Issuu

I hid in the woods behind my house.

I could hear my mother yelling my

name. And I sat still and counted how many times she said it. "Skylar! Where are you?" And Sara, my next door neighbor, helped my mom. She was without a mother. Her cousins Billy and Cory told me once that her mother had her head cut off in a car accident. Sara had told them to shut up. I wasnâ€™t sure if it was true or not. "Come back Sky!" Sara would repeat. Sara would run into the woods and look. I could watch where she went from my hiding place, and I could see the house. I couldn't stand to see my mother cry. But the funny thing was - even though I couldn't stand to watch â€“ her crying would fill me up with love. So I continued to count. "Skylar! Come back please! I love you!" Two. I kept my two fingers out to remember the number. But in my head, I would come up with a number. When my mother - Sara calling for me didn't count - yelled out for me the exact number of times that was in my head, I would slide out from my hiding place and come down from a place that was a distance from where I had been hiding. That way I kept my hiding place secret. Sara scurried around in our backyard. I saw her check my parents' greenhouse. Saw her climb the nailed planks that led up to the tree house my dad had started and I had finished. "Sky?" she would call out before she got to the top or before the door to the greenhouse was completely open. Sara was cute, I guess. She was a year and a half younger than me. She had brown hair and she always put it up in two bouncy pigtails. I saw a picture of her mom once. They looked alike. I saw the way her dad looked at her - it was like he was looking at someone else. His wife I suppose. He would stare out the kitchen window when she and I jumped on her trampoline, and he would go away crying. I never told Sara I saw him cry. He missed her and everyday, Sara reminded him. I felt sorry for them. But it didn't matter. I was angry at Sara now the way she helped my mother. I felt this was a family affair. I didn't want an outsider to know what was going on. I didn't want anybody but my parents to know that I was running away. It was nobody else's business. I wish she would just leave me alone. Keep out of my business. Her and her dad were Jehovah's Witnesses. Her mom had been Christian. Every two weeks she would visit her grandmother - her mother's mother - and visit her grandmother's Baptist church. When we would play, she never mentioned God. I brought it up a lot. I would ask her the obvious Jehovah Witness questions: you don't celebrate your birthday? What do you do on Christmas? Don't you want to trick or treat on Halloween? She wouldn't answer. She went quiet or brought up something else to talk about. I could tell she was confused. That meant she had no right to try to fix my life. "Come out Sky! Let's play!" she yelled running into her backyard and checking out her own woods. I would cower in the bushes and watch. Afraid that she would see me as clearly as I could see her. I would cry and often, I thought about giving up. But it was too late. I had already run away. I couldn't go back now. I was afraid my mom really didn't love me. I was too ashamed of what I felt. She told me she did. Dad did too. She fed me. Her and my dad gave me a place to live. She washed my clothes. They bought me toys. But I determined how much they loved me by how many times they called out my name. "Skylar C. Parker. You come out here this instant or I'm going to call your father!" Three. Call him, I thought. See if I care. My number was ten: all my fingers. In the distance, I could hear Sara calling out my name. Sara didn't seem too sad that her mom was dead. She said she was too young to really remember her. She said her father made up for her mother. She said he protected her. "No one will ever hurt me as long as he's alive," she would say. I was envious. I never felt protected. So I waited - counting my name on my fingers. And I trembled and cried in the honeysuckle bush - afraid they would just give up.

protection, kansas gary S. jackson

US Route 160 and 183 I don’t believe in God. Sky turned the radio off to think. Yeah, I can feel the wind but can’t see it. Is that the best argument? So what? What does that really mean? I’m feeling the air molecules slapping my hand around so I can do that pretend to be an airplane thing with my fingers. He looked out across the fields around him. The sky was rich blue and the noon sun hot pouring into his sunroof. A road sign said he was on US Route 160 and 183. Dotting the rows and rows of farmland was an occasional black oil derrick sliding up and down. His hand was out the window flapping. Sky felt a little self-conscious, pulled his hand inside, and rolled up the window. “Sorry. I don’t believe in you anymore.” He paused. The words felt funny coming out. “I’m talking to myself.” He muttered. Sky grew quiet in his black Jetta roaring down a long stretch of country road. He was a long way from Dallas and very lost, hungry, and tired. He slept three hours the night before on the shoulder of the highway. He wondered if the office wondered where he was. The quiet roar of the wind streaming through his sunroof and his passenger window was too loud. His brain was beginning to clog from the contention of thoughts. The miles and miles of flat Kansas land seemed eternal, and the road continued on. And on. And on. Then the isolatation came. “I’ll make a pact with You God.” He finally said. “I challenge You. Prove Yourself. Show me You exist. This is not about Amanda. This is between You and me.” Sky let out a deep breath. “I would shake on it – but guess what? I don’t see a hand.” I have to get used to this life. It’s all I have. All I have is what I see around me. What I feel. This is my only reality. Sky reached up and touched the sun visor and felt the fabric. Savored the touch on his finger. Took in a big gulp of air and let out slowly feeling it come out hot. My one and only life. The engine temperature gauge on the console swung up then fell to normal again. Sky’s eyes noticed the change. He looked down from the road and watched. Again, the gauge swerved to 230 degrees. The Jetta sputtered. The pointer returned to the middle reading momentarily then flew past 230 and stayed. The engine gasped and finally the console lights came on and began buzzing. The steering wheel went heavy in his hand, and suddenly his Jetta was dead. He fought it to the side of the road and it rolled to a stop. Sky hit the steering wheel with his fist. “Shit.” The hood was smoldering and his fingers burned when he fondled the catch for propping it up. So he pushed his fingers in, pressed quickly, and then pulled out. Sky could feel the clasp give but go right back. So in, press, and yank out. In, press, out. Finally, the hood shot up and steam billowed and stung his eyes. He fanned it away and looked down at the engine. He already knew that he wouldn’t know. But it didn’t matter. This was the universal sign of a motorist in distress – wasn’t it? Hood up and puzzled look on the driver’s face. His dad worked on car engines. He programmed computers. “Get off that damn thing and help me change the oil.” his dad would say when he was a kid. “In a minute, dad. Let me finish this one thing…” And Sky pecked away at the keyboard. Sky shrugged his shoulders. “Now look at me.” I would give up a hundred days on the PC for one day with my dad out in the garage right now. A deafening screech exploded beside him. Sky jabbed his fingers in the grill of the car and ducked. A yellow school bus slid to a stop beside him. He could smell the stink of burned rubber. The glass doors folded open and Amanda rushed out. “Stephen?” she yelled running at him. “Amanda?” he said weakly. How did she find me? Before him stood a beautiful, strawberry blonde with bright green eyes and her hair tied up with a rubber band pushing out a pony tail. She wore a simple white tank top, dirty blue jeans

shorts, and green flip flops. Her face was red with sun. She held an amazing resemblance to Amanda – but she was a little taller and her hair was straight not curly. Yet, the damage was done to his psyche. His knees went weak. A frog jumped into his throat. “You’re not Stephen,” she said sadly looking down at him crouching. He took in a breath and spoke slowly. “No. My name ain’t Stephen.” He stood up. She studied the ground for a moment. Sky looked up at the bus and saw the windows filled with curious faces – eight and ten year old boys and girls examining him. “I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “I hope I didn’t scare the crap out of you.” Sky laughed nervously. “Well, not much you can do about that now.” She gained her composure. “What’s wrong with your car?” “You’re guess is good as mine.” He smiled sheepishly. She moved over beside him and looked down on it. She swatted her hand in front of her wiping away the steam. Then she put her hands on the small of her back. “A lot of steam. “ She paused. “The radiator maybe. When was the last time you checked the fluids in this thing?” “Fluids?” “Yeah. Water. Oil.” “I took it to Jiffy Lube a couple of weeks ago. Aren’t they supposed to do that?” She looked at him and showed her dimples when she smiled. “I guess.” “Oh.” He gazed stupidly at his car. “Hi, my name is Aria. And please don’t mention `The Little Mermaid.” She stuck her hand out to shake. “Sky Parker. Wasn’t her name Arial?” He took it and gripped it hard just like she was a man. “Exactly. But you would be surprised how many people can’t tell the difference. I hear it all the time, `Your name is the same as that little mermaid girl.’ Damn idiots.” She shook her head. “Anyway. Nice to meet you, Mr. Parker. Get in. I’m late taking these kids back. We went for a little summer swim at Kiowa Creek. You can hitch a ride with me back to Protection. There’s a garage there where you can have it towed and looked at. But I bet my soul it’s the radiator. Just need some fluid.” “Protection?” “Yeah. That’s the next town. The only town.” She winked at him, went up the steps into the yellow Blue Bird school bus, and sat in the driver’s seat. Sky looked back at his car. It looked fragile with the hood propped up and the steam rolling out. “Get in.” Aria smiled - the dimples showing again. He reluctantly stepped inside. Aria looked in the rear view mirror and started talking. “James? Get up and sit with Jenny please. Let Mr. Parker have your seat.” “Why me? Why do I have to get up? I’ve always sat in this seat. I’ve never sat in another seat my whole life.” Aria laughed. “Don’t be so anal, James. Get up.” A ten year old boy with a crew cut in a flashy neon yellow swim suit and a T-shirt that read: Being sexy is a tough job but somebody has to do it - stood up and moved. Sky sat down rather awkwardly as the bus shuffled forward. Aria shifted the bus from gear to gear. He could feel dozens of eyes burning holes into the back of his head. He turned and saw all the kids on the bus staring at him. “Hi.” he said impulsively. He felt a tug on his arm. “Excuse me, sir.” Sky turned and saw a dirty blonde haired boy with glasses peering at him curiously. “Are you going to kill us?” He laughed. “No. I’m not going to kill you. Why do you say that?” “My dad always told me that hitch hikers are all killers and rapists.” “Well, I’m not a hitch hiker. My car just broke down.” “Is that what you say before you kill?” “Say what?”

“`I’m not a hitch hiker.’ That way the victim feels more relaxed and comfortable around you so they don’t expect it when you hit them upside the head with a pipe.” “I don’t have a pipe.” “Maybe you don’t need a pipe. Maybe you’ll simply strangle us all to death.” “I’ve never killed anything in my life. Maybe a hornet or a wasp every now and then. But I save crickets. I save rolly pollies. Grand daddy long legs. I’m not a killer.” The boy frowned at him. “My name is Sky. What’s yours?” The boy turned to his friend and whispered in his ear. The friend seemed shocked. “What did you say to him?” “Why do you care?” The boy’s gaze grew stark. “Is your conscious bothering you?” “No.” Sky laughed loudly. He looked to Aria who was smiling with him. “My name is Pete.” “But your name isn’t Pete…” his friend said beside him. “Shut up.” The boy jabbed his friend in the side. “Nice to meet you, Pete.” Sky saw the other kids starring quietly in horror. Sky slowly turned around. As gently as he could, Pete informed the rest of the bus: “Be careful. Don’t tell him your real names. If he knows your name, it gives him a sense of depth as he kills. Like he was a part of your life.” The whole bus seemed to gasp. Aria looked at Sky. “His father is the deputy sheriff.” Sky sat still deliberating. What the hell was he going to do now? Don’t even know where I’m going. “Where were you headed?” Aria suddenly asked. “What?” he asked. “What are doing way out here?” “I came from Dallas.” “Dallas? Do you know where you are? You’re a long way from Dallas, sweetie.” “I know.” She starred at him and smiled. “You running from something?” “Probably the law.” the boy who called himself Pete blurted out. “That’s enough, Randy.” Randy turned white as a ghost. He said very softly, “Oh my God, he knows my name…” “I wouldn’t say I’m running. I’m going somewhere. The only catch is. I don’t know where I’m going. I guess I’ll find out when I get there.” She wrestled with the steering wheel. “Right now, you’re headed for Protection.” A green John Deere tractor came up in the opposing lane. Aria beeped her horn and waved. “Hello, Mr. Stevenson.” The old man in the tractor waved back.

the Last Stop “Here you are.” Aria suddenly announced. She stopped the bus in front of an old service station. The sign for the service station read: The Last Stop. “The owner’s name is Charlie. He’s an honest guy. He won’t take your money and leave you hanging. But be careful not to bring up the moon landing back in 1969. He believes the whole space program is a conspiracy.” Sky stood up. “I’ll try not to work that into the conversation.’ “Bye, Mr. Killer.” Randy, had been Pete, said first. “Bye.” A little girl added. “Goodbye, Mr. Bundy.” Another said. “Kill somebody for us, okay?” A little Indian boy stated enthusiastically. “Tell them right before they die – `This is from Protection, Kansas.’” “I will.” He turned to Aria. “I think they’re leaving these kids unattended too long in front of the television.” She smiled. “Don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been driving past.” “Don’t mention it. I hope you find your way. Whatever way that is.” They shook hands. “Just remember one thing, my momma always said: humans when they run from things, are just little hamsters on their hamster wheels. And when they get off, they’re in the same place they started from.” Sky nodded. “Very profound.” “Well, momma thought she was. God rest her soul. Little did she know that her only daughter knew the secret to life.” “Which is?” “Sorry. I made a promise to God, I wouldn’t say.” She grinned. “Okay, I’ve got to run. Good luck.” Sky hurried down the steps. Outside the Last Stop, two burly men in blue jumpsuits and one in worn overalls sat on stacked milk crates playing checkers. They spit tobacco on the ground in spurts – sometimes in unison – sometimes in sequence. The men in the blue jumpsuits were playing each other. The younger one also wore a black, worn Harley-Davidson hat and the older man simply had salt and pepper balding hair and silver whiskers. They looked up from their game for a second to see him coming around the self-serve island, but went back to their game. An old RC Cola machine whirred loudly beside them. The younger man stroked his chin, and then his eyes lit up. His fingers went to the board and took two jumps. “King me you sonuvabitch.” “You younger fellas always cocky as hell.” the old man replied pulling a black checker from his winnings. Even with a king, he didn’t stand a chance. “Good afternoon. Who’s winning?” Sky asked swiping his forehead and adjusting his arms in his shirt so the armpit sweat would roll down his arm instead of wetting his shirt. The afternoon Kansas heat was beginning to get to him. “I am.” the older gentleman replied. “Not for long.” the younger added. “Look here boy. It’ll take an act of God to get you out of the hell hole you’ve dug for yourself.” He contemplated for a moment and then took three jumps. “King me.” The older man looked up at Sky. “What can I do you for?” “My car broke down a couple of miles out of town. I was wondering if you could help me.” The man with the hat stood up. “Hell yeah.” “Sit your ass down. You ain’t weaseling out of this beating. “ The young man sighed and sat back down. The old man continued in Sky’s direction, “Any idea what was wrong with it?” Sky shook his head. “A lot of steam when I lifted the hood. Really, I don’t know a lot about cars. But I was told this place is real decent. Won’t take me for a ride.”

“Be careful there, son. Let’s say we wanted to take your money – we could. Especially after you just pulled down your pants with those words, and let your butt hang out so anybody can slap it.” The older man watched the younger man squirm because he had no moves. They all spit in unison. “But yeah, whoever told you that – they’re right. We take pride in being honest. We’ll fix you up.” “So you said there was a lot of steam?” the man in the hat repeated. Sky shook his head. “A lot of steam. And the car just stopped. Dead as a doornail. I left it on the side of the road.” “Okay. You win Charlie. I give up. You happy?” The young guy started swiping off the checkers and gathering them in piles and folding up the board. The old man grunted and stood up. “Alright. We better drive out there and check it out.” The older man turned to the other man in overalls. “Thanks for refereeing. Next game I’ll beat your ass.” He patted him on the shoulder, and the old man in overalls smiled a gummy grin. He had no front teeth. Then he staggered off. “Jessie, go get Bertha.” The man in the hat nodded but took the checker board inside first. “My name is Charlie.” He stuck his hand out to shake. The hand was clean, but the wrist was smeared with oil. Sky shook it hard. “Sky Parker.” “Different name Sky. Never think I heard that one before.” An old blue wrecker pulled beside them. Charlie went to the front glass door of the Last Stop garage, pulled out some keys, and locked it. “Usually I don’t lock up, but wouldn’t you know it that today would be the day I would be robbed blind.” He came up to the truck and opened the door with a creak. He motioned for Sky to get in. “Thanks.” And Sky slid in. There was an awkward silence for a couple of miles after Sky told them in what direction to drive. The windows of the truck were down and the summer wind fumed around them. “Hot as hell today.” Charlie finally said to break the silence. “Yes sir it is.” He could feel sweat on the back of his neck. “Where you coming from?” Charlie asked. “Dallas.” “How the hell did you end up here?” He changed his tone. “Did you mean to end up here?” “Yes.” Sky grunted. “Well, no.” “Hold on there. What are you running from? The law? A woman?” Sky shook his head. “Why does everybody believe I’m running from something?” “Why else would you be here? No one just comes to Protection. Protection is an accident for outsiders. It’s an end for the townsfolk. We love it that way.” Sky stayed quiet. “Did Beth call me today, Charlie?” the man in the hat interrupted. “Not that I remember.” The man in the hat went silent. Finally said, “I think she’s cheating on me.” “Who with?” “Bob Livingworth.” “Lefty? The post man? Why in the hell would she cheat on you with Lefty? He had testicle cancer. Only has one nut.” “He’s the only man that goes out to our house. He has his own route now after Sally Mae had her baby. And Charlie, you know Beth doesn’t go anywhere much. And that sonuvabitch is a charmer. I’ve been to the post office before. Sold me stamps and made jokes with the ladies in line. Even licks the stamps for them. It’s that visual thing – you know. Showing them his tongue.” “That’s enough, Jessie. We’ve got a visitor in the truck.” “He’s just trying to let the women know – he kisses with the tongue.” Jessie groaned. “Maybe just because I’m a little old fashioned. Mister –“ And Jessie glanced over at Sky. “Do you kiss with your lips or do you go for the tonsil sucking thing?”

Sky was a little uncomfortable. “I’m a lip man myself.” “Hell yeah. We’ve got us a lip man in here. I like him already.” The truck went silent. “What about kissing with the lips do you like?” “I’m sorry?” “Do you like sucking on the bottom lip? Or do you do that Casablanca thing?” “Casablanca thing?” “Just put your mouth on hers and push.” Sky cleared his throat. “I don’t really know where this conversation is going.” “Goddammit. I’m trying to compare myself to other guys. I want to know what I rank.” “Jessie, I think that’s enough. You’re a good kisser. You don’t need a stranger to tell you that.” Charlie affirmed. “And Beth ain’t having an affair.” Jessie straightened his hat and ran his fingers over his mouth. “Sorry about that. I get a little emotional when it comes to my wife.” he said. The three men sat and watched the road pass. Finally, Jessie added “Just to make me feel better, can I stop by the house and check on her?” Jessie looked over at Sky. “Is that okay, mister?” Sky shook his head. “By all means.” Jessie pushed down on the gas and the truck sped up. Jessie rolled down the window as he pulled up the dirt drive. “Beth?” he called out before stopping. “Beth?” he yelled out. He put the truck in park and climbed out. A husky dark haired lady came out on to the porch with her forehead wrinkled. She stood there in cut off blue jean shorts and a flowery tank top. “Jessie? What are you doing home so early?” “I missed you, baby.” And he hugged her. “He does this everyday.” Charlie said quietly. “Accuses her of having an affair. Runs home to check on her. Finds she’s all alone. Then he takes the afternoon off to practice procreation. Damned newlyweds. Maybe it’s the heat.” He pulled a white handkerchief out of a pocket and wiped his face. Sky watched the couple on the porch give each other a peck on the lips. Then another. Then another kiss became longer. Harder. Suddenly, the two were embraced in a passionate embrace. He swore he saw Jessie use his tongue. “Just got married, huh?” Charlie opened the door, walked around the truck, and got in on the driver’s side. “Yeah, two years ago. Maybe it’s three.” Charlie blew out a breath. “Who the hell knows? All I know is I’m paying him a whole day’s wages for him to take off in the middle of the afternoon to have sex with his wife. Oh well.” Charlie put the truck in reverse and began to back out. “I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?” Jessie pulled away to nod – but then his wife took him by the hand and yanked him inside the house. “I don’t blame him. If I had the chance again, I would do the same thing.” Sky was gentle about asking. “You lost your wife, sir?” “Drunk teenager ran into her.” Charlie pulled out of the drive. “Can I give you some advice, son?” “Yes sir.” “Three things never take for granted: life, love, and a good shit. Because if you lose one of them – life isn’t worth living.” Sky nodded. Charlie scratched his head. “This is going to be tough.” He looked down at the Jetta. “Damn German cars. Started back during World War II.” “But it was assembled in Mexico. Maybe the Mexicans screwed it up.” Sky put in. Charlie shook his head. “Nope. I don’t think so. Germans screwed this thing up. We need to get this back to the garage so I can give it a once over.” “What about all the steam? Does that tell you anything?” Charlie’s eyebrows wrinkled. “That it’s broke.” Sky blew out a big breath.

“Help me hitch this thing up.” Charlie walked to the wrecker and loosened the chain and hook. The sun was falling when they pulled into Protection, but the air remained calm and sizzling. Charlie insisted on driving 40 miles per hour the whole way back with the “German” car. “No telling what might happen if we start getting some speed. The back axle could break off. Could be a bomb left over from World War II stuck in the air bag.” Charlie had explained. “Yes sir.” Sky agreed but it was on the tip of his tongue to mention that Neil Armstrong was one of his greatest heroes. They backed Sky’s Jetta into the garage, pulled down the garage door, and locked it with a padlock. “I’ll look at this first thing in the morning. Looks like you’ll have to spend the night. The hotel is just down on Broadway. I’ll drop you off. It’s on my way.” Sky was quiet. Frustration was building. He was completely drained – famished and tired. “Are you hungry?” Charlie asked. It was all Sky could do to nod. “How about I treat you to some supper? I’ll take you by the Filling Station. Janice will fix you right up.” Sky felt callow. “No – you don’t have to do that. Believe me I appreciate the offer. But I don’t want you going out of your way.” “What are you talking about son? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you got a lot on your mind. Maybe you need some fifty-nine year old wisdom.” “No sir. I’m okay. The ol’ noodle may be overworked a little.” Sky pointed to his head. “But I will survive.” “Damn good chicken fingers. How about I buy you a plate – then I’ll let you be.” Just the mention of food made his stomach rumble. “If you insist.” Charlie hit Sky on the back hard. Sky could feel his skin bruise. “Come on then.”

the Filling Station The Filling Station was a converted passenger train section turned into a diner. It had a large tractor trailer parking lot and a smaller lot for conventional cars holding old Ford and Chevrolet pickups. Charlie led Sky past a staggering tramp outside begging for change. Inside, Charlie greeted several of the regulars. He directed himself to his usual stool. He plucked the plastic menu out of its holder and handed it over to Sky. A gray haired lady in a hair net appeared behind the counter clutching a pen and notepad. “What’ll it be Charlie?” Charlie sniffed before speaking. “Miss Janice, this boy’s been through hell. What do you recommend?” “Jesus.” “Excuse me?” Sky replied. “Do you know Jesus, son?” “Yes ma’m.” “Have you invited him into your heart?” “Yes ma’m I have.” Sky was about to tell her about the wager he had made with God but thought it might be a little inopportune. “Well in that case. I would recommend the meat loaf.” She smiled and her teeth were yellow. Sky studied the menu. “Not much of a meat loaf lover myself. I heard the chicken fingers were wonderful.” “You’ve been talking to Charlie?” Sky smiled and fit the menu back in its holder. “And a glass of ice water please.” Miss Janice scribbled. “And you Charlie?” “Just a cup of coffee. I’ve got stuff waiting for me at the house.” “Sure thing.” And Miss Janice walked through the swinging doors leading to the kitchen. Charlie cleared his throat. “What scares the hell out of you son?” Sky answered with a smile “Remember those old ghost stories they used to have on that old show `That’s Incredible’. I watched that when I was a kid but even today I still have nightmares.” Charlie nodded appreciatively to Miss Janice as she handed him his coffee and Sky is water. “Cut the bullshit. Just one old fart to a young fart. What are you afraid of?” Sky became serious. “I don’t think it’s any of your business.” Charlie was surprised. “I’m sorry?” “That’s kind of personal sir.” “Come on now. I ain’t asking you if you ever had sex with a cow. Maybe it’ll clear up what’s going on in your head.” Sky sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe just being just a face in the crowd. Being a nobody.” Charlie sighed. “Too late. When you came up to The Last Stop, you were just that. I didn’t know who the hell you were. And to tell you the truth, I really didn’t care. I just wanted to kick Jessie’s ass in checkers. Nothing you can do about that.” “What about now?” “No. I know you. I guess. Your name has a face. You seem decent enough. Respectful. But it doesn’t really mean I know you now. Who really knows anybody nowadays?” Sky was gentle with his agreement. “No. You can never really know anybody.” He wondered if Amanda thought that. “So what about you? What scares the hell out of you?” “Drunk drivers. Cancer. Just afraid sometimes.” “Of dying?” “Yeah I guess. Sometimes I’m petrified of loneliness. Dying in agony. Just a lot of things. Sometimes afraid that after I die there’s nothing. You live, die, and that’s it. And I’ll never see her again.” Charlie took a long gulp from his coffee. Sky said nothing. “Have you ever been married?” Charlie asked. “No sir. Thought about it.”

“What about thinking about it stopped you from doing it?” Sky shrugged. Charlie stared at him for a second then asked the question that had been plaguing him all day, “What’s the girl’s name?” Sky let out a deep breath. “I don’t mean to seem unappreciative. But I don’t feel like talking right now. I just want to eat. I’m tired sir.” “Not a problem.” Charlie answered. And with that Sky killed the conversation. Their food came and they ate wordlessly. Charlie and Sky were very congenial with their good-byes. Sky ended up leaving the tip while Charlie paid for the meal. Sky refused to have it any other way. Protection Motel was across the street from the Filling Station. Rooms were thirty-five dollars a night. He handed the old man at the counter his credit card and he was given room key number seven. Once in his room, he went directly to the shower. He savored the water and soap against his skin and the steam fogged all the mirrors in the bathroom. After toweling off, he sat down on the bed and the loneliness returned. Sky put his clothes back on and returned to the front office. “Is there a pub or bar anywhere nearby?” “Don’s Place. Diagonally across from here. Just up on the right on Broadway.” the hotel manager replied.

Don’s Place “Hey it’s Spiderman,” a voice said behind him. Sky turned from his glass of Chianti wine. It was Aria – the woman from the bus. “Spiderman?” She shrugged her shoulders. “Word association. Blue Sky. Peter Parker equals Spiderman. Sky Parker, right?” “And your name is Aria.” “How do you remember it?” “Idiots call you Arial.” She smiled. She wore a jade, short sleeved, button down knit shirt that came up just enough to show her tiny belly button. She still wore her blue jeans and flip flops. He could see a white bra strap peeking out at the wide neck of the shirt. The color complimented her eyes in the dimly neon lit bar. Remarkably beautiful. Still reminded him of Amanda. “Let me correct you: damn idiots.” She smiled and displayed her dimples. “Can I join you?” It startled him. He could feel the buzz of the wine in his brain now. “Uh yeah. Sure.” Sky scooted over on his bar stool and created a loud scraping noise against the floor. “So what’s the secret to life?” Aria mounted the stool and began playing with the packets of matches on the bar. “Just slide that in casually – like I would answer that casually. I told you I can’t tell you. The answer would rock your world.” “Really?” He took a drink of his wine. “What are you doing here?” she asked. “I should be asking you the same thing.” “I’m bored. The bar always has someone to talk to.” “What about your…” he looked down on her hand to see a wedding band. “…boyfriend?” “I’m a single woman. Don’t have time for boyfriends.” “They keep you from being bored.” “Yeah, but they usually leave you with unexpected surprises – herpes, babies, broken hearts – you name it.” “That’s a very pessimistic way to look at things.” “And this from a man who’s running away from something?” Sky laughed. “You don’t know I’m running from anything.” “You might as well wear a T-shirt painted in neon colors: runaway.” Sky chuckled. “Runaway? I haven’t heard that since I was a kid.” “You ran away when you were a kid.” “Yeah. Doesn’t everybody?” “I didn’t. Was always too scared. Afraid of wild animals.” She began plucking the matches off their books and striking them against their packages. They would erupt in yellow flame and burn down their stem quickly. She would blow them out before the fire touched her fingers. “How are the kids?” “Back safely. They love going out to the creek. They really don’t swim. They just wade around. I affectionately call them the `Protection swim team’. It gives their mothers a break or their parents time to be alone.” She lit another match and watched it burn, blew it out, and directed the string of smoke with her fingers. “You’re a good person.” “I’m not the only one.” “What do you do when you’re not taking the kids out for a swim?” “I teach out at the elementary school during the fall and winter. That’s how I know these kids. I teach second and third grade – whatever they need that year, you know?” “Want a drink?” Sky asked. “No thanks. I don’t drink.” “Come on. It’s on me.”

“Drinking constitutes letting my guard down. I never let my guard down.” She smiled to herself. She looked at his glass of wine. “Are you a refined man? Drinking wine?” “No. I just like to pretend.” “At least your honest.” She laughed. “No,” he grinned too. “you just think I am.” He dragged his finger around the top of his wine glass. “You know you look just like somebody I know.” “Oh that’s original. Believe me, I’ve never heard that one before.” “No, I’m serious. You remind me of someone I know. Her name is Amanda.” He looked away as if he saw her. “Is she who you’re running from?” Sky suddenly filled up with anger. “Shutup with the running away thing.” She looked at him and remained quiet. “Don’t get your panties in a wad. I don’t put bandages on injured dogs. Bark and growl all you want. It just means you’re scared.” Sky finished his glass of wine and said nothing. “Well, it’s funny. You remind me of somebody too. That’s the only reason I stopped. I didn’t intend to pick you up. I normally don’t pickup strangers – especially when I’m driving the kids around.” “Who do I remind you of?” “It’s not important.” “Oh, that’s fair. I divulge private information about myself and you clam up. Communication is a two way street, young lady.” “Actually, communication is a sewage treatment plant. You dump all your crap in one place, sprinkle cancerous chemicals on it, and expect it to clean itself up. Or make sense.” “That one statement says loads about your personality.” He raised his hand to the bartender. “Another glass, sir.” “Coming right up.” the bartender answered. “Okay. Let me start another line of questioning. Maybe a little more simplified.” “Shoot.” She burned another match. “Why are you still in Protection?” “Why shouldn’t I be?” “You’re too pretty for this place. Too smart.” “Yeah, smart nulls out the pretty thing. That makes it a less sexist remark. Is that a come on? If you are, all this anger for this Amanda girl was just a front. Next, I’m thinking – you’re just like all the other guys: full of shit.” She smiled. “But if you’re just complimenting me. Thanks.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Protection is my home. It’s the most beautiful place on earth.” “I don’t believe you.” “What’s there not to believe?” She nodded adamantly. “Yep.” Then her eyes broke off and she seemed to stare off at somebody else no one could see. “That’s why I’m still in Protection.” “Now it’s my turn. Can I ask you a personal question, Sky?” He waited. “I guess.” “Why are you running away from – what was her name? Amanda?” He was quick to answer – almost like he was defending himself. “Again, I’m not running away. We’re not together anymore. It just fell apart.” “And the reason was?” “Sometimes there’s not a reason. Sometimes it just happens that way.” “Her ears too big? She didn’t shave her legs as regular as you wanted.” “No, it wasn’t anything like that. Believe me, I’m not that shallow.” “Okay. Surprise me. What was it?” Sky waited to answer. Wondered if he could trust her with the truth. “She stopped talking to me.” Aria laughed. “You’re like a plant, huh?” “Be serious. I felt like I didn’t exist in her world anymore. I began to feel more alone with her than when I was by myself.” “Did you?”

“Do I what?” “Did you feel more alone with her than you did an hour ago when you were sitting at this crappy ol’ bar by yourself?” Sky sighed. “I don’t know.” She became smug. “You are full of shit.” “Thanks.” “Let me ask you a pointed question. Do you know if Amanda loved you?” “Yes. I knew she loved me.” “Any doubts?” Sky pondered for a moment. “No. No doubts.” Aria looked disgusted. “Are you an asshole? And not that assholes know they’re assholes. Not like idiots know their idiots. Idiots and assholes will swear they’re the Aryan nation – the perfect blonde hair, blue eyed people born to rule the world. And God help us if they are the perfect humans. Because personally, I think blondes are dumb as stumps.” “What was the question?” “Forget it. Let me ask you something else. Did you ever sleep with a stuffed animal?” “Yeah. When I was little I had a Snoopy.” “Did you love him?” “Love him? I took him everywhere. I almost died when my parents took him away.” “Snoopy told you a bunch of stories while you two were hanging out. You and Snoopy were tight, right? You two never stopped talking.” “Don’t be stupid.” “How about you? Did you talk to him at all?” “Maybe occasionally. I would say stuff like – let’s do this Snoopy. Let’s do that.” “Why did you love Snoopy then? He didn’t talk to you. Not a real good conversationalist, was he?” “No, but he kept me safe from the boogey man. Snoopy was my protection. And he didn’t have to say it. I knew he loved me.” Aria stared at Sky for a long time. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” “Amanda was Snoopy, asshole. You just threw her away.” Sky’s heart went heavy. “How did your parents take Snoopy away? Do you remember that?” Aria asked. Sky spoke slowly. “One morning they took him while I was sleeping. Said he wasn’t real. Said I needed to be a big boy.” “And you cried?” “Yeah.” They sat at the bar hearing the murmur of the truck drivers and the farmers talking around them. “It’s too bad you don’t know the secret to life.” she said arrogantly. “I think you’re full of crap. You have no idea. God has told you nothing.” “You’re probably one of those people that even doubt God’s existence.” Sky smiled meekly. She read his expression. “You don’t believe in God?” “Show him to me right now.” The door to Don’s Place swung open and the beggar that stood outside the Filling Station stumbled inside. He knelt over and heaved vomit on the floor. Then he wiped at his mouth and went back out. “Son of a bitch!” The bartender yelled and ran after him. “There you go.” Aria said with her emerald eyes beaming. The stench of the vomit drifted to their barstools. Sky wheezed and swung his hand around to push off the smell. “A drunk homeless guy is your proof that God exists.” “You asked for Him to show himself. And isn’t it amazing that coincidentally Jeffries staggered in and puked when you asked for God to appear.”

The bartender returned inside. He carefully stepped over the puddle of yellow throw up, went to the back, and dug out a mop. “So again, let me say – I should believe that a drunk homeless guy is God.” Sky thought for a moment. “And this guy told you the secret to life? What was it? Mad Dog? Vodka tonic?” “Not this particular guy, no. But believe me, God told me.” “I feel the presence of the Lord is in Don’s Place.” Sky teased. Aria became serious. “Don’t mock the Lord thy God.” “I wasn’t.” “Funny thing about humans. You ask for a sign. You get it. Then you laugh it off like it never happened. And you wonder why God doesn’t answer your prayers.” “Don’t forget. You’re part of this human race, too.” Aria grunted. He changed the conversation. “Why don’t they make cars more comfortable to sleep in? I think it’s a racket with the hotel industry. If they made cars more comfortable to sleep in, no one would ever need a motel or hotel. The hotel corporations probably threatened the automobile industry. You make a reclinable driver’s seat slash bed – and we’ll sue you for all that your worth.” The wine was beginning to talk through Sky. His brain was very, very warm. “Where the hell did that come from? “I slept in my car last night.” “How long have you been driving around aimlessly?” Sky ran his fingers through his hair. “I left Friday after work and haven’t been back.” He took a sip of his wine. “I was walking down the sidewalk downtown Dallas. Saw a couple fighting. Actually, I saw the boyfriend – fiancée – or whatever he was. He was pouting. And she was following close behind. `What’s wrong baby? Talk to me. Why won’t you talk to me?’ She was vexed. You know what vexed means?” Sky looked at Aria. “Pissed off.” “Yeah, but also concerned. A cross between both, I think.” He shook away the thought with his hand. “Her boyfriend’s face was all sullen. His lips were all puckered up and tight. He looked straight ahead and walked fast. He never once looked at her. And she was a beautiful girl. Long curly brown hair. Wore hardly any makeup. Dressed real smart. I tried to do the Jedi mind trick. I tried to put the thought in his brain - Look at her. Look at her. She loves you. She loves you. ” Sky went quiet. “What happened?” “I don’t know. They walked on past and went around a corner down another street.” Aria waited for him to explain. But he added nothing else. “This has what to do with you sleeping in your car?” “The guy reminded me of me. How much a little boy I still am. I’m a frightened little boy trapped in an adult body. As I was driving home, I wondered where Amanda was at that exact moment. I wondered if she was thinking about me.” Sky tugged on his ear and put his head up on his arm. “I heard she’s dating this great guy now. I heard she’s happy. But I kept thinking I wanted to see her again. I miss the way she kisses. The way her skin smells. When she’s bored, she rolls the curls in her hair with her finger. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted to cry in her arms.” Sky sat there for a couple of seconds. “But I don’t want to bring the pain back to her. She’s healed now. I’m the one who’s not. I shouldn’t break open her scab just because my cut is all infected and full of pus.” “Great analogy.” Aria smiled. “So to protect her, I ran. I figured if she still loves me, she will search for me one day.” Then added quietly, “Keep calling my name until I come out from where I’m hiding.” “What did you do to her? Why are you stockpiling all this guilt?” she inquired tenderly. Sky didn’t answer. “Sky?” He began again. “So I had this dream last night while I was sleeping on the side of the road. Amanda was in it. Everything seemed like the right place at the right time. Have you ever had one of those dreams? A dream where you are at perfect peace. It’s like a place where you can’t remember your past. You can’t remember how many mistakes you’ve made. And I just did it.”

“Did what?” “I told her I was sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I loved her.” “I think you worshipped her in your heart too much. And that’s not good. Your soul can only worship one thing at a time.” “The real meat of the dream – the part I can see in my mind right now – is reaching out to hug her. And she hugged me back. And I knew she still loved me – was worried sick about me even though I was such a bastard. And I cried. Because I didn’t deserve her. And then I realized maybe that’s why things fell apart. Demons don’t deserve angels. I woke up crying.” “Maybe it will be like that.” Aria stopped and continued with a different tone of voice. “But maybe it won’t. This ain’t no movie, sweetie.” She paused. ”You got a jock strap?” He was confused. “Why?” “Put it on before you talk to her. A knee to the crotch is always sweet revenge. I’m the teacher here. Breakup and get back together 101. Gone are the days of slaps and loud words.” Aria laughed. “Is this a regular thing for you? Trying to destroy the people who love you?” “Destroy is a little strong.” “Wouldn’t you say leaving the person that loves you is a little on the strong side?” “I don’t know.” “Have you ever dated a red head before?” “No. ” Aria smiled smugly. “You can’t break a red headed woman’s spirit. They break yours.” Sky remained silent. “She’s strong. She’s harder now than she’s ever been – thanks to you. That’s good and that’s bad. She’ll be more careful in the future. Which means – hopefully – she’ll be a lot more reluctant to let someone into her heart. Again good and bad. But believe me – she’ll move on.” Aria looked at Sky. His eyes were focused down on the counter of the bar. “I think you need to repair yourself. Your self-esteem sucks.” “Thanks.” “Call her.” Aria said quickly. “Don’t wait. Call her now. If you need closure. If you need to heal. Call her right now.” His stomach began to fill with acid. “It makes me sick to think about it. I can’t.” “Just let her know where you’re at. Let her know you’re remorseful.” “And what good will that do? Wipe everything away?” Aria looked at him. Finally, she shook her head. “No.” He could feel his hands shaking. He put them down on his thighs to steady them. “I’m not at the right place right now. My head isn’t right. My soul isn’t right. I might say I’m sorry but still want her back. I might want to hurt her again.” “Bullshit. You will never be in the right. You were wrong when it happened.” Sky shook his head slowly. “I can’t call her.” “Why the hell not?” “It’s been too long.” “Too long for what?” “I don’t know. I can’t call her. When and if I do apologize, I’ll do it face to face.” “Years from now after she runs around and finds your hiding place and pulls you out.” “You don’t know everything. You can’t make any judgements. You don’t even know me. You don’t know her. You know nothing.” “Except the secret to life.” “Yeah, except that.” Sky pushed his empty wine glass up for the bartender to take.

the Protection motel “You staying at the Protection motel?” “Yeah. Why?” “I think you need some sleep. You need to get off this wine.” “Good idea.” Sky raised his hand. “Bartender, your best draft please.” The bartender was done with mopping up the vomit and had returned behind the bar. “Sure thing.” The door to Don’s Place opened again and a truck driver with a Shit Happens baseball cap entered. He bellowed out, “Jensky, you might want to put the weather scanner on. I heard there’s some rough weather coming. They reported a couple of tornadoes below Dodge City.” Jensky, the bartender, nodded. He turned behind him and flipped on a small radio. A monotone radio voice began, “…counties are under a tornado watch. Warnings are issued for the following counties…Clark… Comanche…” “I think I need to beat it.” Aria said. Sky put his hand on hers. “Don’t go.” “Oh. Now you sound a little co-dependent.” “Thanks.” he said to the bartender as the bartender placed a mug of Samuel Adams in front of him. “No. It’s just that I think of conversation as a dance. And you just don’t let the dance die – you have to lead it where it goes. Finish it to the last chord is played. I’ll finish this and we’ll walk out together.” “You don’t drink a lot, do you?” “Why?” “You already seem drunk.” “No. I don’t drink a lot. Actually, this is probably the most I’ve ever had. Usually, I have one glass of wine and I’m done. But tonight, I’m trying to get to the place my dream took me.” “You won’t get there.” “I know I won’t find it indefinitely. But the buzz is deceptive. It feels good for the time being.” He took a long swallow. Suddenly, the power flickered. Everyone looked around at each other. “That ain’t good.” Aria announced. She pushed her hair back with her hand. “Hurry up with that, okay?” “Sure.” He took another long gulp not stopping for air. He gasped and began again. He threw the empty mug smeared with beer lather down on the bar. “Okay. We can go.” He reached into his back pocket and unsteadily pulled out his wallet. He left twenty-five dollars. “Did you drink that much?” Sky smiled foolishly. “I guess. Anyway, I think,” he let out a little burp and covered his mouth at the end. “Jensky deserves it. It’s a tip.” Sky stood up but sat back down. “Are you okay?” Sky shook his head. “I don’t think I can walk.” “Come here.” And Aria put his arm around her shoulder and lugged him up and out the door. The two stood uneasily outside as the wind pushed and pulled. The gusts were strong. The sky flashed white and the street lights went out on Broadway. Then they came back on with a gentle glow. “Definitely a tornado.” Aria stated struggling to stand and hold Sky. Sky took his free hand and clutched her breast. “What the hell are you doing? Look you little piece of shit -” His hand dropped like a dead weight to his side. “I just want a hug.” “Well, for a hug, your hand is supposed to be around my back. Not on my tit.” She shuffled him forward inching out into the road. Thunder barked and the wind swirled around them. “Hey, I’ve got a novel idea.” she struggled out. “Why won’t you save up like a bank – put all your little hugs and kisses into an account – go back to Dallas – and make a hefty withdrawal. Then give it to Amanda. “

It was tough to say the words and his lips felt heavy. “I can’t go back. I’ve hurt her too bad.” “And groping my breast will make everything okay?” “No. I don’t want you. That was an accident.” He paused and looked at her in the sexiest look he could muster. “Unless you liked it.” “I’m about to drop you.” He shook his head profusely. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just want freedom. I feel like my heart is in chains.” “You want freedom? You’re in the wrong place. Freedom, Oklahoma is fifty miles south. Personally, I think you need Coldwater. Coldwater, Kansas is twelve miles that way.” And she pointed. A high pitched siren screeched out. Sky glanced over at the stop sign on the corner in front of the Protection motel and saw it shake violently. “What the hell is going on?” “That’s the tornado siren. What’s your room number? We have to get inside.” Sky shook his head trying to think. “Four I think. Maybe it’s twenty-one.” “There’s only fourteen rooms, Sky. You need to think. We’ve got a freakin’ tornado coming this way.” She dragged him across the Protection motel parking lot. The siren hurt his ears. The wind became furious. Sky shoved his free hand in his pocket. “My room key is in one of my pockets.” The pocket was empty. “My key is in my other pocket. You’ll have to get it.” “To hell with that. You get it yourself.” She let go of him and he slumped to the ground. “Get the damn key, Sky.” Sky pushed his hand in the remaining pocket and pulled it out. He held it up above him. “Here it is.” “Get up!” Aria yelled. She knew the tornado was close. She grabbed the key, saw it was room number seven, put it in her mouth, and used both hands to yank him up. Again, she took his arm and propped him up on her shoulder. They moved down the walkway counting the room numbers. “I think I hear a train,” Sky said suddenly. Aria practically broke down the door as she tried to shove the key in the lock. The door flung open. “We need to get to the bathroom.” “Yeah. I have to piss like a Russian race horse.” She flipped on the lights, left the room door wide open, moved to the bathroom, and dropped him. Aria jumped on the bed and struggled with the lock on the window. Finally, it gave and she tossed the window up. She returned to the bathroom and saw Sky on his knees struggling to get his button fly down. “You’re going to have to stand up and pee. Hell, you’re worse than my second grade students.” “What’s up with Russian race horses?” he said struggling to stand. “Do they have a genetic disorder where their bladders are smaller than most normal horses?” Aria clambered into the tub and spun the crank to open the bathroom window. “What’s up with witches tits?’ “Huh?” “Why do they say it’s colder than a witches’ tit in a brass bra? Hell, who would wear a brass bra? If underwire hurts like hell – just think of brass.” She rushed out of the bathroom. “That train is getting closer.” Sky said. Aria could hear it too. The roar was beginning to drown out the tornado siren. Faintly she heard the high tinkling of water into the toilet. She yanked the bedspread off the bed. As she turned, the power went off including the street lamps outside. The wind howled and she could feel the air sweeping through the motel room. Sky stood in the dark swaying back and forth – now a strong pinging of water into the toilet. The wind slammed the room door shut. The bathroom door was moving on its own – swaying open – swaying closed. Aria gripped it with her hand and kicked the doorstop down. Aria returned to the bathroom trying not to look in Sky’s direction – but she glanced once - just for the hell of it - but he was already finished and buttoning up. He stood there swaying.

She was crouched inside the tub. “Get in.” She reached out and tugged him backward. He toppled over and his legs stuck out over the sides. “This is intimate.” Sky mumbled. Aria tried to catch her breath. Her heart was beating a thousand times a minute. “Keep your head down, okay?” The wind began to tug at Aria’s strawberry bangs. She heard the furniture outside the bathroom slowly scrape against the floor as the wind snatched at it. The roaring increased. “I thought you were Stephen.” She said finally to subdue her panic. “Stephen?” “Stephen is my fiancée. I stopped the school bus because I thought you were Stephen. That’s why I’m still in Protection.” The curtains jangled on the curtain rod. They flew out perpendicular to the wall and then would fall back against it. Flail out and collapse. She pulled the bedspread around her and helped to cover Sky. She inched closer to him. “Stephen was just passing through. Met him at the Filling Station. I was working as a waitress. Just graduated high school. He ordered a hamburger very rare - I’ll never forget. We talked about his older sister. She was getting married and he wondered if he would ever find the `one’. I told him to order a bride – one of those Asian girls who wanted to come to America. I made him laugh. He said Asian women didn’t turn him on. His eyes seemed to close when he laughed – even when he smiled. He was so cute.” She smiled at the thought. “He waited until I got off work and I took him to Kiowa Creek. We talked and talked until 2 or 3 in the morning.” She continued her smug grin looking back in her memories. “But I refused to kiss him.” The snarling wind began to diminish into sudden big gusts. Aria continued. “He came into town every two or three weeks to check on me. To see me. To talk. Sometimes it was my only reason for living. Waiting for him to come into town so I could see him. And it was always a surprise. Most of the time, he just showed up. Like he didn’t really exist. Like he was some kind of angel that showed up only when I felt lonely.” Sky seemed to gain some composure. “Where was he from?” “Topeka. He worked with the state – something to do with the department of agriculture. I don’t know exactly.” She breathed in deeply. “I loved him. He knew it.” “So what happened?” “I was trying to commute back and forth between here and Dodge City going to a community college and get my degree. Didn’t want to leave Protection because of him. He always came through. Said he never went to Dodge City. Sometimes we would miss each other. And he said it drove him nuts when he missed me. Finally, he said he couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to get married. I said yes. And he left because he had to finish up the project he was working on but said he would be back in about two weeks. Said he would call me everyday. Said we would work everything out – move me to Topeka and we could start our life there.” She grew quiet. Sky waited but she said nothing. “What happened?” She spoke slowly. “He never came back.” “Maybe something happened. Maybe he had a car accident.” Sky could see her eyes sparkling from tears. “I checked all the nearby hospitals.” “Did you call him?” “Number disconnected. Called one hundred Stephen Crozier’s in Kansas – in Oklahoma – and in Texas. I can tell his voice. None of them were him.” “Maybe he was already married. Had another name.” “You’re a damn sonuvabitch.” She said angrily. “Look sorry. Just coming at it from all angles.” “He’s coming back for me. I’m not leaving until he comes back for me.” Sky ran his hands through his hair and adjusted himself in the bathtub. It was raining outside now. The wind was gentler now – simply blowing out small puffs. The train was gone. “You’re too good for this town, Aria. Don’t waste your life away waiting for this guy. Apparently he wasn’t what he said he was. There’s a lot of fish in the sea.”

“It’s easy for you to say. You runaway. You don’t even try. You hope love chases you down. But it doesn’t work like that. It’s about sacrifice. It’s about patience. Do you have patience Sky? Would you wait fifty years for one kiss? Would you wait your whole lifetime for one touch? Hell no! Someone cares for you and you piss on them and run. You think it’s all funny.” “What the hell are you talking about? You don’t see me laughing. You don’t know me. You have no clue what I want or what I love. Maybe I’m just ignorant. Maybe I don’t’ know any better. Maybe I’m trying. Have you ever thought that maybe that’s why I’m here? Maybe I don’t know how to love? Have you ever thought about that?” Sky struggled to get up. “You’re a bitch, Aria.” “You’re the bitch. All this anger and bitterness you have – you deserve. This is your karma. It’s coming back to you. Do you realize those women that give you their heart – that trust it with you – have dreams – have hopes – believe in you. Do you even care?” “Screw you. Get out of my room.” Sky walked out of the bathroom without looking back. Aria stood up and watched him quietly. The power came back on. Sky went to close the window because the rain was blowing in on his bed. He could still feel the wine in his blood. He felt numb as he walked. Sky turned around and saw Aria staring at him vacantly. “Death is a black wall, Sky. And it just waits. But living is a single line – regardless if we believe that or not. A single line – with thousands of possible directions – but when we make our decisions they come together to make one line. And we follow it like those toys where you draw with the crayon on the white piece of paper – and the battery operated dog follows the line – blindly – just because you drew it. Choose your line, Sky. Choose your life. Because the black wall waits and you never know when or where it is.” Sky staggered as he whirled to the door to open it and show her the way out. “Did you hear me? Get out of my room.” “I think it’s time I tell you the secret to life,” she said unmoved. It took him a second to understand what she had said. He suddenly stopped. “I thought you made a promise to God that you wouldn’t tell anyone?” He looked at her. “Well, actually, the stipulation was, find the one person you can tell. And be relieved of your duty. So I’m passing it on to you.” “I’m honored,” he said sarcastically. “You should be.” Aria said. She motioned him forward with her finger. “Come here.” “What?” “Come here.” She pointed to the floor in front of her. Sky went to her and rested his shoulder against the bathroom entrance. “The secret to life?” Sky nodded. “Yes?” “What do you think I’m about to say?” “Come on. Don’t do this to me. I’m dying here.” “No. I want to know what you think the secret to life is.” Sky grunted. “E equals MC squared?” “No. Don’t be stupid. If it was that difficult, no one would be happy.” “So stop pulling my chain. What is it?” “Sky, you already know it. It’s why you’re running.” “What in the hell is it?” “Love. The secret to life is love.” “Love? That’s it? That’s what the wino – I mean God – told you.” “What in the hell do you mean – that’s it? Love? If you had surrendered to love, you wouldn’t be here right now. I love and that’s why I‘m here. I can’t leave Protection. Steven is coming back for me. He loves me. He told me. He won’t let me die here alone.” “But if he doesn’t?” She clenched her fists. “You’re a bastard, Sky.” Her eyes glazed suddenly with tears. “It’s not an option.” “No. Everything’s an option. What if he doesn’t?” “Then everything I told you is a lie. And the whole world is damned.”

Finally, exhaustion hit Sky. He stumbled to the bed and sat down. He closed his eyes and fell backward against the mattress. “I’m sorry, Aria. I’ve had a very long day. I drank too much. I’m pooped and I’m taking it on you.” Aria pulled the bedspread out of the tub and stood laying it gingerly across him. “I think you should go back to Dallas. Go back to Amanda. Ask her to forgive you.” He opened his eyes for a second saw her standing over him. “You want to know what I think love is?” She looked down on him so helpless. Saw Stephen and wanted to kiss him. “What? What do you think love is?” “Love is like shoelaces. You tie them together. They come apart. You double-knot them and they’re too tight. Then you pull them apart. But then what happens? You tie them right back as a double knot. Finally, sometime, one of the shoelaces breaks. Then you’re forced to yank them out, but they’re tightly woven in and out of the holes holding the tongue of your shoe down. Then when you finally get to the end – you find that actually it wasn’t two shoestrings. It was just one.” Aria grinned. “Goodnight, Sky.” Sky opened his eyes again. “You protected me. You could have left me at the bar.” Sky yawned. “I guess I could have.” Aria smiled to herself. “Did God send you?” Sky asked her blinking back the sleep. “No, Amanda did. I’m answering her prayers.” Sky laughed gently. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not going back to Dallas.” he stated adamantly. “I don’t care what you do. You have your own free will. Do what you have to do.” “I will.” They went quiet. She saw Sky’s eyes fighting to stay open. “Well, I’ ve got to go. It was nice meeting you.” Sky struggled his eyes open. “Thanks for everything.” “You’re welcome.” She almost leaned over to kiss him on the forehead but reached out her hand to shake instead. His eyes were shut and he was breathing deeply as if he was already asleep. She sighed, brought the bedspread up under his chin, and showed herself out. Sky dreamt he was walking towards The Last Stop garage when he saw a small gathering of children and parents on the corner. “Hey look - it’s Mr. Killer!” one of the kids yelled as he came near. The mothers gave anxious glances. He kept moving. “You kids going swimming?” Several of them responded, “Yep.” “But Miss Aria is late.” one added. “Late?” Sky stopped. “Yeah, I guess we’ve been here for about half an hour or so.” One of the mothers irritably replied. “This isn’t like Aria at all. She’s always early.” “Have you called her?” “Yes. But there’s no answer.” “The bus is over there,” one of the kids responded. Sky turned and saw the small Blue Bird school bus beside the payphones in The Last Stop parking lot. He walked over. The door was open so he climbed the steps. Laying on the driver’s seat was a neatly folded piece of paper. He opened it and there were three words scribbled in ink: Love never fails. Sky felt nauseous and woke up mid-afternoon with a massive headache. The taste in his mouth was more than he could stand. He got up a little too quickly and felt dizzy. The beige painted walls made him think: puke. The soft gray carpet made him think: puke. He put his hand over his mouth and hurried to the bathroom. The acid was already in his throat when he began to kneel down in front of the toilet.

North Broadway The sun was brighter than he remembered as he walked to The Last Stop garage. The heat was suffocating. Debris was strewn across Broadway and on the sidewalk. The downtown store owners were sweeping and cleaning up. A couple of the downtown signs were twisted. The roof had come off in places on the feed and seed store. No kids and their parents gathered on the corner. “Good afternoon, Mr. Parker.” Jessie announced when the door opened and the bell tingled hanging on a string above. “Hell of a storm last night, wasn’t it?” The words seemed to scream at Sky. He flinched. Wanted to grab his ears and shield them. “Sure was. Is it afternoon already?” “Are you okay? You look a little pale.” “Believe me, I’ve felt a lot better.” He sighed. “How’s my car?” “Damnedest thing about that car of yours…” Jessie started. Sky tensed up. What was wrong now? Maybe the garage collapsed. Maybe I’m stuck in this god awful town. “Ain’t a damn thing wrong with it. Just needed some fluid in the radiator.” “What? That was it? Could that make a car die like that?” “I guess so. Yours did.” Sky reached for his wallet. “How much do I owe you?” Jessie squinted figuring it up in his head. “That’ll be fifty dollars for the towing. Ten for the look see and the radiator fluid.” He tapped his finger against his head then finally answered, “Let’s just say fifty dollars and call it even.” “Fifty dollars? That’s all. Are you sure?” Jessie thought a moment but then wondered why he was thinking about it. “Yeah, I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” “I was expecting more.” Did I just say that outloud? He opened up his wallet and counted out seventy-five dollars. “Then take this. Keep twenty-five for a tip.” “Why?” “I don’t know. Just do it.” Jessie took the fifty and clanged the cash register open. He left the extra twenty-five on the counter. “Please take back that twenty five, Mr. Parker.” “No. I won’t. Take it.” “I’ll take it if you’ll fill your car up with gas.” “I was going to anyway. Besides, how are you going to stay in business if you don’t charge anything.” “Honesty and modesty keeps us in business. People drive from miles around.” “Tell Charlie thanks for dinner last night.” “He went to pick up a broken down car in-between here and Coldwater. He’ll be back in about an hour if you want to hang around.” Sky smiled. “Wish I could but I have to split.” “Glad to have you visit us. Come back and see us.” “Thanks.” Sky began to turn around. “Hey, can I ask another favor from you?” “Shoot.” “Do you know that red headed woman that picks up the kids in the town and takes them swimming out at Kiowa Creek?” Jessie looked bewildered. “Excuse me?” “Her name is Aria. “ “No one picks up the kids to go swimming here in Protection. ” Sky laughed out loud. “Yes, they do. Or I wouldn’t have gotten here.” “I’m sorry I can’t help you.” “Aria? The woman who drove the school bus yesterday. She dropped me off here. I went to Don’s Place with her last night. Real pretty woman. Red hair.” “I think you had a few too many drinks last night.” “You’re full of shit, Jessie. Don’t play games with me.”

Jessie frowned and he became serious. “Look, I’m not shittin’ you.” Sky’s stomach twisted into knots. “Are you sure?” “Protection is a small town, Mr. Parker. I would know.” Jessie words came out very short and blunt. “That’s impossible.” Sky stepped backwards. “Wait a minute. I’ll prove it. One of the kids on the bus was the deputy sheriff’s son. His name was Pete.” He shook his head. “No, Randy. Randy was his name.” Jessie became very direct. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do. I don’t know what kind of scam you’re running. But the deputy sheriff, Roy, his son, Randy, died about two years ago. Ran out in front of a car.” Jessie looked away and took in a breath. His face began to turn red. “You’re beginning to piss me off, Mr. Parker. I think you need to leave.” He finished by speaking very slowly, “Just get your gas and leave.” Sky spun around and rushed out with the doorbell tingling. “Excuse me mister.” Sky said in Don’s Place. It was empty except for the bartender who was replacing the whiskey bottles. He turned. “Man, you’re back already. I thought you had enough last night.” “No, I don’t want a drink.” He got to the point. “Do you remember seeing me talking to anybody last night?” “Of course.” Sky let out a big sigh. “Good. I was afraid I was going crazy.” “Me. I took your order.” The bartender grinned. Sky shook his head violently. “No. No. That’s not what I mean. Was I talking to anybody else? What about a real pretty, strawberry blonde? Wore a green shirt that showed off her belly button. Kind of bull headed. Always said she knew the secret to life but never told anybody.” “Excuse me?” The bartender looked bothered. “You’re not smoking dope are you, mister?” Sky felt panicky. “I don’t think so.” “Well if you are, I think it’s time you mosey on up the road. Go on up to Coldwater. They’re a lot of druggies up that way.” “Excuse me, ma’m.” Sky said after entering the Filling Station. Miss Janice looked up from the cash register. “Oh hi. How are you doing? You were Charlie’s friend.” “Yes ma’m.” Sky swallowed hard. “I have to ask you something if you don’t mind.” “I don’t mind as long as it’s not embarrassing.” She laughed a congested laugh and finally coughed. “How long have you been working here?” Miss Janice smiled – her teeth still yellow. “Most of my life.” “Do you remember someone who worked here by the name of Aria?” Miss Janice’s face seemed to go sullen. She became silent and searched Sky’s eyes. Finally, she nodded. “Yes I do.” Sky’s face brightened. “You do?” “She worked here a long time ago.” Sky nodded. “That’s right. She worked here a long time ago.” “She fell in love here – if I remember. A guy who was passing through. I think his name was Devin.” “No, his name was Stephen.” Miss Janice’s eyes became condemning. “Are you Stephen?” “No, ma’m. But I’m told I look a lot like him.” Miss Janice eyes moved off and stared at something in the past. “Yes, Stephen. She was a beautiful girl. Worked hard. Was very smart. She worked here on the weekends while she went to college.” “She became a second grade school teacher.” Miss Janice shook her head. “I don’t think she finished.”

“Yes, she did. She told me last night. She finished and she teaches here in Protection.” Miss Janice gave Sky a perverse look and walked away. “Excuse me, ma’m?” Sky called after her. “Ma’m? Did I say something wrong?” “What’s wrong with you? Why are you saying these things?” “I don’t understand.” “You said you talked to her last night?” He nodded. “Yes, ma’m.” Miss Janice looked up to heaven and said, “Forgive me, Jesus.” Then she glared at Sky. “You’re a damn fool.” Sky was shocked. “I’m sorry?” He gathered up his nerve again. “I’m not trying to be rude or anything. I’m not lying. I did see her. We talked last night. She even saved me from that tornado.” Finally, the words came out, “Aria is dead.” He went blank. “What?” Miss Janice nodded profusely. “She waited on that damn fool Devin – or Stephen – or whatever his name was. Found out one day he was married. So she killed herself. Shot herself in the head.”

Looking back, my father frightened me the most.

Especially when he left work early to help my mom search. He was an ogre who crushed the woods and his words were filled with contempt and anger – as if he was yelling – how dare you run from us! How dare you run from how much we love you! Then he treated the woods as if they had kidnapped me. He broke branches. He yanked up boards and rocks and threw them. His pleading for me were commands – he owned the woods – they were at his authority. And it always happened that when my father took up the search, Sara would fall away – always retreating to her house. Usually, she would say “hello” to my dad and very quickly scurry off. “Hello, Mr. Parker.” Sara said meekly. “Hello Sara.” “I looked all over the woods and couldn’t find him.” She reported. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome.” She said very politely. I watched her until she disappeared in front of the garage and then saw her reappear on the hill next to her house. My dad then stormed into the trees. “Sky? Where are you?” Eight. He searched madly. He checked the same places Sara had – the tree house. The greenhouse. He disappeared beside me into the brush throwing his hands this way and that, thrusting aside branches, and snatching vines. The fear rose in me as he got closer and closer, but I recoiled to the ground hoping it would swallow me. Then an unusual thing happened. In mid search, my father just stopped. He looked into the sky – said something silently to God. Then he quietly walked back to the house. “Did you see him Steve?” my mom called out. “No.” He took in a big breath. “He’ll come home when it gets dark. No need to worry.” “Why does he do this?” I saw my father shrug his shoulders. “I dunno.” He sidled up to my mother and put his big arm around her waist and kissed her. “I love you,” he said. “I love you too.” she affirmed. And they held each other looking up in my direction. In the woods’ direction. I felt alone. Before, I hadn’t. Maybe because I knew the woods were full of people trying to find me. They had given up and now waited. Watching for a sign – from me. I was still scared to stand up. I wanted to do my usual shuffle around to keep my hiding place. Keep it secret because it was my protection. But I saw my parents standing on the back porch and their love called out to me. They heard my crying first. And on wobbly legs, I stood. And suddenly, I was exposed. The tears were hot running down my face and I cried out, “Mom! Dad!” And they both came to where I was hiding. I couldn’t move. My dad plucked me out of the honeysuckle and clutched me to him tightly. My mom kissed the back of my head. “Never do that again.” My dad scolded me. I just cried and held onto him. Suddenly I felt safe. I was no longer ashamed and no longer afraid. Mom cooked my favorite meal that night. Squared potatoes and hamburgers. We rented movies, and we ate microwave popcorn. At bedtime, they tucked me into bed together and gave me back Snoopy. I held him like he was my soul. “We didn’t mean to take him away. We just thought it was the right time.” I nodded but at that moment, nothing else mattered. Snoopy and I were back together. That was the last night Snoopy and I slept together. I got up early the next morning and gave him back. It was time to be a big boy. It was time for me to let go. Sara was jumping on her trampoline when I went outside to play. She quickly leaped off and scurried over to me. “Hey! Why did you run away yesterday?” she asked brushing away her sweaty bangs. I looked away. “None of your business.” “Don’t do that again.” “Why?” I said gruffly. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “I missed you.”

US Route 283 Sky drove as fast as he could. Away from Protection. Away from Dallas. His head was throbbing from the drinks last night – from the thoughts in his brain – from the hot summer sun beating down on him. The signs on US Route 283 for Dodge City were coming more in succession now. He just wanted to get away from this whole damn area. “I’m not going to Dallas,” he mumbled. “I’m not going to Dallas.” He fidgeted with the steering wheel. “Did you hear me? I’m not going back to Dallas!” What had he done all night? If Aria wasn’t real, what was she? An angel? A ghost? She cussed. She hung out with him in the bar. He had accidentally grabbed her breast. He felt her breath on his face as he had talked to her in the bathtub. Felt her skin when he grabbed her hand so she wouldn’t leave him at the bar alone. But she really wasn’t going to go, was she? What had she said? “Go to Dallas… Beg Amanda for forgiveness… The secret to life is love… Death is a black wall and you never know when or where it sits…” He remembered the stink of the burned rubber when Aria had hit the brakes on the bus. Inside the Blue Bird had a smell to it. He sat in the ugly vinyl seats and talked to the kids. The kids had talked back. Were they from Heaven or hell? No, it was impossible. This was some horrible joke the townsfolk had played to run him off. They had gotten together early that morning and put this together. Maybe Aria was in on it. Maybe while he was drunk, he had pissed somebody off. Maybe he had angered Charlie the night before being ungrateful for the chicken finger dinner. Maybe Aria had felt violated. He felt sick again. Sky yanked the steering wheel over to the shoulder, leaving his car running, and leaped out. His third time pulling over. He bent over and gagged because he didn’t have anything in his stomach to vomit. His stomach squeezed together in spasms. Finally, his insides calmed but his knees were very weak. He stood up slowly and wiped the spittle off his face with his hand. He heard a loud motor in front of him. He looked up and a green John Deere tractor rolled forward heading in his direction. Finally the farmer driving stopped, turned off the engine, and dismounted. He wobbled when he landed on the ground. Sky felt his stomach contract again. He heaved. “Are you alright boy?” a gruff voice asked. Sky slinked his head up and saw an old man with balding gray hair – his cap in his hand as he scratched the top of his scalp. He stood behind a misshapen barbwire fence. “Yeah – I think so.” “Saw you tear off the road. Thought you were having a heart attack or something. Came over to see if you were okay.” Sky wiped off his mouth again just to make sure no spit was hanging off his chin. “Yeah. I’m okay. Something I ate.” The old man situated his cap on his head and looked on the ground. “Nothing came out.” “I think this is my second or third time stopping.” He patted his stomach. “Nothing left inside.” “Do you need me to call the police or the ambulance or anything?” Sky shook his head. “No sir.” He studied the deep lines on the man’s forehead and the crinkles of crowsfeet around his dark eyes. His face shined scarlet with sunburn. “You sure son?” “I promise.” The old man wiped at his sweaty forehead with his hand. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. White as a sheep. Got a water bottle hanging on my tractor. Want some?” “No. Thanks.” Sky was frantic to talk to someone about what was going on. The thoughts were tired of swimming in circles in his brain. They were pushing outward. “Okay then. I’ll let you be.” The old man began to turn away. “Have you ever had anything happen to you that you couldn’t believe? Or that you wouldn’t believe?” Sky blurted out.

The old man seemed surprised by the question. He turned and looked at Sky and smiled a big smile. “Yep.” “What was it – if you don’t mind me asking?” “Don’t mind at all. It was my son. When my wife gave birth to my son.” His grin grew wider. “Called him Robbie Junior. Couldn’t believe it. I just stood there in the emergency room holding this little bitsy person like he wasn’t real. Like I was in some dream. I was so afraid I would wake up and he would be gone.” Sky beamed with him. “But you never woke up, did you?” The man’s face changed. “Yeah I woke up. Thirty years later. Things change son.” The old man paused. “I have a couple hundred acres of farmland out here. I grow barley, wheat, and corn and raise cattle. But if you keep going south from here – past Texas – past Mexico – way past the equator. There’s another farmer down there. Raising his own crops and llamas – or whatever kind of animals they raise down there. And it’s that same damn farmer and his crops who killed my boy.” His face twisted with anger but quickly it went blank when he cleaned away the sweat with his hand. “Good luck son.” He turned and lurched his way back to his tractor. “Can I take you up on that water, sir?” The old man didn’t turn back around but motioned with his hand. “Come on. Just don’t give me what you got.” Sky carefully crossed over the barbwire and hurried beside the old farmer. “I’m sorry to hear about your boy.” “He’s not dead. Just a zombie.” He rubbed his chin. “Living on the streets in Arizona.” They covered the remaining distance to the tractor in silence. The old man feebly climbed into the cab of the John Deere and threw down a thermos. Sky unscrewed the top and poured into the plastic top. The ice was just beginning to melt and it was cool against his throat. He gulped down two cups before re-screwing the cap and handing up to the old farmer. “Thank you.” The old man was lost in his thoughts and took the Thermos back blankly. “You might see Robbie out there but you won’t ever know it. Because you never knew him. Maybe I never knew him.” He paused. “Every morning I wake up wanting to leave this damn farm so I can go look for him. But that means I would have to have hope. I don’t think I have any more hope. You might as well be dead when you have no more hope.” He wiped his face again. “But damned if his momma don’t. She has enough hope for the both of us. She prays every night for his soul.” “You think God hears her?” “Personally?” Sky nodded. “Yeah. But it won’t be me to find him. My days are numbered. I know I won’t live long enough to see him again.” “What if I see him – what do you want me to say?” The old man’s eyes became glassy and he laughed at the question. “If you see him? Tell him that mistakes happen. Who gives a damn about mistakes? Come home. Come home so we can love him.” The old man wiped at his eyes and waved his hand goodbye. “Sorry to bother you with my problems son. Hope you start feeling better.” The old man turned the ignition on his tractor and it rumbled to life. Sky stepped back. The Jetta sat humming on the side of the road with its turn signal clicking and blinking. He looked back out across the field seeing the tractor start to grow smaller. He sat down in the driver’s seat and took in a breath. “You love bets don’t you God?” he said, “I hope you know what you’re doing God. I hope earth isn’t some living soap opera to keep you entertained.” The tractor engine noise stopped. Sky’s eyes returned to the tractor but it was gone. A chill went up his spine. Suddenly, it was all very familiar. The old man. The tractor. He heard Aria’s voice say on her Blue Bird bus: “Hello, Mr. Stevenson.” The old man on the tractor waved back. And Sky returned to his dream and re-read the folded piece of paper: Love never fails. The flood of tears came suddenly, and he shoved his black car into drive and mashed on the gas. The Jetta made a U-turn. Toward Protection. Toward Dallas.