Issuu

Written by 傑森龍 GS Jackson Taken from soulparking.com/blogs/2010/02/1

Inverse (Taipei, Taiwan) I was on one of the sidewalks of Taipei, Taiwan pacing with my Blackberry sweating against my ear and Eve being silent. “Just tell me you want me,” I said. “That’s all I want. I feel I am putting myself out there and you don’t care.” I waited for her to speak up. She did not. “You are just giving me one big fuck you.” And just then a business woman walking past me quickly twirled her head in my direction and frowned. Again, Eve was quiet. “So you are not going to say anything? Just tell me you love me. That’s all I need. And I can wait. I just need you to tell me you want me. Or you want me to wait. You want me in your life.” And she said it meekly, “I do love you.’ “Are you saying that because you feel compelled? Or are you saying that because you really believe it? Or am I forcing you?” She was reluctant about answering. ‘No. I say it because I mean it.” “Okay. So what do you want me to do? Where do you want to go? We I can move to London. I can move to Melbourne. We can move anywhere in the world – Europe, United States, Australia. Just say the word and we will make it happen.” Eve took her time to answer, “If I go to Perth,Australia it’s because my girlfriend loves her boyfriend and she wants to be where he is.” “How does she know him?” “They talk every day over webcam.” “And you? How about you?! You won’t even spend more than four days straight with me. And here is your friend – she only knows this guy over webcam. And she is willing to give up her life – move to Perth! What the hell is in Perth?” My voice was too loud because the people standing at the bus stop were trying to stand away from me and scowling. “So you would rather live in Perth than spend the rest of your life anywhere in the world with me?” Eve’s answer came slow. “No. It’s just…”

“It’s just what? You love me or you don’t love me? You want me in your life or you don’t want me in your life?” “I just don’t want you to end your life in Hong Kong. Your comedy is taking off. You have so many friends. I don’t want you to give that up for me.” “What? Are you serious? But I will give it all up.” “But I don’t want you to.” “I don’t care.” “I love you. But…” “But Shiva doesn’t approve?” And I was yelling. “I, I, I don’t know.” “Fuck Shiva. You can tell him that too. Fuck him.” Eve remained silent. “Fight for us. Because I can’t keep fighting alone.” She said nothing. “You have nothing to say?” Again quiet. “Then fuck you.” And I hung up. I walked in circles for five minutes. And then suddenly I was flooded with guilt. I hated what I had said. I almost called back but I didn’t. Instead I went back to the cubicle I was occupying on the fifth floor. I stared at my computer for a couple of minutes and suddenly an email popped up from her. It read: “You should never say ‘fuck you’ to a woman. It means you don’t respect her. Means you never really loved her.” And it ended. And there I was a grown man in a business suit and tie swallowing my own shame. I walked back quickly to the elevator and went down to the lobby. I dialed her quickly. She answered right away.

I went first, “I am sorry. The words that are coming out of my mouth are the inverse of what I mean to say.” “But it’s the words that are coming out are what I hear.” I took in a deep breath. “I am truly sorry. I am just so…” “Frustrated with me?” “I guess so. I guess I have been waiting for so long and now we are so close.” She was quiet. And then she said slowly, “But so far.” I stood there and it was like time stopped. I saw the five o’clock traffic amassed with mopeds, motorcycles of Taipei and the business men and women packing the sidewalks in a rush to get to their trains, their buses – ultimately home. And that’s what I wanted. I wanted my home. And she was on the other end of the phone. That’s when a sad truth crept in my brain: to let her go would mean I loved her more. I asked myself, “Do I want her to love me, or do I want her happy?” And the answer was simple: I want her happy.