Parent Resource

Time-out vs. Time-In: Is There a Better Way? Why You Need the Flexibility of a Feeling-Break

W r i t t e n b y A s h l e y S o d e r l u n d P h . D .

https://nurtureandthriveblog.com/feeling-break-time-in/

Disciplining Your Child: What is a Time-Out? The classic time-out is used as a punishment or at best, negative-reinforcement. Most simply put, a child does something they shouldn ’t — hit, push, kick, or scream and the parent sends their child to the time-out chair or to their room to “think about what they did” and to “ calm down. ” Parents often think that it is best to ignore their child while they are in time-out, so they do not accidentally reinforce bad behavior by giving their child any attention. Parents have the best intentions using these strategies — they want to teach their child that their behaviors are unacceptable and they don ’t want to use harsher punishment. However, consistently leaving children to figure out what they did wrong and not acknowledging their very real emotions can have unintended consequences. At best, we miss out on a chance to build emotion-regulation skills, and at worst, we set the stage for later emotional dysregulation and behavior problems. We all want children to learn limits and understand that certain behaviors are not acceptable, and we also want children to learn to regulate their emotions and ‘ calm down. ’ Unfortunately, time-outs don ’t often accomplish those objectives long-term. Instead, children learn to stuff impulses and emotions deep inside in order to fit into a rigid set of rules. Time-outs in the traditional sense are not recommended as an effective way to discipline or as a way to help your child to develop better regulation skills.

Positive Discipline: What is a Time-In?

The time-in is the positive/gentle parenting answer to time-out. Instead of leaving your child alone with their very big and hard-to-control emotions, you sit with them and scaffold selfregulation, while at the same time reinforcing limits. Here is a typical scenario: Your child is playing with a friend and the friend grabs away the toy your child was playing with. Your child grabs it back. The friend grabs it back again and your child pushes the friend over. Tears all around. You approach your child and remind them it is not okay to use their hands when they are upset, you remove your child from the situation and ask your child to sit with you. Then you help your child work through some big feelings and repair the situation. “Wow, did you feel really frustrated when your friend grabbed the toy? (Help your child name and notice the emotion). What are some ways we can show our frustration? (Say it aloud, tell me, stomp your feet like a dinosaur). Remember, we cannot use our hands to show our frustration. Let’ s see if we can take turns with the toy – I can set a timer (This begins to repair the social situation, building the foundation for empathy and social repair). ” The big difference from a time-out is that in a time-in rather than leave the child alone, the caregiver sits with the child and helps co-regulate big emotions and helps to guide the repair of the situation. There are three things a Time-In must include to be effective: Acknowledging Emotion, Setting Limits on Behavior, and Repair/Redirection.

Acknowledging how your child feels helps to diffuse their inappropriate behavior. Once children feel understood, so much of the behavior melts away. Often the behavior is just an immature attempt of trying to express emotion. Time-ins allow your child to grow and learn about feelings and relationships. Sitting with your child in that emotion also reinforces the feeling of connection to you, erasing the need for “ attention-getting behavior, ” which is often just a bid for connection. Sometimes, however, time-ins just don ’t work. There is actually minimal research support for time-ins. There is quite a debate in the clinical world because there is evidence that time-outs are effective, especially for children with ADHD or disruptive and aggressive behavior, however, I believe newer paradigms prioritizing neuroceptive safety will show that this research was flawed. There is also research (Stelter & Halberstadt, 2011) (Wong et al., 2008) (Hurrell et al., 2015) showing that parents who value and accept their children ’ s emotions, including negative emotions, had children who:

Felt More Secure

Showed Greater Peer Competence

Have lower Anxiety Bottom line? A time-in is a good choice. But it doesn ’t always work and sometime children resist it because of the different types of emotions they are feeling. So, what do you do if time-ins don ’t work? The Time-in with a Twist: Introducing The Feeling-Break When my son was younger and was really upset I would sit with him, offer a hug, acknowledge his emotions, and guide him to a better response. Many times this type of time-in would instantly soothe tantrums and we 'd move on about our day. There were also times when a time-in just didn ’t work: He needed a break. Away from the activity, away from the stress of the situation, and even away from me. The activity was so over-stimulating that a quiet break was the only thing that let him sort through his big feelings. We all feel like that sometimes don ’t we? When you are upset and you just need a minute to catch your breath — to just feel what you are feeling. I needed a break. Let’ s face it — sometimes you just don ’t have it in you for a time-in right at that moment. If you are close to blowing your fuse it is okay to say you need a break. You are modeling self-regulation to your child in that moment. And that’ s a positive in my book. The Time-In isn ’t changing behavior. Sometimes your child knows better, yet they may have trouble doing better in the midst of big emotions. They need help regulating impulses, and a break to pause and reflect can be a powerful tool to help develop regulation. Eventually, that can translate to thinking before acting — thereby reducing impulsive behavior.

Want to learn how to do a Feeling Break In in a positive way that supports development? Continue reading the full article here:

Positive Discipline 101: Here is how to do a Feeling-Break in a positive way that supports development