VOLUME 420, ISSUE NO. 69 | STUDENT-RUINED SINCE 1916 | RICEPURITYTEST.COM | MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
Opera house donors thank inflatable dome The donors of Rice’s opera house sent a thank you basket to the Rice Athletic Department last week for redirecting student anger toward the proposed inflatable athletic facility. “Thank you so much for getting people all riled up about a $3 million facility that takes away exactly zero parking spots,” the letter read. “Even though our building is far more expensive, took away hundreds of parking spots and benefits a miniscule portion of the community, you really did us a solid and somehow got students way more upset about your project.” Dean of the Shepherd School of Music Robert Yekovich said he was stunned that the opera house, which costs approximately 33 times as much as the inflatable facility, did not receive the same vitriol as the proposed inflatable — and continues to be largely ignored.
Lovett’s “Stinky” annex turned into animal sanctuary Residents of a Lovett suite report that their entire room has now been colonized by a complex ecosystem of fruit bats, iguanas, blue macaw parrots, and, concerningly, the ghost of Albert T. Patrick — the butler who murdered William Marsh Rice. A Thresher investigation discovered that the colonization was actually a purposeful move by Housing and Dining, which partnered with the Houston Zoo to provide a sanctuary for endangered species at Lovett. When the residents of the suite, colloquially known as “Stinky,” submitted a work order regarding their getting kicked out by the nascent jungle in their dorm rooms, they were shot down by H&D. “They told us it was our responsibility to clean it all up,” Elizabeth Bowers, a Lovett College senior, wailed. “I’ve been attacked by parrots every time I try to get my Birks from my closet and Albert Patrick keeps ogling my legs from the corner of the ceiling.”
H&D communications director Caroline Wood said there was nothing to be concerned about. “We have a complete monopoly on housing on campus and can charge basically whatever we want for rooms that are basically falling down around students,” Wood said. “So suck it up and cry to your mom.” Houston Zoo representative Shirley Weber said that the dark, moldy environment of the Stinky room was a ideal habitat for animals. “Stinky is the perfect swampy ecosystem for our scaly friends,” Weber said. Attendance at the Houston Zoo has skyrocketed in recent years, ever since Rice fuckboys too cheap to pay for a date starting bringing unsuspecting women there to “hang out,” according to Weber. After the Zoo board saw that Rice would take donations for literally any purpose, including a castle-sized Opera House, the zoo decided that Rice would be a good candidate for the animal sanctuary.
“Rice does have a history of screwed up priorities and catering to the needs of the wealthy,” Weber acknowledged. Lovett senior Brooke Martin, who lives in the suite and has twice fended off iguanas eating the milk and honey off her Rupi Kaur shrine, pushed against that logic. “I’m a political science major who doesn’t want to go to law school. Aren’t I an endangered species that H&D should be protecting?” Martin said. When asked why H&D didn’t ask for students’ consent before turning the rooms into a literal jungle, Wood laughed for seven straight minutes. “Students would just form a working group, spend a year asking friends instead of actually collecting feedback, and end up bowing to the administration’s demands anyway,” Wood said. “Besides, for everyone complaining about the serveries’ plant-based journey in which we only serve unseasoned, basically raw vegetables, they can simply take some atl-atls from the Archaeology department and skewer iguanas for dinner instead.”
Baker Institute to host Lord Voldemort The esteemed Lord Voldemort will deliver an address on political and economic instability plaguing the wizarding world at the Baker Institute this Friday, April 5 at 2:30 pm. “As someone who almost destroyed the entire wizarding world in my quest for immortality, I feel like an expert in the field,” Voldemort said. Voldemort thanked Honorary Chair of the Baker Institute James A Baker III for the invitation to promote his political stances on such a prominent stage. “This is so much more convenient than the time I possessed a professor and had him speak on my behalf,” Voldemort said. “Hogwarts would never give me the invitation.” Voldemort’s career achievements include raising an army of Death Eaters to cull the muggle-born wizarding population and splitting his soul into seven pieces by murdering innocents.
Despite Voldemort’s fame, the leader of Rice’s Muggle-born Wizard Society, Herman Ranger, said he would be organizing a protest of the event. “This guy literally wants to murder people like me,” Ranger said. “For all I know he could just ‘Avada Kedavra’ me on the spot while I’m protesting. Why in the world did Rice invite him?” Voldemort is the latest in a long list of high-profile political figures to speak at the Baker Institute, including Russian President Vladimir Putin in 2001 and Vice President Mike Pence, who will speak just before Voldemort on Friday. Voldemort also said he would like to speak on his sexuality in the wake of his creator, J.K. Rowling, revealing that Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald had a passionate sexual relationship. “No homo,” Voldemort said.
LORD VOLDEMORT
With a $3 million initial investment plus $25,000 per year, in 3,881 years, it’ll actually be more expensive to have an inflatable athletic facility. Maizy Crandall BROWN COLLEGE JUNIOR “To be honest, when we laid out the plans for the opera house, we expected to be hated by virtually everyone in the Rice community,” Yekovich said. “Hell, we only have 36 students enter our singing program every year. Our building is taking up at least six times that many parking spots.” Maizy Crandall, a Brown College junior, defended the opera house, citing the long-term costs associated with the inflatable athletic dome. “It costs $25,000 per year to deflate the dome for Beer Bike,” Crandall said. “Think about that. With a $3 million initial investment plus $25,000 per year, in 3,881 years, it’ll actually be more expensive to have an inflatable athletic facility than this opera house.” Upon receiving the thank you basket, Director of Athletics Joe Karlgaard placed his head on his desk and sighed. “We’ve said so many times that this is open to all varsity athletics teams, intramural sports and college sports,” Karlgaard said. “The football team would’ve used it 30 days last year, most of them during the summer. The rest of the time it would’ve been open to the Rice community and other groups. There are 36 opera students each year.” The college presidents met to discuss how they should respond to Karlgaard and issued a joint statement they could all agree upon. “Maybe create a good football team before you try to invest $3 million next time,” the presidents said. Asked for a response, Karlgaard punched back. “Sure, we haven’t won a lot of games lately,” Karlgaard said. “But even on our worst day, we suck less than any opera.”
THE RICE TRASHER
2 • MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
heard AR THAT ONE WHITE GUY FROM YOUR SOCIOLOGY CLASS
UNDcampus
REVERSE RACIST LIKE...
“I just don’t understand how it’s possible that your experience is valid since I haven’t lived that exact same experience. Where’s the data?”
TRUE LOVE PREVAILS
PROBABLY SOMEONE IN THE ADMINISTRATION LAST YEAR
“Look, I know we don’t let COLL class professors date their students or be otherwise involved, but we’re going to have to restructure the department to accommodate Lisa and Don’s love for each other.” ADMINISTRATOR REGARDING CAMPANILE BLACKFACE
GRAY AREA
“Technically, everyone’s face was gray in those photos.”
TOP 25 ENGINEERING
RICH PARENT ON BENEFITS OF CRISPR
“Why commit fraud when you can just genetically engineer your child to get in?”
Leebron diagnosed with motophobia “I’d been wondering why Leebron On Sunday, Leebron sent an email to the student population explaining his had been systematically removing all of the parking lots on campus,” Cindy recent absence from the school. “I’ve been diagnosed with Girt, a Sid Richardson college senior, motophobia,” Leebron said. “It really, said. “I thought that the university was just ignoring our really quite perfectly, needs and spending honestly TOO money on things we perfectly, explains my didn’t ask for, but it behavior over the last Every time I hear turns out that there five years.” is a legitimate reason Motophobia, or car- them rumble by, I for the exttremeley scaredy-cat disease, quake. Their shiny, inconvenient removal is a fear of cars, vans of all of the parking and other shiny, four- beetle-like bodies run me over in my spaces on campus.” wheeled objects. The Thresher Over the past dreams. tried to reach out to several years, Leebron for comment, Rice University David Leebron but he was too busy a d m i n i s t r a t i o n PRESIDENT hiding under his desk has been replacing parking with new construction projects, as the inner loop bus passed by. “Every time I hear them rumble by, I including tennis courts and an opera house. A portion of West Lot is under quake. Their shiny, beetle-like bodies run construction to be the new operahouse, me over in my dreams. I’m begging you: and the new Sid Richardson will replace donate a few million to eradicate the last remaining parking spots on campus.” a portion of South Collges parking lot.
NEWS IN BRIEF Baker 13 runners must not touch anything, with few exceptions In light of Baker 13 butt-related property damage, Student Judicial Programs has released an official set of sanctions for these Title XIII violations. “No private parts can touch anything,” said a spokesperson in an official statement, “No ass on glass. No breasts on brick. No butts on beams. Any student who does not adhere to these guidelines will be reprimanded. We take these offenses very seriously.” SJP has already begun investigations for past violations and several students have plead guilty.
“We’re just trying to create a safe environment and careless, aggressively swung genitals cannot be ruining this at Rice University.” One student who spoke to the Thresher on the condition of anonymity said there were more pressing issues that were ignored. “Well, the student who flung his genitals at me didn’t end up being charged with a Title IX violation after I spent months testifying. But it’s nice to know the administration has its priorities in order.”
Admissions to bring in dumpster to deal with increased applications The Office of Admissions has reduced the amount of time required to review applications by placing a large dumpster inside of its office in response to the rising number of applicants to Rice. “That way we can dump the applications in the trash without having to walk all the way down the hall to the recycling bin,” Vice President of Admissions Yvonne Romero da Silva said. This practice sets Rice apart from its peer institutions, which each place bins at least a 12 second walk from each admissions officer’s desk. Romero da Silva said she estimates this new policy will save an immense amount of time.
“We rejected 24,720 applications last year,” Romero da Silva said. “At 12 seconds to walk each way to the recycling bin, that means that our office spent just under 165 hours last year throwing out these garbage applicants. I can’t believe I wasted 24 seconds of my life on that one girl who had a 3.9 GPA with 3 AP classes; now I won’t have to!” The dumpster will be conveniently located just five feet from each desk, the optimal distance for crumpling applications into a ball, yelling ‘Kobe!’ and shooting them into the trash, according to mechanics professor Matthew Elliott.
Graphic showing what David Leebron probably sees in his car-themed dreams at night. Leebron was diagnosed with motophobia in August 2018. In a letter to the student body this week, he explained his new condition.
Men’s basketball players transfer to women’s scout team Three players from Rice’s men’s Ako Adams and freshman Trey Murphy basketball program signed letters III would be releasing themselves from of intent to transfer to the women’s Pera’s firm grasp to commandeer the women’s practice squad. basketball scout “Sure, sure, I get that team on Friday women’s basketball morning. According won 28 games and all, to men’s head coach but you’d have thought Scott Pera, he will Honestly, I’m just the camaraderie we’ve host tryouts open to shocked that in my developed over here all Rice students this two seasons here, would have inspired more summer to repclace I wasn’t able to confidence that [each of his players. the transferring players] “Honestly, I’m convince my guys just shocked that that I was a chill dude. would feel they could build their character with in my two seasons our staff,” Krieger said. here, I wasn’t able Scott Pera Adams said he to convince my guys BASKETBALL HEAD COACH made the decision after that I was a chill consulting with his family and friends. dude,” Pera said. “I would like to thank Rice men’s Rice assistant coach Chris Krieger said he suffered embarrassment when fellow basketball for the opportunity of a assistant coach Van Green explained to lifetime to play the game I love,” Adams him that junior Robert Martin, junior said in a written statement. “But I’m
excited to start a new journey on the women’s basketball practice squad.” Women’s head coach Tina Langley said that while she appreciates that Adams, Murphy and Martin are transferring, they will have to put in the work to stick on her squad. “We’ve got guys in here already that have earned their place,” Langley said. “I’m glad we’ll have some competition for spots next year, but if the transfers want practice time, they’re gonna have to earn it.”
WOMEN BASKETBALL TEAM’S WINS POSITIVELY CORRELATE WITH THE PRICE OF A RICE EDUCATION. HMMMMMMMM.
3 • MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
THE RICE TRASHER
20-year-old Mi Luna remembered fondly Mi Luna, a beloved member of the Rice community, has blacked out for the final time. Different forms of Mi Luna’s identification list various suspiciously old dates of birth in several states, so Mi Luna’s age at the time of passing is unclear. But, one thing remains everclear: she was gone too soon. At Mi Luna’s memorial service, several Rice students shared slurred speeches celebrating her legacy. One freshman, Lee GaldrinKingage, remarked, “I felt much more down-to-earth in my limited time with her. Down to the floor, really.” Similarly, a Rice EMS crewmember, Pri Medd, recalled, “She had a massive impact on so many people I interacted with.” But Mi Luna’s reputation was mixed. Another student, Will LeesPub, reflected, “Mi Luna stole a lot of my friends. Fuck her.” Mi Luna is survived by her cousin, Spike N. Margarita-Zatbodegas.
In memoriam
Mi Luna 1998-2018
Following a serious heart to heart, Duncan College magisters and chief justice agreed to lift the alcohol ban, pending new regulations. Duncan CJ Conor Crawfish said he came up with the rules after consulting the “social excursion” guidelines at peer institution Brigham Young University. Crawfish cited a perceived lack of culture of care for the change of rules. “When’s the last time you’ve like, really cared, you know what I mean?” Crawfish said.
NEW RULEZ 1. 2. 3. 4.
‘We don’t accept bribes,’ Leebron says, holding $3 million check for inflatable dome A press conference introducing the new donors of Rice’s inflatable athletic facility took a turn on Saturday as President David Leebron addressed questions regarding the recent college admissions scandal. “We would never stoop to the level of accepting bribes to get students admitted to Rice University,” Leebron said, holding a giant $3 million check. “All Rice students are accepted based on their qualifications alone.” Leebron said the donor of the inflatable athletic facility, James Quinn Bubble III, told him he donated his money out of the inherent goodness of his pure, generous and altruistic heart.
Duncan implements new crawl rules
“His 17-year-old son, who loves Rice University, was the one who suggested he make the donation,” Leebron said. “It was purely based on his desire to give back to a school he so dearly respects.” Kimberly Addison West, whose parents donated West Servery, said she was appalled when she learned about the recent admissions scandal and that she is glad Leebron took a strong stand against bribery. “I feel awful for all those people who worked so hard and never had a chance because of others who cheated the system,” West said. “I’m so grateful to be able to sleep at night knowing I got into Rice based on my accomplishments alone.”
Yvonne Romero da Silva, vice president for enrollment, said Rice’s need blind admissions policy makes it easy for administrators to avoid bias. “Take this example, Phillip Sallyport,” Romero da Silva said. “He’s got a 420 SAT score and a 0.69 GPA, both definitely, er well, maybe sorta, strong enough to get into Rice. He was admitted last year without us even knowing that his grandpa donated the Rice Sallyport.” Leebron said he would never be influenced by “cash money.” “I love it when my — our — endowment grows as much as the next guy, but I won’t let people suck up to me to get their students into Rice,” Leebron said.
Three bags of chips required No hard alcohol. A slushie machine. No meat, fur, or leather in the room (we’re a LEED gold certified college). 5. Scented candles from Bath & Body Works, but only Warm Vanilla Sugar or Sensual Amber. NO Twilight Woods. 6. Two feet on the ground, doors propped open at all times during mixed-gender crawls. 7. Thermostat set at 69 degrees. 8. Students must hold hands and walk in single file while moving between stops. 9. Playlist must be submitted at least 24 hours beforehand; songs must be between 70 and 73 bpm. 10. Take the factorial of the number of people attending the crawl, divide by two. Purchase that many tubs of Noosa yogurt.
Rice students change profile pics, post on Instagram to support Beto Rice students are inundating Instagram down his Starbucks drink and turned off with their photos with Beto O’Rourke, his AirPods. “But they’re out of touch with the former representative of Texas’s our generation. It’s all about really long 16th congressional district who recently Facebook posts.” James said O’Rourke gained his support announced his bid for the 2020 presidency. “I just think that social media is last year by becoming the first Democrat in the best way to inform my peers about his lifetime to come so close to a statewide politics,” Sarah Spenser, a Duncan victory in such a red, southern state. When College junior with less than 150 asked for his thoughts on Stacey Abrams, followers, said. “Rice students don’t James replied, “Who?” Some Rice students are taking their really know what’s going on. Truthfully, neither do I. But it’s all about image, and support for O’Rourke beyond their phones a pic with me and Beto will definitely and to the streets. Ben Branson said he’ll contribute to the mobilize voters.” campaign by wearing Spenser said actions his “Beto for America” such as changing T-shirt every time he Facebook profile pictures It’s all about image, goes to Pub. He also are much more effective and a pic of me and said he’ll go to the than blockwalking and Beto will definitely Beto supporters crawl, phone banking. although he does not “Blockwalking is mobilize voters. plan to host a stop. kind of uncomfortable,” “The shirt gets Spenser said. “Face-to- Sarah Spencer a little smelly,” face interactions can be DUNCAN COLLEGE JUNIOR Branson, a Jones awkward, and Houston can be really dangerous outside of Rice College freshman with a purity score of Village. I went to Montrose once, and the 97, said. “But I’m really only wearing it cracks in the sidewalks really scuffed my in the hopes that I get to take it off, if you know what I mean. Did I mention I get designer shoes.” As far as what sets O’Rourke apart from laid? I’m trying to be subtle here. Actually, the already large group of candidates wait, don’t quote me on that. I don’t want seeking the Democratic nomination, everyone to know my strategy.” The O’Rourke campaign has even Spenser has a clear answer. “Did you see his announcement inspired activism in students who never video?” she said. “Like, the one with his thought they were capable of it. Andrew Jacobson, who requested his name be sleeves rolled up? Yeah.” Benjamin James, a Martel College printed as Andrés “in solidarity with all senior, said he feels young people like the Spanish people trapped in the border,” himself are constantly misunderstood — recently decided to add an O’Rourke sticker to his Facebook profile picture. especially when it comes to politics. “Activists will tell you that registering When asked what made him do it, he had voters is the most effective way to get only one thing to say. “I want to be in it,” Jacobson said. young people to vote,” James, a selfproclaimed communist, said as he set “Man, I’m just born to be in it.”
rice_student Within the Hedges, Physically & Politically
YOUR FACE HERE
It doesn’t matter how many likes you get, Ted Cruz still won.
rice_student Beto more like Bet-OMG he’s so cute! Sample of meaningful student involvement in political campaigning.
4 • MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
THE RICE TRASHER
The Trasher’s tried and true best places to get it on Your Rice Purity score is at an all-time high, you’re feeling particularly inferior after scoring one point below average on the CHBE exam and you didn’t get advising for the third time — it’s time for stress relief in its purest form. Put down the Juul and pick up a condom (or ten from your poor neighborhood RHA), and read on for the Trasher’s top picks of places to get it on. RICE CHAPEL Let’s be honest: midterm season’s got you down, and you’ve slept through church for the last eight months. Never fear, though! There’s a hot spot on campus where you can satisfy your urges and feel guilty at the exact same time. Go forth to the Rice Chapel for fun, flirty, hook-up vibes; leave needing a confession session.
ON TOP OF WILLY’S STATUE Climbing Willy’s when drunk is so 2018. Consider this: the wind is in your face, you can hear muffled sobs heard from kids leaving Fondren at 1 a.m. and you didn’t even have to sexile your roommate for this late-night fraternizing. It’s just you, your lover and the everwise watch of a slave owner. What better way to be an activist than to wet your willy on Willy’s, since you can’t be bothered to actually protest or phone a representative? After all, you’re literally dancing on his grave. HANSZEN AS AN ENTIRE COLLEGE You know that age-old saying, “Hanszen’s got that gonorrhea, ooh - ahh?” Well, Hanszen’s also got the following: asbestos, no real bathroom doors, no handicap accessibility (but
access to South Servery — big L), an inferiority complex to Wiess, a terrible public and a problematic Beer Bike tradition. So if you’re looking for a hit and quit, head over to Hanszen so you can leave immediately after. THE HEALTH CENTER Hook up in the Health Center if you’re looking to live on the edge. There are sharp things everywhere, plus, who knows if you have comprehensive insurance? You could leave with your sexual urges satisfied or with mountains of debt. Always remember, though, that the Health Center might misdiagnose you: you came in thinking you were horny, but they tell you that you’re actually in love. Bear in mind that you won’t get an STI test afterwards unless you’ve got a spare
80 bucks — you have to go to a pop-up tent in Farnsworth for that sort of luxury. A RICE PUBLIC You’re tense, anxious and sweaty. Just waiting for the moment when you can finally cross that last barrier and get in. So much pulsating, gyrating … music. Nervous laughter fills the air. You’re ready. You’ve been practicing. You’ve been thinking about this all week. You can’t wait to let it all go. You reach into your pocket to pull out that piece of plastic — only to see handcuffs… dangling on the belt of an RUPD officer who tells you to leave. Rice publics are great locales for hookups; just be advised that you might never get in. Disclaimer: The Trasher is not liable in the event of injury, rustication or public humiliation.
Evening of Elegance Advertisement
FUNDRAISING PROGRESS CHART CENSORED BECAUSE OF INHERENTLY PHALLIC NATURE OF LONG, THICK CYLINDRICAL TUBES FILLED WITH MONEY.
Donations Needed Forget about helping the homeless or providing free lunch to low-income elementary schoolers. There is a far more pressing cause in need of a few thousand dollars of your white-collar salary. Your precious child is at risk of succumbing to the temptations of the flesh. Every Halloween, Wiess College hosts a party where students strip down to their underwear — or less — and gorge themselves on alcohol, pleasure and ungodly activities. “In 2014, we asked the Lord, How do we answer this party?” Josh P. Bell recollected.* The Lord answered Bell: a $30,000 party complete with horse-drawn carriages, a live band, ice sculptures and at least a hundred different styles of bite-sized hors d’oeuvres. “It shall be called Evening of Elegance,” the Lord commanded. *This is an actual quote from Joshua P. Bell, a founder of the national Chi-Alpha organization, included in an article on the Assemblies of God website.
MISCLASSIFIEDS
WANTED
SA PARLIAMENTARIAN You like memorizing the minute details of long, boring documents? This is the job for you! No experience necessary, but you must be willing to make everybody in the SA hate you for various reasons. Worried you aren’t good enough? Don’t! Mistakes are expected. PARKING SPOT Like, seriously. TETRA DADDY There’s nothing sexier than having over $100 left in Tetra. For every Coffeehouse drink you buy me, I’ll write you an increasingly desperate Rice Missed Encounter.
AFFORDABLE STI TEST Please. I waited for two hours outside of the bus for free STI testing only to be turned away. I’m desperate and broke and itchy. Like, really itchy. THE SOCIAL CLOUT TO HAVE GOTTEN AN INVITE TO THE OBAMA EVENT Why did only the college presidents get to go? What do they contribute to Rice that I don’t? Whatever. I’m not salty. But in 2043, when I get paid $5 million to speak at the Baker Intitute’s 50th Anniversary Gala, I’m only inviting students who make real contributions, like volunteering at Camp Kesem to pad their med school resumes.
A 4.3 WEIGHT FOR MY A+ IN INTRO TO EAST COAST SWING I signed up for my third LPAP to pad my GPA, but now I can’t even bump up my 4.25 to a 4.26. What kind of policy is this? Please, Rice, give me back the 4.3 or I’ll never be able to make up for that A- I got in Gen Chem. A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR I’m starting to get suspicious. I keep seeing people who aren’t that much hotter than me getting multiple Missed Encounters, but I’ve been here four years and gotten zero. Are they fake? Or am I ugly? Please investigate.
SERVERY EQUALITY Come join me at the H&D Office to protest the lack of fresh cinnamon rolls and farm fresh fruit at South Servery. I pay the same amount as everyone else for my meal plan and have to walk twice as far to get decent food. That’s like 200 more steps. HIGH YIELD RATE With students fleeing Hanszen College in droves, the only people who will live in the land of exploding toilets and caving ceilings are unsuspecting new students. Here’s to hoping for the largest freshman class yet to fill all the empty beds.