Brain Stew '17 / '18 - Issue 10

Happy almost Palentine’s Day, y’all! Be sure to miss me with all of that heteronormative noise. :P Emma comes back to tell us what pods she’s casting. (And not laundry ones!) Nicole gives us some steamy content and recylces a joke from the past two years. Zach Weber and Kristy keep giving us more movie reviews. Zoë warns us about Certain Coupling Pairs™. Malik and Zach Lee wax poetic in prose. Maddie Woodham wrote us a sweet ballad. Katie Hanners throws down some mad science factoids. JoHannah gives us the low down on what happened to the other white meat this semester. Mike talks about geese. Adam puts together a tasty smattering of memes. And... hmm... is something a little different? Are things... aligned better? Are those... proper font pairing techniques? Are the photos a little... clearer? Huh. I guess Zach finally learned how to use InDesign. ¯\_(:P)_/¯

The Understew

We ask the faculty stupid questions.

They answer, stupidly.

“What do you think of the new Brain Stew layout?”

Ann Turrosio

Dan Gerth

Kate Votaw

Wow, you know, I just gotta say, this whole new layout thing is really bitchin’. Like I’ve seen read a couple New Yorkers in my day, but this just doesn’t even compare.

Truly, a job well done. I must say though, and this is just my opinion, but I think that this layout could be improved by just one thing: —do you know what I’m going to say?—more pictures of Nancy! Honest to God, that woman is a powerhouse. That’s the way you’ll get first place next year at NCHC—more pictures of Wonder Woman herself.

Wait, you changed the layout? Could’ve fooled me.

Still looks shitty as ever. I mean seriously guys, c’mon.

You think that just because you’re using a modular grid and because you figured out how to do paragraph styles that you’ll look “fancier”?

Jeez, that’s total bull shit! If you really wanne be a subversive-as-hell-no-holds-barred magazine, you’ve gotta emulate what the the modernists did with their manifestos.

Haven’t you read Blast? The font’s like size a bajillion point. Boo the environment, I think you should print it all that big. It’d be better on my super old man eyes.

Oh. My. Gosh! You guys have really outdone yourselves. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a #fan of the Stew, but this just really gives the whole issue a nice polish. Look, it’s basically sprouting out rainbows from the centerfold! Eeeee!

I couldn’t be more proud of you guys. You’re really gonna super knock the other magazines out of the water at NCHC next year. I mean you guys are already the BEST, but now you’ll be the BEST BEST, you know? :D

The Morning Jello

ated red globs in my small office trash bin (probably just to remind me again of all the damage she has caused to my life) as opposed to disposing of it in the bin down the hall to the far-right side which would have saved me so much emotional trauma. You know what

By Malik Lendell Taylor-Allen they say about interns after all. They are all just devils on the inside. One he girl is back. Her cupped hands minute, they take your sanity, and the hold ravaged red jello as she waits next, they take your jobs, but I will not outside of my cubicle. let her take mine. No way!

“Anne. What did you I give one last look to the do?” I say. mutilated jello carcass that That was the jello I was is now lying helplessly atop saving since seven thirty in crumpled papers, snotty the morning for my sickly tissues, and empty Pepsi so n, Micah, as a special bottles. She looks at me treat when I came home, for a moment longer. What but somehow, the intern got does she want to mess up now? her filthy nosy fingers all over I wonder. Oh yea, I forgot! it.

I promised to allow her to “I was trying to reach mess up my budget, too. for my lunch box and…”

Why did I decide to be nice She forced a shiver down her spine and buy bus tickets for her first week of and began squeezing tears out of her working? How oblivious of me! I hand ducts until they dribbled down her her fourteen quarters, and she goes scheming little face. I was not going to hesitantly. fall for that trick again, and I was not “Have a good day.” going to allow this seventeen-year-old She looks back at me from the end to think that this thirty-five-year-old of the hallway. would even consider doing so. After “I hope you trip down every stair,” all, that jello was from my son’s favorI mumble. ite shop, The Bedfords’ Treat Shoppe, I then realize the cruelness in my which is closed for good now. Earlier, thoughts, and give out a faint “you, they were open for their last morning too” with an unnatural smile and a sale, and I came just before closing small wave. time to get the last of my son’s favorite flavor: strawberry mango, which just so happens to be the most expensive one as well. I had no hope to get more

By Katie Hanners though. For all I knew, the Bedfords could have been in Maine or Moscow Science Facts!!! now.

You all, the readers of Brain Stew, “Anne, why didn’t you ask me to the elite Honors members, deserve move the jello for you?” to be the first to hear about true and I propel myself to the back-left exciting facts in science and medicine! corner of my cubicle using my office Below is a list of facts that are sweeping chair. I grab paper towels that I have the science community at full speed. conveniently set on the top of the file So, without further ado, I present: the cabinet. I rip a couple of pieces away rediscovered facts of science! and throw them to her. .

The Earth is 2,017 years old “Here. Just throw it all away.” (source: the Bible) She decides to dispose the obliter-

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Science-y Stuff

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.

Everything on Earth is made up of Earth, Fire, Water, and Air (source: Avatar the Last Airbender) .

Using a tobacco smoke enema cures headaches, respiratory issues, drowsiness, and cramps (source: 1800’s western medicine) . Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup is the best way to calm a child (ingredients include morphine, opium, and ammonia). . Lobotomies are the most effective ways to cure headaches and depression (source: 1900’s medicine) .

Women are men with abnormal reproductive organs (source: Conduct Books) .

Alchemy is the most effective way to use personal skill to make money (source: Fullmetal Alchemist) . The Earth is the center of the universe (source: 1500’s maps) . Clitoral organsms are signs of insanity and illness (also symptoms of female hysteria [see above]) (source: Sigmund Freud) . Women do not naturally grow hair and those who do are witches (no source needed, this is just a fact) . The Earth is hollow and that’s where the dinosaurs went (also fact) . Pouring acid directly onto a person’s brain will turn them into a sex zombie (source: Jeffrey Dahmer) . Apples can feel when you kill and eat them, and they aren’t happy about it (source: August Strindberg) . You can make a homunculus by taking semen and putting it on horse dung, then leaving it in the sun for 30 days (source: Paracelsus) . Fossils are all fake and put in place by God to test Christian faith (that’s why they seem so old) (source: Philip Gosse) . The liver circulates blood and the heart circulates the “vital spirit” (hence the term ‘broken heart’) . Sprinkling water on a newborn can protect it from illness and death (source: the Old Testament)

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Manic Mike By, well, Manic Mike Why the heck is the UMSL mascot the Tritons?

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ay back in good ol’ 1965, there was a contest at UMSL to name a mascot. Prior to this time, the mascot had been the Rivermen, which posed various problems for students. I think they are pretty obvious, however, the masculine-only name was the major issue back then.

Even with little student support, somehow the Rivermen name was adopted in 1966.

In my opinion, Riv-

ermen is sexist, odd in a bad way, and uninspired - and the student body over the years felt the same.

Obviously, it kind of sucked as an option.

Come 2003, the Chancellor and the student body had enough of the Rivermen, so a decision was made to adopt a new mascot. Unfortunately, this resulted in nothing, and so again in 2006, with the assistance of a creative firm, the students were given two options - Tritons, and Mudcats.

I think the problems with Tritons are more obvious than Mudcats, which are just catfish (which are gross, but tasty... not sure they are really mascot material). More importantly, why the heck is a

landlocked state using a sea-based god’s weapon as their mascot? Why is the mascot a triton, and not the god Neptune himself ?

Why is the mascot not a triton, but a strange looking red lizard? So many questions.

I think it is time to finally admit what we are - the Fighting Geese. All students are used to avoiding the numerous piles of goose shit scattered about on North and South campuses. We see the geese constantly, and have become used to them as our campus co-inhabitants.

Geese can be fiercely competitive and territorial, and are quite intimidating if you get close to one. So I propose that we scrap this inadequate, inappropriate, and nonsensical mascot, the Tritons, and become the UMSL Fighting Geese. Honk honk.

The Mysterios Mr. T. I. Ndar

By Zachary Lee

I

was tired of being single.

The crunchy winter air wafted its way up my nostrils, making my heart palpitate at rates not healthy for just sitting on a park bench: alone again for Valentine’s Day. The fresh air made my head buzz. It made me want to sing and dance and build snowmen and drink hot chocolate. But not by myself.

As such, I consulted our very own modern day romance wizard, Mr. T. I. Ndar. With Siri as my trusted guide, I waltzed down what was a small opening in the frozen earth, from which blasted a soundtrack of the 80’s best love songs. I looked down at my phone, wondering if this was the correct path, and— “Con. Tin. You...Straight.”

Siri’s never wrong, right?

I walked ahead. The air turned musty, the aroma of paper—maybe love letters?—fading into oblivion, their perfumes jumping out from the ink blotted pages. Candlelight bounced off the walls, a soft glow on the glistening surface of the cave. A voice startled me.

“Pitter patter, you’re down hearted.

Take a seat and let’s get started.”

The crinkled, sage-like man owning the voice motioned to a wooden stool across from his table with an arthritic finger—perhaps from too much right-swiping?—and I took a seat. A crystal ball lay betwixt us. I, mesmerized by the ball’s soft glow, reached out and *smack* “Before into the ball we delve, tell me some about yourself.”

“Well, I like reading, and—” “Reading what? Specify! Some readings can be oh so dry.”

“Oh I dunno umm…well I like Hemmingway, Silverstein, David Sedaris—” “Now I’ve got some special clues.

Please, I prithee, continue.”

“Okay. Well, um, I also like walking outside, I guess. I mean, I’m not to

heavy about fitness or anything, heheh.

I like Netflix, umm…I like donuts....”

“Say no more, I have the one. Just swipe right, the deed is done.”

A very nice looking gentleman appeared in the crystal ball. His eyes: piercing! His hair: immaculate! His chin: chiseled by the gods! He had looks that could kill. I’m sure there must have been a pile of skeletons hidden beyond the outskirts of Mr. Ndar’s faint light, the bones of those with weaker knees than I who had fainted and fatally clunked their noggins upon the sight of this beautiful, beautiful boy. I took my quivering hand, pressed the image, and moved cleanly across the cool glass.

“It’s a match!” he exclaimed, his shadow bouncing from the candlelight to the walls of the cavern. His voice resonated throughout the cave and throughout my heartstrings. A gust of wind rustled the love letters around in a sweeping tornado. I blinked, and suddenly Mr. Ndar’s lair vanished. A single candle had taken the place of the crystal ball, and instead of the musty cave air flooding my nostrils, I was assaulted with the pleasing aroma of hazelnut blends and mocha frappuccinos. If I thought my heart was racing before, I must have been a fool. My four chambers of muscle were hustling liquid velvet at a rate unsuitable for just sitting down.

The vision of the boy burned in my mind. I wondered where he was.

The chair across from me remained empty. Was this heaven, or hell?

“Hi, you must be Zach,” a voice behind me mused.

I gulped. Blood rushed to my cheeks. My shoulders tensed up. I turned around as suavely as possible

(which, for the record was not altogether smooth at all). “Gebyes, gabagI hunkaAM.” He must have been controlling my mind; I stood up from the table smoothly, an impossible task for someone in my state, and kinda stood there. My hand shot forward as if to shake his, also something I couldn’t have done on my own. I was too busy staring into his eyes. Was I staring? Or were they sucking me in?

“Have you already gotten a coffee?”

“No. Yet not. Coffee good to drink. Heheheh.”

We grabbed some Joe and sat down. I can’t remember what we talked about. I was too busy shielding my eyes from the light reflecting off his perfectly white teeth. I think my brain was deteriorating. At least, it felt that way, laughing at his too-perfectly timed jokes, smiling at his too-perfectly aligned glances, blushing at his too-perfectly crafted compliments.

Eventually, we walked out onto the stone sidewalk, guitar music seeping out from the cafe, the street lamps bathing the town in a soft sepia glow. I prepared for a few profound words of parting, and he sucked me back into his eyes and then, he kissed me! My heart at last knew it’s limit. My head buzzed for a second, my eyelids fluttering up and down uncontrollably, and I fainted—plop!—right there on the sidewalk.

Upon awakening, I found myself safe and sound in my room again, despite a stiff neck. My clothes still smelt of coffee, and my lips tingled with electricity. Had it been a dream? Had I just forgotten to put on chapstick? I decided to take a walk, enjoying the crisp, winter air, contentedly alone.

Brain Stew...

At the Movies...

Please enjoy while Zach Weber reviews a shit ton of movies.

each other for long enough they decide to take things to a new level. So after that happens she describes how exactly his ummmm *low volume voice* man The Shape of Water parts work. So I would also like to say o you ever go to a Petsmart and hat if you are planning on taking your go to the fish isle and look at the mother or grandma or someone that fish in hopes to someday find the love you could easily feel awkward around of your life? If you answered yes to this is definitely not for you. But to be that question The Shape of Water serious this was a fantastic movie. So is a very relatable movie for you. An in honor of this movie taking place in easy way to describe this movie is if the cold war, I give this move 4 out of 5 Free Willy was turned into a romance movie. Or it kinda reminded me of the jello molds. Great movie.

Three Billboards Outside South Park episode with Kanye and the Ebbing, Missouri Fish Stick joke. But I’m not about to ou better buckle your seatbelt for take the easy way out of this. *Spoiler this rollercoaster of emotions movAlert* One of the main problems I had ie. I loved every second of this movie. throughout this entire movie was how easy that a janitor could get access to a I was trying to find a few things about highly classified room where they were this that I did not really like and I just can’t. There are like 3-4 main characdoing highly classified work during ters that you will either hate or think the Cold War. The Cold War being top 10 most classified times of all time they are the greatest thing since sliced bread in different times of the movie. in my opinion. But I decided to look When I was waiting for the movie to past that gear grinder and continue watching the movie. Another thing that start I thought it was just going to be one of those movies that got nominated I thought was weird was that the food for an award that just got nominated that this aquaman enjoyed the most was boiled eggs. BOILED EGGS!!!!!!! because it was “edgy” and not that great. At times I even laughed at this Easily one of least desirable ways to rather serious movie in my opinion. consume eggs. Secondly how did a But that’s probably why I liked it so group of scientists im assume realize much. All that’s left for me to say is if that this water creature thing liked you have any free time you NEED to eggs? Did they just go through lists of not so great foods such as pickled beets, see this movie. I give this 5/5 cheesy valentines day cards. oatmeal without sugar, and kale and Hostile decided that boiled eggs were the thing ince Valentine’s day was around the that he liked? I would have at least let corner I wanted to watch a movie him try like tacos or pizza because I guarantee if he tried those forget boiled that was like my love life. So I started out by looking for a movie that was eggs being his favorite food. Knowing sad, depressing, and hopeless at times. how they found out boiled eggs were his favorite food may be one thing the Yeah I know quite a crazy trifecta. As I was looking for for a movie I stumuniverse may never know. But one bled across this gem. If your tear ducts of the most I really wasnt curious on how that happens moments is after the need a good emptying this is for you.

Or maybe you are feeling a little bit mute janitor who is the love partner too happy as of recent and you need to of the water beast have been around

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check yourself. Regardless, this movie pulled a couple heart strings of mine. *Spoiler Alert* This movie is about the a man who had to take an imprisoned Native American Chief back to his homeland before he dies. The twist is the guy who has to take him back is that he is the one who captures him.

As any movie that involves guns there are some rather unrealistic scenes. But one that bother me was that there was someone in this movie that got shot in the chest and in the in the kidney area.

Now I know for a fact that the kidney receives a ridiculous amount of blood yet the director of this movie wants me to believe that he can survive on horse back constantly moving around for weeks. Ok whatever Mr. Director guy whatever you say it’s not like I’m in a physiology class or anything and know how blood flows and know that he would totes be dead by the end of the scene if he didn’t get medical attention that DOESN’T EVEN EXIST YET IN THIS MOVIE! But what do I know.

Oh yeah this was a good movie. On a scale from disgusting heart candies to ghirardelli caramel squares I give this a mystery heart shaped chocolate box.

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Insidious: The Last Key

’m going to be honest here I am not a big horror movie person so my review may be extremely biased. So with that being said this movie was a literal dumpster fire of a movie. If I would have had to pay to see this movie I would be furious. They should the monster thing like 5 bazillion times so at the end when they reveal the whole monster I was yawning. I will admit they did get me a couple of times with jump scares. So if are feeling crazy and want to waste 9-13 dollars on a subpar movie then this movie is just for you!

6.9/420 stars

And now it’s time for Kristy to review $5 movies!

Jupiter Ascending hen I sat down to review Jupiter Ascending I had problems thinking of exactly where to start. Really, I could only think of a bunch of one-lin-

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ers to sum up the movie well.

Jupiter Ascending, or The Most Underwhelming Antagonists Ever.

Or, I’m Down for More Mila Kunis Sci-Fi Movies. Or, Channing Tatum is absolutely banned from having a beard, pointy wolf ears, and eyeliner. Or, Mila Kunis the Bee Queen. Or, I’m really not making the shit up about the bees.

Or, Tsing shoulda had her own movie.

My favorite that I came up with…

Jupiter Ascending, or what the fuck is Sean Bean doing here.

I know I’m sounding salty and negative but really. Balem provides the main antagonist of the story and he just...sucks. All he does is whisper and whine and be incredibly white. All Jupiter had to do was give him a swift roundhouse kick (I know you can do it Mila), no stunt doubles, and the movie would’ve shot straight to a 4 stars/5.

That said, I didn’t mind the movie a whole lot. It was almost exactly 2 hours long, and I actually kinda loved the second hour. The first hour….. ehhhhhhhh. I’m not a major fan of the Wachowski’s work (The Matrix was maddeningly okay), and I’m detecting a pattern that they’re really just not so

good at the transition between ordinary Earth life to holy crap this ain’t Kansas or Earth or even myself anymore, Toto.

The worldbuilding outside of Earth was pretty good, costume design was my fav, the few androids were actually really fun and designed well, and even despite the watery Balem as a bad dude, the plot progressed well. The first hour was just painfully slow, could’ve been cut down to 30 minutes instead, and was really mostly slow-motion fight scene that wasn’t really compelling to me. I also found that I got easily confused in those fight scenes, they just weren’t constructed well in terms of what Hollywood has been dishin’ out in terms of action.

I didn’t really expect to give you a heavy dose of Kristy’s Brand of Realness here (I honestly was ready to make “Channing Tatum as a bad stylized werewolf ” jokes for the whole page), but here, take it. I don’t want my opinions anymore.

Tl;dr Personal Rating: 2.9/5 Sorry but I shouldn’t have to watch a movie for an hour to get to the interesting stuff

Does it stand the test of time?: Stylized werewolf Channing Tatum wasn’t even good for like two seconds, so absolutely not Should you watch this shit?: If you’re a Wachowski fangirl then you’ve prolly already seen it. Otherwise…. prolly not. But you won’t super regret it if you do?

And now, Brain Stew presents:

A Super Hot Erotic Poem

By Nicole Gevers I climb so high Lost in the sensation I succumb to your passionate creation I cry out in pleasure My body on fire I cling to your scent Hunger feeding my desire You, my love a familiar acquaintance The room is heating quickly while wait I in impatience Your scent so inviting Your presence I adore Your texture amazing I have to explore I’m caught up, Baby I’m greedy and you’re mine I’ll show that I crave you as the minutes fall behind Climbing that pinnacle Reaching together Desire whirling, intense We’re on the edge Reaching and grabbing Almost there, feel it the anticipation that sense of elation We explode over the edge The pizza rolls are done

Nicole did it last semester, so I’m gonna do it too!!

Here Are the Podcasts I Listen To All the Time

By Emma Daus (wait, she’s still around??)

the internet, as well as answer today’s hottest questions found lurking in the depths of Yahoo Answers. Guaranteed to give you at least 1 good belly-aching laugh per episode. Also they have some sort of weird fixation with horses.

Schedule: Posts weekly, every Monday Episode Length: A little over 1 hour Coffee with Butterscotch Where to Start: There’s literally t. Louis’s own independent game like, 8 years of backlog episodes; you’re development studio Butterscotch Shenanigans puts on a weekly podcast better off starting at a nice round numwhere they talk about life and the prog- ber like Ep. 300 and listening to the Best Bits compilations to get caught up ress of their work. But even if you’re not interested in the inner workings of with the rest. There’s also one episode where they have Lin-Manuel Miranda programming games (my CS major on as a special guest, so seek that out, is showing), the three Butterscotch all you Hamilton fans. I don’t know brothers also provide some good-ass discussions on games news, running a which episode it is specifically. business, philosophy, being an artist, productivity, and overall improving the quality of your life. Plus funny names for juuust about everything.

Schedule: Posts weekly, every Monday Episode Length: Roughly 1 hour Where to Start: Sound quality starts to improve around Ep. 12, but I recommend starting around Ep. 53 Ask Me Another because that’s when Carol Mertz joins PR’s trivia/puzzle game show the podcast team and Carol Mertz is is also available as a podcast! my hero.

Packed full of cool special guests and the occasional live music performance!

Something light-hearted and casual and fun! Plus you get to feel smart if you shout out the correct answer before the contestants do.

Schedule: Posts weekly, every Friday Episode Length: Just under 1 hour Where to Start: Anywhere! Start My Brother, My Brother, and Me with anything that catches your fancy!

Treat it like watching a game show, hree brothers come together to share wacky advice with people on ‘cause that’s what it is!

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The Beef & Dairy Network Podcast he official description of this podcast is, “The #1 podcast for those involved -- or just interested -- in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.” And…it’s just that. Sort of.

Remember the Welcome to Night Vale hype a couple years back? It’s kinda like that. Except...beefier? It’s hard to describe. Involves a lovely, soothing British accent.

Schedule: Posts monthly, usually around the third Sunday Episode Length: Roughly 20-30 minutes Where to Start: There’s not that many episodes yet, and they’re all fairly short, so you could listen to them all pretty quickly. Every single one of them is really entertaining.

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The Adventure Zone he brothers who brought you My Brother, My Brother, and Me team up with their dad to play a game of Dungeons & Dragons (if you don’t know how to play D&D, that’s okay, they don’t either). Together they weave together a dynamic story full of magic, suspense, and wacky characters.

Schedule: Posts every 2 weeks, on Thursdays Episode Length: Ranges from an hour to an hour-and-a-half...possibly longer Where to Start: The very beginning. I’m serious. You’ll thank me later.

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Half-Assed Horoscopes

By Zoë Scala

In this edition of Half-Assed Horoscopes, I was too busy this week to do a normal horoscope so instead I spent more time fucking around with photoshop to bring you: horoscope pairings, complete with “shipping names,” in honor of that day where babies shoot you with arrows. Please enjoy my mediocre ilustrations for these abominations. *If your signifigant other isnt the one randomly picked to be with your sign, the stars have spoken.

Canpio

Aquarcies

Taurmini

TOO MANY LEGS REALLY BUFF POINTY FELLOW X2 SHELL COMBO

SOMEHOW, A HIPSTER SURFER DUDE TOO KEWL 4 SKEWL PROBABLY IS IN AN INDIE BAND AND/OR WRITES POETRY

DOUBLE THE STUBBORN DOUBLE THE HORNS WHATS NOT TO LOVE?

Saggitarleo

Lirgo

Aricorn

UM. UH. WOW. WELL THIS WAS A BAD IDEA ALWAYS A GOOD HAIR DAY

LADY JUSTICE HERSELF VERY DRAMATIC, YET VERY RESOURCEFUL ALWAYS WINS GUESSING GAMES

GOAT + GOAT = ULTIMATE GOAT VERY FUNNY, BUT WEIRDLY SLIPPERY HAD A MERMAID PHASE

A Sweet Valentine’s Poem

By Maddie Woodham Valentine’s Day Waking up I realize The dreaded day is here I grumble and groan As I realize what will appear The halls will be bursting With overwhelming adulations While in response I stew in my constant frustrations It’s a sickening day Where a girl gets a flower And there are love-filled gazes While I tend to just glower Why oh why must this holiday exist It is pointless and foolish And horribly awkward for those Who are prudish I don’t wish to see Your making out session We are all well aware Of your love-sick obsession I can clearly hear Your lengthy, lovey sighs Meanwhile there is a girl Who sits and just cries Her crush did not bring Any gifts of adoration Therefore she is wailing With no sense or moderation Oh this loathsome day When will it ever end The day to become More than “just a friend” My agony will never die Certain diseases will spread Why don’t you all just watch Netflix Alone in your bed At the end of the day It’s simply chocolates and futile hope And of course, the occasional Couple that decided to elope Oh this irksome day Comes only once a year And yet it is the day I find to be most drear

Breaking: Bellerive’s Latest Pretentios Title Leaked And it’s saucy, y’all.

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hile the new issue of Bellerive is usually kept under lock and key

by Price Waterhouse Cooper, this year’s Bellerive class leaks like the Trump white house. Someone, possibly Zach “Steve Bannon” Lee, whose stated goal is the “deconstruction of the Bellerive state,” has posted everything to the web (and not the “deep web,” which isn’t as interesting as you think it is, or the “dark web,” where Dan Gerth buys laudanum. It’s just on the plain old Honors College website). Normally this would not matter because no one ever has ever looked at this part of the website before, but someone from the class was upset and then re-leaked it to Brain Stew, possibly Mary “Jarvanka” Lay, who is Zach’s main power rival for Geri’s affections. Of course, Brain Stew ignored all of this because

we have done 14 covers per year for 25 years, unlike those lazy Bellerive people, who have come up with a whopping 18 covers total in 18 years, including the scandalous one where Nancy Gleason could not decide “is that a boob or an elbow?” (see issue 12). But then we were one page short for this issue so we decided to cover the story. Anyway, a close examination of the website never before seen by anyone who does not get paid by the Honors College reveals that the title of Bellerive #18 is.... Submit Now. Rest assured that the FBI is investigating possible collusion with Russia over this leak. JoHannah McDonald is reportedly a person of interest because no real American would spell her name like that.

You Won’t Bellerive These Five Rumors about the Honors College’s Shittier Publication

By JoHannah McDonald Too shocking for the Current, too devastating for UMSL Daily, and too irreverent for Provenance, this article is exclusively brought to you by Brain Stew, UMSL’s Number One Source for the Truth™

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hat you are about to read is a series of true accounts from actual staff members about the inner workings of Bellirive. Please note that although all facts discussed in this article are 100 percent, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt verified and bonafide truths, the content may be too disturbing for faint-hearted readers. If you are pregnant, currently suffering from a heart-discussion, an English major, or of some other delicate constitution, stop reading now. To ensure the safety of those interviewed, all names have been altered.

1. The True Source of Submissions While Bellerieve claims it draws its submissions from UMSL faculty, staff, and students, my confidential sources painted a different picture: “Did we get submissions? Sure we did,” noted former staff member Caitlyn April, “but was it enough to create an entire book? Hell no! Half the people on campus haven’t heard of Belerive and the other half think it’s a fancy new eatery by Sodexo. Our submissions really came from three different sources: stuff Litmag left jammed in their copy machine, doodles from on the attendance sheet of Cultural Traditions I and II, and a new form of poetry that involves Ouija boards and Twister mats.”

2. Decadent Feasts Paid for by Your Tuition The Belleryve classroom is conveniently located right near the kitchens.

Harmless coincidence? Think again.

“Is being hungry a crime now?” cried Teegan Murder when I confronted her about the rumors that Bellyrive hosted lavish banquets weekly, blowing their budget in the process. “Do you know how hard it is consolidating a series of disparate artistic sensibilities into a singular work of art that will transcend the test of time? I don’t; maybe ask someone over at Litmag? At any rate, all that spirit-channeling and arrow-spinning was exhausting, so yeah maybe we kept a bubbling fountain of LaCroix around or an enormous block of cheese carved into the likeness of Dan Gerth around for when times were tough. Morale was up, so who cares about the cost? We can always just make a few more pages black and white.”

3. The Terrifying Ghostly Presence The Honors College has a proud history of occult activity, but did Billerive cross the line? One staff member said yes: “At first, it was fun you know? Like we’d summon ghosts or whatever, everyone would laugh, good times,” testified Aubri Eves, “But then it appeared.

You’d be like just trying to catch squirrels to tie launch advertisements to their tails and suddenly there would be a flash of light. It happened at the most random times, and sometimes I could feel a creepy, unnatural gaze upon me, sizing me up, that would fade away a moment later. It chilled me to the bone.

The freakiest part was that at the end of the semester, someone posted a link in the group chat to a bunch of meticulously labeled pictures of us; someone or something had been recording us all year for unknown, likely sinister purposes. The experience really changed

me, and now I carry a sprig of sage, a pinch of salt, and a 9mm with me at all times.”

4. The Preposterous Incompetence of the Staff Belyrieve is allegedly an Honor’s College course and therefore theoretically the best of the best, yet one former editor claims that they just weren’t up to snuff.

“I can’t say anything much about Art and Layout, but Editing had no idea what they were doing,” confided Chad Seanwick, “I mean no idea.

Nobody knew where a comma did or didn’t go, so we just kind of put them after words that sounded cool, ya know? And em dashes—my God, don’t get me started on em dashes.

At some point I think we accidentally deleted a whole page and replaced it with a continuous em dash. And it wasn’t just grammar; we actually had someone who couldn’t do basic math.

Like, we needed to count the number of works featured and they managed to be off by three! Three! How could anyone be so foolish, so exceptionally and inexplicably misguided, so terribly and absolutely ill-blessed in brains that they could ever make such a unsightly, unimaginable, and unforgiveable error?

The mind boggles.”

5. The Erotica Lurking Under the Surface UMSL prides itself in crafting a family-friendly environment for its students, so why does Belliryve insist on peddling smut under the guise of “art”?

“Technically, all the pieces in Bellerive are not about dicks, but in a larger sense, technically they all are?” argues former staffer Jack Dee, “Because all of life is sort of about dicks? Like, the primal animalism of humanity’s need to breed is a sensual undercurrent that flavors all aspects of human society but is most keenly reflected in cultural output of our collective community? So everything is dicks, and also vaginas I guess? Genitalia in general I suppose? I don’t know, but I do know that “Genitalia in General” would be an amazing album title.”

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WHAT IS BRAIN STEW?

Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW?

Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors: Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Zachary Lee: zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.