qmunicate freshers week 2012 issue 1 • 10/09/12 • www.qmu.org.uk
Welcome
Inside: Previews of tonights events, Hungover Recipes, Living at Home, Getting Home Safe.
REVIEWS
FRIDAY & SATURDAY REVIEW We hope you didn’t miss it
CHEESY POP! Friday night means one thing and one thing only: Cheesy Pop! For everybody arriving this year there was no better introduction than the first Cheesy of the year to show you the standard you can expect from the best union in the UK. From 10 o’clock onwards the QMU was heaving with new (and some old) faces, Freshers coming straight from moving into their halls to an absolutely class night in Qudos. With DJ Toast putting out the cheesiest of tunes all night long and with the biggest crowd of Freshers on campus, you couldn’t find a better way to start your Freshers’ week! [Andrew McAllister] WHITE T-SHIRT PARTY No welcome to Freshers’ Week could have been better than the White T-Shirt Welcome. The place was packed as pens flew in curious scrawls on White T-Shirts all throughout the building. Names, phone numbers, fatuous in-jokes and penis drawings were the main staples of an evening that was so well attended getting to the bar was a proverbial marathon of shoulder sliding and elbow jockeying. The music provided by DJ Edward Evans was both bold and brilliant. One crowd favourite in particular, a Gangnam Style dubstep remix, had Qudos jumping like I’ve never seen it. Best viewed from the Balcony, shots of the scene can be seen at www. qmunicate.wordpress.com later today, go check it out! [Tom Kelly]
SUNDAY REVIEW It was a day to remember
COMEDY IN JIMS Daytime events got off to a roaring start with comedy in Jim’s. Four excellent examples of what Glasgow stand up has to offer. It was particularly funny when what I thought was an under-ager came on stage. What came out of his mouth was definitely X-rated.
The show was headlined by Blind Mirth, an improve group who completed the night perfectly. They encouraged audience interaction by getting them to throw out suggestions which included prostitution to bank fraud for them to act out. I would love to see them again. [Jake Casson] SCHOOL DISCO As a student that yearns for a return to his schooldays (oh, Mr. Gordon. Oh, Advance Higher History), I was, if anything, too keen for the QM’s School Disco yesterday. And a night of freshers all dressed up, cheap drinks and revisiting Britney Spears and our favourite sulky Canadian posh pop star, Avril Lavigne did not disappoint. A good night all round: a few drinks at Jim’s and then everybody getting down old school in Qudos. The best Sunday night I’ve had since Sixth Year. [Sean Iles]
REALLY USEFUL PUB QUIZ
The clues in the name of the quiz, you can win a kettle Pub quizzes are the true testing ground for all that you’ve learnt in your life. Sure passing your exams and getting a degree is one way to demonstrate your smarts, but its not so public. In a pub quiz your team and the whole room can see how incredibly intelligent you are, and all the clever facts you’ve been able to retain throughout your life. Truly this is the time to shine, to prove to all the doubters why your at uni.
So its for your delight that the QMU puts on this noble event, not as high profile as mastermind for sure, but if anything more of an achievement, although this is partly due to the fact that you will be battling through the mind dulling effects of alcohol to dredge up your answers from the furthest recesses of your memory. Our Really Useful Pub Quiz begins at 2 and ends at 4 in Jim’s Bar. Hosting will be by the loveable and charismatic Owen Rataj and James Crymble. Once everyone is packed into Jim’s competitors will be bombarded with questions about Glasgow and the university, whilst GUSA will also be present with some questions to ask. As for prize, these are more fabulous than previous years could even conceive. A toaster, iron, Tesco vouchers, pot noodles amongst other great items are all up for grabs. So basically it’s the perfect way to get know your new surroundings and have a good drink whilst you’re at it. No animals will be harmed in the making of this quiz, well, only a few. [Theo Wheatley]
DRUMSOUND AND BASSLINE SMITH & JAKWOB QMU gives you the best of dubstep and drum and bass
PREVIEWS: TONIGHT
Tonight, we’ve got the best way to introduce you to Fresher’s Week and the awesome gigs the QM’s got to offer you throughout the year! Gracing the Qudos stage from 9pm with some of the best tunes in the UK, we’ve got two of the hottest acts in the UK; D&B heroes Drumsound and Bassline Smith and dubstep rising star Jakwob. Radio one favourites Drumsound and Bassline Smith are the hottest collaboration in Drum & Bass, with Fabio & Grooverider, Zane Lowe and Annie Mac regularly launching their inventive DnB across the airwaves. After their single “Close” hit number one in the Drum and Bass charts the band are about to start a worldwide set of tour dates as well as an album project. Throughout 14 years of collaboration, Drumsound and Bassline Smith have had some brilliant remixes that you’ll have heard in nightclubs all across the UK. Our other act for tonight is the much-hyped Jakwob. Since running his own clubnight (Wob) at Leicester University, Jakwob has been on his way to Dubstep success. His big break came with a remix of Ellie Goulding’s “Starry Eyed”, his most popular tune which propelled him into the dubstep limelight. Since then he’s been performing across Europe and had 2 DJ tours across America, so he’s definitely a man experienced enough to fill cheesy with the best tunes dubstep has to offer. Jakwob’s dubstep has got a smooth, lyrical feel to it, cutting in and out of massive basslines and the characteristic dub tropes of drops, booms and fittingly a LOT of wubs. Definitely a crackin’ style to get your dance on to. Tonight has real promise with Drumsound & Bassline Smith pumping out the best beats around. [Andrew McAllister]
WELCOME
Our Editor welcomes you to University and qmunicate.
YOUR HALLS
Dear Fresher (or curious senior student) Welcome to Glasgow University, Freshers’ Week and the first of 5 special qmunicate magazine issues especially designed by our crack squad of Queen Margaret Union publications writers. My team and I will be in amongst you at all the best freshers week events to ensure we can give you the scoop on what’s been going on and what will be going on in this week and beyond. Bringing you interviews, I saw yous (a particularly cruel traditions where your new mates text in your most embarrassing exploits) and helpful advice to guide you through this exciting and bewildering time. Everything probably feels like a whirlwind of excitement just now and you are probably all bubbling over with joy, anxiety and booze. My advice is to dive in, fresher’s is an amazing experience that (largely) you can only do once. Glasgow University is a truly amazing campus and I think you’ve made a really great choice in coming here. Your next few years may be filled with rain, but the cost of the waterproof is well worth it for the experiences you’ll have in this place. The Queen Margaret Union in particular has been hugely influential in my life here, cheap booze, nice people and a building is a powerful combination when done right and you’ll be truly amazed at the wide variety of things you can do here, I hope you are ready! Oh yea and you should erm..work hard and stuff, obviously. I hope this year is one of the best of your life and to see you around the Union some time. [Tom Kelly]
LIVING AT HOME
Throughout the week
It can be difficult living at home when at University, but not as much as a disadvantage as you might think. While you may have to rise from that lightless warm cocoon you call a bed, 3 hours before you actually have to walk into a lecture you’ll probably just sleep through anyway, you’ll tend to find that Red Bull and enough pro-plus to stun a horse just isn’t going to cut it. When you are finished for the day however, the trip home can actually be a time to relax and chill, I often read a book, or watched videos of cats trying to do things designed for people. Two hours later, I emerged from a train, in the twilight of an evening, rested from my feline filled trip home. The advantages to living at home are many and varied. At the cost of minor inconvenience you earn the following important things. The fridge is almost always full and the meals are normally more than a pot noodle or a chip butty. The booze is free, although sometimes at the cost of a guilt trip by your parents. You probably won’t have to worry about money either. It can be hard to find a way home after midnight, but there is an easy answer to this. Namely, befriending students who live around/near the university. It may mean you can’t go out every single night of the week, but you’re sure to have at least some regular nights out where you don’t have to worry about fighting a hobo for a park bench. Once I ended up on the floor of a bedroom, with nothing but a dressing gown made for a dwarf to keep me warm, but it was a great night in the QM, so well worth it. First year is an awesome time, and you’ll surely make some great friends and memories. And if all else fails, invent a way to teleport. [Cian Langan]
GET HOME SAFE
Our Charities and Campaigns Convenor’s daily advice piece hits home. It’s a new city for most; make sure you’re getting home safe at nights. There are many great nights to be had in your upcoming Freshers’ Week, but you don’t need me to tell you that (we have a hundred or so helpers and this magazine to do that). What I’m here to do is to ensure you have the right information that could help you get home safely at the end of the night. Given that a lot of you are in a new city, you may not know your way around all that well. Luckily most of you will be living in the West End which is comparatively quite safe as long as you keep your head about you. We’ll be offering a few simple pieces of advice that will keep you safe in your Freshers’ Week and first year of Uni. Firstly, plan your journey home in advance. Have a taxi booked, or go to the nearest taxi rank (Outside Iceland on Byres Road), or if you’re lucky, a black cab outside the QM at the end of the night. If a friend is leaving early, be sure to record the number plate of the cab, just in case, and get them to text or call you when they have arrived home. When it comes to you getting home, make sure you have enough money to pay for a taxi; there’s always the two cash machines in the QM. Secondly, if you are walking home, go home with friends and make sure you know the route home; don’t just wander around hoping that you will eventually stumble upon your destination. Staying in groups will also make you less of a target for street crime (as rare as it might be in the West End). Whatever you take from this article just remember that no matter how well you think you know your way home, you should always let people know that you’re leaving & who you are leaving with; never walk alone. Campaigns and Charities committee runs every Monday at 5 o’clock. We run free condoms and fundraising and welcome new ideas and involvement. Most of us know taxi drivers by their first names. [Robin Callaghan]
CROSSWORD Puzzle fun.
Across- 1. Jazz cigarettes (7) 5. American word for trousers (5) 6. Large marine mammal (5) 7. people who are crazy (7) 11. dog-eared, worn out (5) 12. structure, often wooden, surrounding a painting (5) 13. homes for Eskimos (6) 15. noise made by a mouse (6) 17. Bill ____, American comedian (4) 19. Small fruit (5) 21. Prominent, conspicuous (7) 22. Lacking significance (5) 24. Stop (5) 25. Type of pulse vegetable, used in making Tofu. (7)
Down- 1. Not cooked (3), 2. To glorify, praise and big up (5) 3. Type of music (7) 4. Not sweet, sour, bitter or umami (5) 5. Definative evidence (5) 8. Picture (5) 9. Arabic rulers(7) 10. A bodybuilders tools (7) 14. from the nearby area (5) 16. ‘quantity not _____’ fresher’s week drinking ethos (7) 18. ‘Memory like a ____’, phrase for forgetfulness (5) 19. Mordor, Gareth, and Bill (5) 20. Rub out (5) 23. Energy company (3) Answers to this crossword will be online tommorow at www.qmunicate.wordpress.com
SUSIE RAE
Susie Rae’s first column on films she’s not seen... This time; Star Wars Before you completely write me off as a hopeless lost cause that society should probably just give up on, you should know that this isn’t entirely my fault. I grew up in Aberdeenshire, the land that science fiction forgot. I’m lucky I even had indoor plumbing. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been held accountable for it my entire life, though. Seriously, I’ve lost friends over this. Family members have disowned me. Small children run and hide as I walk down the street. It’s hard to accept, but we live in a society where not having seen Star Wars is about as acceptable as sneaking up and licking the neck of a stranger in the street. Luckily, kind of like how I’ve been convincing a series of lecturers and tutors for three years that I, as an English lit student, know how to read, it’s quite easy to fake having seen Star Wars, using a combination of Family Guy, listening into other people’s conversations, and that one Weird Al Yankovic song. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away – you’re with me so far? - there was an evil empire. We know they’re evil because they spend the entire three films (three? Six? What films do we count as real Star Wars films? The prequels too? Do the lego versions count?) beating you in the face with how really super evil they are. From my intense research, I’ve established that they’re made up of the originally-named “stormtroopers” (George Lucas rejected the initial name “schmazis”), and are led by an asthmatic James Earl Jones in a cape, helmet and jackboots. There’s also a spaceship called the “death star”, they fight with “evil doom lasers”, and they would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids. God, they’re evil. Then there are the Jedis, who, correct me if I’m wrong, are monks with superpowers. They’re anti evilempire, and spend a lot of time talking intensely about it. At some point quite early on, they kidnap a small blonde boy, who proceeds to involve himself in a beyond-creepy love triangle with his sister and Harrison Ford, all while wearing white pyjamas and fighting with lightsabers. This love triangle is eventually resolved by the general assumption of the studios that full-on incest is a bit much for a film with a PG rating, and, of course, the fact that Han Shot First, which I saw printed on a mug once, and can only assume is an ejaculation thing. After that, there’s a little bit of laser pew-pew fighting, and Yoda muttering away to himself like the slightly dottled grandad that everyone kind of smiles at and ignores. Chewbacca’s there too, as a kind of giant furry Lassie-character. He probably dies. Honestly, aside from that, there’s a huge chunk of the Star Wars saga that nobody even discusses, to the extent that I’m pretty sure that there’s only about one film’s worth of actual action, and the rest is just taken up by that scene that features the baddie from Monsters Inc and Carrie Fisher’s boobs, which seems like a bizarre combination for Hollywood, but who am I to judge? I’m sure bondage slugs are great, if that’s your thing. Were I a respectable film reviewer, I’d give Star Wars three hypothetical stars. Chewbacca alone merits four stars, but I’ve been forced to deduct marks for George Lucas’s blatantly repressed sexual issues. Stormtroopers? Gold bikini? Get it together, Lucas. You’re fooling nobody. [Susie Rae] Enjoy Susies column? She’ll be writing one every fortnight in term time at www.qmunicate.wordpress.com, don’t miss it.
HUNGOVER RECIPES: BUBBLE & SQUEAK
Ellie Munro, seasoned drinker, takes on your hangover with good hearty food Speaking as someone whose ability to deal with hangovers has been gradually eroded over many years in many pubs, morning-after food can make or break you. I have found that, whilst it’s not quite as quick and easy as heating up a packet of super-noodles, or calling for a kebab-and-chips-and-cheese from your local grease merchant, making it yourself is far superior and much more satisfying. Not only do you end up with good, nourishing, cheap food, it’s also really good for impressing your new flatmates/ whoever you ended up taking home last night stemming the flow of tears when you inevitably failed to pull. This recipe represents everything that is beautiful. It’s full of vegetables; to make you feel all healthy and righteous, and full of stodgy, buttery goodness to make you feel happy. And it’s got bacon in it, which is always good, unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case you can leave it out. It’s traditionally made with leftovers from the roast that I’m sure you will have had time to cook the night before, but you can do it from scratch as well, as I normally do. There is a great sense of joy to be had from beating the crap out of potatoes as the flashbacks from the night before roll in. Ingredients Some potatoes An array of vegetables of your choice Some butter. Some milk. Salt & Pepper. For meaty folk: Bacon, 2 or 3 cloves of garlic, rosemary and thyme (if you have these things). If you’re doing this from scratch, first peel and boil your potatoes until a knife goes through them without trouble. Put them aside for a couple of minutes so they’re not piping hot, whilst you peel, chop and boil your assorted veg. If you’re going with the bacon variety, chop it, then fry in some oil or butter with some crushed garlic, rosemary and thyme. If you don’t have these things (and I’ll be honest, I don’t expect you to), just fry the bacon. Mash your potatoes, chuck in a good chunk of butter and some salt and pepper (more pepper, less salt). Hit them hard with a masher until they’re relatively lump-free. Add a bit of milk if it’s looking dry, but you want to keep it fairly dry so it holds together. Season to taste. Mix it all together in one big pan, you can mash it up a bit more if it makes you happy. At this point, you can throw it in the fridge and forget about it until you want it. When the time comes, shape it up into little cakes, and chuck them in a frying pan, a few at a time, with some melted butter, until they’re a bit brown and crispy and hot through. Don’t worry if they fall apart – it’s the sort of dish you’re going to bury your face in anyway. Serve with baked beans and a fried egg. And more bacon… if you want. [Ellie Munro]
BRIAN BRISTLETWAT: ADVICE FOR DEAR YOUNG FRESHERS He’s just trying to help, honest
I SAW YOU
Hey! wanna rat out your mates on their amazing exploits and embarassing adventures where everyone can see, text 07766404142 starting with ‘qmu’ and we’ll publish them right here the next day! I saw you Taylor offering out your pork pies and your body to little Freshers. I saw you murano fresher getting your finger stuck in your ring and going to a and e to have it removed. I saw you James Ansell and your tiny boner. I saw you Katya allcot balcony winching Bryce all night loong! I saw you pigeon pat, may you rest in piece. I saw you brian bristletwat hanging around the bins outside murano halls. I saw you Tom Kelly being an attractive slavedriver. I saw you Andy McAllister being a hipster on films I saw you ryan mcfarlane, your promises like farts in the wind I saw you pint of tennents...oh wait, i didnt, cheers ryan mcfarlane. I saw you fake health scares I saw you Ali being the most hipster on the most hipster team I saw you Alex, sweeping a chimney I saw you Kitchen 24 bringing the chat to cairncross! I saw you Tom Kelly breathing in and out slowly. I saw you Rob, buying an unhealthy amount of glowsticks. I saw you keeping your head up, Andy. Hang in there buddy. I saw you Kevin I saw you Callum, dancing like a boss I saw you Lucy, looking like a fox
CREDITS Editors/ Absolute Lads
Theo ‘The Power’ Wheatley, Tom Kelly, Andy Mac, Jake ‘Online Stuff’ Casson, Sean ‘Pretty Boy’ Iles, Ali Begg, Emma Jewson
Writers
Driver/Delivery Boy
Theo ‘The Power’ Wheatley, Tom Kelly, Ryan ‘Wunderkind’ McFarlane Andy Mac, Jake ‘Online Stuff’ Casson, Sean ‘Pretty Boy’ Iles, Ali Begg, Susie Rae, Cian Langan, Ellie Munro, Robin ‘Glowsticks’ Callaghan