A Guide To Adopting On Your Own

AGUIDETO ADOPTING ONYOUROWN

FOREW0RD

Welcome to the journey of single parenthood through adoption. Regardless of your gender identity or relationship status, embarking on the path of adoption as a single individual is a courageous and deeply rewarding endeavour. At St. David’s Adoption Service, we are committed to ensuring that every individual, regardless of their relationship status, has the opportunity to experience the joy of building a family through adoption. In this guide, we offer insights and support tailored specifically to single adopters. Parenthood, whether pursued individually or as part of a couple, shapes one ' s life profoundly As a single adopter, you may find yourself balancing personal aspirations with the responsibilities of raising a child Throughout these pages, you'll find practical advice on managing career aspirations, building support networks, navigating finances, and nurturing meaningful relationships with your child

At St. David’s, our experienced social workers are dedicated to supporting you through every stage of the adoption process. Whether you ' re just beginning or navigating parenthood, know that you ' re not alone. We're here to walk alongside you, providing the support and resources you need to thrive as a single adopter.

LETTERFROM THECEO

As the CEO of St. David's Adoption Service, I am proud to reaffirm our unwavering commitment to supporting those who adopt on their own. We recognise the unique challenges and responsibilities of single parenting and are dedicated to providing comprehensive assistance every step of the way. Our ongoing support extends beyond the adoption process itself: it encompasses a holistic approach aimed at empowering single adopters to thrive in their parenting journey.

Through tailored guidance, access to resources, and a nurturing network of professionals and fellow adoptive parents, we aim to ensure that as single adopters feel equipped, empowered, and fully supported as they navigate the joys and complexities of parenthood We understand that every family is unique, and our commitment to inclusivity and personalised support remains steadfast At St David's, we are not just an adoption service: we are a community that embraces all families, including single adopters, with open arms and unwavering support.

Jason Baker

JASON BAKER, CEO

AGUIDETO ADOPTING ONYOUROWN

PARENTING ALONE

LIFE GOALS

SUPPORT NETWORK

IN CONVERSATION 4

With Donna

MANAGING CAREERS

FINANCES

ADOPTING SIBLINGS

IN CONVERSATION

With Leeann

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

LGBTQ+ SINGLE PARENTS

CONTRIBUTORS CONTACT

PARENTING ALONE

Being single does not prevent you from creating or growing a family through adoption. Providing a nurturing, stable family environment to a child is deeply rewarding. Despite the lone responsibility, numerous single individuals adeptly navigate the journey of single parent adoption.

At St. David’s Adoption Service, we actively promote and support single individuals to adopt without discrimination. Our recent statistics reveal that nearly 22% of our adoptions in recent years were by single adopters, surpassing the UK average of 11%, a figure we are very proud of

Single Adopter versus Solo Adopter

Some individuals who adopt children on their own may have a preference for being called either a "solo adopter" or a "single adopter," reflecting personal and cultural nuances For some, the term "solo adopter" emphasises their decision to embark on the adoption journey independently, highlighting their self-sufficiency and strength as they navigate parenthood solo. On the other hand, "single adopter" may resonate more with those who identify with their status as a single parent, acknowledging the unique challenges and triumphs of raising a child alone.

Ultimately, the preference for terminology is deeply personal and may vary among individuals based on their experiences, values, and sense of identity. In this guide we use ‘Single Adopter’ for consistency.

LIFE GOALS

Adopting a child on your own undoubtedly influences your life goals in profound ways, prompting a reassessment of priorities and aspirations It demands careful contemplation of how parenthood may align with career or personal goals The decision to adopt entails sacrifices and adjustments, which may affect the pursuit of other ambitions

It's essential to consider whether you ' re comfortable with the emotional and practical implications of balancing parenthood with your existing goals Whilst adopting a child brings immense joy and fulfilment, it's important to acknowledge and reconcile any feelings of uncertainty or apprehension about the impact on your life trajectory.

Ultimately, embracing parenthood and changes as a single adopter involves embracing a new chapter of life, one that may diverge from initial plans but offers unparalleled growth, love, and purpose.

At St. David’s, your assigned social worker will offer guidance throughout your adoption journey. Many members of our social worker team possess extensive experience in assessing single adopters, providing invaluable support, advice and guidance tailored to your needs

There are also organisations such as Action for Happiness - who support and promote activities for people seeking to connect with others A potentially useful forum for single parents

Website: wwwactionforhappinessorg

SUPPORT NETWORK

All parents, regardless of their circumstances, whether single parents or part of a couple, require support Building a strong network of people around you is crucial for navigating the challenges of parenthood. It's essential to feel comfortable reaching out and asking for help when needed. Without support, even everyday tasks like grocery shopping or managing appointments can quickly become overwhelming.

This support network should extend to providing opportunities for self-care as well. Finding time for yourself, whether it's a relaxing evening out or a rejuvenating weekend break, is essential for maintaining your well-being as a parent. Having family members and friends who support your decision to parent alone and are willing to lend a helping hand in caring for your child can be incredibly valuable Their assistance can provide much-needed breaks and relief, allowing you to recharge and be the best parent you can be

For more advice on creating your support network and its importance, the agencies below offer resources

Adoption UK

Connecting people across the adoption community, supporting adopters and adoptees, and working with them to influence the decisions that affect their lives.

Website: www.adoptionuk.org

Telephone: 0800 0119 100

AFKA Association for Adoption, Fostering and Kinship Cymru

Website: www.afkacymru.org.uk

Telephone: 029 2076 1155

IN CONVERSATION

We caught up with Donna, a single adopter through St David's, to hear about their experiences. She shared insights into navigating the adoption process and adjusting to parenthood. Their reflections shed light on the unique dynamics of single parenting and offer valuable perspectives for others considering adoption.

Q: Can you share your journey as a single adopter through St David's Adoption Service? What led you to adopt, and why did you choose St David's?

A: I always knew that adoption would be part of my life at some point later down the line I always thought I would have a child or two and then adopt as I got older Things didn't turn out that way, and after trying IVF for several years and being unsuccessful, being on my own and getting older, I decided that it was time to start my adoption journey at the age of 41 I researched which adoption service I wanted to go through, and St David's stood out to me for many reasons. My initial call with Dan made me know I had chosen the right place by answering all my questions, giving me more to consider, but most of all, being able to support my dream of becoming a mother. And here, my journey began.

Q: How did St David's Adoption Service support you throughout the adoption process as a single parent? Were there any specific challenges or concerns you faced, and how were they addressed?

A: As a single adopter, I had several questions and fears that St Davids were always there to answer. They put me at ease every step of the way as it is a long and intrusive journey, but they made it as easy as possible. I was concerned that as a single person, I wouldn't be able to offer the same as a couple, I wouldn't be enough, and I would be seen as unable to provide what a child might need, etc. Still, St. David's made me realise that I had different qualities to give a child to a couple, which was just as important. They reassured me throughout the process and were with me during the critical panels, approval and matching moments. They were able to be my cheerleader, reasoning, and "significant other" to bounce things off and put my mind at ease whilst helping me see reality in my dreams of having a fantastic child to call my own. We would ride off into the sunset without any issues. They managed my expectations whilst at the same time not taking my dreams away. I had previously suffered from poor mental health, and this might be my most significant barrier. Still, with St Davids's encouragement to be as open and honest as possible and their support, I could do that and realise that it was a strength now, and I could offer that to my child.

Q: What advice would you give to other single individuals considering adoption through St David's Adoption Service? Are there any resources or support networks you found particularly helpful?

A: I advise anyone considering adoption through St. Davids to be bold and pick up that phone and make the initial contact. Make the call and talk to them, no matter what your background or blocks you have in your head. Be open and honest, no matter how hard it is and St Davids will support you. St Davids was able to signpost me to several different online courses to help me understand children in care, adoption in general, trauma, grief, etc. Adoption UK was also able to put me on courses and was able to pair me up with a buddy who was in a similar situation as myself, who I could speak to before and post-adoption. They also put me on social media groups where other single adopters were, and we could ask questions, get advice and have meet-ups locally. I did this before I adopted my daughter and was able to understand some of the struggles that also meet up after adoption, and our children could also play and talk.

Q: Can you describe the experience of building a relationship with your adopted child? How has the agency facilitated this process, and what have been some memorable moments in your journey together?

St David’s connected me with The Family Place, offering invaluable resources for both my daughter and myself postadoption However, the most invaluable support came from my dedicated social worker at St David’s She has been my constant pillar of support throughout the entire journey, from inception to completion Always available to address my concerns, answer my questions, and provide guidance, she has been instrumental in navigating the complexities of adoption Her presence at meetings with professionals post-adoption has been particularly reassuring

Building a relationship with my daughter has been a journey marked by highs and lows, but with St David’s unwavering support, we tackled challenges head-on Given that my daughter was considered one of the harder-toplace children for adoption, St David’s provided extensive support and guidance prior to our first meeting. This included preparatory work with my daughter and her foster family, as well as practical advice and activities recommended by my social worker. One particularly memorable moment was our first meeting. Having exchanged videos and messages beforehand, I arrived at her foster carer ' s house with Teddy in hand. The moment I walked through the door, I was greeted with exuberant cries of "MUMMY!!!!" as my daughter came running towards me. It was an indescribably precious moment as we embraced, falling to the ground together in a tight hug. It's a memory that will forever be etched in my heart.

Q: In what ways has becoming a single adopter changed your life, and how do you navigate parenting challenges with the support of St David's Adoption Service? What are some joys and rewards you ' ve experienced in this role?

A: Becoming a single adopter has changed my life in every way It's been a rollercoaster, but I wouldn't change it for the world From bonding to behaviours, adoration to tantrums, lack of sleep to watching her achieve new milestones, I have been supported every step along the way by St Davids They have been able to reassure me of the "normal" parenting of an adopted child and help me differentiate between being a young child and a child with my daughter's past experiences and trauma They have been able to direct me to help further and support me, and they are still there for me when I need them The whole journey has been ups and downs and everything in between My daughter had some underlying medical issues we only found out about after placement and also further undisclosed trauma that came about as our journey went on These things have been hard to manage but have ultimately made our journey what it is and our bond so much stronger

Watching her grow each day, hit milestones we never thought she would, and learn to love and trust and start to feel safe and secure has been the most fantastic part of my life, and I would not change one thing about it all. She has saved me more than she will ever know, and I thank St David’s every day for giving me this and making it possible.

MANAGING CAREERS

Adopting a child alone can have various career implications that require careful consideration Balancing work responsibilities with the demands of parenthood, especially as a single parent, may necessitate adjustments to your career trajectory or work-life balance. Flexible working arrangements, such as remote work options or flexible hours, may become essential to accommodate childcare responsibilities

Additionally, there could be periods where parental leave or time off for adoption-related appointments are necessary, impacting your career progression or workload. Communicating openly with your employer about your adoption plans and exploring available support mechanisms, such as employee assistance programs or childcare benefits, is essential to navigating the challenges effectively.

While adopting a child on your own may pose challenges to your career, the fulfilment of building a family often outweighs these obstacles

Singleparents.org.uk offers valuable resources on balancing work and parenthood effectively.

FINANCES

The financial implications of adopting a child on your own can be significant, irrespective of income levels or receipt of benefits. While financial stability is crucial, the key is being able to afford caring for a child until adulthood. Whilst you do not have to pay for the assessment, there is a cost for the adoption medical, which is set individually by your GP, and for any costs accompanying any overseas checks. In certain instances, you may need to cover the expenses related to assessing the behaviour and psychology of pets, primarily focusing on dogs

Additionally, ongoing costs associated with raising a child such as food, clothing, and childcare must be considered. Single adoptive parents must carefully assess their financial situation to ensure they can provide a stable and nurturing environment for the child's physical, emotional, and financial needs.

Long-term financial planning, including saving for family holidays and unforeseen circumstances, is also essential. Assessing your own future finances and exploring whether you might be entitled to benefit support post placement might offer reassurance for you in this area. In some circumstances adopters can request the placing local authority undertake a financial assessment to consider financial support, but receipt of this will solely be based on the needs of the child.

If financial concerns arise, single parent charity

Gingerbread offers a wealth of resources on personal finances tailored to single parents, providing valuable insights and guidance

Gingerbread

Website: www.gingerbread.org.uk

ADOPTING SIBLINGS

Adopting siblings as a single adopter presents a unique and rewarding journey filled with challenges and joys. Providing a loving and stable home for multiple children fulfils their need for security and belonging and fosters a strong bond between siblings that can endure a lifetime. However, single adopters must consider the practical and emotional implications of raising multiple children independently.

This includes assessing their ability to meet the diverse needs of each child, managing financial resources effectively, and providing adequate support and attention to each sibling While the journey may have complexities, the opportunity to keep siblings together and offer them a loving and nurturing family environment is immensely fulfilling and can create a profound sense of purpose and connection for both the adopter and the adopted children At St David’s we have first had experience of placing sibling groups with single adopters

Adopting Together

Within our main adoption service, we also have a service called Adopting Together.

Adopting Together is a specialist family finding and therapeutically led support service. Adopting Together works closely with Local Authorities who identify children who for various reasons may wait longer to be adopted. At times you may be invited to hear more about the children within this service or we may talk to you about them individually. If following approval, you are matched with a child through Adopting Together you will be offered a specific package of support before, during and after the child or children come to live with you

Watch our ‘In Conversation’ with Sarah, one of our single adopter of siblings HERE

IN CONVERSATION

We speak with Leeann, a solo adopter supported by St. David's. She graciously imparted their journey, providing invaluable insights into the adoption journey and the transition to single parenthood. Their candid reflections illuminate the distinctive challenges parenting.

Q: How did your experience with St. David's Adoption Service influence your journey in finding and establishing support networks, considering the potential changes once your child entered your life?

A: As a single adopter without an extensive support network, I had reservations about how I would manage. However, St. David's reassured me that my support network would evolve alongside my child's arrival, which proved true. During the COVID-19 lockdown, when traditional support avenues were inaccessible, St. David's swiftly arranged online support groups, providing vital assistance during challenging times.

Q: Can you reflect on how St. David's Adoption Service supported you in making challenging decisions as a single adopter and how you discovered your inner resilience through those experiences?

A: St David's provided invaluable guidance during decision-making processes, particularly regarding contact with my child's birth family Their support instilled confidence in the choices made for my child's well-being, fostering a sense of inner resilience and conviction in my role as a parent

Q: In what ways has St. David's Adoption Service assisted you in formulating contingency plans for times when both you and your child are unwell, and how do they promote self-care during those periods?

A: St. David's emphasised the importance of self-care during challenging times, encouraging me to lean on my support network and prioritise moments of respite They also facilitated discussions on contingency planning, ensuring I felt equipped to handle situations where my child and I were unwell

Q: How has St. David's Adoption Service helped you address moments when your child desires another parent, and what strategies have they provided to reinforce the strength of your familial bond?

A: St David's provided a safe space for discussing moments when my child yearned for another parental figure, reassuring me of the love and dedication I provide as a sole caregiver Through their guidance and support, I've learned to reinforce the strength of our familial bond, ensuring my child feels loved and supported.

Q: Could you share any resources or guidance from St. David's Adoption Service that have aided you in preserving personal time and identity amidst the demands of single parenthood, including techniques for finding moments of solace in your daily routine?

During a challenging period when my child was seven, her schoolwork and behaviour began to suffer, accompanied by recurring bad dreams and sleep disturbances. As a single parent, I found myself constantly needing and struggling to maintain my well-being amidst the turmoil. It became increasingly difficult to discern the root cause of her distress, and I felt overwhelmed trying to pick up the pieces alone.

While awaiting NHS referrals for neurodiversity assessments, St David's stepped in to offer two virtual sessions with a psychologist Despite never meeting my child, the psychologist seemed to have an intuitive understanding of her inner struggles These sessions proved to be emotional and enlightening, offering actionable insights and strategies that profoundly impacted both my child and me With just two sessions, we implemented minor adjustments and simple exercises that yielded dramatic improvements within weeks Surprisingly, we didn't require further assistance from the NHS, and I gained a deeper understanding of my child's life story through this process

Additionally, St David's encouraged me to prioritise self-care and find moments of respite amidst the chaos. Whether indulging in a quiet read or enjoying a peaceful cup of coffee before the school run, these small rituals became essential for maintaining my sanity amidst the demands of single parenthood.

In essence, St. David's provided unwavering support and guidance during times of uncertainty, reminding me that I was never alone in my journey. Their presence ensured that there was always someone willing to listen, offer assistance, and help navigate the challenges of single parenthood.

RELATIONSHIPS

Adopting as a single parent can have a significant impact on relationships, requiring careful consideration and planning

While you may not intend to stay single forever, it's vital to acknowledge the importance of prioritising your child's needs and building a strong parent-child bond before pursuing new romantic connections Juggling the demands of parenting with dating may present challenges, including logistical issues such as finding time for dates and arranging childcare.

Introducing a new partner to your child demands careful timing and sensitivity to ensure your child feels secure and supported throughout the process. Honest communication with potential partners about your adoption journey and your child's needs is crucial, fostering understanding and cooperation in supporting your family dynamic. Despite the complexities involved, it's essential not to let these considerations discourage you from pursuing adoption if it aligns with your desires and capabilities. During the assessment, family finding, matching, and placement phases disclosing any new relationships is essential This transparency allows for thorough consideration, as any potential partner would significantly impact a child's life Starting a new relationship during this period could disrupt the assessment process and compromise the ability to demonstrate its stability and longevity, which is vital for the child's well-being

To maintain the integrity of the adoption journey, it's advisable to prioritise the assessment process. Partners must have lived with you for at least two years to be included in the assessment. Therefore, it's prudent to refrain from entering into new relationships until after completing the assessment and settling a child into your home. St. David's offers valuable support and resources, including opportunities to connect with other single adopters who can provide guidance and share their experiences, helping you navigate the journey with confidence and resilience

LGBTQ+SINGLE PARENTING

Adopting a child on your own as a member of the LGBTQ+ community involves unique considerations and opportunities for fostering a supportive and inclusive environment for your child.

Maintaining open and honest communication with your child from an early age is crucial, helping them understand and embrace the diversity of their family structure. Resources such as the BBC's Tiny Happy People site and FFLAG can offer valuable guidance on discussing LGBTQ+ identity within the family context.

Celebrating your identity and diversity through books, media, and community resources can also play a significant role in affirming your child's sense of belonging and self-confidence Booktrust and Stonewall provide helpful recommendations for LGBTQ+ parenting blogs, picture books, and inclusive literature suitable for children of varying ages, enriching their understanding and appreciation of LGBTQ+ families

Since April 2019, 29% of approved St David's families have identified as LGBTQ+, with a UK average of 16.67%.

St. David's has observed that LGBTQ+ adopters often demonstrate a greater willingness to consider placements perceived as more complex. LGBTQ+ families tend to embrace a higher proportion of sibling groups, children aged four and above, and those with more intricate needs and uncertainties compared with their heterosexual counterparts.

Read our LGBTQ+ Guide to Adoption HERE.

CONTRIBUTORS

SHAUN HOUCKE

Shaun, a devoted advocate for adoption, joined St David’s in 2023 He and his husband adopted their son through St David's in 2020, providing him with unique insights into the adoption process. Committed to making a positive impact, Shaun brings first-hand experience to those considering adoption. His journey inspires him to create an inclusive space within adoption, offering support and guidance to individuals navigating the path to parenthood solo. Shaun's advoca dedication make him a valuable resource for those see information and connection within the adoption comm

DANIEL WARNER

Dan is a dedicated St. David's team member, joining in 2014 after valuable experience with another fostering and adoption charity. Passionate about creating inclusive dialogue, Dan fervently believes in encouraging prospective adopters from diverse backgrounds to participate actively in the adoption conversation. With a commitment to fostering a welcoming and supportive environment, Dan plays a vital role in St David's Guide to Adopting On Your Own, ensuring that everyone feels empowered and informed on their adoption journey