OriginalPreface
WHENBEINGINLOVE meansbeinginpainweareloving toomuch.Whenmostofourconversationswithintimate friendsareabout him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings—andnearlyalloursentencesbeginwith“he ...”,we arelovingtoomuch.
Whenweexcusehismoodiness,badtemper,indifference orput-downsasproblemsduetoanunhappychildhood andwetrytobecomehistherapist,wearelovingtoomuch.
Whenwereadaself-helpbookandunderlineallthe passageswethinkwouldhelp him,wearelovingtoomuch.
Whenwedon’tlikemanyofhisbasiccharacteristics, values,andbehaviors,butweputupwiththemthinking thatifweareonlyattractiveandlovingenoughhe’llwant tochangeforus,wearelovingtoomuch.
Whenourrelationshipjeopardizesouremotionalwellbeingandperhapsevenourphysicalhealthandsafety,we aredefinitelylovingtoomuch.
Inspiteofallitspainanddissatisfaction,lovingtoomuch issuchacommonexperienceformanywomenthatwe almostbelieveitisthewayintimaterelationshipsaresupposed tobe.Mostofushavelovedtoomuchatleastonceandfor manyofusithasbeenarecurrentthemeinourlives.Some ofushavebecomesoobsessedwithourpartnerandour relationshipthatwearebarelyabletofunction.
Inthisbookwewilltakeahardlookatthereasonswhy somanywomen,lookingforsomeonetolovethem,seem inevitablytofindunhealthy,unlovingpartnersinstead.And wewillexplorewhy,onceweknowarelationshipisnot meetingourneeds,weneverthelesshavesuchdifficulty endingit.Wewillseethatlovingturnsintolovingtoomuch whenourpartnerisinappropriate,uncaring,orunavailable
andyetwecannotgivehimup—infactwewanthim,we needhimevenmore.Wewillcometounderstandhowour wantingtolove,ouryearningforlove,ourlovingitself becomesan addiction.
Addictionisafrighteningword.Itconjuresupimagesof heroinusersjabbingneedlesintotheirarmsandleading obviouslyself-destructivelives.Wedon’tlikethewordand wedon’twanttoapplytheconcepttothewaywerelate tomen.Butmany,manyofushavebeen“manjunkies” and,likeanyotheraddict,weneedtoadmittheseverityof ourproblembeforewecanbegintorecoverfromit.
Ifyouhaveeverfoundyourselfobsessedwithaman,you mayhavesuspectedthattherootofthatobsessionwasnot lovebutfear.Wewholoveobsessivelyarefulloffear—fear ofbeingalone,fearofbeingunlovableandunworthy,fear ofbeingignoredorabandonedordestroyed.Wegiveour loveinthedesperatehopethatthemanwithwhomwe’re obsessedwilltakecareofourfears.Instead,thefears—and ourobsession—deepenuntilgivingloveinordertogetit backbecomesadrivingforceinourlives.Andbecauseour strategydoesn’tworkwetry,weloveevenharder.Welove toomuch.
Ifirstrecognizedthephenomenonof“lovingtoomuch” asaspecificsyndromeofthoughts,feelings,andbehaviors afterseveralyearsofcounselingalcoholanddrugabusers. Havingconductedhundredsofinterviewswithaddictsand theirfamilies,Imadeasurprisingdiscovery.Sometimesthe chemicallydependentpatientsIinterviewedgrewupin troubledfamilies,sometimestheydidnot;buttheirpartnersnearlyalwayscamefromseverelytroubledfamiliesin whichtheyhadexperiencedgreaterthannormalstressand pain.Bystrugglingtocopewiththeiraddictivemates,these partners(knowninthealcoholismtreatmentfieldas“coalcoholics”)wereunconsciouslyrecreatingandreliving significantaspectsoftheirchildhood.
Itwasmostlyfromthewivesandgirlfriendsofaddictive menthatIbegantounderstandthenatureoflovingtoo much.Theirpersonalhistoriesrevealedtheirneedforboth thesuperiorityandthesufferingtheyexperiencedintheir “savior”roleandhelpedmemakesenseofthedepthof theiraddictiontoamanwhowasinturnaddictedtoa substance.Itwasclearthatbothpartnersinthesecouples wereequallyinneedofhelp,indeedthatbothwereliterallydyingoftheiraddictions,hefromtheeffectsofchemicalabuse,sheoftheeffectsofextremestress.
Theseco-alcoholicwomenclarifiedformetheincrediblepowerandinfluencetheirchildhoodexperienceshad ontheiradultpatternsofrelatingtomen.Theyhavesomethingtotellallofuswhohavelovedtoomuchaboutwhy wehavedevelopedourpredilectionfortroubledrelationships,howweperpetuateourproblems,andmostimportantlyhowwecanchangeandgetwell.
Idonotintendtoimplythatwomenaretheonlyones wholovetoomuch.Somemenpracticethisobsessionwith relationshipswithasmuchfervorasanywomancould,and theirfeelingsandbehaviorsissuefromthesamekindsof childhoodexperiencesanddynamics.However,mostmen whohavebeendamagedinchildhooddonotdevelopan addictiontorelationships.Duetoaninterplayofcultural andbiologicalfactors,theyusuallytrytoprotectthemselves andavoidtheirpainthroughpursuitswhicharemore externalthaninternal,moreimpersonalthanpersonal.Their tendencyistobecomeobsessedwithwork,sports,orhobbies while,duetotheculturalandbiologicalforcesworkingon her,thewoman’stendencyistobecomeobsessedwitha relationship—perhapswithjustsuchadamagedanddistant man.
Hopefullythisbookwillbeofhelpto anyone wholoves toomuch,butitisprimarilywrittenforwomenbecause lovingtoomuchisprimarilyafemalephenomenon.Its
purposeisveryspecific:tohelpwomenwithdestructive patternsofrelatingtomenrecognizethatfact,understand theoriginofthosepatterns,andgainthetoolsforchanging theirlives.
Butifyouareawomanwholovestoomuch,Ifeelitonly fairtocautionyouthatthisisnotgoingtobeaneasybook toread.Indeed,ifthedefinitionfitsandyounevertheless breezethroughthisbookunstirredandunaffected,oryou findyourselfboredorangry,orunabletoconcentrateon thematerialpresentedhere,oronlyabletothinkabouthow muchitwouldhelpsomeoneelse,Isuggestthatyoutry readingthebookagainatalatertime.Weallneedtodeny whatistoopainfulortoothreateningforustoaccept. Denialisanaturalmeansofself-protection,operatingautomaticallyandunbidden.Perhapsatalaterreadingyouwill beabletofaceyourownexperiencesanddeeperfeelings.
Readslowly,allowingyourselftorelatebothintellectuallyandemotionallytothesewomenandtheirstories.The casehistoriesinthisbookmayseemextremetoyou.Iassure youthattheoppositeistrue.Thepersonalities,characteristics,andhistoriesthatIhaveencounteredamonghundreds ofwomenIhaveknownpersonallyandprofessionallywho fitthecategoryoflovingtoomucharebynomeansexaggeratedhere.Theiractualstoriesarefarmorecomplicated andfullofpain.Iftheirproblemsseemmuchmoreserious anddistressingthanyours,letmesaythatyourinitialreactionistypicalofmostofmyclients.Eachbelievesthather problemis“notthatbad,”evenassherelateswithcompassiontotheplightofotherwomenwho,inheropinion, have“real”troubles.
Itisoneoftheironiesoflifethatwewomencanrespond withsuchsympathyandunderstandingtothepaininone another’sliveswhileremainingsoblindedto(andby)the paininourown.Iknowthisonlytoowell,havingbeena womanwholovedtoomuchmostofmylifeuntilthetoll
tomyphysicalandemotionalhealthwassoseverethatI wasforcedtotakeahardlookatmypatternofrelatingto men.Ihavespentthelastseveralyearsworkinghardto changethatpattern.Theyhavebeenthemostrewarding yearsofmylife.
Ihopethatforallofyouwholovetoomuchthisbook willnotonlyhelpyoutobecomemoreawareofthereality ofyourcondition,butwillencourageyoutobegintochange itaswell,byredirectingyourlovingattentionawayfrom yourobsessionwithamanandtowardyourownrecovery andyourownlife.
Hereasecondwarningisappropriate.Thereisinthis book,asinsomany“self-help”books,alistofstepstotake inordertochange.Shouldyoudecidethatyoureallydo wanttofollowthesesteps,itwillrequire—asalltherapeutic changedoes—yearsofworkandnothingshortofyourtotal commitment.Therearenoshortcutsoutofthepatternof lovingtoomuchinwhichyouarecaught.Itisapattern learnedearlyandpracticedwell,andtogiveitupwillbe frightening,threatening,andconstantlychallenging.This warningisnotmeanttodiscourageyou.Afterall,youwill mostcertainlybefacingastrugglethroughoutthoseyears aheadifyoudon’tchangeyourpatternofrelating.Butin thatcase,yourstrugglewillnotbetowardgrowthbutmerely towardsurvival.Thechoiceisyours.Ifyouchoosetobegin theprocessofrecovery,youwillchangefromawomanwho lovessomeoneelsesomuchithurtsintoawomanwholoves herselfenoughtostopthepain.
CHAPTER ONE
LovingtheManWho Doesn’tLoveBack
Victimoflove, Iseeabrokenheart. You’vegotyourstorytotell.
Victimoflove; It’ssuchaneasypart Andyouknowhowtoplayit sowell.
... Ithinkyouknow whatImean. You’rewalkingthewire Ofpainanddesire, Lookingforloveinbetween. VictimofLove
ItwasJill’sfirstsession,andshelookeddoubtful. Pertandpetite,withblondOrphanAnniecurls,she satstifflyontheedgeofthechairfacingme. Everythingaboutherseemedround:theshapeofher face,herslightlyplumpfigure,andmostparticularly herblueeyes,whichtookintheframeddegreesand certificatesonmyofficewall.Sheaskedafewquestionsaboutmygraduateschoolandcounselinglicense,and thenmentioned,withobviouspride,thatshewasinlawschool. Therewasabriefsilence.Shelookeddownatherfolded hands.
“IguessI’dbetterstarttalkingaboutwhyI’mhere,”she spokerapidly,usingthemomentumofherwordstogather courage.
“I’mdoingthis—seeingatherapist,Imean—becauseI’m reallyunhappy.It’smen,ofcourse.Imean,meandmen.I alwaysdosomethingtodrivethemaway.Everythingstarts outfine.Theyreallypursuemeandeverything,andthen aftertheygettoknowme”—shetensedvisiblyagainstthe comingpain—“itallfallsapart.”
Shelookedupatmenow,hereyesshiningwithheldbacktears,andcontinuedmoreslowly.
“IwanttoknowwhatI’mdoingwrong,whatIhaveto changeaboutme—becauseI’lldoit.I’lldowhateverit takes.I’mreallyahardworker.”Shebegantospeedupagain.
“It’snotthatI’munwilling.Ijust don’tknow whythis keepshappeningtome.I’mafraidtogetinvolvedanymore. Imean,it’snothingbutpaineverytime.I’mbeginningto bereallyafraidofmen.”
Shakingherhead,theroundcurlsbouncing,sheexplained withvehemence,“Idon’twantthattohappen,becauseI’m verylonely.InlawschoolIhavelotsofresponsibility,and thenI’mworkingtosupportmyselftoo.Thesedemandscould keepmebusyallthetime.Infact,that’sprettymuchallIdid forthepastyear—work,gotoschool,study,andsleep.ButI missedhavingamaninmylife.”
Quicklyshecontinued.“ThenImetRandy,whenIwas visitingfriendsinSanDiegotwomonthsago.He’san attorney,andwemetonenightwhenmyfriendstookme outdancing.Well,wejusthititoffrightaway.Therewas somuchtotalkabout—exceptthatIguessIdidmostof thetalking.Butheseemedto like that.Anditwasjustso greattobewithamanwhowasinterestedinthingsthat wereimportanttome,too.”
Herbrowsgatheredtogether.“Heseemedreallyattracted tome.Youknow,askingifIwasmarried—I’mdivorced,
havebeenfortwoyears—ifIlivedalone.Thatkindofstuff.”
IcouldimaginehowJill’seagernessmusthaveshownas shechattedbrightlywithRandyovertheblaringmusicthat firstnight.Andtheeagernesswithwhichshewelcomedhim aweeklaterwhenheextendedabusinesstriptoLosAngeles anextrahundredmilestovisither.Atdinnersheofferedto lethimsleepatherapartmentsothathecouldpostponethe longdrivebackuntilthenextday.Heacceptedherinvitationandtheiraffairbeganthatnight.
“Itwasgreat.Heletmecookforhimandreallyenjoyed beinglookedafter.Ipressedhisshirtforhimbeforehe dressedthatmorning.Ilovelookingafteraman.Wegot alongbeautifully.”Shesmiledwistfully.Butasshecontinued herstoryitbecameclearthatJillhadalmostimmediately becomecompletelyobsessedwithRandy.
WhenhereturnedtohisSanDiegoapartment,thephone wasringing.Jillwarmlyinformedhimthatshehadbeen worriedabouthislongdriveandwasrelievedtoknowhe wassafelyhome.Whenshethoughthesoundedalittle bemusedathercall,sheapologizedforbotheringhimand hungup,butagnawingdiscomfortbegantogrowinher, fueledbytheawarenessthatonceagainshecaredfarmore thanthemaninherlifedid.
“Randytoldmeoncenottopressurehimorhewould justdisappear.Igotsoscared.Itwasalluptome.Iwas supposedtolovehimandleavehimaloneatthesametime. Icouldn’tdoit,soIjustgotmoreandmorescared.The moreIpanicked,themoreIchasedhim.”
SoonJillwascallinghimalmostnightly.Theirarrangementwastotaketurnscalling,butoftenwhenitwasRandy’s turnthehourwouldgrowlateandshewouldbecometoo restlesstostandit.Sleepwasoutofthequestionanyway, soshewoulddialhim.Theseconversationswereasvague astheywerelengthy.
“Hewouldsayhe’dforgotten,andIwouldsay,‘Howcan
youforget?’Afterall,Ineverforgot.Sothenwe’dgetinto talkingaboutwhy,anditseemedlikehewasafraidtoget closetomeandIwantedtohelphimgetthroughthat.He keptsayinghedidn’tknowwhathewantedinlife,andI wouldtrytohelphimclarifywhattheissueswereforhim.” Thus,Jillfellintotheroleof“shrink”withRandy,trying tohelphimbemoreemotionallypresentforher.
Thathedidnotwantherwassomethingshecouldnot accept.Shehadalreadydecidedthatheneededher.
Twice,JillflewtoSanDiegotospendtheweekendwith him;onthesecondvisit,hespenttheirSundaytogether ignoringher,watchingtelevisionanddrinkingbeer.Itwas oneoftheworstdaysshecouldremember.
“Washeaheavydrinker?”IaskedJill.Shelookedstartled.
“Well,no,notreally.Idon’tknow,actually.Ineverreally thoughtaboutit.Ofcourse,hewasdrinkingthenightI methim,butthat’sonlynatural.Afterall,wewereinabar. SometimeswhenwetalkedonthephoneIcouldhearice tinklinginaglassandI’dteasehimaboutit—youknow, drinkingaloneandallthat.Actually,Iwasneverwithhim whenhewasn’tdrinking,butIjustassumedthatheliked todrink.That’snormal,isn’tit?”
Shepaused,thinking.“Youknow,sometimesonthephone hewouldtalkfunny,especiallyforanattorney.Reallyvague andimprecise;forgetful,notconsistent.ButIneverthought ofitashappeningbecausehewasdrinking.Idon’tknow howIexplainedittomyself.IguessIjustdidn’tletmyself thinkaboutit.”
Shelookedatmesadly.
“Maybehe did drinktoomuch,butitmusthavebeen becauseIboredhim.IguessIjustwasn’tinterestingenough andhedidn’treallywanttobewithme.”Anxiously,she continued.“Myhusbandneverwantedtobearoundme— thatwasobvious!”Hereyesbrimmedoverasshestruggled on.“Neitherdidmyfather....Whatisitinme?Whydo
theyallfeelthatwayaboutme?WhatamIdoingwrong?”
ThemomentJillbecameawareofaproblembetween herandsomeoneimportanttoher,shewaswillingnotonly totryandsolveitbutalsototakeresponsibilityforhaving createdit.IfRandy,herhusband,andherfatherallfailed toloveher,shefeltitmustbebecauseofsomethingshe haddoneorfailedtodo.
Jill’sattitudes,feelings,behavior,andlifeexperienceswere typicalofawomanforwhombeinginlovemeansbeingin pain.Sheexhibitedmanyofthecharacteristicsthatwomen wholovetoomuchhaveincommon.Regardlessofthespecific detailsoftheirstoriesandstruggles,whethertheyhaveendured alonganddifficultrelationshipwithonemanorhavebeen involvedinaseriesofunhappypartnershipswithmanymen, theyshareacommonprofile.Lovingtoomuchdoesnotmean lovingtoomanymen,orfallinginlovetoooften,orhaving toogreatadepthofgenuineloveforanother.Itmeans,in truth,obsessingaboutamanandcallingthatobsessionlove, allowingittocontrolyouremotionsandmuchofyourbehavior, realizingthatitnegativelyinfluencesyourhealthandwell-being, andyetfindingyourselfunabletoletgo.Itmeansmeasuring thedegreeofyourlovebythedepthofyourtorment.
Asyoureadthisbook,youmayfindyourselfidentifying withJill,orwithanotherofthewomenwhosestoriesyou encounter,andyoumaywonderifyou,too,areawoman wholovestoomuch.Perhaps,thoughyourproblemswith menaresimilartotheirs,youwillhavedifficultyassociating yourselfwiththe“labels”thatapplytosomeofthese women’sbackgrounds.Weallhavestrongemotionalreactionstowordslike alcoholism,incest,violence,and addiction,and sometimeswecannotlookatourownlivesrealistically becausewearesoafraidofhavingtheselabelsapplytous ortothosewelove.Sadly,ourinabilitytousethewords whentheydoapplyoftenprecludesourgettingappropriate help.Ontheotherhand,thosedreadedlabelsmaynotapply
inyourlife.Yourchildhoodmayhaveinvolvedproblemsof asubtlernature.Maybeyourfather,whileprovidingafinanciallysecurehome,neverthelessdeeplydislikedanddistrusted women,andhisinabilitytoloveyoukeptyoufromloving yourself.Oryourmother’sattitudetowardyoumayhave beenjealousandcompetitiveinprivateeventhoughshe showedyouoffandbraggedaboutyouinpublic,sothat youendedupneedingtodowelltogainherapprovaland yetfearingthehostilityyoursuccessgeneratedinher.
Wecannotcoverinthisonebookthemyriadwaysfamiliescanbeunhealthy—thatwouldrequireseveralvolumes ofaratherdifferentnature.Itisimportanttounderstand, however,thatwhatallunhealthyfamilieshaveincommon istheirinabilitytodiscuss root problems.Theremaybeother problemsthat are discussed,oftenadnauseum,butthese oftencoveruptheunderlyingsecretsthatmakethefamily dysfunctional.Itisthedegreeofsecrecy—theinabilityto talkabouttheproblems—ratherthantheirseverity,that definesbothhowdysfunctionalafamilybecomesandhow severelyitsmembersaredamaged.
Adysfunctionalfamilyisoneinwhichmembersplay rigidrolesandinwhichcommunicationisseverelyrestricted tostatementsthatfittheseroles.Membersarenotfreeto expressafullrangeofexperiences,wants,needs,andfeelings,butrathermustlimitthemselvestoplayingthatpart whichaccommodatesthoseplayedbyotherfamilymembers. Rolesoperateinallfamilies,butascircumstanceschange, themembersmustalsochangeandadaptinorderforthe familytocontinuetoremainhealthy.Thus,thekindof motheringappropriateforaone-year-oldwillbehighly inappropriateforathirteen-year-old,andthemotheringrole mustaltertoaccommodatereality.Indysfunctionalfamilies, majoraspectsofrealityaredenied,androlesremainrigid.
Whennoonecandiscusswhataffectseveryfamily memberindividuallyaswellasthefamilyasawhole—indeed,
whensuchdiscussionisforbiddenimplicitly(thesubjectis changed)orexplicitly(“Wedon’ttalkaboutthosethings!”)— welearnnottobelieveinourownperceptionsorfeelings. Becauseourfamilydeniesourreality,webegintodenyit too. Andthisseverelyimpairsthedevelopmentofourbasic toolsforlivinglifeandforrelatingtopeopleandsituations. Itisthisbasicimpairmentthatoperatesinwomenwholove toomuch.Webecomeunabletodiscernwhensomeoneor somethingisnotgoodforus.Thesituationsandpeoplethat otherswouldnaturallyavoidasdangerous,uncomfortable,or unwholesomedonotrepelus,becausewehavenowayof evaluatingthemrealisticallyorself-protectively.Wedonot trustourfeelings,orusethemtoguideus.Instead,weare actuallydrawntotheverydangers,intrigues,dramas,and challengesthatotherswithhealthierandmorebalancedbackgroundswouldnaturallyeschew.Andthroughthisattraction wearefurtherdamaged,becausemuchofwhatweare attractedtoisareplicationofwhatwelivedwithgrowing up.Wegethurtalloveragain.
Noonebecomessuchawoman,awomanwholovestoo much,byaccident.Togrowupasafemaleinthissociety andinsuchafamilycangeneratesomepredictablepatterns. Thefollowingcharacteristicsaretypicalofwomenwholove toomuch,womenlikeJillandperhapslikeyou,too.
1.Typically,youcomefromadysfunctionalhomein whichyouremotionalneedswerenotmet.
2.Havingreceivedlittlerealnurturingyourself,youtry tofillthisunmetneedvicariouslybybecomingacare-giver, especiallytomenwhoappear,insomeway,needy.
3.Becauseyouwereneverabletochangeyourparent(s) intothewarm,lovingcaretaker(s)youlongedfor,yourespond deeplytothefamiliartypeofemotionallyunavailableman whomyoucanagaintrytochange,throughyourlove.
4.Terrifiedofabandonment,youwilldoanythingtokeep arelationshipfromdissolving.
5.Almostnothingistoomuchtrouble,takestoomuch time,oristooexpensiveifitwill“help”themanyouare involvedwith.
6.Accustomedtolackofloveinpersonalrelationships, youarewillingtowait,hope,andtryhardertoplease.
7.Youarewillingtotakefarmorethan50percentof theresponsibility,guilt,andblameinanyrelationship.
8.Yourself-esteemiscriticallylow,anddeepinsideyou donotbelieveyoudeservetobehappy.Rather,youbelieve youmustearntherighttoenjoylife.
9.Youhaveadesperateneedtocontrolyourmenand yourrelationships,havingexperiencedlittlesecurityinchildhood.Youmaskyoureffortstocontrolpeopleandsituationsas“beinghelpful.”
10.Inarelationship,youaremuchmoreintouchwith yourdreamofhowitcouldbethanwiththerealityofyour situation.
11.Youareaddictedtomenandtoemotionalpain.
12.Youmaybepredisposedemotionallyandoften biochemicallytobecomingaddictedtodrugs,alcohol, and/orcertainfoods,particularlysugaryones.
13.Bybeingdrawntopeoplewithproblemsthatneed fixing,orbybeingenmeshedinsituationsthatarechaotic, uncertain,andemotionallypainful,youavoidfocusingon yourresponsibilitytoyourself.
14.Youmayhaveatendencytowardepisodesofdepression,whichyoutrytoforestallthroughtheexcitement providedbyanunstablerelationship.
15.Youarenotattractedtomenwhoarekind,stable,reliable,andinterestedinyou.Youfindsuch“nice”menboring.
Jilldisplayednearlyallofthesecharacteristics,toagreater orlesserdegree.Itwasasmuchbecausesheembodiedso manyoftheaboveattributesasbecauseofanythingelseshe mayhavetoldmeabouthimthatIsuspectedRandymight haveadrinkingproblem.Womenwiththistypeofemotional makeupareconsistentlydrawntomenwhoareemotionallyunavailableforonereasonoranother.Beingaddicted isaprimarywayofbeingemotionallyunavailable.
Rightfromthestart,JillwaswillingtotakemoreresponsibilitythanRandyforinitiatingtherelationshipandkeeping itgoing.Likesomanywomenwholovetoomuch,shewas obviouslyaveryresponsibleperson,ahighachieverwho wassucceedinginmanyareasofherlife,butwhoneverthelesshadlittleself-esteem.Therealizationofheracademic andcareergoalscouldnotcounterbalancethepersonal failuresheenduredinherloverelationships.Everyphone callRandyforgottomakedealtaseriousblowtoherfragile self-image,whichshethenworkedheroicallytoshoreup bytryingtoextractsignsofcaringfromhim.Herwillingnesstotakefullblameforafailedrelationshipwastypical, aswasherinabilitytoassessthesituationrealisticallyand takecareofherselfbypullingoutwhenthelackofreciprocitybecameapparent.
Womenwholovetoomuchhavelittleregardfortheir personalintegrityinaloverelationship.Theypourtheir energiesintochangingtheotherperson’sbehaviororfeelingstowardthemthroughdesperatemanipulations,suchas Jill’sexpensivelong-distancephonecallsandflightstoSan Diego(remember,herbudgetwasextremelylimited).Her long-distance“therapysessions”withhimweremuchmore anattempttomakehimintothemansheneededhimto bethantohelphimdiscoverwhohewas.Actually,Randy
didnotwanttohelpindiscoveringwhohewas.Ifhehad beeninterestedinsuchajourneyofself-discovery,hewould havedonemostoftheworkhimself,ratherthansittingby passivelywhileJilltriedtoforcehimtoanalyzehimself.She madetheseeffortsbecauseheronlyotheralternativewasto recognizeandaccepthimforwhathewas—amanwhowas carelessofherfeelingsandoftherelationship.
Let’sreturntoJill’ssessiontobetterunderstandwhat broughthertomyofficethatday.
Shewastalkingaboutherfathernow.
“Hewassuchastubbornman.IsworethatsomedayI’d winanargumentwithhim.”Shereflectedforamoment.
“Ineverdid,though.That’sprobablywhyIwentinto law.Ijustlovetheideaofarguingacaseand winning!”She flashedawidesmileatthethoughtandthensoberedagain.
“DoyouknowwhatIdidonce?Imadehimtellme thathelovedme,andImadehimgivemeahug.”Jillwas tryingtorelateitasalight-heartedanecdotefromher growing-upyears,butitdidn’tplaythatway.Theshadow ofahurtyounggirlcamethrough.
“ItneverwouldhavehappenedifIhadn’tforcedhim. Buthedidloveme.Hejustcouldn’tshowme.Henever wasabletosayitagain.SoI’mreallygladImadehim. OtherwiseIneverwouldhaveheardhimsayittome.Ihad beenwaitingyearsandyears.IwaseighteenwhenIsaidto him,‘You’regoingtotellmethatyouloveme,’andIwouldn’t moveuntilhehadsaidit.ThenIaskedhimforahugand reallyIhadtohughimfirst.Hejustsortofsqueezedback andpattedmyshoulderabit,butthat’sokay.Ireallyneeded thatfromhim.”Thetearswerebacknow,thistimespilling overherroundcheeks.
“Whywasthatsohardforhimtodo?Itseemslikesuch a basic thing,tobeabletotellyourdaughterthatyoulove her.”
Againshestudiedherfoldedhands.
“Itriedsohard.That’sevenwhyIarguedandfoughtso hardwithhim.IthoughtifIeverwon,he’dhavetobe proudofme.He’dhavetoadmitIwasgood.Iwantedhis approval,whichIguessmeanshislove,morethananything intheworld....”
ItbecameclearintalkingfurtherwithherthatJill’sfamily blamedherfather’srejectionofheronthefactthathehad wantedasonandhadgottenadaughterinstead.Thisfacile explanationofhiscoldnesstowardhischildwasfareasier forallofthem,includingJill,toacceptthanwasthetruth abouthim.Butafterconsiderabletimeintherapy,Jillrecognizedthatherfatherhadhadcloseemotionaltieswith no one ,thathehadbeenvirtuallyincapableofexpressing warmthorloveorapprovaltoanyoneinhispersonalsphere. Therehadalwaysbeen“reasons”forhisemotionalwithholding,suchasquarrelsanddifferencesofopinionorirreversiblefactssuchasJill’shavingbeenagirl.Everymember ofthefamilychosetoacceptthosereasonsaslegitimate ratherthantoexaminetheconsistentlydistantqualityof theirrelationshipswithhim.
Jillactuallyfoundithardertoacceptherfather’sbasic inabilitytolovethantocontinueinherself-blame.Aslong asthefaultwashers,therewasalsohope—thatsomedayshe couldchangeherselfsufficientlytobringaboutachangein him.
Itistrueforallofusthatwhenanemotionallypainful eventoccurs,andwetellourselvesitisourfault,weare actuallysayingthatwehavecontrolofit:ifwechange, thepainwillstop.Thisdynamicisbehindmuchofthe self-blameinwomenwholovetoomuch.Byblaming ourselves,weholdontothehopethatwewillbeable tofigureoutwhatwearedoingwrongandcorrectit, therebycontrollingthesituationandstoppingthepain.
ThispatterninJillbecameclearlyilluminatedduringa sessionsoonthereafterwhenshedescribedhermarriage.
Inexorablydrawntosomeonewithwhomshecouldrecreate theemotionallydeprivedclimateofhergrowing-upyears withherfather,hermarriagewasanopportunityforherto tryagaintowinwithheldlove.
AsJillrecountedhowshemetherhusband,Ithoughtof amaximI’dheardfromafellowtherapist:Hungrypeople makepoorshoppers.Desperatelyhungryforloveand approval,andfamiliarwithrejectionthoughneveridentifyingitassuch,JillwasdestinedtofindPaul.
Shetoldme,“Wemetinabar.Ihadbeenwashingmy clothesinalaundromatandwentnextdoorforafew minutes,tothissleazylittleplace.Paulwasshootingpool andaskedmeifIwantedtoplay.Isaidsure,andthat’show itstarted.Heaskedmeout.Isaidno,thatIdidn’tgoout withmenImetinbars.Well,hefollowedmebacktothe laundromatandjustkepttalkingtome.Ifinallygavehim myphonenumberandwewentoutthenextnight.
“Now,you’renotgoingtobelievethis,butweendedup livingtogethertwoweekslater.Hehadnowheretoliveand Ihadtomoveoutofmyapartment,sowegotaplace together.Andnoneofitwasthatgreat,notthesexorthe companionshiporanything.Butafterayearwentby,my motherwasgettingnervousaboutwhatIwasdoing,sowe gotmarried.”Jillwasshakingthosecurlsagain.
Inspiteofthiscasualbeginning,shesoonbecame obsessed.BecauseJillhadgrownuptryingtomakewhateverwaswrongright,shenaturallycarriedthatpatternof thinkingandbehavingintohermarriage.
“Itriedsohard.Imean,IreallylovedhimandIwasdeterminedtomakehimlovemeback.Iwasgoingtobethe perfectwife.Icookedandcleanedlikecrazy,andIwastrying togotoschool,too.Alotofthetimehedidn’twork.He wouldliearoundordisappearfordaysatatime.Thatwas hell,thewaitingandwondering.ButIlearnednottoask wherehehadbeenbecause...”Shehesitated,shiftinginthe
chair.“It’shardformetoadmitthis.IwassosureIcould makeitallworkifIjusttriedhardenough,butsometimes I’dgetangryafterhedisappearedandthenhe’dhitme.
“I’venevertoldanyoneaboutthisbefore.I’vealwaysbeen soashamed.Ijustneversawmyselfthatway,youknow?As someonewhowouldletherselfbehit.”
Jill’smarriageendedwhenherhusbandfoundanother womanononeofhisextendedabsencesfromhome.Inspite oftheagonythemarriagehadbecome,Jillwasdevastated whenPaulleft.
“Iknewthatwhoeverthewomanwas,shewaseverything Iwasn’t.IcouldactuallyseewhyPaulleftme.IfeltlikeI hadnothingtoofferhimoranyone.Ididn’tblamehimfor leavingme.Imean,afterall,Icouldn’tstandmeeither.”
MuchofmyworkwithJillwastohelpherunderstand thediseaseprocessinwhichshehadbeenimmersedforso long,heraddictiontodoomedrelationshipswithemotionallyunavailablemen.TheaddictiveaspectofJill’sbehavior inherrelationshipsparallelstheaddictiveuseofadrug.Early ineachofherrelationshipstherewasaninitial“high,”a feelingofeuphoriaandexcitementwhileshebelievedthat finallyherdeepestneedsforlove,attention,andemotional securitymightbemet.Believingthis,Jillbecamemoreand moredependentonthemanandtherelationshipinorder tofeelgood.Then,likeanaddictwhomustuseadrug moreasitproduceslesseffect,shewasdriventopursuethe relationshipharderasitgaveherlesssatisfactionandfulfillment.Tryingtosustainwhathadoncefeltsowonderful,so promising,Jillslavishlydoggedherman,needingmore contact,morereassurance,moreloveasshereceivedlessand less.Theworsethesituationbecame,theharderitwasto letgobecauseofthedepthofherneed.Shecouldnotquit.
Jillwastwenty-nineyearsoldwhenshefirstcametosee me.Herfatherhadbeendeadsevenyears,buthewasstill themostimportantmaninherlife.Inawayhewastheonly
maninherlife,becauseineveryrelationshipwithanother maletowhomshewasattracted,shewasreallyrelatingto herfather,stilltryingsoveryhardtowinlovefromthisman whocouldnot,becauseofhisownproblems,giveit.
Whenourchildhoodexperiencesareparticularlypainful, weareoftenunconsciouslycompelledtorecreatesimilar situationsthroughoutourlives,inadrivetogainmastery overthem.
Forinstance,ifwe,likeJill,lovedandneededaparent whodidnotrespondtous,weoftenbecomeinvolvedwith asimilarperson,oraseriesofthem,inadulthoodinan attemptto“win”theoldstruggletobeloved.Jillpersonifiedthisdynamicasshefoundherselfdrawntooneunsuitablemanafteranother.
Thereisanoldjokeaboutanearsightedmanwhohaslost hiskeyslateatnightandislookingforthembythelightof astreetlamp.Anotherpersoncomesalongandofferstohelp himlookbutaskshim,“Areyousurethisiswhereyoulost them?”Heanswers,“No,butthisiswherethelightis.”
Jill,likethemaninthestory,wassearchingforwhatwas missinginherlife,notwheretherewassomehopeoffinding it,butwhere,becauseshewasawomanwholovedtoo much,itwaseasiestforhertolook.
Throughoutthisbookwewillexplorewhatlovingtoo muchis,whywedoit,wherewelearnedit,andhowto changeourstyleoflovingintoahealthierwayofrelating. Let’slookagainatthecharacteristicsofwomenwholove toomuch,onebyonethistime.
1.Typically,youcomefromadysfunctionalhomeinwhich youremotionalneedswerenotmet.
Perhapsthebestwaytoapproachunderstandingthischaracteristicistobeginwiththesecondhalfofitfirst:“...in whichyouremotionalneedswerenotmet.”“Emotional
needs”doesnotreferonlytoyourneedsforloveandaffection.Althoughthataspectisimportant,evenmorecriticalis thefactthatyourperceptionsandfeelingswerelargelyignored ordeniedratherthanacceptedandvalidated.Anexample: Parentsarefighting.Childfeelsafraid.Childasksmother, “WhyareyoumadatDaddy?”Motheranswers,“I’mnot mad,”whilelookingangryandtroubled.Childnowfeels confused,moreafraid,andsays,“Iheardyoushouting.”Mother repliesangrily,“ItoldyouI’mnotmadbutI’mgoingtobe ifyoukeepthisup!”Childnowfeelsfear,confusion,anger, andguilt.Herparenthasimpliedthatherperceptionsare incorrect,butifthatistrue,wherearethesefeelingsoffear comingfrom?Thechildmustnowchoosebetweenknowing thatsheisrightandthatherparenthasdeliberatelyliedto her,orthinkingthatsheiswronginwhatshehears,sees,and feels.Shewilloftensettleforconfusion,tuningoutherperceptionssothatshedoesnothavetoexperiencethediscomfort ofhavingtheminvalidated.Thisimpairsachild’sabilityto trustherselfandherperceptions,bothinchildhoodandlater inadulthood,especiallyincloserelationships.
Needsforaffectionmayalsobedeniedorinsufficiently met.Whenparentsarefightingwitheachother,orcaught upinotherkindsofstruggles,theremaybelittletimeor attentionleftforthechildreninthefamily.Thisleavesachild hungryforlovewhilenotknowinghowtotrustitoraccept itandfeelingundeservingofit.
Nowforthefirstpartofthischaracteristic:comingfrom adysfunctionalhome.Dysfunctionalhomesarethosein whichoneormoreofthefollowingoccur:
abuseofalcoholand/orotherdrugs(prescribedor illicit)
compulsivebehaviorsuchascompulsiveeating, working,cleaning,gambling,spending,dieting,exercising,
andsoon;thesepracticesareaddictivebehaviors,aswell asprogressivediseaseprocesses;amongtheirmanyother harmfuleffects,theyeffectivelydisruptandpreventhonest contactandintimacyinafamily.
batteringofspouseand/orchildren
inappropriatesexualbehavioronthepartofaparent towardachild,rangingfromseductivenesstoincest constantarguingandtension
extendedperiodsoftimeinwhichparentsrefuseto speaktoeachother
parentswhohaveconflictingattitudesorvaluesor displaycontradictorybehaviorsthatcompetefortheir children’sallegiance
parentswhoarecompetitivewitheachotherorwith theirchildren
aparentwhocannotrelatetoothersinthefamily andthusactivelyavoidsthem,whileblamingthemfor thisavoidance
extremerigidityaboutmoney,religion,work,useof time,displaysofaffection,sex,television,housework, sports,politics,andsoon;obsessionwithanyofthesecan precludecontactandintimacy,becausetheemphasisis notonrelating,butonfollowingtherules.
Ifoneparentdisplaysanyofthesekindsofbehaviorsor obsessions,itisdamagingtoachild.Ifbothparentsare caughtupinanyoftheseunhealthypractices,theresults maybeevenmoredetrimental.Oftenparentspractice complementarykindsofpathology.Forinstance,analcoholicandacompulsiveeaterfrequentlywillmarry,andthen eachwillstruggletocontroltheother’saddiction.Parents
alsooftenbalanceeachotherinunhealthyways;whenthe smothering,overprotectivemotherismarriedtotheangry andrejectingfathereachparentisactuallyenabledbythe other’sbehaviorandattitudestocontinuerelatingtothe childreninadestructiveway.
Dysfunctionalfamiliescomeinmanystylesandvarieties, buttheyallshareoneeffecttheyhaveonchildrengrowing upinthem:thesechildrenaretosomeextentdamagedin theirabilitytofeelandrelate.
2.Havingreceivedlittlerealnurturingyourself,youtry tofillthisunmetneedvicariouslybybecomingacaregiver,especiallytomenwhoappearinsomewayneedy. Thinkabouthowchildren,especiallylittlegirls,behavewhen theyarelackingtheloveandattentiontheywantandneed. Whilealittleboymaybecomeangryandactoutwithdestructivebehaviorandfighting,moreoftenalittlegirlwillturn herattentiontoafavoritedoll.Rockingandsoothingit,and atsomelevelidentifyingwithit,thatlittlegirlisengagedin aroundaboutefforttoreceivethenurturingsheneeds.As adults,womenwholovetoomuchdothesamething,perhaps onlyslightlymoresubtly.Ingeneral,webecomecare-givers inmostifnotall,areasofourlives.Womenfromdysfunctionalhomes(andespecially,Ihaveobserved,fromalcoholic homes)areoverrepresentedinthehelpingprofessions,working asnurses,counselors,therapists,andsocialworkers.Weare drawntothosewhoareneedy,compassionatelyidentifying withtheirpainandseekingtorelieveitinordertoameliorateourown.Thatthemenwhoattractusmoststronglyare thosewhoappeartobeneedymakessenseifweunderstand thatitisourownwishtobelovedandhelpedthatisatthe rootoftheattraction.
Amanwhoappealstousneednotnecessarilybepennilessorinillhealth.Perhapsheisunabletorelatewellto
others,oriscoldandunaffectionate,orstubbornorselfish, orsulkingormelancholy.Maybeheisabitwildandirresponsible,orunabletomakeacommitmentorbefaithful. Ormaybehetellsushehasneverbeenabletoloveanyone. Dependingonourownbackground,wewillrespondto differentvarietiesofneediness.Butrespondwewill,withthe convictionthatthismanneedsourhelp,ourcompassion,and ourwisdominordertoimprovehislife.
3.Becauseyouwereneverabletochangeyourparent(s) intothewarm,lovingcaretaker(s)youlongedfor,you responddeeplytothefamiliartypeofemotionallyunavailablemanwhomyoucanagaintrytochangethrough yourlove.
Perhapsyourstrugglewaswithoneparent,perhapswith both.Butwhateverwaswrongormissingorpainfulinthe pastiswhatyouaretryingtomaketurnoutrightinthe present.
Nowitbeginstobeapparentthatsomethingveryunwholesomeandself-defeatingisgoingon.Itwouldbefineifwe broughtalloursympathy,compassion,andunderstandinginto relationshipswithhealthymen,menwithwhomtherewas somehopeofgettingourownneedsmet.Butwearenot attractedtohealthymenwhocouldgiveuswhatweneed. Theyseemboringtous.Weareattractedtomenwhoreplicateforusthestruggleweenduredwithourparents,when wetriedtobegoodenough,lovingenough,worthyenough, helpfulenough,andsmartenoughtowinthelove,attention, andapprovalfromthosewhocouldnotgiveuswhatwe needed,becauseoftheirownproblemsandpreoccupations. Nowweoperateasthoughlove,attention,andapprovaldon’t countunlessweareabletoextractthemfromamanwhois alsounabletoreadilygivethemtous,becauseofhisown problemsandpreoccupations.
4.Terrifiedofabandonment,youwilldoanythingtokeep arelationshipfromdissolving.
Abandonmentisaverystrongword.Itimpliesbeingleft,possibly todie,becausewemaynotbeabletosurvivealone.Thereis literalabandonment,andthereisemotionalabandonment.Every womanwholovestoomuchhasatleastexperiencedprofound emotionalabandonment,withalltheterrorandemptinessthat implies.Asanadult,beingleftbyamanwhorepresentsinso manywaysthosepeoplewhofirstabandonedusbringsupall theterroragain.Ofcourse,wewoulddoanythingtoavoid feelingthatwayagain.Whichleadsintothenextcharacteristic.
5.Almostnothingistoomuchtrouble,takestoomuch time,oristooexpensiveifitwill“help”themanyouare involvedwith.
Thetheorybehindallthishelpingisthatifitworks,the manwillbecomeeverythingyouwantandneedhimtobe, whichmeansthatyouwillwinthatstruggletogainwhat you’vewantedsomuchforsolong.
So,whileweareoftenfrugalandevenself-denyingon ourownbehalf,wewillgotoanylengthstohelphim. Someofoureffortsonhisbehalfinclude
buyinghimclothestoimprovehisself-image findingatherapistforhimandbegginghimtogo
financingexpensivehobbiestohelphimusehistime better
goingthroughdisruptivegeographicrelocations because“he’snothappyhere”
givinghimhalforallofourpropertyandpossessions sohewon’tfeelinferiortous
