Written by 傑森龍 GS Jackson Taken from soulparking.com/blogs/2010/02/2
Perverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia) “There is something wrong with her.” Daisy said matter-of-factly. I was quiet. “You have to admit that,” she prompted me over the phone. I sat in the Business Class Airport Lounge in Taipei and could feel my anger rising. “Look, you just met her a couple of days ago. You can’t possibly act like you know her.” “I know that. Don’t get me wrong. I like her. But when it comes to you, you have followed and waited and followed her and waited. And then she just disappears. So why do you still want her?” “Let’s change the subject,” I said quickly. “One last thing. If it was me – I would be honored, flattered. I wouldn’t end every question with ‘I don’t know’. You understand?” Just to piss off Daisy I answered, “I don’t know.” She laughed. “Okay, well we can talk about it in Kuala Lumpur. I am always here to listen.” I said somewhat suspiciously “Funny that we will be there at the same time.” “I have friends from Germany there.” “Okay.” I said. “I need to go my plane is boarding now.” “Okay, I will see you soon.” “Yes, I suppose so.” I started packing my computer up and getting ready to stand. “See you soon.” -Days earlier, Daisy had been a stranger who just was hanging out with all of us at the after party for Comedy Dim Sum. When everyone else went home, Daisy stayed with Eve and I for the entire night. When everything shut down we went to get breakfast to soak up the alcohol. Daisy sat between Eve and I at the Flying Pan on Bailey Street.
After Daisy ordered she spoke up, “So what is up between you two?” Daisy said putting her hand on my leg under the table and motioning with her eyes over at Eve. “What do you mean?” I asked. “So you guys don’t date? But you like each other.” “Yes.” I answered. Eve was quiet and leaned back against the booth cushions. “Why not just make something happen?” I said nothing and Eve didn’t look me in the eye. “I have tried,” I admitted. “But I am not going to force her. She knows I am here.” “And that’s it?” She turned to Eve. “So what’s wrong with him?” she asked point blank. Eve shook her head. “Nothing.” Daisy sat there waiting for us to explain. But we had nothing to explain. “Then why don’t you just ask her to marry you?” I was shy to say it but I said it anyway, “I did.” “And what did she say?” Eve and I didn’t answer. Daisy shook her head in disgust as our coffee was delivered to the table. “Life is too short. Why are you playing with each other’s emotions?” “We aren’t.” I defended us. Daisy blew out a breath. “This is fucked up.” She turned to Eve. “A man who has confessed his undying love to you. And you do what?” “It’s more complicated than that,” I said. “Let her answer.” Daisy said. She turned back to Eve, “Because every woman wants that. A man to love us and pursue us. Show that they love us.” She gave me a stare. “Hell, I would die for that.” Eve smiled meekly and said, “I know that.”
The table went silent and then the plates of food started arriving. “You two are sick. I think you two are getting off making something so simple so perverse,” and Daisy pulled up her fork and stuck it into her newly arrived scrambled eggs. -I was finally dancing at Zeta Bar in Kuala Lumpur after a full bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and Red Bull. My Blackberry was vibrating from dozens of SMS’s from Daisy. She was trying to meet me and bring her German friends. During the transition from one song to the next song by the band, I pulled my Blackberry out and the messages asked if I would go downtown Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and meet them. Then her last message said they were going to sleep because they had to get up for work the next morning and she was going to come join me. Then the band kicked off again – and I started to dance. Suddenly, two songs later I felt someone touch my back and I turned and it was Daisy. The dance floor had been empty except for me. But when Daisy arrived and we began to dance – the floor crowded and Daisy was surrounded by three other men. The band felt the energy and erupted into one dance song after dance song. “That was fun,” Daisy said. “Yeah, it was.” I said standing in the lobby of the Hilton. “You want me to help you get a taxi?” “Sure.” And we moved a couple of steps toward the entrance. “Or if you want to – you can stay in my room. I have twin beds.” Daisy smiled. “Sure.” And we walked out of the Hilton turned the corner and were walking into the Le Meredian. I took my shower first. And while I was rinsing off, Daisy just walked inside and used the bathroom. I was a bit shocked. “You know, I think you and I are alike,” she said as she peed. “How so?” I asked a little nervously.
“We are both very passionate people. Very open minded. Other people don’t get us. And when we want someone – we really want them.” And Daisy flushed. “Yeah, I guess,” I answered rinsing off a second time to waste time until Daisy left the bathroom. “You know, I don’t think Eve knows what she has.” “I think she does. She is just afraid. She believes she is just a pursuit. Not something I really love and care about.” “Do you really love her?” “That’s a stupid question.” I said. Daisy washed her hands. “Nothing is stupid. But I talked to her. But I don’t believe she feels the same way.” “Look, now is not the time to talk about this.” “Why not? When are you going to start facing the truth? If she wanted you, she would make things happen.” I was quiet. Finally, I was tired of feeling trapped in the shower so I turned the water off and pulled back the shower curtain revealing myself. Daisy didn’t look shocked. “You need a towel?” she asked. “That would be nice.” I said. And Daisy reached up and handed it to me. “Eve and I talked the other night after Comedy Dim Sum. And I think she is flattered by you but she still deeply loves her boyfriend.” “You mean her ex-boyfriend…” I tried to clarify. “No, her boyfriend. She still considers him her boyfriend.” “So why would she sneak away to see me if she still had a boyfriend?” “Do you know her real phone number? Do you know where she lives?” Daisy asked. “No.”
“Look again, I think she is an amazing woman. But she is not yours to wait for. I think you need to move on.” I stepped out of the tub and started drying my back. I watched as Daisy lost eye contact and looked at me naked. “I think you are excited that I am here,” she said. I covered myself. “No, I just had too much Red Bull.” “Its okay,” she said and she moved closer to me. “I just broke up with my boyfriend too. So I know what you must be feeling.” I felt myself tense up. “Okay, I will let you take a shower.” And with that I went out of the bathroom. I sat in my bed and tried to sleep but I just keeping hearing the running water as Daisy took a shower. I thought about what Daisy was saying. I was angry that a woman who had known me less than a week and only met Eve a couple of times was making statements that were completely out of context. She couldn’t know what Eve thought. She couldn’t know what I was thinking or wanted. “What are you doing?” Daisy asked suddenly with a towel in her hair and around her chest. I hadn’t noticed that the shower had stopped and she was standing at the foot of my bed. “I didn’t know which bed you wanted so I took the one against the wall. You can have the one against the window.” “Well I was hoping that we could share.” And she threw the towel out of her hair and crawled up on the bed with me. “Look, I don’t want you to think that I invited you to my room for sex.” Daisy smiled. “I know that. Maybe I invited myself.” I laid their quiet as she moved over me. “Look you need to find someone who wants you back. You have a lot of love to give. I read your poetry. I read your blogs about her. I read your stories. You need someone to love you.” Daisy said and as she crawled her bottom towel came undone. “But so does everyone.” I said. Daisy was now over me completely and her wet hair was dangling just above my mouth. She looked on me and her eyes were watching my lips.
We just watched each other. Then Daisy kissed me. I was reluctant at first but then my tongue joined hers. She leaned in and bit my neck and whispered into my ear, “Love someone who loves you back.” My heart had felt so empty for so long – in a permanent pause – and suddenly it felt wanted. Daisy was on my body and her fingers went out to touch me, search me, taste me and I pushed back – and she fell on her back and she gave me her. I devoured her. And I took her. And I tasted her and I took her again. Hours later, when Daisy was asleep in my arms wet from my and her sweat, I watched her lie there peacefully. And behind her, the morning sun pushed through the gray Malaysian clouds. For the rest of the week, I worked during the day and drank and devoured Daisy at night. Hoping each time that Daisy fell asleep spent in my arms, the guilt would be gone and my heart where Eve had occupied would be filled up with something else. But Eve was still there. And every night, Daisy would remind me, “Love someone who loves you back.” -I got an email from Eve saying that when I returned to Hong Kong that she needed to talk to me about something very important. I told Daisy. “Sure, that’s fine. You want to meet her alone?” Daisy asked. “Maybe.” And I thought a moment. “But I think she is going to say goodbye – for real this time.” I said. Daisy looked at me and leaned forward and kissed me. “If so, it’s time to move on.” -Daisy and I arranged our flights back to Hong Kong on the same day. On the flight back and one of the final scenes of “The Invention of Lying”, Jennifer Garner’s character asks Ricky Gervais, “Just tell me what the man in the sky wants.” And Ricky Gervais thinks about it for a second and then says, “No.” And it’s at that moment he could lie so she will make the decision to marry him and not Rob Lowe’s character.
Instead, Ricky Gervais turns and walks out of the church. Jennifer Garner stands torn and confused at the alter with Rob Lowe. Soon Louis CK, one of my personal comedian idols, obediently follows his friend Ricky Gervais outside. Ricky tells him to go back inside. As the camera pans out, Jennifer Garner comes running out in her wedding gown. Standing beside him she asks again, “Please. Tell me what the man in the sky wants me to do. You can talk to him. Just tell me what he says.” Again, Ricky Gervais shakes his head, “No.” And I cried. Daisy turned from her movie and saw the tears and put her fingers to my cheek. “Why are you crying?” I tried to speak but I couldn’t. -I called Eve and told her to meet me at Isra’s restaurant and bar, Cicada, in SoHo. While I was speaking to Eve, she overheard Daisy behind me. “Is that Daisy?” she asked. “Yes.” “Invite her too.” “You sure?” “Yeah,” Eve said. -Daisy met me at Fortress Hill after getting her hair cut and colored by Yenni Nguyen. I talked her into taking the tram to Central. Half way to Central, my Blackberry started vibrating non-stop. It was filled with three angry messages from Eve. “Where are you? I am waiting. I have to leave at 8 pm.” I called Eve immediately. “I thought we were meeting at 8 pm?” “No, I said I had to leave at 8 pm. You said you could meet me at 7 pm.”
“There has been some confusion.” “Well, I am not feeling too well,” Eve admitted. “I am so sorry. We can plan to do this again another time.” Eve was quick to answer, “No, I want to do this today. I don’t want to push this off.” Her words cut like a knife. “Okay, we will take the MTR. We will get off at the next tram stop.” And I hung up. Daisy looked at me and saw my face. “What’s wrong?” “Eve thought we were going to be there at 7 pm. And she says she has somewhere to be at 8 pm.” Daisy frowned. “That makes no sense. She really wants to be done with you then. She probably has nowhere to be.” “Look, that’s not Eve.” I stood there upset for a second or two. Then I took Daisy’s hand and we pushed through the crowd on the second deck of the tram and went downstairs waiting for the next tram stop. -Daisy and I arrived at Cicada sweating. Eve was sitting at one of the front tables. She was finishing her first glass of white wine. Eve smiled. “Wow, you two look great together. You even look alike.” I looked at Daisy who was wearing her black frame glasses and she looked back at me as I was wearing my black frame glasses. “Well he loves you,” Daisy was quick to say. Eve recoiled. Isra showed up at our table and asked our order. We all ordered another round of white wines. “So why do you have to end things like this?” Daisy asked. “So final?” Eve turned to me, “Didn’t you say when you went to Nepal you wanted to make something happen or move on?” “Yes.”
“And then you said you feel more confused now then you did.” “Yes, because I don’t know what you want.” “I know what I want now.” “Which is?” Daisy asked. “I want him to be happy.” Eve said. “But you make him happy,” Daisy pushed forward. The wine arrived. -After the glasses of wine and some starters, we paid the bill and got up to leave. Outside, we were walking without direction. Finally Eve spoke up, “Look, I need to go.” I turned to her and nodded. “Do me a favor okay? If one of your stories or you write a book based on your blog and it gets famous, please never tell anyone who I am. Okay? I do not want the world to know who I am.” I swallowed hard. “Okay. I promise.” “And please do not talk about me after I am gone.” “Okay.” I said. And so there we were – Eve and I and Daisy standing, watching us. Eve turned and hugged Daisy first. Then Eve didn’t look me in the eye but she moved forward and hugged me tight. And I held her back just as tightly. Then as she pulled away she gently kissed both my cheeks. “You know I am always here. You know that?” I said. “I know where you are. I can always check SoulParking.” And she half smiled.
And I took my last mental picture of Eve and there were a million things I wanted to do, to say. But instead she said, “Goodbye.” And she turned quickly and like all the other times – she was out of my life. There was a long quiet between Daisy and I. “I have never seen two people who loved each other so much not do anything about it,” Daisy said as we stood on Elgin Street and I watched Eve walk away. It was like this wasn’t happening. Inside I lied to myself and said this was like all the other times where Eve and I had said goodbye but we couldn’t be apart and we reunited. Although this time, I had the SIM card from the mobile she used to call me. And she had never given me her real mobile phone number so I couldn’t contact her any other way. I tried to keep watching – following her with my eyes – hoping she would not disappear, but then suddenly she did – and I was flooded with the all the words I should have said; I should have kissed her hard; I should have begged her not to leave. “I blame her though,” Daisy started again. “She never tried.” She reached out her hand and grabbed mine. I pushed it off.
“Let’s respect her wishes of not talking about her in the past anymore.”
“Well you are going to write about this, like you always do, right? So you aren’t going to respect her wishes.” I felt my anger rising. “Yes I will write about this because I need the closure.” “No you have this perverse attraction to a woman who never loved you.” Daisy said directly. I spun my head in her direction. “She loved me.” “A woman who loves someone doesn’t walk away from them without trying.” Furious, I started walking away in the direction of the 7-11. “Oh does that sting? Don’t be a baby.” I stopped and turned to her. “Have you thought that maybe I let her go? I want her happy more than anything. And it’s not that she doesn’t love me. She loves me! But sadly, she hasn’t been able to completely love herself – or build the life she wants to live. Now she has this one chance to start over. And maybe her ex-boyfriend stole ten years of her life – and she lost herself. But I hope that I am giving her the chance to get those ten years of her life back.”
“Admit it. She was some muse you used – and just to be creative – you destroyed her privacy. That’s why she wants nothing to do with you because she lives in constant fear that anything she says, or does, will end up written down for the world to read, hate her and make you look like the poor shunned romantic.” My heart was pounding and my face went red but before I could say anything in retaliation, the words she said sunk in. I looked back down toward Staunton Street and suddenly all traces of Eve were gone. Her perfume was leaving my clothes. The wetness of her kiss on my cheeks was already evaporating. I had no pictures of us together. She refused. Or quickly deleted them from her digital camera. I had my used airplane ticket to Nepal. And three years of broken relationships as I waited for her to make contact. The only physical relics to prove she existed was her SIM card that I had wrapped in the poem she wrote me. Both I hid in my wallet. The final proof she existed were a couple of emails she sent me through a made up email address with a fake name. When I got home that night, I replied to one of those old emails and said in a poem what I should have said face to face. Try If possible was the simple act of yes, no, maybe I would settle with maybe Or perhaps or sometimes Or a way to go back, return To the place where I am sitting across from you Saying go, be free Live your life Try to be the person you dream you can be The person I know you can become The person I know you will be But the person you become has to happen in the absence of me I would love to watch the becoming of you “But if you follow me, you’re a stalker,” you say And I smile but it cuts me to the core “Excuse me,” I say and escape to the bathroom
There in the mirror I cry I return to the table smiling Pretending to be happy Accepting your reality Even though I refuse it But “I am happy for you” I lie And show happiness I try Although I am dying inside I wished with us you could Try I hit send. Immediately, I got a reply: “This email address no longer exists.” That night I had trouble sleeping. I had a vision that before I died, my life flashed before me and so many of my final memories had Eve in them. Finally I let my soul go and my physical eyes closed. When I woke up in Heaven, I felt a hand touch my face and heard a voice say, “You are so beautiful.” I blinked and there was Eve looking like when I had first seen her – sitting across from me at the Pacific Coffee inside the Hong Kong International Airport. And in Heaven, Eve kissed me. And with that, this will be my last time I will write about Eve.
Written by GS Jackson, © 2010 LOL Entertainment Group, LLC (USA) Limited (HKG)