VOLUME 1738, ISSUE NO. 69 | STUDENT-RUINED SINCE 1916 | RICEPURITYTEST.COM | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017
CHEAP EATS
THE THRESHER IS BIASED
Houston’s best sandwiches under $50
“Uuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
see A&E p. 6
see Ops p. 5
POWDERPUFF ALLSTARS DEFEAT FOOTBALL TEAM Powderpuff QB to start for football team
see Sports p. 9
Admin enacts travel ban against Brown College students
Golden showers
Bathrooms at Rice to become student art spaces The Moody Center has made an innovative and generous first step towards increasing student art space on campus. “We finally decided to take a look at Rice’s only student gallery, Matchbox,” a Moody Center representative said. “It’s really an interesting space. We walked in and immediately thought: closet. That’s when the gears started turning. This is the logical next step.” Bathrooms at Rice are currently severely underutilized, serving only three purposes: pissing, shitting,
and crying. Now, they’ll also be places for people to grumble to themselves, “I could do that.” The project will take the best visual art produced in VADA classes and install it on the walls of bathroom stalls. Other future options for art installation in bathrooms could include toilet paper, toilet bowls, and eventually just throwing the pieces in the trash. In response to the initiative, some VADA students have expressed that they’re, like,
basically impossible to please. “I put 15 hours of work into this drawing and I don’t like the idea of it being constantly sprayed by toilet water and... God knows what else. But I guess it’s better that some people glance at my self-portrait while they’re — uh, you know — than that it never sees the light of day,” Wiess freshman VADA major Sreekumar Rai said as he browsed transfer applications. Others took problem with the fact that the Moody Center is currently the only building on
campus that isn’t being considered for the initiative. In response to student concerns about their art potentially being damaged, Alison Weaver said “C’mon guys, remember the party? You loved the party. We had Google Tilt Brush there!” Also in the works is an ~interdisciplinary~ Moody CenterDoerr Institute performance art piece in which actors dressed in business attire shake and scream about the benefits package and salary of their consulting job.
Pre-meds create emergency pre-med task force to pad pre-med resumes Will Rice College Senator Charity Melvin introduced a bill at Monday’s Student Association Senate meeting to charter the Emergency Aid to PreMedicine Education Task Force. Melvin, a sophomore, lamented feelings of isolation and abandonment being a pre-medical student at Rice, which she said the bill would address. “It’s hard being only 40 percent of the student body,” Melvin, who said she was deciding between dermatology and plastic surgery as a future specialty, said. “More than half the people I interact with on a daily basis are too self-centered to pursue a future sacrificing their lives for humanity.” According to Melvin, the task force would include 537 members, including one chair, three co-chairs, 15 subcommittee chairs, 35 subsubcommittee chairs, and 498 subsub-sub-committee chairs. “We really thought it was important for us all to have leadership opportunities as the future leaders of medicine,” Melvin said. “Followers are the ones who
hand us the scalpels — you know, architecture majors and the like.” In line with the goal of providing leadership opportunities, Melvin said a sub-sub-subcommittee of the task force would develop more impressive-sounding titles for each of the task force members. Melvin said such titles include the “liaison for liaising with all 49 sub-sub-sub committees” and the “head dietician for the 34th subcommittee” who is responsible for stealing cookies from North Servery. Melvin named several specific goals for the task force for the upcoming year: raising the average grade in General Chemistry to at least an A+, placing pre-meds in the leadership of every Rice organization, getting MCAT studying counted as credit hours, paying for pre-med resume generators, and locating volunteer opportunities with minimal effort-to-appearance ratios. After Melvin presented the bill at Senate, SA President and amateur soap carver Griffin Thomas opened the floor to debate, but most SA
members appeared to be on their phones, sleeping or getting a head start on the line for Tiff ’s Treats at the back of the room. “Hey, cookies only stay warm for so long,” Brown College President Santiago Avila said.
Followers are the ones who hand us the scalpels – you know, architecture majors and the like. Charity Melvin WRC SA Senator The bill passed unanimously, ending the 20 minute long SA meeting. Jones College freshman James Fung, who said he decided to be a doctor after traveling to Nicaragua
to work with one-armed children and also after researching career salaries online, said he was excited to hear about the creation of the task force. “The amount of resources available to pre-meds at Rice right now is abysmal,” he said. “Besides the Health Professions Advising Orientation, Health Professions Fair, individualized Office of Academic Advising attention and recommendations, Health Professions listserv, Medical Professionalism and Observership course and Vice Dean for Health Professions, we have absolutely nothing!” Martel College freshman and 521st sub-sub-sub committee member Cecelia Diem, said the task force will help her to cleanse her life of all things non-pre-med. “I love spending Saturday nights with my orgo textbooks,” Diem, who recently dropped her bioengineering major and switched to cognitive science, said. “My parents totally aren’t forcing me to study this.”
In response to multiple security concerns, Rice President David Leebron has placed a travel ban on students from Brown College, effective immediately. Brown students will not be permitted to swipe into on-campus facilities unless they acquire approval on a case-by-case basis. These measures will be in place until “we can figure out what the hell is going on,” Leebron said in a press conference. On the day of the ban, Brown students were turned away in droves from academic buildings and other residential colleges, causing many students to be stranded in the Academic Quadrangle. RUPD installed dozens of checkpoints around campus, and due to severe short-staffing, was forced to enlist Housing and Dining employees to check students’ identifications. Leebron said any Brown student unhappy with the ban could appeal the decision to Student Judicial Programs. However, students questioned the constitutionality of SJP proceedings after reports emerged that Brown students were denied legal counsel.
I am disappointed that the Trasher would stoop to the level of fake news. David Leebron Rice President For several years, the Leebron administration has expressed concerns over the many incidences of bike thefts, armed muggings and stalking that have originated at Brown. With this new travel ban, Leebron pledged to reduce crime on campus and secure Rice’s hedges. Brown sophomore Mohammad Al-ahsan said he felt the administration was neglecting the fact that nearly all Brown students are victims to crimes, not the perpetrators. “Our buildings are falling apart. Bricks fall off from towers, while our electricity and water is shut off on a regular basis,” Al-ahsan said. “Our standard of living is significantly lower compared to the rest of the university. We are the victims here, but Leebron is just preoccupied with appealing to his college-ist fan base.” Leebron slammed critics who claimed the travel ban constitutes discrimination. “Despite claims by the mainstream media, this ban is not discriminatory.” Leebron wrote in a statement. “I am disappointed that the Trasher would stoop to the level of fake news.” Next week, the Leebron administration is expected to announce plans for a barbed wire hedge around the campus’ borders.
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the Rice Trasher
Critical Thinking in Sexuality course delayed until 2020 The mandatory Critical Thinking in Sexuality course has been delayed until fall 2020 due to concerns that the course material is too provocative for university students and could potentially offend any individual, ever, according to [insert long title] Alison Vogt. Due to limitations on what instructors are allowed to say in class, Vogt said the course will now center around an instructor pointing to a cucumber and gasping. “We can’t talk about rape culture, because some people say that doesn’t exist and all opinions are valid,” Vogt said. “I’ve been told discussions about birth control give Jesus a hernia, so that’s off the table. Some students have expressed concerns that talking about sex trafficking could get a little ‘hoe-y’ so we’ve decided it’s best to steer clear of that too. At this point really, we’re just stuck gesticulating at a cucumber and hoping that students pick up on the myriad ways in which the patriarchy maintains oppressive structures and promotes violence against women.” According to Vogt, this cucumber curriculum is in alignment with the Center for Disease Control’s requirements on sex education in universities, unlike serious discussions on how to end human trafficking and how knowingly passing sexually transmitted infections to partners constitutes relationship violence. “I’m just so glad Rice is doing sex education the same way we did in my Catholic high school,” Baker College freshman Polly Turner said. “It’s really nice to have that comfort of knowing that we too, although touting ourselves as a liberal haven, fail to provide the sex education students need to be responsible members of society.” Dean of Undergraduates and part-time oneman a cappella group John Hutchinson said he was overjoyed by the new structure of the class. “This course follows along with my 3R’s: really, really respectful,” Hutchinson said. “This proves student leaders at Rice can conceive of and create courses to keep one another safe from any sort of reliable information on sexual health.”
DAILY CRIME LOG Nature (Classification)
Location
Date/Time Reported
Description
Theft
Brown College
03/08/17 12:02:13am
The usual — student accosted when returning to college. Maybe we’ll start patrolling here?
Loitering
Moody Center
03/21/17 3:02:42pm
Suspect apprehended spending copious amounts of time in front of a picture. Unacceptable.
Oversaucing
West Servery
Every day
Suspect taken into custody. Removing his tope, he claimed it was “the only way to make the chicken taste OK.”
Having a good time
Willy’s Pub
03/23/17 11:44:15am
Suspect confronted while drinking and hanging out with friends.
Fake news
RMC 2nd floor
2/15/17 8:29:01pm
Suspects reprimanded by community at large. Later acquitted.
SA IN BRIEF Trasher Prints SA Pocket Constitution in Public Service to Senate The Rice Trasher printed and distributed fifty pocket-sized copies of the Student Association Constitution to members of the Senate on Monday night. According to Assistant News Editor Emily ‘Biz’ Rankovic, the move is an attempt by the Trasher to save the time it typically spends on writing articles regarding SA constitutional violations. “Honestly, I would just like some time to write about something other than the SA’s ability to locate the ctrl+f button on their keyboard,” Rankovic, a
Jones/Lovett sophomore/freshman said, as s/he adjusted his/her short-sleeved button-down shirt. SA President Justin Onwenu said he was looking forward to starting a Constitution book club with the Parliamentarian to read the 20-page document over the twelve months of their term. Former SA President Griffin Thomas and repeat violator of the Constitution disapproved of the Trasher’s actions, calling them unnecessary. “I know I said that no one should be
expected to know the whole Constitution because it’s too long,” Thomas said. “But no one should be expected to know it even when it’s short. It’s just too hard. The SA should be free to concentrate on other things, like making task forces and committees.” After several failed attempts to get SA members to take the pocket Constitutions home with them, the Trasher was successfully able to distribute the governing document by pairing them with Shipley’s Donuts at Senate, Trojan-horse style.
Letter to the Editor: Mad Libs Edition Do you think the Thresher does an inadequate job of providing the Rice University campus with quality news but don’t have the time to formally file your complaints? Us too! That’s why we created this template to facilitate all past, present and future criticism. Enclose your completed letter, with options that pertain to your objection(s) circled, in a postmarked envelope addressed to... The Trash Can in the Thresher Office Rice Memorial Center Houston, TX 77005 ...and we’ll be sure it gets in the hands of the appropriate people.
Dear Editor, This letter is regarding (recent / longstanding) grievances I have had with the Thresher. While journalistic integrity has clearly never been a pillar upon which the organization stands, this year has witnessed a blatant disregard for objectivity unlike ever before, best exhibited by (the coverage of Donald Trump’s campaign / the coverage of The SA Presidential election / screening “Letters to the Editor / not screening “Letters to the Editor” / their unabashed liberalism / being socialist / being left of Trotsky / not liking Lisa Zollner / hurting my feelings / ______insert your grievance here!________). That was entirely unjust, incredibly insensitive and downright deplorable. Why don’t you cover something that matters for once? For example, have you heard that Rice University was ranked No. 1 for happiest students for 2017 by the Princeton Review? Did you see that? Could we put that on more things around campus and online? But wait a second...by saying that, then...then people who aren’t
happy might feel marginalized. So... so stay away from that, too, OK?! But wait a 2nd second, I don’t care about how other people feel, and neither should the news. So just report the God Damned news! But only if that news is not offensive to my personal beliefs. In conclusion, I would just like to say that I cannot stress how much the Thresher, as an organization, blows. Like, you all (really suck / really, really suck / really, really, really suck / suck so much you make sex dolls look like Mother Teresa / should be the official vacuum of H&D because you suck so much / might be the center of the galaxy – not because you’re important, but because you suck as much as, or more than, a black hole). Sincerely, ___(Your Name Here)___
?
THIS COULD BE YOU!
#FEAR THE HANDSHAKE
Intimidated by the strength of his fellow’s grip, James Harden has agreed to join the Owls as the 2017-2018 Rice University Men’s Basketball coach.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
UNCONVENTIONAL DISPLACEMENT
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the Rice Trasher
The Rice administration will subsidize sleeping bags and tents following the most recent ceiling cave ins at Baker, Will Rice, Hanszen, Lovett and Wiess colleges. They have even allotted space along the inner loop for the displaced students and according to H&D representatives, have already put in an order for 20,000 rolls of duct tape. Wiess, of course, will be paying for their students to stay in the Hilton until the restorations finish, along with the Will Rice bike team. H&D reminds students not to worry and until then, to follow them on Twitter @RiceDining.
SALLYPORTAL TRANSPORTS STUDENTS TO PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANITIES MAJORS ARE VALUED With the launch of Sallyportal, students can now enter into an alternative universe in which humanities majors are actually valued and the university provides them with adequate employment opportunities. Almost a third of students enter Quinoa University as English majors, but nearly half drop by the end of the first semester due to the stress of the major. According to Frank Defoe, Brown college sophomore, ENGL 200 serves as a major weed-out class. “I mean, honestly my parents just wanted an English major in the family,” Defoe said. “It’s so shallow. Basically everyone joins R2 just to pad their resumes and stops showing up after two weeks and does research they don’t even care about. I mean, you can ask anyone why they want to be an English major and they all say, because I want to explore gender roles in 20th century British literature —it’s like, other literary movements exist, guys.” Within this alternative universe, a student majoring in chemical engineering complained about systematic belittling and diminishing of his major choice, as well as a lack of support in
finding employment after graduation.
Maybe they should have thought twice before they decided they wanted to dick around with numbers and shit. Samantha Dickens McMurtry College Senior “It’s a little disheartening that there are four humanities job fairs throughout the year and only one STEM-based one,” Chuck Livingston said. “I’m lucky if I see one booth about engineering, except then I walk a little a closer
and see that it’s only for medical humanities. It feels like they’re just throwing us a bone for ‘diversity’s’ sake. I have no idea if I’m going to get a job after graduation, and even then everyone says I’m never going to make money.” Philosophy major Samantha Dickens dismissed these complaints as a lack of foresight. “It’s not my fault some people don’t think about their futures when they choose their major,” Dickens, a McMurtry college senior, said. “Maybe they should have thought twice before they decided they wanted to dick around with numbers and shit for four years.” Dickens is presenting a proposal to the administration next week to get rid of distribution requirement. “I mean it’s not like it’s worth my time to take all these easy D3’s,” Dickens said. “I mean, general chemistry? Give me a break. It’s just taking time away from my actual work — I have a lot of essays to write and these problem sets are so useless. I’m never going to use this in the real world. Quite frankly, I have worthier goals.” At press time, music majors in either universes had not found suitable employment.
Who needs athletes? Rice signs 10 fans to scholarships Seeking to boost its attendance at sporting events, Rice athletics added 10 new fans to its 2021 recruiting class. The fullride scholarships offered to these fans will comprise approximately 17 percent of Rice’s total scholarship budget across all sports. Rice athletic director Joe Karlgaard said the move was an example of Rice’s unconventional wisdom.
We believe having 10 fans at all sporting events will really push our teams to victory. Joe Karlgaard Rice Athletic Director “Not many schools would stoop to the level of paying fans tens of thousands of
dollars a year to attend sporting events,” Karlgaard said. “This is just another example of why Rice is such a special place.” The 10 new recruits will try to replace Duncan College senior Jeremy Reiskind. Reiskind, widely regarded as one of the top fans in Rice’s recent history, has been signed to a professional contract as the first ever fan of the Tampa Bay Rays. According to Karlgaard, the fans were Rice’s best option to improve its athletic teams. “We looked long and hard at soccer players, baseball players, swimmers and football players, but none of them were willing to sign with us,” Karlgaard said. “The fans were our next best plan. We believe having 10 fans at all sporting events will really push our teams to victory.” The recruits will train tirelessly over the offseason to learn to support the Owls as best they can. They will take courses such as ‘How to smile when your favorite team is down by 34 points in the first half ’ and ‘Motivation: encouraging people to attend games you know your team is going to lose.’ The classes will be taught by world-class
fan coach Bernie Kosar, a lifelong fan of the Cleveland Browns. Based on figures provided by the athletic department, these 10 new fans are projected to set records at Rice immediately. If the 10 fans attend every track meet of the season, track will set a new record for season attendance. Additionally, if each of the 10 fans buys a Rice t-shirt, the university will set a revenue record on sports memorabilia. One recruit contacted by the Thresher, however, indicated he is counting on catching one of the free t-shirts at basketball games instead because “who the fuck else is going to be there to catch it.” This development could be a major setback for Rice’s merchandise sales. Football head coach David Bailiff said he is excited for the new fans to join the program. “With 10 fans, we will have almost enough fans to hold all of the college flags on the field before our games,” Bailiff said. “We will only have to get rid of the Martel flag, but that’s not really a college anyway.” No current Rice fans could be reached for comment at the time of print.
Pulling out of War on Pollen, President Leebron Turns Attention to “Rice Playlist” Insurgency After widespread reproach of his offensive on the live oak population of Rice University in March 2016, Leebron has shifted his focus to what he has deemed the next greatest threat to Rice wellbeing: the Rice Playlist. “You know exactly what I’m talking ‘bout,” our esteemed leader squawked last Thursday. “It’s the usual suspects. Gold Digger. Caroline. Pursuit of Happiness. The Ignition Remix. Closer! Even All Star. All these songs are dulling the Rice community, limiting musical expression to a select few overplayed songs. Where’s the LL Cool J? Travis Scott? 2 Chainz, the artist formerly known as Tity Boi? Now we’re cookin’!” In terms of the actual methodology of the initiative, Leebron was vague. “We’ll start by RUPD patrolling party playlists. Any time our blacklisted songs are played, they’ll swoop in. Spotify’s Top 50 is our number one priority.” The Office of the President colluded collaborated with Student Judicial Programs to create punitive measures for infractions. Since implementing the policy last Sunday, Rice’s endowment has increased threefold. “I’m not saying I’m a gold digger,” Leebron said. “But I will extort students based on their musical taste.”
Recommended Hits Hey-Ya Mr. Brightside Closer Hips Don’t Lie Gold Digger Every Time We Touch All Star Pursuit of Happiness Ignition - Remix Caroline Danza Kuduro
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SA PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION A RUSE: CANDIDATES ACTUALLY FILMING A ROMANTIC COMEDY An investigation by the Trasher revealed this week that the SA presidential election was actually an elaborate cover story for Rice Video Productions’ filming of a romantic comedy starring Jake Nyquist and Justin Onwenu as two politicians from opposite sides of the aisle who don’t let their nearly identical campaign rhetoric keep them apart. Maurice Frediere also features in the film as the dastardly third candidate determined to break apart the couple and win Onwenu’s heart. “The amount of op/eds in the Trasher from your admirers made me jealous,” Onwenu admits to Jake in an early version of the film obtained by the Trasher. Throughout the movie, Onwenu and Nyquist have secretive meetings to discuss ways to awkwardly fist bump, respond to every question with “Thanks, that’s a great question,” and film their campaign videos with the worst video quality possible. The film’s plot culminates in Friedere’s confession, filmed in an apparent underground bunker which RVP revealed was actually the basement of Sid Richardson College. In the video, he makes one last declaration of love for Onwenu and admits he is no match for the couple — who he calls “Nywenu” and “Onquist” interchangeably throughout his confession. “I did not see a path to victory,” Frediere said.* The film was the last production from RVP, which formally dissolved in February. Karen Chen, RVP Station Manager, directed the film. “Sometimes two things go together, like Jake and Justin,” Chen, a Martel College junior, said. “And sometimes they don’t, like RVP and our responsibility to produce media that benefits the Rice population.” Chen had nothing but praise for her two starlets.
“Everyone really thought they were running against each other, when really they were campaigning for each other’s hearts,” she said. According to Chen, RVP decided to make the film to prove that even though SA presidential candidates may make feeble attempts to differentiate their bad ideas from those of their opponents, they’re actually often very compatible in their unsuitability for the role. “When I heard you echo what I was saying at the debate, I knew you were the one for me,” Nyquist declares in the film. “We have the exact same thoughts about sexual assault prevention: nothing new should happen, but we should continue a inconsequential dialogue so that it seems like we’re doing something.” Hannah Todd was employed by RVP as an extra in the film, but she launched a write-in campaign on Monday night. Chen said that Todd’s write in campaign was an unexpected hiccup in the production of the film. “We tried to tell her that as an extra she only had a small role to play, but she wouldn’t listen,” Chen said. “She was warned, she was given an explanation, and nevertheless she persisted.” “I regret nothing,” Todd said. “As [former SA president] Griffin Thomas’s preferred candidate, I got pampered with free, lastminute endorsement changes. Plus being a write-in meant I could capitalize on Rice students’ penchant for writing in candidates and I didn’t have to come up with a specific platform.” RVP has not yet disclosed a title for the film. According to Chen, When Justin Met Jake and Sleepless in Senate are in consideration. *Actual quote from the video.
CLASSIFIEDS WANTED
BUYING VOTERS! Purchasing voters for SA President IVP race. $2 per voter — to be paid by check from SA Treasurer. CAMPAIGN HASHTAG CONSULTANT: Looking for creative student to create a better tagline for campaign than #HelloToMeadow. DIVERSE VOTER BASE NEEDED Seeking voters who are not on Indian dance teams or SAS members. Free mango lassis provided. Reach out to anyone named Rohan on campus for more info.
IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS and getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain. If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write to me, and escape.
HIRING NEW EDITOR Due to a disturbingly high number of writeins, the Thresher is looking for a new editor-in-chief. Stick to shove up your ass included with job. Long hours and very low pay.
ROOM FOR RENT Utilities paid for by my huge endowment. Includes monogrammed toilet paper so you can shit in style. 1000 freshmen in your front yard every August ;) Walking distance from campus. Email president@rice.edu
LOOKING FOR DRUG DEALER Must be willing to provide extensive info on clients, suppliers and distribution streams. Email lzollner420@rice.edu RONDOLET DATE NEEDED. Seeking attractive body to make my ex jealous. Must be willing to post at least two pictures on Facebook with me. Instagram followership over 200 preferred.