠ VHR Oi PyU OH KDJKDLGK iU QiLVL~Q WiLPLG Ă€U QD

KeLUHDQQ DJXV +RO\ &RPPXQLRQ PQi Ă€U QD hÉireann iontach agus mnĂĄ atĂĄ Bent IRA ifreann ar an fuascailt ĂĄr ndaoine Connolly agus ĂĄr bpĂĄistĂ­, agus ĂĄr bpĂĄistĂ­ leanaĂ­ agus ĂĄr bpĂĄistĂ­ leanaĂ­ chlidren agus ĂĄr leanaĂ­ Which roughly translates as “Election victory we engage in this past evening. Fighting ensuing with rivals on election front of bitterness on which we have fought our rivals liberal for years. USI voted is for Students mandate of the island of this nation and John Logue I have seen yesterday year of Ireland Nation whereby traditions Catholic standbyâ€? The crowd seemed to be endeared by Logues appalling Gaeilge, with one particular boisterous group of farmers throwing bales of hay in Logue’s general direction in celebration. Logue had the Sligo crowd in tears as he went on to speak of his pride of the achievements as USI President: in his year-long tenure he has secured sponsorship from Topman and, of course, Midnight Promotions and women have

been fully encouraged to stay in the home by littering campuses with cans of Dutch and copLHV RI )+0 7KLV ZDV DOO FDSSHG RII E\ LOO Ă€Wting tracksuit bottoms and GAA jerseys with obscenely high numbers on the back being made obligatory in all Irish college. Tears were seen streaming down the face of one 25-yearROG PRWKHU RI Ă€IWHHQ LQ WKH DXGLHQFH DV /RJXH exclaimed; “Let’s return to de Valera’s Ireland, the Emerald Isle of yesteryear in which men were men and women were punchbags.â€? 7KH SDUW\ WKHQ PRYHG WR D PXGG\ Ă€HOG ZKHUH a DJ delighted crowds by spinning decks on the back of a truck blaring out such tunes as Bobby Joe, DJ Otzi, Ey Oh Captain Jack and on the stroke of midnight; AmhrĂĄn na bhFiann The USI is now focusing on its campaign to repeal the 1993 decriminalisation of homosexuality.


4 April 2013

4 | News

DUBES: The Year in Review

Angry Numbers 12,987,321 - Number of people with I’m on 7($0720 SURÀOHU RQ IDFHERRN 6 - Number of non white students in Trinity 6 1XPEHU RI PHPEHUV RI $IUR &DUULEHDQ 6RFLHW\ 35 0HQ SUHWHQGLQJ WR FDUH DERXW ,QWHUQDWLRQDO :RPHQV :HHN 0 $PRXQW RI VWXGHQWV LQWHUHVWHG LQ WKH ZHOIDUH HOHFWLRQV LQFOXGLQJ 6WHSKHQ *DUU\

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News | 5

4 April 2013

I  will  lose  my  virginity  to  Lulu  on  this  trip  if  its  the  last  thing  I  do!

Trinity Jailbreak

Ruminations on Jailbreak with Tommy Gavin’s Tash

The corporate air miles accounts of literally a couple of Irish parents received a massive boost in March following the Trinity Jailbreak competition. The contest, which aimed to show which students’ parents FRXOG SD\ IRU WKH EHVW à LJKWV out of Ireland and what luxury accommodation and diversions they could buy them at their destination, was won by Brian Cusack and Siona Wu Murphy, whose parents secured them a two-week, all expenses paid cruise through the South 3DFLÀF IROORZHG E\ D ZHHN LQ the Australian Gold Coast. Jack &DQWLOORQ VLPSO\ à HZ WR $XVtralia a few days later in a move no way related to his upcoming run for Law Soc auditor.

I, Tommy Gavin have been keeping my ear seriously close to the ground this week, while I was smoking a perfectly rolled cigarette, leering at young little students, covered in fake tan I overheard a little dish by the name of Aifric utter the following sentiments; “What do you mean it’s charity?� exclaimed the slightly-better looking hunzo from Team 32. This sentiment was echoed by many bewildered Jailbreakers who only found out the dirty little secret of the popularity contest after Time Magazine published an article on it. Indeed, most contestants were unaware of the nature of the contest itself, with one little douchebag turning up thinking he was at the Law Soc 1st Year Rep Election Part II. Coming from someone who knows his publicity (and Tommy Gavin knows his Publicity) I can tell you from my experience of coming from being a relative unknown to the most laughed at man on Campus (take note Dave Whelan) that every single person on that trip was an absolute joker and didnt have the feintest interest in Charity.

Matthew Hainbach’s dad’s car to Dublin Airport, the victorious team had to suffer the indignity of walking an entire 75 yards wheeling their own Samsonite cases before having Father Cullen’s Polish valet, Svetlana, check in at the Golden Circle priority queue for them. The day turned from bad to worse for Claire and Matthew as it turned out that their Etihad Ă LJKW KDG QR VHDWV LQ )LUVW &ODVV left and they had to make do in economy, which Hainbach described as “Akin to waiting in line at Abrakebabra at 3amâ€?. 7KH KRXU Ă LJKW WR 0DGULG was an eventful one as Cullen & Hainbach got into an aggressive argument with a lovely little air hostess called Chantelle as they could not purchase Meanwhile, a Piranha report- items from her rickety trolley in er tailed Matt Hainbach and exchange for their parents’ air Claire Cullen in their quest for miles. Having touched safely WKH XOWLPDWH DIĂ XHQFH $IWHU down in Madrid the couple a long and arduous walk from cooled off in the Business Class

Lounge, (the security thought it was safer not to ask the couple for membership cards having just witnessed Cullen spit on the feet of a toilet attendant after being asked did she want a tissue)... etc. Finn Murphy spent his Jailbreak experience scouting DJs for “Trinity Warehouse 2015â€?, circumventing the SU’s precampaigning rules by staying off Irish soil. In a shock move, Finn announced he would be returning next year to run for Technische Universitat Wien (QWV 2IĂ€FHU /HVV VXUSULVLQJO\ he will not shut the hell up about some shit techno club he went to after a “hilariousâ€? lift from a DJ in Bratislava. The Piranha already spies the backbone of next year’s manifesto... Unfortunately he did not achieve his ultimate aim of getting the ride in a central European nightclub, or indeed at all, ever.

Gavin Out! Xxxx


Letters | 6

1 November 2012

All the Sex I Do Be Havin' Diary of JF Agricultural Science Gal: 24th September 2012: Hey Diary, Nora NĂ­ Ghradaigh here! Couldn’t be more excited, I made it into AgSci and now I’m ready to shed my good girl image of secondary school. I’ve moved up to halls, out of offaly, bought my push-up bras and am now ready to start living!! Diary of a JF BESSLAD: 24th September 2012: Right guys, got into BESS so basically I could literally make it fockin anywhere. Fuck the degree at this stage, it’s time to smash some birds - defo absolute wetties. College LV JXQQD EH KDVKWDJ VWXSLG PDF FDQ¡W Ă€QG WKH #) delish babes and I for one can’t fockin wait to JHW FUDLFLQJ +DG WKH DXO Ă€UVW OHFWXUH WRGD\ TXLWH D IHZ Ă€W PRWWV WR EH VHHQ EXW QRWKLQJ DQG , 0($1 nothing, on the lecturer. Am I right Tommy? Fellow BESS lad. They clearly made a bitta effort for WKH Ă€UVW GD\ WKRXJK VHH LI WKLV ODVWV DQG LI DQ\ RI them will be worthy to be a notch on my bedpost, eh? Bring it on.

HYHU\ QLJKW VLQFH FROOHJH EHJDQ 'LFH\¡V 0RQGD\ Village Tuesday, Dandelion Wednesday, Palace Thursdays (3 jagerbombs 10 euro can’t go wrong maysh) and end the week with Coppers on Friday, to keep the cougars happy. The rents haven’t seen a hint of me all term, due to me smashing a new one every night. But last night. I actually cannot tell ya how rank it was. I got a bleeder. Some bit who calls herself Noreen, or Nora, or some other culchie shite. I feel dirty. I feel used. She didn’t deserve the 24 seconds i gave her. But got the Warehouse Project to look forward to, gonna be the BESS night of our lives. I know diary, if you were a person you’d be LOLing

2nd December 2012: Gal 20* 2 0 ) * ',$5< , OLWHUDOO\ FDQQRW FRQWDLQ P\VHOI 2+ 0< *2' 6R ODVW QLJKW PH DQG the gals went for a yolo night out at the Palace, and I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous guy for ages outside. He offered me a smoke, which obviously I don’t do but just couldn’t say no cuz like, he was gorgeous!! So I was outside, smoking away 2nd December 2012: LAD when suddenly he just grabbed my hands, kissed I literally have not had a second free to get writ- me (ON THE LIPS!) and then whispered in my ing in you, you have no idea the things I’ve been ear, “Let’s take this chat back to your place, and do up to! BESS is fockin class, I’ve literally been out OHVV WDONLQJ Âľ 6:221 &,7< , GLGQ¡W ZDQQD WHOO

him I’d never done it before, but he was so sweet and oh, diary... I think I’m in love. 15th Febraury 2013: LAD Valentine’s last night, was class man. We went to CUNT, and fuck me the cunts were wrecked. Nailed more desperate wanna be hipster hunzos in the toilets then I thought existed in the world. *UDQG RO¡ QLJKW :DONHG KRPH GXH WR LQVXIĂ€FLHQW IXQGV RQ WKH FDUGV EXW ZKR JLYHV D Ă \LQJ IXFN DERXW WKDW ZKHQ \RX¡YH D NHEDE LQ RQH KDQG D Ă€W ODVV LQ WKH RWKHU DQG WKH ERVV PDQ DW KRPH WR Ă€OO up the account in the morning. Key. AgSci Gal: , +$7( 9$/(17,1(6 '$< , +$7( 0(1 $// 2) 7+(0 6R PH DQG WKH JLUOV ZDQWHG WR KDYH DQ epic, who-run-tha-world, girlie night out for Valentines because seriously, I don’t need a man. And who has the cheek to be there, but that f-ing BESS VFXP -RKQ Âś7KH 6HVK¡ 0XUSK\ ZKR VKDFNHG XS and dropped me back before Christmas. He has the nerve to be there in C U Next Tuesday and literally wshove his tongue down Rosa from Law’s throat right infront of me. It’s like I mean nothing to him even though he told me he loved me merely months ago! They did not prepare us for this in


Opinion | 7

1 November 2012

"Plagiarising Bastards" -­ Players declares war on JCR

EYE-­ONA Institute Wanker Sues Crappy Newspaper Allegedly repressed homosexual (Self and others hatLQJ 'DYLG 4ZLP UHFHQWO\ VDQN WR D QHZ ORZ KLV Ă€UVW being the systematic attempt to keep homosexuals as second class citizens, when he sued a children’s newspaper for two completely fair articles. Qwim said he was “appalled at the low standards of research and factsâ€? behind the pieces, although he felt completely MXVWLĂ€HG LQ WKH VDPH UHVHDUFK DQG IDFW OHYHOV EHKLQG KLV own published research, or bullshit as it will be called by future generations. Qwim’s outrage at the poorly WLPHG DQG MXVWLĂ€HG SLHFHV VXUSULVHG WKH 7ULQLW\ SRSXlation who have expected nothing less of the UniverVLW\ 7LPHV VLQFH LW¡V LQFHSWLRQ 2ZHQ Âś&DEEDJH¡ %HQQHW ZKR ZH¡UH WROG EHDWV XS 5RPD FDPH XQGHU Ă€UH E\ the “Philanthropistsâ€? ill gotten power and wealth for daring to question his institutes conservative, or as the kids call it, hateful, publications. ´0\ ZRUN KDV RQO\ HYHU EHHQ DLPHG DW WKH EHQHĂ€W RI DOO SHRSOH $OO ZKLWH &DWKROLF KHWHURVH[XDO SHRSOHÂľ VWDWHG Qwim. “My treatment at the hands of the University 7LPHV LV XQIDLU DQG XQFDOOHG IRU 0DNLQJ OLJKW RI VXFK D serious matter is shameful and juvenile.â€? he said, pausLQJ EULHĂ \ WR \HOO DW ZRPHQ KH WKRXJKW PLJKW FRQVLGHU having an abortion. 7KH 8QLYHUVLW\ 7LPHV UHWUDFWHG LW¡V DUWLFOHV WKDW RXWUDgeously implied a man who does not believe in equal rights for all citizens because of a consequence of their ELUWK ZDV ELJRWHG 7KH\ DOVR DSRORJLVHG IRU WKH KXUW DQG

distress caused to Mr Qwim and his family and colleagues at the Iona Institute and wished him and them the best in their efforts for the continued distress and KXUW RI WKH /*%7 FRPPXQLW\ LQ WKLV FRXQWU\ 4ZLP¡V UHVSRQVH SLHFH SXEOLVKHG LQ WKH EDFN RI 87¡V (OHFWLRQ special laid out some of Quinn’s problems with the Gay Debate. He stated people are, “likely to be accused of EHLQJ DQWL ZRPHQ LI WKH\ RSSRVH DERUWLRQ RU ÂśKDWLQJ¡ gay people if they oppose same-sex marriage.â€? “I mean it makes perfect sense if you hear his side,â€? VD\V %HQQHW ´, PHDQ KRZ FRXOG ZH DFFXVH D PDQ ZKR doesn’t want women to have rights over their own body as too conservative and gay citizens to have equal rights as bigoted?â€? I mean I haven’t been this embarrassed since I pissed myself in Dandilion.â€?


8 | Lifestyle

1 November 2012


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