VOLUME 420, ISSUE NO. 69 | STUDENT-RUINED SINCE 1916 | RICEPURITYTEST.COM | MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
Opera house donors thank inflatable dome The donors of Rice’s opera house sent a thank you basket to the Rice Athletic Department last week for redirecting student anger toward the proposed inflatable athletic facility. “Thank you so much for getting people all riled up about a $3 million facility that takes away exactly zero parking spots,” the letter read. “Even though our building is far more expensive, took away hundreds of parking spots and benefits a miniscule portion of the community, you really did us a solid and somehow got students way more upset about your project.” Dean of the Shepherd School of Music Robert Yekovich said he was stunned that the opera house, which costs approximately 33 times as much as the inflatable facility, did not receive the same vitriol as the proposed inflatable — and continues to be largely ignored.
Lovett’s “Stinky” annex turned into animal sanctuary Residents of a Lovett suite report that their entire room has now been colonized by a complex ecosystem of fruit bats, iguanas, blue macaw parrots, and, concerningly, the ghost of Albert T. Patrick — the butler who murdered William Marsh Rice. A Thresher investigation discovered that the colonization was actually a purposeful move by Housing and Dining, which partnered with the Houston Zoo to provide a sanctuary for endangered species at Lovett. When the residents of the suite, colloquially known as “Stinky,” submitted a work order regarding their getting kicked out by the nascent jungle in their dorm rooms, they were shot down by H&D. “They told us it was our responsibility to clean it all up,” Elizabeth Bowers, a Lovett College senior, wailed. “I’ve been attacked by parrots every time I try to get my Birks from my closet and Albert Patrick keeps ogling my legs from the corner of the ceiling.”
H&D communications director Caroline Wood said there was nothing to be concerned about. “We have a complete monopoly on housing on campus and can charge basically whatever we want for rooms that are basically falling down around students,” Wood said. “So suck it up and cry to your mom.” Houston Zoo representative Shirley Weber said that the dark, moldy environment of the Stinky room was a ideal habitat for animals. “Stinky is the perfect swampy ecosystem for our scaly friends,” Weber said. Attendance at the Houston Zoo has skyrocketed in recent years, ever since Rice fuckboys too cheap to pay for a date starting bringing unsuspecting women there to “hang out,” according to Weber. After the Zoo board saw that Rice would take donations for literally any purpose, including a castle-sized Opera House, the zoo decided that Rice would be a good candidate for the animal sanctuary.
“Rice does have a history of screwed up priorities and catering to the needs of the wealthy,” Weber acknowledged. Lovett senior Brooke Martin, who lives in the suite and has twice fended off iguanas eating the milk and honey off her Rupi Kaur shrine, pushed against that logic. “I’m a political science major who doesn’t want to go to law school. Aren’t I an endangered species that H&D should be protecting?” Martin said. When asked why H&D didn’t ask for students’ consent before turning the rooms into a literal jungle, Wood laughed for seven straight minutes. “Students would just form a working group, spend a year asking friends instead of actually collecting feedback, and end up bowing to the administration’s demands anyway,” Wood said. “Besides, for everyone complaining about the serveries’ plant-based journey in which we only serve unseasoned, basically raw vegetables, they can simply take some atl-atls from the Archaeology department and skewer iguanas for dinner instead.”
Baker Institute to host Lord Voldemort The esteemed Lord Voldemort will deliver an address on political and economic instability plaguing the wizarding world at the Baker Institute this Friday, April 5 at 2:30 pm. “As someone who almost destroyed the entire wizarding world in my quest for immortality, I feel like an expert in the field,” Voldemort said. Voldemort thanked Honorary Chair of the Baker Institute James A Baker III for the invitation to promote his political stances on such a prominent stage. “This is so much more convenient than the time I possessed a professor and had him speak on my behalf,” Voldemort said. “Hogwarts would never give me the invitation.” Voldemort’s career achievements include raising an army of Death Eaters to cull the muggle-born wizarding population and splitting his soul into seven pieces by murdering innocents.
Despite Voldemort’s fame, the leader of Rice’s Muggle-born Wizard Society, Herman Ranger, said he would be organizing a protest of the event. “This guy literally wants to murder people like me,” Ranger said. “For all I know he could just ‘Avada Kedavra’ me on the spot while I’m protesting. Why in the world did Rice invite him?” Voldemort is the latest in a long list of high-profile political figures to speak at the Baker Institute, including Russian President Vladimir Putin in 2001 and Vice President Mike Pence, who will speak just before Voldemort on Friday. Voldemort also said he would like to speak on his sexuality in the wake of his creator, J.K. Rowling, revealing that Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald had a passionate sexual relationship. “No homo,” Voldemort said.
LORD VOLDEMORT
With a $3 million initial investment plus $25,000 per year, in 3,881 years, it’ll actually be more expensive to have an inflatable athletic facility. Maizy Crandall BROWN COLLEGE JUNIOR “To be honest, when we laid out the plans for the opera house, we expected to be hated by virtually everyone in the Rice community,” Yekovich said. “Hell, we only have 36 students enter our singing program every year. Our building is taking up at least six times that many parking spots.” Maizy Crandall, a Brown College junior, defended the opera house, citing the long-term costs associated with the inflatable athletic dome. “It costs $25,000 per year to deflate the dome for Beer Bike,” Crandall said. “Think about that. With a $3 million initial investment plus $25,000 per year, in 3,881 years, it’ll actually be more expensive to have an inflatable athletic facility than this opera house.” Upon receiving the thank you basket, Director of Athletics Joe Karlgaard placed his head on his desk and sighed. “We’ve said so many times that this is open to all varsity athletics teams, intramural sports and college sports,” Karlgaard said. “The football team would’ve used it 30 days last year, most of them during the summer. The rest of the time it would’ve been open to the Rice community and other groups. There are 36 opera students each year.” The college presidents met to discuss how they should respond to Karlgaard and issued a joint statement they could all agree upon. “Maybe create a good football team before you try to invest $3 million next time,” the presidents said. Asked for a response, Karlgaard punched back. “Sure, we haven’t won a lot of games lately,” Karlgaard said. “But even on our worst day, we suck less than any opera.”