Reallife
Please Make the Mommy Guilt Go Away
leave my little ones in day care all day, every day. As one friend, Rachel Kruse of Tallahassee, pointed out, there must be some universal law mandating that all children’s “firsts” happen at day care.
By Rebecca Bonfanti
J
ust recently, I was packing for a rare weekend trip when my dad called to chat. After telling him about my plans, my very traditional father began questioning whether it was a good idea for me to leave my babies for that long. My first instinct was to laugh at his old-fashioned view of motherhood when, suddenly, I saw my son Mason’s face, and his sweet little three-year-old voice rang in my ears saying, “Don’t go, Mommy. Stay here with me. I love you.” Then, my heart sank. For me, mommy guilt began almost immediately upon having children. My husband and I waited to have children until our thirties. We did not have a plan in place but, low-andbehold, we found ourselves blessed with two little ones in two years. In addition to Mason, Miss Julia is approaching two. My main issue was the age-old question of whether to work or not. All of my family models were stay-at-home moms (or SAHM in the blogosphere), yet, I knew this option was not for me. I also knew in my heart that I could not stand to
Using guilt as a motivator, I decided to follow a dream. After five years, I left my law job and accepted a position teaching high school, where I get to do what I love and am passionate about. I also have a schedule that gives me flexibility, so that I have ample time at home with my family, too. Of course I know that not everyone has these options. For example, the high cost of child care can require a stay-at-home parent. For my law school friend Courtney Rubin, a SAHM of three, her guilt is different than mine. “There are many days when all I want is to talk to another adult other than [my husband] or a preschool teacher about something intelligent, because there was a time when I thought I was pretty smart and a valuable member of society.” Her amazing creativity has led to the development of a blog which she writes with her children to bring awareness of charities for sick and under-privileged kids, mikeyshelpingplace.wordpress.com. Then there is the guilt of time and when and how much to spend it with your children. My cousin Brittany, also a SAHM of three, has a degree in event management and plans weddings for friends based on her family’s schedule. “I remember feeling guilty when I was pregnant with my second, because I realized my first would never remember any time in which she was the only child. Then, when I was pregnant with my third, I felt guilty that my second born would be a middle child. But most of my guilt is on my actual interaction with them. Even though I’m home with them, I feel guilty for not spending as much time playing with them as I probably should. I also feel guilty for my lack of patience with them. I get easily frustrated when they don’t obey right away, which is often with a four-yearold. So, while much of my day is spent flying off the handle, most of my evenings are spent recapping the day, regretting the harsh words and tone in which I spoke to them.” Another friend, Nikki from Georgia, is the divorced mother of sweet Gabby. She wrote to me recently of her mommy guilt. “I’m the only disciplinarian. I worry that I have somehow messed up her life, because I chose to divorce her father. I also have guilt every time I put a pizza in the oven because I am so exhausted that I do not want to cook a full meal.” Any of these scenarios sound familiar? None of us are immune to guilt. For me, having a strong support system made up of family and close friends is extremely important in alleviating the pressures of parenthood. Parenting groups are another good
28 t a l l a h a s s e e
wo m a n
• A p r i l / M ay 2012
MY “MOMMY” BLOG ROLL • embracingtheinsanity.wordpress.com • pearlsandgrace.blogspot.com • kellyskornerblog.com • blueeyedbride.com • lynseyandbrian.blogspot.com • amommyinthecity.com • lifeingraceblog.com • paigeknudsen.blogspot.com