REG’S BENCH The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of ...his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?'' The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''. 2 guys playing golf... Funeral procession goes past. 1 guy puts down his club and takes off his hat, then bows his head... Other guy says... wow.. that was a great show of respect for the deceased... 1st guy says... Least I could do... we were married for 40 years..
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Solutions page 14
QUICK CROSSWORD
Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight. The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?' Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.' Do you ever wonder who loves you? Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure? There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one hour. Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a couple of beers and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot. Now, who is happy to see you? Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.'An American goes to Australia Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, 'And what are those?' 'Glen', the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas.'
Across 1 Vow (4) 3 Seasickness (3,2,3) 9 Becomes visible (7) 10 View (5) 11 Wood nymph (5) 12 Crazy person (6) 14 Going by air (6) 16 Fleet of ships (6) 19 Champagne (6) 21 Film (5) 24 Keen (5) 25 Eight-sided figure (7) 26 Buy (8) 27 Genuine (4) Down 1 Intermittently (2,3,3) 2 Slightly drunk (5) 4 Take for granted (6) 5 English county (5) 6 Eye make-up (7) 7 Peruse (4) 8 Make sorrowful (6) 13 Motherly (8) 15 Not so old (7) 17 Distant (6)
18 Stockings (6) 20 Accommodation on ship (5) 22 Imprecise (5) 23 Profound (4)
CRYPTIC CROSSWORD Across 7 US coach errs badly, providing intensive training (5,6) 8 Damaged gun's alright internally (6) 9 A little rainfall indicator? (6) 10 It's still produced north of the border (6) 12 Didn't fail to deal out spades (6) 13 Some villain's not well (3) 14 Fruit and nuts taken back by child (6) 16 Please turn and slip away (6) 18 Maroon filament (6) 20 Squeeze in a game (6) 22 Bird or animal turning on baby in nursery rhyme (4,7) Down 1 Small vehicle making a mark (4) 2 A lot of money in a carton (6) 3 Take two inches off for good health! (4-4) 4 Pigs stand out with spotted heads (4) 5 Initially grand accommodation for
stable men (6) 6 Young animals making vets reel (8) 11 Coarsest sort of ships? (8) 12 A planet's teribly nice (8) 15 Ghosts in sunglasses (6) 17 Egyptian god transported in a bus (6) 19 Fingerprints of fishes? (4)
21 Droop before a long story (4)
SODUKU Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9, with no number repeated. MOLONG EXPRESS, Thursday 3 August 2023 11 11 MOLONG EXPRESS, Thursday 14 October 2021
