VOLUME 420, ISSUE NO. 69 | STUDENT-RUN SINCE 1916
Student credit hour limit capped at 4 The Faculty Senate passed a resolution Tuesday to limit the total number of credit hours to four per semester for all undergraduate students. In order to satisfy the new limitation, chemical and biomolecular engineering will be removed as a major. According to the Committee on Undergraduate Curriculum, research showed that the change would affect only the small fraction of students who hoped to graduate from Rice within four years. “Spending five, six or even seven years at Rice is a great way to really take full advantage of all of the opportunities we have here,” Faculty Senate Speaker James Weston said. “The limits also alleviate problems such as larger class sizes. I mean, why would we work to add more sections and hire more faculty when we can just prevent students from taking classes in the first place? It’s brilliant!” New students who are currently able to drop courses until the last day of classes said they did not feel adequately coddled. “I really cannot be expected nor allowed to take control of my own mental, emotional, and physical health,” Buster Mills, a Martel College freshman, said. According to Weston, the elimination of the chemical and biomolecular engineering major has been discussed for several years. “I mean let’s be frank here, it’s just irresponsible to ask a student to complete 41 hours of core credits,” Weston said. “Also, does anyone actually want to work in a refinery?” Leebron said he declined to comment until the Faculty Senate had voted. He was later informed that the vote had already occurred and the resolution had passed.
RICETHRESHER.ORG | FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
Leebron is Cruz’s 5th mistress, sources confirm
An offer he could refuse but, like, didn’t
real fucking photo courtesy rice public media
In the dimly lit ballroom, under the warm glow of the flickering candles, presidential candidate and alleged Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz was seen whispering sweet nothings into President David Leebron’s ear. At press time, sources say Cruz ushered Leebron aside, while the latter giggled about the size of his endowment. [Editor’s Note: This Photo Is Real. We Shit You Not.]
Sexually frustrated students propose Administration ‘Clitoral Thinking in Sexuality’ class declares ‘War on Pollen’
A state of emergency was declared Tuesday as fallen pollen wreaked havoc on sinuses across campus. Spring, a season normally known for mens’ hearts turning to fancy and flowers blooming, was characterized this year with an aerial equivalent to an algal bloom. “This is the worst it’s ever been,” President David Leebron wheezed. “I can’t focus on turning Rice into an Ivy with all of this seed sperm stuff up my schnozz.” In a grave public statement, Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson declared, “[The disaster] makes Reagan’s drug war look like a field of daisies, the war on cancer like rows of sunflowers and ISIS, a bouquet of roses. Imagine all three of those events coming together and producing pollen — that’s exactly what we’re dealing with.” The active war zone on campus, administration has confirmed, will “not impede daily events such as classes,” although they warn that “there may be significant delays in tree-heavy areas such as the Grove, Central Quad and the Inner Loop.” An inside source in Housing & Dining has suggested that emergency Kleenex stations may be erected at flashpoints of the outbreak. Why has the pollen gone pandemic? Some scientists say El Nino. The Religious Studies department alleges that it’s a new-era plague of Biblical proportions. Regardless of the suppositions, the current cataclysm certainly supersedes the Baker College illness of earlier this semester. As Leebron solemnly stated, “No amount of Aller-tec and Mucinex can save us now. We simply need to wait this out, then make it through the blistering summer, and hopefully see a couple decent weeks in late fall before it gets hot again.”
Citing mass sexual frustration and unfulfillment in numerous areas on campus, namely dorm rooms, Fondren study rooms and, most importantly, the vulva, the Student Association has proposed a mandatory class for all freshmen, titled “Clitoral Thinking in Sexuality.” Though the subject matter is still being heavily debated, the syllabus will likely include bumpin, grindin and fulfilling yo woman, with an optional seminar in the spring semester on eating the booty like groceries. “I’m fed up!” Will Rice College junior Anita Kohm said. “Even the most devoted guy spending 40-plus minutes down there gets me nowhere. Rice guys are great at coming up unsolicited and rubbing their wangs on me at public parties, but a girl needs more than that, you know?”
Some students are unconvinced that the class will add anything to their sexual abilities. “I learned everything I need to know about pleasuring a woman from porn,” Jones College freshman Harry Benjamin declared enthusiastically. “The Internet already offers us a wealth of information on the subject. For instance, since buying a subscription to Brazzers I now understand that women love big bald dudes with veiny foreheads. Foreplay usually involved delivering a pizza, picking her up in some sort of ‘bang bus,’ or being her stepson who unwittingly releases her lustful cougar desires. I just don’t think we need a mandatory class.” Others have cited concerns over the logistics of the class.
“Who is gonna pay for this? If this is going to be done right, we need, at the very least, vibrators, role play outfits and blueberry-scented lube. That shit does not come cheap,” worried Wiess College sophomore Richard Killinit said. Elsewhere, many students have criticized the plan to have graduate students teach the class because, well, that’s fucking creepy. Another controversial aspect of the bill involves a proposed lab component; however, proponents of the lab point to Rice’s ideal facilities. “I don’t know if you’ve been to Abercrombie laboratories, but shit is fucking nuts in there. They have swings, dungeons, glory holes, we’d be fools not to use it for this class!” Kohm said.
The proposal is slated to go before the Faculty Senate, where proponents hope to find support among faculty who relate to their plight. Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson offered his support in a statement to the Trasher. “I think this class is great! It follows all of my three Rs: Reverence for the vulva and the yonnic power of women; Realistic — Rice men will never realistically stimulate their partner in a manner consistent with our peer institutions without this class; and Rubbing — not too much but not too little, just enough to get the job done.” If this bill is successful, the White Heterosexual Cisgender Male Resource Center plans on following up with a class proposal of its own titled, Critical Engagements with the Prostate.
Leebron announces new Followership Institute President David Leebron announced Friday that alumnus Conway Roland Aubrey Windemear (Wiess ’99) has decided to donate $52.4 million to Rice University in order to establish a new initiative for students, the Windemear Institute for New Followers. “I’m happy to be putting this money forward to establish the Institute,” Windemear said. “I honestly couldn’t think of any greater cause in the world than trying to teach Rice students to be better at a fundamentally unteachable concept like followership, leadership or entrepreneurship. Besides, it’s about time I started paying for my name to be on something.” The Institute, which will be headed by renowned former caboose driver Mike McDuncerson, is aimed at the
ability of students to be followers and “to really figure out what followership means to them personally,” according to Windemear. McDuncerson said being a follower is critical to getting ahead in the current media-driven, corporate job landscape. “Some of the existing leadership programs on campus actually have given us something of a head start in followership,” McDuncerson said. “I mean, if followership isn’t blindly signing up for a new initiative en masse because its use of buzzwords eases your deeply rooted fears about your career, I don’t know what it is!” Leebron said improving students’ abilities to follow could lead to better results in the business world. According to Leebron, Rice suffers from a lack
of resources directed towards students’ entrepreneurial development. “If you’re a student who wants to become an entrepreneur, there are just a few places on campus you can turn to,” Leebron said. “Right now there’s only the Rice Center for Engineering Leadership, Rice Launch, Rice Conversations, the Leadership Rice Mentorship Experience, the Rice Alliance for Technology and Entrepreneurship, the Jones Entrepreneurship Club, Entrepreneurship@Rice, Owlspark, pitch contests, the Rice Center for Engineering Leadership, Rice Launch and the Rice Alliance for Technology and Entrepreneurship.” “Oh, I forgot the McNair Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation and the Liu Idea Lab for Innovation and
Entrepreneurship,” he added. “Or is it the other way around? Did I say Rice Launch twice? Regardless, this situation needs to change — students need more options.” Leebron said more followership initiatives were in the works. “We’re currently a little stuck on name development,” he said. “Turns out there are only so many ways you can cram together ‘Rice,’ ‘Leadership,’ ‘Entrepreneur,’ ‘Innovation,’ and so on in a sentence. Plus, I can’t use my thesaurus app right now because I dropped my iPhone in a pitcher of beer at Valhalla last week.” Leebron was last seen crying after reading a press release about Princeton University’s new $152.4 million Archibald Initiative for Student Followers.
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Friday, April 1, 2016
the Rice Trasher
a Weekly Editorial The Trasher endorses Griffin Thomas for U.S. president After careful thought and deliberation, the Trasher has decided to endorse Griffin Thomas for President of the United States. We briefly considered endorsing Bernie Sanders, since his idea of free college is actually more realistic than holding SJP accountable. But something about this charming young whipper-snapper has us all excited about his national campaign. He’s our generation’s Obama, but like, white. Why Thomas is more viable than Donald Trump ò Has a healthy head of hair. ò Plan for securing Rice’s hedges more costefficient than Trump’s wall. ò Did not claim to have a hotter spouse than Joan Liu. Why Thomas is a better choice than Cruz ò Is probably not the Zodiac Killer. ò Does not look like that one pervy uncle at Thanksgiving. ò Did not tweet a photo of Joan Liu’s spouse sprawled naked on the cover of GQ. Why Thomas beats Bernie ò Less likely to die in office TBH. ò Less likely to get a hip replacement. ò Doesn’t have a son who calls him by his first name. ò He’s not the fucking Bird Man. Why Thomas trumps Hillary ò Political career too young to have consistently advocated for foreign policy decisions that have destabilized the Middle East. ò Panders slightly less to minorities. ò He is, in fact, my abuela. Why Thomas kick’s Kasich’s butt ò Nationally has better name recognition than Kasich. ò As of now has not vowed to defund the Women’s Resource Center.
RICE UNIVERSITY POLICE DEPARTMENT Daily Crime Log Location(s)
Date/Time
Perpetrator
Notes
Status
Inner Loop
03/25/16 0934
Live oak
Perpetrator attacked pedestrians’ noses, mouths, eyes with copious amount of plant sperm.
Arrest: Battery. Perpetrator to be cut down to make room for new RechargeU supercenter.
Allen Center
03/25/16 1200
Rice Philanthropy
Perpetrator approached students portraying self-interested donations to billion-dollar institution as “philanthropy.”
Arrest: False advertising. Name will change to “Rice give-us-more-money-so-we-look-good.”
RMC Circle Drive
03/26/16 1112
EMS
Joyriding EMS golf cart struck student riding hoverboard to class.
Arrest: Reckless driving, vehicular personslaughter.
Fondren
03/26/16 2346
Junior English major
Upon realizing he had forgotten ID at Jones, perpetrator leapt turnstile, but hidden Coffeehouse double skim Cup of Glambition fell out from under jacket
Arrest: Trespassing, smuggling. Sentenced to life imprisonment on Fondy fourth.
Lovett Hall
03/27/16 1530
John Hutchinson
Perpetrator found to be ringleader of student boba cartel.
Allen Center
03/30/16 0000
David Leebron
Perpetrator launched investigation of Student Judicial Programs practices, reportedly considering SJP staff changes.
Active: Upon attempted arrest, perpetrator tried to turn confrontation into ‘learning experience’ for RUPD officers. Upon continued attempts at arrest, threw spiced chai boba powder in officers’ faces, apologized politely, and fled. Neutralized. The president will happen to ‘slip’ on the wet tiles in front of Fondy - a tragedy.
Leebron reprimands board of trustees on ‘immense goof’; Rice moves forward with tuition cuts
Last week, announcements of a tuition hike were met with disapproval from the student body. Allegations were thrown, and banter exchanged, but none of it seemed like it would change the board of trustees’ decision to increase tuition by 3.2 percent. Exasperated, students saw the increase as the latest affront to their persons; in the past, administration has targeted their party liberties, and now they have turned to attacking students’ wallets. However, in an unanticipated press conference Tuesday morning, President David Leebron denounced a calculative mistake made by the board. “I can’t believe I’m saying this,” he squawked. “But a simple issue of poor pen-
manship has snowballed into an unwarranted uproar.” The $1,600 increase, as it turns out, was the unintended result of a stray negative sign. While the numbers were correct, the decision rendered was tuition drop, rather than a hike. Tuition for the 2016-17 school year will decrease from the current $40,566 down to $38,966. “I was never great at cursive,” Leebron admitted. In light of the error, the Board of Trustees has moved forward with a plan to abolish handwritten notation from Rice campus. Chairman Robert B. Tudor III said, “It’s time we move past the archaic modes of documentation, and focus on the future: typing. We don’t do these things because they are easy. We do them be-
cause the old methods are obsolete. Why get rid of handwriting? Why does Rice continue to have an athletics program?” “The vision for the second century is malleable,” Leebron said. “To paraphrase Captain Barbossa, ‘It’s more like a set of guidelines, anyway.’” As typing is phased out of the Rice culture, one cannot help but draw comparisons to similar moves being made by administrations at Harvard, Yale and Princeton. Dismissed as “sheer coincidence” by President Leebron, Rice is to move forward with the initiative alongside the implementation of Greek life, eradication of the “master” title and the institutionalization of a strong superiority complex.
paid for by the trasher
Committee Updates Here are project updates from what our amazing SA Committees have been working on this semester!
Environmental Committee Busy Ourselves with a Task that No One will Bother to Notice A project to maintain appearances in the public eye. It actually is one of the better, more socially responsible things being done on this campus, not that you care. Probably has something to do with food waste, or tightening up water valves. End goals include: (1) finding data about our University’s excessive habits, (2) making you feel bad about it for tops five minutes, and (3) helping you realize that you still won’t recycle coffee cups because you’re always rushing in the morning and don’t have time to reach that extra arm’s-length to throw them in the blue bin. Student Life Committee Fondy F-Shack You’ve moaned, and – even though you thought no one was listening – we’ve heard! After weeks of passionate discussions with the administration, what was once a mere conception has birthed into a full-blown reality. The sixth floor of Fondren Library will soon house the first national “Couple’s Closet” on any American university campus. Feel free to drop by anytime during normal business hours – just remember to be quiet! Couples (or triplets, quadruplets, etc.) can stop by and pick up a key at the circulation desk. And for you lone wolves, try out one of the Masturbation Stations located in the many bathroom stalls across campus. Something to do with the Meal Plan Guess what? It’s staying exactly the fucking same. Weekly Minutes 8:00 p.m. - President Thomas calls meeting to order, despite an audience consisting of one member. 8:01 p.m. - Complete silence permeates the room. 8:05 p.m. - Secretary Pai coughs audibly, everyone turns and looks. 8:06 p.m. - Further quiet. 8:10 p.m. - Thomas asks audience member if she has any questions to ask or concerns to raise. 8:11 p.m. - Audience member says she’s only there to film the meeting for RVP. 8:11 p.m. - Gentlemen sporting a suit and mask with various question marks – akin to Jim Carrey’s portrayal of the Riddler in Joel Schumacher’s “Batman Forever” – and sitting in for EVP chuckles. 8:12 p.m. - IVP Luthra looks on disapprovingly, tranquility resumes. 8:15 p.m. - Door creaks open, and a woman peeks in. Thomas’s eyes beam with anticipation for her participation in the meeting. 8:16 p.m. - “Are you guys selling boba?” Thomas slumps in his chair and shakes his head. She ducks her head back out. 8:17 p.m. - Stillness returns. 8:20 p.m. - Riddler EVP guy makes a motion to adjourn. 8:21 p.m. - Woman filming for RVP seconds. Meeting adjourned.
New religion incorporated by Boniuk Council On Sunday, the Boniuk Institute officially adopted the Church of DJ Khaled, Rapper, into its listings of recognized religions. A Boniuk Council official said, “It was time we had another one.” Khaled, 40, has taken the international community by storm with an innovative type of church. Notably, the CDJK, R is the first religious establishment to exist strictly on social media. Deemed “the start of the theodigital revolution” by Mark Zuckerberg and “the best thing since Scientology” by Tom Cruise, Khaled has confirmed that “all [he and his congregation] do is win.” The church has established itself with a positive creed emphasizing individual potential for growth and success. Moreover, the notion of community is inte-
gral to the Church. Khaled’s powerful declaration that “We The Best” exemplifies an invitation to the public to join him, and be uplifted by their own greatness. Chef Dee, a follower of Khaled and his personal cook, noted that “We got veal … veal chops, we got chopped salad, we got vegetable pasta, we got beef ribs and some cauliflower.” True to form, Dee embodies the principle that when “they don’t want you to eat,” you have to eat — and eat well. While the Boniuk religious holiday and events calendar for the upcoming year has yet to be released, an unnamed official has confirmed that Khaled’s appearances at the Austin City Limits and Panorama Music Festivals will make the cut. This article was brought to you by Ciroc.
Friday, April 1, 2016
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the Rice Trasher
WHAT’S NIP RIGHT NOW INSIDE LOOK: This is a nipple
W
Still a nipple, but notice the tasteful play of colors
O HETER SEXUAL E T CI HI S
META:
Long, furry nipples
An every day nipple, it could be yours
Gmail
G
EN DE RESOUR C E ALE CE RM
TRUMP
ART:
FASHION:
COMPOSE Inbox
Show Your Support and get Rewards (But we’re not desperate!) Rice Athletics
Starred Important Sent Mail Drafts
Hey #RiceStudents! Make sure you come out and #support your fellow Owls over break! Men’s and women’s track, baseball, men’s and women’s tennis, and golf all have games this weekend. Sadly, none of the games are at home, so we’re partnering with Southwest Airlines, United Airlines, Hawaiian Airlines and Cathay Pacific Airways to fly out the first 1,500 students to any game of their choice! Well, we say “partnering,” but we really just bought 1,500 tickets from them. Whom are we kidding, our combined attendance for all athletic events this year probably doesn’t come close to 1,500, so if you want to come to a game we’ll give you, say, 10 tickets that you can use to fly to any location serviced by our “partners.” Just make sure at least one of your destination is a Rice Athletics event … please? Come on out, it’ll be a #H00T! As an added bonus, check out this #tbt #throwbackthurssday pic of our very own Coach Bailiff! Talk about a #MiddleSchoolRedemption (and a #mancrushWednesday for that matter)!
NT E
R
Trump to inaugurate White, Heterosexual, Cisgender Male resource center Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson announced Tuesday that Rice will see the opening of a new safe space on campus for white, heterosexual, cisgendere male students. Presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump, who has personally overcome misandry and reverse racism, has generously donated $5 million to form the White, Heterosexual, Cisgender Male Resource Center at Rice. The WHCMRC is set to open by fall 2016 and will have a central location in the Rice Memorial Center as well as liaisons called “Shit Lords” at each residential college. Among white, male students, there is a distinct need for greater academic and emotional support tailored to their unique wants and needs. According to sophomore electrical engineering major Scott Pemutzle, classes at Rice that are inundated with people who look almost identical to him, are completely unaccessible. “When I walk into a classroom awash with pale, heteronormative, masculine faces, I feel completely lost,” Pemutzle said. “At Rice, I am just another shit lord in a sea of white men.” The center will aim to promote student welfare by addressing the major issues that plague the white, male, heterosexual, cis-gendered population on campus, including, but not limited to, overwhelming amounts opportunities, fair pay for time spent working and ability to walk across campus at night without enough fear of harassment or assault. Hutchinson said that growing up in the bygone days of unabashed misandry severely stunted his career as a young chemistry professor. “While I hear and understand white, male students’ frustrations and thoroughly sup-
port the [WHCMRC], none of the students at Rice today understand what it was like to attend the University of Texas as a white male in the 1970s,” Hutchinson said. “I remember being instantly admitted into my chemistry PhD program above women and minority applicants who were just as or more qualified than me. The immediate acceptance removed all excited and suspense from my decision notification.” According to alumnus Liam Smith (’92), he feels that his college experience would have been dramatically improved had he had access to a resource center such as the WHCMRC. He remembers the crushing blow dealt to him the first time a female minority student earned a much better score on a problem set than he did. “I vividly remember the first day a black woman scored higher than me on an assignment. It was during my freshman year in differential calculus, and I was devastated,” Smith said. “I would have given anything to have a safe space where I could go to validate both my masculinity and racial superiority.” The Rice Student Association is putting together a working group to best execute the formation of the WHCMRC. The WHCMRC working group is tasked with designing the center, selecting “Shit Lord” representatives and finding qualified faculty with strong track records of validating men for both their sexuality and superior intelligence, to staff the center. Trump has offered to help hand select the students in the working group, and has said he wants the working group students to be extremely articulate. “The students in the working group must have the best words,” Trump said. Hopefully the WHCMRC will bring brighter, less inclusive days for all of Rice’s campus.
Now THAT is savage (rip Coach Bailiff)! Make sure you post your Middle School Redemption #pictures to the Facebook, because the first 50 students to Tweet at @RiceOwldotcom with their pictures will get FREE boba from Tea Bar until they graduate! Again, we’re eating 100 percent of that cost, so we sure hope that at least, like, five of you take us up on it. We’re starting to get a lot of free stuff building up at the office here since no one ever comes to games to collect.
PROBABLY SKIP MOST GAMES
? PLEASE
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Friday, April 1, 2016
the Rice Trasher
Rice Stadium naming rights sold to Viagra Citing a pressing need to increase Rice’s endowment, President Leebron announced today that he has sold Rice Stadium’s naming rights. Beginning next football season, the stadium will be known as the Viagra Colosseum. According to Leebron, the sale will provide a much-needed boost to the university’s funds. “Today is a great day,” Leebron said. “Viagra has greatly increased the size of my endowment.” The negotiations, though intense, did not last long. Leebron said he was glad that he was able to come to a conclusion. “Viagra made it hard, but their representatives were cooperative,” Leebron said. “Thankfully, the negotiations didn’t last long. They actually ended in less than four hours.” The $20 million sale will increase Rice’s $5.5 billion endowment by about 0.36 percent. According to Leebron, this increase will provide immeasurable benefits to the Rice community. “The more money we have in our endowment, the higher our endowment is,” Leebron said. “And the higher our endowment is, the more monetary resources we have. I cannot emphasize that enough.” Viagra’s representatives are equally thrilled with the agreement. When asked why Viagra chose to make a deal with Rice, spokesman Jon Sigurdsson said
that the company saw a budding market on the Rice campus. “We feel that this community is an untapped source of revenue for Viagra products,” Sigurdsson said. “According to studies, male students on this campus ... Well, um, the market should be good.” The stadium’s christening will take place at the football team’s spring game in early April. Those who attend will receive free Viagra products. In an unprecedented turn of events, tickets to the spring football game have already sold out. According to Rice’s Associate Athletics Direct o r/ M a r k e t i n g Director Jana Woodson, however, the free products likely David Leebron have little to do with ticket sales. Rice President “The giveaway may look like the reason for the sellout, but in fact it is a direct result of our marketing strategy,” Woodson said. “We emailed a picture of Charlie Sheen drinking tiger blood in a promotional email and it really resonated with fans of Rice athletics. That’s why people came.” As part of the deal, Viagra will pay for stadium renovations. In his closing comments on the sale, Leebron said Viagra is doing Rice a great favor by supporting the stadium and extending its lifetime. “Even in its old age, Viagra will make sure the stadium continues to stand tall,” Leebron said.
Viagra made it hard, but their representatives were cooperative. Thankfully, the negotiations didn’t last long.
POSSIBLE NAMES M U I D A T S A R N
C HR ISTIANMINGL
E . C O M PA R K
W E BU YU G LY H O U SE S. CO M BO U G H T TH IS STAD IU M K R A P N O R B E E L . W D I V A D VIAGRA STADIUM TH E 12 TH R ES ID EN T I A L C O LL E G E T I N ’S S U A , S A X E T F O Y UNIVERSIT D L E I F E C I T C A R P W NE
(MIS)CLASSIFIEDS @rice.edu WANTED CLEANING SERVICES A heavy-duty, 100-foot fire department hose to clean the unspecified vermin coating Stairwell A of McMurtry College. Some demon’s sperm manifested from the deepest recesses of hell over the weekend and expelled the most vicious and violently offending odor, infecting the college’s air conditioning system. TL;DR My dick neighbor threw chunks last night. If you want to see what a half-digested meal of double bacon cheeseburger, cottage cheese, funyuns and tres leches cake all look like together, hit up McMurtry Stairwell A. PARTICIPANTS NEEDED IN FOOD HABITS STUDY Do you take your sweet time picking out all of the strawberries? Do you take the last two sliders and/or pizza slices despite the long line of hungry people behind you? Do you stop to text in front of the napkins and utensils dispensers? If so, we’d like to extend to you a special FUCK YOU. Fuck you, fuck your family, fuck your dog and fuck your next orgo test grade.
TUTOR NEEDED Tutor to teach my three-year-old child learn how to add. Required: CPR Certified, Advanced Math Degree, GPA >4.0. Desirable: Tall, white, muscular, with sizable hands, experience handling older books, endurance for long, hard, study sessions. SEARCHING FOR SATAN Do you have experience with thievery? Zodiac killing? Murder? If so, we need your direct ties to Ted Cruz (aka Satan) to help us convince the Dark Lord to replace Lisa Zollner as the new Student Judicial Programs’ Assistant Director. We’re looking for someone who can prosper on the tears of young, unsuspecting, malleable children and still sleep like a baby at night. Benefits include networking prospects for the afterlife and eternal damnation. RIDE NEEDED I am taking the MCAT this Saturday (April 2) and need a ride to Dante’s Circles, seventh floor basement before 8 a.m. If you are going, please call 666-666-6666.