Issue 95

qmunicate issue 95 • 12/03/12 • www.qmu.org.uk

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View From The Top First of all is RAG week. From the 12th til the 16th of March the QM will be joining the other student bodies to raise as much money as possible for a variety of charities. The QM will primary be raising money for Unity, our charity of the semester. We’ve got a ton of fun events including a 12 hour busk, a knit-a-thon and an 80’s Zumba featuring Sandy Zumba! I’m also raising money by doing challenges submitted by you guys. I am terrified. If you want to donate some cash to a good cause and see me making a fool of myself then email challengekirsty@ qmu.org.uk with your suggestions and how much you’ll donate if I do it... Please be kind!

Hello members!

The next big thing on the QM’s calendar is St Paddy’s Day. We’re starting the celebrations on the 16th with our St Paddy’s T-shirt Cheesy.

You can pick up your limited edition t-shirts at reception, which gets you free entry on the night. On Saturday the 17th we’re kicking off at midday with hours and hours of Rugby in Champions Bar. Remember pints of Tennants are only £1.60 all day, every day, so get down early to support Scotland in their last game of 6 nations. We will of course be showing the Ireland v England game at 5pm, be sure to be there for this one. It’s going to be a great way to kick start your St Paddy’s Day evening celebrations. And with that, we’re hosting one of the cities biggest parties that night.

In conjunction with Pelmet Nites, we have a great line up of bands hosted by Ally McCrae in Qudos where you can dance the night away, or nod your head in a relatively hipster fashion, with a pint of Guinness.

Election season is over now and your student representatives for the coming year are all ready to go. I’m very pleased and proud of the new board and I have faith that they can lead the union into the year ahead in a positive and enthusiastic manner.

As always, I would encourage you to come and talk to your board members. You’ll catch them in the evenings when they are on duty floating around the union or just grab someone you find wearing a QMU board hoodie. Remember we’ve all been elected to run the union on your behalf so please raise any issues or ideas with Anyway, that’s a quick run down of what’s us. going on at the moment. As always if there’s There’s a few exciting things coming up/ will anything you fancy chatting about then please have just passed, depending when you read come and visit me on the 3rd floor and we can have a wee cup of tea. this!

Credits Editor: Nina Ballantyne Section Editors/Heroes: Marc Barr • Jonny McAra • Christina McGuire • Adam Sorice • Theo Wheatley • Tom Kelly Contributors: Cia Jackson • Suki McFarland • Andrew McAllister • Cian Langan • Zoe Bartliff • Theo Wheatley • Kenneth Anderson • Liv Klingert • Sean Iles • Suki McFarland • Jake Casson

Contents 3 • View From The Top 4 • Diary Dates: Tribal Wars; St. Paddy’s Day; RAG Week 5 • Election Time at the QMU; Scotland, Gateway to Space 6 • Anonymous Arrests; Not so Civil Servants 7 • Doncaster the Brave; qmuniicuts 8 • Cia Jackson: Britain’s cultural icons; Shakespeare, Byron, Dickens & Jade Goody 9 • As One: Unity in the Community 10 & 11 • And on the Eighth Day...

12 • Dear Editor...

13 • Are we really all ears?

14 & 15 • Music Live: Theory of a Deadman; Justice; Field Music Recorded: Speed Debelle; Fighting Fiction; Martin John Henry 16 • Film: The Muppets; Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close 17 • Arts & Culture: To Have a Voice; Late Night Comedy 18 • Tech: Celebrating a Goldeen Age 19 • Alphonse the Retired Lion Tamer 20 • Back Page

• Tom Kelly • Joe Nelson • Jonathan McAra • multiple disabilities • Good Will • Good Cheer Adrienne Angel • Nico Law • Oliver Pope • Boris • The Light at the End of the Tunnel Miller-Kurakin • Derrick Ting Despite: Lost Sederunts • All the fucking Photography/Illustration: Nina Ballantyne • elections • Hunger Mhairi Elaine Bruce • Sean Iles • Joseph Nelson • Hannah Birtwistle-Craine • Eva Rinaldi • Lesley Apologies to: Ellie • Pete • Chizz • Dave Jones (Boston Public Library) • Brian Magennis • Chris Brown (not that one) • Ennuipoet Printing courtesy of Forward Graphics FreeVerse Photography • Tom Kelly Send all complaints, queries, Thanks to: The Green Lantern • The Yorkshire comments and love letters to: Ripper • Amber Leaf • Calzones • Tom Kelly’s qmunicate.magazine@gmail.com

news

Diary Dates St. Paddy’s Weekend Bonanza

Tribal Wars It’s time for war, but not the scary kind. This years 10 hour event will be Tribal wars in which large teams will compete as tribes. It will be taking place Friday 23rd March. Things will kick off at 8pm and run on until 6am for all the hardcore warriors who can handle it.

Calling all visitors from the emerald isle, students and people who like booze (who am I kidding you are one and the same). In case you live under a rock it is St Paddy’s day soon (March 17th) and oh boy, do the QMU have a line up that will just knock the green bowler cap off of your leprechaun. We kick off the weekend with the annual St Paddy’s Cheesy on the Friday (March 16th), a wonderland of green, guinness and good times. There will be free entry with a St Paddy’s Cheesy 2012 Tshirt, on sale now at our reception! (Tshirts will cost £4.) Which is a pretty snazzy deal for Tshirts people wear all year round and act as a ticket to one of the best nights of the year. It’s sure to be packed so alert all your pals to get their skates on and get down to grab their t-shirts.

Then, on the day itself, March 17th ( by some amazing coincidence) , the beautiful land of which St Patrick is patron Saint, Ireland will take on England in the six nations. We will of course be showing this on our wonderful big screen in Champion’s Bar ,

RAG Week

From March 12th – 16th, Glasgow University Campus transforms once again into a veritable smorgasbord of charitable events, with RAG Week descending upon us once more. Raising And Giving Week is a campus wide event, with all four student bodies taking part in raising money for various charities. Thanks to, among others, the lovely Ellie Munro and the wonderful members of the Campaigns and Charities Committee, the QMU itinerary will be as follows.

Monday 12th – A 12-Hour Busking session with various acts in Jim’s Bar on the 1st floor.Come along and listen and donate and while you’re at it, have a few pints too.

Tuesday 13th – Challenge Tuesday.

Spearheaded by President Kirsty Hill and her list of silly challenges, students will be undertaking sponsored challenges, ranging from speaking only in rhyme, dressing as a mouse, travelling only by spacehopper, and not speaking for a week. If you see anyone shaking buckets, or doing something weird, give them your money!

The STAR Pop-up Charity shop will be in Qudos during the day, and later on a talk is being held in association with Women’s Aid, SRC, and GULGBT: ‘Just Banter?’ - Language and GenderBased Violence.

Wednesday 14th – Knit-a-thon. All day in Qudos, knitting will be on the menu. Whether experienced in the ways of the yarn, or just wanting to try something new, come along and help knit a huge blanket, or just donate some squares/wool/needles. BWNPQ as usual in Jim’s Then later that night we will be playing host at 8:30pm, with added bucketshaking. to Glasgows Biggest St Paddy’s Day Party!

Starting at 7pm and going on till 2 am (Tickets Thursday 15th – Glasgow University Gaming available in our reception!) We will be having a Society (GUGS) will be holding a game-a-thon mega-event featuring live and bands and DJs in Jim’s. Expect card games, Halo tournaments, throughout the night, celebrating St Paddy’s and fun galore. and Irish Culture throughout the night. It will be organized by Pelmet Nites and begin up in Jim’s Friday 16th - The usual Pop Culture and a Piano, bar, with live music from 7.30pm, that’s half an with mobile collecting and donating stations, hour to get in your preliminary Guinesses. After and also a Silly Sports Day in Jim’s. Come and the music it’s down to Qudos at 9pm. Bands will compete for the glory of being able to run include Discopolis, Aerials Up, Kobi Onyame, around with a potato on a spoon! (And maybe PartWindPartWolf and A Plastic Rose, with more a Lemon Jousting tutorial). The usual glowstick bands to be announced. Ally McCrae will make selling at St Patrick’s Day Cheesy Pop will also Check out www.qmu.org.uk for details as they a DJ appearance in Qudos aswell so all in all it still be held, so don’t be a Scrooge! We’ll see you unfold. Tickets £4/£5 Members/Non-Members should be a wonderful night. (www.qmu.org. there, to make sure we can add a little glow to your evening! uk/stpaddysparty for more details) (On Sale Soon).

Who’s tribe will be stronger? Who’s tribe will be fiercer? Who’s tribe will win the title of QMU Tribal Wars Winners 2012? Choose your tribe, support your tribe, play for your tribe. 4 Teams in 4 different colours - BLUE, PINK, YELLOW and GREEN. You dress in the colour of your chosen tribe, get your mates to do the same and come down for a sprawling night of fun. In addition to DJ Toast cranking out tunes in the Qudos area games and activities will be going on around the building all night, in which you will be able to win points for your team. If you are on the winning team you’ll have the oppurtunity to win from a prize haul worth £200 pounds or a T in the Park Ticket at the end of the night(Which is definately worth a meager £4 entrance fee).

So get down to the box office and sort yourself out for what is sure to be one of the QMU’s best nights of this year.

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news

Election Time At The QMU Elections herald in a new set of faces on the QMU board In case the colourful T-shirts, cheerleaders, hulahooping and free sweets around campus didn’t tip you off, the QMU Board of Management Annual Election was held on Thursday 1st March. There was a definite buzz around the QMU this week. Well over a hundred people filled Jim’s Bar for Hustings on Tuesday to ask the candidates questions; indeed, so keen were the voters to quiz the hopefuls that the event ran two hours over! On election day campaigners thronged around the QM, handing out bribes in sweetie form in a desperate attempt to secure as many votes for their candidate as possible.

Possibly because of the sugary incentive the election turn-out was also around 600 voters despite the heavy afternoon rain, a significant growth on last year’s turn-out.

Amongst the most hotly contested positions were the three Current Student Representative (previously Ordinary Board) constituencies, with seven candidates fighting it out for the four CSR B positions. Uncontested positions included Honorary Secretary, which was taken by Lauren

Hinton and Assistant Honorary Secretary, to which Euan Murphy was elected. The post of Campaigns and Charities Convenor was also uncontested and won by Robin Callaghan.

Social Convenor, Events Convenor and, of course, President were contested however.

For Social Convenor, former Board member Bateman McBride and former Social Lieutenant James Ansell went head to head, Ansell slimly beat McBride by 13 votes. The position of Events Convenor went to former Events Lieutenant and Current Student Representative Paul Kelly, who beat Events Committee member Amy Johnston by 40 votes. Ruaraidh MacIntyre won the uncontested post of Former Student Member and Tom Kelly won the post of Publications Convenor, earning him the honour of leading the editing team of this magazine next year.

a mass of respectively purple and red wearing supporters campaigning with dedication on the day, some for over 10 hours. In the end, Colum Fraser proved the victor, winning by a landslide majority of 402 against 161.

The successful Current Student Representatives were Katie Irvine, Alice Black, Hannah Brand, Chris Sutcliffe, Alan Compton, Jo Reid and Becky Male. The two CSR C positions, which are open to first year candidates only, went to Andrew McAllister and Mhairi Elaine Bruce.

For most of the newly elected Current Student Representatives this will be their first term on the QM Board, with Jo Reid being the only exception.

Current President Kirsty Hill told me, ‘I’m really looking forward to working with the new Paddy Hughes, current Social Convenor, and board. I wish the newly elected Executive and Colum Fraser, current Assistant Honorary Convenors the best of luck - but you won’t be Secretary, were the candidates for QMU getting rid of me for another 4 months!’

President. Initially it appeared to be an extremely close race, both candidates having [Suki McFarland]

Scotland, Gateway To Space?

Scotland in the race for first European spaceport When this was first brought to my attention a few weeks ago, my first thought was ‘Scotland: The Final Frontier’. Yes, I am that geeky. However, upon looking into the situation a bit further, in reality it’s more like ‘Houston, we have a problem’.

scheduled the first space flight in Europe for 2007, which as you can guess, didn’t happen.

Currently, it looks like Virgin Galactic plans to shuttle the rich and geeky to the exosphere at some point during 2013.

tourism industry. Lossie (as the locals call it) has been facing the prospect of a closure, due to budget cuts at the Ministry of Defence. Given as Lossie is a lynchpin of the economy for North East Scotland (as well as the base my father was stationed at) this is welcome news indeed to the many familes whose lives are based in and around the base. But the lofty title of spacebase Europe isn’t uncontested. Spaceport Sweden is the other contender, and whilst Lossiemouth can offer the thrills and spills of, um, a windy walk along the beach, Spaceport Sweden has the Ice Hotel (it’s exactly what you think it is) as well as unparalleled views of the Northern Lights.

Many people are fairly excited by the prospect To give you some background, Virgin Galactic, of Scotland being a big player in the world of part of Richard Branson’s behemoth of a spaceflight. RAF Lossiemouth has been voiced company, are looking to set up a commercial as the possible base for Scotland’s spacespaceport. This would allow them to offer trips into space for $200,000, or about £127,000 in British money. A total bargain? Considering the adventure only gets you about 5 minutes of weightlessness, it’s not exactly pocket change, but this being Virgin I’m sure you can get a Only time will tell which site Mr Branson will discount if you take their broadband and TV finally settle on, however given the state of the package. world economy many in Scotland are certainly hoping he decides to keep his plans close to Sounds good so far, right? You may be wondering home. (If you imagined the chewin’ the fat where these problems I forsee are. Well, Virgin sketch whilst reading this you are not alone, I have been trying to get this off the ground for one, am setting phasers to malky.) (pun very much intended) for years now. Flights [Kenny Anderson] are possible in America, but original estimates qmunicate • 5

news

Anonymous Arrests Hackers arrested accross Spain and South America Here’s a bit of advice. Don’t start a flamewar or hack campaign against South American and European governments. As of Tuesday the 28th of February, Interpol released a statement claiming to have arrested 25 suspected hackers from the loose knit (dubbed ‘hacktivist’) group, Anonymous.

The group originated from that message board of all things great and small, weird and wonderful; 4chan. Anonymous members are famous, for those of you not aware, for their use of the mask from the film V for Vendetta to hide their identities, and their internet activist wars against governments and corporations websites. Anyone can claim to be a member of the group, which ash no official leadership or organisation. The V masks were not enough to save these suspects however, as Interpol rounded them as part of ‘Operation Unmask’.

Arrested suspects age ranged from 17 to 40, with suspects being busted across Argentina,

Chile, Colombia and Spain by national law enforcement officers.

The group is alleged to have planned attacks on Colombia’s defence ministry and presidential webpages, as well as Chile’s Endesa power company and national library, among a variety of other targets Interpol has uncovered. Those arrested face charges of unauthorised alteration of webpages, and illegal Denial of Service attacks. The charges carry the sentences of 541 days to 5 years in prison. Most likely without of the world’s most powerful organizations? internet access.

Or will the unwieldy but magnificent beast of This is just the latest in many recent arrests of free speech, open debate, that is the Internet high profile site owners/founders/members, and its native hackers, bloggers, independent such as Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange. With reporters, forum goers, and social networkers growing concern from governments such as the ect, finally be caged at the behest of these USA and China leading to stronger campaigns world giants?. I leave you with the ominous to eradicate these so called ‘hacktrolls’, is it words of Brazil’s Anonymous wing ‘Interpol, only a matter of time before the internet reacts you can’t take on Anonymous. It’s an idea’. and seeks to overthrow the URLs and https [Cian Langan]

Not So Civil Servants Scottish secretary frozen out of discussions With a referendum coming closer, Whitehall’s position on the question of Scottish Independence is becoming clearer and clearer.

In a move sparking anger across both sides of the debate, senior Scottish civil servants are to be aggressively kept out of the loop by their English counterparts.

The civil servants have been instructed to make sure that no part of the referendum debate is discussed in front of their Scottish colleagues in official meetings, in particular Scotland’s most senior civil servant Sir Peter Housden. They have resorted to organising backroom meetings to discuss official policy in, meaning that Scottish civil servants are left completely left out of Whitehall’s policies and plans. This has consequences above and beyond independence, St Andrew’s House is completely in the dark about English planning, and so will be finding themselves on the back foot about plans from south of the border, hindering their own decision making.

This dispute has its origins in a controversy last October surrounding Sir Peter Housden

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himself. He stands accused of compromising the impartiality of the Civil Service by ‘Going native’ (a colonial term that has attracted controversy in itself ) and lending his support to Scottish independence. The Scottish Government issued a statement saying he was ‘simply stating that if there is a positive result in a referendum, negotiations and legislation

will follow’. So one could hardly accuse him of donning woad and screaming ‘FREEDOM!’ just yet. However, this situation has led to other civil servants claiming they cannot have ‘free and frank discussions’ in front of Sir Peter on Scottish questions.

It’s interesting to note that, according to senior Whitehall sources, the instruction may well have come from David Cameron himself, although the government has denied this. The civil service’s head honcho and the Cabinet Secretary issued a joint statement outright denying that Sir Peter or indeed any other Scottish civil servants are being kept out of the loop. They also took a sojourn to Edinburgh to meet staff and, notably, Alex Salmond, although the issue apparently wasn’t discussed.

This move doesn’t bode well for the upcoming vote, as an increasingly divided civil service could only mean a less and less effective government in Scotland, and is essentailly just punishing Scots for sins we’re as yet only thinking about voting on.

[Andrew McAllister]

news

Doncaster The Brave Zoe Bartliff on Doncaster’s Scottish heritage

Geography buffs received a shock last month when it was revealed that Doncaster, a southern Yorkshire industrial town, is in fact a part of Scotland. This peculiar realisation came about due to an examination of the medieval law treaties concerned with the Anglo-Scottish relations. As part of the Treaty of Durham – an agreement designed to belie animosity between the kings of Scotland and England in 1136 - Doncaster was given to Scottish rule, an act which has never technically been reversed.

Unofficially Henry II reclaimed Doncaster for the English crown in 1157, but since this was never entered into the law tracts it was not legally binding.

speaking, North and South Korea are still at war with each other, which is fine for now but could potentially cause problems in the future.

If Doncaster’s new identity is taken seriously then it could potentially stir up old issues over the border between England and Scotland, particularly given the recent push for Scottish independence.

The people of Doncaster seem to have wholeheartedly welcomed the news of their Scottish heritage, with Mayor Peter Davies announcing ‘It’s clearly in the interests of Doncaster to be in Scotland; we’ll get free prescriptions, free tuition for students and free care for the elderly.’ In fact, if Salmond’s independence reform is successful then the Doncastrians won’t be the only people looking to benefit from it. Rupert Murdoch seems to consider this to be the case, as shown by his recent Tweet: ‘Let Scotland go and compete.

Everyone would win.’ With a politician as popular as Salmond, independent Scotland could seem a dream come true to many, especially compared to the perceived car crash of English politics. So who wouldn’t want to be a part of it?

This is not the first instance of outdated laws or clerical errors which have recently been discovered, causing either hilarity or controversy. Granted, the rumour that Berwick upon Tweed was, until recently, still engaged in the Crimean war is in fact a false one, but it led to the declaration of peace between Berwickupon-Tweed and Russia in the 60’s and the iconic statement by the Mayor of Berwick: ‘Tell the Russians they can sleep easy in their beds.’

Clearly British law is much like a teenager’s bedroom – cluttered with rubbish and useless As of 2014 and the potential success of the junk. referendum, will we be seeing more towns This begs the question as to what point archaic dredging up outdated treaties and historical laws should be relevant today. Would you loop-holes in order find a place among the expect to see cabbies driving around with a bale Scots? And if so, will the Scottish government of hay and a sack of oats? And should they really accept these as newly rediscovered territories ask every passenger whether they have the as little pieces of Scotland in England? Should small pox or the plague? Why should a person they? Laws are all well and good, but they who decides to break their boiled egg by the cannot dictate identity. Just because the law pointy bit be sentenced to a day in the stocks? says that the Doncastrians are Scottish, this Indeed, the majority of people break the law on does not magically instill them with a Scottish Christmas Day, since it is technically illegal to identity, and it does not automatically erase eat mince pies on the 25th of December thanks their English one. Anyone who has lived across to the puritanical Oliver Cromwell. If all of the the border will be able to tell you that there is laws in the UK were actually enforced, then a distinct, tangible, difference in identity and almost every one of us would be considered a attitude between the English and the Scottish. law-breaker in some way or another.

If, however, the Doncastrians do decide to don These are all trivialities however, small laws kilts and call themselves Scottish then there will which are merely a quirk of their times and can, be one major disadvantage for them; due to yet for the most part, be ignored in everyday life. another peculiar law it is perfectly legal to kill The problem occurs when such technicalities a Scotsman in York, provided that is Scotsman refer to the question of nationality and is carrying a bow and arrow. Just something to international relations. For instance, technically bear in mind.

qmuni cuts The column that doesn’t wash its hands after using the toilet and insists on shaking your hand.

A ewe that was possibly the world’s oldest sheep has died recently. Aged 25 years, 11 months the sheep, nicknamed Methuselina, died after falling off a cliff on her home farm on the Isle of Lewis. Ewe couldn’t make it up! *groan* • A mother in Sweden has been accused of holding her son hostage in a fantasy world of Smurfs and space aliens. The child is disabled and the mother his carer. Authorities claim the mother forces the boy and other carers to go along with this series of fantasy beliefs, and it has led the boy to ‘self destructive behaviour’.

• Also in Sweden, the main medical association, the Swedish equivelent of the BMA, has declared it is no longer prepared to circumcise young boys for non-medical reasons (such as religious beliefs) . The practice has been declaied cruel and a breach of human rights, since the children are too young to decide if they want the procedure for themselves. Phew!

• A large fireball was seen over the skies of Glasgow and other parts of the UK on Saturday night. Most likely a meteor that ultimately landed in the channel or the Bay of Biscay, observers described it as ‘Well cool!’

• World Whiskey day is on the 27th of this month.

Distilleries accross Scotland are preparing for the event, which was thought up by a savvy Aberdeen Uni student. What will your tipple be?

• Partick Thistle, Murano Street’s local football team and popular student choice of team managed a resouding win against former SPL side Hamilton Accies last Saturday, beating the visitors 2 nil. Nice work Jags!

• Surprise, surprise. Valdimir Putin won the Russian elections this week, meaning he’s now president elect. Try not to fall off your chair.

• A new bridge, over the Moravia river, connecting Slovakia and Austria is to be named ‘Chuck Norris’ , after the public voted it their first choice of name. However, critics have commented that it is an unsuitable name for a bridge because ‘Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.’ qmunicate • 7

features

Cia Jackson You voted her here.

You deal with the consequences.

Colum Fraser

Our resident coumnist discusses Britain’s long list of cultural icons: Shakespeare, Byron, Dickens, and Jade Goody Culture. As a nation, we’re supposedly known for it. We’re the land of The Beatles, Shakespeare and Harry Potter. To completely bastardise a line from an Oscar Wilde play, we have ruins.

However, according to a government report I came across whilst avoiding actual work, children are growing up ‘culture-starved’ and the rest of us aren’t really any better. So ballet’s just sedate stripping and Twilight’s the greatest love story ever, yeah?

If we have a wee squint through our opera glasses, it’s hard to believe that we’re crying out for culture. The report in question claims that the vast majority of children have never been to a museum or the theatre before. Given that Glasgow is full of history and that the Riverside Museum recently reopened its doors, I find such statements difficult to hear, especially when lots of places are free to visit. Although some events such as the city’s Comedy Festival or even this month’s Aye Write! may require handing over a bit of cash, surely it’s worth it when you consider how many talented individuals are making their way up here for your entertainment?

Admittedly some places are completely void of culture. I was raised in a town whose only cultural claim is to be home of the “Rhubarb Triangle”. To save you the bother of googling it, just believe me when I say it’s like the Bermuda Triangle, but with rhubarb: souls and the will to live die in exchange for fruit that nobody really likes. However, if anything, I found there to be incentive to seek out something culturally

stimulating. There’s nothing like a poorly constructed sculpture of a stick of rhubarb to inspire you to read War and Peace in its entirety, or to go on every school trip to a European city in order to escape the cultural black hole that is Wakefield.

comments from Celebrity Big Brother? Similarly, Jordan. Thousands of girls look up to the glamour model. Whilst I’ll allow that the plastic hag is a dab hand at manipulating the media and raking in the cash, she’s still ultimately a waste of space, most of which is taken up by her gawdy fake tits. She may have several Having spent the past few weeks watching books to her name but she proudly admits This Morning rather than going to lectures, that somebody else wrote them for her. Tell me I’m starting to think that there’s been a shift, or that’s not promoting stupidity.

‘She’s still ultimately a waste of space, most of which is taken up by her gawdy fake tits.’ even regression of culture. It may be 2012, but having seen the garbage gracing our screens, I think there’s some truth in the notion that as a nation, we’re dumbing down. You only have to watch an advert for The Jeremy Kyle Show to see the toothless future we seem to have.

‘Reality’ shows such as The Only Way Is Essex, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, and Big Brother rule our screens and turn people such as Kerry Katona and the late Jade Goody into stars. Tell me not to pick on dead people all you like, but let’s face it, Jade Goody wasn’t the national treasure she was made out to be.

Who doesn’t remember her ignorant, racist

Before anyone calls me a snob, I’m not going to discriminate here. The cast of Made In Chelsea are no better than anyone else. Almost the entire cast have had access to the most expensive education in the country, and have enough cash to fly around the world at a moment’s notice, or to pay for a ballet to be performed in their back gardens. Instead, they get manicures whilst pretending they didn’t shag their best mate’s boyfriend. With role models like this, is it any wonder that publications such as UniLad were able to ‘joke’ about being culturally knowledgeable purely because they once slept with someone of a different ethnic background?

I’d be lying if I said I thought there was a simple solution. We can’t ban reality TV and the BBC has dramatized every Austen and Dickens novel ever written, but we certainly need to celebrate what little culture we have, as well as those of others, and I don’t mean by ordering different takeaways once a week. Failing that, I plan on starting the cultural renaissance by burning a few particular organic sculptures.

The views expressed above do not neccesarily represent the views of Katie Price, qmunicate, or the Queen Margaret Union.

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features

The QMU’s Campaigns and Charities Committee (which meets every Monday, 5pm, in the Board Room, by the way) are raising money for Unity in the Community all semester. qmunicate went to find out what they do, and why they’re so important.

The Unity Centre was established in 2006 to provide and campaign for asylum seekers and refugees after the 2005 G8 summit, in response to frustration at the way asylum seekers were being treated by society and by the Home Office. Situated round the corner from the Home Office, and with 3,200 individuals on its books, it is a significant voice in the campaign to improve the treatment of asylum seekers. Unity in the Community was started 3 years ago to cater for wider issues in every-day life, including clothing, housing and language classes. It is a vital community resource for those who often have no recourse to public funds and support.

Alan White has been volunteering for Unity since 2008, having come across the charity through community activism. One of the biggest problems for asylum seekers, according to him, is an unjust legal system.

‘Unlike every other aspect of law, with the asylum system, you’re essentially guilty until proven innocent,’ He says. ‘You have to be able to prove that your story is correct, and that generally requires documents that people haven’t brought with them, or it requires huge amounts of effort from lawyers, who are already overstretched.’ Recent cuts to legal aid have meant a massive reduction in the amount of support organisations can provide, ultimately leading to the collapse of the Immigration Advisory Service in July 2011.

‘The idea that asylum cases are treated on their individual merit is just not true,’ he adds. ‘We registered someone today who first claimed asylum in 1997, and still hasn’t been given a decision, although his entire family has been granted leave to remain. And even for those who do get refugee status or citizenship, you still jump every time the door bell rings, there are serious psychological effects associated with the system.’

We asked Alan whether he felt that the situation for asylum seekers was getting better or worse. ‘It’s certainly getting a lot more difficult to claim asylum. The numbers are going down year-on-year, not because the world is a less dangerous place, but because the UK and Europe are making it much more difficult both for people to get to this country, and to claim asylum.’ ‘There are too few people who are angry enough about it to make it an issue. Invariably, when asylum is an issue in the

The New QMU Charity of the Semester wider public discourse, it’s in a negative way, by the Government or organisations like Migration Watch.’ Chaired by Sir Andrew Green, a former British diplomat, Migration Watch describes itself as an ‘independent think tank’, conducting research and making policy recommendations regarding immigration. It has been severely criticised for its misrepresentation of statistics and drawing of misleading conclusions.

‘Information is a massive issue for us. The numbers of of asylum seekers fell exponentially from 2002 to 2005, but public concern about asylum seekers went exponentially up. It was a combination of misleading reporting – the papers deliberately misunderstanding the difference between asylum seekers and economic migrants – and the general election.

Unity in the Community runs a charity shop, a book shop and a football league, bringing together asylum seekers and the wider population. A lot of Glasgow University students are involved in helping to run these services, and raising money and campaigning both off and on campus. In fact just this weekend past, student societies Amnesty International, Red Cross and STAR put together a brilliant Ceilidh in Qudos to raise money for refugees and asylum seekers. However, Alan explained that one of the best things people can do is just familiarise themselves with the facts. If anything you’ve ever seen or heard has piqued your interest, make sure to keep reading. There is a wealth of information out there, and the first and most crucial thing is to know your facts. We’ve included a handy cheat sheet with this article so you can get started!

The money raised by the QMU and its members will help Unity in the Community to continue the brilliant work done there, and improve its services. Each penny you can afford helps with everything from basic running costs like bills, to specific campaigns or help for individuals at risk. Find out more at unitycentreglasgow.org.

[Ellie Munro]

WORLDWIDE There are 42 million forcibly displaced people around the world. This includes 27.1 million internally displaced people and 15.6 million refugees 4 out of 5 refugees are housed in the developing world Pakistan takes in the most at 1.7 million, more than the 1.6 million taken by the whole of Europe The Democratic Republic of Congo, Burma and Columbia produce the most refugees UNITED KINGDOM 2009 FIGURES The number of asylum applications was 24,485 excluding dependants (30,675 including dependants) Of this 24,485 the initial decisions were as follows: - 4190 were granted asylum and were recognised as a refugee - <1% were protection

granted

humanitarian

- 10% were granted Discretionary Leave - Leaving 72% as refusals The total number of asylum dependants was 6185 – an average of one dependant for every four principle applicants 71% of dependents were under 18 and just over half were female The UK ranked 13th amongst European countries in terms of asylum seekers per head of population Of the 24,485 seeking asylum 15,330 (62%) applied for some kind of asylum support

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features

In Our Defence Have the new queens of the airways empowered their generation or just upset the last one?

On the day my Mum went into labour, my Aunt was desperately waiting to hear about the birth. One hour passed and nothing. A few more hours passed and nothing. My Aunt waited as long as she could, and finally phoned my Granny, ‘Hi Mum, any news on the birth?’ to which my Granny, normally quite a delightful woman replied, ‘We don’t talk about such things,’ and hung up. We laugh our asses off at this story. We laugh because we don’t live in that time anymore. We laugh because it isn’t a sin to show your ankles anymore. Women own their own bodies and we like it. Yet articles still slam stars like Rihanna and Katy Perry for ‘polluting the music industry’ or for being terrible role models for young girls. The biggest complaint seems to be, however, that they are using sex to sell. Really? Well no shit, mate.

Stars have always used sex to market their material, be it men or women, and from the dawn of pictures beauty and sensuality have been one of a celebrity’s greatest assets, it’s what they do with that tool that counts. What happens when a woman dresses ‘provocatively’ because she actually likes her own body?

Rihanna and Katy Perry are only two examples of women that have been vilified for being a little too raunchy, while stars like Taylor Swift get praised for their wholesome lyrics. Rihanna

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takes slack for songs like ‘S&M’ and Perry for going nude on her cover or squirting cream from her breasts, or even kissing girls with cherry chapstick. My Granny would have a heart attack.

be the bad girl, Rihanna says ‘Screw this, I’m a woman’.

We are not Granny hanging up the phone on something ‘unsavoury’ anymore, we have grown up and we are big enough to say we like sex. I sure do! More importantly we are big enough to admit that not everyone likes the same thing. Some want to kiss girls, some want to squirt Snoop Dogg with cream, and some want to be called Sugar Tits while being tied to the roof and spanked. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone why shouldn’t you do what makes you happy? These songs say there is nothing wrong with being different and being proud of it.

I’m here to defend those so called ‘sluts’. Katy Perry is willing to sing about controversial issues such as a girl kissing another girl, it may not seem much but when left with another thousand songs about waiting for Mr Right to sweep me off my feet, it’s refreshing to hear someone say try what feels right. No matter what you say about her musical ability, it’s comforting to see someone so sure of themselves and their body that they are willing to bare all for a 1940’s style painting on their cover, to be proud of who they are, and to have If you really want a song to complain about, try ‘Love Story’. The lyrics, based on a tragedy, fun with it. follow a girl’s journey crying because her Rihanna’s lyrics and style are empowering, boyfriend gets taken away, crying because ‘S&M’ especially. Here’s a woman standing up her Dad won’t let her play with him and then and saying ‘Label me all you want but I am crying because he hasn’t called. In the finale a woman and I love sex.’ This is a woman in she happily declares that her Father will let him complete charge of her own sexuality and not marry her. Frankly if I have a daughter I would afraid to talk about it. The video sparked plenty rather they were confident, open about their of controversy due to its explicit nature yet, the desires and knew what they wanted instead very point was being who she wanted and not of crying until they fulfil their lifelong dream caring what the paparazzi say. When the world of getting a husband. Then again, I’m not my gives her two choices, to be the good girl or Granny. [Nico Law]

features

no means no Offenders and the Prosecution Services are often portrayed as getting off lightly in rape cases. Cia Jackson investigates if this is the case, and why.

such behaviour, stating that the way media currently portrays rape as ‘a crime of passion’ Although the above may seem relatively and its victims as ‘asking for it’ as exacerbating harmless (or indeed humerous to long the problem. graduated readers and contributors of long retired GUU publication, Filth) such jokes are Although it cannot be denied that there are ultimately dangerous. Comments made in jest many efforts to combat rape culture, including are contributing and perpetuating a culture in amazing organised events such as SlutWalk, which rape is seemingly trivialised, normalised I turned my attention to the authorities. If and even excused, a factor which has not gone Uni Lad and popular women’s publications such as Cosmopolitan are to be believed, the unnoticed lately.

UK has the worst reporting and conviction Anyone with internet access will have noticed rates when it comes to rape, as well as a poor the recent furore surrounding online lad’s support network. I wanted to know the reality mag, Uni Lad. The website was closed down of reporting and prosecuting sexual offences, recently following the publication of an and what, if anything, was being done to fight article in which the writer argued: ‘If the girl rape culture. you’ve taken for a drink... won’t spread for your head, think about this… statistic: 85% of According to the Crown Prosecution Service’s rape cases go unreported.’ and ‘Uni Lad does (CPS) press information, there is a discrepancy not condone rape without saying surprise’. between police and CPS figures for rape cases, Although an apology was issued, the response however this is due to their having different from male and female readers was shocking, databases; with the police recording offences, as they argued that it was ‘just [rape] banter’, and the CPS recording defendants proceeded and accused those who complained as ‘closet against. In terms of the reporting of rapes being lesbians’ and ‘guys with small dicks’. I found the ‘disappointingly low’, a recent HMIC report views expressed by Uni Lad and its readership revealed that during 2010-11, reports of rape as both highly offensive and alarming. The fact increased by 26%, not due to increasing rapes, that Uni Lad was able to reach a wide audience but arguably due to victims feeling more able is extremely unsettling, as it allowed for the to come forward. Although conviction figures perpetuation of stereotypes and encouraged are perhaps lower in comparison, factors such affecting CPS statistics can include a sexual assault. victim deciding not to take things further, and Think my response too militant? A former although serial rapists will have committed female gang-member recently spoke to the multiple offences, they will often only appear media, exposing growing levels of sexual on CPS databases as one defendant. violence against young women joining gangs.

The woman suggested that girls were willing to The HMIC report also suggested victims aren’t subject themselves to sexual violence in order aware of the support available to them, stating to gain membership and status. She also argued that the public needs to be alerted to the that rapid normalisation and acceptance of existence of Sexual Assault Referral Centres, as rape within the UK was perhaps to blame for well as valuable resources such as Scotland’s No means yes and yes means harder.

own Rape Crisis website. The site not only refers victims to these centres, but features other supportive information for those who need i,tt including helplines, FAQ sections and a guide to court procedures.

This may help to explain current figures, but what of the existence of rape culture? Both the Crown Office and Procurator Fiscal (COPFS) and CPS are both aware of and actively making an effort to eradicate rape culture. Whilst their website does not currently feature any recent figures or reports, the COPFS embarked on a review of the handling of sexual offences as early as 2004. In 2008 the Lord Advocate wrote about the existence of rape culture, stressing that we need to change the way society views victims of rape as perhaps ‘deserving’ of their fate.

The CPS website in comparison features a section devoted purely to debunking issues regarding consent and the notion that all rapes are committed by thugs in dark alleys- all of which is easily accessed by the public. Recently, Head of CPS London, Alison Saunders gave a speech recognising rape culture, suggesting whilst judges and prosecutors are trained to deal with stereotypes, jurors often enter courtrooms with preconceived notions, leading to more acquittals.

On a personal level, I found the stance of the authorities to be refreshing and relieving; contrasting to the unsupportive image presented by the media. Saunders’ call for debate is a brilliant way to start a difficult battle against rape culture. I commend the authorities for recognising the need to fight rape culture and for their willingness to help me research this piece, particularly the Sheffield Sexual Exploitation Group, near my hometown. qmunicate • 11

features

DearEditor A concerned reader’s response to ‘A P.C Prince ?’

Tackling the most blasé point first, the author notes Prince Philip’s reputation as politically incorrect but waves this away with a nod at the Prince’s position and title. This isn’t hugely offensive but is indicative of the fact that some people are excused of unacceptable behaviour that is admonished when committed by those lower on the social ladder. The example that comes to mind is the demonization of benefit ‘scroungers’ alongside the justification of Sir Philip Green’s alleged multi-million pound tax dodge with the excuse ‘well his Arcadia group employs a lot of people’. What?! This bastardised karma that excuses unacceptable behaviour from an ‘important’ individual or business is too corrosive to be ignored because of their ‘hard work’ attempting to build ‘a sense of citizenship’.

The next point is the suggestion that it is a failure of society that ‘a sense of citizenship’ is absent from our lives. Accepting that schemes bearing the Duke of Edinburgh’s name do help some people to acquire this ‘sense of citizenship’, the blame for this not being ‘backed up elsewhere in society’ should not be ours. The most important aspect of this point is that it is ridiculous to suggest that most people ‘willing to work for what they want’ will be able to achieve it. This is one of the greatest lies perpetuated by the Western democracy; that everybody is born equal to their peers and, with enough graft, can achieve anything they desire.

With an ever-growing middle class, it can be easy to forget that huge portions of society will never have the opportunity to aspire to go to a university. Or for those who wish to enter straight into employment, the government has slashed the funding to and thus destroyed the social support networks of job centres, easily accessible apprenticeships, not to mention recent education reform devaluing nonacademic GCSE’s. These measures were never

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advocated by the public. Therefore, in response to the author’s exasperation that Philip’s hard work to create ‘community’ is not backed up elsewhere in society. There is a political and economic power system that is not only failing to help create closer social bonds between people, but is in fact actively destroying existing communities. What could be more divisive in society than a systematic alienation of each section of society.

On the government attempt to improve society through citizenship lessons, is it not a little suspect that the lessons of ‘morality’ through ‘democracy and justice’ don’t appear to have filtered through to the political and business elite that now run the country? Maybe rather than worrying about a progressive younger generation who are standing shoulder to shoulder to defend institutions of the welfare state, the focus should be on the older generation of business and banking executives that defend six figure bonuses on top of disproportionate salaries. Or the political elite whose Eton education informs them that lying about your party manifesto or that bailing out private banks at the expense of single parent families or those on disability benefits is ok. It’s just a suggestion, but I’m not sure it’s the vast majority of us who really need education about citizenship and community.

The last main assumption of the article is perhaps the most important one. It saddens me that people have actually fallen so hard for the Tory and judicial propaganda that the summer riots were ‘pure criminality’. And before the lynch mob carries me away I am not excusing or denying that criminal behaviour took place. A riot is an inarticulate expression of rage, frustration and the feeling of helplessness. It is not a mass movement of people fighting for a coherent political goal but this doesn’t mean it should be discounted and the causes ignored. I want to dare to suggest that, at least in part, the riots were a

lash-back against the governments’ cuts and unashamed attacks on poorer communities.

I remember listening to an interview on the radio shortly before the whole Mark Duggan incident where a volunteer at a social centre told the interviewer that following its closure, the local younger community would have no chance of positive community integration and he feared that many would become gang members to replace this sense of belonging.

While not a direct prediction of the riots, the effect of government attacks on communities were clear to many people. The fact that the rioters caused most harm to their own communities shows just how incoherent the anger and alienation was.

So as you have by now inferred, I am not a fan of the coalition or Philip or the whole notion that those in positions of political or economic power have it. The last Tory government destroyed the mining communities and now they’re back to drive further wedges into society. If you want to applaud anyone, applaud those who fought to try to keep University accessible, those who went on strike on November 30, those unions who aren’t accepting insulting compromises and are fighting for their members. If you want to make a positive change in your community donate to or volunteer to help out at a community project, stand with those fighting against community-destroying austerity measures, pressure your local MP into actually expressing the views of his/her constituents and not accepting party lines that this crisis must be paid for by communities and not those who deregulated the methods of making profit and gambled away money that never belonged to them. Once we destroy the lie that we are all in this together and they see who is actually standing together, only then can we hope to see a positive transformation of society.

features

are we really all ears?

Boris Miller-Kurakin discusses his time at Nightline, what really goes on, and what needs to be addressed.

For many of us the transition to Uni life can sometimes be quite hard. The move to a place often far away from our structures of support can be difficult and for a lot of us it can become too much to deal with. For many people there is little recourse for help that they can see, they feel alone or believe that nobody can really help them and so sometimes they just want to talk to someone about their troubles, and it’s times like these that Glasgow Uni students can call Nightline.

Yet is this trust misplaced? Are we relying on a service that ultimately doesn’t serve its purpose? Having heard a few disturbing rumours of nightliners failing to deliver this promised service I went on shift myself to find out directly what to make of it. At first it does seem all very friendly; you attend a training/ induction session where your role is explained.

Nightline is there to help, from offering advice on the best ways to get to lectures on time, to just allowing you to have an outlet for your troubles. It is a cover-all service, if anyone calls with troubles the nightliner can’t help with they are directed to someone who can. All in all the basic idea is a sound one, based on very good intentions.

confirmed by other nightliners who expressed similar concerns. This seemed to be manifested in a large shortage of callers with genuine problems. It was explained early on that the greatest number of calls come from the ‘regulars’ who often don’t want to use the service for its actual purpose and usually just want to abuse it. More often than not a shift with Nightline is a chance to turn up with snacks and watch movies. “Calories don’t count in the nightline room” I was happy to hear.

Often the biggest issue you may have to face is that horrifying prospect that your partner for the night may hate your taste in films, a tragic turn of events if I say so myself. Honestly, who doesn’t like Die Hard?

with some difficult calls from time to time then sure more than just a single training session is necessary? Samaritans offer at least a month’s worth of training before one of their volunteers is even allowed near a phone. Granted, nightliners are instructed to pass on the most difficult calls to someone more capable, yet the nightliner still represents the initial point of contact for a person in need. A caller may quite easily be lost with bad handling after a few seconds if they are really in trouble, they may not even get to the help they need.

This isn’t intended as a condemnation of Nightline, as stated the ideas behind the service are good; it’s built on the principal that something should be made available to help students and should be run by students.

All it really needs is some tweaking. More advertising, more training and a better reputation in general for Nightline would mean that students in need of assistance would know where to turn to and know that they would be helped. We all remember what it was like to be first years, for some it was easier than others, and we all know what it’s like to feel that sometimes you just need a little help. With a little work, Nightline could be there to give it.

It would be fair to question the validity of this service then, after all the university does pay rent for a property where it all takes place, they pay the for electricity and the cost of maintaining the phones, for all the equipment that’s in there, and for a cleaning service to come in and tidy up after each night is done. In a time where the uni is making severe cutbacks can we justify a service that can be said to not be functioning as well as it can? Yet maybe we can’t put a price tag on helping people, if even a few serious problems get dealt with then surely If you want to find out more about Nightline, you Yet it’s once you get to the practical functioning it’s worth the expense? can find out more on the GUSRC website: of nightline that you begin to see the cracks.

As a student I noticed that I almost never Yet still, even if it is we’re faced with another http://www.glasgowstudent.net/services/ saw adverts for nightline and this was also problem, if nightliners are expected to deal nightline/

qmunicate • 13

abcdefghijkl Live

Justice

Academy 12/02 French dance legends Justice stormed into Glasgow in support of new album Audio Video Disco, bringing their overtly extravagant and spectacular stage show.

Justice played O2 Academy on the 12th of Febuary and if anything can reflect the bombastic and sometimes self aggrandising nature of Gaspard Auge, Xavier de Rosnay’s and their music, it is their onstage set up. It is a veritable paradise of shiny knobs and whistles.

As they come on stage, a large cross (the symbol of Justice and of course, Jesus Christ) glows on the front of a desk made up of flashing panels specifically designed to look like synths.

The activity on the Valentine (yes that’s what they call the desk, they are, after all, French) signals the crowd and they go absolutely ballistic. The Academy was definitely sold out, I could feel it in the fat stomach pressing against

my back and in the clear agitation on the faces of those in the balconies, wishing they were down the front enjoying the show.

Two huge amplifier stacks bear down on those at the front, making the bass vibrate through your whole body to the point you think you’re about to have your face blasted off.

They begin with Civilisation, a huge fan favourite and one of their more recent releases, which gets the expected response, but there is limited moshing here. Instead, the crowd focus

on busting out some groovier moves - space permitting of course. A huge back curtain made up of LED lights flashes to the beat, programmed to change pattern for every song and probably the fixation of more than one person with glazed eyeballs throughout the evening. There is hardly a moment to breathe as euphoria, despite its slightly forced nature, grips the crowd. Valentine splits in half at one point to make way for Auge to approach his light up piano which he plays during D.A.N.C.E and I, like everyone else in the room get sucked in and wonder if he is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself.

The performance is near perfect, with an absolutely outstanding crowd response, but arguably too rehearsed and mechanical. The sound was a bit overwhelming but with a band like Justice it’s all about the spectacle and what a magnificent spectacle it was. (TK)

Theory of a Deadman Queen Margaret Union 23/02 Canadian rockers Theory of a Deadman made a triumphant return to Glasgow last month on Qudos’ stage, supported once again by The Crave, and local newcomers, Constellations.

Local lads Constellations failed to live up to their name, with a fairly mediocre set, the majority of which neither I, nor those accompanying me, can remember.

a born entertainer, easily making the audience listen to his every word, be it okes or demands for enthusiasm and ‘noise’.

The second support of the night, The Crave, was slightly more memorable. However perhaps this was only because the guitarist was wearing more eyeliner than the Joker.

Although it cannot be denied that The Crave are skilled musicians, with songs featuring some amazing guitar solos, their overall sound was somewhat generic - with little to single them out from other bands such as Kids in Glass Houses. The catty cynic in me questions why, two years after they first supported Theory

of a Deadman, The Crave are still serving as a support act and haven’t moved on to bigger While some people might find this distasteful, their Nickelback-style music attracts a similarly and better things. diehard fandom who keeps on demanding ‘the Moving on to the main attraction it can be usual’. As a result, the band took an uncommon said that, as per usual, Theory of a Deadman path and played a set constituting mostly of delivered an awesome show, entertaining songs that made them famous, instead of people of all ages and musical tastes. One thing promoting the new album ‘The Truth Is…’. This I find quite baffling is that the band somehow risky move paid off, as the audience sang along denies their ominous name by being charming, to every song. All in all, a very enjoyable gig! (CJ accessible and easy to relate to. Tyler Connoly is and AA)

14

One of the things I think make the band so lovable is their consistency in theme; most of their songs are about two things: the joy of being in love; and the scornfulness following a bad break-up.

lmnopqvxyz reviews

Versus: A Battle of the Bands

Jim’s Bar 09/02 Upward Junction kicked off the heat with an animated if somewhat ambitious set, featuring crowd-pleasing covers and original material.

The band were enthusiastic and welcoming when encouraging the audience to come closer to the stage and to even shuffle along in that typical awkward form of gig-dancing to an Artic Monkeys cover. With some fine-tuning to deal with the rhythm issues of the covers and a focus on perfecting their own material, Upward Junction’s enthusiastic performance showed potential.

Perduramo’s experience was evident. The band probably appreciated that their heavier sound had the risk of not translating well to the whole audience, but no one could dispute their talent. To offer some respite, the songs mixed parts of quiet singing with guitars building up to climatic and atmospheric instrumentals. This isn’t to say that there

wasn’t a fair amount of screaming, which pleased the dedicated followers of the band in the crowd. However, the lead singer did little to connect with those who weren’t die-hard fans. Perduramo’s technically impressive and commanding set ultimately secured them a well-deserved second place in this heat.

Throughout their set, Kung Fu Academy displayed great confidence in themselves, with original material that had been fine-tuned and translated well into their live performance.

Each song had a professional feel; the guitar riffs were decidedly funky, and contrasted well with Perduramo’s previous set. However, the lead singer could be in danger of coming across as slightly arrogant and in future, the band could let their songs be what the performance is judged upon, with more effort on engaging the audience, rather than just showing camaraderie on stage. Despite this,

Kung Fu Academy’s self-assurance delivered a strong set and secured first place out of the heat, to join Junebug in the Battle of the Bands final on the 22nd March.

After coming into the heat following sets from notably experienced acts, Cyan Falls reminded me of school talent shows which featured a group of boys the girls would fall in love with just because they were on stage playing a guitar. This band however, displayed more practiced skill and professionalism than a typical school show. The lead singer’s vocals and the rest of the band displayed a strong identifiable home-grown ‘Scottishness’, which brought with them a supportive group of followers who proudly sang along. The performance as a whole was endearing and charismatic, and with some more time, Cyan Falls have the potential to gain an even larger following. [AJ]

Albums/ Singles Speech Debelle Freedom of Speech Having been familiar with previous Mercury Prize winning artists, but not with Speech Debelle, I imagined by listening to this that I would just be adding yet another artist to my music library. I really did not enjoy this album, though.

Fighting Fiction Fighting Fiction

This album has an interesting mixture of acoustic and electric tracks, making Fighting Fiction sound much like Frank Turner (who they have supported in the past), both being punk with a pop edge, making it accessible to people who might turn up their nose to listening to punk. What makes The first track, Studio Backpack Rap, starts them punk, more than the sound of the songs, off well, and seems as if it’s building up to a are the lyrics. crescendo of some kind. This just became an issue of waiting for the beat to kick in. The Much like past punk bands, such as the Clash, unimaginative rhyme between ‘lesbian’ and they incorporate a ska sound into their music ‘Thespian’ perfectly exemplifies the tone the with the track No Room at the Inn which rest of the album takes. personally stands out enough to be called a

favourite track. The lyrics are perhaps not as The acoustic backing doesn’t seem to fit the politically charged as tracks like Rock n Roll is tone at all, though, and let it down a lot. I’m With Dead and Its Corpse is for Sale but when the It improved on this, having a vocally melodic band focus on rhythm over lyrics they really chorus to counteract the monotone rap. (JN) shine. Overall it’s not spectacular, but this

debut album marks Fighting Fiction as one to

watch. (JC)

Martin John Henry Span Former frontman of Glaswegian critical darlings De Rosa, Martin John Henry is carving out a solid reputation as an accomplished solo artist.

Having dueted with such staple Scottish acts as Malcolm Middleton, and Barry Burns of Mogwai fame, new single Span has been hotly anticipated by fans of De Rosa and Henry’s solo work alike.

The overtly Scottish accent on the vocals invites immediate comparison with artists such as the Twilight Sad, but new single Span is more reminiscent of Malcolm Middleton. Henry’s slightly raspy vocals and the pervasive synth riff call to mind tracks from Middleton’s Into the Woods. It’s curious that Henry has been making music of a similar ilk that has catapulted bands like Frightened Rabbit to stardom. Perhaps if he continues down this road he can enjoy the same success. (JM)

Unsigned Corner- Charlie and the Batchelors, a band from our very own Glasgow University, with plenty of extravagent bluesy flourishes. www.facebook.com/ charlieandthebatchelors 15

reviews

The Muppets Heartfelt, warm and sweet, this is without a doubt the family movie of the year. Not to mention review-proof; it’s a definite winner in a time of economic crisis. Sure, there are a few elements which prevent it from being a really great movie, but who really cares? The screenplay is a bit simplistic in terms of plot and there isn’t really that much of a sense of real conflict or danger, but that’s okay, because

Film Jack Black is tied to a chair and getting a haircut When you do decide to embrace the while a barbershop quartet performs Nirvana’s cheesiness, smiliness and overall feelgood-ness of the movie, you feel like just running down Smells Like Teen Spirit. a hill with Laura Ingalls Wilder with the theme The film is full of things to make you smile. tune of Little House on the Prairie playing in the You get Chris Cooper not actually being able background. There is no escaping the sunshine to do an evil laugh, chuckling ‘maniacal laugh, of this movie; even the most heartless of people maniacal laugh’ to himself, and Jason Segel would find it just impossible to be cynical or and Amy Adams who are adorable as always. A overly critical. Which is nothing less than what worthy mention must you should expect from a Muppets film. go to Bret McKenzie and his award-winning I can’t even begin to think of how many tune Man or Muppet cultural references have gone over my head (my life is halfway when watching The Muppets while growing complete with him up; however, I don’t really care, as it’s brilliant getting an Oscar); the all the same. Go and see it as it is the ultimate opportunity to sing feel good movie, and the fact that The Muppets along without looking exist and are still going strong is something of like a complete dork is a miracle. one that should not be [Liv Klingert] ignored.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close I’m starting to think that critically acclaimed director Stephen Daldry is as about as brilliant as flat Irn-Bru (from a plastic bottle). In Billy Elliot, a ten year old solved the miners’ strike and stopped Thatcher’s rape of the North by dancing provocatively in front of a bunch of angry geordies. And, in his new film, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, a ten year old boy called Oskar effectively deals with Jihadism by embarking on the most stylized piece of generic porridge since ‘Stylish Porridge - The decides that he must find the lock for it. Because Generic Musical’. this is what his father would want. Obviously.

Apparently. And so begins the most pointless, Oskar’s dad (a sadly balding Tom Hanks) is boring quest since...I don’t even know what unlucky enough to be at the World Trade since, since it was so brilliantly, fantastically, Center on the 11th of September 2001. After pointlessly pointless and boring and shit. he dies, his annoying son (who’s so quirky you’d like to punch him in the corduroys until he goes Parts of the film are good: Max von Sydow, as down and passers-by drag you off his bloodied, The Renter, deserved an Oscar for dressing hipster, ten year old corpse) discovers a key and all in black with his big sad face that I want to 16

feed and cuddle and make a nest for in my kitchen. Its main flaw, however, apart from a plot that makes me want to buy some sort of hunting rifle, is its main character, and the arrogantmonkeyboy-child who plays him. Looking back through my notes, I’m aware that I’ve scribbled ‘Somebody needs to strangle Oskar’ six times. And he’s on the screen for two whole hours. Quite frankly, he needs a beating. And since his mum, Sandra Bullock, is too busy grieving, I’m quite happy to volunteer. I’ll even do the jail-time for it.

If you have an infuriating rage building up inside you, which is sure to manifest itself against quirky, overly-emotional American children, then please, for the love of god, steer clear of this horribly horrible, inane, horrible film.

[Sean Iles]

reviews

To Have A Voice GSA 4th February - 31st March 2012 To Have A Voice is a collection of pieces by seven painters in a fairly big group painting show, including works by Hernan Bas, Kaye Donachie, Moyna Flannigan, Chantal Joffe, Bruno Pacheco, Gideon Rubin and Lynette Yiadom-Boakye. The exhibition explores contemporary figurative painting and its ability to give a fresh perspective in light of the legacy of the past. It looks at why the artists choose these particular characters to voice new perspectives. Additionally, it investigates whether there is anything new to be said through this medium given the diversity of today’s world where anyone with a camera phone can brand themselves ‘artists’.

Certainly, the artists are talented in approaching their subjects from various angles.

They’re obviously aware of their own subjective interpretations, with neither trying to be

completely truthful, abstract, or conceptual.

However, having no clear cut themes is a bit of an artsy way of saying it’s subject to your own interpretation, which means that the pieces are quite confusing overall.

The artwork displayed in To Have A Voice portrays figures that aren’t really human, but rather caricatures of humans, or even certain archetypes. Uncertain, unsettled and unresolved, reality for these figures is subjectivity. There is no time and place here; if it wasn’t for the imagination of the observer, then the people portrayed wouldn’t really be people. But this is a topic which has been explored before. The Glasgow School of Art talk about how painters work today and how they subvert expectations of this genre. This group of artists are certainly talented; however, to say their art is challenging, innovative and original

would be a joke. Their modernist approach is restricted to form, and to say these guys are cutting-edge is like saying that Will Ferrell is elegant. The exhibit simply feels beige. None of the pictures are memorable and the questions the exhibition raises are worth more than the actual art.

The fact that figurative painting is still around is great for contemporary art and means more diversity, which in any case is pleasing.

In the case of this exhibition though, I would rather see a diamond encrusted skull and feel outraged, rather than leave and feel like I didn’t see anything at all. The Art School is always worth a visit, so by all means go for the exhibition if you happen to be in the area. Just don’t go out of your way for it.

[Liv Klingert]

Late Night Comedy Jim’s Bar, QMU 1st March 2012 Another great night of live comedy in Jim’s showcased 5 new comedians. As a former student, the compère threw in the obligatory QMU vs GUU jokes and mentioned he used to live in the same house in Murano as I do. After shouting this out I told him to be funny because I was reviewing the set. He then threatened to give me a happy ending for a good review! In the second half he told off our very own news editor Theo Wheatley for being loud and told him to shut up or get out.

The first act came on and fired out one-liners.

He didn’t get so many laughs as groans, but he seemed to save his best jokes for last. I’m not always a fan of quick fire jokes, but he pulled it off and made it work. The second act made jokes about how he was certified under the Mental Health Act and was recently allowed his belt back. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh,

but I did anyway. He was very relaxed on stage, The final act danced around the stage, much possibly due to the diazepam he said he was on like Lee Evans, to find a spot where there was no mic feedback. He then started a Matt at the time.

Damon-based joke and someone shouted out The third act made some Glasgow jokes, Matt Damon in the way you’re all thinking it like how the average BMI is higher than the should be said. I liked his one-man skit about average life expectancy. I loved his joke about the B-Jesus, setting it up by saying his Irish neds becoming more refined due to vintage mother always uses the word bejesus and he rioja being cheaper than Buckfast. I later found always wondered what it was. He also kept out it was only his third time on stage; his act throwing in jokes about Mugabe, my favourite was flawless and he wasn’t noticeably nervous being, ‘He’s an Autocrat. No he’s not, he’s a man, at all. The fourth act complained about the not a robot that can turn into a car.’

QMU elections; because of them he was on stage 90 minutes later than he was supposed Overall, a good night which included a to be and had slightly overindulged in the free Pokémon theme tune singalong, just a bit booze. He talked about how depression isn’t subdued thanks to the late start. Come down a fun mental illness, like talking to fish can be. next time and see some great new comedy for There weren’t any laugh out loud moments to the price of one British pound! his act, but there was a constant chuckle from [Jake Casson] the audience.

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Tech Celebrating a Goldeen Age (Pun definitely intended) Sorry to make you feel old, but even though it only feels like yesterday that you were battling the original Elite Four on your Game Boy Classic, Pokémon Red and Green were first released in Japan on February 27th 1996. That’s 16 years ago. Pokémon can now officially get fingered behind a bike shed! Maybe.

The first time playing one of these magical games is always a special experience. I’d probably even go so far as to say that it’s as memorable as many other ‘first times’: children, marriages, kisses, and sex. Of course, unlike some of those others, Pokémon does not disappoint. The journey begins in Pallet Town.

You are a 10 year old boy, and are leaving home to go on an adventure. Your kindly neighbour, world renowned authority on all things Pokémon, Professor Oak then gives you one of the most difficult choices ever: Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle?!

8 Gyms, and 150 Pokémon later, you are crowned a Pokémon Master. I still remember going to Silph Co. in Celadon City to collect my Diploma, after finally evolving Dragonair into Dragonite, thereby completing my Pokédex. I tried all the various tricks, cheats, and glitches: the truck in Vermilion City Docks, the old man in Viridian City, and surfing on the coast of Cinnabar Island; all that got me was an encounter with Missingno, that terrible glitchy non-Pokémon.

And it was that encounter with Missingno that made me cry years later. I had acquired one of the new games, Silver, to which I traded my favourite beasties. Missingno, however, had corrupted my save data on Blue. All was going well, I had nearly caught them all (again), and it wasn’t until I had reached Mount Silver and was preparing to fight Red, and saved before the battle that anything even seemed wrong.

I turned the Game Boy back on, and my heart stopped for a while when I read the menu screen.

Yes, Missingno had deleted my precious save file, and wiped the cartridge clean. I cried and didn’t play it again. I just got a glitch-free copy

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of Gold a few months later instead, and played A year ago exactly as I write this, (also my that, but the dreaded glitch had already made birthday) Black and White were released in the UK. The Pokémon total had now reached a its mark on me. The magic was gone. whopping 649, and for some fans, this was too Until Generation III, that is, with Ruby and much. There still exists those people who refuse Sapphire. Far more colourful than previous to acknowledge anything after Red and Blue, - I too was sceptical by this point - but as it was my instalments, this version encouraged you to farm berries, and make odd sweets for your birthday, I indulged. creatures called Pokéblocks. Gardening and And I am glad I did. As difficult as it is to believe, cooking, how quaint.

Black and White somehow find that X-Factor Unfortunately, the Pokémon introduced in this that no games since R&B have managed to version were found to be lacking that Je ne incorporate. Everything is new, the protagonist sais quoi that previous games had. To quote a is slightly older, there is no real rival, only a friend, ‘They’re just animals now.’ The Pokédex misguided anti-hero. Playing Black and White renumbering was also unwelcome, and was like playing R&B for the first time all over seemingly pointless, but in retrospect, it seems again, and I felt like a wide eyed child again. that Ruby and Sapphire were almost testing grounds for features that would be improved Recently, new sequels were unveiled, unusually upon later. These games could not be linked to titled as numbered sequels. Pokémon Black 2 previous versions for trading, and this caused and White 2 have been announced. Speculation is also abound of whether these will somehow outrage. feature the region of Hoenn – the land of Ruby Further outrage ensued when Nintendo and Sapphire - the next games suspected to decided to remake Red and Blue in the form resurface in the world of Pokémon. of FireRed and LeafGreen. These were the only versions able to interact with Ruby and Whatever the details, it is undeniable that the Sapphire, though, so if you wanted a decent impact the Pokémon series has had on the world party, you had to buy these too. A few years is huge. Pikachu is recognised the world over, passed, and Diamond and Pearl were released. even by my sister who was born after the peak These featured all new monsters (yet again), of the craze. It has changed the way in which and a villainous crime ring that had stepped we play games and the way games are made, up its shit. Team Rocket just wanted riches and from the multimedia merchandising assault of rare Pokémon, but Team Galactic wanted to the brand to a dedication from hardcore fans destroy the Universe and remake it in their own to complete Herculean tasks. Whether we like image. Ridicule built up, and even though this it or not, we all live in a Pokémon world and it was arguably the best game to date, fanboy doesn’t look like that’ll be changing any time rage still occurred, accusing Nintendo of just soon. being after money. More cash cows followed with the release of remake titles, HeartGold [Joe Nelson] and SoulSilver. With these the magic returned slightly for me, as I was basically reliving my childhood, and journeying once again around the in-game regions of Johto and Kanto as I had done in my youth. This combined newer features from Ruby and Sapphire and Diamond and Pearl, such as weather conditions, and the new Pokémon, along with brand new stuff like sprite animations and Pokémon that could follow you around.

ALPHONSE, UNEMPLOYED LION TAMER

Want to Get Involved?

Simple. You can turn up at a meeting and volunteer to write stories/do illustrations/ do work online that we suggest or suggest your own. We meet every Wednesday at 5.30 in the Board Room of the QMU. Take the lift up to the third floor and turn right.

The publications committee is open to all members of the QMU, we encourage you to come, there are sweeties. Lots of them.