est 1843 vo l clx vii, issue 3, 12th D e cemb er 2012
Hilary Clinton's Dyslexic P.A. Apologises to UCD. page 3
a p o litic al, literar y & general news- p ap er
Everyone Laughs At Owen Bennett - Trinity Come Dancing Preview page 18
QUEER & LOATHING IN HOUSE SIX
'...we just need more room to be gay' Qsoc chair on ousting Sci-Fi Soc Š The Piranha, 2012. All Rights Reserved.
12th December 2012
Gay Elite Declares War on House 6 Favourites Continued from page 1
Trinity’s societies have been shaken over the last number of weeks by the Central Society Committee’s surprise call to ruthlessly evict the Science Fiction Society from their coveted space in House 6. The room, which was formerly occupied by couches, virgins and an enviable collection of consoles and entertainment equipment, is to be potentially given to Trinity’s Q Soc to provide a larger space than currently available. CSC Honorary Treasurer Ronan Hodson made a statement on the utility of the takeover for Trinity students last week, saying “There is no need for the Science Fiction society to have such a big room on campus. As I understand it, games consoles in this era are but the size of a common microchip, with participants contributing to the entertainment via some sort of electronic thought transfer. That is obviously something which needs little or no space.” Sci-Fi is now
to be moved to Goldsmith, where they will share a room with Gamers, which sort of seems possibly to do some similar activities or “at the least seems to look like a similar sub-culture of the youth” (Hodson). Reactions from both Sci-Fi and Gamers have been overwhelmingly negative, with relations between the two societies described as “sporadically violent” and Gamers Chair John-John O Hoolihan describing the incoming tenants as “not hardcore at all, in any way - not up to date enough on LARPing to make it into the lowest POG league and with extremely bland and unimaginative anime pornography collections. It is only a matter of time before our hallowed traditions annihilate our Sci Fi rivals on xbox live”. Sci-Fi Soc have also vocally opposed the choice of new roommate, with Sci-Fi President Charlie Chopsticks commenting
“Seriously can someone please think about the fact that we like playing videogames and watching movies while they literally enjoy Pokemon cards and dressing up as wizards. Why can no one understand that? Why? Please, someone think about that.”
Calls for CSC to reconsider their decision have been met with what many have perceive to be a strong hand. On one occasion, it is rumoured that attempts to speak face to face with the CSC executive were rebuffed with increasingly destructive thrashings of SCi-Fi Soc’s electrical equipment, which allegedly culminated in a drink fuelled ransacking of their room by CSC Treasurer Sean Gill. While accusations of bias towards an LGBT agenda in awarding use of the room to Q-Soc have been denied and CSC’s influence by Trinity’s gay elite dismissed as specula- Hodson denies plotting with QSoc tion, Chair of Q-Soc Joel McKeever ex-chair and CSC member David Doyle
Trinity Cat 'in way over his head' sources claim A source close to Trinity Cat, who wishes not to be named, has revealed to The Piranha a worrying set of circumstance which places the feline at the centre of a drug and murder controversy which was described as “a veritable smorgasboard of murdering people with a heavily condensed peppering of substance abuse”. Earlier this week the student body was shook as the cat, who is a stray and does not live indoors, apparently departed from one area in Trinity which he frequents and temporarily stayed at an alternative exterior location - prompting widespread panic and an online campaign to find the cat and coerce it back to its arbitrarily designated proper location. On Friday, the cat was found, and is now safely chained to a wall behind the Berkeley library - so as to prevent him from further harming himself by travelling outside a 100m radius. “It’s a feel good story, so happy he is back where he belongs and safe!” tweeted one JF Bess student. In several awkwardly composed, non Twitter-appropriate follow-up tweets she added “so relieved to know he is
back behind the cricket pitch and not in some like random place outside in the cold where anything could happen to him!!”
However, according to a Piranha source, the ‘happy ending’ to Trinity Cat’s disappearance last week is anything but. “He’s been over his head for a while now” the source claims. “It started out with the odd spliff, but soon enough, he was getting hash on tic in quantities that he was never going to be able to pay off. He’d turn up to after seshes that he hadn’t been a part of at all and just break out a fat bag of green. You felt guilty but everyone was caught up in the good times and chill vibes so none of us said anything”. Eventually, claims the source, things got darker and it became clear that Trinity’s beloved Cat was spiralling out of control. “I hadn’t seen him in a while, and then one night I caught him trying to sell acid to some 16 year old kids in Eamonn Doran’s and I knew that he had hit rock-bottom. If he’s going missing it’s because he’s laying low, and keeping him under close watch and confinement, as well as making
was quick to defend the possible assignment of the room to his society. “Q-Soc needs a large space on campus. You can play videogames anywhere, but there are extremely clear and transparently transparent and just plain obvious reasons as to why Trinity’s gay society needs a larger space in House 6. Sometimes we’re sitting in our current room and it just hits us all at once, we are fucking Q Soc - Sci-Fi Soc have a bigger room than us, and they’re fucking losers! What the FA-HUCK!?”
no sense with an animal that lives outdoors- is probably going to increase the stranglehold on him”. Our source was hesitant to connect Trinity Cat with any specifically named individuals but did add: “frequently he’ll be pawing his way down Pearse street and a car will stop, a man will get out, and he’ll get punted a few yards as some sort of reminder. It’s gotten that bad.”
ing accurately: “I’ll tell you this much, that cat sells a quality yoke”, Anonymous Prhomo Reveller “Trinity Cat is singlehandedly keeping the YOLO dream alive” Horse Racing Soc “Hype Committee”
“I was terrified he was gone forever, A straw poll conducted by the Pira- this is an incredible day.” nha, polling one other member of the Emma West, SS BESS Piranha team at the time of publication, indicated that the student body “That Cat empathises with both mine is still very much behind Trinity Cat, and the workers plight, I salute my regardless of drug-abuse, wanderlust comrade” or implication with murder cases. Ronie Burtenshaw “The great thing about Trinity Cat is that we entirely impute whatever personality we want onto him. So, he may eat our corpse when the time comes and he does buy naggins for underage kids at E12 a pop but I’ll certainly never be able to stop loving him”. Piranha took a straw poll from Trinity students on their views on the Trinity Cat considers what he's matter, should the source be report- done
12th December 2012
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.
What they said around College this week LGBT Anniversary? Alumni? No. Never heard of it. Wasn’t me. Please never call again.” LGBT 30th Anniversary invites cause consternation among closet-case professionals. “This is a Good Day for Students” Rory Dunne narrowly avoids Public Indecency Charge.
“I really need to talk more about how much time I spend in the library” Not a single Schols Student
“Did I just catch you pissing on my watch boy? You’re on a one way trip to Downtown Chinatown, on an overnight doubledecker kick-bus from planet leg, son” Unlucky JF Theology Student in Caught Urinating by Trinity Security
“No, I’ve always loved going on marches” Liar
Such a shame it was cancelled, I’m actually getting really into Warehouse music” JF BESS Hunzo confused “This marks a new era in Theatre” DU Players Chair Paul Testar, on Fish Socs recent foray into Playwriting; “The Curious Case of the Chicken Fillet Roll”
“In it for the pussy since 2010 bitches!” DUGES Chair Matthew Corbally sips one G&T too many at the DUGES Christmas Party
On This Day In Trinity's History
1905 - Edward Carson’s first annual “Stab a Catholic Day” ends in an overwhelming and bloody success
children” How right he was.....
witness is mistaken 1903 - A year passed without incident
1935 - The last time a Hist auditor completed a full term
1904 - Women permitted to study in college
1983 - Trinity viciously crushes the attempted creation of the first LBGT society, “Queen Soc” is kicked off campus; A young Ronan Hodson remarked, “Our revenge will be the laughter of our adopted
1905 - Everyone freaks out about who said what to who and whether or not they knew that the others knew that they said that to her the other night about us.
2012 - Patrick Prendergast allegedly seen striding through campus, turns out eye
Notes From The Throne Christmas isn’t just a time for children to get presents in proportion to their parents wealth. It’s also that time of year when you run out of good pictures of the Provost to put on the front page of your publication. A time of year where you sit in a room all night eating Mizzonis and literally forcing yourself to
vomit up page after page of hurtful material after rounding up contributors on campus like the native village whore on famine-era rentcollection day - just so that 50 or so people you already know can read it. Hey lads! What the fuck is being done to the lads in Sci-Fi at the moment. I don’t know who they
are or if they’re in any way decent individuals - but I’m pretty fucking sure that room is a home to them and the most active temple of worship on campus. I’m basing this on literally nothing but I’m you’re breaking the lads hearts by kicking them out of House 6 and putting them in Goldsmith with Gamers begs for poorly and vaguely drawn parallels with the creation of the Jewish State in the Middle East. Where does it lead lads, where does it lead?
are based on truth!!!!!!!! Dave
Editor-in-Chief Dave Byrne Chief Editor Hannah McCarthy Copy Editor Seamus Beirne Disgraced Former Editor John Engle Zero Help Ricky McCormack Senior Writer Donal McKeating Writers Hugh Guideira Cormac Shine Life Partners Marc Tiernan Glen Rogers Mascot Damien Carr The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
cheap ass and coughed-up for chinese I might ohave bothered but like, gotta prioritise hunz! Who needs satire when you have weekly Wednesday night debates and tea & toast afternoons!
$$Hannah McCarthy$$ © Hey its meeee Hannah McC! As you all may definitely know, I‘m actually Hist Auditor so I’m a bit too busy to actually write my editorial or pick up my phone but in fairness what if HILARY CLINTON or ANGELA MERKEL Anyways do read the dis- calls and what's the point in claimer we don’t want you copy editing anyway Dave! P.S. No SU candidate has thinking any of these stories If Damo hadn't been such a ever been elected without
12th December 2012
Trinity Warehouse Rave Cancelled Due To Unexpected Arrival of Winter Hundreds of Trinity’s most mainstream students were left disappointed this Tuesday when it was announced that their chances of pretending to be into house music and taking drugs would be dashed due to the cancellation of The Trinity Warehouse Project’s first rave. The event entitled CUM, was to be the first in a quartet of bodily fluid themed events, with BLOOD, PISS and SHIT to follow.
asked his name but had facial paralysis due to the amount of K he was taking or is it just that he’s genuinely just a washed up pathetic human being. Either way, fantastic DJ.
climate in Ireland is largely tropical. The guards were completely on board with a load of most likely drugged up students dancing in a room full of semen, they genuinely just had our best interests at heart. Also if my mates could leave a few comments below about how it’s actually a good thing that this is cancelled that’d be real sound. I’ll buy you a pint, on ents like. Cheers. Yours truthfully Dave Whelan’
an planned this event under advice from John Engle as a highly complicated and unethical way of getting a loan, an area in which John is hailed as an expert. Either way hopes are now set on February being the month where all Trinity students who were feeling out of the loop and left behind by the zeitgeist of ‘music’ and ‘notdicey’s’ can regain some dignity and respect and rebel against the man and just like dance to some banging tunes in a warehouse that has been licensed to hold this event and will be heavily surveilled at all times.
The cancellation was announced late on Tuesday evening and was met with absolutely no objection from ticket holders. The jury is out as to whether this level of acceptance is due to the concise and full explanation given or to the fact that the majority of stuThe event was to take place in an un- dents attending were in BESS and are disclosed location that according to not in possession of any thoughts or ents officer Dave Whelan ‘definitely capable of generating them. Whelan’s plea seemed to have been exists’. The venue was promoted as answered with comments such as being a unique space boasting ‘mul- The official statement posted on the ‘gonna be worth the wait!’ receiving tiple rooms’, and spanning over three Facebook group is reprinted below. multiple likes. There were however dimensions. Semen themed sculpsome negative sentiments expressed tures, projections and installations ‘Hey lads, with one commenter complaining of were to be ‘splattered all over the ‘session fear’ – that particular comvenue’. Hype around the lineup was Yeah I totally did have a place booked menter we can reveal to be Fiodhna really building when Birmingham’s for this and got all the licenses and Horan Murphy one of the biggest answer to DJ Tiesto, ‘DJ Tesco’ was shit it’s just that the guards rang me LEJENDS on campus who’s always confirmed along with the man who up today and were worried that De- fearing a good old session anyway, mixed Brian McFaddens latest flop cember is quite a cold month so like like literally all she cares about is a album DJ Washup. The latter is also we might get cold. I must admit that good session and she’s just soo sound the subject of much speculation and I completely forgot December was so like yeah calm down Fiodhna lel. intrigue in relation to his stage name; in winter so yeah I think it’s a better December in Ireland was he trying to say what’s up when idea if we do it in February when the There has been speculation that Whel-
Letters to the Editor Dear Editor,
I just think it is high time that all of the ethnic minorities in Trinity got a big anglo saxon pat on the back. What about this middle eastern lad in the Arts Block Cafe, fair play big man well played! The proportion of students of African descent this year smashed the previous record of 0%. Lets hope Prendergast lives up to his promise of a Coloured Professor by 2030.
Dear Editor, I would like to thank the member of college administration who the other day actually promptly did what I asked her to. I was taken aback and pleasantly surprised. While most Trinity staff do put in satisfactory effort with their jobs and turn up to work for at least 19 minutes a day along with spending their salaries, it’s heartwarming to see this extra effort being put in.
Ailbhe Flanagan SF Law
Sean Barton JS Psychology
In Protest
Dear Editor, Dear Editor, I am really at the I am writing to you end of my tether with the lack to complain about the under- of praise we receive in your representation my (yes my) excuse for a newspaper. Not society receives in your pub- only do we have UNREAL lication. I think that it is un- red hoodies we are also hero fair that I own quite a promi- worshipped by at least 20% nent society on campus yet of the population of halls, get little or no tabloid cover- thats like half the population age. Law has more than its of Trinity Man! Man up and fair share of absolute knobs talk about how amazing we yet it still barely gets a men- are for once. tion. Is the fact that my auditor beat the shit into someone David Henry for moving an ostrich feather SF BESS at our Swing Ball not satire worthy? Law Soc Social Sec Lewis Mooney x
12th December 2012
News In Brief
Piranha uncovers hundreds of illicit texts stretching back months between Petraeus and the Phil -
Disgraced Former General Petraeus has plunged himself into further controversy as suggestive emails and texts sent to the Phil were leaked yesterday to the media. “I bet you’ve never met a real fourstar general before”, began his first email, in response to his invitation to speak, “So will it be just me and you there? I’ll bring the uniform, you bring the sluts.” The retired CIA Director General went on to send numerous double entendres drawing parallels between the Iraq invasion and planned sexual penetration. It was when these texts quickly became graphic, with pseudo sexual references to drone strikes, that bright-eyed Lorcan Clarke decided the disgraced soldier was a highly unsuitable guest for the sexually conservative society. Pe-
traeus, however, seems quite intent on the trip, reportedly looking forward to the fresh yunting ground which Trinity offers him. However there were murmurs of discontent within the society at Clarke’s decision when it was discovered Petraeus had booked out their favourite haunt Prhomo for his post patronage party. The withdrawal of the patronage has however seemed to have little effect on Petraeus, as he still seems quite intent on the trip, reportedly looking forward to the fresh yunting ground which Trinity offers him.
“Student Body is the Hardest Hit by the Budget”, whines middle class student population. -“Leave students alone”, wailed indignant 4th year BESS student Tamara Conyngham at the annual DUBES Post Budget Analysis, who had evidently not listened to
Smoking Area Style
Lydia Rahill SS Law & Political Science 'I'm really into recycling and feel that fashion can be a force for social change hence why I'm highlighting the amout of cigarettes consumed by Trinity students.'
it in detail. -“Once again, students have taken the brunt”, lied another self-righteous young activist on Wednesday evening. -“One or five grand or whatever the student contribution fee is right now is way too high. And that increase of like a hundred quid or something is a fucking disgrace.” Sean Gill, Economic Powerhouse -“I won’t be able to turn on my heating this winter. Sent from my iPhone 5” -“We can’t pay 5euro for a bottle of Marques de Lyon. The heady days of 2005 are long gone.” - “An extra 50c for a box Amber Leaf, how will I look pretentious between my Art History classes now??” lamented one upper middle class English Arts student. - “Hopefully this spells the end for TAP” TCD Alumni Association - “Wait, do I have to pay rent now?” Provost
Ogra Golden Dawn society praised for combating student apathy in politics.
“It’s great to suddenly see students across Europe get really passionate about something once again”, exclaimed college authorities this week as the young political society gained rapid momentum on campus. “It’s just like the 1980s again; the fervour, the rallies, it’s all there!”, said one nostalgic college security figure. “Admittedly it’s a lot more racist, but I suppose times change and it’s nice to see people just get involved. A lot of naysayers criticise its policies and its fascism but if it gets young people out there, really caring about stuff then it’s good enough for me.” The young society has also been making waves in fashion circles around campus with its 1940s chic black and red ensemble and cute flags. The militaristic look and sleek, retro events organised
Christmas Shopping with Dave Whelan
It’s that time of year lads and when it comes to shopping for that someone special, a little thought goes a long way. Here’s my list of Chrimbo 2012 prezzies to make your loved ones swoon. -Perfume is always a solid call and most good places have help in-store to help you pick the perfect aroma -Short on money? Get her your favourite book and write an inscription on the inside. -Jewellery is tricky but getting some inside info from her friends can help you land the ultimate gift of bling! -Write her a poem, ladies love a bit of a sentiment, particularly from the one they love... -How about you get that bitch a treadmill. Wrap it up in OK Magazine Diet Columns and sit it on that big fat bitches bed on Christmas morning. Yo Ho Ho, Ho.
Merry Fucking Christmas Dave xx
around European cities have been a real hit with the youth so far and it looks as if the trend is going to continue as CSC have recognised its merit and given it are looking into giving them their very own headquarters at another less passionate societies expense, “KnitSoc had better watch their backs” claimed CSC Chair Cian McCarthy. There have been talks of collaborations with college security in ridding campus of any unwanted guests after hours to mirror what the glorious party did in Athens. There were rumours that one of the youth parties leaders had even slapped a woman in the face on Trinity TV in an attempt to emulate their Greek counterparts, but these rumours are unverifiable as nobody has ever watched Trinity TV.
Letters | 6
12 December 2012
What Can You Do For Palestine?
Aoife Considine looks at positive changes you can make in your own life to bring about peace in the Middle East I’ve never felt held back in expressing my opinion on any issue and neither should you. Write to or email your TD, the Minister of Foreign affair and Inda Kennie daily. Get your TD to speak out against Israeli human rights violations and its use of excessive force. One letter a day costs 56c - we can spare that! Write to the Embassy of Saudi Arabia and ask why they are not supporting PalSince I was a young girl I’ve estine during this crisis. Ealways been hugely passion- mails, tweet and Feebs mails ate about the Middle East and are free! always had a wide collection of vintage Hijabs and retro It’s hugely important that tichels for dressing-up. The you attend gatherings beongoing events in the Middle ing organised in support of East trouble and perplex me Palestine. I’m organising a special Christmas one this hugely.
Tuesday in the Button Factory. There’ll be Motown/ Soul/Disco/Funk/Good Party Tunes/The Phil Spector Christmas album. Entry is only 5 euro and there’s some good drinks deals like 3 euro pints. And we’ll be showing a really slick video that my mate Callum made on the Israeli bombardment of Gaza.
term that will be available from the SU shop. Please make this small gesture and help bring peace to the Midd l e E a s t .
Boycott companies that support Israel. Islamic Human Rights Commission(IHRC) have brilliant retro HAMAS cards that fit in bags or wallets or wear Palestinian badges, wristbands, T-shirts at all times. These can be purchased from Interpal or Friends of Al-Aqsa. I’ll be designing a special, 1947 style headband for Hilary
Trinity Life: Diary of a Trinity Drug Dealer
JS English student Paris Constantine gives The Piranha an exclusive insight into the underground Trinity drug scene and a life which he calls “the side of Trinity they don’t talk about, we’re talking grungy life on the edge, a lot like Drive”. Monday I’m late for my 9am lectures and I have to get a fifty off my dad for a taxi or I’m going to miss lunch in Boojum with the lads. We chat about the the absolute tear of last weekend and I have a pretty dark moment where I remember lying on the roof of my dads car and crying for a few hours. I obviously tell none of them, because as much as I like them as mates I just don’t think they’d get it. Life felt pretty grim and real today so I leave without telling them, get a taxi back to the gaff and turn my phone off for the day. Tuesday I moved to Paris when I was 6 and it really toughened me up as a person. I learned to enjoy my own company and I’ve been a pretty aloof guy ever since. I spend most of
the morning outside the arts block before I go meet my two main suppliers, Squeezo and JP. Things get pretty illegal and dark because you don’t mess with these guys. You literally won’t find two rougher 14 year olds in Malahide and its a long way from Trinity - but somebody’s got to do it and when the markets there somebody has to supply you know? Wednesday Sometimes I like to just get away from everyone in my life and have a pint in one of Dublins old pubs, untouched by the hipster scene thats literally just so old and try-hard right now. I have a few pints and get chatting to some aul one who basically begs for me to sell her a bag. She takes a few drags and ends up knocked out on the floor of the pub so it gets pretty awk
but a bags a bag so I take her fifty and walk. I make a mental note to make an addition to my poetry moleskin. Thursday Everyones texting me about buying MD today which is such a stress because you just know that most of them can’t hack the buzz, but whatever. I spend the whole day carrying a few grams, which is just so so illegal but to be honest, after nearly getting suspended in transition year I sort of internalised fear and everythings a shade of grey y’know. I eventually end up selling it all in the toilets of a nightclub. It’s times like that, sitting in a toilet cubicle with a hundred people lining up for my stuff at 2am that I realise that I’m the Underground King of this College. Taxi home.
Friday up. It’s a gritty drive from Dalkey in the morning. I’m sitting in my 13th Century Lit Class with a flat-white and a Yum-Thai and listening to the lecturer et al drivelling some meaningless shite. Literally none of these retards have ever tasted the rough life like, they live such mainstream safe lives. Like I know the guys from trainspotting were working class junkies and fictional characters and everything but that “choose life, choose a job” stuff just speaks to me man. Weekend Couldn’t even tell you man, this weekend was so illegal and so dark for me in a personal way. Spent a good bit of it just properly scagging out on chaplaincy tea. Straight out of Love/Hate, you couldn’t make this stuff
12th December 2012
DUGES Vs DUFC The Piranha has recently discovered that instead of having a good old fashioned poorly attended march from O’Connell Street, DUGES and DUFC have decided to settle their age old differences by holding the first annual; Pro Life vs Pro Choice rugby match later on this week.
DCU Housewife soc in their most recent hammer throwing contest. Ciara Greene in particular was very fired up saying she would’ “Tear David Fanagans poncy abercrombie clad body from head to toe” She went further in saying she would “Paint the Lloyd Building red with his blood”
DUFC are confident of victory in this bitterly contested match up with Captain and renowned bigot Dominic Gallagher declaring; “We will smash these monsters..... and then Peter Gowan’s skull!” However this was before DUGES revealed their gargantuan line up with their front row weighing in at an average of 1.5 Metric tonnes.
DUFC were recently seen amping up one of their intense late night training sessions by waterboarding each other with holy water which was procured by Gallagher from his local Cathedral. However not to be outdone DUGEs organised their own “Hijab Hunt” were they tracked down women wearing hijabs tore them off and gave them pussy riot balaclavas instead.”We are all winners here” However DUGEs are not taking a Sally Rooney exclaimed after this step back, having gained confidence particular hunt. from their recent annihilation of
Not even this sports crazy Piranha reporter knows quite what to expect from this fearsome clash of 2 of colleges titans. One thing for sure, there will be no prisoners taken if some of the players pre match quotes are anything to go by. “Lets crush this liberal bubble once Picture of Olga Vainakova, DUGES and for all” - Dominic Gallagher Powerhouse in their much feared “We will make The Battle of the on the other side? God Only Knows Somme look like the Cancer Soc Ball what we have let ourselves in for.” at this match” - Matthew Corbally. Even Security are feeling the tension before this clash and there are set to Extra Security has been recruited in many earth shuddering collisions and order to keep the fearsome support- bone crunching tackles a plenty, one ers of these 2 destructive teams at thing's for sure. This will not be for bay. John Maguire (Trinity Security the faint hearted. Supremo) quipped; “We see these rugby lads every week we know what to expect from them, but these yetis
Current Events leis an Cumann Gaelach
Gáire siad, adeir siad, d 'ith siad agus d' ól. Thit siad agus fuair suas, agus seo go léir roimh an séipéal. Ní raibh a fhios agam conas ba mhaith liom a bheith. Ní raibh mé neirbhíseach, ach an mothú na excitement a bhí unreal. Gach mo buachaillí is this what the men of 1916 died for a bhí ag barr an séipéal liom mar a tháinig na seacht bridesmaids suas an ceann aisle trí cheann amháin.
daoine agus fuair mé turraing fiú níos mó nuair a chonaic mé na ceamaraí nuachta taobh amuigh chomh maith. Shíl mé go mb'fhéidir go mbeadh spéis éigin, ach ní maith liom é go raibh.
Ag an bpointe seo freisin a thosaigh an dioscó agus i lár a bhí sé a 'Riverdance rince as'. Bhí sé seo priceless. Rinne sé an méid a dúirt sé ar an stáin. An rince sheoladh amach gach duine isteach overdrive.
Nuair a tógadh na pictiúir i gceannas ar againn le haghaidh Óstán Carlton i dTrá Lí. Ar an mbealach bhí grúpaí roinnt de na daoine a rinne banners dúinn leis na Bratacha na hÉireann Bhí daoine ag rá nach chun breathnú agus Mheiriceá orthu. Bhí muid ag mar a shiúil an Bride suas, daoine séideadh i ndáiríre ar shiúl leis an. eile a bhí á rá chun breathnú, agus mar sin, mar i gcónaí go raibh mé Rinne mé a bheith 'Janet Jackson' aon phlean. Ní raibh mé ag breathnú nóiméad sa charr. Shuigh mé i agus agus nuair a rinne mé a fheiceáil Rita slid mé ar fud an suíomh ar ais agus Bhraith mé chnapshuim i mo scorn- tore mé poll sa asal mo brístí. Ní ach. raibh Rita creidim dom nuair a dúirt mé léi, agus ansin nach bhféadfadh Muid araon socraithe síos nicely cú- sí stop a chur ag gáire. Ceann de na pla nóiméad isteach sa maise. Bhí bridesmaids raibh snáithe dubh agus muid araon ag baint taitnimh as i snáthaid. Bhí mé suas sa seomra i ndáiríre an ócáid. Bhí sé iontach a bathrobe agus an pants raibh a bheith fheiceáil go léir ár gcairde ó na al- le feiceáil go. Shíl mé riamh gur tóir. Is cuimhin liom ag rá go féin mhaith liom a bheith bean eile lámha ag pointe amháin 'Íosa mé pósta ach i mo pants ar an lá de mo bainise féin gotten.' A dúirt mé an léi féin agus i os comhair mo bhean chéile! dúirt sí a dúirt sí mar an gcéanna. Níl aon hiding é, ba é seo an bainise Nuair a chuaigh muid amach tar éis Meiriceánach ó thús go deireadh, le an mhais a fuair muid le turraing mór twists cúpla na hÉireann. Ceann de toisc nach raibh thart ar 300 duine na cineálacha na hÉireann a tháinig ann chun sinn a fheiceáil. Bhí muid amach ag 3:00 i bhfoirm muc rósta! an-humbled! Mar sin, chuaigh muid Bhuail sé i ndáiríre an láthair. síos go dtí comhrá a dhéanamh le
An chuid seo den pháirtí críochnaithe 5 nuair a d'oscail an áitritheoirí barra agus amhrán a chanadh tosaithe. A fear ar a dtugtar Don Stiffe as Co na Gaillimhe a bhí i gceannas ar an cheol sa séipéal agus bhí sé mar aoi ar an lá mar go bhfuil Did you see the lovely new Massey Ferguson sé ina chara an-mhaith de mo. Chan 2 pints of Guinness and a bag of King there please sé cosúil le fhuiseog ag 6 rn agus chuimhnigh mé cé chomh mór ina amhránaí a bhfuil sé. Taistealaíonn sé chuig na stáit cúpla uair sa bhliain agus is cinnte fiú fheiceáil agus a chloisteáil. Bhí 20 chlé ar 8 nuair a bhí ag freastal ar siad bricfeasta. Is iad seo a ólann seasoned, mo dheartháir Dan i lár iad nó mar a bhí ag iarraidh siad dó 'an Dan'. 'An Dan' a thagann le rabhadh sláinte, bhfuigheadh sé amadán tú chun breathnú ar dó ach is féidir athrú leann sé. An lá dár gcionn bhuail muid teach tábhairne O Flaherty i gCorca Dhuibhne. Ba é seo spraoi iontach mar a fuair muid an deis chun teacht Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance suas
le cairde agus níos mó de cad a chuaigh ar an oíche roimh éisteacht. Bhí amhránaíocht iontach ann freisin. An páirtí críochnaithe ar oíche Dé Sathairn i mo pharóiste féin sa teach tábhairne Bóthar áit a raibh siad tine chnámh dúinn. An páirtí a chuaigh ar aghaidh go dtí an uair an chloig beag. An rud deireanach Is cuimhin liom a bhí waltzing le mo athair sa dlí agus an t-úinéir barra waltzed lena mhadra!
12th December 2012
Dear Santa .
Santa here, and a Merry Christmas to all of my pals at Trinity College. My friends at the Piranha recently sent me on some Christmas letters from some of their favourite students, myself and Mrs. Claus had a great time reading them and here are some favourites, enjoy..... and the midnight lads went on a major sesh to D2 the other night. Also loads of XL condoms for my massive dick, cheers you fat fuck. Jack O’Connor
Dear Comrade Nick, This year I will not ask for much, as I feel I may have been a bit greedy when I requested the destruction of the proletariat last year (I trust you are still working on this) This year I would like my usual stocking filler of 140 John Player Blue and copy of the finest socialist publication for the Irish Worker; “The Irish Times” Also if you could possibly deliver on my 2010 request and supply me with some real working class roots it would be much appreciated. Yours, Ian Curran Dear Christopher Cringle, I don’t know if you heard about this rather embarrassing story (actually its about me you obviously did) but at the start of Michelmas term I was the victim of a rather unfortunate smear campaign (excuse the pun) when somehow Trinity News decided that it was uncool for really busy and important people who don’t have time to leave their
society room anyway (me) to toss one off on the Film Soc computers. Anyway this obviously didn’t stop me as many have realised from the sticky texture of the walls in the Publications Office. Basically I was regaining my composure after a particularly visceral wank in the Ed Burke when I dropped my post wank towel on the floor and low and behold;it smashed!! Clearly I underestimated the amount of man juice I had fired into that bad boy in the last few months. A new synthetic towel in my stocking this year would be much appreciated so I can continue my mass ejaculations without damaging my delish jeans. Cheers Man, The Phantom Wanker
Right Man, Simple request....... Jbombs. Fuckin all of them man, theres none left, me and the lads drank every single one the other night. The city is dry as, after me
Dear Mr. Ho ho ho, This year, I am not asking for much just something simple. Please just make me smile. Just once. Please. Its been so long....... Cian McCarthy
Dear Santa, Dear Santa, I don’t care how much the I’m not sure if you heard Provost wants his ferrero rochers in but I went to Glenstal just like his stocking, you will not be getting COC (Also now known as -€15000 in here without a valid Student Card, CO’C) next time the Junior Dean will hear Anyway my request is simple as all about this. a highly influential student politician, I am in dire need of some. You have been warned, Please Santa this Christmas, please please give me some ChaTrinity Security risma. Much Appreciated, Rory Dunne Dear Santa, Please please make me SU President I would be so good at it!! Damien Carr TCD Publications Chair 12/13 SS BESS Dear Damien, Not a fucking chance. Santa Dear Nick, Listen, this Christmas I would just like you to let someone feel what it’s like to be Sean Gill because let me tell you, it’s fucking class! Yours, Sean Gill (Yes the Sean Gill) ...and finally Merry Xmas from the Piranha!