Final

est 1843 vo l clx vii, issue 6, 18 th S ept . 2013

Accusations of Acting in M.D.M.A Society. page 3

a p o litic al, literar y & general news- p ap er

Tom Lenihan’s Fantasy Football Players Accused of Steroid Abuse.

page 5

MEANWHILE, ON NO. 1 GRAFTON STREET

© The Piranha, 2012. All Rights Reserved.

4 April 2013

2 | News

Q&A with JCR President and all-round heartthrob Conor O’Meara Piranha: Hi Conor, I’m moving to Halls and I don’t know what to expect.

Is it fun living there or does it get a bit intense at times, always having other freshers around?

Conor: Such good fun like. Proper Ents nights out, proper good craic.

P: I heard that Tinchy Stryder came last year...

Isn’t he a bit shit and his career has been on the wane since 2007?

C: No. P: Are there plans to get anybody current in this year, or...?

P: I heard you still don't P: I didn’t understand the have WiFi in Halls, and are concept of your JCR video. there any plans to install it? :KDW ZDV WKH EULHÀQJ OLNH" Did you plan to just feign C 1R GLDO XS LV MXVW ÀQH laughter and throw water thank you. balloons in slow motion?

Did it mean anything or P: And why are you guys was it just to pretend to still here? Is it not sad that be appealing? And why you’re the only 10 nondid the only 2 girls on freshers here? committee get 1 clip as opposed to every other C: No. male council member and P: Do you think it’s fun or their clip was the shortest? something? Will it be like at the end of Irish College C: Hope you’re looking where you wish you could forward to a whopper night stay because you enjoyed in Lafayettes with great LW VR PXFK WKH ÀUVW WLPH EXW drink deals! Wanna' go get in reality all your mates binned?

KDYH OHIW DQG \RX¡OO ÀQG LW P: No, no thank you. to be unsatisfying and a bit creepy?

C. It’s gonna be just so C: No. class.

&DPSXV &RQFHUQHG $ERXW 0HQWDO +HDOWK IRU :HOIDUH 2IĂ€FHU Manic depressive Stephen Garry has tweeted his dismay at realising the position of 7ULQLW\ :HOIDUH RIĂ€FHU LV basically a fully waged condom dispenser. “I just wanted to help people‌â€? vented the disillusioned wannabe psychologist, with an uncomfortably

FORVH VHOĂ€H DWWDFKHG 7KLV tweet was followed by several, increasingly less coherent tweets such as: “Not one person has burst LQWR P\ RIĂ€FH FU\LQJÂŤ i mean‌ is it me?â€?, “â€? and “#notasitseemsâ€?.

After a third of a bottle of gin his public therapy session descended into

nonsensical jabber. Garry has since released a statement, outlining that his account was hacked and he in fact never tweeted a picture of his crotch to an incoming fresher calling himself ‘Carlos Welfare’.

Our hearts go out to Mr. Garry in his hour of need.

“I don’t really get any of the jokes, they just seem to be having the craic with their mates to be honest. Its not really a newspaper‌â€?

Jonathan Byrne SF Law & Political Science “It just seems quite offensive to be honest�

Dr. Tim Trimble Junior Dean “DĂłnal is just taking advantage of Cormac’s good will, the Piranha used to be amazing, DĂłnal has just turned it into a mouthpiece for the CSCâ€?

Ciara Coughlan, Chair of the Electoral Commission. “Why are there so many pictures, can they not think of anything to write?�

Matthew Brazel, JS History “They pay their fees so I couldn’t really give a fuck to be honest�

Provost Patrick Prendergast “Can you seriously just get the fuck out of my RIĂ€FHÂľ Damien Carr (let go) ex-Chair of Trinity Publications

News | 3

4 April 2013

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

What they said around College this week “I fucking hate my job‌â€?

Stephen Garry is sick of hearing other peoples problems

“This is a good day for students�

Tom Lenihan hangs up his onesie DQG HQWHUV +RXVH IRU WKH ÀUVW WLPH

´/HW 7$3 EH WKH ÀUVW WR JR ¾ College Fellows react gleefully to Ruairi Quinn’s savage cuts

“Law Soc elections are entirely fair and transparent. Allegations of rigging have been completely overblown.�

Robert Mugabe.

“Down it fresher, you little TXHHU Âľ Patrick Prendergast encourages students to get involved. “No, no you’re thinking of my sister. She’s over there.â€?

Rebecca Keating

“Yeah Aaron Heffernan, complete OHJHQG 5HDOO\ VRXQG WRR Âľ Person who has never met Aaron Heffernan, upon watching Love/ Hate

“Shit where did all the XL ones go??�

Hugh O’Reilly JF Law gets slightly overexcited at the sight of free condoms.

“To call the Provost an educator is to call Stone Cold Steve Austin an athlete�

Big talk from SU Hack

“I only know a few chords�

Fresher who only knows a few chords, attempting to convince new friends that he knows more than a few chords.

ON THIS DAY IN TRINITY 1999 In an administrative error, Lucinda Creighton is awarded a law degree

2009 UCD Lipdub stopped being a good concept

1967 Tom Lenihan born

2014 -&5 GHVSHUDWHO\ WU\ WR ÀQG ZD\ to spend third year in halls.

2012 Patrick Prendergast is spotted in Mumbai at a cattle mart trying to purchase students, he is dismayed when told that that isn’t how things are done there.

1968 Riots happen in other colleges.

Not really our scene.

2013 )LQQ 0XUSK\ GHĂ€QLWHO\ doesn't start teeing up his Ents campaign 1882 A young Oscar Wilde expresses confusion at seeing Jack Leahy at local gay hangout

Notes from the Throne

1978 Wheelchair lift installed in GMB for ever-expanding Mary Harney.

Welcome Freshers. By now you've had three days' experience of the cesspit of blood, slaughter and Ascendancy fashion that is Trinity College Dublin. This publication is your source for all things factual, gossipy and downright serious that occur within the hallowed walls of

this Elizabethan bubble. If you don't understand some of the articles, worry not only about ten of our mates do. Some day you will realise that the world of SU ofÀFHUV FROOHJH VRFLHWLHV DQG inanely minor gossip therein is not indeed the axis around which the entire western

Editors-in-Chief: Cormac Shine Dónal McKeating Copy Editor: Glen Byrne Senior Writer: Hugh Guidera Writers: Anna Sheehan Conor Crummey Jamie Murphy SWAG: Jack Toner Good Riddance: Dave Byrne Asian Correspondent: Ricky McCormick Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll: Damien Carr The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems.

Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional.

Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious.

The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case.

The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking.

The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

world spins, but until that day, it is our quest to ensure that we don't take ourselves too seriously. Get your face out of the gutter and have a great week.

Much Love Cormac Shine DĂłnal McKeating

4 April 2013

4 | News

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'LG LW (YHU /HDYH" 6WXGHQW %RG\ Alumnus of Fish Soc and Trinity College’s IDYRXULWH 'HHS +RXVH $Ă€FLRQDGR KDV quashed a vicious rumour that had been circulating around college for the past few months. Nights out over the past 18 months have become all too conservative with passed out hunzos being trailed around in rickshaws at an all time low and the craze of “Party Vommingâ€? subsiding quite dramatically along with Disco Naps. College authorities have also become concerned at this development after Provost Prendergast’s request for a high Ă€YH DIWHU KH WROG D JURXS RI 7$3 VWXGHQWV about one particularly gruesome act of Ă€QJHULQJ KH FRPPLWWHG LQ FROOHJH ZDV PHW with a steely gaze. In a landmark summit with Trinity’s Dean of Students Dr. Amanda Piesse he proudly announced; “Prepare to GLS \RXU Ă€QJHU VQRXWV LQ WKH PRLVWHVW RI WURXJKV ODGVÂľ 7KLV PDUNV WKH IXOĂ€OOPHQW RI D SURPLVH 5H\QROGV KDG PDGH IURP KLV Ă€UVW

GD\ LQ WKH RIĂ€FH WR ´%ULQJ IUHHGRP DQG VHOI H[SUHVVLRQ EDFN WR WKH GDQFHĂ RRUV RI 'XEOLQÂľ This announcement was met by raucous high Ă€YHV IURP ´WKH ODGVÂľ DQG EHZLOGHUHG ORRNV from the socially appalling members of Sci Fi and Gamers who had gathered to hear the big announcement. A college spokesperson echoed Reynolds comments on the return of this glorious and hallowed tradition; “For too long women have been forced to enter an alleyway outside a nightclub, having to endure the poignant shock of an icy FROG Ă€QJHU SHQHWUDWLQJ WKHLU Ă DS :LWK WKLV welcome proclamation us women are free to be worn as a glove where we please.â€? :RPHQV ULJKWV JURXSV KDYH DSSODXGHG 'U Piesse’s courageous stand to ensure that women once again reclaim their rights to be pleasured in public once more; this led to one DUGEs representative to proclaim, “Dr. Piesse truly is the Rosie Hackett of the 21st

Century. I am suddenly awash with this new feeling of well..I don’t know how to explain it...This must be what happiness feels like!!�

7KLV QHZ Ă€QJHULQJ SROLF\ LV VHW WR EH XQYHLOHG in the Academy on the Monday of Freshers’ :HHN ZLWK -&5 3UHVLGHQW &RQRU 2¡0HDUD unveiling a crash course in Fingering led E\ WKHLU YHU\ RZQ :HOIDUH 2IĂ€FHU &LDQ Lawless. He informed the 500 bewildered and innocent young trainee puppeteers to JR RXW WR WKH %DWWOHĂ€HOG QLJKWFOXE DQG EH fearless in their pursuit of partners, although +DOOV¡ QHZHVW UHVLGHQWV KDG GLIĂ€FXOW\ JHWWLQJ WR JULSV ZLWK 5\DQ¡V PXFK IHDUHG Ă€QJHULQJ techniques he has told this Piranha reporter that, “...by nightfall on Monday these soldiers will be ready for carnageâ€?

As Reynolds has just recently prophesied due to these recent developments; “Its morning in Trinity once again�.

News | 5

4 April 2013

"My Minority of the Month" - Jack Leahy Well done to the Gay, who have won my monthly great minority award!

In the ‘social outreach’ element of my sabbatical position, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some fantastic minorities, the ethnic, the disabled, but who can do frivolous fun like our pink pals? Some close minority friends of mine brought me along to Prhomo several times

“Way to be!â€?, I felt compelled to shout at one self-accepting young couple at the bar. “Thanks, Jack. That means so much to usâ€?, their wry smiles seemed to say. “I’m just so happy that you are YOU!â€?, I encouraged another with D Ă€UP KDQGVKDNH KRSLQJ WKDW P\ SRZHU DV RIĂ€FHU could go some way to cheering them up in this

“I’m just so happy that you are YOU!â€? over Summer, and boy FDQ WKH\ SDUW\ 7R Ă€W LQ with these veritable gay fashionistas, I wore my best Penneys “shoodieâ€? and ‘Next’ bootcut jeans.

Sorry fellas, I’m only here for support! It was so great to see students reaching their potential and contributing to the colourful woven cloth of our campus.

bad world. “Well done�, I mouthed at a shavenheaded(!) girl during a particularly catchy song

by Mika. When I gave her the two ‘Leahy’ thumbsup she was delighted with herself, let me tell you, was proud to be dancing and why shouldn’t she be, with these quirky fellas and gals. What kooks! the brave little trooper. “Hey fellas, is it always The positive, dogma- such a hoot in here?â€?, changing photo-ops were I asked the 2 bouncers Ă RZLQJ DQG , IRU RQH on the door on the way

out. Their silence spoke volumes! With a knowing wink, for I was a covert agent as it were, I left them to it, as shepherds RI WKH SUHFLRXV Ă RFN 6R keep an eye out for them

on campus and remember to shout your approval or give one a wholesome pat on the back; they love it!

And remember, keep on dancin’!

Trinity Five Really Breaks New Ground this Year, Says Nobody The UT’s sneak preview RI WKH WRS ÀYH LQ WKH ubiquitous Trinity Twenty, chronicling College’s great

a shocker with this one, nobody could have seen this coming, and there’s QR TXHVWLRQ WKDW WKHVH ÀYH

"We will rule the World" Trinity Five and powerful, has been people will all go on to rule PHW ZLWK D à RRG RI SUDLVH the world.� for its original offering.

Others were similarly “The inclusion of two surprised by the list’s 68 RIĂ€FHUV ZDV D VKRFN Âľ make-up. “I mean I hate 6D\V DQ 68 RIĂ€FHU ´,W¡V inane navel-gazing, so also great that the auditors this year’s list was really a of two large societies have breath of fresh air. It really been included, and the shows the diversity that zany “characterâ€? on the exists in college when the list, that’s a must.

WRS ÀYH IHDWXUHV D WRNHQ girl, a token gay and three Overall UT have pulled lads from Fish Soc.�

Letters | 6

1 November 2012

A Fresher's Guide, by D.U.B.E.S. We here at the Piranha are 100% committed to making sure all of our incoming freshers become the biggest legends they can possibly can be. No one else on campus knows how to be class better than our good friends over at DUBES, because who needs to be a big society when you can sound like a big society??

So we got them to give you a brief guide on how to be claaaaaaaaaaass‌ 1. (a)Change yourself. Whatever you were in secondary school, now is your only opportunity to totally change that and be the complete opposite, or at least be way more claaaaaaaaaaass. College is a time for growth and development, and what better way to do that then dress exactly the way ev-

erybody else is BESS does, Abercrombie and Beige (possibly even Maroon) chinos are ESSENTIAL. Keeeeeeeeey. (b) Or stay exactly the same, get nothing really out of the college experience by staying mates with the other Blackrock lads, occasionally still going to D2s but mainly wetting your beak at Coppers and Krystle.

2. Only hang out with other Trinity people. You were selected by the Queen to be here for a reason; you are more intelligent and a better person than pretty much everyone outside of these four walls. There is nothing wrong with reminding the homeless of their place by having a quick piss on them while they sleep on the street.

But don’t forget the dimmer lads in your crew who

got Commerce, so UCD funnier than taking a piss Student Bar is also legit. in the Ladies Bogs!! And like there isn’t anything 3. Ironic photos with mi- racist about taking photos norities are absolutely with toilet attendants, they CRUCIAL, getting pho- are people too like... tos with toilet attendants is just so hilarious and its not 4. Skip lectures to go for racist or anything. Also on coffee with other relevant nights out there is nothing people, make sure you

check in when hitting up the Coffee District (Dawson Street) with your mates. All of your classmates and former school friends must be aware of just how hungover you are.

6WHDO D WUDIÀF FRQH ,W¡V still funny!)

TCD To Ban US Students, Cite Fear of Bloody Gun Massacre The potential bloody slaughter of the student body has led Trinity College Admissions 2IĂ€FH WR WDNH D 8 WXUQ RQ its drive to relentlessly pander to US students.

The announcement, made yesterday, was particularly shocking considering the large fees on offer from US students studying in Ireland, with Patrick Prendergast citing the undesirability of campus-wide massacres, a quirk particular to US universities. “America has some wonderful cultural H[SRUWV VXFK DV Ă€OPV PRGHUQ literature and astronomical university fees,â€? said the Provost yesterday, “But I feel that mass gun slaughter of innocents doesn’t quite

Ă€W ZLWK WKH 7ULQLW\ FXOWXUH It’s a brand new year, and I’m sure all of our refreshed students are looking forward to another massacre-free Michaelmas.â€? “Besides,â€? added Prendergast, “students can’t very well pay fees if they’re dead.â€?

trenchcoat combo was met with similar aversion by the student population. “I just don’t think it’s quite ‘Trinity’, I mean look at me, I know Trinity.�, commented William Dunne. “Trinity has a reputation for being the ‘you don’t get murdered’

It's Politcal Correctness Gone Mad 'XEOLQ 8QLYHUVLW\ 5LĂ H &OXE 7KH PRYH Ă€WV ZHOO ZLWK student sentiment on the issue; last month a University Times Survey showed Trinity students to reject US university ‘Fraternity Culture’ and it seems the prospect of being slaughtered by a guy with a ponytail-

University. It’d be such a shame to ruin that just for the sake of a passing fad.�

Incoming scholars were particularly happy with the news, given that they stand to get better accommodation and not be murdered in a

OHFWXUH :HOIDUH 2IĂ€FHU Stephen Garry similarly welcomed the proposal, calling being shot “a serious threat to a student’s welfare.

What we really need are more condoms.� Dublin 8QLYHUVLW\ 5Là H &OXE DJUHHG that gun control measures are needed but argued that a complete ban on campus shootings was excessive.

The College has even announced more proactive, preventative measures this year to tackle inevitable incidents such as the new “Spot the Weirdo� Campaign, which encourages students to employ the dual techniques of vigilance and ostracisation.

Students are also encouraged

to immediately report telltale signs such as loneliness, multiple assault weapon ownership and acne, and to immediately isolate these students from the social life of the College.

Opinion | 7

1 November 2012

DIARY OF A FRESHER Monday: Jesus Christ I love college!! Man, Ents ball was EFF-ING amazing.

Not to mention the fucking stuff I got earlier in the day. The SU gave me a condom, like a rubber one! I can’t believe that’s just, you know, OK. I didn’t use it or anything but it’s fucking mad that they just, like, gave it out. But fucking wait for this, Ents Freshers Ball had Le Galaxie, man, fucking Le Galaxie! 9,684 Youtube views is no fucking joke. This lad even asked me did I want yips (those are pills by the way, college is crazy!). Sean Reynolds is so sound too, I got to chat to him during Bedlam DJs (Yep, you heard right, fresher talkLQJ WR (QWV 2IĂ€FHU (YHQ IXFNLQJ TRINITY ENTS DJS played a ‘set’!

I got to chat to some pretty big society heads over the night too (ahem DUBES, no big deal.) One of them was doing 2nd year Bess for the 3rd time, what a legend!

So goes without saying, I am settling in pretty well here at Trinity.

Man, college is mental but it is expensive!! Started smoking a few days ago (Camel Blue) but just so broke after all my partying that I had to start smoking “Rollies� I even got a special box to put them in and everything. It got better though.

Obviously I had seen birds score before in school and stuff like when the lads are chanting at a good session but I saw 2 girls scoring at the Academy and it wa awesome. Just proper college lesbians, and lads weren’t even ERWKHULQJ WR WDNH VHOĂ€HV EHVLGH WKHP it’s just that normal here! Not to mention people actually going home with each other. Goodbye over-the-pantsIRQGOH MREV LQ :H]] KHOOR Ă€QJHULQJ in the Academy and half a blowjob LQ D Ă DW LQ 3KLEVERUR 2OGHU FROOHJH proper lads, sincere bird shifting, acknowledgement of sex, seriously alt music that I actually always liked genuinely really. Serious “bopâ€? man.

Prendergast Enjoys his Weekly Read of Student Grant Applications

8 | Lifestyle

1 November 2012