Parent Resource Time-out vs. Time-In: Is There a Better Way? Why You Need the Flexibility of a Feeling-Break Written by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D. https://nurtureandthriveblog.com/feeling-break-time-in/
Time-outs in the traditional sense are not recommended as an effective way to discipline or as a way to help your child to develop better regulation skills.
Positive Discipline: What is a Time-In? The time-in is the positive/gentle parenting answer to time-out. Instead of leaving your child alone with their very big and hard-to-control emotions, you sit with them and scaffold self-
Disciplining Your Child: What is a Time-Out? The classic time-out is used as a punishment or at
regulation, while at the same time reinforcing limits.
best, negative-reinforcement. Most simply put, a
Here is a typical scenario: Your child is playing
child does something they shouldn’t — hit, push,
with a friend and the friend grabs away the toy
kick, or scream and the parent sends their child to
your child was playing with. Your child grabs it
the time-out chair or to their room to “think about
back. The friend grabs it back again and your
what they did” and to “calm down.”
child pushes the friend over. Tears all around.
Parents often think that it is best to ignore their
You approach your child and remind them it is not
child while they are in time-out, so they do not
okay to use their hands when they are upset, you
accidentally reinforce bad behavior by giving their
remove your child from the situation and ask your
child any attention.
child to sit with you. Then you help your child work
Parents have the best intentions using these
through some big feelings and repair the situation.
strategies — they want to teach their child that
“Wow, did you feel really frustrated when your
their behaviors are unacceptable and they don’t
friend grabbed the toy? (Help your child name
want to use harsher punishment.
and notice the emotion). What are some ways we
However, consistently leaving children to figure out what they did wrong and not acknowledging their very real emotions can have unintended consequences. At best, we miss out on a chance to build emotion-regulation skills, and at worst, we set the stage for later emotional dysregulation and behavior problems. We all want children to learn limits and understand that certain behaviors are not acceptable, and we also want children to learn to regulate their emotions and ‘calm down.’ Unfortunately, time-outs don’t often accomplish
can show our frustration? (Say it aloud, tell me, stomp your feet like a dinosaur). Remember, we cannot use our hands to show our frustration. Let’s see if we can take turns with the toy – I can set a timer (This begins to repair the social situation, building the foundation for empathy and social repair).” The big difference from a time-out is that in a time-in rather than leave the child alone, the caregiver sits with the child and helps co-regulate big emotions and helps to guide the repair of the situation.
those objectives long-term. Instead, children learn
There are three things a Time-In must include to
to stuff impulses and emotions deep inside in
be effective: Acknowledging Emotion, Setting
order to fit into a rigid set of rules.
Limits on Behavior, and Repair/Redirection.
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