est. 1843 vol cl x v, i ss ue 1, Fr esher s' We ek 2 014
Trinity Awards
Lonely Hearts
Trinity Bottom 20: The Complete Profile
Freshers' Week ‘Get Your Freshers’ Week wristband now to avoid disappointment’ - Lonely mature postgrad convinced THIS will be the freshers week where he avoids crippling disappointment. page 3
More on page 9
a p ol it ic a l, l iter a r y & g ener a l ne w s-p ap er
Charity
3 dead after Trinity Ice Bucket Challenge
Ents Interview
Finn Murphy, Ents
page 5
“While many people use college as a chance to express themselves and explore their individuality those losers are also the ones staying home on a Saturday night watching Wes Anderson movies while you'll be busy scoring the face off a 7.5 at The Button Factory.”
Current Affairs
Senior officials' iClouds hacked: Nudes inside
page 7
DU Amnesty launches brand new Emergency Fundraising Appeal
© The Piranha, 2012. All Rights Reserved.
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Campus News
Fee-Paying American Students Now Guaranteed 3 Seats Each on Ussher Fourth Floor “in case two of them don’t work”
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till surfing the [metaphorical] wave of criticism following his implementation of a guarantee of on-campus accommodation to incoming US students at the expense of final year students, postgraduates and scholars, Patrick Prendergast has [metaphorically] surfed into a shore of mounting anger after expanding the scheme to library-access.
crushing student debt in coming to Trinity. Prendergast has aroused criticism for this policy-shift from establishment figures within college who accuse it of being a subtle move towards privatisation and further economic valuation of academic potential; accusations which Prendergast has stridently dismissed with a defiant and lucid Wexford mumble.
It has been reported that guarantees were made in pitches to prominent international secondary schools that students who racked up crippling student debt were assured 3 library seats at any time “for triple the academic potential” at the expense of students from EU countries who acquire merely
Students were most angered, however, not by the policy itself but by college attitudes towards potential solutions. In the wake of controversial summer emails suggesting addresses of Dublin hostels which students can stay in for a year, having been rejected accommodation (not satire), the senior lecturer has
emailed incoming Junior Freshmen who have been barred from the BLU library complex suggesting that, for intellectual stimulation, they read the various “leaflets, brochures and packaged foodstuffs positioned liberally around the arts block foyer”, going on to inspirationally quote alumnus Oscar Wilde that ‘education is the sum total of what happens outside of the classroom’ from which they are also now officially barred by College statute. Prendergast has been quick to highlight the positives of this controversial position in tying it in with his equally controversial entrepeneurship philosophy. With Irish and EU students now restricted access to the ba-
Prendergast excited for Dynamic Budding Entrepreneurs of Tomorrow Week
"I see an I economy without any labour force"
n a statement released this week, Provost Patrick Prendergast declared his excitement at the arrival of a new cohort of dynamic future entrepreneurs on campus. Delivering a welcoming address in the university’s new Profit Hub (formerly the Exam Hall), the Provost elaborated on his vision of project management enterprise co-ordination: ‘For me, it’s entrepreneurs all the way down. I see an economy without any labour force whatsoever, just entrepreneurs from horizon to
Hist Auditor Ordered by Committee to Change Name to Michael Coleperson
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n a recent wave of degendering mandated under the Hist’s law changes, their auditor Michael Coleman is now to be referred to in all official proceedings as Michael Coleperson. Moreover, he is now not to stand in public meetings of the society in such a phallic manner, and is rather to lie on
his chair, curled up in a foetal position, calling speakers in debates to the podium by passing typed messages (font size 8, sans serif font) onto the table from his curled-up hovel. Leaked photograph of Coleperson standing upright conducting some business on a cell phone.
horizon. Some might call me a dreamer, or a maverick, or even economically illiterate, but this is a vision which will never die.’ Prendergast was careful to reassure students worried about the impact of the college’s new enterprise platform on campus diversity - ‘At Trinity, we never want any student to feel intimidated just because you’re not white and middle-class. That’s why we’ve developed a whole host of new programmes designed to help you pretend to be white and middle-class.’
sic academic and welfare provisions of traditional university life, the Provost has noted that Lavazza Coffee in the Arts Block sources products from
both Kraft Foods and Strauss Group, each of them companies build on entrepeneurial spirit and a belief in hard work.
I didn't REALLY want to do medicine anyway" says Science student.
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cience student Gary McNamara says that despite putting medicine as his first 5 choices on the CAO he was actually lucky not to receive any offers and instead end up in general science. "I mean it's just so much broader, I can now spend four years doing this degree and then go on to do something else, like maybe medicine, I don't know." Gary reassures himself. Gary has wanted to be a doctor all his life, ever since he was a young lad "I remember picking up a toy stethoscope and knowing
this was the path for me. But toddlers don't know shit, and college is a time for change, I'm glad that I didn't just follow my childhood dreams." He leaves us with a question, "when's the last round of offers again?
"Skulls found under college green. Along with the dreams of BESS students and etc." - More on Page. 28
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Campus News
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt
“Don’t I look just like Lana Del Rey?” TAF Treasurer, making a flower crown
‘They don’t call it The Button Factory for nothing. It’s because you shag so many people there you feel like you’re in a..a..button factory for shagging people.” Finn Murphy on Fresher's Week
- Patrick Prendergast, Provost
Fresher from the country lying to mother
‘’Trinity’s a University? Oh shit, I wanted to go to a college, not a university. The Provost really could have clarified that” International JF Student
Notes from the Throne I
On This Day in Trinity "Maybe if had my engineering degree had more mandatory entrepreneurship classes I wouldn't be running this school into the ground"
“Yeah yeah honestly, some really nice old buildings, Just one or two in the Arts block but most of the
1592 Trinity College is established upon the former grounds of All Hallows Business Priory of Synergie and Entrepreneurshippe 1747 Edmund Burke hosts a legendary Freshers’ Week UV glowpaint party.
2015 That guy who made your first year class group on facebook starts gearing up his SU election campaign
2017 Trinity introduces first lecture series delivered entirely via Snapchat 2022 Current DU Engineering Soc auditor announced as online editor of LadBible 2014 You spend 75 minutes looking for a taxi after Fresher’s Ball in the rain with that guy you shifted, but now you’re kind of regretting hanging about and he’s asking how far away your room in Halls is and he vomited on Camden Street and there’s a bit on his collar.
f Trinity is a fishbowl then The Piranha is not, as you might expect a Piranha, or even a fish, but rather a small plastic figurine planted in the pebbles at the bottom; poorly produced, quite garish, produced with low-grade plastic and non-toxic paint but also all-seeing. As you hang around in Freshers' Week of your first year you'll inevitably take at least one or two figures on campus seriously, be they SU, college societies, or even Trinity administrative staff. Don't. The Piranha is there to provide a healthy counterbalance to that authority with leaked facebook and email screenshots, lazy satire and crude impersonation. Don't worry if you don't understand the jokes; no one does, but do be prepared to pretend to get them, as chuck-
ling knowingly around a shared copy of The Piranha is a classic 'first week' college experience: "Hahaha that IS just like something Finn Murphy would say. He's just like that apparently. They really nailed his existing character traits there and exaggerated them for comedic effect, I presume. Brilliant!" Really, the two most important things to take away from this are to make sure you have a laugh at any failure or figure within Trinity and to screenshot any compromising facebook conversation you have with Domhnall McGlacken Byrne which can be taken out of context and send it to guiderah@tcd.ie.
Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.
omnivorous[3] fish such as pacus.[4] Traditionally, only the four genera Pristobrycon, Pygocentrus, Pygopristis, and Serrasalmus are considered to be true piranhas, due to their specialized teeth. Piranhas are normally about 14 to 26 cm long (5.5 to 10.25 in), although some specimens have been reported to be up to 43 cm (17.0 in) in length, and the opinions expressed therein are not reflective of the Piranha as a creature, its constitutive writers and editor, nor of Trinity College. The Piranha is also a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. Serious complaints about the content should be addressed to The Editor, Regent House, Trinity College Dublin. Frivolous complaints should be sent to the same address, where they may be used as material for the following issue. Complaints about the way things are just absolutely going down the drain these days with the kids smashing windows and smoking hash now around the corner from the house are to be sent in telephonic form to Joe Duffy, Liveline.
Editor-in-Chief: Hugh Guidera Design/Copy Editor: Jordan Boyd Foreign Correspondent: Anna Sheehan Writers: Aifric Ni Chriodain Hannah Beresford Oswald Michael Barton Eoin O'Gorman Paul Corcoran Aisling Crabbe Anonymous Contributor: Cormac Shine The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and a member of family Characidae[1] in order Characiformes, an omnivorous[2] freshwater fish that inhabits South American rivers. In Venezuela, they are called caribes. They are known for their sharp teeth, powerful jaws, and voracious appetite for meat. Piranhas belong to the subfamily Serrasalmina, which includes closely related
Have a nice week, Hugh Guidera
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Campus News
University Times to Release Collectors’ Cards of Builders Involved in Reinstating Front Gate
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ollowing on from their assiduous daily facebook updates over the summer of the progress of front arch, the UT are to release a special ‘Rebuilding of Front Arch’ commemorative supplement in their next issue. Moreover, deciding that daily photos of builders smiling as they stood in the arch throughout the month of June were not enough, they have now decided to release special cards featuring individual Dunwoody & Dobinson craftsmen, featuring a photograph, quote, favourite element of the Front Gate and ‘special oak restoration skill’. The process was, of course, not without its controversies or detractors. The Socialist Workers’ Student Society has, in recent weeks, headed up a small but not insignificant campaign for the reinstatement of the mas-
sive plywood boards which substituted for the oak gate in the early summer period. Campaigning on an anti-elitism and subsequently on an anti-var-
nish platform, Trinity working class hero Basil Hensley argued that the antiquated gate served as a metaphorical barrier to Trinity. It is, in fact, just wood.
4th year BESS student says 3rd summer in a row in Ios was ‘best yet’ and ‘not sad at all’. A
"I'm like Lord Byron, had that little pussy hit the gym."
h man. I can’t believe this lad from my year spent the summer in an office like Google or something. Do you not spend enough time in the library during the year like? I basically spend my summers travelling; Ios, Santa Ponsa, Pag. Culture excites me. I have now a t-shirt (sleeveless and with a low neckline, in the Mediterranean fashion) from each of these places bearing funny local phrases like ‘Bitch I’m in Ponsa” and “I’m in Pag Bitch”. Travelling is my life to such a degree that I already changed my cover photo to ‘Summer 2015’ written in block font on a heavily colour saturated image of a lounger under a silhouetted palmtree at sunset. This soul needs to breathe. The dream, of course, is to explore the remotest corners like South-east Asia; and I mean really explore. I’m talking UV glowpaint full moon parties in Thailand, sampling the local cocktail buckets, posing for a photo with a tiger
in an underfunded zoo whose evidently insufficient welfare policy I won’t interrogate, wearing vests and a straw trilby everywhere and taking ironic photos with locals which undermine their cultural autonomy. Really immerse myself like the locals presumably do.
Oh to dream of distant lands and oceans full of hope. I’m like Lord Byron, had that little pussy hit the gym. Anyway, back to my summer just gone, spent on the fantastic island of Ios, off the coast of Greece or Cyprus or Budapest or something. There was a fantastic spirit of youth which my classmate losers must have been missing in their summer Washington internships. My mate Hendo ended up bringing back a leaving cert girl on the Tuesday. Actually Lorcan definitely ended up shifting some leaving cert one on the Friday too, come to think of it. Actually, I don’t think we met anyone else there over 19…. I…..no...no I couldn’t
be a loser….all those girls I shifted like… and that trick I can do where I can make my
pecs dance to Avicii....yeah... yeah!!!. Yeah it’s probably fine. Bring on the DUBES ball!
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Campus News Trinity announces free oversized leather jackets and 6-packs of Harp to triple number of Northern Irish students by 2015
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ollowing the Provost’s announcement over summer that the College planned to triple the number of incoming Northern Irish students by 2015, the Piranha has gained privileged access to the scheme’s procedural details. The first step towards tripling the intake is tripling the size of Methody College in Belfast, from which fucking every Northern Irish student in Trinity comes. The scheme is expected to benefit others too, with Basil-Alastair Donnelan and Alastair McAllister from Rev. McAllister College Newry describing the proposal to now require a minimum of 3 rather than 4 A level subjects as “like our birthday and the twelfth all rolled into one” More vital still are social ‘pull factors’ to make the college an appealing environment, with existing stu-
Scholars oppose Provost’s ‘Less Free Stuff’ Initiative T
rinity College Scholars have expressed their collective disgust at the recent decision by the College to lessen the amount of free stuff they get. Speaking after the decision by the Provost to put students who actually pay for their oncampus accommodation in oncollege accommodation this academic year, some spotty lad said to the Piranha. “Scholars of this University have a prestigious, and much-cherished history of sponging off the college with no sense of perspective or graciousness. To be awarded a scholarship, a student must display an outstanding aptitude in the sense of their own selfentitlement. dents being encouraged to wear large leather jackets and bootcut jeans and speak in an un-
necessarily raised voice at the end of sentences.
dergast decided to move the Scholars’ free accommodation from College grounds to Trinity Halls. The facilities there were deemed ‘far from appropriate’ by the Scholars Committee, who cited the increased travelling distance to their free meals in the Dining Hall as grounds for complaint. “What’s the good in free education and free meals if you have to commute 30 minutes from your free accommodation to avail of said other free shit?” said an insider source who wished to remain anonymous for safety reasons, but to be described as Source A Sch. for self-esteem reasons.
The latest row between the college and the Scholars erupted when Provost Patrick Pren-
Exposé on Welfare Concerns in Horse Racing Soc
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"The hype is real"
or Síofra ní Síofra-Sheeny it was the ideal social opportunity in college. Things seemed to have been going downhill ever since she was the girl who managed to score the captains of The Belvedere, Newbridge and Gonzaga JCTs in one night at Wezz. After that, people thought she was just a looker cruising through school and then first year law in Trinity. Then help came in the form of Clare Kelly’s outstretched hand and a black t-shirt and visor combo. “It was a dream come true”, she tells us in an anonymous interview [oh shit, blur out Síofra’s name there and change ‘Clare Kelly’ to ‘unnamed Horse Racing Soc auditor’ - ed.] “The hype was back in my life. It was back in a major way. I felt like I was really someone, like one of those women who drives the Red Bull cars and gives free cans of Red Bull to school boys, or, dare I dream, like one of the women who drive the Spin 103.8 mini coopers.” The hype however, despite what Jack Cantillon and successive Horse Soc generations tried
to have campus believe, was most definitely NOT real. “It was coming up to this Freshers’ Week and I had just turned 20”, she continues, now with the quavering voice of someone about to drop some serious goss. “I already knew I was older than the others, and Clare had half-jokingly talked about putting me out to pasture. The younger ones began asserting their dominance in the Fresh-
ers’ Week stand, making jokes at my expense, laughing about ‘old Siofra in her 20s’ and urinating on my territory.” Clare’s email vividly highlights the social dynamics of the group, with younger rising hype merchants challenging for Freshers’ Week primacy, at the expense of older Horse Racing Soc promo members who, in flagrant violation of CSC and
College’s welfare policy, are boiled down into glue once they hit their twenties. This newspaper tried to contact the Horse Racing Soc auditor enquiring about the allegations, but merely received an out of office automated reply, assuring us that “The hype is real”. For too many young women on campus, that hype is all too real.
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Campus News
DU Amnesty Accomplishes Goal of Raising Student Self-satisfaction Levels by 30%. "Just one table quiz can really make a difference"
Fiachra is a 20 year old philosophy and Spanish student from Rathgar. When he sees television ads which introduce impoverished Somalian children he feels a transient pang of guilt. For only €2,300 per year, CSC funding can help Fiachra to alleviate his guilt through funding elaborate performance art pieces in Front Square highlighting the plight of persecuted minorities in Myanmar, or in propping up loss-making coffee mornings in the Atrium. Du Amnesty has made this possible for people like Fiachra and many more students like him. Unfortunately cuts to the CSC budget this year have hit funding hard, limiting opportunities for countless
students to haul themselves out of crippling white guilt and get an ace line on their CV. This is why we are appealing to you for funding. For €7 euro, Fiachra can have a fruit of the loom t-shirt that features an anti-death penalty message which he hopes will make him the ‘nice guy’ in his class. €20 can go towards funding an airconditioned coach to bring him to an anti-hunting rally in Galway. €350 can fund the manufacturing of a cage which will be suspended from a cherrypicker with an invariably goodlooking female student inside to highlight illegal detention in Guantanamo. Please donate. Just one sponsored table quiz can really make a difference.
My Summer Volunteering Country Student Shunned after revealing ignorance in India of Senior Cup Conor O'Meara
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was overwhelmed by the support I received during my trip this summer, volunteering with SUAS, to India: 257 likes on the profiler, another 121 on the cover photo and 12 comments overall. Thanks so much to everyone for making the experience so worthwhile! It’s so gratifying to come back to your hotel after a day slumming it in the school or at your global inequality lecture series at Delhi University (Restructure global debt now, guys!) and find out that it hasn’t been for nothing when you see those likes rolling in. What’s that phrase, like, give a child a fish and they’ll eat for a day or teach a child to fish while taking a picture of it and you’ll have a class photo to put on instagram. Sometimes when this young boy I was working with in the local orphanage collapsed on top of me with fatigue I was just astonished at how rude he was; I really felt like some basic manners or recognition really couldn’t go amiss, so it meant a lot to know the guys were “spilling some out” for me back home. Obviously I wasn’t
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going for the recognition or the kudos, but you know, like helloooo guys, I am giving up MY summer to help YOU with your malaria so you could maybe get out of that bed to even say goodbye, you know? You guys seemed pretty smiley for ‘Humans of New York’ when he visited so at least put in some effort with me, alright? Obviously I’m not pissed off or anything, but a sense of humour might be worth considering alright? Fionnán found my ‘Shanty town banty town’ joke really fucking funny, and that was over the non verbal medium of snapchat, so some polite laughter in the classroom might’ve been nice.
he age-old tensions between town and country came to a head during the Law and Business class mixer in the Law School earlier this week when incoming student Richie McMorrisey, attempting to participate in the conversation of his classmates, casually asked if the Senior Cup was a cricket tournament, before going on to ask if Brown Thomas was a quaint nickname given to a local old man, as is the case in his native Newmarket-on-Fergus.. “He didn’t even realise what he’d done.” said Saoirse FitzWilliam-Noble. “He just started rabbiting on about Championship weekend which presumably has something to do with cattle marts” McMorrissey, a Clare native, is equally baffled by his classmates. “They’re a quare group, I’m not going to lie to ya. And they didn’t even know that the hurling final went to a replay, and it was unbelievable stuff in fairness.” It is hoped that the power of peer pressure will have the desired effect of causing McMorrissey to forget his bogger roots and become a proper Leinster
"No more of this bogball and hurling nonsense" supporter, no more of this bogball and hurling nonsense. Otherwise a long four years of lurking alone in the library and escaping to Coppers to hang out with UCD people is inevitable for the Clareman.
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Campus News
Trinity Ball 2015 Delayed in Order to Facilitate “Best Lineup Yet”, announces Finn Murphy S "these acts are gonna blow your MINDS."
tudents were dismayed this week to learn that this year’s Trinity Ball is to be held two weeks later than normal, bringing the blow-out event even closer to the end of year exams. Ents officer Finn Murphy was quick to account for the decision, reasoning that this new date would bring students more impressive acts than ever before. In an exclusive interview with The Piranha, Murphy explained,
“It’s not a big deal lads, totally worth it. I don’t want to give too much away at this stage in the game, but these acts are gonna blow your MINDS. Cheeky teaser? Haha alright lads, you’ve twisted my arm. How about two cheeky blond chappies from Lucan? That
give you an idea? You want more? You guys! Alright alright, another big homegrown star. Don’t wanna say too much but her last name rhymes with Hum-ba. Any clue? Hey, hang on, here’s another one. Any French students in the house? Wanna hear our main stage headliner? Yeah? Well, what’s the French for “The Galaxy”? Talk about your Trinity Ball exclusive! Don’t wanna knock my predecessors but I reckon this is one of the finest line-ups yet. I know some weaselly med students are all worked up about missing a few days in the library or whatever, but realistically they’ve never been my target audience, you know what I mean? I actually don’t
have exams this year anyway so it doesn’t matter to be honest. What’s that? People think MCD are screwing us over? Nah man! MCD are great lads to work with! The MCD-Ents partnership is stronger than ever. MCD have revolutionised the Irish entertainment scene since 1980. MCD is the largest events promotions and productions
company in Ireland. Shows range from live music, theatre, opera, exhibitions, children's shows, festivals, comedy and other events. MCD’s upcoming shows are not to be missed. Catch Jake Bugg, The Script, and Ant and Dec Live in Dublin over the next few months, all thanks to MCD.”
Junior Sophister LawPol Student Finds His “Mad Provost sends list of recommended park benches and bridges for students Craic” Erasmus is a bit Lonely to be Honest
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unior Sophister Law and Politics student Finnán McRuairi today was said to be having doubts about his “Alternative” Erasmus destination. McRuairi opted for the “wild card” Erasmus option when filling out his form in March, “just for the laugh like”, admitting that he was a bit “sloshed” at the time following a networking event with the Law School and A&L Goodbody when he came home and placed Vanadzor State Pedagogical Institute, Armenia, at the top of his form. “It was kind of a joke really, but i figured it’d be grand, you know? It was way down the bottom of the list, but I didn’t think Trinity would send me anywhere really terrible? I mean, they care about the students don’t they? I figured it’d be like Croatia, you know, all beaches, techno festivals and hot slutty Eastern European girls, but it’s not as much craic as I figured it would be. There aren’t really any other international students here. I went out on my second night here and it’s cool cos the drink’s cheap but the Armenian gardai kinda cornered me as I was heading to the club and wouldn’t let me go until I gave them fifty euro. I dunno if I was
supposed to do that but I didn’t understand what they were saying and I was on my own so I didn’t know what to do. Did I do the right thing?”
Life. I’m not gonna lie, the keg parties and freshman rushes over here are pretty slick but that is on a whole other LEVEL! I joined a frat.”
Vanadzor is Armenia’s third largest city, best known for its booming industry - in particular its four chemical plants and its thermal power plant, established in 1961. Vanadzor State Pedagogical Institute currently has 300 students, and boasts such facilities as a football pitch and a computer room which is scheduled for completion in early 2018. McRuairi is among the first TCD students to have taken advantage of his college’s Erasmus partnership with the Armenian institution. McRuairi’s classmates were extremely supportive of his decision. Speaking from his own Erasmus placement at UCAL Berkeley, fellow JS LawPol student Sean O’Dalaigh exclaimed, “YEOW! Is McRuairi a mad bastard or WHAT? Armenia man! I didn’t even know that was a country! McRowdy absolutely tearing it up on the Eastern front, reppin hard for LawPol 2016! Seriously bro, could you imagine the craic that lunatic is having over there? Cheapo vodski and ice cold Soviet babes. Shiiiit he is living. The. Good.
When he heard of his classmate’s words, McRuairi was heard to laugh weakly over the phone from his dormitory in Vanadznor. “Haha, yeah. The lads all seem to be having a really great time in the States. They were meant to Skype me the other night actually but I think they forgot. They were “Mobile Online” on Facebook chat but not “Web Online” so I think they might have been on a night out or something. Great bunch of lads. I can’t really Skype them anymore, I was trying to buy bread yesterday and someone stole my bag with my laptop in it. Ha, yeah. Bit of a pain. Listen, the connection’s kind of going, but would you Piranha guys be able to get in touch with my mam? I need her to - “ Unfortunately at this stage in the conversation the already weak phone line began to disintegrate further and our reporters were unable to distinguish McRuairi’s sentences which were increasingly muffled by the poor connection and his weak,
to sleep under.
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n response to the continuing accommodation crisis it has emerged that the Provost's office has emailed the student body with a list of recommended parks benches and bridges to sleep under for the coming academic year. Criticism was rife on social media with one postgrad student posting on the TCD Welfare page describing how, after paying thousands to Trinity and years of hard work, they won't be able to finish their masters as they are unable to find affordable accommodation.
Luckily local hero Finn Murphy showed up telling the student to down a naggin, solving the situation once and for all. Although the provost did not officially endorse Murphy's remarks the two were later seen high-fiving and performing a secret handshake which was said by one eyewitness to involve “a cool bit where their fingers interlocked, pulled back, then they fistbumped and moved their hands back like a mini explosion just happened.”