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~NEW SPLICER~ Volume 2.4 June-ish 2011

In this issue Topic of the month: Famous French Scientists (with funny names)... The War with the English never ended... Edible cloning... A History - from an English perspective Rouge, blanc et Bleurrrr (Genetic pet colour enhancement)... The Andouillette... and much more! Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Foreword A big thank you to Jordan Persson from the band “Break Stuff Steal Things” who created an aptly excellent Theme Tune for New Splicer! Check it out here: http://tindeck.com/listen/pmtc

“Cogito ergo sum” Special thanks to all my good French friends who have taken my jokes and ridicule over the past month! Your temperance is most appreciated... ad o i t uc d e “R ...” : to m ot urdu M y abs m Or Don’t forget to Breathe

Frans Hals - René Descartes Don’t forget to smile


~~~~~~~~~ToPIC of the Month~~~~~~~~ Famous French Scientists (with funny names)... Pierre-Marie-Jérôme Trésaguet (1716, Nevers – 1796) was a French engineer. He is widely credited with establishing the first scientific approach to road building about the year 1764. Among his innovations was the use of a base layer of large stone covered with a thin layer of smaller stone. The advantage of this two-layer configuration was that when rammed or rolled by traffic the stones jammed into one another forming a strong wear resistant surface which offered less obstruction to traffic. In 1775 he was appointed inspector general of roads and bridges for all of France. Jean-Jacques d’Ortous de Mairan (November 26, 1678 – February 20, 1771), a French geophysicist, astronomer and most notably, chronobiologist, was born in the town of Béziers on November 26, 1678. Over the course of his life, de Mairan was elected into numerous scientific societies and made key discoveries in a variety of fields including ancient texts and astronomy. His observations and experiments also inspired the beginning of what is now known as the study of of biological circadian rhythms. At the age of 92, de Mairan died of pneumonia in Paris on February 20, 1771. Xavier Le Pichon (born June 18, 1937) is a French geophysicist. Among many other contributions, he is known for his comprehensive model of plate tectonics (1968). He is professor at the Collège de France.

François Fresneau (29 September 1703 – 25 June 1770) was a French scientist, and is credited for having written the first scientific paper on rubber. He also was known for having the first early idea of water proof material. Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Baron Nöel Frédéric Armand André de Lafresnaye (July 24, 1783 - July 14, 1861) was a French ornithologist and collector. Lafresnaye was born into an aristocratic family at Chateau de La Fresnaye in Falaise, Normandy. He took an early interest in natural history, particularly entomology. It was only after acquiring a collection of European birds that he turned his attention to ornithology. Lafresnaye described a number of new bird species, some with Alcide d’Orbigny. He accumulated a collection of over 8000 bird skins at his home.

René Antoine Ferchault de Réaumur (French pronunciation: [ʁe.o.myːʁ], 28 February 1683 La Rochelle - 17 October 1757 Saint-Julien-du-Terroux) was a French scientist who contributed to many different fields, especially the study of insects.

Melchisédech (or Melchisédec) Thévenot (c. 1620 – 29 October 1692) was a French author, scientist, traveller, cartographer, orientalist, inventor, and diplomat. He was the inventor of the spirit level and is also famous for his popular 1696 book The Art of Swimming, one of the first books on the subject and widely read during the 18th century. The book popularized the breaststroke. He also influenced the founding of the Académie Royale des Sciences (the French Academy of Sciences).

Louis Couffignal (1902-1966) was a French Mathematician and Cybernetics pioneer. He taught in schools in the southwest of Brittany, then at the naval academy and, eventually, at the Buffon School. Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Hippolyte Pixii (1808–1835) was an instrument maker from Paris, France. In 1832 he built an early form of alternating current electrical generator, based on the principle of magnetic induction discovered by Michael Faraday. Pixii’s device was a spinning magnet, operated by a hand crank, where the North and South poles passed over a coil with an iron core. A current pulse was experienced each time a pole passed over the coil. He also found that the current direction changed when the North Pole passed over the coil after the South Pole and this of course was alternating current. Later on acting on a suggestion by Andre Ampere other results were obtained by introducing a commutator, which produced a pulsating direct current which at this time was much more preferred than alternating current. Although Pixii at the time did not fully understand electromagnetic induction, his device led to more sophisticated devices. Georges-Louis Leclerc, Comte de Buffon (7 September 1707 – 16 April 1788) was a Frenchnaturalist, mathematician, cosmologist, and encyclopaedic author. His works influenced the next two generations of naturalists, including Jean-Baptiste Lamarck and Georges Cuvier. Buffon published thirty-six quarto volumes of his Histoire naturelle during his lifetime; with additional volumes based on his notes and further research being published in the two decades following his death.It has been said that “Truly, Buffon was the father of all thought in natural history in the second half of the 18th century”. Buffon held the position of intendant (director) at the Jardin du Roi, now called the Jardin des Plantes; it is the French equivalent of Kew Gardens. Edme Mariotte (1620-84) - Mariotte was a French physicist who “wrote on percussion, air and its pressure, the movements of fluid bodies and of pendulums, colours, etc.”

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


John Theophilus Desaguliers (pronounced day-za-güly-ay) (12 March 1683 – 29 February 1744) was a natural philosopher born in France. He was a member of the Royal Society of London beginning 29 July 1714. He was presented with the Royal Society’s highest honour, the Copley Medal, in 1734, 1736 and 1741, with the 1741 award being for his discovery of the properties of electricity.He studied at Oxford, became experimental assistant to Sir Isaac Newton, and later popularized Newtonian theories and their practical applications. He has been credited as the inventor of the planetarium, on the basis of some plans he published.

Jacques Alexander César Charles (1746-1823) - The French scientist after which is named the Charles’s Law which made the connection that a rise in temperature expanded the volume of gas. Charles was to become one of first balloonists.

André Marie Ampère (1775-1836) - Ampère, a teacher at Paris, has his permanent place in the history of science because it was his name that was given to the unit by which we measure electrical current. He had, of course, an interest in electricity; in addition, Ampère made similar investigations as did Avogadro into the nature of matter in its gaseous state.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Henri Becquerel (1852–1908) Some of our acts seem to be of very little importance. But, eventually, they might bring a major revolution, one of those strong movements which change the world. A world in which a hundred years later, its effect are still felt. Henri Antoine Becquerel did one such act at the end of last century by forgetting some photographic plates in his drawer for a few days. He discovered by pure chance that radiation ionises the air. It is not caused by the Sun and its intensity does not decrease with the passage of time. This is the beginning of nuclear age. Louis Pasteur was born on December 27, 1822 in Dole, in the region of Jura, France. His discovery that most infectious diseases are caused by germs, known as the “germ theory of disease”, is one of the most important in medical history. His work became the foundation for the science of microbiology, and a cornerstone of modern medicine. Pasteur’s phenomenal contributions to microbiology and medicine can be summarized as follows. First, he championed changes in hospital practices to minimize the spread of disease by microbes. Second, he discovered that weakened forms of a microbe could be used as an immunization against more virulent forms of the microbe. Third, Pasteur found that rabies was transmitted by agents so small they could not be seen under a microscope, thus revealing the world of viruses. As a result he developed techniques to vaccinate dogs against rabies, and to treat humans bitten by rabid dogs. And fourth, Pasteur developed “pasteurization”, a process by which harmful microbes in perishable food products are destroyed using heat, without destroying the food. Each discovery in the body of Pasteur’s work represents a link in an uninterrupted chain, beginning with molecular asymmetry and ending with his rabies prophylaxis, by way of his research in fermentation, silkworm, wine and beer diseases, asepsis and vaccines.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Insane shot stories by a madman Chapter 4 The war with the French never ended Or maybe its all a lie.. When is a lie not a lie? Definition, to believe in something without proof. Proof (of what kind) nullifies a lie. Proof is a collection of facts, but facts are relative to the observer. Where does this leave us? At war of course... The War of the Grand Alliance (1688–97) began as it never ended with the lie of surrender, yes the facts would have you believe the French surrendered in 1697 with the signing the Treaty of Ryswick. This was in fact a lie, possibly the second biggest lie (the 1st being that the Andouillette is edible, even after extensive taste engineering), conspired by the entirety of the French nation living at the time and propagated by every progeny since. All of France lie in a waiting lie awaiting for the time of the reveal; an almost perfect plan, except for a brown pigeon with no knowledge of the message attached to its stalky legs. History is written by the victors. However, with an endless supply of time running away in a direction somewhat like forward who can ever declare complete victory... Not the English the French would rewrite... The Treaty of Ryswick or Ryswyck was signed on 20 September 1697 and named after Ryswick in the Dutch Republic. The treaty settled the Nine Years’ War, which pitted France against the Grand Alliance of England, Spain, the Holy Roman Empire and the United Provinces. Negotiations started in May. The French representatives had their headquarters at The Hague and the allies were based in Delft: the conference taking place in between the two towns in the Huis ter Nieuwburg in Ryswick. However, king Louis XIV had his fingers crossed and with no intent in heart and mind he signed “le mentir” [The Lie]. Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Its now 2011 and French lawyers wait for the brown pigeon called the mensonge oiseau, released by the great great great and not so great grandchildren of Louis XIV. Within its clutches was the evidence and sworn testimony of every French general in 1697 dictating the gross lie and non-surrender! Modern espionage was almost impossible, consumed millions in finance and was never quite as cunning as a pigeon.

Relations with the French were assumed to be good, we shared cheese, we shared wine and for the most part got on well. But unbeknown to the English (Wales knew but was too busy deciding if they liked the idea of the English being undone by the French and not themselves and so decided to wait for the outcome and wave fists in anger at whichever side claimed the current victory) every French soul had in them knowledge of “le mentir”. However, hope lied in the distillation of anger over time as contempt was somewhat filtered through the ages the lie became a story, part myth part joke, to many of the French children. Jeremie Fizecool was a young pine cone fearing boy, like most French children of this generation he didn’t believe in “le mentir”. He was a geek, played with robots, computers and was a atheist that didn’t believe in the “autre mensonge”. How Jeremie is pivotal in all these things has nothing to do with anything from the previous sentence and everything to do with his passion for food. Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Fast forward to the key moment... The pigeon flapped madly as Adam when-born, the young English boy who through skipping time you have no clue about, other than that he is young, male and English. Deductive skills allowed the pigeon to avoid the first swing of the bat flapping around in the cave-like attic of the church, blind in the darkness Adam waited upside-down tethered to jeremie by a small thread from below. Both the English and French secret services were closing in. It was dusty, with broken tiles the only source of light like infrared beams signalling the passing of an object or pigeon. “Swing” and-a miss as the beams were once again disturbed by the Unobservable Flying Object, believed to be said pigeon. This was all alien to Adam who only several hours before was talking with his friend jeremie about never having eaten pigeon and as he was on holiday in France he would like to. Fortunately, for him and Anglo-French relations Jeremie knew a great spot for pigeon fishing. Hence, the rope which made the whole sport a little more sporting, if not a little odd. Thwack.... Flutter... Thud... Lunch is caught. The blow had disabled the tracking device implanted in the pigeon and allowed the two friends to escape the church unharmed [I think the food would be the equivalent of Christian halal, depending if Adam was Christian but that’s not important]. Skip an hour and thirty minutes cooking time... Bing... Ready

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


The tracking device would be mistaken for a wishbone, the lie would remain just that, as a crisp cinder [no one ate pigeon legs this night] and the two friends started this story just like the rest of us from England and France as good friends. No French humans were harmed in the making of this story...

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Edible cloning... We here at New Splicer labs are just entering into a new franchise because extinct pets can only satisfy so far (unless you are French/Welsh). So we have been hard at work creating a delectable menu of edible chimeras, tasty transgenics and beautifully bioengineered treats. S- car Go the mobile snack at speed.

Coming soon: How to make your own X14 cheese, entirely on your own and at your own risk!

Andouillette that doesn’t taste like Andouillette.

car patch-e-o (good depending on the model).

Instant burger Cow (Just add bun).

French stick (Receiving insults from the French).

pain au chocolat (but less painful).

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


An American reports: “We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.” A Frenchman reports: “We succeeded in cross-breeding flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.” A Russian reports: “And we crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.”

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


“Today’s top tip - when in a hurry, don’t let the parrot out.” Ellie Randall

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Rouge, blanc et Bleurrrr (Genetic pet colour enhancement)... Bastille day

Prise de la Bastille, by Jean-Pierre-Louis-Laurent Houel

What started as a small experiment in pigmentation turned into a revolution in genetic pet fashion, science became colourful and cool. This story began with a challenge from a wealthy customer that was becoming board with his flesh coloured dodo. Monsieur Francs Très wished to celebrate Bastille Day several years ago and set New splicer labs the challenge to produce the 3 colours of the French flag, as a skin pigment, through genetic engineering. Banks credited and challenge accepted we began research into the gene loci that determines pigment colour. Using the technique of genetic linkage we discovered the genes were spread across all 80chromosomes (2d) but mapped to distinct regions within each chromosome. The next challenge was to introduce both red, white (not albino as the red eyes scared Mr Très) and blue pigmentation via genetic manipulation and altering the emitted wavelength of light produced in the respective D and L chains of each chiral molecule. All proteins, including that for pigmentation, are dynamic; that is they consistently move and rotate around the axis of their molecular bonds. The slower/faster the rotation coefficient of a protein the higher or lower the corresponding wavelength of light that would be observed. Thus, having the physical properties of any wavelength of light hence colour that we here at New Splicer choose to implement. Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Early testing We had the gene each colour and began introducing this into, at first, Drosophila Melanogaster (the fruit fly) which has a very short generation cycle and lifespan allowing very rapid experimental results.

Excited by the outcome in these studies we moved on to “colour engineering”TM in our pet dodo clones. Initial results were disappointing as due to the thicker skin of the dodo the resultant colour appeared faded and dull. This was ingeniously resolved with the manipulation of skin cells, reducing the external layers of skin by half.

[note: your “Colour Engineered”TM pets may require jumpers in the winter, now sold in matching pigment colour in our New Splicer Merchandise store].

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Mr Francs Très was not however pleased with the results, as we discovered shortly on Bastille day with a very angry call regarding the dodo’s. Apparently, after cooking each dodo the Red, white and blue all became a charred black crisp [apparently the thinner skin does not crisp up so well our scientists assumed].

No refund could be given however as we at New Splicer “warranty Void” policy if any harm comes to our pets, we always guarantee that no pets are harmed in the making of said pets. The remaining colonies of colour dodo’s however caught the imagination of the world in there uncooked state and now are enjoyed the world over. Ultra Violet spectra dodo clone 4.3 recall information - under certain conditions this dodo may spontaneously combust, resulting in a quite delicious meal, yet posing a considerable “house burning down” threat. Please place in a cool box and return ship free of charge to: New Splicer Inc P.O. Box 42 Swindon Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


The Andouillette... Andouillette (French pronunciation: [ɑ̃dujɛt]) is a coarse-grained tripe sausage made with pork (or occasionally, veal), chitterlings, pepper, wine, onions, and seasonings. Andouillette sausage is a smaller version of the andouille sausage, generally smaller than 25 mm in diameter. It is produced both as a mild sausage (French in origin) in French cuisine and as a spicier, Cajunversion (derived from the French one) that is used as an ingredient for various Cajun foods such as soups, stews and meat dishes. There are a number of versions produced that generally provide a spicy, smoky, rich, earthy flavor, which may also have a slightly sweet taste.

“I have just chips an ate S*it and d paid f or it! Chris c arswell ” .

” n... w do ing ld h t e ny e p a Oldfi e lyn e S a k re an emm eird G “I c D e” lett m o the d a “I h Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Ingredients and history The original composition of “andouillette sausages” is not known and there is no record of the andouillette’s composition from earlier than the nineteenth century. Nineteenth century dictionaries simply describe them as “small andouilles” (petites andouilles). During recent decades, a range of differently composed andouillettes are or have been offered by Charcuterie and tripe producers: the principal differences concern the primary ingredients used, whether pork or veal or a mixture of the two. During the twentyfirst century the incorporation of veal, historically the more costly meat ingredient, has been banned in response to concerns over BSE. Some French regions such as Cambrésis (the area surroundingCambrai) and Lyonnais were still including veal right up to the ban. In other regions, pork has been the only meat in an andouillette for more than a century: that is the case with the andouillette “of Troyes”, which is currently the type of andouillette most likely to be encountered in national outlets, such as supermarkets, throughout France. But it seems likely that through the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, local producers were using their own unique recipes according to time and place: the recipes used by local specialised outlets continue to vary considerably. A number of andouillettes sold as local specialities have nevertheless evolved or indeed disappeared, such as the andouillettes of Villers-Cotterêts which received a mention in the posthumously published Culinary Dictionary (Grand Dictionnaire de cuisine) by Alexandre Dumas. Serving In major restaurants, andouillettes can be served either hot or cold. As with all tripe sausages, andouillettes are an acquired taste. Their strong smell can be reminiscent of feces and may offend people unaccustomed to the dish. The texture is somewhat rougher than sausages, as the content is coarsely cut. Primarily pan-fried (sometimes breaded), it can also be boiled, barbecued or grilled. The sausage is often served with vegetables in a mustard or red wine sauce. It is best served with either dry white wine, brut champagne or Pinot noir. Andouillettes today Their popularity (particularly around Troyes, Lyon, Tours, Orléans, Eastern and Northern France) has remained constant over the last few centuries. From the 1970s Lyon has been the centre of a fan club which rates restaurants based on the quality of their andouillettes. Andouillette is often described on French menus as AAAAA; this acronym stands for the Association Amicale des Amateurs d’Andouillette Authentique, roughly translated as the Amicable Association of Lovers of Authentic Andouillette. Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


The answer to cardiovascular genetics The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It is speaking English that kills you.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Ok here we go - The French Joke-A-Thon New Splicer tip: if you install the French versions of your favourite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


French scientists planning to clone luxury “black diamond” truffles French scientists are planning to clone luxury “black diamond” Périgord truffles, which can traditionally fetch up to £860 a kilo. The pungent fungi may soon be created in test tubes instead of under the roots of trees, according to reports. France produced 1,000 tonnes of black truffles a year at the beginning of the 20th century, but the figure has now fallen to 40 to 50 tonnes. Marking the start of the truffle season, the French region of Corrèze will sign an accord for a threeyear project with Delpeyrat, which has been making truffle conserves since the 19th century, and STEF-TFE, a food transport company. Together, they will endeavour to unlock the secrets of what makes the black truffle so special – the soil, climate or trees – and, it is hoped, revive an endangered industry by producing a more consistent crop. The project will involve culturing cloned truffles together with baby trees in test tubes until they form, a process that can take a year. Once established, pairs will be planted out to mature naturally. The domestic variety’s increasing rarity reflects the decline of French agriculture as well as the fungus’s mysterious growth pattern. Truffles are not so much grown as found. The trees are often at least 20 years old before truffles are sniffed out, usually by trained dogs. Most of the crop is consumed domestically, along with imports of much cheaper truffles from China. Jacques Pebeyre, a truffier known as France’s “truffle king” said: “We are in peril – there’s no doubt of that. “There are fewer and fewer people willing to produce truffles. Young people prefer cereals,” he told the Financial Times. “I am not against helping nature. We need to know how good these truffles will be. In the end, it all depends on that”. Don’t forget to Breathe

Urmee Khan Dec 2008 Don’t forget to smile


Q. How many jokes are there about the French? A. One, the rest are true “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf Q. How do you break a Frenchman’s finger? A. Hit him on the nose.

“A Frenchmen’s home is where another man’s wife is.” - Mark Twain Q. How do you sink a French battleship? A. Put it in water.

Q. What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A. A bisexual. A French and English general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the English general, grazing his arm. He shouts “Aide! Bring me my red jacket!” The French general asks “Why did you do that?” The English general responds “So my men don’t see that I’m bleeding, and lose hope.” A second bullet narrowly misses the French general’s ear, and he shouts: “Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!”

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army. Don’t forget to smile Don’t forget to Breathe


The NEXT Splicer details: Ever wondered if plants cried? Or at least shed a tear... Walking among us in overgrown gardens, criticising pruning techniques! These and other things you didn’t know you wanted to know will be explored in New Splicer Volume 2.5. Trim you hedge funds and start writing, rhyming and drawing your favourite blooms and most wrathful weeds! I am currently working on a new Website which should be up and running in time for some next issue... Maybe... If the science of Alzheimer’s doesn’t get in the way or I forget...

How to write in: www.facebook.com/NewSplicer Email: NewSplicer@gmail.com

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


~NEW SP ICER~ L

Volume 2.5 July 2011

In this issue

Topic of the month: “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

Do plants scream - The Aquaterianism Movment Natures Scientists - Plants Lazy Gardeners - How to grow weeds Gregor Mendel Or why the monks hated pea soup Yggdrasil... and much more!

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile


Toast Marketing board

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New Splicer Volume 2.4  

Originally inspired by the fictional home-cloning plot devices in Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series of books. Please help this page grow...

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