Preface
God fucking dammit! The Gods had to utterly ruin my ongoing meme story by taking CMC away from me as he looked on perfect form to start his match against the Packers. Script writer has other ideas evidently as I would have thought CMC dying in the playoffs would have been a far more iconic moment, but never mind.
Plenty of other injuries to go around, as well as some interesting playoff picture scenarios. Getting nice and spicy for the remaining 3x spots but lets be realistic, there’s only 2x spots remaining for 4 of you (you know how you are).
I know you’ve all been dying from the weekly newsletter withdrawal, so let’s get into it.
News & Notes
● Eberflus, HC for the Bears, was fired this week as I predicted a couple of weeks ago, albeit this is the first in NFL history that the Bears ownership have gotten rid of their HC mid-season. And he thought he was safe and playing 49ers this week (lol).
● If you have had the misfortune of missing what led to the firing, close this newsletter immediatley and youtube Bears Lions ending. Perhaps the funniest laugh you’ll have had in the last month easy.
● There is some good news for the Bears. Caleb is the first rookie QB in history to go 6 consecutive games without an interception, since 1950. The bad news for the Bears is that they are also the first team to lose 6 consecutive games without throwing an interception
● Ravens are suspending Diontae Johnson, whom they traded for and haven’t played for the past month, for this coming game, because he refused to play the last game….. Eh?
● Speculation continues to grow on Aaron Rodgers chances of being permitted to rejoin the New York Jets in 2025 after another prolapse against the Hawks on Sunday
● Just complete your Brett Farve journey already by joining the Vikings and promptly retiring to join Kennedy Jr’s medical sceptic club in the White House
● Both Jones and DeVito have been benched by the Giants, and so another of my predictions comes to pass, with Drew Lock now starting for the Giants, whom won’t need to pay Lock as much if he started sooner.
● Ancient Veteran Steelers TE Eric Ebron has announced his retirement from the NFL
News & Notes
● Arthur Smith is now considered to be the lead candidate for the Jets HC job in 2025, as the Steelers offense continues to chime this year
● Just because he’s good at offense, doesn’t make him a good HC though….
● In the last month, CJ Stroud ranks as the QB33 in fantasy football. There are 32 teams…..
● Jerry Jeudy of all players now has more 40+ point games than Justin Jefferson has had in his career of similar duration, as his breakout year continues with pick six Winston
● The Falcons are now seemingly prepared to move onto Michael Penix as the promise of Kirk Cousins continues to dim following his 4x interception game against the Chargers
● Texans have decided to sign their ACL injured TE Brevin Jordan to a 1 year extension through the end of 2025.
● Westbrook-Hines currently sits on the year with 20 catches, and 8 touchdowns, being present on the field for 100% offensive snaps. Ben, it’s do or die at this point….
● Brock Bowers now leads the NFL in catches at 84, ahead of Chase & Lamb at 79. Bowers is also 4th in receiving yards, only behind Chase, Jefferson & McLaurin
● Tyreek Hill has had more children this year (5) than touchdowns (4)
Injuries
CMC gets a lovely PCL strain to put him out for 6 weeks, effectively ending his season. Thank fuck it wasn’t a re-injury to his achilles at least. Wait a minute. Fuck. I said no solid turf could kill him. It was a snow game!!!!!!
Jordan Mason his backup, then was placed promptly on IR as well with a high ankle sprain. I’m not allowed nice things apparently.
Taysom Hill tore his ACL again and is out for the season. Given his age, this may be the last time we see him...
Trevor Lawrence placed on IR after sufferring a lovely concussion and re-injury to his shoulder which will likely require surgery.
Dallas Goedert is now week to week after injuring his knee
Harbaugh Taking Justin Tucker out the back
Kudos to the efforts of Leeroy Jenkins & Sofa King Burrow this year for their persistence and efforts on making it this far. I’m certain we can all agree they gave more headaches than anticipated, and certainly more points. Both teams look poised to continue to grow in 2025, but for now, you are both formerly eliminated from playoff contention.
Hold on a minute… I’ve had to re-type this after doing the math and scenarios on my spreadsheet.
Hilariously, with 2 weeks left, neither are eliminated. Ffs. Let me explain on the next page.
Shiv sitting at 8-5, 1 win will secure you the no2 seed as well as a playoff win. At minimum, you could lose out and still get in with tie breakers of the competing 4th place team.
Callum, at 7-6 you need at least 1 more win + tiebreakers to get into the playoffs. You’re also up against Shiv this week, so this match is more vital for you than her.
Ben, Jamie, Scot, sitting at 6-7 each, there is now no longer a world where all of you get in, as a result of the matchup between Callum & Shiv. If Shiv wins, Callum remains at 7 wins but the no2 seed and 1 of the 3 playoff spots is clinched, so 2 spots would remain. If Callum wins, both he and Shiv would have 8 wins, so the no2 and no3 spots are nearly sealed there.
The plus side is that you no longer play each other the rest of the season, but the rest of the league can play spoiler. So, as a thought experiment, let us assume that those already eliminated win out, as your worst case scenario. In such a cirumstance, you would all lose 1 at least 1 game each. Hang on...
So this leads me to arrive back to typing out this section. The funny thing is. If Will & Jamie Snr win out. And Ben, Jamie, Scot lose out. You’re all 6-9. And it is then a 5 way battle for tiebreakers to see who has the most fucking points for!
Anyway, Will, Jamie Snr, you both need miracles. Ben, Jamie, Scot, you need the other 2 to lose at least 1 game, whilst winning at least 1 game yourself plus tiebreakers for a chance to get in. This would arrive with 2 of you having a 7-8 record and whomever has the most points scored for wins.
Week 13 Matchups
Hospital of Salt
175.38 pts
11-2
Leeroy Jenkins
163.82 pts
4-9
The curling of a monkey paw finger. Claim revenge against an upstart, in exchange for losing CMC as he started to cook and looked legitimately healthy. Other notable wet farts included Kupp and kittle that couldn’t combine for 10 measley points. Lamaar was the garbage man of the day scoring 10 points in the final 40 seconds of playing time with a pointless 40 yard run and passing TD. Steelers D looked utterly abysmal again, although somehow miraculously clawed their way back to a stellar 26pt game. Chase continues to have a productive year with another 20pt game, although the rest of my team did mediocre at best. Not thrilled with my team down the stretch tbh….
Be honest, were you deliberately trying to tank? It’s the only reason I can surmise as to why you would play the likes of Vele over Hopkins, and Jeudy, even with the bad matchup, put up a stinker of 40pts on your bench. Baker hasn’t been playing great since his early-mid season bloom, and Gibbs this game didn’t get much going either against a great Vikings Run defence. Najee Harris, Irving & Thielan (of all people) went banannas though, all scoring more than 20 points, which at least compensated somewhat for another dud 0 pt game from Pitts, and a pitiful 7pt game from Shakir in a blowout against the 49ers. Tucker did okay as well with 9pts, despite having his worst year in his illustrious career. You still have a chance, but it’s short of a foregone conclusion now you’re looking to 2025.
Suck My Penix
And once more, your chances of a playoff push are in peril, as similarly to Henry, you ran into a brick wall repeatedly that was the no1 scorer of the week. Herbert indeed was inconsistent, this week posting a lovely dud of 7pts as the Chargers D seemed to do most of the work against the Falcons, and Wilson. You have to feel sorry for him at this point his QB is Rodgers, as he can’t do shit even with 10 targets if half are over thrown. Rest of your RB committee though did their best though, all scoring shy of 20 points, and Nabers finally had a relatively good game without Daniel Jones throwing to him. Jonnu Smith seems to be the steal of free agency this year, netting another 20 pt game. I also see you’ve picked up the Hawks D, whom only have a good matchup on SB weekend. Don’t count your blessings in advance….
Conglatulations on saving your fantasy season from the brink of defeat, as the playoff picture would have been significantly different otherwise! The Chargers D of course ass blasted Kirk Cousins for 28 pts, and Bowers once again posted a ridiculous 30 pt game, and is on track to be thee highest point scorer on the year. Chase can’t even keep up with this production. Terrifyingly, DJ Moore could have had an even bigger game than 23 pts with his 16 targets, meanwhile Hill and Samuel dregged their aging bodies to relevance once more, both scoring more than 20 pts. Please tell Zay Flowers to start catching passes, I need him and the rest of the relatively useless Ravens receiving core to be functional for the playoffs...
Week 13 Matchups
4-9
All in on Allen
196.24 pts
8-5
Naturally of course you had to be up against the 2nd highest scorer of the week in another unfortunate loss. The only dud on your team was Dissly who netted 0 pts. I have no clue as to why you would start him over Frieurmuth though, so perhaps this loss is deserved. With that said, there were no standouts amongst your team as most had good games, with the likes of Burrow, Achane, Jacobs and Evans all scoring more than 20 pts. Even Higgins and Reed posted near 20 pts! You might be starting to see now why your son wanted rid of Waddle in exchange for Nabers. Keep your fingers crossed the others lose and your team plays better and consistently down the stretch.
A solid win and near locks Shiv into a playoff berth in her first year! Allen did not have to do much, only throwing 17 times but the sheer inability of skeleton crew of the 49ers D in the snow was enough for him to be wildly efficient. As Ben can attest, his Broncos are shit against tight ends, with Djoku putting up a whopping 26 pts, echoed by McLaurin and Mixon who similarly posted 20+pt games. Yer Texans D looked a bit suspect though with a horrid 5 pt game, although that might be a result of how bad Stroud has been lately. Tank Dell and Amari Cooper also had shite games of around 5pts as well, although that was made up for at least by Pickens and McConkey averaging around 18pts each. Not much else for me to comment on really other than hopefully see you in the SB.
Maybe Nix Year
153.06 pts
6-7
Hurts Me Bijan
160.06 pts
7-6
I know I was laughing at your Rbs to start the year, and whilst they’ve tried to sustain you throughout the year, they looked ugly as shit this weekend, with Hubbard, top 12 RB, posting a woeful 1.3 pts, and Walker going down with an injury after putting up 5 pts. Be thankful LaPorta was able to snag 2x touchdowns at least, because that came with all of 6 yards. Jefferson finally did something this week, although the same can’t be said for Lamb, whom without Prescott, looks absolutely lost in the fantasy realm. Despite Stroud playing below average, Nico at least had a decent game of 19 pts. Same can’t be said for Ridley, who gets Mac Jones throwing to him now for a pitiful 6.5 pts. Maybe play Hines now?
A pretty undeserved win, but Hurts Me Bijan will take it nonetheless, with Jayden Daniels lighting your own Titans on fire, with the Commies scoring at one point a touchdown per 5 minutes. It’s only fitting of course that Sutton exacts that same trauma against Ben’s fantasy team. Again, I warned you about Pacheco and you didn’t heed my advice, as he scored 5 pts in his first game back from significant injury against an awful Raiders team. White has now lost his job as the RB 1 for the Bucs (and you wanted me to over pay for him…), and Robinson pissed away on the sidelines for 2 pts. Bijan was your lone bright spot this week scoring 25pts and your biggest chaotic triple threat TE Taysom is now also down with injury. You might get to the playoffs. It’s not unreasonable to have doubts on overall success though.
