Hello everyone, my name's Kane .. NO not the naughty kind of Kane…I did some of that earlier
As you can see I have made an effort for you today. I’m wearing my lovely green twat suit… erm i man tracksuit. So just in case you haven't noticed already I have a speech impediment.
And I might as well spit it out, I'm autistic, so if you don’t find me funny…. You hate disabled people.
Anyway I’ll tell you a little bit more about me I come from a place called Harperhey, have you heard of it? Shit hole.
I've lived there my whole life. It costs a lot of money to live in a shit hole nowadays.
Cost of living has shot up. Even the rats are queuing up at the food bank.
Lots of angry people around Harperhey nowadays, people can't afford their cigarettes
The people of Harperhey are a bit like pirates, they've got big beards cause they can't afford a shaver. And the walk round scanning the floor for treasure. OOh look 10p! Arrrghhh me treasure! Finally making some money from me stand up! Arrghhhh.
Sorry i got carried away then, enough about pirates and back to the cost of living.
Who loves a good bargain? We all need a good bargain at the moment don’t we ?
Tell you where you can have a good bargain meal
Tops! You heard of tops ? If you don’t know Tops it’s an all you can eat buffet in manchester.
And there is a special offer on a Tuesday called Tops tuesday; the rule is you can’t wear your pants! Tops only! (Pause for laughter) Well thats what i thought ( Pause) Until the PoPo took me away. No such things as a free meal nowadays but at least i got a free bed for the night... I’d give it two stars on Air bnb.
Going back to tops. It's a buffet. And you know at a buffet there's always that one person who's eating all the good food before you get to it.
Oop, that's me.
When I was at tops the other week, before I got kicked out obviously. I came across a Karen. Do you know what I mean when I say Karen?
I bet you're a bit of a Karen aren't ya?
When I say Karen I mean someone who loves to complain. This Karen was going berserk because she got four ice cubes instead of six. It's alright love it's not that hot in here, where do you think you are karen-beean?
I swear even if they were on holiday at a five star luxury holiday they'd still find something to moan about.
Whereas me, I'm alright with my two star police cell. You can't be fussy if you're from Harperhey.
Innit funny that we call women who like to complain Karens.
But what about men who like to complain?
Men don't don't get a special name.
Women get all the glory!
Sexism now a days…
What about Derek's have you ever met a Derek? Miserable bastards. You always find a Derek sat at the end of the bar alone, counting their
charge out to buy their pint of ale. Cheap bastards. Must be from Harperhey.
No offence to my gramps he's called Derek.. but he did inspire this joke.
Joking apart, my grandad is a big inspiration to me, he's one of the funniest guys you'll ever meet. He's got his own teeth, he's got his hair, he's got his eyesight still and he's never smoked. But he said to me the other day that one day he will smoke. I said what do you mean grandad?
And he said well one day they will put me on a low bake at the crematorium. He told me to tell them to make sure they put him on a low light while he finishes his pint.
And all the Derek's in the land will raise their pints in tribute.