Winter 2018

THE

SALTERRAE Winter 2018

THE SALTERRAE Wi nte r 2 0 1 8 EDITOR IN CHIEF Anna Trikas

SENIOR DESIGN EDITOR/TREASURER Sydney Bradshaw

SENIOR COPY EDITOR Ethan Raymond

DESIGN EDITORS Mattea Powell Susha Guan Kira James

Columnists Con’t Angela Gu Annie MacKillican Madeline Keizer Billie Rose Owen

COPY EDITORS Charlie Jupp-Adams Julianne de Gara Tiffany Leung CONTRIBUTORS Columnists Billie Rose Owen Avneet Sharma Isaac Wright Neve Klassen Sarah Sgambelluri Mary Debono & Thomas Robson Allegra Wiesenfeld Emily Larman

Staff Writers Phil Schwartz Aisha Ryan Alex McKeever Kate Reeve Art & Photography Max Robson Heather Nichols Alexandra Portoraro Jenny Qian Clare O’Brien

From the Editors...

Members of College, Love is in the air - and not just because of Kylie Jenner’s highly acclaimed pregnancy video.

Conversat has come and gone, and with it, any embarrassing memories of drunken conversations with profs and alumni. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, Trinity’s large population of singles is on edge. Those of you who think you ruined your shot at love this past Conversat will have a second chance to prove yourselves worthy to that special someone.

Whether you puked on their shoes or forgot to pull the moves at all, make sure to make those Feb. 14th plans special. It isn’t often that you get a day entirely devoted to lovey-dovey cheesiness, so use it to your advantage. If you’re looking for unique and memorable date ideas, be sure to check out Allegra’s “Bopping around TOwn: Post-Conversat Edition,” and Isaac’s “A Steamy Romantic Picnic.” They certainly won’t let you down.

To those of you who have decided to give up on the possibility of Trincest: good decision. That’s what Pal-entine’s Day is for.

Take a look at Phil Schwarz’s, “A Philistine’s Guide to Valentine’s Day,” for a V-Day itinerary, as well as inspiration for some special drink recipes. If you find yourself feeling lonely, catch this edition of “Askneet,” for humorous and uplifting advice.

And if you feel like reading about someone else’s awkward date instead of experiencing your own, Mary and Thom’s, “How to Lose a Valentine in 10 Minutes” is the article for you.

We hope you seriously consult this issue of the Salterrae before making any V-Day plans. So happy reading, friends. And make sure to send anything you’d like us to publish to salterrae.trinitycollege@gmail.com.

Stay Salty,

Anna, Sydney, and Ethan

IN THIS ISSUE...

Ta b l e o f C o n t e n t s

4

The Conversailles Ball

Let Them Eat Cake (and Pizza Pizza)

By Neve Klassen

6

A History of Conversat

By Nicholas Ferreira, Esme Lafleur,

Aisha Ryan, and Ursula Carmichael

7

A Fractured Mosiac: How You Can Help

By Aisha Ryan

16

A Love Story For My Busted Brain

By Lorraina Roth

18

Film Review: Call Me By Your Name

By Emily Larman

19

Spring is Coming

By Kate Reeve

20

Phil of Advice

8

A Philistine’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

By Madeline Keizer

22

Quiz: How to Channel Your Inevitable Frustration this Valentine’s Day

11

How to Lose a Valentine in Ten Minutes

By Mary & Thom

12

A Fashionista’s Guide to a Red-Hot Valentines Day

By Billie Rose Owen

14

Bopping Around TOwn Post-Conversat Edition

By Allegra Wiesenfeld

15

Betches for Salterrae

By A & B

By Emily Larman

A Steamy Romantic Picnic

By Isaac Wright

23

Askneet

By Avneet Sharma

26

Trumpdate

Must Love Trump

By Annie MacKillican

28

Strachan Hacks

By Angela Gu

30

Horoscopes

By Sarah Sgambelluri

3

l l a B s e l l i a s r e v n o C e Th

e k a C t a E m e h T Let ) a z z i P a z z i P (and

By Neve Klassen After a very bleak midwinter, the Conversat Ball comes about right when the days start getting longer and spring is in sight. It was with this spirit that Kickoff and Conversat were held, complete with a floral aesthetic and a pastel colour scheme. Kickoff was a fun and flirty dance party in Seeley that served saltwater taffy alongside the pizza, which was a game changer.

There should be bonbons at every event from now on, not just the French ones. I did wonder whether or not it was a metaphor to put a headless statue where the beloved bar used to be but it was probably my imagination. Anyways, it was a classic preamble to the main event - maybe you got a date and maybe you didn’t, but the vibes were good either way!

This year’s Conversat diverged from recent traditions and returned to the older format. Starting with a cocktail dinner at 6:30, the main event only went on until midnight, arguably a cooler and more dramatic hour

than 2 am. Midnight has a certain je ne sais quoi. 2 am is when the bar closes, but midnight is when Cinderella loses her shoe and her ride. And of course, there were after-parties that went into the wee hours of the early morning. It was weird that we were essentially trapped in Strachan, but I’ll try to be positive again: everyone got really cozy and was at the party at the same time, which was pleasant. The guests were dressed to the nines. The food and drinks were a highlight; the regular drink menu also sported champagne and whisky sours. The hors d’oeuvres were very tasty and not at all like the sit down high table I was expecting, which may have detracted from the mingling opportunities presented by the alumni and admin in the crowd. Alumni were present during the dinner hour which was a big change. Personally, I did not know they were going to be there so I didn’t do as much mingling as one might have, as I had already started drinking. To someone with more forethought and motivation though, this

would have been a nice addition to the swanky vibe.

Was it done strategically to limit alcohol consumption?

Maybe. But oh well.

Thankfully, the alumni knew to clear out before the DJ replaced the big band. The 22-piece band is always a big hit and was in good form this year. They played a lot of elevator music, but maybe it was just jazz that I don’t understand. They were at their most fun with “Sweet Caroline,” and their Michael Buble lineup. So, it was a nice mash up of old-fashioned Conversat with a focus on finger food and conversation with your elders, and more recent Conversat traditions, like dancing Flo Rida’s “Low,” and eating potato chips. I love them equally.

Additionally, I cannot give a higher compliment than this: the lighting was perfect. It’s arguably the most important element of any event and deceptively easy to do right. The red lighting combined with the mirrors, the gold accents, the flowers, the balloons, and the red carpet was just garish enough and very, very fun.

In the JCR, the photo booth was dramatically staged and very plush. Instagram thanks the deco team and to Max Robson. I personally apologize to Max Robson for making him take drunk solo pictures of me and almost dropping his camera. He’s the hero we do not

deserve at this college.

It’s an interesting feeling to walk into a transformed Strachan Hall and feel like you are appearing at French court. It’s also a testament to the exec that I was able to forget that we were in the same quotidian room that I make smoothies in. This, the pinnacle of Trinity College formality, is kind of why a lot of us picked this college in the first place. Versailles, an out of touch, slightly anachronistic old castle of debauchery and excess that manages to make it fashion, is almost too applicable a metaphor for this college. But sometimes it’s fun to lean into the Trinity College superiority complex and call it satire. As was (I think) the case for Conversailles.

As Conversat week draws to a close, I’m trying to see the premonition of springtime in the floral arrangements at Conversat and Kickoff, and remember that warm weather is not so far away! And neither is the end of the year. Events this year have been, at times, difficult to report on, but seeing friends and making friends at the events that we did hold has been a pleasure as always! One way or another, it has been an event-full year!

5

A History of Conversat

By Nicholas Ferreira, Esme Lafleur, Aisha Ryan, and Ursula Carmichael

The first Conversazione is rumoured to have been held in 1869 in the Convocation Hall of Old Trinity, which was previously located in Trinity Bellwoods. In its original form, Conversat was described as a “partly social, partly artistic” event that included walking and chatting with your date, attending a performance of music from the choir or Glee club, an “inspired performance” of the Marseillaise, a few orchestra pieces, and a display of artwork in the corridors of the college. The concert was typically followed by a lecture.

In its heyday, Conversat was the social event of the year for Canada’s elite. It used to be commonplace for ministers, and even lesser known members of the Royal Family to attend.

This version of Conversat is a far cry from the event that we have become accustomed to — namely a blurry night of Trinity students trying to dance around Strachan with various degrees of success, and frequent pauses to assault the pizza table.

Conversat became Trinity’s most illustrious social event with the attendance of the Governor General in 1891, which attracted 1400 people. For several years after, tickets for Conversat were sold for 100 miles around.

After a short hiatus in 1898, Conversat revamped the following year and included twenty-two dances ending at 2:30 am. The formal was attended by distinguished members of Toronto’s social scene and was considered a highly anticipated event of the city’s formal season. So this year we wanted to bring back a feeling of the Conversats of old by reverting back to some of the traditions that

have been lost in recent years. It’s for that reason that we decided to start off the evening with a cocktail dinner and social that preceded the Metro Big Band.

We believe that this addition to the evening will distinguish Conversat from the other social events throughout the year, making for an even more memorable night.

Though the Conversat we’ve all come to know today is quite radically different from the one students experienced years ago, it remains one of the quintessential and most appreciated social events in our community. It is something that brings this college together, and part of the reason for that is all the history that surrounds it. There is something nostalgic about walking into a transformed Strachan Hall while a twenty-two piece jazz band cranks out tunes that none of us have any business knowing the words to, but do. While the 135th Conversazione was a little different than last year’s event, we hope you enjoyed Conversailles. After all, it is the students in Trinity’s community who will make our years here memorable.

So on behalf of your co-chairs, thank you for coming out to the 135th Conversazione!

A Fractured Mosaic Part 3:

How You Can Help

By Aisha Ryan

During the initial months of my first year at Trinity, I was enamored with everything that the college had to offer.

I had a sparkle in my eye and a bounce in my step, and I could not imagine why anyone would ever want to leave. I looked forward to coming back to Toronto after Thanksgiving and other long weekends, and often regaled my friends from Ottawa with stories of a place that could only be described as magical.

A friend of mine was responsible for some of this sheen wearing off.

It was an afternoon like any other. I was Strachan-sitting with my friends, and in the enlightened states afforded to us by the academic rigour that is HIS103 and Trinity One classes, we began engaging in a discussion about France’s ban on face coverings. Being in much too good of a mood to discuss a topic that I knew would lead to clashes between the right-leaning individuals at the table and myself, I instead directed my attention to the infinitely more compelling subject matter that is Strachan pierogies.

Much to my chagrin, however, it occurred to the folks at the table that I was a Muslim, and they solicited my opinion.

The conversation was civil, and I was impressed that they were looking to take a different perspective into consideration, so I offered my thoughts on the subject: this ban was undoubtedly the product of religious discrimination, and an individual’s religious expression should be exempt for governmental oversight as long as others are not adversely affected by their decision. I barely got a word in edgewise, though, as one of Trinity’s more aggressive personalities cut me off and began to recite a laundry list of reasons that I was wrong. This, I could have dealt with. What I was not prepared to deal with was the conversation’s devolution into an attack on Muslims, culminating in a shocking argument where I was told repeatedly that all Muslims, or at least the majority, wanted to kill “the West,” all Canadians included.

I got up and walked out of Strachan. Trinity had stopped being so bright and shiny.

A few hours later, I was still in shock. I had had conversations with closed-minded individuals before, but I had never, ever, experienced a verbal attack as vicious as that. More importantly, I had never had someone that I considered a friend seemingly go out of their way to cut down the values that form my core. My uneasiness after this encounter was long-lasting, but as my sadness and anger subsided, and as I came to peace with the fact that I am not the type of person that can easily face aggression with aggression, I came to

appreciate the actions of another individual at the table.

As I had been too shocked by the conversation to fully defend myself, defend my beliefs, and defend my belief system as one that, in fact, did not want to see harm come to the entire Western Hemisphere, someone else was deflecting some of the verbal attacks. Someone who has grown to become to a friend, but who I did not know particularly well at the time took it upon themselves to point out the fallacy in the argument that was being made. This individual obviously did not know too much about Muslims, making it difficult for her to completely shut down these accusations, but an earnest attempt to help me in shutting them down was made. She did not have to stick her neck out into the conversation, but she did, and though much time has gone by since then, that act has stuck in my mind.

Most people can say that they have witnessed discrimination, but very few can say that they have chosen to actively do something about it. In my experience, these individuals are not behaving in this manner because they wish harm against those that are being discriminated against, or because they agree with the discriminatory act in question.

Rather, they feel like it is not their place to step in. Due to the fact that they themselves are not in the group being targeted, they may even believe that if they were to step in, they would be wrongly placing themselves in a position to speak for minority voices instead of allowing those voices to be heard most prominently. These assumptions would be incorrect.

Just as many feminists have pointed out in the past few years, misogyny and gender equality, typically disadvantaging women more than men, cannot be combated by women alone. I do not expect everyone around me to have an intricate knowledge of the Muslim faith that allows them to deconstruct Islamophobic arguments in the same way that I am able to. Muslims should not have to justify our right to religious freedom. We should not be the only ones explaining that “terrorist” and “Muslim” are not synonymous, but I recognize that in the face of bigotry, this burden does fall to disproportionately to us.

Even so, I hope that in the coming days, months, and years, individuals who are typically not discriminated against find themselves supporting those who are. All it takes are a few seconds of kindness to make someone else’s world a happier and safer place.

7

Quiz

How to Channel Your Inevitable Frustration this Valentine’s Day

By Madeline Keizer Illustrated By Clare O’Brien

Valentine’s Day is one of those “holidays” that you either vehemently love or passionately hate. In that way, it’s kind of like marmite. I know it’s a strange analogy, but hear me out: not only do people have extreme and conflicting opinions about the nature of Valentine’s Day, but it can also cause some pretty sticky situations. Whether you’re single or coupled up this year, oftentimes things can go awry when the stakes are undeniably high on such a “special” day.

Before I go any further please excuse my pessimistic attitude, but I find that rather than dilly dallying in a delusion comprised of impossibly high expectations involving heart-shaped cakes, thoughtful love poems, and Tom Hardy (or someone of the like) riding in on horseback, I instead choose to plant myself firmly in reality. So, in actual fact, I’m doing you a service by shaking you out of denial, helping you confront the struggle, and guiding you to the ways in which you can make your Valentine’s Day experience better for both you and your existent/non-existent partner. With the help of this very credible relationship quiz, you can find your ideal method for dispelling any and all stress related to February 14th. That’s right—just call me Dr. Phil.

So, let’s cut to the chase…

Question 1: Are you single or in a relationship?

A) Single and ready to mingle.

B) Quite contentedly committed.

C) Kinda sorta in a relationship, but neither of us really know what’s up.

D) Free as a fucking bird—and not by choice *sad face emoji*.

Question 2: What does your ideal Valentine’s Day experience look like?

A) A steamy one-night stand.

B) A romantic stroll downtown with the one you love. You whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears while simultaneously making all single people vomit violently around you.

C) A pizza, a long and meaningful talk about your feelings, an “I love you,” and then maybe something more…

D) While shopping for cookies that you plan to later stuff your face with, you accidentally drop them, and before you get the chance, Mr./Mrs. Marriage-material swoops in and picks them up for you! But that’s not all they picked up—they got you! A relationship as epic as that of the couple from The Notebook promptly ensues.

Question 3: What is your Valentine’s Day actually going to look like?

A) You’ll be out on the town with your friends (definitely not sober) and will likely have a brief encounter with someone who’s a little too into tongue.

B) You’re going to actually try for once and go out to a restaurant that’s way too expensive. Your S.O. gets you a gift that otherwise wouldn’t be particularly exciting, but you’re so smitten that you’ve convinced yourself it’s the answer to whether love is real. Afterwards, you head home and spoon.

C) You’ll try to keep a good bit of distance between you and your crush in order to avoid any awkwardness, suspicion, or feelings of expectation. As a result, you’ll probably stick to trying to do course work in an effort to feel like a totally normal, non-lovestruck human and to tune out all the happiness around you.

D) You’ll take a long shower because you’re doing the whole self-love thing and want to pamper yourself. Afterward, you’ll curl up either alone or with a best friend, eat a lot of chocolate and take-out, then watch rom-coms or really sad movies, like My Dog Skip. Tears will be shed—but obviously not because of singleness. YOU’RE A STRONG, INDEPENDENT PERSON, DAMMIT!

Question 4: Which issue have you encountered previously on Valentine’s Day?

Question 5: What do you anticipate could go wrong this year?

A) The condom broke. Panic ensued.

A) You’ll forget to put on deodorant and any plans to get up close and personal will swiftly go out the window.

B) Your S.O. was unimpressed.

C) You got rejected.

D) You considered springing for a self-help book.

B) You won’t be able to figure out an adequately grand romantic gesture.

C) You’ll admit some things and there will be consequences.

D) You’ll die alone and your cat will eat half your face.

ld : How wou Question 6 ourself ? ey you describ g A) Outgoin ate B) Passion C) Shy D) Extra

Results If you got mostly As… you should go out to a nice bar and have some wine with friends. The goal is to spend time with the people you’ve already got in your life and that are actually a permanent fixture in it. No questionable sex, no hangover (probably), no regrets… just keeping it classy, having some real conversation, and taking a second to unwind while still being out for a good time.

If you got mostly Bs… you should take a mindfulness class. Get back into the headspace where you can rationally think about the big day, and push aside all the pressure you’re putting on yourself. It’s just about you and your special someone, so learn to enjoy the moment.

If you got mostly Cs… you should start using a journal. Things no doubt seem confusing, daunting, and a little upsetting right now. It might be worthwhile to start trying to figure your shit out and find some time to vent before you decide to risk it for the biscuit.

If you got mostly Ds… you should go to Toronto’s Rage Room. You clearly have a lot of energy, and you need to expel some of it pronto before you find yourself crying on the steps of a restaurant or hitting a new low after realizing how long it’s been since you last got some action.

10

How to Lose a Valentine in 10 Minutes By: Mary Debono and Thomas Robson

The fictitious sexual exploits of EIGHT Year best friends, Mary and Thomas.

Stories are sometimes from Tom, sometimes from Mary, and often exaggerated.

Don’t forget kiddos, no matter what you’re doing, ASK FIRST. I’m pretty disappointed by the pizza the restaurant brings me. Are these tomatoes even San Marzano? Is this cheese store bought? Is this crust cardboard? As a “Trin Ten,” I’m worth Famoso at the very least.

I’ve done every embarrassing thing imaginable on this date, but they still seem interested in me. Maybe the blonde hair is working? My stupid cousin made me get it. But hey, I guess this date could be worse.

One weekend in first year, my friends came back from Queens. It was a Saturday and they wanted to go to Gracie’s.

Idiots, everyone knows Gracie’s is the Thursday night bar. Our pre was dominated by inside jokes and Queens drinking games. I questioned my decision to go to Trinity over Queens. I probably should have gone to Queens.

Despite my repeated attempts to change everyone’s minds about the destination, we were off downtown. After about 30 minutes in line and peeing in many different parking lots, we finally got in.

As we entered the bar, I saw an old crush from high school. Full of confidence from the pre, I knew what I was to do that night. As I ran towards them, I was maliciously tripped by someone—I did not trip myself—and fell to the floor. I woke up the next morning with an ankle the size of a football and spent the day in the ER. For tonight’s date, I would avoid running.

I realized I had spaced out again. My date was complaining about their friends being in relationships around Valentine’s Day. Finally, something we can agree on. My stupid friends are all in relationships this Valentine’s Day, Tom and Mary included. How can they have significant others if I don’t?

Suddenly we were talking about Valentine’s Day gifts. That’s moving quickly, even by my standards. I snorted as I remembered the gifts I had given in the past (mental note: avoid snorting on future dates). One week into a past relationship, I had decided to give my date a gift. They reacted oddly to my hand painted basket, to say the least. I guess not everyone wants a gift basket full of things for future dates with me? Another Valentine's Day, I gave my “special someone” a self-portrait. I hope that asshole still has it on their wall.

I wonder if my current date would keep a self-portrait of me on their wall. They had better, considering that I dyed my hair blonde for them. The server comes over to ask us about dessert. I look at my date, deciding that they might as well buy me tiramisu.

11

A FASHIONISTA’S GUIDE TO A

Red-Hot Valentine’s Day by billie rose owen

Have you ever wondered if Valentine’s Day is just an excuse to sell cards, or a reinforcement of age-old ideals of monogamy? Well congratulations, because you’re right! But that doesn’t stop this Hallmark celebration from being every fashionista’s favourite holiday. Why? Because it’s less about giving, and more about looking really good and getting appreciation for it. #Goals. But alas, LBDs are so yesterday, and LRDs are so extra. How does one make a red-hot statement while remaining à la mode? To our rescue, these three beauties share their sartorial secrets to make this Saint Valentine’s a steamy one. The inside scoop? Here’s a hint: less is more.

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So whether you’re single, taken, or all of the above, we all have one thing in common this V-day season, and that’s perfecting our Valentine’s Day ensemble and basking in the glory of it. According to many highly credible sources, red is the world’s sexiest colour. So while we can’t go wrong there, it’s up to you to flaunt this colour scheme to your fancy and get that Valentine’s Day flattery you deserve. Regardless, you’ll flatter yourself. So good luck!

Until next time, TCFS

Bopping Around TOwn Post-Conversat Edition

By Allegra Wiesenfeld Buttery Brunch is hard to face post-Converast. Depending on your situation, maybe all of Trinity is going to be on the no-go list for the next week or so. But however will you know where to go? Here is a nifty lil’ guide that outlines what to do with your date, depending on how your Conversailles went.

For those post-hookup panics Woah, looks like you woke up next to someone. And hey - they’re kinda cute! Here’s what you should do, young Skywalker. A skating trail has recently opened under the Gardiner, called, “The Bentway Skate Trail.” First off, this is a hella adorable date idea, so you’ll get props for creativity.

Secondly, if you’re better at skating than your “special someone” you can help them out while feeling superior inside, because that’s what Trinity is all about. Here’s the kicker: if you realize you’re not meshing with them, you can always skate away!

When you chose a bucket over your date Maybe you ditched your date with some intimate interactions with a toilet bowl, and you need a way to say, “Hey, sorry I’m a lightweight, but at least my aim was sound enough that I didn’t puke on your dress.” Throw them a curveball and take them to Fresh, where the message of wellness (and suspicious lack of calorie counts on the nutritional info) will eclipse any memories of getting cut off at the bar. The best way to say you’re sorry is to let someone watch you grimace through a plate of healthy eats.

If security had to remove you from Strachan It’s three in the afternoon. Awaiting your awakening is an electronic summons from Trinity’s patented l’administration du wellness concerning your behavior from the night before.

Are you the reason quad party will inevitably be banned?

Will you be the final nail in the coffin of fun at the College?

In short – you’ve woken up in the midst of an existential crisis. Where do you turn to contemplate your existence in a seemingly meaningless and chaotic environment? Sartre?

Camus? Kafta? You are momentarily distracted when you realize Simone de Beauvoir’s full name was Simone Lucie Ernestine Marie Bertrand de Beauvoir. How did they fit it all onto the birth certificate? What font size did they use?

Alas, you need to look elsewhere to find your purpose in the world. The Sunday Farmer’s Market at the Brickworks might do the trick, as the trifecta of natural environment;

organic groceries and the familiar embrace of capitalist culture is known to heal all wounds.

A spot for the classic debrief The squad Post-Convesat-Catchup is perhaps the best part of the entire Conversazioe season. The convergence of all the BFFLs, each to give their personal account of the night before descending into speculation on everyone else’s and asking the age old question over and over again: When do you think the photos will be posted? Normally a brunch venue, the location of this event must be chosen with great care. Nothing too loud, as the headaches will be in attendance. Nothing too fancy, because rolling up in sweatpants needs to be an option. While many see Future’s as the right dive-y choice for the roundup, it has a fatal flaw – the location. A close proximity to Trinity equals the possibility of bumping into other debrief groups, and this is not a crossover event. Find your greasiest spoon outside of the Annex-area, whether it’s Flo’s on Bloor or Mars Diner on College, and dig into those English breakfasts with a steaming glass of hot goss on the side.

When you want to make it to V-Day with your date Did you and your date really vibe to the Versailles theme of the night? Keep that French monarchical spark alive at Colette Grand Café, which is everything Conversat strove to be: chic, Français, and hella expensive. Munch on your mushroom tartine with a small plate of pomme purée and take the time to ponder the struggles of the peasantry chowing down their slightly-less-but-still-more-$$$-thanMcDicks-burgers next door at the Thompson Diner.

For the blessed folk Look at that! You’ve risen hangover-free, regret-free, and still in the AM. Go to Strachan and play some Solitaire, because you’re alone in this one, bud.

Betches for Salterrae Illustrated by Clare O’Brien

Roses are red violets are blue it’s not you it’s me just kidding it’s you Hello! Miss us? Ya, we don’t miss you either. This year we better not hear about your “galentine’s day,” “singles’ day,” or see pics of you and your date, because trust us, we know you have an S.O. (but God knows how). TBH, we really don’t give a sh*t, but we need to write something (hey Anna, are you paying us soon?). Here are some random thoughts that might creep into your horny minds this Hallmark season!

“O birth control, birth control, wherefore art thou birth control? Deny that sperm and refuse thy eggs; or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love and I’ll no longer be a Capsule.”

“Four score and seven years ago, I was ugly. Now I am ugly and horny.”

“OK Google, are you really not in the mood?”

“Love means never having to use a condom” “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to go down…south, Alabama.”

“Can I reserve the fourth year table for two? I can, right? I think I’ll just call and ask.”

“How many people would there be on earth if women needed to orgasm to get pregnant?…Is there a suggestion box for Black Mirror?”

Xoxo, Saint A and Saint B

15

A Love Story for My

Busted Brain

By Lorraina Roth

It’s 2 am on Junior Prom night, and I’m stealing a doorbell. The offending article, shaped like a shiny red pepper, is in keeping with the south-western theme of the 1970’s porch I am creeping across, my hand tightly grasped around a plastic Walmart bag containing a single screw driver and a pair of safety scissors. My friend whisper-shouts a platitude about the dangers of electrocution from the idling beige minivan serving as the getaway car. I’ll definitely keep that in mind.

I respond with a perhaps too hearty, “Don’t worry! My stilettos have rubber tips!”

This was a high point in an otherwise utterly shit year.

fire lighting me up from the inside. It’s almost as if I’ve chugged ten Red-Bulls, and am invincible and impervious to the meagre ways of man. But being hyped up on a million watts of dopamine can have its downsides, which is why it’s called “mental illness,” not “mental super-awesome-here-is-your-academic-scholarship-ness.” One of the downsides of feeling high as a kite is that you do a lot of things that you wouldn’t generally do, like spending insane amounts of money, or having a ton of mostly-disappointing sex, getting stick n’ poke tattoos, having questionable boyfriends, mild smuggling, majorly vandalizing, stealing Persian carpets, and burglarizing of a Christmas trees.*

“...we are all brave in our own way.”

When I was little my mother, like many of ours, would tell me that I was my own worst enemy. She was referring to my tendency to procrastinate, my resistance to functions homework, and my robbery of the school library (where the two-book checkout limit existed merely to be overthrown). When I was fifteen, however, I realized the perfect and catastrophic irony of this saying. brain can do a lot of fun stuff, like give me 16 My a great buzz that feels like there is a vibrating

Then there are the bad times.

The days when only the jarring scream of my radiator can piss me off enough to get me out of bed, my stomach sinking and my world narrowing to the pit in my stomach. These are the times when my brain lets me down. When I was fifteen, I was kicked out of boarding school for a suicide attempt and my mother was called, driving up six hours from my hometown after being told that I was an “insurance liability.” This was both the worst and best thing that could have happened to me, as it forced me out of my fiercely private shell and landed

me with a team of psychiatrists and psychologists that went on to diagnose me with bipolar disorder at 16. The worst because it made me realize, at that split second of diagnosis, that I was never going to get to have a normal life; the best because I finally knew what was going on and what could be done about it.

erly experience your emotions. There are also so many things that can throw you right back into a spiral again.

For me, it was being forced to acknowledge that there were some paths simply not open to me anymore after my first year here at Trinity. The truth is, it’s a long and painful road to get out of a breakdown, especially if you are shadowed by the fear that you will never know when Moving on to University was a journey - a journey it will happen again. We are all brave in our own way where the road, sky, and car are all on fire, that is. I never though, and the impact that loss has on us, despite its could have predicted the effects that coming here would often heartbreaking nature, exists to be fought. have on me. Many living with mental illness in university are familiar with the struggle academic struggle of This is a love story for Valentine’s Day because I know first year, and the painful rebuilding process that comes how it feels to have my heart broken, even if it was by after. In the movies and TV, when one of the characters myself. This is also a love story because love stories are has a breakdown it becomes this huge, dramatic event. full of forgiveness. As sad as I was that certain careers The breakdown is the focus of a Very Special Episode I wanted to pursue are no longer options for me, I reor the first ten minutes of a film. Most depictions of alize more and more is that this is who I am, and that these breakdowns show I need to finally forgive characters recovering myself for being this way. after only a week, havNow don’t get me wrong, ing learned “valuable life I am objectively terrilessons” and developing fied of what the future “a whole new outlook on holds, but so are most of life.” The reality, as many us, mental illness or not, of us in this fine instituand all we can really do tion know, is that a breakdown isn’t always immediate- is our best, whatever that may be. It’s a big world out ly registered, nor does it always feature screaming and there, and there is a little piece of it for everyone. hospitalization. This sensationalizing in media can be very dangerous, as it can prevent us from recognizing The true downside of my life though, and of the medithe warning signs in our own lives. A breakdown can cation that dictates my good days and bad days, is illuscreep in like the slowly rising tide - you don’t always trated by the words of the comedian Aparna Nancherrealize what’s happening until you are half-downed. la. She says, “There is no way to pick up pills you have spilled on the ground without looking like a total huWhen coming out of an extended breakdown you don’t man red flag,” and I am very clumsy. always have that heroic riding-your-fixed-gear-off-intothe-sunset moment. In fact, sometimes it can take you a while to even know how to be a person again, never mind how to embody the teenage dream (thanks The Perks of Being a Wallflower and It’s Kind of a Funny Story). After a breakdown, there is a fog that can live *None of which done on the premises of Trinity College or the in your brain, making the world around you feel like a greater University of Toronto grounds- not even the questionable dream. This means it’s much harder to process or prop- boyfriend.

“...all we can really do is our best, whatever that may be.”

A Review By Emily Larman

An unlikely hit, Italian director Luca Guadagnino’s adaptation of the André Aciman novel, Call Me By Your Name, has emerged as one of the most acclaimed coming-of-age dramas of 2017, perhaps even achieving canonical status for its treatment of controversial subject matter. When I first stumbled upon Aciman’s novel, I was thrilled to have found a literary approach to romance in its most intrinsic form. Literature surrounding LGBT themes often lacks taste and tact, focusing solely on exploiting themes of sexuality for political or hedonistic purpose. However, with the case of Call Me By Your Name, Aciman writes prose about two young men falling in love with the intention of speaking about the intricacies of desire.

Seventeen year-old Jewish-American Elio spends his summers in the Italian countryside with his family. His father is a prominent archaeology professor who hosts a graduate student to shadow him every summer. In the summer of 1983, they host a fellow Jewish-American student named Oliver. Over the six-week course of his time with the professor and his family, Elio and Oliver strike a blossoming friendship that evolves into more. It is a story of family, friendship, attraction, and young love. The film does not emphasize gender dynamics, but simply a relationship between two people and how to deal with the accompanying emotional turmoil of what it is like to love someone after they leave. It is a halcyonic portrayal of the giddiness of attraction and falling in love at its most pure.

Rights to the film were purchased before the book was even released, but after changing hands multiple times, it was fi-

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nally made ten years after publication. The result is a beautifully crafted artistic take on the novel shot in Crema, Italy.

Newcomer Timothée Chalamet was cast as Elio, and the typically typecast Armie Hammer as Oliver. Director Luca Guadagnino considers the film the third in his trilogy on desire, even though it exists as a standalone. He is careful not to characterize Call Me By Your Name as a “gay film,” but as a film about desire, able to be appreciated and discussed across generations. One of the important highlights of the film to address is Elio’s relationship with his parents.

Their understanding and wisdom about their son’s situation has poignantly resonated with audiences for its portrayal of unrelenting acceptance. They are a family built on unconditional love, that is imperative to function as an example in the often reactionary responses young LGBT individuals are subjected to today.

Guadagnino self-selected the film’s soundtrack, but had Sufjan Stevens write two songs for the film before it was even made (“Mystery of Love” and “Visions of Gideon”).

Luca, Armie, and Oliver listened to them collectively on the first days of shooting. The songs were used throughout shooting and as the film was shot in chronological order to enhance character realism, in the final sequence Chalamet had in an earpiece playing “Visions of Gideon.” The lyrical nature of the film shines not only through its musical inclusions, but its visual depictions of the wanton idyllicism of what it means to be young and in love. We will most surely be seeing Call Me By Your Name this upcoming award season, and so this Valentine’s Day, give young love and Sufjan Stevens a chance, as I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

Spring Is Coming

By Kate Reeve

During this tragic season of chapped lips and wind-crisped cheeks, the everyday Torontonian is forced to retreat indoors. Just as mice burrow into old houses when the temperature drops, we huddle into our apartments and dorm rooms to wait out the weather. This can be a lonely endeavour, especially for all those of you buried in the quiet of a single room—special condolences to those in Sub-anything.

To remind us of the passion and ruddy vigour we once enjoyed from outdoor activities such as walking or breathing, some may turn to dense, bread-y carbohydrates, and heaps of soothing starch. With a layer of comforting winter meat beginning to settle on Torontonians’ bones, love can seem a very far-away concept, much like an oasis of warmth and soup in the middle of a blizzard. While all the elements seem to conspire against you (including your own biochemistry~how SAD!), winter can be a very lonely time. Just as squirrels bury nuts—which they can only re-find 20% of the time—for later, humans participate in cuffing season to lock down for the brutal months ahead. But what if you were too distracted (and rightfully so, get that 2.9) by your 3432341454 midterms to focus on anything but complaining about the temperature in various old-ass buildings?

What if the waves of sexual assault/misconduct spewing from every industry like pus from an overripe pimple left you feeling repulsed and horrified by the idea of mankind?

Well now it’s February, you’ve finished all the books you got for Christmas because you love literature and yourself (this is a callback to the last column about reading), and your usual nighttime companion of mac n’ cheese has gutted you in a very literal sense. Maybe you decide to give in to the constant cacophony of cultural yelling and find a mate, or maybe you don’t give a fuck about societal pressure anyway, but are mainly bored and cold (hats off to you). Either way, however, you are ready for romance. But goddamn, you are not willing to go far to find it. This is where the roommate/ housemate factor seems suddenly very straightforward. I polled some family and friends for their experiences with

this, and most were discouraging. So maybe don’t, but also, live your life. I don’t care—get freaky. Just brace yourself for the consequences.

My cousin Emily told me about her experience. “Jeff was the friend of a friend, and when we needed an extra housemate, he moved in.” They went to Queens, so having too many rooms is an actual issue, apparently. “We both knew something would happen eventually, but it took awhile for anything to come about...then all of a sudden we were sleeping in the same bed every night.” Emily explains that they originally tried to hide it from their other housemates, “but soon everyone had figured it out, and they were not happy about it.” Their other roommates never got over it, and it was an awkward living situation for the rest of the year. However, that all unfolded when Emily and Jeff were 22 . They’re now 27 and living together in the Village.

That said, their story is a bit of a one-off. An old babysitter of mine shared that he’d accidentally hooked up with his roommate when they were in third year. It was fine until he got a different boyfriend, then his roommate “got crazy jealous, and would like, make all these comments and just ruin the vibe of the apartment.” He moved out soon after. Another cousin of mine (Irish Catholic roots, what can I say) had a similar story. She started a friends with benefits kind of deal with her roommate Sarah, but it quickly faltered. She felt like their friendship was tainted, and the atmosphere of their little 2 bedroom quickly became tense. Sarah moved out, and my cousin was forced to find a new rando roommate mid-year.

Moral of the story: check yourself before you wreck your own home/floor. Wintery times may call for cold measures, but don’t let yourself be get too carried away. After all, spring is coming.

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P hil OF ADVICE

A Philistine's Guide to Valentine's Day Written by Phil Schwartz For those observing, the Fourteenth of February is usually a daunting day full of false hope and unreasonable expectations. Much like New Year’s Eve, plans for this ‘Hallmark holiday’ almost always come and go, underwhelming and often with a bitter aftertaste. Resolutions for change and improvement are outweighed by the gravitational pull of a lackluster reality to whom many who are too tired and scorned ascribe to. Over the years, my experiences with Valentine’s Day have ranged from angst-ridden disappointment to wallowing in self-pity to actually having a decent night, only because it was filled with good food and good company. While my immense age and crone-like demeanor might render this counsel seemingly obsolete, take heed to the following. I’ve learnt that to have a good Valentine’s Day one must:

(1) eliminate any expectations derived from a cheap weekend blockbuster with a poorly strung together plot and;

reiterated throughout many oeuvres from Tristan and Isolde to Love Actually. Instead, this will be a guide to the easiest ways to get the most out of your February to come. Pun intended.

(2) reduce the significance of this holiday — purportedly founded on mysterious, yet fundamentally misogynistic, pagan rituals — to a simple and diluted version of itself that corresponds to a contemporary, personal conception of love.

Do something productive. Anything, so long as you carve out time in your day to improve your life or the lives of those around you. Take a look at the V-day itinerary below for ideas.

Stay in. Avoid the high tide of anxiety, skip the series of inevitably unfortunate events, and let go of the Instagram moments waiting to be captured.

Put your phones away. By no means is this to say lead the life of a luddite, but disconnect for a while to both avoid foreseeably obnoxious over-sharing on social media and spend time re-centering yourself and reflecting on what you value in life.

Focus on your loved ones. Whether it’s your mum, your dad, your significant other, or your best friend, spend some time with them. The people that matter in your life won’t be there forever, so take advantage of them now.

08h30 Wake up to a full, well-rounded breakfast. Remember: mimosas are an essential part of the new Canadian Food Guide.

This article will not explore the trials and tribulations of love in its inception, its growth nor transformations, its rejection, unrequitedness, 10h27 Treat yourself to your signature $7 latté on your way nor decrescendo. These intricacies are

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to campus.

11h12 Get distracted from class and splurge on yourself with whatever you’ve been saving in your online shopping cart.

12h58 Maybe skip your next class because it’s already been a long day and you deserve to have a proper lunch. Think of how productive you can be if you don’t go to class!

13h13 Practice your Duolingo on your way back home and reach that 25% French fluency.

13h34 Get your lunch to-go and proceed to go home, change into your sweats, and watch the latest episode of How to Get Away with Murder.

14h39 Try to do your readings, then actually open the book you started reading for pleasure over the Christmas break.

15h42 Wake up from your 40-minute power nap.

16h07 Bake something as sweet as you. I hear Isaac has a good recipe.

Tunes

• Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrel • Darling by Real Estate • The Bells by Lowell • Dream by Fleetwood Mac • Needle and a Knife by Tennis • Petals by TOPS • You Know I’m No Good by Amy Winehouse • You and Me by Whitney • Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader • The Girl from Ipanema by Stan Getz & João Gilberto • I Decided, Pt. 1 by Solange • Somebody’s Talking by The Preatures • Tuttifrutti by Phoenix • All the Same by Real Estate

Elderflower Martini

Ingredients: • 1oz St Germain 16h54 Start preparing your dinner… and open a tasty bottle • 2oz Hendrick’s Gin of wine while you’re at it.

• Sparkling mineral water 17h23 Remember that hydration is also important and you should always balance alcohol with water.

17h49 Eat, with people or in the meditative comfort of silence.

Shake St German and Hendrick’s on ice, divide amongst glasses, and top off with Perrier. Alternatively, save the environment one step at a time and drink straight out of the cocktail shaker with a straw.

18h11 Run a bath, watch a film, and change your sheets because you’re going to sleep well tonight. N.B. Bath snacks are encouraged.

Wines

• 19h20 Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! Winter is tough • • on your skin, so keep it looking tight and dewy.

• 19h31 Cut your toenails.

•

Les Jamelles Merlot Beringer Founders' Estate Cabernet Sauvignon Montecillo Rioja Reserva First Press Chardonnay Meiomi Pinot Noir

19h36 Create a Sims family.

Regardless of what you end up doing this Valentine’s Day, remember that this holiday is fatuous consumerist 19h55 Pause your Sims adventure to make a cocktail. Try an nonsense and in no way devalues you or your elderflower martini! relationships. Be the wonderful human being that you are, remember that self-care is important, and as are 19h59 Continue on your Sims adventure. the various people in your lives who form your solid 21h54 Brew some Moroccan mint tea and get a full ten-hour support network. Your family is irreplaceable, but your chosen family is invaluable; it is one of the most sleep. crucial assets with which you leave university. Choose well and, most importantly, don’t forget to love yourself.

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A STEAMY

Romantic Picnic

By Isaac Wright

Friends! Acquaintances! Sworn enemies! It is your friendly Male Martha Stewart of College here with a fun and flirty idea for a romantic Valentine’s Day picnic.

As most of you know I am extremely skilled in the arts of romance. As someone who has gone on a number of dates that can only be described as “sensual,” “passionate,” and “fewer than 2,” I can offer my unique expertise that is unrivaled by others at the College. The best idea to make sure your Valentine’s Day has a happy ending is to have a romantic, foraged date in the steam tunnels.

Now of course you want to have a good time, but more importantly, you do not want to leave the comfortable confines of Trinity College. Fear not, my horny hermit friend, because I have just the plan for you; all of the ingredients for this romantic afternoon has been successful for me not once, not twice, but ZERO times at all. I can assure that if you follow this plan closely you will have a wonderful afternoon filled with love and lust, but I cannot assure that you will be protected from STIs. Sometimes you just have to roll the dice.

Steal some food: Check the schedule for special Trin One lunch receptions because they have killer desserts - steal some of those by making a knock off Trin One T-shirt so that you blend in with the elites of first year Trinity.

Acquire some decorations: I would recommend heading to the Male Head of Arts’ room to get this. He has decorations for any occasion, but my favourite by far is the simple banner that says “Huge” over and over in sparkly gold lettering. Furthermore, the messaging on the banner provides an accurate account of how much emotional baggage you will be bringing to the relation-

ship, while giving inaccurate information about the size of other things.

Find a quiet section of the tunnels: My favourite secluded area of the steam tunnels is the lesser known tunnel that runs from under the south side of Whitaker House to Strachan Hall. It is locked but if you put some force behind it, you should be able to bust down the door. It’ll be cute though.

Start a romantic fire: A fire is a key part of a romantic afternoon picnic in the steam tunnels. I find it easiest to rip down some insulation from the pipes, dip it in hard alcohol, and light it with a match or a simple Bic cigarette lighter.

Eat: No utensils. Exotic!

Clean up: Napkins are wasteful, so I find it best to lick crumbs and chocolate off of each others faces, like cats or Innis students habitually do.

Do the thing: Do it loud, do it proud, and do it without protection so that Daddy will be forced to financially support you and your budding accidental family for public image reasons. If you don’t want to have children I am sure you can find a leftover used condom down there somewhere. Turn that thing inside out and give’r a go. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!

Best of luck in these trying romantic times.

Xoxo Your Millennial Male Martha Stewart, Isaac B.

ASKNEET

Oh y’all wanted a twist, eh?

Avneet Sharma Things aren’t normal. It’s the Valentine’s Day issue and I am meant to inject my trademark brand of cynicism. I’m supposed to hate this like Miranda Hobbes because of my perpetual singleness and inability to hold a man’s attention for longer than five minutes (I’m looking at you, guy from Hart House Pride Pub who made out with me and then immediately went home with someone else, you know who you are). But now my cynicism is gone because Mercury is in retrograde, the world is starting to make less and less sense, and I’m actually currently seeing someone.

How did this happen? That’s a good question. However, I feel as though I should maintain some shred of privacy, so I won’t spill all the details. I will just give you this subtle, vague hint: made out with a guy for three hours on the dance floor of Woody’s. Wait, now that I think about it, that wasn’t very vague. Those are very specific circumstances. Anyways, since it’ll be an entire month between writing this column and its publication, it would be really awkward if we broke up before this got published.

P.S. Has anyone seen Editor-in-Chief Anna Trikas around? I’m still trying to quit this advice columnist gig that has been forced on me. I found her number in the phone book, but it actually belonged to this Greek exchange student named Ann Atrikas who goes to Trinity College Dublin. Anna, if you’re out there, just know that I don’t want to do this anymore. Giving people advice is a dreadful business and I would not wish it upon people I despise. That said, on with the advice.

Dear Avneet,

Dear Avnatalie Portman,

How do I get over my daddy issues?

How do I turn my daddy issues into a kink?

-Female Protagonist in an Aaron Sorkin Movie

-Female Protagonist in an Aaron Sorkin Movie

Dear Female Protagonist in an Aaron Sorkin Movie, You don’t.

-Avneet

Dear Avnaomi Watts, If I say “rawr xD” to a guy I like and he responds with “lol what?” Should I give up on him?

-MySpace User Dear MySpace User, No, he should give up on you.

-Avneet P.S. you should give up on saying “rawr xD.” Love yourself, sweetie.

Dear Female Protagonist in an Aaron Sorkin Movie, Don’t.

-Avneet

Dear Avnancy Kerrigan?

How do you spend a night together in a twin bed without being uncomfortable?

-Sick of Being the Big Spoon Dear Sick of Being the Big Spoon, This might sound like a crazy idea, but have you tried switching things up and being the little spoon?

Otherwise, I feel like snuggling closer with someone is severely underrated. There’s something especially nice about feeling their breath on your skin and waking up to their cute sleepy eyes.

-Avneet

Dear Avniall Horan, How do you make the first move?

-Loveless Lover Dear Loveless Lover, The exact wrong way to make the first move is to come to me of all people for dating advice. The truth is that dating is a game of rejection. One of the reasons we’re so scared to make the first move is the inevitability of rejection. Sometimes, you’ll feel a certain vibe with a person and then immediately discover that they were just distracted by the blue wrinkles under your eye.

But if you’re interested in someone, it’s still a necessary step.

One of the reasons I often make the first move with guys is that I’m typically an assertive gay man. Also, I am afforded the luxury of being blunt because I’m socially awkward and am sometimes unable to read social cues. Have I been rejected? Yes. I’ve probably been rejected about 2000 times. It can definitely be disheartening at first, but there comes a point where it just doesn’t bother you anymore.

To make the first move, you need a solid foundation of realism, determination, and confidence.

Firstly, you need to be realistic and, as Veronica Lodge of Riverdale once pointed out, know that most people you like won’t like you back. Seriously, even if you look like a Barbie doll with beautiful curly hair and a silk nightgown, there’s still a good chance you’ll be rejected. That doesn’t mean there won’t be someone out there for you. There’s always a good chance there will be someone who is interested in you. Maybe you’ve been the bad guy who has rejected someone else, or someone was interested in you and they didn’t make the first move.

Secondly, you need to be determined. If you see someone and think, wow, I want to ride them like a kayak on the Ganges River, then go for it. There’s no reason not to. Just don’t be a creep about it. If someone isn’t interested in you, do NOT keep trying to go for it. Consent is mandatory and you need to have consent to take that ride.

Lastly, you need to be confident. There is nothing more attractive than confidence. And even if someone isn’t attracted to your brand of confidence, you need to develop a mindset where you don’t really need them anyway. So what if someone rejects you? That didn’t work out, but you’re still a great person with a lot going on and many great things to offer (unless you’re Jared Kushner). Someone else will come along and they will appreciate you for who you are.

-Avneet

Dear Avnancy Sinatra, I require your assistance in locating attractive boys. I have searched near and far and can’t find any! I’ve looked in Trin Proper, St. Hilda’s, and even under The Buttery. I don’t know what to do anymore. HELP! -I Am Confusion

Dear Avnina Bo’nina Brown, How does one find a boyfriend when the Trin bubble is your life but Trin guys are kind of gross?

Dear I Am Confusion,

-I Am Also Confusion

I believe the root of your problem is that you are looking for attractive boys within the realm of Trinity College. Sometimes we convince ourselves that there must be treasure in this sea of Brians, Chads, and Forgays. I just chose basic white people names because that’s all you’re going to find at Trinity College.

Dear I Am Also Confusion,

Try branching out a little bit. There is an entire world outside of these decrepit, incestuous walls. Who knows? You might find yourself at an orgy in the University College JCR. You might lock eyes with someone who is inside someone (or vice versa) and give them a wink. And if they wink back, you’ll know that you found the one.

All you’re going to find in the basement of The Buttery is a drunk and naked Dario Toman taking a shower before crashing in NRAC. Trust me, it’s not a pretty sight.

-Avneet

The most disturbing aspect of this question (besides your lack of originality) is that the Trin bubble is your life. Get out of there while you still can. I love Trinity College and some of my best memories of university will always be ones spent at Trin, but it’s actually great to make friends outside of Trin just to get away for a while, especially when there’s ~drama~ you’re trying to avoid. Trust me on that one.

-Avneet

Dear Avnelly Furtado,

Dear Avmarlene Dietrich,

Is it weird to ask someone out whom I met only once?

Recently, I saw on indeed.com that there is a vacancy for the positions of: Dean of Students, Assistant Dean of Students, Provost, and Vice Provost. Can you give me some advice on applications? What qualifications do you need for such illustrious positions? Where should I submit my resume? Who will conduct the interviews? Do I have a chance of filling the shoes of predecessors such as Kristen Moore, Mayo Moran, and Carter the Dog?

-Hopeful Romantic Dear Hopeful Romantic, No. It’s not weird unless you’re being weird. If you meet someone once and you feel like there is a palpable connection, it’s definitely not weird to ask them out for drinks or coffee or something. You might surprise them, but they might actually be really into it. If you met them through a mutual friend, you should definitely ask the mutual friend to pull a Nancy Drew and find out if they’re also interested.

-Not Maddy Torrie Dear Not Maddy Torrie,

Think about it this way. We currently live in a society where people date using apps like Tinder, Scruff, and OkCupid where they haven’t even met the person before. I don’t find anything weird about it.

First of all, Marlene Dietrich’s name starts with an M, not an N. Second of all, this is supposed to be a column on dating advice. Third of all, don’t do it. It’s a trap.

-Avneet

-Avneet

Dear Avneet, Ever since my ex broke up with me four years ago, I haven’t been able to truly love anyone. She broke my heart, and I don’t know if I can trust people with my feelings anymore. I know this was a long time ago, and I should probably just get over it, but it’s hard.

What should I do?

Dear AvNeNe Leakes, How did you develop your A+ pop culture references and meme skillz? Ur my memecrush.

-SadBoi98

-Lovely Person

Dear SadBoi98,

Dear Lovely Person,

I’m assuming by the “98” at the end of your name that you’re a 2T0 and therefore 20 years old at most. Here’s some tough love: you did not meet the love of your life when you were 16. I’m not trying to invalidate the relationship you had, but rather remind you that there’s so much more out there than what you experienced as a 16 year old.

This is so sweet. Thank you. Honestly, I developed my A+ pop culture references as a result of my upbringing. I was constantly being bullied by people in elementary and middle schools for being “weird” or “different” or “gay” (that part turned out to be true), so I turned to movies, television, and the internet for support. My best friend in fourth grade was Maplestory. My best friend in sixth grade was Franz Ferdinand (the band, not the archduke). My best friend in eighth grade was Betty Suarez. My best friend in tenth grade was Rory Gilmore.

I had a similar feeling of anxiety and depression when my first boyfriend broke up with me at 17. It’s difficult, but you need to build yourself up and take what you’ve learned from those experiences to move forward. By all means, take your time. Everyone moves on at a different rate, but I promise you that, if it is your goal, you will find something else that will be rewarding and fulfilling in its own way.

I felt terrible being 17 and broken up with, especially since the dating pool for gay men in small town Ontario is so minuscule that he was really the only option. I don’t think I really moved on until the end of my first year, but there came a point where I just stopped thinking about it and found comfort in that. Also, it helps that I discovered his Reddit account (after a night that definitely did not consist of creeping him on the internet) and discovered a completely different side of him. He was a furry and a foot fetishist, so I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything. That being said, I hope you have better luck than me.

-Avneet

In any case, things turned out for the best because it led to this really sweet message. So again, thank you so much Lovely Person. I really appreciate it!

-Avneet

TRUMPDATE : TM

Must Love Trump

By Annie MacKillican

“Hello, fellow Tweeters, shall I launch the nukes?”

Ah yes, Trinity College. Valentine’s Day is upon us.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve got only one thing on your mind. No, not the distant memories of your Conversat hookup, but your deep, unconditional love for America’s favourite president, Donald J. Trump. If you needed one more reason to love him (though I certainly don’t), here are a bunch.

DECEMBER President Trump’s former National Security Advisor pleads guilty to lying to the FBI about Russian relations. Ah yes. Finally. Sweet, sweet music to my tired, tired ears. President Trump, however, maintains that there was absolutely no collusion between his election campaign and Russia. Someone should tell him that if he says that too often, people might start to think he’s hiding something.

The Supreme Court lifted the injunctions on President Trump’s third travel ban, affecting eight nations including Syria and North Korea. The affected nations would like to offer a formal thank you to the United States for finally giving them legislation, which will keep them far, far away from Donald Trump.

The United States becomes the first country to officially recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, and announces that the US will move their embassy there from Tel Aviv. Donald Trump states via Twitter that he thought it would be a nice gift for the Israelis, “so close to Jewish Christmas.”

At an Emergency Security Council meeting at the United Nations, following Trump’s Jerusalem announcement, US Ambassador Haley issues a statement that Israeli-Palestinian relations are better than ever, and that peace is close following the naming of Jerusalem as the nation’s capital. Remaining members of the Security Council issue a joint statement in the form of a very loud, synchronized groan.

President Trump signs a policy directive, ordering NASA to refocus on manned expeditions, including a return to the moon and a mission to Mars. NASA Administrator Charles Bolden suggests sending President Trump to the moon and leaving him there.

Director of Communications for the White House’s Office of Public Liaison, Omarosa Manigault, is set to resign on January 20th, exactly a year since she began. Contrary reports say that Manigault was dismissed by President Trump’s Chief of Staff, who claims she needed to be removed due to her name [Omarosa] being too close to Obama, which confused the president.

The FCC repeals Net Neutrality, a policy guaranteeing equal and free access to all parts of the internet for all Americans. President Trump praises the decision, tweeting that Net Neutrality would target conservative media and brainwash Americans with liberal garbage. Unfortunately, President Trump didn’t think to do a quick Google search before tweeting the opposite of the truth. Then again, do we not expect as much?

Russian President Vladimir Putin phones President Trump to thank the CIA for their help in preventing a terrorist attack in St. Petersburg, and also to thank President Trump for last night.

US Ambassador Haley says she will be taking names of countries who openly oppose Trump’s decision to make Jerusalem the capital of Israel, and that President Trump will be putting these countries on a time-out, just like any mature diplomat would do.

The United Nations vote 128–9 in favour of the United States repealing their decision to name Jerusalem capital of Israel. US Ambassador Haley calls the vote void and null, while every other Ambassador wonders how President Trump was able to find a diplomat with a vocabulary so similar to his in the worst possible way.

President Trump requested his lawyers issue a cease and desist order to the book’s publishing company.

President Trump referred to the book as being phony, unlike his presidency which he claims is “perhaps the most legitimate of all presidencies.”

President Trump tweets that he is a “very stable genius” who won the presidency “on the first try.”

Funny, I don’t reckon a stable genius would forget running for President as a Reform Party Candidate in 2000.

JANUARY President Trump tweets that his “nuclear button” is bigger and better than that of Kim Jong-un. The entire world experienced a simultaneous shudder.

President Trump calls upon the FBI to investigate former FBI Director James Comey and Hillary Clinton’s top aide, Huma Abedin. The FBI responds that all requests to investigate persons must be made in person, and not in orange crayon. “Please, Mr. President, give it a rest.”

President Trump describes former Campaign CEO Steve Bannon as having very little to do with his “historic” win, and as having “lost his mind.” Respectfully, President Trump, I believe you may have lost your mind if you consider your election victory to have been historic.

Upon the release of Michael Wolff ’s White House exposé Fire and Fury, President Trump initially demonstrated delight that someone would write about what the US would do to North Korea. However, upon clarification on the content of the novel,

Fear not, Trinity College. As each day passes and nuclear destruction grows nearer and nearer, so too does the looming possibility that someone may soon find President Trump guilty of something, anything, and that we will all be spared a horrible end. With any luck, 2018 will bring the end of what has so far been a very cruel joke, and allow us to worry about a slightly lesser and yet more competent danger; Vice-President Mike Pence.

Until next time (unless impeachment trials begin much sooner than anticipated), this has been a Trumpdate™.

n a h c a r t S Hacks

By Angela Gu

Love is in the air? No, an impending Trinfluenza ep-

a cup of the stuff in the morning (Strachan doesn’t ever

idemic is in the air. And guess what, it’s the season of spreading germs. Whoever you are with this Valentine’s Day, whether be it your dedicated S.O. or Tinder match, THEY MIGHT BE CARRYING A COLD VIRUS WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT. This season, it’s all about strengthening your immune system and doing the most you can to fight off a cold. Here are some of my favourite illness-preventative tips and tricks:

have lemon wedges in the morning, and that needs to change). Add hot water, and wake up with the sweet citrusy scent. The honey and lemon flavours meld together and taste so much better on the second day. This mixture can be kept refrigerated for a while, especially if the lemon is submerged in honey.

Honey Lemon Water Not sure why this works, maybe it’s the naturally soothing honey or the vitamin C kick from the lemon, but this is my cure-all for cold symptoms. It’s also the magical elixir that prevents colds.

How to create this potion, you ask? There are two ways: The quick fix: Put a lemon wedge and a drizzle of honey in a cup, fill it with hot water, then muddle the lemon wedge a bit with a spoon to release the juice. Enjoy with caution, and be careful not to burn yourself. Repeat as needed.

The overnight wonder: Combine a few lemon wedges with a generous dose of honey in a paper cup or your own mug, take from Strachan and let it sit in your fridge overnight. This is great if you want

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Tip: Use a napkin as a barrier between the honey squeeze bottle and your hand to prevent the transfer of unpleasant stickiness. I know this is a wasteful practice, but sometimes we have to make the choice between being eco-friendly and our own convenience. When you’re suffering from various cold-related ailments, no one wants the hassle. Priorities, people.

Everything Spicy This one is for those of you who are already sick and suffering from congestion. Anything and everything spicy that falls above your tolerance threshold will be sure to clear your sinuses. Everyone will tell you this from experience. Not a big fan of the spicy eggplant or chili lime tofu? Here are some ways to add some spice: Spicy ketchup – Temper the heat with some sweet by mixing hot sauce with ketchup. Perfect with scrambled eggs, omelettes, grilled cheese, fries, or whatever suits your palate.

Mustard – Good old mustard. The nice kind is sometimes out when Strachan serves pretzels, go for that. It doesn’t have capsaicin, but its allyl isothiocyanate does the same thing.

Sprinkle some spice – your meal is incomplete if you don’t sprinkle jalapeno peppers, banana peppers or chili flakes all over it. For those of you who find white bread spicy, freshly ground black pepper will work. I won’t judge.

Sweet spice – Don’t forget about cinnamon! Cinnamon can be found by the Showtime station and can be added to almost any dessert item. Dust a bit over your coffee, cookies, pie, brownie, ice cream, or even the dessert apple pizza. Just don’t mistake Sweet Spice for a Spice Girl, and don’t try the cinnamon challenge. I’m not liable for any injuries that may occur.

Extra Credit Ingredients: According to Dr. Google, there are some foods which are good for fighting colds: beef, sweet potato, pumpkin, yogurt, green tea, red bell peppers, broccoli, dark leafy greens, wild salmon, and chicken soup. Some of these are really straightforward, and Strachan does them well (i.e. sweet potato fries). I’ve done the best I can to incorporate a few of these wholesome ingredients into some Strachan Hacks: Legit green juice – Add some spinach to your smoothie.

It’s the oldest trick in the book for adding dark leafy greens to your diet. Just do it.

Better beef sliders – Spread some hummus on both buns of the beef sliders to add some flavour to those things (thanks Shreya, for inspiring me). Some online article or another said beef was good for your immunity, so let’s just pretend that information is fully backed by scientific research.

Super soup – Combine the mystical healing powers of a classic chicken soup with hardworking dark leafy greens. Fill a bowl with salad leaves and ladle some hot soup over it to gently cook the veggies. The mushroom barley soup is a good chicken soup substitute for all you vegetarians and vegans out there. Some of you might find this strange, but I personally like a veggie-filled soup.

Pumpkin spread – You thought pumpkin was only for pie filling? Not the case. Strachan sometimes has roast pumpkin – feel free to spread that on your toast and lightly sprinkle some cinnamon and nutmeg on top. It can also be enjoyed savoury.

That’s it for this issue of Strachan Hacks. Be safe, kids.

Don’t succumb to the next wave of Trinfluenza. Enjoy your Valentine’s Day.

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FEBRUARYHOROSCOPES AQUARIUS

TAURUS

The Eclipse can mean a lot of things for you, especially on Valentine’s.

Turbulent relationships are in trouble, but strong relationships should last through these blissfully commercialized times. If you’re single, as Aquarian Hoes often are, you might date someone for longer than 36 hours.

It’s the season of love, but the only flavour on your metaphorical palate right now is salt. Why can’t you find anyone? Is it because Jupiter, the ruler of your 8th House of Regeneration, is wildin’ until the 18th? Or, is it because you’re wildly biphobic? Bisexual people don’t want to date you. You’re not sure if bi people actually have standards or if bisexuals are just greedy. You can’t conceive of multi-gender attraction or even the facets of your identity that make you entirely repulsive. Bi women are really just straighties who willfully cater to the male gaze and Bi men are still stuck in their 2011 Gay Revelation Closet. Bisexuality doesn’t exist!

You’ve been in a pleasure period since January 20th, and people are at your beck and call. Everyone wants to please you, so use this to your advantage. Run for a Head’s position on a campaign of inclusivity and meaningful, realistic changes. Get elected. Devote a large part of your being + essence into a project to make Melinda Seaman the new commuter common space so the vast majority of the college doesn’t have to be rammed into a room not much larger than Ramata’s office. Have your proposal be struck down by res students at the TCM because Trinity College needs to preserve the historical integrity of pleather couches from the 70’s. Become disillusioned by politics. Move to the woods.

PISCES

GEMINI

During the summer 2016 eclipse, a rogue high schooler spilled whipped cream on the Strachan Tapestry. Two-and-a-half years later, as the Sun once again went into hiding, a degenerate from another college spilled whipped cream on your Trin sweater. In both instances, Trinity art was sullied by some foreigner in the name of indulgence. You didn’t spend $100,000 to fix an arguably underwhelming wall carpet, but you did scrub at least $5 worth of detergent into the stain. But yeah, just bill the college. As one may infer from the missing Group of Seven painting and stolen Seeley Tapestry, art preservation is really important to Trin.

You’ve been quivering in your longhouse, rage-linking your YouTube lectures at literally anyone who says “gender,” and living off the scraps of your Patreon account, so the solar eclipse on the 15th looks promising, Gem. The eclipse will be happening in your 9th House, the domain responsible for education and thought. Perhaps U of T will reassess your request for a grant for the development of personality quizzes. (In your rejection, the University claimed that your proposed research had already been completed by institutions such as Elle, Cosmopolitan, TigerBeat, and Teen Vogue.) Oh btw, astrology is fake. I’m an ENTJ with an avoidant attachment style and Freud doms me from the grave. I didn’t even have to leave my mahogany yacht to tweet this!

Is it at least some consolation that you didn’t get any in your eyes?

Famous Gemini: Jordan B. Peterson

ARIES

CANCER

Aries is the first incarnation of the zodiac, indicative of youth, zest, and brattitude. By the 15th, the Sun, Jupiter, and Mars will be eclipsed! Yikes! This astrological ubiquity increases your capacity for rude bitchiness. You know who is also a rude bitch?

Me. There is such futility in writing these Valentine-esque ‘scopes.

Love is fake. Water is wet. Apple juice is spicy. The editors have spelled my name wrong twice now in the table of contents (my name is “Sarah, not “Sara!”), but I guess that’s their problem, not mine.

Hello, Soft-shell Crab Nebula. The Solar eclipse happens in your 8th house, the domain responsible for stability. It’s Valentine’s and you’re looking at your relationship critically. How does it feel knowing that your boyfriend (see Leo’s horoscope) “isn’t a feminist,” but “prefers to identify as a humanist”? Did you spend the entirety of Conversat asking him to keep his voice down? His insistence on a “Socially Liberal, Fiscally Responsible” political ideology was enough to drown out all the white members of college singing along to the expletives in Kanye West’s “Gold Digger.” Not in my good, champagne socialist neighbourhood!

Anyways, Angry Ram, this Valentine’s Day, get ready to die on the hill of Smirnoff Ice.

What is it like knowing you settled?

ASTROLLOGICAL INTERPRETATIONS

by SARAH SGAMBELLURI

LEO You’re ruled by the sun, so there’s no way the solar eclipse can’t affect you. Strap in, you dirty milk drinker. 420%, no homo, though. None of that almond beverage nonsense either, that’s bad for the environment.

The eclipse will put strain on your relationship. But if your relationship is strong, it should last. This Valentine’s Day, pretty yourself up for your lady friend. Wash your face with your finest discount shampoo. Ask her if you can keep your socks on during sex. Forget her grad school plans. If her birthday’s coming up, ask if she wants a threesome with one of the girls from her sorority.

Plan to still be emotionally unavailable at age 30.

VIRGO I miss Vine.

SCORPIO *To the tune of Versace by Migos (2013)* [Redacted][Redacted][Redacted][Redacted] [Redacted][Redacted][Redacted][Redacted] [Redacted][Redacted][Redacted][Redacted][Redacted] [Redacted][Redacted][Redacted][Redacted][Redacted]

SAGITTARIUS The eclipse will happen in your 3rd House of Communication, so you’re thinking of turning your newest art project, Trinity College Memes for Salt of the Earth Teens, into your fourth year thesis. Discursive! So discursive, in fact, that you took a video of the Provost getting out of a cab. She took away our alcohol, so we can totally revoke her privacy. Where is the line between critiquing her words and actions as the figurehead of this college and comparing her to an egg-based condiment?

You took a PHL class last semester, so you know she has the POWER to produce that sweet, sweet SAVOIR. Who needs an IUD when you can just shove the entirety of The History of Sexuality up your cervix? That’s one secret I’ll never tell. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

LIBRA You’re ruled by Venus, so there’s no way you’re not celebrating V-day. But, as in everything you do, you must be accountable to your peers as dictated by section 1 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Since Saturn’s shift to your 4th House, the domain of responsibility, last December, you’ve been thinking about popping the question. You’re not going to purchase a diamond ring because you’re definitely not a neoliberal cum dumpster. White sapphire is too bland and moissanite is a little too flashy, but you’re worried that your true love will think you’re an aesthetic imposter if you go with a lab diamond. Why is it so hard being ethical and beautiful?

CAPRICORN Valentines? Love?! Emotions?!!? You didn’t budget enough time and/or emotional labour for this. You also didn’t account for the fact that emotional labour is a term coined by Arlie Hochschild to describe the commercialization, management, and devaluation of human emotions (The Managed Heart, 1983). So, when you’re going off on how you perform too much emotional labour in your friendship, you’re inherently wrong. Being a decent friend isn’t monetary. Unnecessary and inaccurate use of emotional labour delegitimizes valid usage with respect to occupations (i.e., nurses, paramedics, crisis hotline operators) seeking to receive adequate compensation and resources for emotional performances integral to their jobs. So, the next time I see you tweet about emotional labour, I want to see not only receipts, but CITATIONS.