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The Understew

We ask Honors College faculty stupid questions – they answer, stupidly:

What didwas you itthink of Bird Box? Who’s turn for the Understew?

Ed Munn Sanchez

I won’t say too much so I don’t spoil the movie for people who haven’t seen it yet, but I liked it. Although, I didn’t think it was very realistic. You really think a group of people could all live together peacefully in one house and cooperate during an apocalypse?? Trust me, I know Not philosophy, and that mine. kind of thing just doesn’t happen. Also, why didn’t they all just live in the supermarket once they got there? And for crying out loud, why would you let in strangers inside your house?! Honestly, those idiots got what was coming to them. Not a huge fan of the ending either. There’s no way that Sandra Bullock and those kids survived the rapids and didn’t get attacked in the forest while blindfolded. Also, having a school for the blind serve as a refuge from a plague that is transmitted via eyesight? So cliché!

Nicole Gever

Nancy Gleason

Kate Votaw

AHHHH! BIRDBOX!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD. DO Tony Deluvia NOT. TAKE OFF. YOUR BLINDFOLD!Not Now if you don’t mine, I swear. mind, I have to get down to the river before it gets dark outside. Do you happen to have a boat I could borrow? A pool noodle works too. Also, Ann Torrusio is Gerth outside the building and I’m sure she has been infected. I wasn’t asked sopretty it honestly DO NOT could have been mine. LET HER IN. DON’T TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD. AHHHHHH!

Bird Box? I don’t think I’ve heard of it. But, I have heard of email inbox…….hahaha! Students have Sammy Jacobs been sending me so many emails lately…..you really wouldn’t Uhhh. Not mine? believe it……….maybe I need to get myself one of these bird boxes to help with all these emails….. I bet it’s cheaper than a new iPhone……ha!! Sent from my Dan iPhone

yes i did run out of content to put here on the second page thank you for noticing. asshole

Geri Friedline Reading a Review of Bird Box from Rotten Tomatoes

“This post-apocalyptic thriller with supernatural overtones has a clever premise as in the legend of Medusa, death visits anyone who looks upon the source of evil. But the potential is squandered.”

why is this blank? submit to brain stew or Ann Torrusio else this could be the What the hell is wrong with you people? Can somebody just let me whole issue. into the damn building???? It’s fucking cold outside.

hey if you’re reading this this means your looking too closely so you better stop don’t want to hurt yourself haha you better stop. if you can read this email dan and he will give you some free shit. he’s the equivalent of that dope ass teacher in 1st grade who had the treasure chest. he doesn’t know that this is here and probably can’t read it because he’s old but if you email him make the subject line “no i’m dan gerth” and he will know exactly what to do.


TWO and TRUTHS a

LIE

Think you know the honors college faculty? Try again. Read these

statements and try to pick out which one is the lie. Good luck peasant.

JEN:

1. At some point between age 5-10, I became angry with my neighbor and tossed small pebbles into their pool from my treehouse overlooking said pool. 2. I drank palm wine from North Korea and as a result was violently ill for an entire day. I blame the fact that I mocked their rocket program earlier that afternoon. 3. While interning as a dental assistant, I was bitten by a 13 year old. Additionally, he didn't floss very well.

DAN:

1. Nine years ago, I pooped my pants while at the Ladue Crossing Schnucks, which is the one at 170/Delmar, near my old apartment (not sure what’s it called now, but it was Villages of Wyncrest then). (Please do not start calling me Mr. Creamy Shits). 2. In college, I was once fired from four different campus jobs all on the same day. (Mail clerk, security desk, conference assistant, and administrative assistant). 3. I spent 23 consecutive years in Catholic school: Sunday school, K-8, high school, college, and then four years as a high school teacher.

CHRISTOPH:

1. I worked as a dj in high school and college, playing mostly 90s era eurodance and techno. 2. My favorite sport in high school was ballroom dancing. 3. My 4th grade teacher in Germany said I was not high school material.

KATE:

1. My senior year of high school, I was so obnoxiously involved I had more pictures in the yearbook than anyone else in my school. 2. Growing up, at different points, I had not one but TWO goats as a pet. 3. My family is one of THOSE “Disney families” and have been to Disneyworld almost every year for most of my life.

NANCY:

1. Sent from my iPhone. 2. Sent from my iPhone. 3. Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S8. poetry corner

Big Butts I like big butts and I cannot lie No other brother can deny For a great low rate you could get online Go to the General save some time Roses Roses are red, Violets are blue It don’t always be like that, but sometimes it do ProHo I wanted a grilled cheese but it was 9pm and late night dining was over ---rupi kaur


The College Admissions Scandal: An Apology By Holly Pope Dear college community, As you have probably heard, the college admissions process has been tainted by bribery and fraud, including accusations made against athletic directors and coaches, historically the most noble and honest positions in higher education. We are all shocked and saddened by these recent events. As the admissions representative for the Pierre Laclede Honors College, I wanted to issue a formal apology for my role in this scandal. Simply put, it did not occur to me that I could monetize parts of the admissions process in order to help enrich myself, Dan, Ed, or the college. I have a PhD in sceince, not business. I will do better. With the help of my mentor, Rick Pitino, I propose the following matrix, with profits to be equally divided into offshore accounts (one each for me, Dan, and Ed) and the Honors College’s gift account. For sale A list of Dan’s opinions on various current events Write your own rec letter (we have letterhead from hundreds of high schools to choose from) Report your own ACT scores Report your own class rank Report your own class rank A list of the most important extracurricular activities to include on your application Conduct your own interview

Write your own interview questions Tell us which high school you “really” went to.

Extra scholarship funds

Sincerely,

Holly Pope, PhD Admissions Representative Pierre Laclede Honors College University of Missouri-St. Louis C107 Provincial House 314-516-7769

Price $69 per opinion $420 per rec letter $1000 for the composite score; $500 per sub-score section $100 for each point above 69% that you want $200 for each point you want taken off your actual class rank $69 per activity $5000

$100 per question

$5000

$250 for each $500 we scholarship you

Benefit Higher grades on writing samples Better rec letters, plus no need to convince us that we should treat a rec letter from your boss at Hardee’s as academically meaningful Higher ACT scores. Or don’t bother taking it at all Higher class rank (duh) Parents making you come to Honors? This solves that problem for you None. No one cares about these. Your guidance counselor is a liar No need to dress nice and make a trip to campus; plus we assume you’ll say nice things about yourself Can’t afford to interview yourself? No problem. This affordable option guarantees that your interviewer will ask you about your favorite Marvel film or other topic you like discussing Eliminates the stigma that comes with being homeschooled or attending some other school with no educational merit More scholarship funding. Don’t be fooled by the fact that you have to give us money; we give you more UMSL money in return. It’s what the mafia calls a kickback. It’s what Steve Stenger calls the standard business duties of the county executive


“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times April 12th , 2019

LATE EDITION TODAY: April Showers bring May Flowers so you better take a damn shower because you smell bad! COST: $4.20

Chancellor George is gettin’ out this b*tch! On Thursday, March 28th , Chancellor Thomas George announced that he would be retiring at the end of this year after serving 16 years as UMSL’s chancellor. More specifically, Chancellor George said that he “was tired of all this bullshit,” said he was mad that he can’t ever find parking on campus, and “is pissed off that ProHo doesn’t offer curly fries or toasted ravioli anymore.” It has been rumored that PLHC Ass. Dean Daniel Gerth may be stepping in as interim chancellor, although when asked to comment, Gerth said “Boo! I don’t want to be the chancellor! Responsibilities are for morons!”

The geese on campus are sexually frustrated and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Dean Ed delivers on long-awaited campaign promise with an edspresso machine for the Honors College “Would you guys just shut up about this espresso thing already?” says Dean Ed.

The geese of UMSL, desperate for mating partners, have decided to take out their anger on students walking past the MSC Lakes.

Above: Howard Schultz’s latest business venture, Edspresso. It’s similar to Starbucks, but instead of paying $7.34 for a “grande macchiato iced double shot whatever-the-hell,” you pay nothing for basic espresso in the Honors College kitchen.

During his campus interviews, Sanchez said that, if elected dean, he would replace the common room coffee machine with an upgraded, fancy espresso machine that students could use. He also mentioned a lot of other important things he was interested in doing as the dean, but we really latched onto this whole espresso machine thing because we have our priorities straight. Alas, Ed was selected as the dean, and we the students waited patiently for Ed to replace the crusty old common room pots with a beautiful, new machine that would allow us to make iced double shot lattes and caramel macchiatos from the comfort of Provincial House without ever having to worry about refilling an empty coffee pot. However, several months went by after Ed assumed office, and us students worried that Ed’s campaign promise was just that – a campaign promise. But then, one fateful day, Ed finally fulfilled his promise by stealing an espresso machine from an Alumni Trivia Night silent auction basket and placing it in the HC kitchen.

Honors professor Geri Friedline confuses “Juice Wrld” for “Jamba Juice” “Can I please just get a peach mango smoothie?” says Friedline.

Above: Maddie Woodham standing next to her research at the State Capitol. Her research is the first of its kind and will change the world as we know it.

Maddie Woodham presents groundbreaking research at Undergraduate Research Day at the State Capitol


Brain Stew Says… Your Guide to Understanding the News

Brain Stew is proud to bring you real news! Or at least as much of the news as you actually need. We read headlines and at least four sentences of an article that catches our eye. This saves you a lot of time, unless you don’t even read that much, which means you already stopped reading this feature. Activist investors put pressure on Build-A-Bear We were interested in this article because we do not think it’s right that jingoistic American children are undercutting the labor market in Southeast Asia by making their own toys – and for no salary! This also seems like a violation of the minimum wage laws. However, this article had nothing to do with that. It was about plummeting stock prices. Brain Stew says… we hope you go bankrupt, Build-A-Bear. If you can’t make a profit when your “employees” assemble toys at no wages, your business model is obviously broken. Technology from Amazon, Microsoft, and IBM has trouble differentiating dark-skinned women AI facial recognition software, particularly software created by Amazon and currently being sold to police departments, cannot tell black women apart very well. Error rates for darker-skinned women reached 34.7%. Error rates for white men were less than 1%. Microsoft and IBM have been responsive and attempting to fix their AI technology. Amazon has dismissed the studies. A similar study of computer vision systems that let self-driving cars “see” pedestrians also have a hard time seeing black women. Brain Stew says… we have no joke for this. It’s horrifying. You should read the whole article. Scientists to dig at Jurassic site in Wyoming this summer More than 100 scientists are coming to Wyoming this summer to dig for bones and fossils at an undisclosed location that is being touted as the “Jurassic Mile.” It was discovered a few years ago and appears to be a treasure trove of evidence to help understand the Jurassic age. Brain Stew says… won’t somebody think of the children? If we dig up all the dinosaurs, how will our descendants have enough oil to drive cars? Also, what kind of commie conspiracy is this? It’s like stealing money from Exxon! Libyan warlord battles toward airport On Saturday, a rebel group attacked Libya’s capital and is apparently attempting to take control of the airport. The Libyan government, supported by the United Nations, have mounted a counter-attack. On early Sunday morning, it was unclear exactly who controlled the airport. Brain Stew says… this is a really inefficient way to take control of an airport. We recommend calling Rex Sinquefield. He will provide millions of dollars to fund studies that result in recommendations that Libya simply sell you the airport at a bargain price. Plus, no one needs to die. Or at least not until you own the airport and start cutting costs in order to increase your profit margin. Social media firms fail to quarantine bogus vaccine claims Despite promises to the contrary, searches of Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram still primarily turn up bogus stories about vaccines, including the totally fraudulent claim that they cause autism. Pinterest, apparently the social media capital of anti-vaxxers, even tried to block all searches for the word “vaccine” in 2017, but a recent search resulted in “a sinister-looking illustration of a hand holding an enormous needle,” with the caption “Vaccine-nation: poisoning the population one shot at a time.” Brain Stew says… we have invented a new vaccine that protects people from vaccines! All it takes is a series of shots between birth and 15 months, and your child will be protected against the evil vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, polio, and a host of other vaccines. You don’t need to worry about the government coming to its senses and forcing you to have your children vaccinated. Also, the vaccine is made with an oil extracted from a piece of the true cross, so religious people need not worry. Pediatricians who deal with crazy parents should just call us to learn more. Heh, heh, heh, heh! All titles come directly from the April 7th edition of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Want to read more? It’s in Dan Gerth’s recycling bin, available for rummaging any time before next Wednesday, which is trash day in Bel-Nor. Help yourself!


WHAT THE F**K IS UP KYLE Summer is in 4 short weeks, can’t wait to see more Yeti butt pics on Old Row. I’ve been working on my glutes just for the sweet pic me and Chad have been planning to take together on top of my Yeti Tundra 65. Can’t wait for endless summer nights drinking Natural Light Naturdays and jamming out to classics like Thunderstruck and Take Me Home Country Road. How was spring break? Well what happens in Padre, stays in Padre brother. Sorry to disappoint. I got mad grandma action though, like she wouldn’t stop calling me and asking me if I had ate anything all day. All I kept saying was “Grandma, I’m in Padre.” When I got back she had some leftovers for me so who’s the real winner?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

GET DRESSED up to get MESSED UP. Skip almost every day of class like the rest of us idiots have? Don’t worry! For just 1 “u up?” text a month you can enlist your very own: Frat Rat. What does a frat rat do? - comes to every party, acting like she’s an active - sends you answers to the homework AND quizzes - gets mad at you for talking to other frat rats - creates an elaborate life plan with you in the center of it as her husband - doesn’t stop quoting vines. ever. - it’s FREE REAL ESTATE, give her the opportunity to buy a shirt with your letters on it and she’s yours (FOREVER). BUT WAIT THERE’s MORE: ---- order your personal frat rat and receive 2 MORE ANNOYING FRIENDS for the price of one. - Think she’s bad? She tells her friends everything about you. Get ready for your personal life to be exposed. Don’t wait, this amazing offer ends 4/20. Get DISCLAIMER: Fratty B and Fratty B INC is not responsible for any injuries or threats said Frat Rat might issue. If there is something wrong with your Frat Rat, please do not send it back. We have too many on our hands at the moment and all they do is quote vines and drink Whiteclaw so like if you’re done with one just do us all the favor and try to convince them to either study abroad or go on one of those dumbass mission trips so we don’t have to see them ever again.


Additional Opening for Brain Stew Editor as Sammy Jacobs Does Not Return From Spring Break “F***, F***, F***! I have to replace two idiots now? She’d better be in jail,” says Dan

“She is definitely in jail,” said Tony Deluvia, now the only returning editor next year. “Or maybe she’s out now, but she’s married to some guy named Brock. Or maybe Chaz. Or is it Tripp? I can’t remember the name for sure. Either way, she’s fucking gone.” Who could have imagined that a trip to South Padre Island with 30+ fraternity and sorority members jammed into two houses could have gone so wrong? “But it feels so right!” said Sammy when she called Nicole from the Chapel by the Sea, shortly before tying the knot with Chet Manley. Brain Stew was able to reach Chaplain Steele, who performed the ceremony. “It was a lovely, tasteful ceremony, including sand, unity candle, Bible, and lasso. You should call me to plan your wedding! 956-7615636. Or just stop by on your special day.” But jail was apparently in the cards too, as Sammy and Chet were arrested the next day for possession with intent to distribute. “That intent charge is bullshit. I mean, maybe we were going to sell, but how can you prove that intent shit? How can you know that the drugs weren’t just for us?” asked Sammy. Apparently Sammy’s husband figured out a way to tamper with some Juuls and load them with liquidized bath salts. “I’m like an entrepreneur, bro! This shit was mad creative. I should get like an honorary business degree for this shit. Or at least change that F that I got in Marketing 101 to a D so I can get my associate’s degree! This war on drugs is bullshit! And real fucking racist” said Chet, who is very, very white. Very white. Although he claims to be part Native American. “I don’t know if they made bail,” said Nicole. “She called to ask for money, but well… you know…” Dan could not stop yelling. “I have to take Monica ‘I wrote 9 sentences this semester, give me a job’ Holtmeyer to replace Nicole and now I have to find someone else too!” Later, after calming down, Dan said that he would help Sammy. “If she’s pregnant, yes, I’ll send her money to deal with that. No one named Chet needs to be bringing children into this world. And yeah, I’d probably try a Juul filled with bath salts, but that doesn’t mean I’m not pissed about this. Boo!”

Sammy, ravaged and aged by bath salts, booking photo, SPI-PD Jail Division photo

Chet, wedding photo, Chapel by the Sea

Chaplain Sam Steele, Chapel by the Sea


Team Cat Prepares for Earth Day by Recycling Dogs On March 17, 2019, better known as St. Gertrude’s Day, the celebration day for the patron saint of cats, Team Cat was pleased to receive emails from the St. Louis-Jefferson Solid Waste Management District and Keep America Beautiful Inc., announcing that their grant application for a new recycling initiative had been accepted. Starting on April 22, Earth Day, single stream recycling at UMSL will now accept dogs. “This is huge,” remarked Dr. Holly Pope, chief writer of the grant proposal. “Dogs are a major pollutant. I have a PhD in science, so I know things like this.” Dr. Pope even broke into song: “I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.” Team Cat captain Dan Gerth, seen below wearing his official captain’s sash, immediately began shoving dogs into recycling bins. “I know it’s not Earth Day yet, but UMSL probably won’t empty these until the 2020 Earth Day, so we might as well start now,” said Captain Gerth. “There’s only one Earth, or says the government, so we might as well start taking care of it.”

St. Gertrude, patron saint of cats **NO DOGS WERE HARMED IN THE CREATION OF THIS ARTICLE! Seriously, this dog likes Dan very much and enjoyed playing illegally in the Provincial House computer lab. She’s a very impressive dog. She is totally deaf and knows sign language, only responding to hand signals. Not a joke! Also, don’t tell Res Life about us sneaking dogs into the building. But if you have a dog allergy, you might want to use a different computer lab for a week or so.**


How useless is the UMSL ID?

I take public transportation and have noticed when going by SLU and WashU, their students use their student ID’s as Metro Bus and Train passes. I would guess that those student ID’s also have the student numbers on them. Why don’t UMSL’s ID’s work this way? I understand that my UMSL ID can be used at the on-campus food vendors and in the bookstore to access my accounts and make payments, but that seems to be the only use for that identification card. Other schools have systems set up so that their identification cards can be used at local stores as well to make purchases. I know there’s not much around the

UMSL campus, but it seems like these same type of relationships could be set up between nearby food and retail shops for UMSL students. Also, why doesn’t the ID function as the Metro pass? Why do we have a separate, paper pass that is easily lost or damaged? If the other schools and companies like AT&T can set this up, why can’t UMSL? Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, why is my student number not on my student ID? I already have about a million passwords and login ID’s that I have to remember. I don’t need another random number to memorize that easily be put on

by MANIC MIKE

the ID card. This is just dumb. So, UMSL, let’s join the modern world and make the student ID card an actual useful tool. It can’t be that hard.

Since this is the last issue of Brain Stew that comes out before Avengers: Endgame, I decided to officially put my predictions on paper and share them with you! So, without further ado, here are my predictions: 1. I am going to cry at least 3 times. 2. Steve and Tony are going to die. 3. I am going to fall more in love with Carol Danvers. 4. Scott Lang is going to steal the show. 5. Nebula will have her moment with Thanos like Gamora did before the soul stone thing happened. 6. Loki will come back and be alive. (please let this be true) 7. More Hulk and Brunnhilde (Valkyrie) moments. 8. Space Adventures!!!! 9. The final fight is going to be brutal and horrible and will probably make me cry 10. When Stan Lee comes onto the screen, it will break my heart and make me happy at the same time. 11. Clint will have an amazing entrance. 12. Natasha will be a badass the whole time and I will be incredibly happy when her hair goes back to red. 13. I will not see ending coming. I cannot confirm that these things happen in the movie, except for me crying, but I sure hope they happen! Endgame will be amazing, and you don’t have to worry about spoilers because I will not talk about the movie in Brain Stew, so everyone has a chance to see it!


Brain Stew Supports Tim Apple! On March 6, President Trump referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as “Tim Apple.” Later, he claimed not to have made a mistake but rather to have combined Mr. Cook’s name with the name of the company in order to “save time.” While most media outlets reacted with laughter, Brain Stew believes that this was an excellent idea. We are proud to introduce to you our first installment of time-saving new names that will free up time to help you balance work, school, family, and other obligations. Original name Chancellor Tom George Dean Edward Munn Sanchez

New time-saving name Tom UMSL D-Munn

Associate Dean Dan Gerth Associate Dean Emerita Nancy Gleason Admissions Rep Holly Pope

Ass Dan Lime-a-rita

Advisor Jennifer Richardson

J-Wow

Villa North peer mentor Maddie Woodham

Ma Ham

PLHCSA president Madison Koogler Associate Teaching Professor Geri Friedline

Moogler

Ho-Po

Fried Chicken

Brain Stew editors Tony Deluvia Tammy and Sammy Jacobs

Assistant Teaching Professor Ann Torrusio

Assistant Teaching Professor Ann Torrusio

Brain Stew says… We could be president someday too! Pronounced like demon, but spelled differently. This one pretty much wrote itself. We don’t know what eme-rita means. This is not degrading or sexist, as if you read BS, you’ll know that word is now spelled “hoe,” as per Bernie Sanders’ request. Sort of like the Jersey Shore character but with one less W, which saves even more time. Brain Stew supports moms and ham. Ma Ham is clearly the peer mentor who embodies the best qualities of both. This narrowly defeated “The Moog.” This only saves one syllable, but Dan just noticed that her last name starts with “Fried” and insisted this be the nickname. Why waste time saying both names? Now they are one person, sort of like those twins in Lord of the Flies, if you read books in high school, which you probably did not. Don’t fuck with her. We’re not that stupid.

Brain Stew contest! You name the rest. Send your answers to brainstew@umsl.edu. You could win a $15 Barnes and Noble gift card. Original name Administrative Associate Sherry Gerrein Assistant Teaching Professor Kate Votaw Teaching Professor Kim Baldus Associate Teaching Professor Christoph Schiessl ??? ???

New time-saving name

You say…


US -

AT THE MOVIES

Well I decided to give the very much anticipated movie directed by the great Jordan Peele a watch. One thing about him that I can not believe is that he was also the guy responsible for all of the legendary Key and Peele episodes and he then he just dived head first into the deep end of the horror/suspense genre. Like this guy came up with the name Hingle McCringleberry and now he writes and directs horror movies. It’s just crazy. Anyway this movie creeped me out. It wasn’t really scary like some of the traditional horror movies like Conjuring or movies like that. It just had a lot of disturbing and creepy imagery that left you feeling kinda uncomfortable. Now I will say fairly that I do in fact have a membership to Weenie Hut Jr., so take everything I say about horror movies with a grain of salt. The

TRIPLE FRONTIER-

by ZACH WEBER

movie has a couple of twists in the movie that kinda make you regret all the feelings you had about the movie leading up to a certain point. I would love to elaborate more about the movie but I have actually typed out some stuff and then realized I had completely ruined the movie so I am just going to have to call it quits on this review before I ruin it. I'm not trying to be that guy that ruins a great movie. 9.6/10 spoopies

BIG SICK (Zach sitting in his chair trying not to show that he is freaking out)

If you don't have a Netflix account I apologize because I am almost 69% sure that this movie is only available on Netflix. This movie is outstanding. If you don’t like seeing blood and and people getting shot at then this may be the worst possible movie for you to watch. This movie is full of not stop action from the very start of the movie to the very end. It also brings up topics about what exactly veterans are supposed to do with their skills after they retire. Which is a topic not a lot of people like to talk about. One thing that this movie also has is a bunch of extremely recognizable actors. This is something that you usually don't see in Netflix original movies. Which in terms makes the movie intrinsically better. But be prepared for this movie to pull at your heartstrings because it’s rather emotional. 7.6/10 uncomfortable conversations

This movie is too good for me to try and review. Stop what you're doing and watch it now. Im serious if I find out that you read this and did not immediately watch the movie I will find you and I will end you. JK im just joking calm down. Or am I? 420/69 Would highly recommend.


What’s Xanny pissed off about this week? - mission trips.

like why the fuck you gotta go to a third-world country and leverage them into believing into your religion. Like yes Janice, they’re going to pray and act like they give a shit about your religion because YOU HAVE WATER AND FOOD TO OFFER THEM. These are not puppies you can just train, these are human FUCKING beings. Also what is the motive for you going--- Instagram clout? Basically. I don’t understand how any person my age can go on a mission trip and feel like a better person afterwards. Obviously there are trips that are focused on restoring and helping these individuals out, but the motive behind the people who go on these trips is what fucks me up. If you’re going there to teach your religion or for your instagram clout, that’s messed up man. So if you find yourself trying to go on a mission trip to exchange bible verses and prayer time for food and water, try not to go chief.

Freshman Sass

First thing’s first. I hate the dentist. Always have, always will. I was just growing content with my new dentist until she told me I needed to get my wisdom teeth removed. It’s not like I haven’t heard that same line for the past two years. I’m sorry ma’am is your pay check not big enough? I’m in college. I’m not here to fund your five-yearold’s trip to Disney World. I’m here to cry about my debt while professor’s throw homework down my throat. The moral of the story is that I got my wisdom teeth removed this weekend. Lemme tell you that shit hurt. Everyone was really funny about it too. The week before I got a lot of comments

like, “Take a video of you on drugs afterwards. It will be sooo funny.” First of all, since when is my pain funny. Second of all, I wasn’t funny afterwards. Quite honestly, I was bitchy, dizzy, and sleepy. I opened my eyes, instantly felt the pain, and looked up at the surgeon with the most annoyed look on my face. And the pain didn’t go away either. There was a pain in my mouth, a hole in my bank account, and they still want me to get braces. And this has been the story of why I hate dentists, orthodontists, and whatever else those assholes want to call themselves.


Profile for Pierre Laclede Honors College

Brain Stew '18 / 19' - Issue #13  

Brain Stew '18 / 19' - Issue #13  

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