Preface
I now have an unverified source informing me that Kyle Shanahan has been deliberatley sabotaging his running backs legs in order to draft Ashton Jeaty in Round 1 of the 2025 NFL draft. It’s the only rationale I can come up with as to why the 49ers have now lost the backup to their backup to another injury. At least the Bears were there to help them in their time of need...
Playoff picture has cleared somewhat, although the chances now for 2 of the remaining 5 is pretty grim. Lets get into the news.
News & Notes
● Josh Allen has broken the record for most fantasy points scored by a QB in NFL history
● Allen is also the first QB to score 3 passing touchdowns, and rush 3 touchdowns, whilst simultaneously being the first to lose a game with these stats
● The Bills team are also the first team in NFL history to lose a game when they score 6 touchdowns with no interceptions
● Fuck the Bills
● 6 out of the 7 teams eliminated from the playoffs within the AFC, have a combined record of 1-25 against NFC teams
● The only winning team was The Patriots vs The Bears
● Bill Belicheck appears to be moving on from the NFL, potentially signing as the next College HC for UNC
● Sorry you couldn’t get the all time win record coach. Maybe pay more attention to offence in College Football….
● The Patriots are waiving KJ Osbourne, giving him a chance to sign with a competing team as a depth piece. Not that he’s going to exactly be on anyone’s fantasy radar anytime soon
● The Browns waived Kadarius Toney who muffed & lost a punt return. Pretty much on the door of retirement now
● The Bears 4 yards in the first half against the 49ers were the loswest by any team since at least 2000
● The Saints are signing Ben DiNucchi to take over as their interim QB Rattler must be truly dogshit.
News & Notes
● With the Vikings beating the Falcons, the Lions, Packers & Vikings have a combined win/loss record of 28-3
● The Falcons curse lives on strong
● The Bears HC shortlist candidates are currently Mike Vrabel, Ben Johnson, Brian Flores & Joe Brady
● Joe Burrow informed the press he insists that Tee Higgins be kept on the team, and he will do whatever he can to help that happen.
● Contract restructure on the way?
● Sam Darnold has the most amount of games with 100+ QB passer rating in a single season in Vikings history
● AJ Brown has been incredibly vocal about his lack of involvement in games this year. Me too AJ, me too…..
● In the last month, Kirk Cousins would be on a 17 game pace of 34 interceptions, and 0 touchdowns. The record is held by Jamies Winstons 31 back in 2018 in 16 games.
● The point gap between Barkley and the RB7, is the same gap between Chase, and the WR2
● Barkley has been tackled at the 1 yard line a league high 11 times
● He has scored once in such instances, with Hurts taking the other 10 in subsequent snaps.
Injuries
The Gods were not kind this week...
Derek Carr suffered a significant non-throwing hand fracture, out for the rest of the season
Jonathon Brooks suffered a re-tear of his ACL in the same previously injured knee and done for the season
I am selling him for a 5th round pick for anyone interested
George Pickens suffered a grade 2 Hamstring injury. Timetable per the team is 2 weeks, although most medical experts online insist this is actually a month
Bucky Irving suffered a back injury and is now week to week
Aiden O’Connel suffered a leg injury and was carted off the field, likely done for the season
Justin Herbert suffered a leg contusion and is day to day
Will Dissly suffered a shoulder injury which will require surgery, ending his season
Isaac Guerendo suffered a foot injury and is now week to week
Breece Hall dealing with a knee contusion, week to week
Well, I did give warning in the last newsletter, but with losses to both, Sofa King Burrows and Leeroy Jenkins are formally eliminated from playoff contention.
One week left. 3 spots still vacant. But a snow flakes chance in hell for 1 of the remaining 5 challengers, and overcoming the odds equivalent to escaping the gravitational pull of Gargantua for another.
At least the maths is easier this week...
Scott. You need both Ben & Jamie to lose, whilst simultaneously winning tie breaks. The tie breaker at minimum would be outscoring Jamie by 277.16 pts due to the win and PF differences. Good luck escaping the depths of Gargantua…
Ben, you need to win as well as Jamie losing as the bare minimum. The alternatives are Jamie loses and you lose, but you outscore Jamie by 200.86 pts, or both of you win and you outscore Shiv by 97 pts. Callum has more PF than Jamie...
Jamie, you get in with a win and assuming the general statistics of fantasy football don’t go boink (e.g. Ben putting up 500 pts). You can also get in if you lose and Ben loses, again, assuming scoring doesn’t go haywire.
Callum, Shiv, both of you are near guaranteed to get in based on your current records and PF. You can suffer a loss, provided you don’t score ~100 pts and Ben goes banannas.
Will, Jamie Snr, at this point you want to tank the next game. Scott, you’re pretty much stuck with the 2025 3rd overall pick.
Playoff Predictions
The No2 spot will be claimed by either Callum or Shiv in the event of a win for one, and a loss for the other. Jamie gets the 2 spot if he wins, both Callum and Shiv lose, with Jamie outscoring Callum by 20 pts. If Jamie loses, it’s still between Callum & Shiv, with Callum having a 120pt edge in tie breakers.
Ben will automatically obtain the 4th spot if he meets the minimum expected criteria to get into the playoffs. There is no realistic chance he gets into 2nd or 3rd place. At present, Jamie is on pace to be in 4th. This is the current prediction, and I’m suspecting a Callum vs Jamie SB.
Week 14 Matchups
Despite the score, not exactly thrilled with the performance of my team, as injuries to my running backs continue, meanwhile AJ, Sun God & Metcalf continue to slump, netting 27pts combined. Kinda need you guys to start doing something… Kamario got 1 pt in the 2nd half and Jordan Love did alright, just that Josh Jacobs got most of the touchdowns. Kittle & Kupp continue to shine at least, both putting up 20 pts, and Steelers D steamrolled the Winston led Browns. Well even if I fail this year, I at least still have the WR1 in dynasty, with Chase going nuclear again for 45 pts.
There was an attempt made but the touchdowns did not go to your team this week. High scoring game between Bills and Rams, but Cooks couldn’t even get carries somehow, never mind any of the 6 touchdowns on the Bills side. Bowers surprisingly couldn’t get anything done, maybe for the first time this year, and his QB situation has only gotten worse now that the Raiders have no clear future QB. Tyreek had a monster game, putting up 28pt, but would have been better for you if he did this earlier in the year as well. Xavier Worthy you hope has a 2nd year breakout as he again didn’t have much production with 8pts. Deebo and Gesicki also dissapointed, combining for just over 10 pts. Not your year man. Just keep on fighting and try to avoid the toilet bowl trophy now.
Suck My Penix
216.82pts
7-7
Leeroy Jenkins
136.50 pts 4-10
Suck My Penix’s team seems to be coming alive down the stretch to the playoffs as my own wanes, as once again for the 3rd straight week you post over 200 pts. Wilson eventually started to cook his way to an alright game, although it was Addison that set himself above the rest of your team for 33 pts as Darnold and Co decimated the Falcons. The rest of your running backs carried the way, with Dowdle, Kyren, Brown and Montgomery combining for around 80 pts. Barkley had one of his few average games, and he faces another tough matchup this coming week against the Steelers whom will try to stop the run at all costs. Not going to wish you luck in your next 2 games, sorry not sorry.
If you are reading this Will, please at least acknowledge my trade offer… Mayfield was able to claw back his way from fumbles for a decent outing of 24 pts, and similar things could be said for Gibbs, Shakir & Thielan, each posting an average of 20pts. Even Jeudy had a good game against the Steelers D. Unfortunately the rest of your team did he haw, the Bills D in particular giving a helping hand with -3 pts. Not even the Broncos against the Fins last year had negative pts. Bucky Irving went out with injury early on in the game, and Pitts put up yet another dud of 2 pts; Kirk has been atrocious for the team this year… Harrison at least got the targets and would have had an alright game if he caught a TD pass. Didn’t expect Najee to post great numbers against the Browns D either given their run defence. You’ll want to tank next week to improve your draft stock for next year.
Week 14 Matchups
SofaKingBurrows
154.46 pts
4-10
Maybe Nix Year
177.82 pts
7-7
If Sofa King had posted the same numbers this week as he had the last 2x, this would have been a win. It’s not even like all your players were crap, some of them went banannas, a la Burrow and Josh Jacobs putting up 29.5 & 24pts each respectively, and Achane, Waddle and JSN also putting up decent performances of ~20pts each. Cardinals D were utterly putrid against the Hawks, despite Geno playing like crap, and the mystery that is Jaydeen Reed in the Packers offence continues, as he put up nil pois, despite the positive game script. You did heed my advice at least about Frieirmuth and he delivered for 13pts, but unfortunately you’ve lost Dissly to injury. At least he isn’t a cornerstone dynasty piece. Now embrace your destiny and become a tank commander for Week 15!
Keeping your playoff hopes alive but balanced upon the edge of a blade, Maybe Nix Year did enough to get the win. Caleb just does not look consistent, putting up mediocre points against the backups of the 49ers in what should have been a favourable matchup. This in turn led to Swift getting fuck all done as the game went to a pass heavy script. Miller at least finally got some carries and a TD, although I really fucking hope he isn’t used much the next 2 weeks. Jefferson shared in the glory of Sam Darnold’s passing attack and CD had his first good game with Cooper as the QB, putting up 21pts! McCLoud seemed to be the only passer that did well for the Falcons, and Thomas at least looks startable, even with Mac Jones as the QB. Unfortunately though, no MacKerron Bowl this year, as we get to dance in week 16 if you get in.
Hurts Me Bijan
248.52 pts
8-6
I hope you’re both ready for this rematch in week 16...
All in on Allen
203.96 pts
8-6
Callum’s team put on a stunner of a show, and by my memory posted the 2nd highest score of a week in league history. There were a few mediocre players on your team, with Pacheco still seemingly recovering from injury, and Engram hasn’t done much this year at all, posting 7 pts himself. But everyone else? Nacua got involved in the run game for a TD, as well as scorching through the air for 162 yards and a tiddie. Backup Rbs White & Charbonnet meanwhile benefitted greatly from their injured counterparts, combining for over 60pts also. Might not be able to rely on them soon though. Juan has also taken over as the WR1 of the 49ers over Deebo, falling into the end zone twice and netting 28pts himself. You can pretty much take this next week off.
Allen tried his best but like the Bills, you still somehow lost. A pause for concern, like my own via Chase, is that if you remove that 57 pts, the rest of your team scored just under 150pts. So right around average. This is evident as only Davante Adams scored more than 20pts also on your team. Whomever told you to start the Bengals D is sick in the head as they have been atrocious all year and lost more to injury, but were good enough to post 14pts against the Cowboys. Allen was a surprising dud, only getting 5 targets in a positive game script, as was Knox although this was his first week back from significant injury. Cooper & Njoku were alright, posting 15 & 17pts each, but you’ll want to see more from your team overall down the stretch.
