ABC Magazine: Edition 1, Nov 2019

Investigating Chinese Influence

page 16

Edition 1 NOV 2019

The

ABC Magazine AUTHORISED AND APPROVED BY

THE AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL POLICE

Victory!

AFP takes over the ABC. page 4

Justice

Society rejoices as jaywalker executed at scene of the crime.

page 4

Your favourite shows, now in print.

Protect. Censor. Serve.

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Contents

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QandQ

4

News

6

Foreign Correspondent

8

The Drum

9

ABC Grandstanding

Editorial Well well, fucking well, mate. I guess there is indeed a new sheriff in town — Reece Kershaw, current Australian Federal Police Commissioner. When the higher-ups told me we’d be taking over the ABC, I have to admit I was over the bloody moon.

I mean fair dinkum. I was having quite a low year.

The leftists had copped some big wins. The climate strikes, the farce of an inquiry into police conduct — they even got the fucken’ Footy Show cancelled.

I needed a win. That’s why when the higher-ups called me to let me know I’d be the new editorin-chief of the brand spanking new ABC Magazine, I’ll tell you mate, my johnson grew to the size of fucken’ Texas.

There’s going to be some serious changes around here. First and foremost, we’re going to protect Australians and Australian interests. Sure, we’ve given hundreds of journos the sack. But we’ve also retained the fine minds at Four Corners who recently exposed the absolutely fucked foreign interference that’s been going on. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ve been suspicious of the Asians for years. Nonetheless, it’s good to have some rock solid proof on my side.

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Catalyst

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Australian Story

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Multilingual

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Grand Designs

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Four Corners

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ABC Classic

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Gardening Australia

21

Media Watch

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ABC Kids

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Mindfulness

25

Puzzles

26

TV Guide

28

Triple J Unearthed

Reece ‘The Police’ Kershaw

29

Triple J Hack

Civilian Witnesses

30

Confessions

31

Most Wanted

AFP//ABC November 2019

Paying our respects to the following legends

We’ve got some big plans for the upcoming year.

First and foremost, we’re scaling back multi-media, web, and TV content, and condensing it into one magazine. Those resources will be redirected into vital things like bullets, guns, batons and tasers, all of which are consistent with our mission of keeping the community safe.

ScoMo

The man who made this edition happen.

Pistol Pete D

You’ll still get all the ABC content you love, minus all the leftist brainwashing bullshit that’s corrupting Australian society. Sure, you may hear the odd complaint about ‘freedom of the press’ , or ‘censorship’ or whatever else bullshit students with too much time on their hands want to chant about.

To that, I’ve just got two things to say. One — fuck you, mate. Two — this is about everyone’s freedom and Australia. We’re delivering high-quality content that’s been approved to meet community safety standards. If that’s not your cup of Bushells Blue Label Tea, take a good long look at yourself in the mirror.

Warnie

Over and out.

The Fucking Diggers

B. He P. Jha A. Mertha J. Syed L. Thorne N. O’Grady C. Wen J. Verity A. Zhang A. Zheng

Police prosecutors Laura Glase Brandon Hale

Jinwei Luan

Kedar Maddali

Jiaqi Shi

Sean Perry

Protect. Censor. Serve.

Community Outreach

Tony Jones: Good evening and welcome to the revamped Q&Q letters section. I’m Tony Jones, writing to you from Beijing. Here to glare disapprovingly at your questions without answering them tonight: People’s Panellist John from Wagga, the People’s Leader Scott Morrison, decorated soldier Ben RobertsSmith, the ghost of the late Bill Leak, and Cardinal Pell from his new room in Port Phillip Prison. Please welcome our panel of experts.

Thank you very much. Our first question takes us to the battlefields of the Upper North Shore of Sydney. It comes from Paul Jeffrey.

Paul Jeffrey: Hello everyone. Good to be here, not in the studio, but you know, here, writing this from home. I wanted to share my opinion on an important and developing issue in Wahroonga where I have lived for the last fifty years. There’s a development proposal for a new Woolworths on my block and I hate it. I really hate it a lot. It brings all the wrong types into the suburb. I can feel the community spirit slipping away already. All the newcomers don’t look like me and I hate it. By golly! We are not doing enough about any of this. When will the government stand up for people like me? I can barely go on the afternoon stroll without running into one of those Woolies types with their reusable bags, walking around and dealing these new Ooshies. It’s infiltrating the minds of our youth! Not to mention, I’ve seen kids as young as five and six growing this dodgy stuff in public. “It’s a discovery garden,” they said to me. It’s a rort is what it is. Woolworths are the con artists getting our kids into pot — these “pots of fun” which everyone is collecting. This is a bloody national emergency.

Tony Jones: Thanks Paul, I’m sure many Australians echo your concerns. Next up, we have a new segment, sponsored by the Liberal Party of Australia.

Panel: [Uncontrollable exclamations of hate and hissing follow for two minutes] Tony Jones: Thanks panel, before we go to our next question, a big thank you to our gold sponsors tonight, Mailchimp and Audible, for keeping this program afloat after budget cuts.

Next up, Matt Comyn from Woollahra.

The people’s enemy.

Matt Comyn: Howdy folks. Matt here from the Commonwealth Bank. Are you old, young or medium-aged? Are you struggling to get through every week? Are you planning on dying anytime soon? Well, we’ve got the right package for you. Our dedicated home lending specialists can guide you into a coffin that’s right for you. Book a time online instantly and find your way home. We reserve the right to charge you after you die. We will charge you even if we don’t provide any services. Other Ts and Cs apply. Caveat emptor.

Authorised by the Treasury.

Spoken by M Comyn, me. Ha. Ha. Thanks everyone.

Tony Jones: Great stuff Matt, thanks for that lovely message.

You heard the good fellow, sign up to that home lending package today. Next up, we’re hearing from the ViceChancellor of the University of Sydney, Michael Spence.

3

Michael Spence: Greetings my fellow humanoids. As many of you may know, I am an excellent Vice-Chancellor.

But I wanted to take this platform and opportunity to show everyone a new skill I’ve been working on. The lull in the Ramsay Centre negotiations has given me plenty of spare time to rehearse beatboxing. Are you ready to hear it? Take it away!

Boom-boom-tss-tss-pssikclick-boom-tss-boom-boomtss-boom-boom-click-boom — ah my profuse apologies, I just have to catch my breath.

Away we go again! Boomboom-tss-click-boom-boomtss-boom-boom-tss. Thanks all, I’ll be here all week.

Tony Jones: What a performance by the man himself. Next up, we have James Chow — Cho? ­— Chou?

James Chou: Hi all, I’ve been trampled by a police horse and beaten with a baton at a protest. My leg is broken and my face is bruised. I wanted to know why this government insists on rolling back civil liberties and protections for people exercising basic rig— Tony Jones: Ok I’m going to cut you off there James, this is not your soapbox — that’s all we have time for tonight. We’re just running over time. Please thank our panel — John, Scott, Ben, Bill and George. Great having you all. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thanks. You can’t continue the discussion anywhere. And next week on Q&Q, Peter Dutton’s extended family. Until then, goodnight.

AFP//ABC November 2019

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News

The Commissioner of the Australian Federal Police and the now Editor-in-Chief of the ABC, Reece Kershaw, has said that he is “determined to execute his vision for the future of the ABC.”

AFP take over the ABC, vow to reform “nosy” and “insubordinate” culture Sergeant Shaun Dunlop-Volley reports.

The Australian Federal Police (AFP) have taken over editorial control of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) in a move described by AFP Commissioner Reece Kershaw as “a just and longneeded victory for the security of the Australian nation.”

The AFP entered the headquarters of the ABC at 8am on Monday, 4 November at the behest of the Home Affairs Minister, Peter Dutton.

Commissioner Kershaw was immediately instated as the Editor-in-Chief, replacing David Anderson.

Kershaw’s first act as Editor-in-Chief was to discharge large numbers of ABC staff for “putting Australia’s national security at risk, undermining the authority of Australia’s security forces, and promoting anti-Australia sentiment.”

“I love press freedom as much as the next Aussie, but the way things were going, we might as well have started calling it the ‘Un-Australian Broadcasting Corporation’,” Kershaw said.

Kershaw lamented the ABC’s decision to publish the Afghan Files in July 2017, which contained leaked information about the conduct of the Australian Army in Afghanistan.

“The publishing of the Afghan Files in 2017 was a dark time for Australians. We were forced to confront an ugly truth. We were forced to look inwards and accept that one of our national organisations had betrayed us. That organisation was the ABC. “We need reform. We need change. We need to make sure that something like this never happens

AFP//ABC November 2019

again. And the only way to do that — the ONLY way — is to make sure our national broadcaster does what its name implies.

From now on, the ABC will serve the national interest only.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison preempted criticism from other media outlets and press freedom advocates.

“You know, there will always be a few inner-city activists, probably on welfare, who will kick up a fuss about this kind of thing. But I just don’t think press freedom is a concern for the quiet Australians.”

“I think most Australians would rather have a national broadcaster that makes them feel good, you know? All this ‘army atrocity’ stuff, it’s depressing.

Why should taxpayers pay money towards something that makes them feel bad? Under its new administration, the ABC can finally make Australians feel safe, comfortable, and proud to be Australian. And that’s what matters. From now on, we can all say ‘how good is Australia’ with a clear conscience.”

Jaywalker finally brought to justice Constable Walker reports.

The community can breathe a collective sigh of relief as a serial jaywalker was brought to justice last Sunday. The male, aged 26, had a beard, a mark on his left cheek and was described by witnesses as simultaneously appearing to be of MiddleEastern, African and/or Asian descent.

He was first reported as jaywalking in July of this year, displaying a blatant disregard for the law, Australian society and its steadfast values. After the police received an anonymous tip from a concerned citizen, Strike Force Zebra Protection was set up to track the dangerous man down.

2,750 phone-tapping warrants were issued to the Australian Police Force amidst a fourmonth-long investigation.

After intercepting a number of communications between the man and various friends he was meeting in Western Sydney, Police were finally able to track him down last Saturday. He had terrorised the local community for weeks with his casual strolling.

After setting up a 24-hour surveillance post, two Senior Constables involved in the Strikeforce spotted the accused attempting to cross an empty road while the lights were green. The man made it halfway across the road before being shot seven times.

The Officer-in-Charge, Detective Daniel Danielson gave an exclusive comment to the ABC Magazine. “What people have got to realise is that when you’re jay-walking, the biggest danger you’re creating is for yourself. That man could have been run-over or hit by a car if we hadn’t shot him. The police are ultimately here to protect you and we’ll keep doing that at all costs.”

The man’s corpse created significant traffic delays. He was posthumously charged with obstructing traffic, failing to move on, and jaywalking.

Protect. Censor. Serve.

News

ABC budget to be redirected to the Australian Federal Police

5

WINNER

LOSER

Senior Constables in the Australian Police Force, who will now be taking on the additional role of accurate, objective and responsible news reporting.

Pathetic, leftist arts majors who stumbled into jobs as journalists. $150 million is expected to be saved in journalist salaries (n.b unpaid interns retained).

Constable Helena Clarke reports.

In a bold move, the Coalition has decided to redirect the ABC’s budget to the Australian Federal Police (AFP). In the 2019-2020 and 2020-2021 fiscal years, it is anticipated that $3.16 billion will be redirected from the leftist media elite to keeping YOUR community safe.

In an exclusive comment, AFP commisioner Reece Kershaw told the ABC Magazine, “Look, at the end of the day, it’s about keeping the community safe.

It’s all well and good to have your opinion but at the end of the day, we need to keep society criminal-free. We’re not completely getting rid of the ABC. You’ll still get the news, opinions, and live updates on the cricket that you love. But this way we can do it in a way that’s respectful to everyone and keeps society going. That’s the key take away here.”

The former ABC Editorin-Chief, David Anderson, also voluntarily and willingly provided the following statement of his own volition.

“This is uhh... really really good. I think umm... we were mismanaging the ABC for quite a while. And these guys ahhh... ummmm they really know what they are doing. Overall, yeah, its really really good. Oh yeah, and it keeps society safe.”

Managing the new budget will be newly promoted Detective Sargent Greg George. “Yeah look, I haven’t really read or watched too much ABC before.

More of a Triple M man myself, although occassionally happy to mix it up with some Kyle Sandilands. I may not have experience in journalism but what I do have is 25 proud stinking years on the force. I’m going to use that experience and rely on my instincts to make sure we can move the ABC Magazine in a forward direction. I’ve also got my best twelve men on the job as well as one sheila. It’s going to be an absolute ripper snorter of a year.”

Budget Breakdown Where every dollar comes from and how it’s spent.

WINNER

LOSER

Taser manufacturers, as $700 million is saved in broadcasting and reinvested into purchasing tasers that really pin down 11-yearold school children.

Properly.

Opal Card Inspectors who will be made redundant as more police officers are directed towards preventing heinous fare evasion. New Balance is also expected to take a hit.

WINNER

Capsicum farmers.

LOSER

Brown people but fuck em.

Foreign Correspondent Page 6

AFP//ABC November 2019

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Foreign Correspondent

Hong Kong protesters are brave angels of democracy fighting for a noble cause

Civil disobedience isn’t just illegal, it’s downright wrong.

Tim Wilson reflects on Hong Kong’s fight for liberty, justice, and freedom.

Armed with nothing but umbrellas and objective moral righteousness, Hong Kong’s sweet, brave paragons of democratic values have sustained their efforts in a battle against destructive, authoritarian evil for close to 150 days now.

I was proud to join them in October — to put my body on the line for the ideals that speak to the purest and most universal of of political truths.

And I’m proud to congratulate them now, from the safety of Australian shores, on their ongoing endurance. Whilst we may be separated by geography, we are nonetheless united by the immutable and unconquerable yearning for freedom that burns deep in the hearts of all men.

‘Twas this fire that scorched the deluge of authoritarian

hate — yes, hate — that rained down on us in the streets when the evil foot-soldiers of the Hong Kong police turned their water cannons on us and our noble demands. ‘Twas this fire that rekindled our chants after we were beaten down with reprehensible force for the “criminal” act of demanding representative democracy. This fire, the very same that burned in the hearts of our diggers and our troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, is alive in us today.

So go ahead, bring your batons, your executive orders, your imperialist expansion, and your excessive force. Our passion knows no bounds.

We rest easy at night knowing that history is on our side. For if there is one eternal truth that knows no moral fault, it is the inexorable campaign for democracy.

Fucking Extinction Rebellion protesters are literal scum XR protestors in London should be jailed for life, writes Tim Wilson.

Tim Wilson is not only a proud servant of our nation’s democracy, but a valiant freedom warrior for all liberated peoples across the globe.

AFP//ABC November 2019

London is a beautiful city. The home of Westminster democracy. The seed of the colony that flourished into the beautiful nation that the Australian Federal Police nobly protect from the forces of evil.

That city is now under siege by a nefarious organisation that labour endlessly against the democratic ideals that we hold so dear.

The Metropolitan Police were right to ban Extinction Rebellion protesters from the streets of London. What the fuck kind of democracy lets a small group of people crowd the streets and drain police resources with fanciful demands of “representation” and “existential security”?

Democracy means the will of the majority. As far as I can tell, the vast majority of Londoners are not on the streets making these ludicrous demands.

The vast majority of Londoners have jobs and are contributing to their proud, free society.

These protesters have broken the social contract. Their disrespect for their fellow citizens, the government, and police must not go unpunished.

It is without a shred of hesitancy or remorse that I advocate for the following: treat these dissidents like the scum that they are. Strip them of their welfare. Convict them summarily. Incarcerate them indefinitely, and where they show no remorse, relieve them of their lives.

To the London Police, I say the following: keep fighting, noble soldiers. You are all that is standing between freedom and chaos. Aim true and shoot straight.

Foreign Correspondent

Does “bombing” the Middle East consitute foreign interference?

The answer is obviously NO but here’s an explanation anyways.

Protect. Censor. Serve.

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The people of Gaza celebrating the introduction of democracy into their country with a spectacular display of fireworks.

With a proud reputation for pumping out Prime Ministers, Attorney-Generals, and elite sportsmen, Australian universities are fiercely proud of their pristine reputation. But as of late, questions have been raised as to how ‘Australian’ these universities really are.

As the country grapples with its most confronting socio-political crisis since the Cronulla Riots – China – the Spamilton Commission into Foreign Interference at Australian universities has delivered its most decisive finding yet.

The Commission has victoriously announced that the presence of institutes such as the United States Studies Centre (USSC) at the University of Sydney does not constitute foreign interference.

“It is our understanding that interference definitionally requires an ostracised ethnic group to be blamed for the failings of the government of a country where they may never have even set foot,” an exhilarated Commissioner Clyde Spamilton explained.

Manic social justice groups at the University of Sydney have decried the findings, arguing blindly that the USSC is funded by Raytheon, a defence contractor that sells weapons to Israel, and partners with the Dow Chemical Company. The students say that, for these reasons, citizens should be as suspicious of the USSC as they are of bodies like the Confucius Institute.

“How is bombing the Gaza strip not foreign interference lmao” one bold student went so far as to comment on the ABC’s stream of today’s Spamilton Commission press conference.

“In response to these criticisms we have a simple answer: it isn’t bombing. It isn’t interfering. It’s civilising.” the spokesman replied, before promptly gesturing to his aide to fill out the paperwork that would prevent the aforementioned bold student from ever setting foot into the United States.

Tips to win any argument about geopolitics Not that it’s really that hard anyway when you’re on the side of the goodies.

The temple of democracy and freedom, also known as the United States Studies Centre, stands proudly at the University of Sydney.

As anyone who has any interest in international affairs knows, geopoltics is a fraught minefield for conversation - literally!

However, that should not discourage you from advancing the Western World’s global geopolitical agenda in your day-to-day discussions. With these few helpful tips, you’ll find yourself winning any argument you have about foreign policy, whether it be with the tankie in your senior Government unit, or with Xi Jinping himself.

1. Never be too shy with words like “brain-washing” and “thought control.” This will help you power through pesky situations where your opponent brings up how many people who live under oppressive regimes seem to be strangely content with their life. Even more content than you in actual fact...

I guess that’s brain-washing for you!

2. When your enemy accuses you of being the brain-washed one, hit them back with a “I know you are, but what am I.” If that doesn’t win you the argument after five to six tries, remind them that it is impossible for you to be brain-washed given that in Australia you are surrounded by the marketplace of ideas.

The fact that you only get your

information from the media source that aligns with your own view the most is entirely a matter of personal preference.

Checkmate tankie!

3. This is a simple one which I often see people forget, and that’s to just make stuff up.

Particularly safe areas to just throw out anything that comes to your mind is the death toll of Communism (roll a dice and then multiply by 100 million) or human rights abuses in secretive countries where reports cannot be verified.

4. Pray to God that they do not mention South America.

However smart you think you are, no one is strong enough to tackle this tricky area. If they mention CIA-backed coups, you’ll have to either quickly change to the topic or abort mission by faking an appointment. “I’d love to talk about Chile under Allende but I’ve got a flight to catch hahaha sorry bye.”

5. Remember to use two sets of vocabularies to differentiate between your politics and that of your foe’s. Cult of personality? That’s just good PR. Propaganda? That’s just effective messaging!

Happy debating!

AFP//ABC November 2019

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Police brutality: too much, or not enough?

A cloud of controversy has engulfed the behaviour of the Victorian Police Force towards protesters and journalists at the International Mining and Resources Conference.

Do you think police behaviour was excessive?

Marc Spiegleman Riot Squad Every single thing that I do in my capacity as a servant of Victorian law enforcement, as a servant of the law, and as a servant of “enforcement” more broadly, is for the benefit of the people of Victoria – that is, those who where born here (or at the very least look like it). To suggest any malpractice on the part of myself and my fellow law-abiding officers is an affront to all policemen who have given up they’re time, energy, and moral compass to protect what Australians truly value: a couple of old rocks buried in zubstance. So only for there own good did I proceed to rip the hippi– I mean, the person and or persons in an upward motion. I pacifically made sure to exert a careful balance of care, and reasonably necessary force. And what do I get in return? A fist to the gob. How ungrateful can they be? And it’s there taxpayer money, too.

Jason Malhotra

Journalist

The actions police took to stop protesters were unacceptable and absolutely not okay.

In all my time as a journalist, I have never seen such blatant abuse levelled against young people. You ask me if I thought police officers were excessive? Verging on fascistic?

Indicative of everything wrong with our government, which possesses a monopoly on power? It would be diabolical to think otherwise. As I watched the crowd clash with police, I thought what I was watching was not appropriate and that too much force was being used. The Farrago journalist who was pepper sprayed succumbed terrible injuries and did not deserve such punishment. I am sad to see her suffer. As multiple police officers escorted me, my suit jacket was torn, and is now ripped which is sad in itself. This was absolutely not okay, and has left me feeling most unhappy. I am appalled at this disgusting behaviour. Watching how journalists were treated by police has left me feeling most frightened. I witnessed some awful content that should terrify anyone with the state of journalism in Australia. I think the government needs to take a long hard look at itself.

Andrew Armstrong Protester My crime is very severe and pre-planned. I regret my actions more than anything. I apologise to both the Australian people and the government. I beg for forgiveness and for help in any way possible to save my life. [Cries]. I entirely beg you, people and government of Australia, for your forgiveness. Please! I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. Please act to save me. Please think of my family. To anyone still at Southbank Exhibition Centre: leave. Just leave. Don’t look back. Dob others in if you can. It’s not worth it. Uncle Morrison is only trying to help us. We can only be happy when we live in Uncle Morrison’s light and follow His path. To the valiant officers who rescued me from the hostile protest, thank you. I believe that contributing is far better than consuming and that giving is much better than getting. Uncle Morrison uses His time, talents and treasure in ways that will bring blessing and benefit to others. He is our rock; our Fossil; our Energy. [Cries].

AFP//ABC November 2019

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ABC GRANDSTANDING

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Boat-Stopping Half Season report with Mikey and Pete

It’s coming to that time of the year, and what an absolute fucking rippersnorter of a season it has been, Pete. Highs, lows and everything in between.

We started off the season with Navy Task Force 1 hitting a purple patch. They played incredibly on the defensive end, stopping a whopping 4 boats filled with Hazara refugees from getting anywhere close to protection from persecution.

One of the biggest surprises of the season was Rear Admiral Shane “Shano” Gilligan really coming into his own. After being selected in round 33 of the draft, all eyes were on Gilligan early in the season when he took his fresh talent to the Pacific Division.

But his preseason performance fell short and the fanbase quickly turned against him. He was consigned to the development league at Border Security in Sydney Airport where he properly proved himself as a major prospect with big upside and consistent stat-filling potential.

There, he trained up confiscating bay leaves from Indian migrants.

And now look at how far he’s come in the boat game — fourteen arrests across eight minority groups. 90 per cent Muslim with a 100% efficiency rate. That’s a human rights record we haven’t seen since the star studded ‘01 season when the seasoned veteran John Howard led the national team’s surge against 433 refugees.

Absolutely stunning.

Of course, this season hasn’t been without controversy. A few greenie types have tried to have the season cancelled, claiming there’s something called a right to seeking asylum. First they came for the dog races, now this!

Seriously, what are these blokes smoking?

Despite those hiccups though, it’s generally been a smooth sailing season. And, if newcomers like Gilligan keep up their form, we could see more refugees having their dreams shattered than ever before. Back to you in the studio, John.

Scott “The John” Morrison

PETER “The craig” dutton

Position: The Engadine Foetal 5-11, 190lb (180cm, 87kg) Born: 13 May, 1968 (Age: 51) in Sydney, Australia

Position: The Reverse battleship 6-1, 60lb (185cm, 117kg) Born: (Age: 48) in Brisbane, Australia

SEASON

2019-20

SEASON

2019-20

Refugees rejected

[REDACTED]

Refugees rejected

[REDACTED]

Babies held

4

Babies held

0

Au pairs approved

2

Au pairs approved

1359

Freedom obtained

OVER 900

Freedom obtained

QUITE A LOT

Cops high-fived

754

Cops high-fived

732

Protesters silenced

1365

Protesters silenced

3713

Onions consumed

0

Onions consumed

134

AFP//ABC November 2019

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10

How the AFP became eco-friendly

Emission Spectroscopy test where the intensity of a flame produced after sparking the sample is used to determine the chemical composition of something.

True to Kershaw’s intuition, our analysis revealed that the metallic ABC logos were a mix of rhodium, platinum, silver, palladium and iron. Four of the five metals identified were precious metals with An ABC logo lucrative buyers markets. We asked a former being melted at a accountant for the ABC how the ABC was able to metal processing afford such expensive metals for such a seemingly factory, waiting insignificant item. to be repurposed “What else are they going to use our budget for? as a pair of Paying our interns? Don’t be ridiculous,” he told us. handcuffs Kershaw was delighted with the results and sent the shining, metallic logos straight to the metal processing centre for them to be melted and repurposed as various policing tools. A particular point of pride are the thousands of rounds of silver of all bullets used bullets now in the AFP arsenal. Famed in folklore as being an unstoppable weapon against a host of by the AFP are now made from evil beings, experiments done by Catalyst show that silver bullets do in fact have advantages over recycled metals the more commonly used led bullet. Our findings Source: AFP shows that silver bullets have better penetration at short ranges, and are perfectly adapted to intense, close-combat police operations.

However, Kershaw stated that he believed the future of policing was not in bullets, but in tasers.

Just as electric cars have been gaining popularity amongst environmentalists, Kershaw belives that the chargeable, electronic nature of the taser makes it the perfect, eco-friendly weapon for today’s Next week on socially conscious age. Kershaw revealed that the AFP was currently in the process of developing Catalyst: solar-powered tasers, and ones which could be Penrith powered by movement. waterfront In such a polarising age of bipartisanship, it is properties: heartening to witness such a deep commitment to How climate the environment by the AFP. Their recent recycling efforts prove that the police are cracking down on change “climate change.” While the science behind “climate could benefit change” is shrouded with doubt, if it is real, it is the Sydney’s AFP that are the true vanguard of the fight against struggling it, not the eco-terrorists disrupting social order on West the streets.

23%

W

hen the AFP took over the ABC, Police Commisioner Reece Kershaw was presented with a unique problem - what to do with the thousands of unused ABC logos lying around the office?

“No matter what you personally think about the ABC, you can’t deny that their logo’s pretty slick.

And just from my experience in the force, whenever you find anything vaguely metallic in a raid, chances are there’s a bit of value in it. Value which could be used uhh... lets just say for some unspecified benefits. So why not get some scientists to go check it out? And then I realised I now had a whole team of them at Catalyst!”

Kershaw later told Catalyst after talking to his PR team that an equally compelling interest was

AFP//ABC November 2019

a growing eco-consciousness in the police force. While the AFP has been unfairly criticised of late for its just actions against “climate change” rioters, Kershaw says that recycling the ABC logos would confidently demonstrate to the public the AFP’s commitment to the environment. He then expressed his belief that this new, green, direction would surely boost the AFP’s image amongst “woke” millennial circles. Recycling metals helps reduce landfill and greenhouse gas emissions.

The science of recycling metals is complex and involves a multistep process of refining and processing. But before that, scientists had to first determine what metals the logos were made of. This was done by an Atomic

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Environmentalism

How recycling is changing the police force The AFP has re-imagined the traditional handcuffs Australians know and love as this bold, new design that draws inspiration from their recent takeover of the ABC. Eco-aesthetic!

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Fashion

Plain clothes patrol at a music festival: summer look

Chemist Warehouse Polarised D-Frame Sunglasses (Black) $8.99 K-Mart Basic T-Shirt White $4.99

The addition of these new silver bullets to the AFP is a huge win for law and order.

Silver bullets, as we all know, are super effective against werewolves, marginalised members of society, witches and the like. Eco-functional!

Branding is important to any organisation, and the AFP is no different. The brilliant sheen from these new police badges are thanks to the rhodium plating, which scientists were able to extract from the ABC logos. Rhodium is an ultra-rare metal often used to give jewellery that extra shine and protection. Eco-powerful!

K-Mart Woven Web beltBlack $7.99 K-Mart Men’s cargo shorts $14.99

K-Mart Canvas Flatform Sneakers $8.99

AFP//ABC November 2019

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Bert Whitemen, our first ‘Aussie of the Week.’

A day in the life: ABC Intern [Intern 3] reports.

Aussie of the Week: Bert the bus driver, proud enemy of fare evaders everywhere Spike Boziolo reports.

Week to week, Australian Story strives to spotlight community members going above and beyond to bolster the Aussie way of life.

Our first winner is a pearler: Bert Whitemen the bus driver. An otherwise quaint man who has driven Sydney buses from Avalon through Hurstville, he has taken up the mantle of fighting a most pervasive social issue.

Over the course of 2019, he reprimanded at least 237 assailants in their attempts to fare evade.

“These people don’t pay taxes, they don’t contribute to the community at all. If I’m expected to look after them with my pay-cheque, the least they could do is pay their bloody fare,” Bert said.

“If they don’t pay, I’ll do all I can to deliver justice swiftly, even if it means holding an already late bus up to prove my point.”

When I met Bert to chat, he’d just finished a shift. He wobbled over to us, rosy cheeked and donning a flashy smile. Only moments before, he’d kicked a young fellow off his bus who had failed to top up his concession card.

“He said he was late for an exam, and that he hadn’t been paid in 3 weeks. I told him he needed to get his shit together, OFF my bus.”

The sun bounced from his aviators. Bert went on.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the

AFP//ABC November 2019

weak through the valley of darkness.”

Despite no part of the NSW Buses driver contract obliging the enforcing of fare paying, Bert has set a high watermark for drivers across the state. And, although very little of NSW’s public transit system relies upon passenger fares, Bert’s contributions are incredibly meaningful all the same.

“On any Sydney bus, there are blokes like me, who watch on disgruntled at bludgers and delinquents who scamper onto our buses, litter our walls with their graffiti, and noisy our streets with their chants. They are the silent majority — they’ll never pipe up, no matter how ground-down their gears may be. That’s why it’s so important that I take a stand, for all those without a voice!”

For us, he is the quintessential Aussie. Good fucking on you Bert. >> Tune in Monday at 8pm to hear his full story.

Honestly, there are no words. I am overwhelmingly grateful to have the opportunity to work at this incredible institution. The ABC, the national broadcaster, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, the host of my childhood dreams, this bringer of news, this oh-so-hallowed of media institutions, this beacon of the cultural zeitgeist, this — what else was I supposed to say in this section again?

I came into this four month, full time, unpaid position after attending seven interviews and paying my own travel fares during work excursions. Getting paid in experience has meant its weight in gold.

I start my day by collecting coffee for all the editors and reporters on my floor.

I shout the editors a coffee too, straight after I shine their shoes for half an hour. It teaches me resilience — an important trait for a profession under constant attack, I’m told.

It’s all about making that great impression. I get to work. I’m always busy, finishing stories, editing and proofing and talking to unhappy readers over the phone. I do get a lot of lunches and coffees but I know as well as anyone, you can’t fall straight into a brilliant job without meeting some obstacles. I’m always excited to get involved in whatever way I can. I can’t wait to move in to the wonderful world of journalism professionally.

I know I can make it because I’ve always been really good at writing and everyone knows that print journalism is forever.

I gave them some of my writing to read yesterday. If I’m lucky, they’ll drop me some feedback before my internship finishes.

So blessed, so moved, so grateful, can’t believe this is my life. Never going to take it for granted. Always going to give back. Thank you.

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Multilingual

Student politicians exposed 学生政客丑闻曝光 我从初中开始学英文，在我初一的时候，我 学了一个词叫corruption，因为读音拼写很一 致，所以我马上记住了。前几周，在Connor Wherrett当上主席的那一天我见到他了。之后 我学了另一个词embezzlement，这个就很难记 了，花了我很久去记忆。Adriana Malavisi， 好名字。我在usu festival 见到了Cady Brown， 初二我在之后英语课学到了一个词entitled和 arrogant，我当时觉得这两个词很像我当时 的同桌，我一直很讨厌她。我大学学了一门 European language, 毕竟好像听说几个大学都开 了Western Civilization的课。我也不知道是好是 坏。我高中就买了 USB drive背单词了。 我上一次见Laura Glase还是在很早之前的Honi Soit DSP。我高中看的电影，现在还记忆犹 新，是关于money laundering的，然后police investigation很久，终于找到了罪犯，同时是 一个racism。这一天我看到紫色衣服的Josie Jakovoc。你是不是也看不懂我在说什么。老 实说我在扯淡。继续回到我学过的英语吧，大 学学了两个词hazing和stacking。我认识James Ardouin，是因为在一次src会议上，他问我是 谁。哦，我认识Gabi Stricker-Phelps也是这个

原因。总之，还有一些课上学过的词，比如 freedom of information request，我没认真读课 本，所有我不知道是啥意思。另一个词academic misconduct，还是到现在都不知道具体什么意 思。还有谁呢，Julia Kokic和Lachlan Finch好像 也是好朋友，我喜欢电影里面那些人偷看cctv footage，还有偷偷去电脑查找secret document， 觉得很有意思。 我在高中的时候无时无刻不和朋友在private chat 上聊天，什么东西都要screen shot，我去年就认 识了很酷的Liam Donohoe，也在同一个月学到 了problematic这个词。Champagne socialist是我 最新学到的词，Nick Forbutt，James Newbold都 是很好听的名字。Shani Patel，Maddy Ward都 是非常漂亮的名字，我后来学到的performative 和hypocrite，高阶词汇吧。继续码字瞎扯吧，我 累死了。

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当不会中文的学生政客看 到他们学生报纸上出现 他们的名字会是什么反 应呢？ 他们可能会很糊涂？卧 槽？我做错了什么？我又 被校报抓住了什么把柄？ 为什么又要写我？？期待 他们的反应，我开始扯 淡了。

我估计大家看到自己的名 字都会去找会中文的朋友 翻译吧？如果你真的这样 做了，那你可能需要反省 一下你自己的抗压能力。 或许问一下你自己是否真 的做了以上这些英文词？

Mandarin phrase of the day 我在从对天发誓，我绝对不会屈 服于共产主义。 I swear to God Almighty that I will never surrender to Communism.

Japanese phrase of the day

ばか！私の心はもうナルトさま に捧げました！

Fool! I’ve already given my heart to

Nina Dillon Britton，在我初中时我很少见到有 Lord Naruto! 中间名的英文名，virtue signal也是我后面一个 月学到的高阶单词，总之是有点看不懂。Lara Copspeak phrase of the day Hey kiddos! Got any c-a-n-n-a-bSonnenschein，最后的给大家分享两个我学到的 i-s onya? Heard that stuff’s r-a-d! 词，miscount。 Marijuana is illegal in Australia so you better do as you’re fucking told you little punk.

AFP//ABC November 2019

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The Panopticon Host of Grand Designs, Kevin McCloud, rhapsodises on an architectural marvel.

It is the eighth modern wonder of the world, a temple of swoon, a castle in the sky. Deriving from the Greek word panoptes — “all seeing” — the panopticon, designed by Jeremy Bentham, is the crown jewel of carceral capitalism.

Building a prison is no mean feat; what may be achieved within paradigms of imprisonment by the shrewd engineering of this iconic structure is beyond one’s imagination.

The philosopher Foucault once waxed lyrical about the prisoner within this architectural masterpiece: “He is seen, but he does not see; he is the object of information, never a subject in communication.”

Surely, the pre-eminent example of prison design, the panopticon inspires the true romance of surveillance, discipline and punishment.

AFP//ABC November 2019

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And now for some other great prison designs...

Once you’ve established your central method of surveillance, how can you make your prison best align with rehabilitative punitive intentions? Check out these great local prisons for some tips!

Manus Island Detention Centre If you thought Love Island was good, wait until you visit the Manus Island Detention Centre! This is the perfect tropical destination getaway, especially if you’re looking for a social media detox. No media will reach you inside these jail cells holiday houses at all, and you can enjoy a solitary retreat away from important medical attention, psychological care, your families, and basic amenities.

Michelle Bachelet, United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, was full of admiration for the centre, praising it as an “affront to the protection of human rights” and commending “the situation” for being “absolutely untenable.”

A stay at the Manus Island Detention Centre also does leaps and bounds for your mind and spirit — you’ll either leave with severe mental health issues, in a body bag, or never leave at all!

Villawood Immigration Detention Centre This hot prison property is on fire! Or at least it has been multiple times, since ungrateful protesters keep setting the place (and themselves!) alight because they want their human rights respected, or something. Nevertheless, Villawood Immigration Detention Centre has established itself as one of the frontrunners in contemporary prison design, featuring shining wire fences, brick walls, abusive guards, a ban on mobile phones, inadequate healthcare and multiple deaths.

Located in the untamed heartlands of Western Sydney, you’ll be mingling at a buffet table of many exotic cultures as most of the residents hail from a diverse array of immigrant backgrounds. But don’t worry about them hogging the banquet, they’re probably on a hunger strike protesting “brutal” and “inhospitable” conditions or whatever silly thing they’re unhappy about this week.

Frank Baxter Juvenile Justice Centre Looking for a posh school to straighten out your difficult child? Well, look no further than the Frank Baxter Juvenile Justice Centre, also known as “finishing school for jail”! This institution has an elite reputation for nurturing an enriching environment for discipline, punishment and knowledge acquisition. Important life lessons are imparted onto the children: that sometimes you get moved to the adult prison because life is just tough, and that school isn’t everything because what about underfunded education programs?

The tiny cells are specifically designed to suppress the prisoners’ sense of childlike wonder. The children are also routinely stripsearched because, well, life is tough sometimes.

But don’t worry, the institution is still completely safe — the only item that’s ever been found is a ping pong ball!

AFP//ABC November 2019

16

The Reality of Chin Influence

O

ver the past several months, revelations of Chinese foreign interference have shocked the nation. Four Corners are proud to have contributed to this much needed vigilance by exposing, amongst other things, that Chinese international students exist. However, despite this valiant public awareness campaign, many remain ignorant to the full extent of this pernicious invasion that has taken hold of the heart of our pure and morally perfect democracy.

In an exclusive investigation, Four Corners has uncovered startling evidence that conclusively proves that the level of Chinese interference in Australia has far exceeded what both the public and the political establishment previously thought. Prepare yourselves, because the following revelations will rock our country to its core.

The “Chinese Embassy”

Unbeknownst to many, there is in fact a place right here on Australian soil where the Chinese Communist Party enjoys unfettered sovereignty, including the unrestrained ability to carry out its morally reprehensible authoritarian agenda. The name of that place? The “Chinese Embassy.”

Hidden in plain sight, the “Chinese Embassy” is located barely a stone’s throw from the Federal Parliament in Canberra.

Taking into account the fact that the mere presence of

AFP//ABC November 2019

Confucius Centres on university campuses has already spread communism like the vile disease that it is, Four Corners can only assume that Canberra’s “Chinese Embassy” has been influencing the national legislative agenda for years now, and is likely responsible for radical socialist innovations like Australia’s excessively redistributive welfare system.

Using trademark investigative journalism™ skills, Four Corners not only detected the presence of this edifice of

international espionage, but was able to contact those operating it. A spokesperson for the “Chinese Embassy” responded to allegations of communist spying by arguing that embassies are “standard diplomatic practice” and that almost 80 countries have embassies in Canberra.

While this may or may not be true, there is simply no evidence that any of those 80 countries are responsible for any interference in Australian democracy whatsoever.

“

Four Corners are proud to have exposed the fact that Chinese international students exist.

“Chinese” noodle rest “Chinese” noodle “Chinese” dumpling rest “Chinese” dumpling Take one look at practica street in the country an see these words embl on just about every build The prevalence of C restaurants in Austra nothing new. Most Aust are aware of this muc what has gone re unnoticed is the rapid of so-called “China T What’s next, “China “Chinaustralia”?

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nese

“Bubble tea”

“China Towns”

taurant. house. taurant. house. ally any nd you’ll lazoned ding.

Chinese alia is tralians ch. But elatively spread Towns”.

City”?

After sending one of our journalists to every major city in the country, Four Corners can confirm that there are in fact NO “Australia Towns” in Australia.

This is in stark contrast with the more than a dozen “China Towns” littered throughout our land.

Furthermore, based off our interactions with the so-called “Chinese Embassy”, we can only conclude that these “China Towns” function in much the same way as the communist espionage base in Canberra.

Speaking to Four Corners,

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Alexander Poske from the Sino Hegemony Inquiry into Terror (SHIT) warned that Australia is already on the verge of being overwhelmed.

“Sun Tzu said that the key to victory is to subdue the enemy without fighting. Through the establishment of these “China Towns”, that’s exactly what the CCP is doing. By visiting these settlements for lunch, dinner, and so on, what we’re actually doing is funnelling money back to the CCP so that they can continue with their expansionist goals.”

Four Corners can reveal that hordes of Chinese people lining up outside so-called “bubble tea outlets” are in fact spies operating in allegiance to the Chinese Communist Party.

These spies have been hiding in plain sight throughout Sydney’s CBD, from the top of George Street, all the way to Circular Quay. Indeed, the decor of these “bubble tea outlets” is often emblazoned with various characters belonging to the nation’s infamous language, “Chinese”.

Throughout a lengthy covert investigation, Four Corners observed a pattern of customers leaving outlets with bags containing one or more cylindrical vessels filled with coloured liquids and black, bullet-shaped balls, presumed to be some sort of ammunition for a firearm. Customers then proceeded to violently stab the cylindrical canisters with a sharp object, presumed to be a dagger of some description.

Four Corners understands that this depraved ritual is a form of remote training issued by the Chinese Ministry of State Security.

In an unprecedentedly dangerous and covert operation, members of the Four Corners production donned surgical masks to conceal our identities, and entered one of these stores in an attempt to obtain some of these cylindrical objects. Disturbingly, we found them impossible to open. It is extremely worrying that China has developed such advanced technology, and that this technology is so readily accessible to the public: all one

needs to do is say the words “brown sugar cheese foam” to wield the same power as a member of the People’s Liberation Army.

Most harrowingly, these so-called “bubble tea outlets” have even infiltrated university campuses. We ventured to the University of Sydney, where a “bubble tea outlet”, “Cha Li”, has pushed out a hallmark campus institution, the Co-Op bookshop.

Four Corners spoke to Chinese culture expert and author of Silent Invasion Clive Hamilton about this seemingly innocuous phenomenon. His insights were bone-chilling.

“A lot of these so called “bubble tea” places have names with the word “Cha” in them, like Chatime or Gongcha.”

“What most Australians don’t know is that in the Chinese language, Cha [查］ means ‘investigate’ and is used in words like ‘censorship.’

I think that’s pretty strong evidence pointing to these places being offices which the Chinese government uses to suppress and harass dissidents living in Australia.”

When we approached the chief operative at Chatime for comment, she told us that the word Cha actually means tea in Chinese. However, Hamilton said that this was a calculated attempt by the Chinese government to silence criticism by pulling out the race card.

Continues

AFP//ABC November 2019

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Ceramic “china”

Sun Tzu said that “all warfare is based on deception.” 1500 years may have passed since Tzu was the preeminent military strategist in China, but clearly the CCP has not neglected its strategic forebears. Deception remains the name of the game in the Neo-Cold War with China, and the CCP has mastered it to a horrifying extent.

Without even realising it, millions of Australians have unwittingly become agents of the CCP themselves. Check your kitchen cupboards.

Chances are, you’ve invited China into your home. Literally.

After thoroughly consulting an array of ceramics experts

as well as historical archives, Four Corners can announce the shocking revelation that millions of household dishes, plates, cups, and bowls in Australia are in fact not only made in China, but made of china.

Also known as porcelain, china is a ceramic material so infused with Chinese characteristics that its name is literally teeming with nationalist fervour. It is believed that the Chinese intentionally named this material after their own country centuries ago as part of an extremely drawn-out plan to exert soft power in kitchens around the globe and make their country literally a household name, thus normalising the prospect of the

Where to now?

What next?

There is hope.

AFP//ABC November 2019

country’s global hegemony.

Speaking to Four Corners, the author of Silent Invasion, Clive Hamilton, warned Australians that each piece of china is likely concealing covert surveillance devices.

“China has been cooking up a storm of surveillance with their nefarious exporting of china,” Hamilton said. “The only thing I can advise Australians to do is to immediately grind all your items of China into a fine powder, thus destroying the concealed mind-control devices. Once that is done, complete the ritual of nationalist exorcism by scattering the powder in your backyard in the shape of the Southern Cross.”

While we have uncovered a grim portrait of Chinese interference in Australia, not all hope is lost.

Recently the City of Sydney announced the cancelling of the “Night Noodle Markets.”

Four Corners can reveal that noodles are a dish originally from China. Based off this, it is safe to say that the event had become a brazen attempt by the Chinese government to extend its soft-power on our shores. Like an octopus, the Chinese government is using its noodly tendrils to slowly suffocate Australian society of

“

Chances are, you’ve invited China into your home.

Literally.

our democracy, which is why we as a society must act swiftly and purge our society of any agents of Chinese influence.

The recent attempt at Monash University to “deny” Chinese international “students” the “right” to vote is a welcome step in the right direction, and a powerful reminder of what needs to be done to defend the democratic values which underpin our society. While they were unsuccessful, the hope for a better future grows, week by week, one Four Corners expose at a time.

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10 tracks to play your baby to make sure they come out a proud-stinking Aussie 1. The Last Post — performed by Corporal Matthew Creek 2. What About Me — Shannon Noll 3. Eagle Rock — Daddy Cool 4. Australia Street — Sticky Fingers 5. A Pub with No Beer — Slim Dusty 6. Down Under — Men At Work 7. White Noise — The Living End 8. I Still Call Australia Home (Qantas

campaign version) — performed

by The Australian Children’s Choir 9. Khe Sanh (Live At The Manly Vale Hotel) — Cold Chisel 10. Advance Australia Fair — performed by Delta Goodrem at the 2007 Melbourne Cup

PICTURED: A growing Aussie

SPONSORED CONTENT: Ramsay Centre announces new USyd subject RAMS1778: CLASSICAL MUSIC THROUGH THE COLONIAL AGES Unit Description Classical music is the gateway to Christian righteousness. This unit examines the true canon and recognises Western classical music and the role it plays in understanding white Australia. Through an in-depth analysis of such masters as Strauss, Beethoven, Bach and Mozart, students will learn faith and reason and an appreciation for settler compositions and overt British rule. From there, students will learn the importance of the national anthem, the lost voices of our settlers and the tropes that emerged from the creativity of our white classical fathers.

Unit Coordinators Salvadore Scab-Boners and Captain Cook

Graduate Qualities Description

Purpose

A

Love of your country

To excel at devoting oneself to the Australian cause in the graduates chosen discipline.

B

Subservience to force

A tertiary education should bolster a willingness to submit to the state’s monopoly on violence.

C

White privilege

To build confidence and resilience when undermining the rights of students and citizens of colour.

D

Appreciation for ethnonational music

An understanding of the intricacies of western musical works and their role in eradicating all other musical forms.

E

Chauvinism

In being socialised to be a ‘bloke,’ students’ employment prospects will likely improve.

Unit Schedule Semester 2 2019 Week

Lecture

1

Sounds of Conquest: What terra nullius sounds like

2

Winning the hearts and minds of your subject with a violin

3

The power of holiday: How Christian music makes the world go round

4

The tonal failings of protest chants amongst the left

5

Why ACDC is integral to the Australian experience

6

What classical music tells us about classical liberalism

7

Listening week: Beethoven’s Complete Symphonies

8

Waltzing Matilda through the Cronulla Riots

9

The hidden beauty behind the Australian Anthem’s fourth verse

10

Church music: The location of musical virtue

11

Wagner: What we can learn about the plight of the Alt-Right

12

Phallic instruments: How classical music can strengthen young masculinity

13

Go Bach to where you came from

AFP//ABC November 2019

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GARDENING AUSTRALIA From patch to prison: de-weedgrowering your garden Our herbicide expert, Graham Nixon, shares his secret techniques for a pristine lawn this spring.

Growing flowers amenable to the national interest — such as the Weedgrowers are a nightmare for any budding Australian simple red poppy — is a hallmark of Australian gardening. But citizen. Now that you’ve found them, get rid of them for good sometimes, we gardeners can find ourselves in quite the shady spot with my tried and tested techniques: when pesky weeds starts to pop up here and there.

Solarisation If your soil has become resistant to traditional weed-busting herbicides, don’t fret — there are more direct tips and tricks to Put weedgrowers into a plastic garbage bag and leave somewhere facilitate removal, by removing the weedgrower itself. Weedgrowers hot and sunny for a month or two so the contents cook to death. are native to suburbs all over Australia. This spring, de-weedgrower The residue can be composted. your neighbourhood, and do your bit to clean up the flowerbed that is this lucky country.

Boiling water

Spotting rotten fruit

Deep-rooted weedgrowers can be hard to successfully pull out of suburban family areas, so they can simply be burned to death with boiling water.

Vegetable oil The first step is to identify the weedgrower, as they often come in many shapes and sizes, as is mother nature’s course.

Weedgrowers can be killed by injecting vegetable oil very carefully into the skin around their bulbs so they suffocate, die Close your eyes. What noises can you hear wafting over from and rot into the soil. next-door’s verandah? If it’s something like Michael Buble, Colbie Caillat or Josh Groban, you’re probably in the clear. But if you Drowning hear something that sounds more textured, rocky, or at worst, psychedelic — you’ve got cause for concern.

Weedgrowers that can’t be safely composted can be drowned in a bucket of water. This kills the weedgrower, and the remains Another thing to look out for is what your neighbours are donning can be made into a garden tonic. at any point in time. Floral prints: fine; paisley: you’re going down a dangerous rabbit hole; tie-dye: it’s time to take things into your Call the police own hands.

If you’re looking for a less hands-on method, and don’t want to get your fingers dirty, bring the boys in blue into your backyard and let them work their magic. If you’re lucky enough to get the riot squad, they’ll even bring their own gardening gloves.

Stoning your stoners

AFP//ABC November 2019

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Serve.

Protect.

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Paul Garry casts a critical eye over student media.

In April, the “French Review” into the very obvious freedom of speech crisis on University campuses found that no such crisis exists.

Unsurprisingly, Honi Soit splashed a story on their homepage the week after the release of the review parroting fun at the very reasonable IPA’s very reasonable suggestion that freedom of speech incidents at the University of Sydney represent the overwhelming majority of incidents amongst Australian universities.

Well, as always, Honi Soit’s high editorial standards are at play: they’ve contradicted their own assertion that there is no free speech crisis on campus by putting forward the idea that cops – yes, our brilliant boys in blue – should not be on campus. Why don’t the police get any freedom?

Where are their liberties? The article in question purports that “police abuse of migrant communities and communities of colour are welldocumented.” What about student abuse of police rights? Astonishing.

Welcome to Media Watch, where – under new management – not only do we ‘watch’ the media, we actively surveil it, reporting anything untoward to the relevant authorities.

Of particular concern are student media: the bane of the political establishment, Australian values, and the natural order of the world as God intended it to be.

Don’t be fooled – the police aren’t the only ones targeted. Honi Soit have attacked, with equal fervour, the inalienably morally righteous institution of the Catholic Church, alongside its stately constituents.

No, the paper doesn’t dawre criticise the violence of climate activists, Palestine, people who have had abortions, and feminists. Naturally, the target of their vitriol is a Catholic gentleman who “appears to support the disgraced Cardinal George Pell.” How’s the hypocrisy over there?

Well, what is to be done about these internal inconsistencies?

That brings us to the broader point of all this, which is that all student journalists should serve a round in prison for peddling this kind of nonsense.

AFP Kids Page 22

AFP//ABCNovember November 2019 AFP//ABC 2019

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22

There’s a stare in there and a prayer as well.

There are people with guns and stories to tell!

Today Big Ted teaches us unlawful arrests!

Little Ted

Hello, I’m Sergeant John.

We’re going to be doing some patrolling today.

Have you ever arrested someone before?

Maybe you could arrest your mum?

Maybe you’ve arrested your best friend or your brother?

Maybe you’ve arrested an innocent homeless person sleeping on a public bench because you’ve received a phone call from a resident down the street who believes the man is making families in the neighbourhood uncomfortable?

So what do we need for our

arrests today! Can you think of anything?

That’s right we need some handcuffs! Come on. Let’s go and make some.

We’re going to use our new paper handcuffs to play a game.

Jemima and Big Ted will play with us.

Jemima is under arrest for telling a police officer to fuck off.

You should never tell a police officer to fuck off. Now Big Ted will arrest her and take her back to prison. She is a repeat offender.

She’s told lots of police officers to fuck off.

Good work Big Ted.

Big Ted

Peppa teaches George a lesson.

Have you ever been pepper sprayed before? What did it feel like? What did you learn?

AFP//ABC November 2019

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It was an early morning, just as the day was dawning. Pat put on his iron-pressed shirt and pants, his funny oversized hat and holstered his X26 50,000 volt Axon taser.

“Come on now!” yelled Pat to his anti-black cat. “We’re running late.” The anti-black cat let out a long “PURRRRRRRR!” Pat got into his New South Wales Police Force Holden Commodore with his anti-black cat sat in the passenger seat. All the birds were singing. And the day was just beginning.

Pat began his daily patrol of Topsy Town. All his friends waved to him and smiled. He pulled up to the local train station. Something wasn’t right. Pat’s anti-black cat jumped out of the car and followed him to the barriers. “Where’s your opal card mate?” Pat said to a working class single mother. “You don’t have one?”

What should we do, kids?

That’s right! Pat gives her a $300 fine.

“Hi there Pat!” said Mrs Pennyfeather. “What are you up to today?” “ “Oh nothing much, Mrs

Pennyfeather,” Pat replied with a hearty smile “Just doing my bit to punish criminal scum!”

“Thanks Pat! You’re the best” As the clock struck twelve, Pat continued his patrol around Topsy Town. He stopped over to say hello to Billy the butcher, who tossed his anti-black cat a sausage. Suddenly Pat noticed an ethnic man driving outside the road. UH OH! He activated his lights and pulled the man over.

“Why have I been pulled over, officer?” the dangerous ethnic man

PARENTAL WARNING

said.

“Lot of expensive cars have gone missing recently mate,” Pat said.

“I’m driving a motorbike, officer,” the man rudely replied. Suddenly Pat’s anti-black cat let out a meow.

“I’m going to have to strip search you,” Pat politely informed the man.

“What, why?” the ethnic man questioned in a thick ethnic accent.

“Sniffer dog has detected some drugs on you mate,” said Pat. “That’s a cat.”

“Shut the fuck up and turn around,” laughed Pat.

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After failing to find any drugs, Pat gave the man a speeding ticket.

“Thanks for keeping us safe from those dangerous drivers,” yelled out Billy the butcher.

“No problem Billy! Thanks for your delicious meats!” said Pat. “I should get going now, I have some bullshit inquiry into police conduct!”

Pat drove off to the pointless inquiry. His anti-black cat let out another “MEEOOOWW!!” Pat felt like a really happy man.

Pictured: Bill, next to the accused, Bong, a male-alien aged 24, and his bong.

We regret to inform you that Lonely Planet has been taken off the air, after star member Bong was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia — in contravention of the Drug Misuse and Trafficking Act. Pictured: Bill, next to the accused, Bong, a male-alien aged 24, and his bong.

AFP//ABC November 2019

24

Protect. Censor. Serve.

Activities

Colouring for Mindfulness:

MURDER How can you free yourself from niggling everyday worries, such as political correctness? When your mind is distracted, simply pick up these designs inspired by weaponry, and reach for your colouring pencils. There are absolutely no rules — you can choose any combination of colours you like. As you concentrate on the simple action of colouring in, you will find your mind clearing and stress disappearing.

AFP//ABC November 2019

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Puzzles

Quick Crossword

25

Crossword Clues Across 8. Organisation of top blokes that I am proud to serve (6) 9.

A lot of our defendants play this, unfortunately (4,4) 10. What we do to crims (9) 11. First name of Detective Sergeant Rogerson, one of the most decorated cops in NSW history (also convicted murderer) (5) 13. These devices provide much needed transparency and accountability in encounters between officers and the public, provided they are turned on (8) 15. The status of some of our files for crimes that were too complicated to pursue (6) 16. TV series about an LA detective (7) 19. Police officers enforce laws and detain people in order to preserve this (7) 22. Capital city of the Bahamas, where a lot of dodgy folks hide their money (6) 24. UK PM who respected the need for a strong police force (8) 27. This type of search is really taking off! (5) 28. Sydney parade which many don’t like the NSW Police marching in, despite us playing an instrumental role in the inaugural event! (5,4) 31. Police in this place are doing it tough at the moment (4,4) 32. People you put your trust into at your own disadvantage (3,3)

Target Practice Target Rules Minimum 4 letters per word.

15 words: criminal 30 words: rehabilitating 55 words: upstanding 75 words: above the law

................................................... ................................................... ................................................... ................................................... ................................................... ...................................................

Down

................................................. ................................................. ................................................. ................................................. ................................................. .................................................

T.W.A.T. Clues Answers across and down are the same.

1. Crime (4) 2. Someone to look up to, such as a police officer (4)

3. They’re tops! (4) 4. Comply... or ____ (4)

Credit: All puzzles

by Constable Cloudrunner

1. Every detective’s favourite genre (4) 2. My police station looks like this, when its messy (6) 3. If you commit crimes, I’m gonna ____ ! (6) 4. A wonderful feature of a democratic society, as long as it doesn’t have any impact (7) 5. US immigration agency with powers this humble Aussie cop can only dream of (3) 6. Award, such as the Australian Police Medal or NSW Police Force Valour Award (8) 7. The funnest bit about arresting a suspect is getting to pull out my gun and shout this (6) 12. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to ____ (4) 14. The number to call in an emergency (3) 17. Upturns, increases, growths (8) 18. These lives matter! (4) 20. Be indebted to (as all are indebted to our police force) (3) 21. On the run (2,5) 23. Police Story, Dirty Harry, and Bad Boys II are great films of this genre (6) 25. Someone dependent on a substance (6) 26. The simple way to keep problem children under control (6) 29. Be a partner in crime (4) 30. Cutesy canine collaborator we use to sniff out drug traffickers at train stations (3)

AFP//ABC November 2019

26

TV GUIDE

ScoMo 24/7 All day Despite being cut to a single channel, the ABC is proud to present “ScoMo 24/7” — with a small display at the bottom of every program capturing the trials and tribulations of Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s day-to-day life. This week, he heads to Engadine for a quick stop at McDonalds. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rage: Against the Dying of the Light Every night from 1:00am Unsure about climate science? Need more proof for why civil liberties are important?

Hate people who exercise their principles in a democratic system? All that, and more ramblings backed with heavy metal all night long.

Prank Patrol with Scotty M and the Ninjas Monday 3:30pm After the old Scotty was locked up indefinitely for vigilante behaviour, Prank Patrol has a new host! Introducing Scotty M. He might look old, deeply malicious and unnervingly creepy, but what he lacks in charisma, empathy, originality and usefulness, he makes up for with crazy prankzz! This week, Scotty cracks a joke on kids in the Safe Schools Program.

The Cook and the Chief Tuesday 5pm Whilst ticketing speeding drivers together, Maggie Beer and NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller whip up two hearty meals perfect for on-duty work in the back of a police van.

This is literally fine dining.

Ja’mie: Uni Days (Season 2, Episode 3) Tuesday 9pm Ja’mie’s crush on stupol hack and St Pauls senior student Henry Hutchins inspires her to start an intercollegiate collective. But problems arise when Henry’s ex-girlfriend, and current Women’s Office Bearer, Talia Singh, organises multiple anti-rape protests outside the colleges.

Chris Lilley can’t seem to disappoint.

News Breakfast Wednesday 7:00am Kickstart your morning with a healthy dose of community thanks to the people who are preserving safety in your neighbourhood in the new segment, CrimeCast. Constable Joey Johns is in trouble in suburbia this week — his police horse is surrounded by unarmed civilians and his firearm is jammed. And later, he pays a visit to journalist Annika Smethurst.

AFP//ABC November 2019

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Protect. Censor. Serve.

TV GUIDE

27

7:30 with Leigh Sales Thursday 3:00am Leigh Sales delivers a three-hour lecture about life, family and the importance of faith.

Anh Do’s Brush With Fame: Season Finale Thursday 7:30pm Anh Do must set up a new painting space in an immigration detention facility after being arrested, and his private studio raided, by the AFP on suspicion of being too happy a refugee.

Fraser Anning sits down for a chat.

Arndtiques Roadshow Friday 3:00pm Bettina Arndt is back for Season 46 of Arndtiques Roadshow and this season she has the best haul yet. Activists beware! She has personal details, addresses, identities and credit card records.

The whole lot. And she’ll be auctioning them off one-by-one to the highest bidder.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: West Bribe Story Saturday 10pm In a special musical episode of the awardwinning American TV show, Jake Peralta and the crew reluctantly team up with US Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agents (I.C.E) to trap a drug lord on the run.

Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends Saturday 11pm After witnessing his best friend Gordon the Big Engine killed in a mysterious carriage bombing, Thomas channels his grief and anger into action by joining the special forces in Afghanistan as an actual tank. Meanwhile, as Emily the Stirling Engine struggles to look after their two young kids by herself, she finds herself strangely drawn to the new transport minister Andrew Constance. To gain his attention, she undergoes a makeover to make herself into a metro train.

Follow Thomas and friends in this gripping, new revenge tragedy.

Doctor Who: Let’s Kill Marx Sunday 7pm With the evil of Marxism terrorising the streets in the present, The Doctor and his companion, Chastity, return from a pro-Brexit meeting to find that the TARDIS has been vandalised. They decide to take matters into their own hands and find themselves in Paris on the 28th of August 1844, the fateful day the radical Karl Marx first meets his lifelong accomplice of malice, Friedrich Engels.

Good Game: Incels Monday 4:00pm

AFP//ABC November 2019

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28 unearthing new australian mines

review

review

Carmichael

Hope Downs

Adani

Greg Hunt

Hancock (feat. Rio Tinto) Gina Rinehart

01 Nov 2019

We’ve come to expect nothing less than stellar from this multinational project. Solidifying their reputation as a vital new voice in land degradation, ‘Carmichael’ will have you chanting down every street.

01 Nov 2019

Hope Downs? More like Dope Downs! What an absolute banger of a mine — this is industrial noise at its finest. A true star in the Western Australian underground scene, this mine is packing a few hidden gems.

review

review

Olympic Dam

Super Pit

BHP Flac O’Farrell 01 Nov 2019

Well folks, it’s in the name: DAM(N) SON. A flowing sound that just bursts into its climaxes, drowning out the accompanying cries coming from a band of environmentalists — Olympic Dam always keeps ­ things interesting.

AFP//ABC November 2019

KCGM

Malcolm Roberts 01 Nov 2019

Eu-effin-reka! Combining woozy, shimmering Kalgoorlie rock with lofi grime flows. Be sure the check out the finishing tracks - the construction of the new train system has really boosted up operational efficiency.

Protect. Censor. Serve.

29

NEWS: THE HOTTEST 100 RETURNS TO ITS RIGHTFUL JAN 26 HOME IN 2020

The Peter Pettigrew Award for Being A Self-Interested Rat: Laura Glase The Georgette Bechara Award for Lifelong Service to the Catholic Church: JP Baladi The Steve Buscemi Award for How Do You Do Fellow Kids: Michael Koziol

The Eleventh Editor We Miss the Most: Karishma Luthria

The Australian Army Award for Useless Shows of Force: Joseph Tesoriero Runner Up: Sashka Koloff

The Mikhail Gorbachev Award for Tearing Down Walls: Jesse Xu

The Halley’s Comet Once In A Lifetime Award: Drew Pavlou Runner Up: Don Markwell

The Fair Work Commission’s Best and Brightest Award: Epic Tea

The Patrick Massarani Award for Self-represented Litigation: Honi Soit

The Ted Cruz Award for Longest Filibuster: Vinil Kumar The Tim Anderson Award for Unfair Imprisonment: Extinction Rebellion protesters

The Good Things Come in Threes Award: Honi’s RepsElect livestreams

The Student Misconduct Award for Villainising Students: Bettina Arndt

The Kerri-Anne Kennerley Award for Not Being a Racist: Josie Jakovac

The Honi Soit Website Award for Shutting Down at Inopportune Moments: The Student Centre Runner Up: Campus Security

The Taylor Swift Award for Radical White Feminism: Gabi Stricker-Phelps

The Parliamentary Bipartisanship Award: Sydney Arts Students Society

The Yuxuan Yang Award for Stealing Student Money: Tina Lee Runner Up: SNP Security

The Jason Chan Missing in Action Award: SRC Legal Service Runner Up: Directors of Student Publications Laura Glase, Brandon Hale, Jinwei Luan, Kedar Maddali, Sean Perry and Jiaqi Shi

The OJ Simpson Award for Best Legal Team: Robert Smithies The Tom and Jerry Rivalry Award: Decheng Sun and Jacky He

The Hong Kong Police Award for Sheer, Unrelenting Brutality: The F23 Building The Belinda Hutchinson Award for Corporate Governance: The University of Sydney Union | Runner Up: Sydney University Sport and Fitness Award

The Hindenburg Award for Architectural Disasters: The Law Library The Goings-On Award for Losing All Use and Relevance: Honey Soy Runner Up: Tharunka

The Eastern Avenue to Zhongnanhai Corridor of Power Award: Weihong Liang

The Bruce Ross Getting Perks from Mates Award: Dane Luo

The Biggest Head Award: Head of Campus Security Simon Hardman

The Thomas McLoughlin Award for Misapplying Legal Concepts: Casper Lu

The Eleventh Editor We Never Wanted Award: Nick Bonyhady

The Inaugural Greatest Threat to Student Journalism Award: Jumpy Jumpy Helix Ball The Grammy Award for Song of the Year: Jacky He’s rendition of “Solidarity Forever” The Haydn Hickson Award for Flipping to This Section to Look For Their Name: James Ardouin

AFP//ABC November 2019

30

CONFESSIONS

Nell O’Grady For the majority of my university life, Honi Soit was a foggy impossibility.

There it sat in the distance, a hallmark of what I desperately wanted but perhaps could never get. This institution is similarly a remarkable impossibility.

It connects a campus and it connects a community of reporters and artists whom I am privileged to have known I have grown into this paper. I have grown into the skill sets, the creativity, the truly ridiculous work expectations. I have a stronger understanding of my own beliefs and identity. The friendships we have forged this year as a ticket have helped me realise what I’m capable of and what I want. I hope they continue long after we leave this office.

Joe Verity There are a bunch of different reasons why people edit Honi. Anyone who’s committed to dedicating a full year of their life to this institution no doubt has a love of writing. Notable names amongst the Honi alumni spur on those with aspirations to follow a career in the media or possibly law. It’s unlikely anyone does Honi for the money. But after a year of taking care of this near century-old institution, I can say with some degree of confidence that the best reason to edit Honi, by far, is the people. This institution attracts some of the most creative, driven, and principled people on campus, nine of whom I’ve had the joy of spending thousands of hours with this year.

Beyond those nine are almost 200 passionate, selfless, and talented reporters, artists, and contributors, as well as a lineage of editors who came before us to whom we owe so much. To the people of Honi, thank you, and good luck for the future.

Amelia Mertha Franny Choi writes, “There are only so many parallel universes that concern us.” And I fear that in a parallel universe I may not be lying on the floor of our office, queasy from sleep deprivation, but warm and nestled amongst some of the bravest and brightest people I know. This office is disgusting and yet I keep crawling back here because it feels like home.

For years I tried very hard to stay away from student politics, journalism and the like until a series of fortunate events carried me into the arms of Spice.

I feel like the luckiest person. I don’t think they needed me but they took me in anyway and never let me be anyone else but myself. If you so much as try to come for any of these nine people then you’ll have to go through me first. My dearest friends, I’ll meet you by the seaside soon.

Annie Zhang I love this paper so much and I will never write for it again. With the completion of this edition, my life at the University of Sydney has come to an end. This job has helped me grow in so many ways — I have challenged myself creatively, found the confidence to moderate debates, learnt more about stupol than I ever wanted to. And now it’s all ending. Goodbye to our shitty website.

Goodbye to the midnight muzzing sessions in our office. Goodbye to the night jasmine along the Redfern run. Goodbye to the eyes and the enemies and the awkward dreams.

But this isn’t goodbye for us, dearest Spice. I love every one of you with all my heart. We, at least, will never end.

AFP//ABC November 2019

Baopu He

Pranay Jha These may be my final words in a paper I have given four years of my life to. It’s late. I just want to dedicate this year to Ammu and Dadaji: my grandparents who passed away while I was in high school. This year has been tough, but I’ve always felt comforted knowing that they are smiling down on me. I hope that I can continue to make them proud. Of course, to Spice as well, who got me through the most tumultuous year of my life. Big love. Bigger name on campus. The King is out (had to say something arrogant).

Carrie Wen This year has been cooked. I had to decline invitations from my friends for Friday nights out and Sunday brunches.

I had to decline movie nights on Thursday with my partner. I’ve had overdue assignments and applied for multiple simple extensions. I’ve spent most of my life in the Honi Soit office. For the whole year, I kept hoping for my weekend back. However, in the past month, I’ve had numerous nightmares about saying goodbye to the paper and my nine favourite friends. I love staying with those people, the late-night laying up. I love to see the newspaper every time it comes out.

Suddenly, I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want my weekend back. This is my last year of uni and yet, it is the best year of my life.

Jessica Syed I recently finished reading The Idiot by Elif Batuman. In it, the editor of the Harvard Crimson expresses “repeatedly, in the most aggressive manner, that the Harvard student paper was his life.”

Over the past year, I too have gone increasingly bananas over my own student paper. I love it.

Most dearly, I love my friends with whom I have experienced this bizarre year. I hope our trials and tribulations (enhanced by this entirely pathetic, incompetent right-wing SRC) continue to bring us together around our awful takeaway dinners.

Alan Zheng In 2010, an anonymous donor gave Picasso’s ‘Jeune Fille Endormie’ to the University. A year later, they were free of the painting. It no longer owned them back. They spoke of feeling more free than ever. Honi Soit is now six years older than the cubist creation and not any less a product of art, craft and a messy — often confused — attempt at both. Honi has owned my life this year. At times, it felt like its scale and history were crushingly large and I, swiftly outlasted and overshadowed. For allowing Honi to have my life on loan, I am indebted to many. They know who they are — Vivian, my family, and my fellow editors. And now, like the donor and the subject of ‘Jeune Fille Endormie,’ I plan on finally getting some sleep.

I told everyone in the week leading up to the final edition that I was so ready to be “liberated.”

I have never felt particularly overwhelmed by the paper, but a year’s worth of fatigue suddenly hit me all at once and boy did it hit me hard. It was ending, finally, and all I could feel was relief.

But then at our own last supper, the finality of it all crashed down on me.

At first I thought it was frustration at how slow the work was going, until I found myself unable to say anything at all without my voice becoming strangled by the depth of emotion I felt and will probably always feel for the 9 other people on my team. Unable to even laugh without tearing up, I spent much of our final dinner in the toilet, trying to calm myself down, wondering why on earth I was feeling so much.

Regrettable, yes, but I guess that’s what happens when you say goodbye to the best year of your life, with the best people you’ll ever meet.

Liam Thorne A year in Honi is much like a game of Jumpy Jumpy Helix ball: frantically falling out of control despite your best intentions, passing the faces of friends as you go, deep in thought throughout. If you make it all the way through, you’ll be equally satisfied, and ready to never play again. Editing this paper has given me the absolute privilege of a year long community in the SRC with 9 fantastic people.

While I’m glad to move on, I’m blessed to have played.

Protect. Censor. Serve.

31

FOR THE CRIME OF TREASON Sophie Alais, Kiki Amberber, Misbah Ansari, Mohammed Awad, Raz Badiyan, Nesrine Basheer, Alex Bateman, Nicole Baxter, Ethan Bell, Thandiwe Bethune, Mark Bosch, Grace Bowskill, Jazzlyn Breen, Amy Brooke, Justin Brown, Dominic Bui Viet, Isabella Bull, Peter Burrell-Sander, Klementine Burrell-Sander, Danielle Cabubas, Rhea Cai, Lily Campbell, Emma Cao, Garnet Chan, Jocelin Chan, Soo Choi, Rebecca Chu, Maddie Clark, Brandan Clothier, Victoria Cooper, Genevieve Couvret, Nicole Dallis, Vivienne Davies, Laura de Feyter, Amanda Dheerasekara, Seth Dias, Kimmy Dibben, Sofie Dibben, Nina Dillon Britton, Liam Donohoe, Peter Dougherty, Amanda Duell-Ferguson, Nisha Duggan, Jonah Dunch, Robin Eames, Michael Eaton, James Elhindi, Deaundre Espejo, Maya Eswaran, Felix Faber, Cynthia Feng, Shi Feng, Kalvin Fernandez, Keesha Fields, Matthew Fisher, Austin Fong, Matthew Forbes, Cooper Forsyth, Zhiquan Gan, Vivian Gao, Samuel Garrett, James Goh, Emma Goldrick, Joseph Guo, Vivienne Guo, Kiran Gupta, Some Hack, Altay Hagrebet, Brandon Hale, Angela Hall, Wanshan Han, Liangyu Han, Thomas Harrington, Sophie Haslam, Coco Huang, Rameen Hayat, Ben Hines, Wilson Huang, Anya Icao, Jodie Jackson, Emmanuel Jacob, Albert Jagger, Supharirk James Chiraphatnachai, Joss Jasmine Gross, Grace Johnson, Anie Kandya, Jeffrey Khoo, Ms Eel Kink, Catherine Ku, Mariessa Lai, Michelle Lam, Emily Lau, Marcus Lee, Samuel Lehman, Steff Leinasars, Charlotte Lim, Cathy Lim, Marina Liu, Tim Livingstone, Johnson Ly, Alex MacIntyre, Hazel Mackenzie-Peterson, Kedar Maddali, Jagjit “Jason” Malhotra, Dhanya Mani, Georgia Mantle, Owen Marsden-Readford, Robbie Mason, Andy Mason, Andrea Masselos, Ella McKelvey, Patrick McKenzie, Alex Mcleay, Anthony McManus, Momoko Metham, Layla Mkh, Iced Mocha, James Monaro, Hayden Moon, Elizabeth Mora, Kelton Muir, Joanna Nam, James Newbold, Amy Newland, Akala Newman, Anh Nguyen, Anton Nguyen, Aisling Ní Bhroin, Shania O’Brien, Yoona Oh, Claire Ollivain, Kara Ortiga, Ken Pak, Connor Parissis, Shani Patel, J. Pearce, Sophie Peppernell, Sean Perry, Katherine Porritt-Fraser, Peter Prentice, Louise Press, Kowther Qashou, Antoinette Radford, Seb Rees, Subandana Rimal, Millie Roberts, Fabian Robertson, Hannah Roux, Angad Roy, Hayley Rudkin, Lindsay Rui, Rhys Rushton, Daanyal Saeed, Swapnik Sanagavarapu, Reagan Scott Ward, Anthony Segaert, Ananya Shah, Max Shanahan, Himath Siriniwasa, Lara Sonnenschein, Thomas Sydney St John, Elinor Stephenson, Savannah Stimson, Zoe Stojanovic-Hill, Georgia Tan, Pei Wen Tan, Ranuka Tandan, Max Tao, Bryce Taylor, Imogen Terry-Lancaster, Rhea Thomas, Mavis Tian, Alice Trenoweth-Cresswell, Ewan Uncles, Tiffany Vaughan, Sasha Veber, Max Vishney, Katarzyna Wagner, Chuyi Wang, Prudence Wilkins-Wheat, Ellie Wilson, Mavis Wong, Sylvie Woods, Crystal Yi Xu, Donnalyn Xu, Ye Xue, Iris Yao, Victor Ye, Roisin Young Murphy, Zara Zadro, Iris Zeng, Mei Zheng, Jess Zlotnick, Noa Zulman, Tournesol, Cloudrunner, Lukas, Fossil Free USyd, Anonymous, Ben

FOR THE CRIME OF VANDALISM Matilda Alex-Sanders, Olivia Allanson, Charlotte Allingham, Thandiwe Bethune, Shrawani Bhattarai, Jazzlyn Breen, Emma Cao, Garnet Chan, Jocelin Chan, Victoria Cooper, Charlotte Dennis, Robin Eames, Matthew Fisher, Grace (Zhiqian) Fu, Merindah Funnell, Vivian Gao, Altay Hagrebet, Isabelle Hans-Rosenbaum, Emma Harbridge, Andrew Herman, Steff Leinasars, Oliver Mackie Pawson, Chris McClymont, Momoko Metham, Lauren Moore, Ludmilla Nunell, Alexa Potts, Lindsay Rui, Tanushri Saha, Ieong Meng Seng, Elinor Stephenson, Ranuka Tandan, Max Tao, Sonya Thai, Elle Vanderdeyl, Nhatminh Vu, Elaine Wang, Ellie Wilson, Donnalyn Xu, Victor Ye, Maosen Ye, Angela Zha, Ellie Zheng, Mei Zheng, Jess Zlotnick, Rainbownote, BrownTown

AFP//ABC November 2019

FUN

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DISCIPLINE

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