Brain Stew, 2022-23, Issue 8

AreYouGoing to Miss HavingEditor Aimeeon theBS Squad?

*Weeping profusely at the mention of losing the best editor ever to grace the halls of the Pierre Laclede Honors College*

Fall 2018 - Fall 2022

Who? Miss ‘em? I hardly knew em? And I definitely did not have plans to murder them in the future. Hopefully nothingaccident related happens to ruin my hazing trial as a Brain Stew Editor

Aimee Pieper

Welp,

I’m dying, according to the clause in my Brain Stew Editor contract. I have a couple people to thank before I pass beyond the veil and into the horrors of mediocre office jobs and my cranberry farm side hustle.

First I’d like to thank Monica Fartmeyer for dying before me, so that I could inherit her editing job. Rest in peace, I heard that butt cancer was brutal.

I’d like to thank Dan for being cool, and I can’t wait to be that weird alum at all the Brain Stew and PLHC events (like Cullen).

I’d like to thank past editors Kenny, Mya, and Cullen for making Brain Stew a fun first editing experience for me, and for being funny as fuck. Thank you for accepting my normie shit when I was still trying to find my comedic voice. And thank you especially to Mya for recruiting me.

Finally I’d like to thank my fellow editors: Abby, Hannah, Sydney, and newest editor Josiah. You all rock hardcore, and are, again, funny as fuck. Brain Stew is in good hands (and claws).

I have really enjoyed writing book reviews, designing covers, submitting short stories, and also generally shooting the shit with you guys in magazine format. The BS for Brain Stew also stands for bullshit, and sometimes the most beautiful things come out of that.

And with my final breath, which could be between now and, I dunno, the next decade or so… my will… is hidden… Louie… the Geese….

Gratefully yours, Aimee Pieper.

HONORS 2050: SCIENCE IN THE NEWS’ “BLUFF THE LISTENER” CONTEST!!!

The Honors College Interpretation of NPR’s Bluff the Listener news contest! Brought to you by the amazingly news-savvy and discerning students enrolled in HONORS 2050-001: Science in the News.

For those of you who may not know (and why aren’t listening to your local NPR station?) the Bluff the Listener news contest is a segment from NPR’s radio show, Wait,wait...don’ttell me, where news stories about a news-worthy topic are presented to the contestant but only one is true. To win, the contestant must pick the true news story from the fake news stories. In our version, we present news stories about a science topic and the contestant (that’s you) must pick the true news story. We know you could use Google to help you find the true story, but do you really want your triumph tainted by Google?

Submit your Google-free guess to Dan Gerth via email at GerthD@umsl.edu. The first FIVE correct entries will be selected to win amysteryprizeas well as eternal glory and bragging rights! Entries will be accepted until Friday 12/9/2022.

The topic for this edition is Sperm:Secretstosuccess withthisgamete

STORY #1

Have you participated in No Nut November? Maybe you should…

The University of Rhode Island studied the sexual activities of a group of young men. Throughout the course of a year, a research team led by Dr. Peter J. Snyder collected weekly samples to track the participants' sperm counts. These young men were encouraged to not change their sexual routines in order to obtain the most accurate data possible. The data found that their activities mainly pertained to masturbation and penetrative sex. It suggested that men who masturbated more frequently had statistically lower sperm counts. Their sperm count had decreased by up to 17%, compared to a 2-3% decrease found in those who masturbated less frequently.

With a lower sperm count, the chances of conception significantly decrease. This can affect self-esteem and cause marital conflict. Many studies indicate that selfesteem is linked to an individual's fertility. If a young man has diminished fertility, then his self-esteem is drastically affected. Other studies have also indicated that difficulty conceiving can increase the chances of divorce by approximately 37%. The inability to conceive puts a huge strain on the relationship between a husband and wife. As the study found, lower sperm count can affect many areas of a young man’s life, in most cases for the worst. So maybe you should reconsider participating in No Nut November.

I swear if someone hides the squirrel’s nuts again, I will rip out their esophagus with my teeth.

Alpha Sperm Stick to Bros before Hoes

You have heard it said that you go farther together, and that rings true even for groups of sperm. Sound strange? Sperm must swim in mucus in order to get to the egg. However, being a loner is not cool or a good idea in this instance. In a recent study, The Department of Physics in North Carolina A&T University experimented with cattle sperm to test this thesis. What they found was interesting. A single sperm is less likely to make it straight through the mucus alone, but instead take a windy path that lowers the chances of a successful fertilization. However, when the sperm is grouped together, they are then able to carve through the mucus in a straighter line, getting them to fertilize faster and more successfully. Though a single sperm might be able to swim quicker than a cluster of sperm, they are less likely to make it to the egg because their path is less direct.

The implications of the study are exciting, as they are providing new paths in the reproductive field. Unsurprisingly, fertility also plays a role in how successfully the sperm are able to swim forward. This, on top of being clustered, is the recipe for successful fertilization. It could provide doctors with clues to human infertility. Cattle sperm, it turns out, are very similar to human sperm in terms of size, shape, and the environment they swim through. Therefore when it comes to fertility treatments such as in vitro fertilization, this new knowledge could make it possible for doctors to pick out the best sperm – as in, the sperm that work together. Groups projects may suck for college students, but sperm like them a lot. Bros before hoes!!!

HOE – a gardening tool HO – yo mama (probably)

STORY #3

Energy Drinks Busting Your Balls?

Before you reach for your next energy drink, think about it; Think about your balls. Researchers have recently published a study out of the University of Vancouver that shows the effects of energy drinks on your sperm and balls. It is not what you would expect. The study concluded that taurine, an ingredient found in most energy drinks such as Red Bull and Monster, causes your sperm to move at incredible speed. Many people who struggle with fertility issues are surprised when their doctors tell them their sperm needs to slow down. Most men have taken a page out of Sonic the Hedgehog’s book, “Gotta go fast”. However, this is detrimental to men in serious relationships hoping to copulate with their partner. The sulfonic acid that makes up taurine has been shown to agitate the sperm’s natural functions, causing it to swim and disperse faster. These accelerating properties were not found, even when isolated with a synthetic ovum, to improve fertility. Rather, it rapidly decreased the sperm’s chances of successfully binding to and entering the ovum. The average sperm moves at a speed of 28 MPH, but consumption of an energy drink has been shown to significantly increase ejaculate speed, which could damage internal testicular structure. Truly an impressive feat of speed. So next time that you get drowsy and think you need an energy drink, think about your gonads.

December2,2023

FormerPresidentDonaldJ.Trump

1100 S. Ocean Blvd. Palm Beach, Florida 33480

Dear Donnie,

Can we callyou Donnie? Thanks! Okay, here’sthe deal, Donnie. We here at Brain Stew are big fans. We’re notgoing to getinto why we like you, as it’s probably not what you’re hoping. But who cares,right? We are loyal to you,in a fashion,and that’s what matters. Anyway, as very loyal,very big fans huge fans, you might say we were very excitedby storiesthatyouwere working on a new, killernickname forGovernorRon DeSantis, to be unveiled orunleashed, we were hoping on November7. To say that we were disappointed in Ron DeSanctimoniousisa tremendousunderstatement. Afterall, you have “the bestwords,” and we do notmean that sarcastically. Also,we’re notlike these loserswho joke that you don’t even know what “sanctimonious” even means. We don’t know what itmeans eitherand are notbotheringto lookit up. It even just soundslame. And let’sface it,it soundslike you’re trying to be “witty,” and everyone knows “witty” isthe opposite offunny. It’s like pretendingto be funny, with people pretending you are funny, but no one’slaughing.

So, in the interestofthe public good(at leastin the way Elon Musk defines“public good”), we bring you some new, highly improved nicknames forthisguy. We’d warn you that we don’t actually know shitabout this dude, but we suspectyoudon’t either,so no worries,we assume. Anyway, we’ve actually gotabout 200 ofthese,but in the interestofbrevity,as we understand you do notlike to read, we bring you our tenbest. Unlesswe run outofroomin thisletterbefore we get to all ten. We’re notfans ofediting, as you can probably tell.

Ron

You can use as many as you’d like whenever you’d like to. Thank you foryourtime, and good luck to you, sir.

Affectionately, Aimee Pieper,Abby Wall,Hanna Smid, and Sydney Stark Brain Stew editors

HAPPY GRADUATION TO BRAIN STEW EDITOR AIMEE PIEPER!

Aimee Pieper began work as a Brain Stew editor in January 2020, after the retirement of William F. Buckley, Jr. With her forthcoming graduation and Spanish degree, it’s a fitting time to reminisce. We asked her former editor colleagues, some UMSL big shots, and Ed to share their memories of Aimee…

Mya Horn, BS editor, August 2020-May 2022

I remember it like it was yesterday… I was watching TV and this dude with orange skin told me it was okay to grab people by the p***y. I was so excited. The first person I saw was Aimee, whom I had never met before. The rest is history…

Louie, lizard or something

I remember it like it was yesterday… I was watching TV and this dude with orange skin told me it was okay to grab people by the p***y. I was so excited. The first person I saw was Aimee, whom I had never met before. The rest is history…

I can’t remember when I met Aimee. But I assure you, if I had met her the way Mya and Louie did, I’d remember.

BRAIN STEW

Ed Munn Sanchez, Spaniard

I don’t remember when I first met Aimee, but I do remember when I first became acquainted with her art work. It was 1978, and I went to check the mail for the newest Brain Stew, which in those days was hard core pornography. Aimee’s impact on the publication cannot be underestimated. I’m very sorry that she is retiring. Mx Pieper, you will be missed.

Cullen Landolt, bald man, 1997 present; BS editor, January –December 2021.

THEY STOLE MY HAT! THEY STOLE MY HAT! I KILL YOU SCUM! GIVE ME BACK MY F***ING HAT, YOU WHORE!

Local Karen, January 2016-present May I speak to your dean? This is unacceptable. This publication ruined my entire vacation.

Kenny Miller, BS editor, January 2020-May 2022

So, I’m sleeping on a bench, minding my own business, one December, and this person comes up to me and says “Oh, I’m so sorry you’re homeless, can I give you a ride to the shelter?” And I say “f**k you, b***h, I’m ‘home free,’ not ‘homeless,’ you judgmental skank! But also, what’s that stack of newspapers you’re carrying? They look warm.” And that’s how I became a Brain Stew editor. And how I didn’t freeze to death that night.

Local cat, March 22, 2007 – present Every summer this pig I live with pays some rando kid to feed me while he’s on vacation. There was Cullen, Mya, Kenny, Tony, Sammy… I forget who else. But not this Aimee person. Thank god. Nice hat, though.

Pop Quiz! Aimee has very nice eyebrows in this picture to the right. Yes No

Voter fraud! Voter fraud!

Jesus Christ, this is weird even for Brain Stew

Nancy Gleason, Ass Dean Emeritus, forever

The junior editors…

Sydney Stark, BS editor, August 2022-present

Hannah Smid, BS editor, August 2022 present

Abby Wall, Black woman and werewolf, December 25, 2002 present; BS editor, January 2022 present

Sydney: I’d conjoin you to my butt if I could, Aimee.

Hannah: I might not actually exist. How does the internet not have pictures of me?

Abby: I swear to God, if my byline says “Black woman” or “Biracial” or some such crap, someone is getting knifed. By Aidan. He needs to pull his weight in this relationship.

Josiah Ayres, BS editor, January 2023 - ?

Hi, I’m Josiah, and I am honored that you’d want my comments about Aimee, who I have never met, but who I am replacing in January. First, let me clear up some misconceptions. Despite being named Josiah, I promise that I am not a home schooled weirdo. I was required to take a test on the bible, and only after failing it was I allowed to join Brain Stew.

Dan Gerth, birthday girl God damnit, Aimee still owes me money! She sat in on 3 days of my fairytales class in fall 2018, even though she wasn’t registered for it. According to my math, she owes me $114. That’s the cost of a class, divided by the days of meetings, times three.

(Long pause) Holy shit, these idiots pay $38 per day to listen to me? Higher education is doomed! Doomed! Argh!

RIP Aimee Pieper

Born: September 27, 1999

Died: August 11, 2031 in a cranberry silo explosion Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria. 2Kings23-25

Also, thank you for everything. It has been wonderful!

KENNY MILLER CANCELS EIGHT-YEAROLD GIRL AND ASPIRING COMEDIAN FOR INSENSITIVE DIG AT MEXICANS!

Former Brain Stew editor Kenny Miller is no stranger to controversy. In his post graduate escapades, Kenny Miller has opted to torture schoolchildren and make his money selling shrooms to Dan and the members of his homeless man congregation. During a lesson on why cleaning your crack pipe is standard hygiene practice, an eight year old girl told our friend she had a joke for him. He huffed, and the little girl told her joke. We here at The Provincial House Times were able to obtain the all exclusive joke, which is as follows:

“What do Mexicans name their cars? Carlos!”

When reached for comment, the girl said she just wanted to make her teacher smile. That sure did not happen.

Miller promptly flipped several desks and RKO’ed a student who had the audacity to stand in his way. He ran around the room, yelling “CANCELLED! ABSOLUTELY CANCELLED! SHE DID A RACISM!” The children started crying, and the little girl was banned from comedy for her transgressions. St. Louis City Public Schools is paying Miller an undisclosed amount of money in damages, since he “looks spicy enough” that the young woman’s joke was offensive enough.

When news of the incident reached the Honors College, the public opinion was quite split. Brain Stew editor and popular token of the Honors College Abby Wall stated that the “girl could be president one day, and yet another white man has squashed her dreams. Thank God. I want affirmative action all to myself.”

Dean Ed has taken the incident way too personally, making this official statement: “Cancel culture has gone wayyy too far! Women deserve to be funny! Not the female Brain Stew editors, though, because I don’t wanna get fired. But as long as she’s not being funny for Brain Stew, why cancel her! I quite like jokes at the expense of Mexicans! Don’t cancel me for that, my name is literally Sanchez!”

Though no one asked or even cares what he has to contribute, Rob Wilson, local feminist, also added to the conversation.

“Kenny Miller is simply trying to keep women of color out of a white man’s playground,” Wilson, irrelevant, said. “When I was a kid, you know what that was called? Segregation. Well, it was also called legal, BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT. BURN IN HELL, Kenny Miller! Black women are funny! Unless they become Brain Stew editors. But that’s the case for all women!”

The incident has become a real point of contention in the college, tearing up class discussions and being the only available topic in the Common Room at any and all times. If you or someone you know was personally affected by the insensitive remarks made by an 8 year old girl, send your complaints to The Provincial House Times. This story is still developing.

Holy Balls, it’s Christmas!

AI Generated UMSL

MEANINGLESS HONORS TIERLISTS PART 1:

Anna’s Really Shitty Map Collection

Map 1: Map 2:

A Year in Book Reviews

I realize that I haven’t done a whole lot of reviews this year - in fact I think my first and last review of this year was for Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut. Since I currently have 28 books I’ve read this year since then, I wanted to write one last editor official book review article. Without further ado, here are my Top 5 Books I’ve Read This Year.

Stone Fruit is a graphic novel about Bron and Ray, a queer couple who bond over babysitting Ray’s niece, much to the disapproval of Ray’s sister. The couple attempts to repair their family ties when their own relationship gets rough. The emotion and complexity of relationships expressed through the sweeping art style really stuck with me after reading this book. 4 out of 5 stars for exploring complex family relationships and giving me hope at the end.

Witchy is the best graphic novel I’ve read this year. This book is about witches, and how the strength of their magic is stored in the length of their hair. However, witches with hair that is deemed to long are deemed enemies of the kingdom for having too much magic. This first story follows Nyneve as she attempts to hide her power after the death of her father, and what happens to her when her power is suddenly discovered. 5 out of 5 stars, I still can’t get my hands on the second book, which is infuriating.

Technically I’ve read Carry On before, but it still counts as one of my favorite books I’ve read this year. I love everything Rainbow Rowell has written, but this, in my opinion, is her best work by far. Simon, Heir to the Mage, is trying to enjoy his last year of Watford with as minimal monster interactions as possible but his missing roommate, Baz, is making it difficult. Then Simon receives Baz’s visiting, and suddenly they have a magical murder mystery to solve. 5 out of 5 stars for being the best magic trilogy ever (in my opinion).

This book was RIVETING! I rarely read dystopian science fiction as a genre, but this was a recommendation from former Brain Stew Editor Mya. In The Grace Year, the people of Tierney’s village believe that women have magical power inside of them, and are banished to the wilderness for an entire year in order to expunge themself of their magic. But is it really magic that the villagers fear?

There’s so much that I cannot put into a review either. The twists are fantastic, and every loose end is tied up perfectly. I have a feeling that if you like The Handmaid’s Tale, and conspiracies to overthrow the patriarchy in general, this is the book for you. 5 out of 5 stars.

And finally… my favoritest book of the year…

THERE IS SO MUCH I COULD SAY ABOUT SPITFIRE!!

Prince Caederyn is set to wed his betrothed, Princess Allene, joining their countries of Nadara and Voswain into a powerful alliance. Much to the chagrin of Feon, Prince Caderyn’s life long, soul bonded dragon. What’s worse is that Allene is not as boring, stuck up, and annoying as they thought she would be. And she’s super hot to boot.

This is a very steamy, fantasy, polyamorous/queer romance novel, in case you haven’t figured that out. Aside from that though, the intricacy of the worldbuilding is FANTASTIC, the interpersonal relationships and pining are TO DIE FOR, and there are so many mysteries solved and left unsolved for the next book. Please, if you give Spitfire a chance, contact me so we can yell about it together. 5 out of 5 for being too amazing to form actual words for. (Currently the only place I know of to pick up a copy is Amazon btw, in case you wanted to give it a look).

I hope you enjoyed this not so quick top 5 book review! It’s really been an honor to be able to write stuff like this for Brain Stew. I hope that one of you readers will think to submit your own reviews, of movies, books, the best UMSL classroom to hide in, your most hated music album, and more!

Thnks fr th mmrs (I’m cringe but free) ~ Editor Aimee

What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!

We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!

How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu

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