The Rice Trasher | Friday, March 31, 2023

LAST-MINUTE BEER BIKE RULE CHANGES MANDATE BREATHALYZING AFTER EACH LAP

In response to disturbing rumors that students plan to consume alcohol on Beer Bike morning, Rice administrators have released new Beer Bike rule changes, effective immediately, just one day before the races to ensure undergraduate safety.

Among the most prominent alterations to the event is the extension of the race period into all of Sunday and early Monday morning in order to accommodate separate races for individual bikers. Specifically, each biker will race a condensed route comprising three laps back and forth on a 25-meter straightaway, stopping at each end of the track to get breathalyzed by an RPC representative. Administrators declared this race format adjustment necessary to ensure alcohol is not consumed mid-race or generated in vivo. RPC will then use a tape measure and a calculator to extrapolate these numbers to reflect hypothetical full track race times.

In addition to launching and catching, Beer Bike pit crews will now also be tasked with rapidly swapping out bikers’ training wheels in between the races. Further, pit crews will be involved with chugging for the first time this year: between each swig of water, pit crews will be responsible

for burping chuggers to eliminate risk of hospitalizable gas buildup. “This will most likely affect our training,” says Andrew Kim, a Lovett Pit Crew captain.

Although chug teams have remained unaffected by injury in the past, they will not be exempt from the rule changes. Beyond chugging in between laps instead of in between racers, chug captains were ordered to split chugging up into three 4 oz cups of water chugged in succession to minimize choking hazard. Chug teams were also discouraged from consuming anything before the races because they might get a tummy ache if they have too much to eat or drink. And in a redoubled effort to curb intoxication, prior to the race, chuggers and all other Beer Bike personnel will be required to successfully pass a commercial driver’s license exam after passing their breathalyzer test.

If the new regulations on competitors weren’t enough, in-person audience

spectating will be limited this year to combat overcrowding. A Google Form will be sent out Friday night, and all responses after 9:30 AM on Saturday morning will have a chance at receiving a wristband to be eligible to stand by the track. If anyone fills out the form before 9:30 AM and complains about not getting one, RPC will apologize and resend the form at 11:30 AM for a new round of wristband allocation. A recording of the race will be available on Monday for non-wristband holders, after Rice admin has had the opportunity to censor any curse words caught on audio. Finally, all materials mentioning Beer Bike will be required to print a health warning resembling those on cigarette boxes. Specific examples named in this statue were promotional flyers, informational emails, and all Beer Bike shirts and uniforms.

Races for current students will begin as scheduled on Saturday at 12 pm. Warning: Beer Bike can cause bothersome leg/ throat fatigue, abundant rowdiness, and worm virus.

SA successfully lobbies Texas legislature

Fresh off of his Mar. 26 inauguration ball, Student Association President Sebastian Elbo successfully achieved one of his completely realistic campaign goals: changing Texas law. Starting with the 2024 election, Rice students can also use the MurtPass QR code system in place of a government issued ID to vote.

“Despite our overall goal of wanting fewer people to vote, legislators took a break from banning books they’ve never read to consider this important proposal,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott said. “I hope everyone will take the appropriate lesson from this experience: the more ridiculous a request, the more likely the legislature will take it up.”

Elbo said they were excited to announce that Texas was adopting the new voter ID law, which they said shows promise for the newly elected SA.

“I’m going to be honest with you, the previous year kind of sucked. It was abnormally bad. The SA has been engaged in the past, definitely,” Elbo, who is only a sophomore, said at Senate.

Despite our overall goal of wanting fewer people to vote, legislators took a break from banning books they’ve never read to consider this important proposal

Greg Abbott

TEXAS GOVERNOR

other things) at the Texas State Capitol

Things are gonna be a liiiittle different this year

Stewart Pinkle WINKING

RICE FIGHT DIES AT 110

Rice Fight passed away last fall at the age of 110. Mr. Fight had been on life support ever since the dissolution of the Southwest Conference. He was released from the ICU on Oct. 29, 2022, but upon his homecoming, was mugged, brutally beaten, and decapitated. Authorities arrested a 49 year-old woman named Charlotte, who was on vacation in Houston from North Carolina.

Fight was on his way home when he got a sudden craving for a bowl. Though his medical bills had left him just short of being able to afford a bowl, Chipotle offered him their last bowl for free due to his excellent Academic Progress Rating. He was just one block from the restaurant when the incident occurred.

According to Mrs. Fight, the couple had also been planning to take a vacation for the first time in eight years prior to his death.

“We had our sights set on going to Hawaii, or maybe the Bahamas,” she said.

Though Charlotte was arrested, many have speculated that a local football coach named Mike Bloomgren was the real culprit. However, Bloomgren vehemently denies the accusations.

“I have eight wives and smoking hot house,” Bloomgren said, “Why would I risk throwing that all away?”

According to athletic director Joe Karlgaard, Bloomgren’s job isn’t in jeopardy even if the allegations are true.

“I will never fire Mike Bloomgren,” Karlgaard said.

“With 16 wins in five years, he has earned the benefit of the doubt. Nothing he could do would make me fire him.”

Karlgaard said that Fight might be missed by the local community.

Fight was born in 1912 in Houston. A noted Owl-enthusiast, he rose to fame in the ‘50s and even met President John F. Kennedy in 1962. Fight survived attacks from cougars, a steer named Bevo, a band of raiders wearing red and whatever an

aggie is, leading some to believe that Mr. Fight would never die.

However, Fight quickly fell from glory in the second half of the 20th century, despite frequent claims to the contrary. Already ailing, Fight was shocked into a coma when the SWC dissolved in 1996. His condition temporarily improved in the

early 2010s, but regressed just as quickly. He spent time at the Nancy Mulkey Senior Center in 2021.

Karlgaard said that in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Mike Bloomgren’s legal defense fund. Mr. Fight’s funeral will be held this Sunday at Rice Stadium. Tens of people are expected to attend.

Best thrifting at Rice it’s not stealing we promise

Fast fashion is officially out. Who needs the Galleria when you can hunt down unique, affordable pieces somewhere that doesn’t require mass production and child labor? If you’re looking for a more ethical way to shop, secondhand clothing is the way to go. We’ve put together a list of the best places on campus to get thrifted pieces at very low prices.

For sustainability: Duncan College

As the most environmentally friendly college at Rice, it’s no surprise that Duncan is a top thrifting destination. Take a trip to its laundry room for free bohochic clothing items and unmatchable socks. From retro furniture to vintage accessories, Duncan is a thrifting haven for those looking to add some quirk to their lives. Plus, check out the open suites for electronics at rock-bottom prices. Those tree-huggers have it all!

For hidden gems: Brown College

With reliably broken washers and

dryers, Brown’s laundry room is another ideal spot for vintage clothing. Who knows how long that stuff has been sitting there? It may be a bit of a hike, but that just means you’ll be the first one to dig through the bins. We promise your sore legs will be worth it.

For something idk: Wie$$

Everyone knows that Wiess is the richest college, and you can bet that their wardrobes reflect it. Check out the laundry room to get that top-notch college merch without the upcharge. If you’re feeling risky, see if any of the dryers are on “delicate” — it’s never too early to start picking out your NOD look. Just don’t let their weird pig thing see you.

For high fashion: The Reggie

If you’re hoping to score some designer pieces, look no further than the home of our beloved president. The RealReal has nothing on The Reggie. It may be a little difficult to get in, but once you’re through the doors, pick up some haute couture

WAP! WAP!

suits and hair accessories that you could never afford at retail price.

For pre-sweated athleisure: The Rec Get lost in the racks of Rec’s locker rooms. This Rice staple is the go-to spot for second-hand Lululemon and Alo, with a vast selection of contemporary athletic wear at rock-bottom prices. It’s the ideal shopping destination for aspiring pilates princesses and would-be gym bros. You’ll definitely start going to the Rec regularly with the right (free) wardrobe.

For new wheels: Literally any bike rack Thrifting isn’t just for clothes and furniture — it’s also a fantastic way to score a new-to-you bike without breaking the bank. Who needs an overpriced Schwinn when you can have a charming retro bike passed down by an anonymous Fondren goer? Plus, the thrill of the find is even more exciting when you’re on the lookout for that one RUPD car that does rounds every ten minutes. So hop on your castoff ride and pedal on your way to get it some

new paint. Don’t forget to throw away that broken lock while you’re at it.

For the backrooms aesthetic: Brockman Hall

In the proud tradition of Brockman Hall for Opera’s illustrious donor, “borrow” some snazzy dorm decor from the most liminal building on campus. You can pick up some nice benches and music stands if that weird color-blocked paint doesn’t drive you insane. Just try not to take too long — those fake skylights may make you lose all sense of time, and the ghost of Robert Brockman will ALLEGEDLY appear to teach you the finer points of tax evasion if he catches you while you’re browsing.

Whether you’re a thrifting ninja or newbie, the Rice campus has bountiful options for scoring second-hand treasures. Happy hunting, and if you don’t find anything else on your shopping spree, you can guarantee that at least one of these spots will provide an orange jumpsuit free of charge!

23 See 23-across

24 Exclamation!

25 See 36-across

26 May be tested for at Rice SHS

27 Something done to a cherry

28

Something moaned in an ear, perhaps

30 The shape of some penises

31 Way to shoot your shot? (if you're King Philip II of Spain)

32 Babies' first biomes

33 "______ and gentlemen..."

34 Disinterested text response to a long paragraph

FROM PG 2: DILF. SEE MORE ON FRONT, BEER BIKE BYLINE

We had our sights set on going to Hawaii, or maybe the Bahamas. Mrs. Fight ON THEIR BOWL GAME ASPIRATIONS

SHOT ON IPHONE tombstone (1)

The Thresher is dead, please kill the Thresher

Since its founding in 1916, the Rice Thresher has had its ups and downs, questionably intersecting with decent journalism from time to time. However, the publication has experienced a sharp decline, forcing the Trasher to advocate for abolishing the Rice Thresher.

In recent years, the Thresher has persecuted “marginalized” groups with jokes about religious professors and Kafka fans. Though they cloak these practices with claims of satire and a desire to report on issues affecting students, their motives are clear: they want to silence already stifled voices on campus.

New COMP major class requirements

Again, disguised as humor, they have poked fun at dead presidents, piercing the hearts of those still mourning John F. Kennedy 60 years later. Then, disguised as journalism, they have constructed hit pieces against one of the most respected coaches in college football.

Most of all, the Thresher staff is exhausted. Please abolish this trash tabloid so we can go home, go to class and maybe get an education instead of answering our emails and begging Rice Athletics for interviews with an athlete you’ve never heard of.

Recently, a working group surveyed the undergraduate curriculum and made recommendations to better prepare computer science students to transition into society. They have

proposed modifications to help students get out of Stats Lab and into NOD. The Computer Science department is aiming to implement these changes to the degree program for the Fall 2023 semester.

Serveries to introduce color-coordinated cuisines

Following positive reception to offering different international cuisine stations each day, H&D is experimenting with a new way to organize meal stations: food color.

Beginning in April, serveries will dispense food based on their color every Monday. Their provided sample menu for blue, for instance, lists blue lobster, blue cheese, blueberries, and Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers. For red, options include tomato soup, rare steak, red velvet cake, and Red Dye 40.

H&D hopes the novelty of bright visual stimulation will be sufficient to placate students discontent with servery offerings. Chef Kyle expressed particular enthusiasm for color-coordinated cooking: “My favorite color is green!” he informed the Trasher.

Grammy-winning artist Douglas Brinkley to headline Moody X-Fest

Rice history professor and Grammy award winner Douglas Fitzgerald Brinkley will headline the Moody X-Fest next weekend, after beating out Bad Bunny in a student poll. Brinkley, known for hits such as “Space Race Rock,” “Sputnik,” “Teach me how to Dougie (D-Brinks Remix)” and “Did I Mention I’m on CNN (feat. Anderson Cooper),” will top a bill that will also include DJ FriendZone, DJ Pocketjiggs, DJ Banh Mi, David Guetta and Ice Spice.

Dean of Undergraduate Bridget Gorman said she is a big Bad Bunny fan, but student support for Brinkley was so overwhelming.

“I’m a member of the Bunny Bunch through and through, but the students have spoken,” Gorman said. “Now I have to go through a whole verano sin ti, mi amor Bad Bunny.”

Brinkley, who has taught in the history department since 2007, won a Grammy

EDITORIAL STAFF

Morgan Gage

Head of Mainstream Media Conspiracy

Ben Baker-Katz

Morgan wrangler

Bonnie Zhao

Oxford comma abominator

Hajera Naveed

Resident back cracker

Maria Morkas

Hates primary sources

Nayeli Shad

Champion of Editorial Board Tabloidism

Riya Misra

Overworked, over situationshipped

Sarah Knowlton

Riya wrangler

Michelle Gachelin

The Art and the Entertainment

Hadley Medlock

Asst. Art, Asst. Entertainment

Daniel Schrager

Optimist

Optometrist

Pavithr Goli

SI contributor

Prayag Gordy

Former senior writer

Timmy Mansfield

Resident Spongebob Expert (sorry Deema)

The Thresher's unliscenced Love Doctor's advice

My (18F) best friend (M20) just made a group chat with me and my exgirlfriend (18F) and is trying to have sex with her. What do I do?

Clearly, he wants a threesome, otherwise he wouldn’t add you to the group chat. To deter him, send a photo of you in a Teletubby full-body suit and he should ghost.

My (19F) girlfriend (20F) just sent me a voice recording of her laughing on the phone with ex-girlfriend. How should I respond?

Blink at your wall for an hour. Then send a recording of you laughing on the phone with her mother.

My (19F) boyfriend (29M) won’t stop talking about corpses during sex. Any advice? Ummmm.

for Best Jazz Ensemble after his record “Presidential Suite: Eight Variations on Freedom.”

“I hear Dougie Doug is really hip with the kids these days,” Gorman said. “I don’t get it. He’s a history professor.”

Guetta has announced that he’ll perform a cover of Vanilla Ice’s 1990 hit “Ice, Ice, Baby,” which he’ll dedicate to free speech on campus.

“I hope we can see more unity and peace in times that are already so difficult. Shoutout to the [Moody] family,” Guetta said, before sampling JFK and dropping a beat.

The Moody Fest will take place on April 7, and is definitely not designed to replace Beer Bike, Gorman said.

Ndidi Nwosu

Don’t know how she got here, tbh

Andrew Kim

Frontpage Editor, at last

Jonathan Cheng No one notices me unless we screw up

Annika Bhananker

Usually blames Jonathan

Katherine Hui

SCREENSHOT AND PAINT / GOOGLE added this caption because the article is a little short and needs some text to fill some space to make this article look even, etc etc etc lol;;;; have a great day o7 FROM FRONT: DILF. SEE MORE ON PAGE 2, THRIFTING.

Anna Chung Virtual

Siddhi Narayan

Might delete your op

Alice Sun

Knows how to put shapes & colors on a page

And text don’t forget text

FROM PG 2: DILF: CD*

Ivana Hsyung

A guy (20F) I (19F) started talking to two weeks ago claims he’s in love with me. He wants his children to have my DNA. Help.

You should lie and say you love him back so you don’t hurt his feelings.

Not a question. I (20F) am happily in love with my girlfriend (19F) of 2 years. I’m going to marry her.

I’m thrilled for you. However, you should ghost her for two months. Happiness scares you and you shouldn’t be able to fathom the idea of your wellness being tethered to another human. Emotional attachment is for children. Dump her and spend the rest of your life having meaningless and miserable sex. It’s fine if you’re depressed — at least you have great tits.

The Rice Trasher, the official student newspaper of Rice University since 1916, is published each April 1st, every year by the students of Rice University.

Longest-serving current Thresher staff member (but has only ever written one article)

Cali Liu

Seems chill but probably stressed Running on too little sleep (and too much caffeine)

Camille Kao

Video director for the “moon landing”

Eli Johns-Krull

For sure has seen a camera. Probably.

Brandon Chen Office snacc (the whole meal)

The last remnants of Chen and Chan

Might’ve written/photographed/designed/ videoed/sent an email sometimes

Ivana once again adding more lines so this can wrap properly

BNOC stands for BrandoN On Campus

Robert Heeter

Supreme

InDesign Deity

The reason this paper functions

A silly goose

Trasher designer

Gets the last say on this masthead, suck it

Chloe Chan small like really small but powerful

Lauren Yu

Carries Backpage on her back

Edelawit Negash Strictly business

Anna Rajagopal

Social media lurker

Vanessa Chuang

Living her dream

Nikhaz Omar

The Trasher’s favorite retiree

Jayaker Kolli Puzz(ling) in Boots

The Riddler

Letters to the Editor must be received by 5 p.m. on the Friday prior to publication and must be signed, including college and year if the writer is a Rice student. The Trasher reserves the right to rip your letter to shreds.

Editorial and business offices are located on the second floor of the Ley Student Center. We kind of really want to move out tho ngl :point_right: :point_left: : 6100 Main St., MS-524 Houston, TX 77005-189

Phone: (713) 348 - 5010

Email: dilfhunter69@gmail.com

Website: www.ricetrasher.org

The Trasher is a member of the ACS and BALLS.

TRASHER MAD LIBS!

It’s finally Beer Bike morning—I feel so __________! I’ll start the day by drinking ______ __________ and ______________ to my favorite banger, ________________.

Once I finish eating a full breakfast of __________, I go by ______________ to the Martel public! Golly, the line must be ______ hours long! I wasn’t able to get a wristband, so I’ll use ___________ to adhere one around my wrist. What a __________ party!

Color war time in Central Quad!! Gah, somebody threw __________ powder in my __________! I have to wash it out, but that’s no problem; the water balloon fight is next!

Lucky for me, _______________ prepared ______ ___________ of water balloons. As soon as the fight begins, I pick up a water balloon and hurl it at __________! Uh oh, they’re not happy… better escape to the parade; our parade float looks so __________!

Let the races begin! The crowd’s roaring, “________________,” and I’m so excited I might __________. Our bikers raced faster than a __________ and our chuggers gulped that water down like it was __________! Woohoo, our team placed _______________! I’m so __________, and I can’t wait to sleep in __________ for the rest of the day.

Martel Sundeck Public

Ticket: $50 OBO

Responds to ??? (have tried everything)

Reward: $9.98/month

Men $8/hour

Women $12/hour