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FAILING CREATIVELY BY LISA WAGNER

WHAT YOU ENVISIONED MAY NOT BE IDEAL We all hate to fail. I feel as though I once held the title for “Worst at Handling Flops.” Not something I wanted to do as a lifelong member. I’ve had to do an intensive, lifelong pursuit of how to not be good at something and then be okay with it. Especially when I am fully in the piece or moment, I am incredibly committed to getting it right and kicking butt in the process. Not always attainable, I know. But I have built a resilience to not always being great at everything I attempt while remembering to have fun along the way. In talking with other creators and entrepreneurs, it’s a common affliction. But why? I can only speak for myself and my own inner turmoil about my perfectionism. Is there anyone harder on ourselves then us? I am my worst critic. I stare at pieces either in the works or done years ago and can pick them apart if left to my own devices unchecked. It has led me down paths that left me feeling less than and as if I was the ultimate failure at all things I had ever attempted. Until I heard Eckhart Tolle once on Oprah talking about his inner dialogue and realizing it was his ego playing tricks on him. Making him feel as though there was no point in anything he had tried. So, what pulled him out of that mental health death spiral of self-talk? He took a step back and wondered who was that voice? What were its origins and 374

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why the continual tearing down of any confidence or joy he had felt? Once he tapped into the fact that it wasn’t truly him; that it was something that didn’t want the best for him, it allowed Eckhart to see that it was just his ego making life its own living hell. Separating ourselves from that voice and from expectations sanctions our deepest selves to allow for being just who we are. That it really stems from our misalignment with love. When

time that I have chosen to put that type of expectation on my artwork or even in writing these articles, the work suffers and typically exasperates me to the point of complete frustration and unhappiness. So, what if I just started throwing paint at the canvas because it felt good and right? If it gave me joy just in the doing? Or just started to type and trust what came out on the page? It’s such a freeing process to let go, stop listening to my ego and at least try or to begin at all. I’m sure it certainly helps being in my 50’s to not care quite as much as I did in my early years. I desperately wanted to be satisfactory to whomever I thought cared or was looking. It kept me up at night and made me exceedingly unhappy. I never felt as if I was enough. That what I put out into the world wasn’t worthy of anyone’s time or attention. I ran after something I thought I had to do or be instead of finding joy in what was already there.

we are able to see that we can actually fail and do so creatively, the world of possibilities to grow and build our spirit opens our hearts and minds. It also builds a beautiful elasticity to our not so perfect moments and/or creations. There is an allowance to just be and fully express what is in our hearts exactly as it is asking to be expressed. I look back at how I had hoped my work would end up looking like or what I thought would be ideal. Every

Keep in mind that I don’t consider myself to have a particular secular leaning. My heart just bends towards something smarter and larger than me; like a sunflower leaning towards the light. Something that loves me unconditionally and resides inside of me, in the depths of my soul that I can’t particularly name, paint or describe. But what I know is that it is where my compass should have been pointed all along. How much pain and grief that would have eased for me?! How many years of feeling less than