New Splicer Volume 3.5

~NEW SPLICER~ Volume 3.5 July 2012

In this issue Topic of the month: The Eiger...

Mountains of the Moon The breasts of Sheba...

How to climb a mountain (or other small obstacles) Olympus...

The fires of Mount Etna... and much more!

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

Foreword Welcome to the climb of your literary life and mine.

This will not be smooth ab-sailing as we a-send the world a message written in the skies.

The Mountain music extravaganza, with a little more mountain and slightly more page rustling.

The highest I have ever existed without flying was approximately 6,500ft in Andorra to find a large supermarket. I only just about survived the return trip and like all things carry the vivid memories with me till journeys end...

Come for the ride, stay for the toast... ~New Splicer~

I want to know the thoughts of God. All the rest are details.

- Albert Einstein Don’t forget to smile

Don’t forget to Breathe

~~~~~~~~~ToPIC of the Month~~~~~~~~

The Eiger Location Range Coordinates First ascent

Canton of Bern, Switzerland Bernese Alps 46°34′39″N 8°0′19″E 11 August 1858

The Eiger (3,970 m (13,025 ft)) is a mountain in the Bernese Alps in Switzerland. It is the easternmost peak of a ridge crest that extends across the Mönch to the Jungfrau at 4,158 m. The northern side of the mountain rises about 3,000 m (9,800 ft) above Grindelwald and other inhabited valleys of the Bernese Oberland, and the southern side faces the deeply glaciated region of the Jungfrau-Aletsch, covered by some of the largest glaciers in the Alps.

The first ascent of the Eiger was made by Swiss guides Christian Almer and Peter Bohren and Irishman Charles Barrington, who climbed the west flank on August 11, 1858. The north face, 1,800 m (5,900 ft) (German: Nordwand, “north wall”), was first climbed in 1938 by an Austrian-German expedition and is one of the six great north faces of the Alps. Since 1935, at least sixty-four climbers have died attempting the north face, earning it the German nickname Mordwand, literally “murder(ous) wall” - a pun on its correct title of Nordwand (North Wall).

From Kleine Scheidegg a railway tunnel runs inside the Eiger and two internal stations provide easy access to viewing-windows in the mountainside [See Cover Image]. This railway, the Jungfraubahn rack railway, terminates in the Jungfraujoch, between the Mönch and the Jungfrau, at the highest railway station in Europe.

"It is never the fall that kills, it's the sudden stop at the end."

- Mountain Guide's Handbook Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

The Eiger is mentioned in records dating back to the 13th century but there is no clear indication of how exactly the peak gained its name. The three mountains of the ridge are commonly referred to as the Virgin (German: Jungfrau - translates to “virgin” or “maiden”), the Monk (Mönch) and the Ogre (Eiger). The name has been linked to the Latin term acer, meaning “sharp” or “pointed,” but more commonly to the German eigen, meaning “own”.

In July 2006, a piece of the Eiger amounting to approximately 700,000 cubic metres of rock, fell from the east face. As it had been noticeably cleaving for several weeks and fell into an uninhabited area, there were no injuries and no buildings were hit.

The North face The Nordwand, German for “north wall” or “north face,” is the spectacular north (or, more precisely, northwest) face of the Eiger (also known as the Eigernordwand: “Eiger north wall”). It is one of the six great north faces of the Alps, towering over 1,800 m (5,900 ft) above Kleine Scheidegg. At 2,866 metres inside the mountain lies the Eigernordwand railway station. The station is connected to the north face by a tunnel opening at the face, which has sometimes been used to rescue climbers.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

The Eiger

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

Climbs and attempts on the north face of the Eiger...

1934: First attempt on the face, by Willy Beck, Kurt Löwinger and Georg Löwinger, reaching 2,900 m.

1935: Attempt by the Germans Karl Mehringer and Max Sedlmeyer. They froze to death at 3,300 m, a place now known as "Death Bivouac."

1936: Four Austrian and German climbers, Andreas Hinterstoisser, Toni Kurz, Willy Angerer and Edi Rainer, died on the face in severe weather conditions during a retreat from Death Bivouac.

1938: Alpine Journal editor Edward Lisle Strutt calls the face "an obsession for the mentally deranged" and "the most imbecile variant since mountaineering first began."

1938: First ascent of the north face by Anderl Heckmair, Heinrich Harrer, Fritz Kasparek and Ludwig Vörg, achieved in three days.

1947: Second ascent of the face by Frenchmen, Lionel Terray and Louis Lachenal.

1950: First one-day ascent of the face by Leo Forstenlechner and Erich Wascak, in 18 hours.

1957: Two Italian (Claudio Corti and Stefano Longhi) and two German climbers (Franz Meyer and Gunther Nothdurft) encounter extreme difficulties in the higher part of the route, as Nothdurft becomes ill and Longhi, who is suffering from severe frostbite, falls near "the Spider" and cannot be lifted by his companions. Corti (who has been in turn hit by a falling stone) becomes the first man rescued from the face from above in a famous 54-man rescue action (first undertaken by volunteer climbers and non-Swiss guides) when German guide Alfred Hellepart is lowered from the summit on a steel cable by Ludwig Gramminger's rescue system. Longhi is not so lucky, and dies of exposure before he can be rescued. Meyer and Nothdurft died in an avalanche on their descent of the Eiger's west face after completing the 14th ascent of the north face (they had left the injured Corti with all their provisions—including a small tent—and were trying to descend from the mountain and call rescue). The body of Longhi remained on the face for more than two years before being recovered.

Claudio Corti, being the sole survivor, was quite wrongly castigated by some quarters of the international press, and was held responsible for the disappearance of the two German climbers Northdurf and Mayer (Northdurf had already soloed to the Swallows Nest and back). He was accused of various dark deeds of even pushing the Germans off the face. Corti actually thought he had done the first Italian ascent of the face until it was pointed out that he had finished the climb tied to the back of another climber.

1958: Kurt Diemberger and Wolfgang Stefan make the thirteenth ascent. As the bodies of Nothdurft and Meyer were found later on the descent route from the Eiger—both had been killed by an avalanche—Diemberger and Stefan were finally awarded the 14th ascent of the face.

1959: Adolf Derungs and Lucas Albrecht, two Swiss masons, climb the face with very primitive equipment. Derungs wore four shirts one on top of another and Albrecht carried an old overcoat as far as the Spider. Both students, brave to the point of rashness and very tough, descend by night by the west flank. Three years later, in 1962, Derungs disappears while attempting a solo ascent of the north face.

1961: 6–12 March : First winter ascent of the face by Toni Kinshofer, Anderl Mannhardt, Walter Almberger and Toni Hiebeler.

1961: 30 August–2 September: First all-Czechoslovak ascent of the face by Radovan Kuchař and Zdeno Zibrín (19th overall).

1961: 31 August–2 September: First all-Polish ascent of the face by Stanisław Biel and Jan Mostowski (20th overall).

1961: Don Whillans climbing with Chris Bonington aborted his only attempt at the North face (arriving ahead of a large rescue team) to rescue Brian Nally, a British climber whose companion, Barry Brewster, had fallen and was badly injured on the Second Icefield. Brewster's body eventually 'fell from the face' and Nally was brought down to safety.

1962: First all-Italian ascent of the face by Armando Aste, Pierlorenzo Acquistapace, Gildo Airoldi, Andrea Mellano, Romano Perego, and Franco Solina.

1962: First American ascent of the face, by John Harlin (with German Konrad Kirch).

1962: First British ascent of the face, by Chris Bonington and Ian Clough.

1962: Two young climbers finished the climb just after Clough and Bonington (who overtook them) their names were withheld to stop floodgates opening regarding ascents of the Eiger's north face. They were very young, their equipment was rudimentary, and the letter they left their parents galvanized police action; the police were waiting for them on their return.

1963: 2–3 August: First solo ascent of the face by Michel Darbellay, in around 18 hours of climbing.

1963: 15 August: Two Spanish climbers, Ernesto Navarro and Alberto Rabadá, die in a storm.

What did the mountain say to the Cloud....??? ..Cry me a River.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

1963: 27–31 December: Three Swiss guides complete the first descent of the face, retrieving the bodies of Navarro and Rabadá from the “White Spider.”

1964: 1–3 September: German Daisy Voog becomes the first woman to reach the summit via the face.

1966: March 22: After a fixed rope breaks, American John Harlin falls to his death while attempting a new route: the direttissima, or “most direct” route. His colleague, Scotsman Dougal Haston, joins the competing team of Siegi (Siegfried) Hupfauer, Jörg Lehne, Günter Strobel and Roland Votteler, and they go on to complete the first direttissima (they reach the summit on 25 March, after one month’s siege). The new route is named the “John Harlin Route” in Harlin’s honour.

1968: 28–31 July: First ascent of the north ridge, by a Polish team: Krzysztof Cielecki, Tadeusz Łaukajtys, Ryszard Szafirski, Adam Zyzak.

1970: Leo Dickinson, Eric Jones, Pete Minks and Cliff Phillips (GB) make the first complete film of the climb.

1971: First all-Belgian ascent of the face by Renaat Van Malderen and Vincent de Waele.

1971: Peter Siegert and Martin Biock are winched from above Death Bivouac to a helicopter, the first such successful rescue.

1974: Reinhold Messner and Peter Habeler climb the face in 10 hours.

1976: Deiter Poulson (Austria) Brian Cleave (UK), Jean Paul Devereaux (FRA) Max Weiss, and Peter Germenis (USA).

1977: First alpine-style ascent of the Eiger Direct (Harlin Route) by Alex MacIntyre (UK) and Tobin Sorenson (USA).

1977: First Dutch ascent of the face by Ronald Naar and Bas Gresnigt.

1978: First Polish winter ascent of the face by Andrzej Czok, Walenty Fiut, Janusz Skorek and Jan Wolf, the fastest winter ascent of that times.

1981: First British solo ascent of the face by Eric Jones, filmed by Leo Dickinson and released as Eiger Solo.

1981: 25 August: Swiss guide Ueli Bühler soloes the face in 8 hours and 30 minutes.

1982: Slovene Franček (Franc) Knez soloes the face in 6 hours.

1982 First American winter ascent by Harry Kent and Keith Lober.

1983: 21 March–2 April (13 days in the wall): First winter solo ascent and new route on the face (the ideal direttissima) by Slovak Pavel Pochylý sk:Pavel Pochylý.

1983: 27 July: Austrian Thomas Bubendorfer soloes the face without a rope in 4 hours and 50 minutes, almost halving Bühler's time.

1984: 21 July: Slovene Slavko (Miroslav) Svetičič. Classic route, solo climb in 8 hours.

1987: Second British solo ascent of the face by Phil Thornhill.

1990: 14–15 January: Slavko Svetičič solo climbs the Harlin route in 26 hours, its first winter ascent.

1991: Jeff Lowe solos Metanoia on the north face in winter without bolts.

1992: 10 March: Catherine Destivelle (France) soloes the face in 17 hours. It is the first solo female ascent of such a serious and dangerous Alpine face.

1997: Benedetto Salaroli, aged 72, becomes the oldest man to ascend the face, climbing it in a single day with guides Ueli Buhler and Kobi Reichen.

2003: 24 March: Christoph Hainz (Italy) breaks Bubendorfer's record by ten minutes, climbing the face in 4 hours and 40 minutes.

2007: 9 April: Christophe Profit, a French mountain guide, guides the face for the tenth time.

2007: 21 February: Ueli Steck (Switzerland) breaks Christoph Hainz's record, soloing the face in 3 hours and 54 minutes.

2008: 28 January: Roger Schäli and Simon Anthamatten (both Switzerland) set a new record for a team ascent (of the Heckmair route) climbing it in 6 hours and 50 minutes.

2008: 13 February: Ueli Steck breaks his own record, soloing the face in 2 hours, 47 minutes and 33 seconds.

2008: 23 February: Daniel Arnold and Stephan Ruoss (both Switzerland) better the team record (Schäli and Anthamatten), climbing the Heckmair route in 6 hours, 10 minutes.

2008: 31 May: Ueli Steck is presented with the inaugural Eiger Award.

2008: 7 August: Dean Potter (USA) free-solos Deep Blue Sea (5.12+) on the face, then BASE jumps from the top using an ultralight rig he wore during the climb.

2011: 20 April: Daniel Arnold (Switzerland) solos the face in 2 hours 28 minutes, using the fixed ropes on the Hinterstoisser Traverse. Arnold was 19 minutes faster than Ueli Steck in 2008, but Steck climbed the route entirely without aid and, unlike Arnold, completed the route in the official winter season.

"Vertigo I can handle alright — It's horizonto that drives me nuts."

Don’t forget to Breathe

— Jim Lubell.

Don’t forget to smile

The Mountains of the Moon The ancient world had long been curious as to the source of the Nile, especially Ancient Greek geographers. A number of expeditions up the Nile failed to find the source.

Eventually a merchant named Diogenes reported that he had travelled inland from Rhapta in East Africa for twenty-five days and had found the source of Nile. He reported it flowed from a group of massive mountains into a series of large lakes. He reported the natives called this range the Mountains of the Moon because of their snow-capped whiteness.

These reports were accepted as true by Ptolemy and other Greek and Roman geographers, and maps he produced indicated the reported location of the mountains. Late Arab geographers, despite having far more knowledge of Africa, also took the report at face value, and included the mountains in the same location given by Ptolemy.

It was not until modern times that Europeans resumed their search for the source of the Nile. The Scottish explorer, James Bruce, who travelled to Gojjam in 1770, identified the Mountains of the Moon with Mount Amedamit, which he described surrounded the source of the Lesser Abay “in two semi-circles like a new moon ... and seem, by their shape, to deserve the name of mountains of the moon, such as was given by antiquity to mountains in the neighborhood of which the Nile was supposed to rise.” James Grant and John Speke in 1862 found that the source was not primarily in the mountains but rather in the Great Lakes. Henry Morton Stanley finally found glacier-capped mountains possibly fitting Diogenes’s description in 1889 (they had eluded European explorers for so long due to often being shrouded in mist). Today known as the Rwenzori Mountains, the peaks are the source of some of the Nile’s waters, but only a small fraction, and Diogenes would have crossed the Victoria Nile to reach them.

Many modern scholars doubt that these were the Mountains of the Moon described by Diogenes, some holding that his reports were wholly fabricated.

So given this information let us talk about the real mountains of the moon that Diogenes visited. Far more remote that anyone before perceived, cold as darkness itself, the mountains of the moon were far more obviously located, yet far more remote that thought possible. The Moon...

Come live with me, and be my love, And we will all the pleasures prove, That valleys, groves, hills, and fields, Woods, or steepy mountains yields.

- Christopher Marlowe Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

The source of this information is slightly insane but we believe them because we like that... ~New Splicer~ "Climbing is the only cure for gravity."

"Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks."

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

The breasts of Sheba You might think this would be funny, at least you’re thinking...

Not obvious, so a remarkable sight to behold... Sir Henry Rider Haggard came to me in King Solomon’s mines, this was the quest I sought out as a boy. Sheba’s breasts were the least of my troubles, but the start of this adventure, as they guided me along the path of the mountain.

My journey would lead me to discover things about the mind, the universe and that which I still seek. Allan Quatermain and Frederick Courteney Selous journeyed with diamonds and women; it was a different time or perhaps not. I wanted this life, this discovery, this mystery of the world and I found it within myself; with the simple question: who am I? This is all you need to ask, and constantly seek. The greatest adventure and treasure awaits within...

This has inadvertently shaped its own nature, my choices in life.. Simpley because I question, simply because I cannot help but question. It is my existence, it is my breath, my love, it is me...

There are still diamonds to hunt for, so onwards we go...

Not in the eye of every child; that would most certainly hurt and cause an arrest and rapid removal of “What Diamond, officer”; Sorry about your eye kid I was only trying to help... Where were you last looking before you lost sight in that eye (A kind question posed to seek out these diamonds)?

Here we go.

The kid spoke in riddles, possibly due to the lack of a diamond and now eye; ‘he kind of creeped me out now, but I listened on’.

“Mister, eye don’t know what you are talking about” In a Scottish accent, surprising... “look son” I showed him the Diamond that used to be where his eye now was not.

“Where did you get this, take me there and you can have your eye back.”

The boy looked at me with a slight fear, but also just enough greed to agree to take us.

“Aye” and our adventures began...

The first question key I asked when I was 7 years old was after the realisation that one day I would die. I wanted to know where we go after death and this is the wisdom that was imparted by my father [via Issac Assimov I believe]. Firstly, to calm my fears of death he said “Do you remember before you were born?

This is what death will be like.”

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

Then, on the matter of where we go after death; he described it like this “We began the world as recycled star dust and that will be where we end up one day again”... This was sufficient to stop me questioning, him at least, but it was only the beginning of my journey of answers. [I have since revised this theory to the equally realistic theory that my atoms came from whatever food my mum and dad used to eat. So that probably makes me a few chips, sausages, pasta and the other traditional foods of the UK circa 1979.

Although, at some point they will have come from stardust, but not in the immediate sense].

We were deep in the jungle; Selous was perspiring faster than he could drink. This was not a good sign, we needed to stop soon and find shelter. The land etched around the mountains, we were close and high; the altitude started to cool our ascent. The boy started to get nervous and begged for his diamond; we were close enough now that I could let him go. “An eye for an eye” I thanked him as he ran off with a warning...

“Veritas est in oculis aspicientis.” Latin with a Scottish accent, how odd.

Did he mean me? For all truth is relative to the one observing it and constant reassessment is required to find the answers for the current state. Having realised long ago that humans are simply an accident in this world and that we can only pursue our desires based the pleasure principle. I.e. we have no purpose so we may as well have some fun (This is my sense of the word is trying to discover how the universe works, how we work as organisms, how the mind works these are concepts that I feel are not pointless and they give my life meaning. Much as god gives other lives meaning, just in my opinion this life would be less fun).

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

“This is not about god.” shouted Selous “No, it is about many gods” I replied, as we rounded the crystal-clear waterfall, we saw the entrance to the mine. It was a good thing that I had swapped the boys eye for a cheap plastic imitation Diamante, I don’t think he noticed, at least not from what I could see. There stood Sheba, golden radiance of the true queen of Ethiopia reflected in the heart of King Solomon. A king at the mercy of love, but his heart was missing, dug out and empty now.

I could only stare as love faded and learn another lesson of life, you can only control your own heart. It is yours to give away and yours alone to keep – so I placed the diamond at Solomon’s breast as the path became clear. An ancient rumble opened the mountain like muffled thunder under heavy rain and light poured outwards to the heavens. We entered and left behind everything we once knew...

Diamond light is something spectacular that should be seen by all, as rare as the truest loves it shined into the room covering every gem imaginable. We had not come here for riches; money held no reign over those who seek out the truth. There it was, reflecting all that could see as long as you were willing to look beyond what your eyes could see.

“Stare deep into your soul and you shall find

Look inwards to your heart, it knows

In time all will unravel if you seek

To hold the reflection and discover yourself...”

This can take a lifetime, if you are lucky...

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

A unfriendly climb of a friend We set off in the morning and got to the can-hut after 8 hours after hiking.

The weather deteriorated during the night.

We continued climbing the following morning in winter conditions. We had summer gear.

I got frost bite high on the pillar, lost sensitivity in my feet, slipped and fell of the wall.

I injured my ankle, could not continue climbing.

It is very hard to retreat from that pillar; it is easier to climb up. We climbed 3500 m vertically in 36 hours, then I got injured.

We had to call the mountain rescue.

The Italian rescue team said to call back tomorrow it was too late for them. We were suffering from hypothermia.

The French rescue team came within 20 minutes, not even their side of the mountain.

We were airlifted of the vertical face, one by one, with the last person to be the French mountain rescue.

Later we discovered he just wanted to check out the mountain, he had never climbed that way before.

In less than an hour we were all safely drinking in the warm.

The Italians were fast asleep.

"Because it is there." — George Mallory (1886—1924) Don’t forget to Breathe

ITALY Don’t forget to smile

Blanc Mont , f f o g ed the tin ore set ds, we reach g f e b t s u Ju kin clo red in rs of hi is cove ut after 8 hou can-h

A unfriendly

clim

We set off from the bottom of that valey, 1000 m above the see level

Inside the can-hut, 4000 m above the sea level, we slept for 4 h and continued climbing the following

Freney Pillar, we got to the base of that tower close to the top of the pillar, upper left part of the photo 4h

ou

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aft

er

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of f

Sunrise seen from the base of the Freney pillar

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

The helicopter picked us up from that belay stance, I am very cold at that point, no socks, temp 5 below zero

mb of a frien

d

I fell off that crack on the left, almost hitting the ledge in this photo I am tryig to warm myself up, 4500 m above the sea level

The Italian side of Mont Blanc seen from the pillar

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

How to climb a mountain Or Other small obstacles I’m thinking of a wall, the insurmountable but attemptable fling with death, even the best die on this mountain. It is not pleasurable; it is just there and that is reason enough to climb. Although, for most it is a clear indication of insanity and a dam good reason to stay indoors.

I am going to climb my mountain; forgetting the obvious, that we all raced ahead of approximately 4 million sperm (how many geniuses did I pass on the way to existence?).

Oh and also completely forgetting the fact that I have never climbed before.

Dawn broke at base camp; excitement of the new was in the air as was the taste of smiles. We were a small troupe, six in total, young and eager for this adventure. Our family gave us mixed blessings, fear for our safety and contempt at our disregard for their feelings. Like most things in life, this was our story and not theirs, my folks understood this but secretly wished I were only half crazy and half like them, but also half like them.

The summit was currently not visible; perhaps it would go on for a lifetime, only one way of finding out. You might know that tingling feeling you get at the base of a mountain, before the frost bite, before the pain; it’s what makes the hardest climbs worth it; if you can escape with your life. I was naive and felt untouchable not even the gods could touch me.

We set out that morning, sun shining, good wind and ready for anything. I was the joker of the pack, so began singing songs about falling of high heights (as opposed to low ones). Smiles...

Everyone had a climbing buddy, with approximate strengths to each other and they were all good people, well good enough to tease. The early days flew by like so many years, even with all my jokes there was not a single argument. Perhaps a few heated debates as we pondered philosophy, what else does one do while climbing a mountain other than not look down and don’t let go!

Camping on rocks was never a soft thing, but you make do or pad your ass really well!

The higher up the harsher the environment became; we spoke less, as we all needed to concentrate. Reflection became a luxury we did not have; we just kept moving, otherwise the climb would end.

You've climbed the highest mountain in the world. What's left ? It's all downhill from there. You've got to set your sights on something higher than Everest.

- Willi Unsoeld Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

I was the strongest climber and the most driven to reach the top, but driven to do it with everyone. Then the first slip; we were on a vertical ledge with no room to move. We almost all fell together, but I held fast, tearing half my hand gripping the jagged rocks.

Fortunately, we were tied together like something from a film.

Imagine that fear, you hold in your hands everything that you love, stare in their eyes as they hung over the precipice. Heart stops, time does slow and for an instant you get a glimpse of the true nature of the universe. However, all too quickly this disappeared and I found myself a hero (most would do the same, I am but a man). That night, we all ate and smiled with the freedom of survival; all except myself for it was far too close to leave me untouched. Although, time has a funny way of eroding even the most potent memories.

After a few more days of climbing the smiles were gone, I looked at the troupe (was my memory better than theirs?). It was but only slightly, before long I would forget too.

I don’t recall joking too much during this time, nor was my face alight with smiles; I believe I sensed the future but chose to ignore it. As the snow started to fall and we were left with no way back and all we had was each other... Or not, I woke up and they were gone... Hopefully, not because of my terrible jokes but who knows, you start to question everything when you’re on a cold mountain by yourself. Then you start talking to yourself... Then you start talking back to yourself... Then you realise you’re crazy and start to help each other (also yourself).

Then that beautiful moment between no fear of death and a new love of life. The peak just like the weather becomes clear, oddly enough just at the same time you find your good friends again, but not all returned. A single hand to help you out of the snow is a new beginning; tentative at first I never believed my eyes. I smiled for the first time in ages. I told my friends to wait right here the mountain was mine alone.

Im not sure If I ever made it to the top but the decent has been beautiful, but not without its dangers; they are just no longer an uphill struggle.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

Olympus Oh, the gods of men are unfair, only at the moment they dessert you...

Mmmm Ice cream Sunday. Mused Thor, like butter would not melt in his mouth. It would, it would almost instantly vaporise. This meant Ice cream was a luxury and vice the gods often indulged in as mortals.

It is hard to respect a god, they are superior and you can never best a god. Ego then ensues, as generally does the bruised human ego shortly after. I am human, born of two humans and I am sure Zeus never sneaked into my mum’s bedroom all those years ago [although, I still wonder about the milkman]. I am a black sheep of the family, or more specifically a strawberry blond black sheep I see people and the universe, understand illogic and logic, illogically.

The gods had never touched me nor did I believe in them; hell, I would have bet money on that Jesus Christ dude being real! I ended up with Mercury, Poseidon, *sigh* Athena and all the other Greek gods!? Go figure. Perhaps, just in time to save their people? Who knows the motivation, but they returned and with a cool bang!

It was your usual end of the world stuff, swirling winds and dark clouds but the added touch of explosive rainbows! Who knew death and destruction could be so cute! Well unless you were the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, not pretty for long. It took just a weekend of magical dust, screaming sunrays and Mercury HgTM kisses [very bad] before the people of the world bowed to their new/old gods.

Those that did not die in the “demonstration not intended to harm too-many” as they called it, were left to suffer. Imagine this world: science – pointless, questions – pointless, freedom – pointless and heresy – well, short lived. It was always the will of the gods, whatever there will; men and women alike bowed in humiliation and served as slaves. The gods told us we were free to do anything we wished yet they predetermined every move we made!

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

Fortunately, for the whole of humanity and this story, there is a blind spot in omnipotence; unfortunately, for me I was the one who stumbled upon it. Figuratively, I danced across rainbows to shelter on that fateful night; the gods were present and prescient and knew the outcome before it had begun. Like the grand theatre act watched a thousand times, the heavens burned as the ash fell to the final curtain.

The Erinnyes did not hold my fate that night; it was held in the possession of a simple cow, mouth full of cud. Daisy, so typical in many ways chewed to oblivion even as I hid behind her hide. I was alone, in the non-biblical sense; this is when I noticed the entire field I found myself cowering in was a singe of Zeus’s wrath. Electric discharge and sparks still lit the smoking trees and rocks, yet here daisy and I gazed at each other. On that night I changed my whole outlook on the image of the docile cow, while outwardly true Daisy somehow knew or at the very least had no idea that the immediate area was toast. In her eyes lied the blind spot of the gods; I just had to figure out why in the name of Hades the cow was spared?

Thus under the shelter of many cows I began my research, starting with the Hindu gods who were the only other beings I knew that revered the cow.

Well, to cut a long silly story about cows down to a few lines it was all about the effects of dairy. In some form or other, we all build shrines to dairy; in the western world, this takes the form of Cadburys. The theory I arrived at was that the gods had put us on this earth because cows could not milk themselves [Just ask the ex-cow god Bovina what happened to her when she attempted such feat and failed]. We, after countless theories of life and the universe were milkmaids to the gods!

If I could curse them out of earshot, I would; so I didn’t.

I had something better in mind; I was going to climb mount Olympus [Now conveniently risen directly under Athens for show]. The hardest part turned out to be getting to Greece; I had to think of cows the entire trip! Shortly after this tale, I stopped eating chocolate...

If you don't let go, you can't fall off! - Jerry Moffat

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

The above image depicts my glorious rise to Olympus like the myths of old, peril and death should have awaited, yet here I am spared but without any conclusion. I had an answer of how to kill an immortal wait a long time. It’s all about the correct moment; mostly, by now, I just wanted to stop thinking about cows.

There as regular as any crazy person in the streets of London stood Zeus, golden helmet with ivory wings, first in line at the ice cream van.

That was all I needed, and with a 9mm pistol, I unloaded, into the father of the heavens, several shots as I was a terrible aim and hated ice cream.

ZEUS was severed from the heavens to start the ascent of man, all because of a strawberry ice cream cone and the mortal pleasure of its taste...

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

The fires of Mount Etna [Lyrics from the Album - My Mountain] As she burns in every smile Shines with every illusion Love is an endless reflection of you Wherever she lights the way I no longer see...

In my smile I can only imagine her pain...

Sleep across the world, it matters not in mind or location.

All positions without you are yours.

And it was in her fires like her eyes, that hold me

Save me from ... letting go In the fires of Mount Etna I breathe hot breath A part of everyone, not me... Thankfully..

Its why... I no longer need to die

As you disseminate into all I love...

I kiss you without your lips The taste of my friends, saves you... And me... from the Fires of Mount Etna and the fall...

Ruby hair flowing like Lady Godiva, not yours

A heart to last forever, not yours A lust to burn all of mankind, not yours

All mine to give away because it was not you.

Burning in the Fires of Mount Etna she waits To live and see that everyone is just a reflection of me...

I gather my shards, I play my cards Aware of the inescapable reality...

I smile from the fires of Mount Etna,

the fire I started one day...

Bob Wrongcock & Artist formerly known as Cymbal

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

Bob Wrongcock

My Mountain

Album Out Now In all good record stores

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’tforget forgettotosmile smile Don’t

Things I didn’t know about mountains until I climbed one In August 2011 I climbed Mt Kilimanjaro. Here’s what I leant. – Victoria S 1)

You can see the whole sky

I live in London and see maybe five stars on a clear night. But on a mountain, even a little one; you can see pretty much every single star, planet, universe. Seriously. The Milky Way looks like someone took a spray can to the night sky. It’s beyond glorious.

There are satellites up there and everything. Singing ‘Star Man’ at the top of my voice never felt so fabulous.

2)

Strangers are happy to see you

I don’t know whether this is true of other outdoor activities but people who climb mountains seem to like to talk to each other. About why they’re doing it, what other peaks they’ve done, what they do in real life and what other mountains they want to climb.

This all leads to great conversations with complete strangers. Imagine if we behaved like this on the tube!

3)

Peeing at 17,000ft is awesome

I love bathrooms. To me, they’re the height of affordable luxury. Loo paper, soap, running water. Divine. But they completely pale in comparison with taking a pee on the side of a mountain. The views, the fresh air and profound relief (it’s sometimes hard to find a suitable spot) take what is normally a fairly mundane bodily function to a whole other level of enjoyment. Sublime.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

4)

Mountains are really big

Okay, so I knew that mountains were big. I just didn’t know how very big they are. Ones like Kili are so big there’s practically no oxygen at the top. Well, maybe a little. Some people will tell you that it’s like breathing through a gym sock. But this isn’t right. The air goes in and comes out fine, it’s just that nothing happens. It’s more like drinking decaffeinated coffee when all you need is a hit of espresso.

5)

You’re allowed to eat heaps of chocolate

And flapjacks and nuts and sweets. Bloody brilliant. All these deliciously wonderfully calorific things are suddenly okay, actively encouraged even, when climbing a mountain. Yes, they keep you going but mostly it’s just so much fun to eat them without a care in the world. Breaking the habit when you get home and need to go on an expedition to the local shop is another matter.

6)

Throwing rocks at other rocks is really good fun

After a hard day’s work I like to come home, watch a bit of telly, make the odd phone call and perhaps have some internet fun time. But it turns out you can’t do these things easily on the side of a mountain. So we took to building elaborate rock palaces, only to lob other rocks at them in an effort to knock them over. Hours of amusement and fun for the whole campsite, at least until it got dark.

7)

Your guide is your hero

Climbing mountains like Kili generally involve you placing your well-being into the hands of someone who knows the terrain like the back of their hand but doesn’t know you from Adam. But they quickly become your favourite person on the planet. Because they want you to have the best time and they want you to succeed. They are like having a really nice, patient, reassuring personal trainer. Who also happens to be a botanist, astrologer and zoo keeper.

Heroes, every single one of them.

"Where does all the white go when the snow melts ?"

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

So what trouble do we get into for next time?

New Splicer has SPIES, working within every organisation.

No subject to ridiculous, no story to tall, no tail to long!

Next Issue we get a little “Faulty Towers of the Tourist world”!

With an Exposé and adventure through the Tunisia Tourism Board and onto the delights of the desert paradise itself!

Come join us if your dare.

Appoligies if you have already booked!

This may prove a usless guide... ~New Splicer~

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile

~NEW SPLICER~ Volume 3.6 August 2012

In this issue Topic of the month: Tunisia Tourism Board...

The ancient city of Carthage Tozeur, Mos Espa & Tatooine...

Red Lizard train The Phoenicians...

The jewel of the mediterranean... and much more!

‫ال‬ ‫ىسنت‬ ‫سفنتت نأ‬ Don’t forget to Breathe

forget to smile ‫ال‬Don’t ‫ىسنت‬ ‫مستبت نأ‬

Toast Marketing board

Anywhere, Anytime, aNY Height.

Don’t forget to Breathe

Don’t forget to smile