Preface
The fanbases of 31 teams cried out in adjuration this week as the Queefs finally suffered a loss to the Bills. Ben & Callum meanwhile cried out for pissing away an opportunity to solidify playoff aspirations, and I groaned with the anticipated predicting of who the fuck is actually getting in.
The scoring on a week to week basis remains elusive as ever, as does Jets front office decisions. Let’s get to the News.
News & Notes
● Over the past decade, the Bears have fired every head coach the same year they draft a QB with the 1st overall pick. Happened in 2017 with Trubisky, in 2021 with Justin Fields.
● Eberflus, the current HC, does not exactly have a great record and they already fired their OC.
● The Jags have the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever, as being the first team since 1967, to have the no1 overall pick 3x times in 5 years
● Since 2008, the Ravens & Steelers have faced each other 35x times and in that period, 27x of the games have been determined within one score, the most out of any head-head rivalry
● Doug Pederson of the Jags is on the hot seat, having achieved nothing but significant defeats since taking the job as HC
● Derp Master Daniel Jones has been formerly benched, with mobster Danny DeVito taking the starting job, and Drew Lock remaining as the 2nd QB
● Giants are likely to be replacing Devito next week, as they can pay Drew Lock less by starting him in week 13 based on contract structure, and DeVito they already know is shit
News & Notes
● It wouldn’t be 2024 if we didn’t have to mention the idiocracy of the Jets for yet another week. In the wake of a 1pt loss to the Colts, Jets owner has now fired his General Manager, and has asked interim coaches if they can bench Rodgers. The supply of Scape Goats is getting thin…
● This weeks matchup was particularly grim, with the Jets unable to get a 1st down until the 2nd quarter, on their 5th drive
● Winning % of recent Jets Qbs:
● Zach Wilson – 0.364
● Sam Darnold – 0.342
● Aaron Rodgers – 0.273
● Much like their season, the Cowboys AT&T Stadium is literally falling apart, with a part of the roof falling and nearly wounding several workers
● Formerly introducing the D.A.L.L.A.S System for fans
● Declare ‘It’s our year’
● Abandon all reason
● Learn nothing from the previous season
● Lose Dak to injury
● Achieve Fuck All
● Stop watching football
● Justin Tucker is officially, no longer the most accurate kicker in NFL history
● This ironically comes with kickers making more long distances kicks of 60+ yards
● Too soon Callum?
Injuries
Darnell Mooney suffered pulled hammies, day to day
Alexander Mattison injured his ankle, day to day
Zamir White injured his quad, day to day
Wait, that’s all as far as injuries to point scorers go?
Bless the Gods!
Hospital of Salt Playoffs
I can’t say I’m used to this, but by mathematical deduction, I have formerly secured the first playoff spot as of week 11, and hereby declare myself the prominent contender for a repeated championship!
3x Spots Remain. And with 6x of you currently with a negative record, you all make me sick (not you Shiv, kudos to claiming 2nd currently).
So, this is going to be a bit of a shit show in terms of trying to predict who else gets in…. Let’s give it a try then….
Based on my model, starting with the easiest, Shiv realistically only needs to win 2 more games with tiebreakers to secure a playoff spot. Shiv can also get in with 1 win + tie breakers in a series of matchup results equivalent to 6.24% occurring. I am not going to bother typing the variations here.
For Will & Jamie Snr currently sitting at 4-7: Either of you can win out, as neither of you face each other in the next 4 weeks. You would also need tie breakers.
If you drop one game, then:
● You need 2x of either Ben, Jamie, Callum & Scot to only win 1 of their next 4x games
● This mathematically also insists that 2x of either Ben, Jamie, Callum & Scot winning only 2 of their next 4 games
● You also would need to win your tie breakers, sitting at 7-8, alongside 2x of either Ben, Jamie, Scot & Callum
● You are essentially screwed
Then the shit stain which is dealing with the 5-6 group. It isn’t possible for all of you to win out, as Ben & Callum face each other in Week 13. Scot & Jamie meanwhile face each other also week 13. Seems like a pretty crucial milestone then….
Here’s what you need to do boys. You need at least 2 wins + tie breakers, with the other 3x obtaining less than 3x wins also, and for neither Jamie Snr or Will obtaining 4 wins. If you lose this week, then the chances of getting into the playoffs with a loss in week 13 becomes as probable as me resisting day drinking.
Week 10 Matchups
It’s always disconcerting when you go to bed with nice thoughts and a 70pt lead, only to wake up with an equivalent gun shot in the pillow adjacent. Tight ends Kelce & Kraft both did sweet fuck all this week, and the Ravens receiving corp played like retards, either unable to catch wide open passes or fumbling the ball away. Sun God & Jamaar Chase at the very least shone through to combine for over 60 pts, meanwhile Breece finally had a redemption 31 pt game once Rodgers realised he can’t throw for shit. Boswell might as well be a wide receiver at this point, notching 24 pts himself, and Kupp managed to eck in 2 tiddies also for a solid 28pt game.
Once more a valiant effort, and your team has come significantly far since recent years, if not in wins but based purely on the points your putting up! Higgins came back from injury and proceeded to haul in most of his targets and a tiddy, with burrow again having his 3rd blow up week in a row. Both Achane & Gibbs had solid games of 20+pts each, as did Njigba surprisingly against what was supposed to be an awful matchup versus the 49ers. Jayden Reed continues to frustrate though, as although the best receiver for the Packers, does not get nearly as many targets as he should. Mooney going out with injury was an unfortunate loss, even with Dissly your backup backup tight end having a surprising 18 pt game. Good luck down the stretch!
Suck My Penix
205.74pts
5-6
Hurts Me Bijan
199.62 pts
5-6
Doink…. Guys, what are you doing? This is American football, not European football, why are you deciding your match based on who has the best kicker?
The winning streak is just as well, because Suck My Penix is unable to win games with inducing heart palpitations. Of course the QB you obtained in a totally not questionable trade put up 27 pts, with Herbert doing his best Josh Allen impression. Henry the useless git got what he deserved for fumbling the ball, 10 pts, although Barkley had another great game, by stealing most of the touchdowns Callum wanted Hurts to get. Wilson has a feckless Rodgers throwing to him so couldn’t do much against a mediocre Colts D, and Hockenson couldn’t do anything this time around as Darnold continues to relapse. Jonnu Smith had a bizarre 28 pts game, and Montgomery continues to get most of his weekly points on touchdowns. Guess I’ll see you in the playoffs then.
I smell frustration and despair from Hurts Me Bijan, whom pissed away an opportunity to win by once again choosing the wrong QB for the job, with Goff cruising for a lovely 42pts on the bench. Story of this match has to be Taysom Hill though, as only he can put up completions, interceptions, receptions, carries, touchdowns fumbles and fumbles lost, all in one game! Bijan unfortunately failed you as the Falcons were ass blasted by the Broncos all game. Juan Jennings had his usual good game when Kittle is out, meanwhile Puka avoided significant injury, and put up a very respectable 25 pt game also. Vikings defence was the last happiness the squad brought, as Aaron Jones met a brick wall against the Titans, and the Texans sealed the deal with a flag on an Aubrey 64 yard FG kick….
Week 10 Matchups
Leeroy Jenkins
167.12 pts
4-7
There was an attempt by your team Will to win the game, and you were pretty close to achieving this until Monday night. Purdy did well enough as Mayfield was on bye, and Gibbs was efficient enough on the ground, this time not catching as many passes as he usually does. Admittedly, I did not think I’d see the day where Jeudy became fantasy relevant again, somehow going for a bewildering 26 pts, and downs continued to shine as the main receiver for the Colts with 23 pts against a Jets D that’s starting to look like swiss cheese. You’ll forgive me being glad Hopkins couldn’t get anything going against the Bills, but the Queefs loss had priority. Pitts is just an enigma at this point, putting up yet another stinker of 1pt.
Coming out of a 3 game losing streak, Shiv benefits from the ineptitude of the rest of you by nipping into 2nd place. If it wasn’t for Mixon robbing Ben of all touchdowns to CJ Stroud, and the Cowboys getting shredded by the Texans D, this would have been a quite different outcome. Josh Allen rescued his fantasy day with a 20 yard rushing tiddy to end his game, and Djoku put up decent points for a TE as well against the Saints. Honestly don’t understand how you get to 190+ pts, as the rest of your team were either mediocre or horrible, with Smith going down with injury, and Scary Terry putting up a meager 2 pts. Tank Dell also couldn’t get much going either (thanks for ignoring the trade request btw…), putting up only 9pts himself. Ladd continues to thrive with Herbert, although it boggles my mind that you would trade Herbert away for a vegetable when you could have paired the 2x easily and gone into next year with a fantastic QB duo. Now you have Josh Allen and a vegetable...
My how Maybe Nix Years team has fallen. 3 game losing streak and barely scraping past 110 pts. It’s not even injuries at this point as Nico came back to the roster, and CD was fit to play. Just really really not your year. CJ did sweet f all against Cowboys, as did the aforementioned Nico, barely scrapping 20 pts together. JJ meanwhile hasn’t had a decent game in a while now. Tillman meanwhile barely saw any targets and Kunt got steamrolled behind the line of scrimmage often against the Bills D. Your O linemen playing as tight ends did barely more than my own, unable to combine for 10pts. Honestly, this next week is a must win for you.
With the North Korean soliders apparently fapping to their hearts content, they rise once more and finally put up some points. Mahommes miraculously puts up 21 pts, despite throwing 2 interceptions and less than 200 yards (wait what, htf does that work out!?) and Brock Bowers went nuclear, going for 31 pts and breaking every rookie TE record there is. Hill played through injury and managed to put up a respectable 19pts, as did James Cook. Which the same could have been said for Zay Flowers whom was a useless git against the Steroid Curtain defence. Deebo had a pretty crap game as well, going for 6pts, and at this point you have to wonder if his days of putting up 27 pts every week is behind him now. Main thing is you’re at least back in the hunt for playoff contention, just hope your team plays a bit better and consistently, otherwise you don’t have a chance to win tiebreakers.
Rankings
Hospital of Salt
Hurts Me Bijan, Suck My Penix, #FreeDeeboSamuel
LeeerrrrooooyyyyJennnnnkkkkkiiiiiinnnnssss Sofa King Burrows TF is a Waiver Wire? Maybe Nix Year