Cultivate, Not Discriminate

Editor’s Letter

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another edition of Script of Virtue Magazine, a publication dedicated to raising awareness, offering support, and fostering hope in the lives of survivors and advocates of domestic violence. We are honored to have you join us on this journey of empowerment and healing.

As we turn the pages of this issue, we delve deep into the heart of the matter—the stories, struggles, and triumphs of survivors and the unwavering efforts of those working to end domestic violence. In these pages, you will find:

Survivor Stories: The stories of incredible individuals who have shown tremendous resilience in the face of adversity. Their journeys inspire us and remind us of the strength within us all.

Expert Guidance: Expert advice and steps in how to be triumpant over the provoking topic. How to escape, recover and get back to your old self.

Poetry and Therapy: Voices of authors who have created inspiration and deep therapy through the arts, to fight against the hurt and bruises of our survivors.

In the fight against domestic violence, knowledge is power. It’s essential to continue educating ourselves and our communities about the signs, consequences, and prevention of this pervasive issue. By doing so, we contribute to breaking the cycle and creating a world where love and respect prevail.

We understand that discussing domestic violence can be difficult and painful, but it is only through open dialogue that we can shine a light on the darkness. Together, we can offer support, share stories, and extend compassion to those affected.

As we explore the contents of this magazine, I encourage you to reflect on how you can be a part of the solution. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend in need, volunteering with an organization, or simply listening without judgment, every action matters.

Thank you for joining us in this important endeavor. Together, we can create a world free from the shackles of domestic violence—a world where every individual is treated with dignity, respect, and love.

Warm regards,

Tracey Nosakhare Author/Entrepreneur Radio Host Italy

The Greatest Gift Love

Love suffers long and is kind

Love does not envy

Love does not parade itself

Love is not puffed up

Love does not behave rudely

Love does not seek its own

Love is not provoked

Love thinks no evil

Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth

Love bears all things believes all things hopes all things endures all things

Love never fails

Marriage is often portrayed as a fairy tale filled with love, happiness, and eternal bliss. While it’s true that marriage can be incredibly rewarding, it also comes with its fair share of challenges. Some of these challenges are well-known and openly discussed, such as communication issues and financial struggles. However, there are hidden challenges in marriage that often catch couples off guard. In this article, we will explore five of these hidden challenges, shedding light on the less-talked-about aspects of married life. One of the most common hidden challenges in marriage is unrealistic expectations. Often fueled by societal pressure, movies, and social media, couples may enter marriage with idealized visions of their partner and the relationship. When reality doesn’t match these lofty expectations, disappointment and frustration can set in. It’s important for couples to communicate openly about their expectations and work together to create a shared vision of their marriage that is grounded in reality.

Marriage involves merging two lives into one, but it’s essential to maintain a sense of individuality and independence. Many couples struggle with this hidden challenge as they navigate the delicate balance between togetherness and personal space. It’s crucial for partners to continue pursuing their interests, friendships, and personal growth while also nurturing the marital bond. Failing to strike this balance can lead to feelings of suffocation and loss of self-identity.

5 HIDDEN CHALLENGES IN MARRIAGES

While the honeymoon phase is characterized by passion and desire, maintaining a satisfying level of intimacy in a long-term marriage can be challenging. Couples often encounter periods of decreased physical intimacy due to various factors such as stress, health issues, or simply the passage of time. It’s vital to openly communicate with your partner about your desires and work together to reignite the flame of intimacy. Ignoring this challenge can lead to feelings of neglect and distance.

Many couples enter marriage without fully realizing the impact that parenting and family dynamics can have on their relationship. The challenges

of raising children, managing differing parenting styles, and dealing with in-laws can strain a marriage. It’s essential for couples to discuss their parenting philosophies, set boundaries with extended family, and ensure they maintain a strong partnership amidst the demands of parenthood.

Over time, individual priorities and life goals can evolve, leading to hidden challenges in a marriage. What once aligned perfectly may no longer be the case. Couples may find themselves at a crossroads, with one partner wanting to pursue a new career, move to a different location, or make other significant life changes. These shifts in

priorities can create tension and require thoughtful communication and compromise to navigate successfully.

Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it’s essential to acknowledge and address the hidden challenges that can arise along the way. Unrealistic expectations, issues related to identity and independence, intimacy struggles, parenting dynamics, and shifting priorities are all aspects of married life that can catch couples off guard. However, with open communication, mutual support, and a willingness to work together, couples can overcome these challenges and build a strong, lasting marriage that withstands the test of time.

Just as a garden requires tending, nurturing, and care to flourish, so does a romantic relationship. In the busy hustle and bustle of modern life, it’s easy for couples to lose sight of the need to cultivate their connection. This article explores the art of cultivation in relationships, offering insights and practical tips for nurturing love, intimacy, and growth.Effective communication forms the bedrock of any successful relationship. Take time to really listen to your partner, express your thoughts and feelings honestly, and strive for understanding.

Plant the seed of love. Life can get hectic, but making time for each other is vital. Schedule regular date nights or simply carve out moments for meaningful conversations and shared activities. Don’t forget to show gratitude for the little things. Express appreciation for your partner’s efforts,

Cultivation

kindness, and support. It can be as simple as saying “thank you.” Keep the spark alive by surprising each other with thoughtful gestures. It could be a handwritten note, a favorite meal, or a surprise weekend getaway.

Tend to the garden. Just as weeds can invade a garden, conflicts can arise in a relationship. Learn healthy conflict resolution techniques, focusing on understanding each other’s perspective and finding mutually acceptable solutions.

Trust is the soil in which a relationship grows. Be open and honest with your partner, and foster an environment where trust can thrive.

In a garden, stakes are used to support growing plants. Similarly, support and encourage your partner’s dreams and ambitions. Be their biggest cheerleader.

While togetherness is crucial, it’s also important for each partner to maintain their individuality and interests. Cultivate a sense of self while growing as a couple.

Prune and weed. Just as dead leaves need to be pruned, harboring resentment can harm your relationship. Learn to forgive and let go of past grievances.

Identify and eliminate toxic behaviors or patterns that may be damaging your relationship. Seek professional help if necessary.

Cultivate personal growth within yourself and encourage it in your partner. A relationship benefits when both individuals continue to learn and evolve.

Harvest the fruits of your labor. Celebrate your achievements and milestones as a couple. Reflect on how far you’ve come together. Remember that the journey itself is valuable. Embrace the ups and downs as opportunities for growth and learning. Continuously renew your commitment to each other. Relationships, like gardens, require ongoing care and attention.

Cultivating a fulfilling and lasting relationship is an ongoing, intentional process. Just as a well-tended garden yields beautiful flowers and bountiful fruits, a nurtured relationship blooms with love, connection, and growth. By sowing the seeds of love, tending to your emotional garden, and occasionally pruning away negativity, you can cultivate a relationship that thrives through the seasons of life.

Hands are made to cultivate, not to discrminate.

BY SHANA W. GOURDINE

As you gaze into the mirror, you see a person who didn’t know themselves. Looking into your soul, you realize it’s empty due to not fulfilling your purpose. Examining your heart, you feel empty and lost, wondering how much of you has remained invisible to yourself.

You walk around, unable to comprehend the pain, frustration, and disappointment you carry about yourself. The misery you feel, not believing you deserve love or compassion from those you care about. This pain has been deep and long-lasting, making you question your own worth. As your eyes open, all you feel is pain and self-disgust, believing the hurtful words spoken to you. You loathe yourself for allowing people to enter your life and destroy your soul. Walking around feeling lost, alone, sad, and unhappy, you’re in one of the darkest spaces an individual can be when they feel invisible to the world, to their own soul, and even to themselves. It feels as though you don’t deserve to be here.

You’ve been a woman who endured verbal, mental, physical, and emotional abuse throughout your trauma. It has been your most challenging test, emptying your soul to the point where you didn’t want to live anymore. Finding your voice to stand up for yourself seemed impossible, and you regret the pain endured in the pursuit of love from those who made you feel invisible. You continue to seek understanding for the reasons behind the pain and storms in your life.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”

Proverbs 31:25

Often, life doesn’t go as planned. You had dreams of a happy family, children, a husband, and a great job, but that’s not how it happened. After being in a relationship for three years, you found yourself in a state of depression, hurt, PTSD, and anxiety. You went through not one but two toxic rela-

tionships that almost broke you. You were young and naive, blinded by love, and you held on to the idea of a perfect family. But love is not supposed to hurt.

As a small-town girl from Cross, SC, with no family in the big city of New York, you had to let go of a controlling and toxic relationship for the sake of your children. You encountered health problems and a myriad of conditions that seemed overwhelming. You questioned why this was happening to you, feeling defeated and heartbroken. Eventually, you realized you had a role in your own self-sabotage, trying to fill the void with painful love and toxic relationships. You sought therapy to address past trauma and disconnect within yourself. Seeking help from a therapist or a minister isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a step towards healing and growth.

You made the decision to go to therapy and better yourself for your sake, your kids, and your family. You’ve elevated your mindset, found peace, and forgiven yourself for the past. You’ve become an inspiration, proof that there is life after trauma. You know your worth and that you’re loved unconditionally. You’ve refused to let conditions, trauma, and tragedy break you beyond repair. When life throws lemons your way, you make lemonade. Use your story to help others rise above their tragedy. Your story is tied to your healing, strength, and courage. Never give up on yourself and your dreams above all else.

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense.”

Isaiah 12:2

Meet Shana W. Gourdine, a Domestic Survivor from Troy, New York. She is the author of several books and poetry from her journey, including The Mask Behind the Mask, Unveiled Pieces of a Broken Mask, Words Speak Hurt No More, Women Who Pray, and a spoken word album Rose in Darkness of Love and Winning Way.

3WAYS TO ESCAPE AN ABUSER

Escaping an abusive relationship is a courageous and life-changing decision. Abuse can manifest in various forms, including physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse. It’s crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being when considering leaving an abuser. Here are three important ways to escape an abuser and start on the path to healing and recovery.

Seek Support from Trusted Individuals

One of the most crucial steps in escaping an abusive relationship is reaching out to friends, family members, or support networks who can help you. Abusers often isolate their victims, making it challenging to ask for help. Consider consulting with a therapist, counselor, or social worker who specializes in domestic abuse. Breaking this isolation is essential.

Create a Safety Plan

Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous, so it’s essential to create a safety plan. This plan should outline steps to protect yourself during and after the escape. Here are some key components: Secure Important Documents, establish a safe place, change locks and phone numbers to prevent unwanted contact. Let someone you trust know your plans and whereabouts. Create a code word or signal to use with them if you need help discreetly.

Involve Law Enforcement and Legal Support

In some cases, involving law enforcement and legal support may be necessary for your safety and protection. If you feel threatened, consider seeking a restraining order or protection order against your abuser. This legal document can provide a legal barrier between you and the abuser. If you have evidence of physical abuse, harassment, or threats, report it to the police. Document incidents, take photos of injuries, and keep any relevant messages or emails as evidence. If your situation involves complex legal matters such as divorce, child custody, or property disputes, consult an attorney specializing in family law. They can help you navigate the legal process and protect you.

BREAKING THE SILENCE:

Domestic Violence and Its Effect on Our Children

Domestic violence is a pervasive and deeply troubling issue that affects millions of individuals and families worldwide. While the immediate victims of domestic violence suffer physical, emotional, and psychological trauma, there’s another group often overlooked— the children who witness these acts of violence within their homes. The exposure to such traumatic events can have profound and long-lasting effects on children, shaping their lives in ways that are often tragic and far-reaching.

Domestic violence, encompassing physical, emotional, verbal, and economic abuse, occurs across all demographics and socio-economic backgrounds. It is not confined to a specific gender, age group, or social class. Victims of domestic violence often suffer in silence, fearing retaliation or judgment from society. However, it is crucial to recognize that when violence occurs within a household, it rarely remains hidden from the innocent eyes and ears of children.

Witnessing acts of violence between parents or caregivers can leave children with deep emotional scars. They may experience anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These psychological wounds can persist into adulthood, affecting their mental well-being and making it challenging to form healthy relationships. Children exposed to domestic violence may come to view such behavior as normal. This normalization can perpetuate a cycle of abuse, as they may become either victims or perpetrators of violence in their own relationships later in life.

They may struggle with anger, aggression, substance abuse, and difficulty in school. Such problems can disrupt their social development and limit their future opportunities. The stress resulting from living in an abusive environment can also harm a child’s physical health. Chronic stress has been linked to various health issues, including cardiovascular problems, obesity, and weakened immune function. The danger of domestic violence extends far beyond its immediate victims. Children who witness such violence suffer silently, enduring psychological and emotional trauma that can affect them throughout their lives. It is our collective responsibility to break the cycle of violence, offer support to victims, and create a society where every child grows up in a safe and nurturing environment.

Children are an heritage of the Lord.

Childhood trauma can stay with a person straight to adulthood.

Voice of a Broken Woman

Look at her, no, look at her Look closely at her , what do you see?

By Tracey Nosakhare

There’s a microscopic vision that is narrowed on her You see the scars? The see those holes?

Look closely at her, there’s something you aren’t seeing Keep looking.

Look at her expression, the direction of her face You see her mouth? Do you hear what she is saying? Look again. Watch the movements of her hands Where do they go? Do they seem nervous?

There is something about her eyes. What are they saying? Are they changing colours? Are they red?

Are you sensing anything else? Keep looking

The atmosphere is changing. Her mood is shifting I sense fire!

I sense that something is about to explode

I sense that her image is not what I see on the surface I just think that something is destroying her.

Her tone is not the same

Her words are all over the place Her voice is raising, louder and louder! Her hands are shaking .

Her expression is crying out for attention

Obviously you’re not looking close enough.

Obviously you’re not listening

Obviously you’re focusing on the surface

Obviously something else is blocking your understanding

Obviously you’re misinterpreting.

You see, she has been speaking , she has been expressing She has been demonstrating what she’s feeling

But you just look on the surface.

She wants you to see her

She wants you to recognize her She wants you to know her

She wants you to understand her.

She wants you to get her before she explains She wants you to become familiar with her so you don’t do the same.

Hey bro, look closely at her Not the physical features, Not the makeup

Not the hair.

Look at her heart

Hear when she screams

Understands her language

Comfort her.

Do what she expects you to do

Tell her she’s virtuous

Console her wildest thoughts

Know she’s not pretentious,

There is a voice that she speaks Its filled with wisdom and knowledge

She bears the fruits of the Spirit.

Her ways aren’t restless

Her focus stays only at home

Her characters are approved by God.

Now look closely at her again

Do you hear that voice?

Its a voice of meekness

A voice of understanding

Its a faithful voice that came from a broken woman.

8 WAYS TO OVERCOME TRAUMA

Trauma can have a profound impact on an individual’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Whether it’s the result of a single shocking event or prolonged exposure to distressing circumstances, overcoming trauma is possible with the right approach. In this article, we will explore eight effective ways to help individuals on their journey to healing and recovery.

Seek professional help. The first and most crucial step in overcoming trauma is to seek professional help. A trained therapist or counselor can provide the necessary guidance and support to navigate the complex emotions and reactions associated with trauma. Therapy techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) have proven effective in treating trauma-related conditions.

Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Mindfulness meditation and relaxation exercises can help individuals manage the physical and emotional symptoms of trauma. These techniques promote self-awareness, reduce stress, and improve emotional regulation. Regular practice can contribute to a sense of calm and stability. This could be reading a book, or simply taking a rest.

Develop a support system. Building a strong support system is vital in the healing process. Reach out to friends and family who can provide a listening ear, empathy, and encouragement. Support groups, both in-person and online, can also be valuable sources of connection with individuals who have experienced similar traumas.

Express yourself. Keeping feelings bottled up can intensify trauma-related distress. It’s essential to find healthy ways to express emotions. Journaling, creative arts, and even talking openly with a trusted friend can be cathartic and aid in processing difficult emotions.

Establish a routine.

Creating a daily routine can provide structure and stability, which can be especially helpful when dealing with trauma. A predictable schedule can help individuals regain a sense of control over their lives and reduce anxiety.

Focus on self-care.

Prioritizing self-care is crucial for healing. This includes getting adequate sleep, maintaining a balanced diet, and engaging in regular physical activity. Taking care of your physical health can significantly impact your emotional well-being.

Challenge negative beliefs. Trauma often leads to negative self-beliefs and distorted thinking patterns. It’s important to challenge and reframe these beliefs with the help of a therapist.

Replacing negative thoughts with more constructive and realistic ones can foster a healthier self-image.

Set realistic goals. Setting achievable goals can provide a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Start with small, manageable tasks and gradually work your way up to more significant challenges. Celebrate each achievement along the way to boost your self-esteem and motivation.

Overcoming trauma is a unique journey for each individual, and there is no onesize-fits-all approach. It requires patience, resilience, and a commitment to self-improvement. Remember that healing takes time, and it’s essential to be compassionate with yourself along the way.

Letters from Domestic Survivors

Dear Editor,

One morning, I woke up early feeling like I had a fight in my dream and was defeated. My ears were ringing, my heart was palpitating, my neck was aching, and I had a headache. I pulled out my journal and recorded all of my feelings. Later that day, I went shopping with my sister.

I was hearing voices and things were moving in slow motion. It was like I could hear every conversation in the store. She took me home immediately to rest. Early that evening, I was on the phone, writing in my journal, and watching tv. I ended the conversation with my friend because I found myself falling asleep which was unusual for me to be that exhausted so early in the evening. This was on a Saturday.

When I woke up, it was Thursday.(Thanksgiving) I knew who I was, and I knew who my sister was. After a few minutes, I recognized that I was in the hospital, but I had no idea why I was there. I thought I might have been in a car accident. But that was not at all the case. I had a mild stroke, thirteen seizures in one day, and a baby. I had no knowledge of any of this.

I didn’t even remember being pregnant. The bad dream was not a bad dream, I was having nocturnal seizures. Falling asleep on the phone was not me falling asleep on the phone, I was having a seizure. So there I was, lying in a cold room on a hard hospital bed trying to make sense of it. I felt like this new life had thrust itself upon me.

Along the ride home from hospital, I was looking out the window having no idea where I lived. Everything was eerie.

I remembered my children who were home waiting for me. But, I didn’t know who I was. My boyfriend, father of my children was quiet…strangely quiet during that particular channel in my life. I wasn’t moving around much due to the ceserean section and the seizure medication.

One day, not long after I was released from the hospital, the baby was crying. His father looked at him and yelled for him to shut up. I was shocked. He left the house shortly after. I couldn’t wait! This was finally my chance to get to my journal and find out who I was…and so it was discovered. I was in an abusive relationship and I hated my life because of it. And all of what happened to me was proof.

For the next four years, I lived in a personal hell. I wore plastic smiles so the world had no idea about his fits of rage, and how much the children and I suffered because of them. He had beaten me with a belt on my legs and bottom until I was black and blue and could barely step down onto the floor…all while pregnant. He physically threw me out of the house as I wore nothing but a robe and t-shirt in 30 degree weather for no reason. I had to run to the phone booth to call for help with no socks or shoes on my feet. One time he held me hostage at gunpoint begging for me to shoot him. It’s a good thing that I didn’t have the courage. He threatened to kill me and the chidren if I didn’t stay with him. I hid black eyes with hair extensions. I often slept in my clothes just in case he took whatever frustrations he had out on me. I masked bruises with clothing wearing long sleeve shirts when the heat was unbearable. At this point, the hope for love was silenced by his hatred and cruelty.

I had heard the question dozens of time. “Why won’t you just leave?” My answer changed over the years. At first it was, “He’s going through so much right now. Things will change.” And then it was, “I want my children to have a father.” And then it was, “I don’t think I can do this alone.” It took one response from the right person to catapult me into the opposite direction. She told me that I was already doing it alone. And it was at that time when it all became real in its consequences. The interpretation of that situation by my friend caused action. I won’t lie to you and pretend that it was easy. It took for me to be holding a part of my vagina… the part he ripped off… in my hand to know that it was the right time for the last time. June 2023 marked 21 years,

Dear Reader,

You have achieved a tremendous accomplishment! Today, you woke up a survivor! Congratulations!

Doris AC Johnson MA of Psy, ABA Domestic Survivor

Dear Editor,

Iwasa victim of a domestic violence assault in 2019. The person raped and strangled me almost to death. My neighbour witnessed the assault and shouted for him to let me go, ultimately saving my life.

I was put on medical disability because of the severity of my assault, where I lost my memory and couldn’t work. I have damage to my spine on all levels, both optic nerves are damaged causing a diagnosis of glaucoma and I’ve been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and the first stages of multiple sclerosis.

I’ve become a domestic violence activist helping other women who need support in court, with protection orders, divorce cases and maintenance. I also help with exit plans to safely leave their abuser. I do this for free.

My advise to abused woman, whether verbal, psychological or physical, seek out professional help as soon as possible, report every incident to your local police and keep photographic evidence. Keep documenting the abuse. Always bear in mind, the most dangerous time for the victim is the first 48 - 72 hours after leaving the abuser. Always ensure your safety at all times and find support whenever you need. You are strong, brave and courageous for standing up and speaking up!

I currently run a weekly online domestic violence support group, held each Wednesday at 1pm.

Nicole Stephens Domestic Survovor

Dear Survivor,

Iwantyou to know that you are stronger and more resilient than you may realize. The path you’ve walked has been incredibly challenging, and the scars you bear are a testament to your courage and endurance. As you continue your journey towards healing and empowerment, I offer you these words of motivation:

You are not alone. Remember that you are not alone in this journey. There are people who care about you, support you, and want to see you thrive. Reach out to friends, family, support groups, or professionals who can provide the help and guidance you need.

Your strength is admirable. Surviving domestic violence is a testament to your incredible strength. You have faced adversity head-on, and you have the inner resilience to overcome it. Never underestimate the power within you. It’s okay to seek help. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. There is no shame in reaching out to counselors, therapists, or support organizations. These resources can provide you with the tools and strategies to heal and rebuild your life.

You deserve love and respect. Know that you deserve love, respect, and happiness. No one has the right to harm you physically, emotionally, or mentally. Believe in your worth and value as a person.Your future can be bright.Your past does not define your future. With determination and effort, you can shape a future filled with joy, purpose, and fulfillment. Set goals, dream big, and take small steps toward your aspirations.

Prioritize self-care. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is not selfish; it’s necessary for your recovery.

Make time for activities that bring you peace and happiness.

Believe in your resilience. You have already demonstrated incredible resilience by surviving what you’ve endured. Trust in your ability to heal, grow, and rebuild your life. Celebrate every small victory, as they add up to significant progress. Whether it’s a day of peace, a step toward independence, or a moment of self-acceptance, acknowledge and honor your achievements.

You are a survivor, not a victim. Reframe your self-image from being a victim to being a survivor. You have the strength to overcome your past and create a brighter future. Your voice matters. Your story has power, and your voice matters. By sharing your experiences, you can inspire others, raise awareness, and contribute to breaking the cycle of domestic violence.

Remember, your journey of healing is unique, and it may have its ups and downs. There is hope, and there is a future filled with love, happiness, and fulfillment waiting for you. Keep moving forward, step by step, and never forget the incredible strength and resilience that reside within you.

You are not defined by your past, but rather by the courage and determination with which you shape your future. Keep believing in yourself, for you are a survivor, and your potential is boundless.

With unwavering support,

Tracey Nosakhare

MADE TO CULTIVATE, NOT TO DISCRIMINATE.

- Lady Tracey (Author/Radio Host)