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September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 1


, We reTurningTwo! (thanks to you)

Announcing Our 2 Year Anniversary Celebration! Customer Appreciation Specials All Week • Sept 9-16

Sun 9/9 - Thurs 9/13

Mention this ad & receive $2 Btl of House Wine (min 2 person, 2 entree order; limit 1 btl per table per visit)

Sat 9/15 - 11am-2pm

Brunch Bloody Brunch - $22 allyou-can-eat & 2 cent bloody marys w/anniversary brunch purchase

Sat 9/15 - 7-9pm

Owners At Your Service - Jackson, Kevin & Mark serve you dinner & all tips go to charity

Sun 9/16 - 3-5pm

Sunday Phunday Bartending Competition - benefitting One N Ten QHIgh Scholarship Fund

Complete Anniversary Details Online @ blissonfourth.com

Lunch. Happy Hour. Dinner. Late Night. Weekend Brunch. blissonfourth.com 602.795.1792

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blissrebar

@blissrebar

foursquare.com/blissrebar

www.IONAZ.com September 2012

Air-cooled, shaded & misted patio. Air-conditioned indoor pub & restaurant seating.


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2-4 -1

AY EVE4pRmY-8pD m

MANICmondays

FOOTBALL & POKER Poker games start at 6PM & 8PM

With FREE Hot Dogs & Chili! FREE BAD-BEAT JACKPOT & OTHER AMAZING PRIZES!

$2 WELLS & DOM. BEER BOTTLES @ 8pm

$4 SKYY MARTINIS @ 8pm

KARAOKE @ 9:30pm

Always something g oing on...

{Ice Pics’ Legendary 2-4-1 2pm-8pm

S U N D AY S

SHOWTUNES SUNDAY The BEST of Broadway & Movie Musicals!

{T U E S D AY S Star ting at 9pm

Hosted By

GOGO BOYS!

AMATEUR NIGHT

Do you have what it takes to be our next dancer?

} {T H U R S D AY S undie night F R I D AY S } {S AT U R D AY S Star ting at 9pm

W E D N E S D AY S

Star ting at 9pm

On-site Undie Sale first and last Thursdays.

hosted by LADY GODIVA

AWESOME DRINK SPECIALS!

2-4-1 Wells & Dom. Bottles when you’re in your undies!

Star ting at 9pm

PARTY WITH THE HOTTEST BOYS! Sexy GoGo Boys DJ URBAN Spinning $4 Long Islands $3 Well Cocktails $250 Dom. Bottles Shot Specials! NEVER A COVER!!!

M AT FRIE DAYS

4pm-9pm

Buy a $5 cup of Miller Light or Bud Lite and get 50¢ REFILLS!!!

For the latest events, specials and show times, visit:

/icepics • www.icepicsvideobar.com


SATURDAY SHOWS @ 10pm

A Touch of Starring

SEPT. 1ST & SEPT. 15th

Maraya Jordan SEPT. 8th & SEPT. 22th

SKYY COCKTAILS DURING SATURDAY SHOWS! TUES. SEPT. 18TH @ 9:00pm

HOT for TEACHER

•Live DJ! •Dancing!

NO COVER

HOT GOGO MEN!

$4 STOLI DRINKS!

SUNDAY SEPT. 9 th @ 8:00pm

MR. GAY ARIZONA USofA

A benefit show for AZ’s contestants headed to Nationals!

SUNDAY SEPT. 25th @ 8:00pm Dallas presents the first-annual

mr.icepics competition

Hosted by Oliver Town with performances by Geo and Ish visit icepicsvideobar.com for more info. and entry details.

Now Performing TWO Shows!

THURS, SEPT. 13th @ 10:00pm SUN, SEPT. 30th @ 8:00pm

STRUT THE MEN OF

ALL-MALE REVIEW $4 STOLI DRINKS! Hosted by

OLIVER TOWN

SUNDAY SEPT. 2nd @ 9:00pm

THE BIG, THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL

STARRING: KAYLA KRAWFORD, SOPHIA SINCLAIR & WINNIE GOEZINYA

2

$ 00

KS & WELL DRTIN BEERS E L T DOM.BO

602.267.8707 3108 East McDowell

Daily, 10am to 4pm

RED DEVIL next door for call-in lunch & food orders!


ANNIVERSARY WEEKEND

More

ROSCOE’S

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com


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THE ANVIL BAR

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ............................................ ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com

eader

Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Don Thompson Danny Catt Cover photo by Fernando Hernandez National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

A LEADER keeps their friends and themselves SAFE when OUT on the town. Be Safe Out. Don’t over drink. Learn more at: www.facebook.com/safeout

This program is funded through Magellan Health Services of Arizona.

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Robert Hoffman Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2012: 17 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2012 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Bliss/Rebar What’s Nirvana? Nothing happens next; this is it! In that case, make sure you go to Bliss/ Rebar and celebrate the Power of Two—by that we mean their 2nd Anniversary Celebration all week, September 9-16! Enjoy a Week of Zensational specials, events and fun! 901 N. 4th St. Phone: 602-795-1792 See ad on p. 2

Dining with the Divas Omelettes, bacon & eggs, quiche, hash browns and little slice of cantaloupe along with performances by Ajia Simone, Lady Christian, Olivia Gardens and Piper M. Shay add a certain spice to “Dining with the Divas.” This brunch benefits 1n10. Seatings at 11 a.m. & 1:30 p.m. on Sunday, September 23. Oh, and did we mention All-U-Can Drink Mimosas? We knew that’d get you! Tix at OnenTen.org. See ad on p. 40

Sedona & Verde Valley Pride Wander up to the North for the Sedona/Verde Valley 2012 Pride in the heart of Arizona! Our friendly neighbors are eager to show off their hospitality and their community at the foot of the majestic Red Rocks in Old Town Cottonwood. Mark your calendars for Saturday, September 29 from 11 a.m.-6 p.m. For more information visit SedonaGayPride.org See ad on p. 34

Phoenix Sunfish Pool Party Join in the fun for the annual End of Summer Meltdown Pool Party with the Phoenix Sunfish Gay & Lesbian Aquatics Club! There’s plenty of sunshine, that’s for sure! It all happens on Sunday, September 30 from 1-5 p.m. at the Phoenix Place Hotel & Suites (formerly the Raddison Hotel) at 3600 N. 2nd Ave. in Phoenix. For more info visit PHXsunfish.org See ad on p. 54 16

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Phoenix Pride Rainbows Fest Celebrate! It’s time for the Rainbows Festival October 6 & 7 along with OUT Day at Heritage Square near 7th and Monroe with food, vendors, suppliers, services, organization & city information and live entertainment! Visit PhoenixPride.org for more info.

10.6.12 - 10.7

SEPTEMBER 2012 ION EVENTS LISTINGS

DATE EVENT LOCATION CITY Everyday 2-4-1 beer/well OZ Bar Phoenix Sundays Football Roscoe’s Phoenix Sundays Kegger & Strippers Club 24 Phoenx Weds. Undie Night Club 24 Phoenix Weds. Pounder Wednesdays Rocoe’s Phoenix Thurs. 2-4-1 All Day Bar1 Phoenix 8 AML Blackout The Anvil Phoenix 9-16 2nd Anniversary Bliss/Rebar Phoenix 14 Bearracuda The Rock Phoenix 9 Mr. Gay Arizona icepics videobar Phoenix 14-16 Fiesta Patrias Karamba Phoenix 14-16 SW Leather Daddy Bear NuTowne Saloon Phoenix 15 Hanky Fetish Night The Anvil Phoenix 18 Mustache Ride icepics videobar Phoenix 21 Tribute to Rocio Durcal Karamba Phoenix 22 Toga Party BS West Scottsdale 23 Dining with the Divas Harley’s Bistro Phoenix 25 Mr. icepics Contest icepics videobar Phoenix 29 Phx Boys of Leather The Anvil Phoenix 29 Project Hardhat AIDS Walk Benefit Bunkhouse Phoenix 29 Sedona/Verde Valley Pride Old Town Cottonwood 30 End Of Summer Meltdown Phx Place Hotel Phoenix OCTOBER 4 Madonnalogues The Rock Phoenix 6-7 Rainbows Festival Downtown Phoenix

Heritage Square Park 10am - 6pm FREE Admission phoenixpride.org

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Nadya Ginsburg’s

Madonnalogues by Ted Kirby 20 Deon www.IONAZ.com by Brown

September 2012


B

efore Madge visits Phoenix, a prologue to the Material Girl’s concert will be a live performance by the comedy star Nadya Ginsburg, featuring her spectacular show Madonnalogues. Let’s see what Nadya has in store for us and discusses Madonna & Cher, what comedy means to her, and her reaction being called the “Woman of 1000 Voices!” Get ready for Nadya to “Express Herself.” ION: Hello Nadya! We’re excited you’re coming to Phoenix. Tell us, what’s a Madonnalogue? Nadya Ginsburg: Thanks so much! I’m excited to be hitting The Rock with my proverbial cock out too! Woo Hoo! Madonnalogues is a no holes-barred evening (and yes, I’m referring to both Madonna and Cher’s vaginas) of celebrity skewering, original characters, multi-media and song. There are literally holes for the whole family! ION: How do you master the nuances of people you impersonate? Have Madonna and Cher commented on them? NG: It’s something you’re born with. My Hippy parents tell me when I was little they would have parties and I would imitate the way everyone danced—but that might have just been the product of a contact high. I’m a fan of both Madge and Cher, but I’m fascinated by all people. I love figuring out what makes people tick, what scares and inspires them. FYI: what scares Madonna and Cher are women under 35 and what inspires them are swarthy uncut men under 25 who don’t shave their balls. I have heard through the Gay grapevine both divas have seen my videos but I don’t know for sure. Just heard Cher is marrying a 42-year-old Hells Angel Biker. Thank you comedy gods! Madonna recently did a video with Lola for September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 21


her “Material Girl Search” and I was flooded with comments from people saying she was imitating me, imitating her. Who knows? If they did it would obviously be a huge compliment and I’m sure they’re both smart enough to realize that it’s all showbiz and wouldn’t be offended. ION: You’re called, “The Woman of 1000 Voices,” how does that resonate with you? NG: I’ve been able to use my voice in this new era of YouTube where artists, like me, are able to connect with people and show the Powers That Be in the entertainment industry what programming we want to watch. I found my voice first as a stand up, but that was the late 90’s and at the time the stand-up scene was uninspiring. So I studied improvisation and ran off with the freaks, cutting my comedy teeth alongside talents such as Amy Poehler and The Upright Citizens’ Brigade, Zach Galifianakis and “Gay Pimp” Jonny McGovern. During this time I started doing the impressions and original characters that are now my bread and butter. So many times industry has said, “You’re talented but we don’t know how to sell you.” With YouTube, it’s possible for me to show the industry how— by selling myself, which kind of makes me a whore. But I don’t think we should knock the world’s oldest profession, which brings us back to Madonna. ION: You’ve been sharing your comedic genius by writing material for TV and Hollywood celebrities; what makes you laugh? NG: Often times when I’m blind with anger I’ll be seriously struggling to make my point and quiet little voice tells me that there is some very funny shit happening. Once in an argument with an ex-boyfriend I found myself yelling “You know what? 22

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You shouldn’t treat me that way! I’m a nice lady! DO YOU HEAR ME? (louder) I’M A NICE … (louder) LADY!” All the while sounding like someone who would probably eat a baby. I love when things are funny but you can’t figure out why. Like, why is it funny when someone falls down? Because it’s not you? Yes, of course, but why else? Maybe that’s why I love being a comedian, because those riddles never unravel so the journey never ends. ION: What are you working on currently and what’s next? NG: Aside from working on “Fashion Police” writing for Joan Rivers, I’m launching a weekly Madonnalogues VLOG on YouTube, planning a U.S. and European tour, and like everyone else in Hollywood, I’m working on screenplays, pilots and my core ... oh ... and my Kegels. I’m doing them right now so that I’ll be hitting AZ tight and all right! I think Madonna would be proud.

You can catch Nadya’s hysterical videos online at NadyaGinsburg. com and on YouTube! Checkout her Madonnalogues on Thursday, October 4 at 9 p.m. at THE ROCK. For reservations call 602-248-8559 or visit TheRockDMphoenix.com


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Big Wheels

Keep on Turnin’ Josh Rivers Shares his Story

by Deon Brown Photos by Fernando Hernandez 24 www.IONAZ.com September 2012


I

t seems like everybody knows Josh Rivers. His smiling face is a staple at the best drag shows in town. At 24, Josh is like any other young guy. He likes movies, video games, working out. Except for one thing. Josh got caught in the middle of random gunfire at the hands of a madman on December 26, 2010 when he went to a club with his boyfriend, Tony. Josh survived. Sadly, Tony wasn’t so lucky. Shot three times, Josh still has a bullet lodged in his spine that doctors are afraid to touch, and that bullet paralyzed him from the waist down. This would get almost anybody else down. Not Josh. “I definitely appreciate life everyday,” Josh says. His YouTube video telling his story has nearly 6,000 views. Now, the insurance has been exhausted, but Josh isn’t. Josh discovered a rehabilitative device called the Bioness L300+ that fits over his leg, and replaces the electronic impulses from his brain that don’t otherwise translate through his spine to move his legs. With the help of the Bioness L300+ Josh can start to walk again. But the Bioness L300+ comes with the hefty price tag of a whopping $11,000. Josh and his friends have been hard at work raising money for the device. Now it’s time for the community to chip in and help Josh with the costs, the expensive physical therapy required, and the $2,000 to refit his car so he can drive again. Josh’s story has been featured

on local 3TV and CBS news affiliates, and his Twitter shout-outs to attract Lady Gaga’s eye reached the 6th top trending Tweets worldwide. You can help! Come to BS West for GagaPalooza on Sunday, September 9 at 7 p.m. with special guest host, Morgan McMichaels from RuPaul’s Drag Race season 2 and a surprise guest. The dress code: Gaga! There’ll be a Best Outfit contest, raffle and auction. There’s no cover, but donations are suggested and appreciated. Morgan McMichaels posted “I can’t wait to meet such a strong person! Your determination will take you to success in your goals; we are going to turn the party!” on Josh’s Facebook page. Another fundraiser will be Wednesday, September 26 at The Rock with special guest stars Shangela and Latrice Royale from RuPaul’s Drag Race, the Men of Strut, Scandalesque and the cast of “Snatch!” VIP tickets are $30 and all proceeds go toward Josh’s rehabilitation. Josh’s friends Anthony Morgan, Edward Castro and ArizonaDrag.com, Scott “Pandora” Pierce and others put their shoulders to the wheel to help. If you’d like to help, come to these special events and check out Josh’s fundraising page at IndieGoGo.com/ help-Josh-Walk to donate and see his story online. www.IONAZ.com 25


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FRIDAY NIGHT

OZ BAR

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Oct. 17 | 7pm Reserved seating on sale 9/15

General admission seating FREE with Fair admission. Ticketmaster and the Coliseum Box Office are the official ticketing outlets for the 2012 Arizona State Fair Concert Series. Information subject to change.

28 Dates: www.IONAZ.com September 2012 Mondays & Tuesdays | azstatefair.com/concerts Fair Oct. 12 - Nov. 4 • Closed


Fiona Apple The skinny Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter and pianist—who is also, coincidentally, vegan—brings her jazzy, alternative-y sound to the Mesa Arts Center on Tuesday, September 18 where she’ll sing a bunch of jazzy, alternative-y skinny girl songs. 1 E. Main St. For tix go to MesaArtsCenter.com or call 480-644-6500

Justin Bieber The kid’s Lesbian-ish mop top is gone, but the Canadian TweenyBopper is growing up—and he still can be your boyfriend. Well, except for that pesky Selena Gomez girlfriend thing. Catch Bieber Fever on Saturday, September 29 at the Jobing.com Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tix call go to TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Jason Mraz The mellow, laid-back, super-baked, pop-rock/reggae surfer dude puts away the chipwiches and comes back to charm the audiences. And don’t worry ... no doubt he’ll sing, “I’m Yours.” Catch “Mr. A-Z” at the US Airways Center at 201 E. Jefferson. For tickets visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

SEPTEMBER 2012 ION Concert Calendar DATE 4 13 14 18 18 19 21 21 23 25 26 27 29 29 29 30 10/2 10/5

ARTIST LOCATION Crosby, Stills & Nash Symphony Hall Matisyahu Pepsi Amphitheatre Blood, Sweat & Tears Wild Horse Pass Pretty Lights Comerica Theatre Fiona Apple Mesa Arts Center Wilco Tucson Music Hall Joe Walsh Talking Stick Resort Merle Haggard Wild Horse Pass Toto Talking Stick Resort Red Hot Chili Peppers Jobing.com Arena Il Volo Comerica Theatre Psychedelic Furs Wild Horse Pass Neil Diamond U.S. Airways Center Justin Bieber Jobing.com Arena Pat Metheny Mesa Arts Center Train Comerica Theatre Jason Mraz US Airways Center Melissa Etheridge Wild Horse Pass

PHONE 800-745-3000 866-9PROTIX 877-840-0457 602-379-2888 480-644-6500 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 877-840-0457 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-379-2888 877-840-0457 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-644-6500 602-379-2888 800-745-3000 877-840-0457

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New?

T

here’s more! Check out new stuff from Melissa Etheridge, Matchbox 20, Mumford & Sons, Dave Matthews Band, the XX, Green Day and No Doubt dropping on September 25.

P!NK

Truth About Love Who says you can’t create an album out of happiness? On P!NK’s sixth studio album we find this beloved artist singing about love, good times and optimism. Back is long time collaborator Max Martin, and first time producer Greg Kurstin (Lilly Allen, RHCP’s). P!INK shows that Life is a balance of love, darkness, hope, sadness and joy. Eminem and the bubbly Lily Allen guest star with the punky, poppy, pixie rocker. Lead single “Blow Me a Kiss” proves safe with what we’ve grown to expect but it’s with the somber “Beam Me Up” where we sense a musicality that P!NK vowed to give her fans. GRADE: B

The Killers

Battle Born It’s been four years since their last release and after solo projects from three of the four members didn’t take. Where Day & Age was an attempt at commercial pop, Battle Born combines elements of those underlying hooks with storytelling lyrics and instrumental details of their previous two albums. “Runaway” is an 80s throwback with a rock tinge, while the best track “Miss Atomic Bomb” proves to be another “Mr. Brightside” combining elements of “Forever Young.” “Heart of a Girl”—a track showing the vulnerability of Flowers’ tender soul. GRADE: B-

Pet Shop Boys

Elysium Much in the way Behavior changed this duo’s style, Elysium offers a 180 degree departure. Though still very electronic, Elysium shows that there is much tenderness and muscle in the warmer, deeper sides of Electronica. Grammy winner Andrew Davison (Kanye West) is the main producer, and although the Boys don’t go “rap,” the unexpected downtempo is noticeable. Lead single “Winner” is a good intro to this album’s direction, but it’s the mid-tempo and stylish opener “Leaving” and the closer “Requiem” that sound best. If you need old school Boys, find solace in the anthemic “Face Like That.” GRADE: B-

The Presets

Pacifica This is their third album and first in four years. Though not a household name, this Aussie band lived in glory with their last release, Apocalpyso, which was my #2 album of 2008. Though the time off appears to be ill-timed, the mention of this review should make you get familiar with the masterpiece from 2008. Where that album soared, this album lacks cohesion and a swagger that was—and still is—so cutting edge to their last one. Lead single “Youth in Trouble” with its dubstep pulses raises some apprehension for the get-go. However, second offering “Ghosts” proves decent and gives a better example of this album’s direction. Although it takes some getting used to with its pub-like, beer-like sing-along feel. Grade: C+

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THE FIGHT IS ON! Purchase a $5 BAR FIGHT AGAINST AIDSTM Red Ribbon at one of the sponsoring bars below. Proceeds benefit Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS. 2

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ENDS

R 30 EMBE

SEPT

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CLUB 24 CRUISIN’ 7TH NU-TOWNE PLAZMA THE ROCK ROSCOE’S

Special Thanks to: Apollo’s, Bar 1, Bunkhouse and Friends for their earlier support.

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BAR FIGHT Sept ad 2012.indd

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8/28/2012, 1:31 PM


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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Keep the Lights On Starring: Thure Lindhardt, Zachary Booth, Julianne Nicholson Documentary filmmaker, Erik Rothman (Lindhardt, Into the Wild), and closeted lawyer, Paul Lucy (Booth, Damages) decide to have a fling in Manhattan. Soon, however, they realize they have a much deeper connection and embark on a decade-long relationship with one another that is marked by dysfunction and fueled by drugs and sex. Written and directed by Ira Sachs, Keep the Lights On is a story about struggling to find oneself in the midst of an allconsuming, unhealthy relationship, and how—despite the love we may share for one another—toxic we can be. Release Date: 09/07  

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Starring: Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller, Paul Rudd Based on the epistolary novel of the same name by Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is both

narrated by, and about, Charlie (Lerman, 3:10 to Yuma), a freshman in high school struggling to overcome his intense shyness and overwhelming loneliness. Befriended by openly gay Patrick (Miller, City Island) and his manic-pixie dream girl sidekick, Sam (Watson, Harry Potter franchise), Charlie is the fictional embodiment of all the angst, frustration and confusion inherent in being a hormonal teenager. Paul Rudd co-stars as Charlie’s English teacher. Release Date: 09/21  

Pitch Perfect

Starring: Anna Kendrick, Brittany Snow, Anna Camp, Rebel Wilson On the heels of the overwhelming success of the TV show, Glee, comes the new film, Pitch Perfect. Starring Anna Kendrick (50/50, Up in the Air), Pitch Perfect tells the story of how recent high school graduate Beca (Kendrick) finds herself joining a misfit group of girls in an A Capella group at her new college. Despite their differences off-stage, the girls are magnificently harmonious on-stage, which inspires Beca to encourage them to eschew their old song standards in favor of something more modern. Directed by Jason Moore, the force behind Broadway’s smash hit, Avenue Q, expect a lot of song, heart and—of course—misbehavior. Release Date: 10/05 September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 35


by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

High School Never Ends Revenge: Season One

(2011)

Starring:  Emily VanCamp, Madeleine Stowe, Gabriel Mann, Nick Wechsler, Josh Bowman What do you get when you take a 19th century novel, make the protagonist a female and set it in present day, serialize it into a TV show and staff it with writers who learned their craft from watching re-runs of Melrose Place? You get ABC’s hour-long drama, Revenge. Based on Alexandre Dumas’ novel of wrongful imprisonment and vengeance, The Count of Monte Cristo, starring Brothers & Sisters alum, Emily VanCamp, as Emily Thorne, the beguiling new neighbor to the wealthy and powerful Graysons, Victoria (Stowe, The Last of the Mohicans) and Conrad (Henry Czerny). Emily manages to infiltrate their family by way of their son, Daniel (Bowman), but with an agenda far darker than socialclimbing or gold-digging. Emily isn’t really Emily at all; rather, she’s Amanda Clarke, the daughter of former Grayson Global employee, David Clarke who was framed by the Graysons for crimes their company committed years earlier. Amanda’s back in town and hell-bent on eradicating everyone guilty for her father’s wrongful imprisonment and death. To do this, she must balance going to parties overflowing with back-stabbing socialites that mask their emotions with disingenuous smiles and eyes slitted in suspicion and spending her downtime watching old

CourtTV videos, re-reading her father’s journals, and keeping a paper trail so comprehensive, she might as well turn herself in now. Despite the fact that its melodramatic writing has made it the inspiration for the greatest drinking game ever (Wes Bergman’s “Take Revenge On Your Liver”™), there’s something very delicious about climbing into the trash of the well-groomed Grayson clan. Season One now available on DVD.  

Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion (1997)

Starring: Lisa Kudrow, Mira Sorvino, Janeane Garofalo, Camryn Manheim In less diabolical tale about revenge comes the 15th anniversary edition of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion. Romy (Sorvino, Mighty Aphrodite) and Michele (Kudrow, Friends) are totally BFF’s. When they find out from a former classmate, Heather (Garofalo, The Truth About Cats & Dogs), that their 10-year reunion is coming up, they hatch a plan to impress their former classmates and tormenters. Halfway into the reunion, their ruse is exposed and the girls, unwilling to play into their humiliation, decide to just be themselves and ultimately fold scarves. Alan Cumming, Camryn Manheim, and Julia Campbell co-star. Now available on Blu-Ray. September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 37


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Anjelah Johnson “Have it your way but don’t get crazy!” MADtv’s funny lady Anjelah Johnson brings the attitude-a-plenty Bon Qui Qui and tales from “Beautiful Nail” Vietnamese nail salon to StandUp Live Phoenix. “SecURRRity!” Catch her September 7-8. For more info and tickets visit StandUpLive.com or call 480-719-6100

Parallel Lives A hysterical romp with two actresses playing everyday men and women struggling through the baffling, idiosyncratic chores of day-to-day life. Written and originally performed by the daffy Mo Gaffney and Kathy Najimy and called “The Kathy & Mo Show.” Funny stuff, thanks to Nearly Naked Theatre. For tix call 602-254-2151 or visit NearlyNakedTheatre.org

The Agony & Ecstasy of Steve Jobs The late CEO of Apple and his obsessions shaped our lives. Playwrite Mike Daisey, traveled all the way to China to investigate the factories where millions toil to make iPhones and iPads. The dangerous journey to Foxconn, the factory in China where most of the world’s electronic gadgets are produced and shines a light on our love affair with our devices and the human cost of creating them. Actors Theatre at Herberger Theatre, 222 E. Monroe. For tix call 602-252-8497 or visit ATPHX.org

SEPTEMBER 2012 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 7-8 Anjelah Johnson StandUpLive-Phoenix 13-15 Jim Breuer StandUpLive-Phx 14-29 Punkplay Stray Cat Theatre thru 15 Parallel Lives Nearly Naked Theatre 15 49 Laughs Wild Horse Pass 19-10/14 Spamalot Phoenix Theatre 21-10/7 Seussical Mesa Encore Theatre 21-10/7 Agony & Ecstacy of Steve Jobs Actors Theatre 21-22 The Wayans Brothers StandUp Live-Phx 22 Jerry Seinfeld Comerica 29 Bill Maher Comerica 10/4 Nadya Ginsburg’s Madonnalogues The Rock

PHONE 480-719-6100 480-719-6100 480-634-6435 602-254-2151 877-840-0457 602-254-2151 480-644-6501 602-252-8497 480-719-6100 602-379-2888 602-379-2888 602-248-8559

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GagaPalooza C’mon, Little Monsters! Put your paws up and just dance! It’s GagaPalooza! Wear your best Gaga gear because there’s a costume contest plus raffles, prizes and more! RuPaul’s Drag Race queen Morgan McMichaels hosts an event joining the greatest queens in Phoenix who join forces in a fundraiser for Josh Rivers. It all happens at BS West on Sunday, September 9 at 7 p.m. 7125 E. 5th Ave. Scottsdale. Ph: 480-945-9025 BSwest.com

SEPTEMBER 2012 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Sun 2 5:00pm Doubletree Hotel, Tucson Invasion of the 50 Ft. Glamazons Sun 2 8:00pm Apollo’s ArizonaDrag.com Presents...Showtime at Apollo’s Talent Show Mon 3 4:00pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Annual Labor Day Show Fri 7 10:00pm The Rock Chad Michaels Sun 9 8:00pm Apollo’s Tequila nights with Tyra Marie & Grecia Montes D’Occa Sun 9 7:00pm The Rock Chad Michaels Sun 16 8:00pm Apollo’s The Cougar Cabaret Sun 23 8:00pm Apollo’s Miss Gay AZ Fundraiser for Di Va & Olivia Gardens Sun 23 11 & 1:30 Harley’s Bistro Dining With the Divas Wed 26 9:00pm The Rock Coming Together to Grant A Wish w/ Latrice Royale Sat 10/6 Karamba Ruby, Diamond, and Savannah Host Karamba’s 8th Anniversary WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 10:00pm Charlie’s Barbra Seville w/ Strippers! Mondays 10:00pm Apollo’s Naughty or Nice Bingo Tuesdays 8:00pm BS West Stars of Tomorrow Season 7 Wednesdays 9:00pm IBT’s Viva La Diva with Janee Star Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba Barbra Seville Wednesdays 9:00pm The Rock Open Wide Wednesdays Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Thursdays 10:30pm Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Fridays 9:00pm IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Fridays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Miss Dottie Pepper Fridays 9:00pm BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Saturdays 9:00pm IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams Saturdays 10:00pm The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 10:00pm icepics The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Saturdays 9:30pm Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper Sundays 8:30pm Apollo’s Rotating Drag Shows every week! Sundays 8:30pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30pm Karamba Diamond’s Show September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 41


Fresh. Fun. FEZ. $3 Daily Drink Specials Cool Inside & Out Expanded New Menu

A Central Phoenix Original

Lunch. Dinner. Late Night. Weekend Brunch. fezoncentral.com • 3815 N. Central Avenue

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Iescaping t’s hard to believe that after barely the wrecking ball at the hands

of the City, and years of waiting for the highly touted, much-vaunted watering hole we know and love as Hanny’s to open, it’s been over three years—and God only knows how many martinis— since they’ve been in the fabled, renovated haberdashery from days of yore and became a downtown staple. If you’re looking for that hip, cosmopolitan place-to-see-and-be-seen scene and a place to that lends a little glamour and glitz to your night, Hanny’s fits the bill. But it’s more than just keeping up appearances; Hanny’s works hard at what they do. Three years ago their modest first menu featured a handful of sandwiches, salads and pizza. Hanny’s “tailored” their offerings and now they’re on menu version 4.0 with more of just about everything. In three short years the Asparagus with Egg appetizer verges on being a classic. One sunny-side-up egg over several hot, grilled and lightly buttered asparagus spears with shaved genuine Parmigiano-Regianno cheese imported from Italy. For $8 it’s a great way to start.

Hanny’s with a generous sprinkling of mushroom, bell pepper, black olives, onion, Italian three-cheese blend and tomato sauce. Add some Italian sausage for an extra treat. Light, but very satisfying, pizzas range from $9 to $11. If you’re looking for an entrée, you can’t pass up Hanny’s take on the classic Pork Milanese.This classic dish features a white marble pork loin pounded thin, breaded and seared to a crisp, topped with refreshing cucumber, radish and radish sprouts served with a delicate, yet flavor-packed lemon butter sauces, grilled new potato wedges and crispy onion strings. It’ll fill you up, but won’t weigh you down if you’ve got a night on the town planned. This elegant dish is $14. These warm—okay—downright hot— summer months make us appreciate something cool, fresh and crisp. Enjoy Nature’s bounty with one of their delightful salads. Hanny’s offers five amazing varieties of leafy green goodness, and the Chopped Salad is a favorite. You’ll get mixed greens, artichoke hearts, cherry

Another winner is the Bar Plate. A full platter featuring lean, succulent Prosciutto di Parma, chunks of Parmigiano-Regianno, stuffed green olives, Kalamata olives, pistachio nuts, slices of melon and ciabatta bread provide some tasty grazing for $9. Hanny’s thin-crust pizza is a standout. Seven different pizzas are available, with the Veggie Pizza as a favorite, September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 43


tomatos, red onion, avocado, mushroom, a sliced, hard-boiled egg, shaved Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, hearts of palm. It’s “all dressed up with someplace to go” with their Dijon balsamic vinaigrette dressing, all for $11. You can add beef, pork, prosciutto, soprasseta or lightly grilled shrimp for a nominal charge. Take our advice: go for the shrimp. Of course, no visit to Hanny’s would be complete without enjoying their expertly made cocktails that they’re famed for preparing. Try one of the classics, like a Negroni, Pimm’s Cup, a Pomegranate Julep, a Side Car or the gently perfumed St-Germain with elderflower liqueur. When the clock strike 12 enjoy their Petite Midnight Martinis for only $2.50 each. That’s a perfect way to greet the a.m. hours. I’m sure the tailors at Hanny’s remembered the old proverb, “A stitch in time saves nine.” It’s still true here; the bar and wait staff is quick, efficient and friendly. Not only that, the bar pours ‘til 1:30 a.m. and the kitchen cooks ‘til midnight.

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There’s always a spot for you at Hanny’s table for Sunday Supper, featuring a special menu including $10 pizza, select $5 wines and a DJ. That’s something you’ll be willing to say Grace for. Hanny’s may might not sell ties anymore, but you can still “tie” one on! Responsibly, of course! 40 N. First St. Phoenix, AZ 85004 602-252-2285 www.Hannys.net Mon-Fr: 11 a.m.-1:30 a.m. Sat. Sun: 5 p.m.-1:30 a.m.


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COOK Phoenix is a chance to sample culinary creations from many of Phoenix’s finest restaurants, and vote on your favorite restaurant while enjoying live entertainment, a festive atmosphere and live cooking demonstrations by celebrity chefs! COOK raises funds to help fund HRC’s efforts to ensure a nation where every citizen is treated equally, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. www.IONAZ.com September 2012

General Admission: $25 includes admission to the event, unlimited food tastings and an annual HRC membership. VIP Admission: $100 includes admission to the event, unlimited food tastings, complimentary non-alcohol/alcohol beverages all day, and an annual HRC membership. Tickets can be purchased online at www.hrc.org/COOKPhoenix Proud Sponsors


Exclusive!

Out Olympic Athlete

Ji

Wallace

Discusses Being Out in the Sports World, HIV, and the Gay Games

by Deon Brown photos by Gavin Jowitt 48 Deon www.IONAZ.com September 2012 by Brown


A mid all the hoopla of the Summer Olympic Games 2012 in London while Michael Phelps smashed records and spectators criticized U.S.A. gymnast’s Gabby Douglas’ hair, a surprised sports world listened when reporters and commentators announced that Australian Olympian Ji Wallace revealed he is HIV positive. Wallace won the silver medal for the Australian Men’s Gymnastics Team in the Trampoline event when his country hosted the Summer Games in Sydney, Australia in 2000. Wallace’s medal helped bring trampoline gymnastics to the forefront in competition. Common in backyards across Australia, the trampoline is steadily gaining greater recognition in the sports world and was featured in U.S. Olympic broadcast coverage. “It’s one of those sports commentators try to pick on or make fun of, but for anyone who’s seen a trampoline competition in action is blown away by the athleticism,” Wallace defended. “Not everybody has an Olympic-size pool, but nearly everybody has jumped on a trampoline. It’s very easy to make the association to what somebody did in their backyard to the crazy triple, September 2012 www.IONAZ.com

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or quadruple somersaults all in row at international competition. Divers do triple somersaults into water one time; we do it ten times in a row—one after another.” After his Olympic success Wallace toured around the world performing with the legendary Cirque du Soleil. A crushing injury to his foot in 2008 ended his career with the organization. Now 35-years-old, Ji Wallace is suddenly an inspiration for people living with HIV. And Ji is living large. Inspired partly by Olympic diver Greg Louganis who came out and also revealed his own HIV status in 1995, Wallace discussed the impact of his own announcement. “It’s been overwhelming to say the least. I read messages, ‘You’re amazing, it’s about time somebody stood up,’ but also the very personal and private messages from people all around the world who tell me that I’m the first person they’ve ever disclosed their status to,” he said.

ballgame. Wallace discussed the value of being seen and heard, as an “Out” Gay athlete, as well as an HIV positive athlete. “It’s a two-pronged approach. It proves to the rest of the world the Gay and Lesbian people are people first, who happen to be Gay, who happen to be Lesbian, and I just happen to have HIV. I can still function in society. I don’t have a horn, I don’t growl. It’s my world as much as it is anybody else’s,” Wallace said. “We have a place in it, too, but it also goes to prove to people living with HIV that anything’s possible.

“It’s still devastating that people around the world are ashamed and frightened to reveal their status to people who really count the most: their friends, their family; they’re searching for support. There’s 33 million people around the world infected with HIV, living with HIV and dying from AIDS and they need someone to stand up and make sure that they—plus the people who live close to them—are counted and they have a voice and are seen as part of the world,” Wallace believes. The Sports World has long been a bastion of homophobia that’s slow to change. Compounded with the possibility of HIV, it’s a different September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 51


“I’ve been invited to work with national and global initiatives to tackle the misinformed about what it means to live with HIV. I hope to be presenting at the 2014 World HIV/AIDS Conference in Melbourne. I’m also putting together the Ji Wallace Foundation to work in conjunction with an advocacy group here in Australia. The crux is to get tested and know your status message and a campaign to strip away the stigma of HIV.” Additionally, Wallace also serves as an Ambassador for the Federation of the Gay Games and will be at the Games in Cleveland in 2014 where they expect over 15,000 competitors— that’s more than the London Olympic Games with a grand total of 10,960 athletes. Wallace plans to compete in Men’s Water Polo. “It’s still competitive and my boyfriend, myself and my best mate want to participate. What better way to enjoy the Gay Games than putting on a pair of Speedos and hanging out with my friends? We need to learn how to swim a bit better—we’re all land animals,” he laughed. “Once we get that under our belts we’ll be fine. That’s what the Gay Games is all about: inclusion and participation.” The Olympic spirit never fades. “Once an Olympian, always an Olympian,” Wallace believes. Ji Wallace was photographed in Sydney, Australia in August 2012 by Gavin Jowitt exclusively for ION Arizona Magazine. www.GavinJowitt.com 52

www.IONAZ.com September 2012


End of Summer

MEltdown uction A t n e Sil e Prizes Raffl ar, Food Cash B

Pool Party! September 30, 2012 1pm – 5pm

The Phoenix Sunfish invite you to their third annual End of Summer Pool Party! This event is Hosted by The Phoenix Place Hotel & Suites (formerly the Radisson Hotel). A $15 cover charge gets you a raffle ticket, food and access to the festivities!

3600 North 2nd Ave Phoenix, AZ 85013

For more information or to make a donation, visit

www.phxsunfish.org


PHOTOS FERNANDO HERNANDEZ Direction kevin bushaw STyling Par Exsalonce jen botto Sadie Jones jonathan lively tristan newton model Phillippe fernandez


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FLAG FOOTBALL

THE HELLRAISERS phoenixflagfootball.ORG RYAN B. AND CJ MOORE

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PHOENIX STORM RUGBY FOOTBALL CLUB PHOENIXSTORM.ORG GRAHAM PARKER

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TONY AND JOSE VILLAREAL AND RICKY GONZALES

LEFT TO RIGHT

cactuscities.com/

CACTUS CITIES SOFTBALL League


SAND Volleyball

ARIZONA GAY VOLLEYBALL AZGV.ORG

COURT Volleyball

Desert Volleyball Alliance DesertVolleyballAlliance.ORG MATTHEW ROBITAILLE September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 63


19th Hole

to benefit

Golf Tournament

Saturday September 22 | 7am Tee Time Golf Vacation Giveways

Every golfer receives a certificate for 4-night stay in Cabo San Lucas with golf included daily!

Prizes and After Party

Raffles and prizes from The Phoenix Suns and Mercury Afterparty/BBQ lunch at IcePics 3108 E. Mcdowell Rd., Phoenix

Hole-In-One Contest

Win a New Car or $40,000 Cash! Every Hole-In-One on the Contest Hole Wins!

ONLY

$240

per foursome!

$60/person includes: round of golf, entry into Hole-In-One Contest and luncheon

Register your foursome online at 1vcc.org by Sept. 15th!


Quicksand Volleyball Tournament Bump it! Set it! Spike it at this 6-Man Sand (teams can have 4 to 8 players) AZGV Tournament on September 22 at Steele Indian School Park. Registration begins at 7:30 a.m., games begin at 8 a.m. $60 Registration fee day of play. $50 Early registration available until 9/20. www.AZGV.org

PUGBA Bowling Strike it up! Eat, drink, laugh with your friends, knock down some pins and avoid the gutters. Join a gay bowling league! With seven Phoenix Unified Gay Bowling Alliance (PUGBA) leagues throughout the Valley, there’s an opportunity to hit the lanes almost every night of the week. No experience is necessary as they have bowlers of every experience level. PUGBA.org

Capoeira Brasil Gay-Friendly Dance-Fighters! Capoeira is a Brazilian martial art that combines elements of dance and music. Probably not disco, though. This studio offers classes six days a week for people of all fitness levels. They also offer Samba classes for the peeps who are more “Lover” than “Fighter”. 4540 N. 7th St. #5, Phoenix. CapoeiraArizona.com Featured Player: Vahana Dorcis

SEPTEMBER 2012 ION SPORTS LISTING DATES All Week All Week Mondays Tues & Thurs Tuesdays Thursdays Fri & Sun Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Mon 17 & 24 Thurs 20 Sat 22 Sat 22 26 & 27 10/3 & 4 10/10 & 11 10/13

SPORT/LEAGUE EVENT/LOCATION WEBSITE PUGBA Bowling All Over Town! PUGBA.org Capoeira Brasil Practices Six Days a Week CapoeriaBrasil.com Sunfish Swimming Swim Practice / ASU SRC PhoenixSunfish.org Storm Rugby Rugby Practices (Starts Sept. 15) Phxstorm.org Sunfish Swimming Swim Practice / Christown YMCA PhoenixSunfish.org Sunfish Swimming Swim Practice / Christown YMCA PhoenixSunfish.org PHX Tennis Alliance Open Play / Phoenix Tennis Center phoenixtennisalliance.com Sunfish Swimming Swim Practice / ASU SRC PhoenixSunfish.org Volleyball / DVA $5 Open Play / Sports Club at City Square DesertVolleyballAlliance.org Flag Football Hellraisers New Player Clinics / Colter Park PhoenixFlagFootball.com AZ Gay Volleyball Open Play / Indian Steele Park AZGV.org AZ Gay Volleyball Season Kickoff Party / Plazma AZGV.org AZ Gay Volleyball Quicksand V-Ball Tourney / Steele Park AZGV.org Golf / 1 Voice C.C. Tournament / Rolling Hills Golf Course 1VCC.org FREE Pre-Season Open Play / Sports Club at City Square DesertVolleyballAlliance.org Volleyball/ DVA Volleyball/ DVA FREE Pre-Season Open Play / Sports Club at City Square DesertVolleyballAlliance.org Volleyball/ DVA Fall Season Begins / Sports Club at City Square DesertVolleyballAlliance.org Storm Rugby Bootcamp & Team BBQ Phxstorm.org September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 65


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SePTEMBER 2012

MASTERS SWIM TEAM phxsunfish.ORG Lyndsey Schiller-puente, David Dotson,, And bryan lubbs

PHOENIX SUNFISH


I know mine.

W O KN S R YOU

Do you know yours?

Get tested.

swhiv.org/POKE A Project of

JOIN US AT RAINBOWS FESTIVAL - OCT 6 & 7 Additional Funding provided by Ryan White Parts A & C and Maricopa County Department of Public Health. Funding provided by the Federal Department of Health and Human Services Administration, the Ryan White HIV/AIDS Treatment Extension Acot of 2009, the Maricopa County Business Strategies and 68 www.IONAZ.com September 2012 Health Care Programs Department and Maricopa Integrated Health System.


SEPTEMBER 2012

Vol. 6, Issue 4

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Prince Harry Hocks Crown Jewels OUTRAGEOUS!

chip your teeth,” LONDON— laughed Harry. The After a sexy ginger prince is romp in a Las distant third in line Vegas hotel suite for the big money with a couple of on the throne, with trashy American his chance of ruling girls in a ebbing further away friendly game of with Duchess Kate’s Nakey Billiards, bun in the oven. England’s zany, madcap, redheaded Harry was seen wearing an firecrotch Prince enormous necklace Harry plans of a diamond on plundering encrusted phallus, Grandmum’s once belonging to jewelry box in King Henry VIII. the Tower of London and “The royal fortune selling a few ain’t what it used to choice “crown be, luv,” the Prince jewels” of his commented. “I’ve own.RESEMBLANCE Since ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL got to take care of a few risqué meself.” snapshots surfaced on The Prince is the salacious looking at sponsorship opportunities for scandalmonger’s TMZ web site royal Burger King where he’ll give new meaning to watchers are frantically looking for pics of “Home of the Whopper!” Harry’s “Spotted Dick.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! “Oi! I’ve got a set of amethysticles that’ll

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OUTRAGEOUS! Purina Introduces New “Chow” Line

ST. LOUIS, Mo.—Puppy Chow. Cat Chow. Rabbit Chow. Even Monkey Chow. Since 1894 the RalstonPurina PetCare Company has been fulfilling the dietary needs and filling the bellies ANY RESEMBLANCE of America’s furry friends.

minerals, but it’s also flavored with things they love, like Skittles, Red Bull, Doritos, pizza and Starbucks Frappucinos. You should see how those little Twinks gobble it up! But they’ll only eat alone. Their friends TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL can’t see them eat for some reason.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS

Other specialty Research and blends from Development Purina will include at the corporate “Krazy Kibble” kitchens are for the clinically expanding the insane homeless menus of the population, company’s to “G.O.P. Grub” reach a broader for Republicans demographic who suffer from beyond pets and animals. Purina is trouble with gastroenteritis and their introducing a variety of nutritional goodies ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY conscience, “Democratic Diet”ACCIDENTAL for liberals and grub for a wide variety of your human with a bleeding-heart condition and have friends, too. trouble saying, “No” to that extra-helping of anything—additional sales taxes will “We counting on the success of ‘Twinkie apply to this kibble. “Rich Rations” is high Chow,’” said one Purina dietician. “For in fat and formulated especially for those all those young Gay boys out there under with a six-figure income. “Ex-Con Eatables” the age of 21 we’ve developed a some will be exclusively for those leaving penal vittles that’ll keep ‘em strong, healthy— institutions. and really, really skinny—for a long, long time. Sure, it’s full of a few vitamins and

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS September TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL 2012 www.IONAZ.com 71


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PANDORA BOXX

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by Addison DeWitt

A

t press time (gosh, how I love to say that! Just like in the movies!) we’re suffering through the chest-thumping, drumbanging and hog-calling of the Republican National Convention. Speaking of hogs, that was right about when the porcine New Jersey Governor Chris Christie started speechifyin’ while Mitt Romney was applying Grecian Formula for Men to the everexpanding/retracting grey at his temples. I find it hard to believe that a Mormon candidate and his prim wife, Ann, know the words to “Bawitdaba” by Kid Rock, who’ll be performing at the convention. Fortunately, the Dems will have the glamorous Eva Longoria as Obama’s Campaign Co-Chair and the fabulous B-52s will be performing during the DNC Donkey Con promoting four more years of Obama’s Hopey-Changey stuff. (I’m waiting for my invitation and I am still available, Mr. President.) Obama the Osama Killer better win, because I want you to know that Terrorism is still very, very real. Just ask the precious, brave Michael Arbizo (pictured top), a Costco “Sample Lady” who was trapped in the warehouse for hours due to a bomb threat at the 19th Avenue CripsTown location. Girl, that’s what happens when you tell that scary man with turban, “No more Taquitos for you, bitch! (Only $14.99 for 50 on Aisle 18)!” 80

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Gone With The Wind. Doctor Zhivago. War & Peace. Lawrence of Arabia. The Bible—I’m talkin’ Old Testament. The Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant. What do they all have in common? Epic. Historic. Marathon. Sure. And long. Very, very long. After the hours ticked by like—well, like hours—eventually one queen was selected as the winner of the pageant: Tucson’s very own Di Va (pictured center left) who’s fabulous beauty, talent, personality, charm and also no doubt her superhuman ability to stand in high heels longer than any other queen in the competition. Congratulations to all the worthy competitors (and the audience) who witnessed hemline styles in the fashion industry change fifteen times by the time the pageant ended. By the wee hours of the morning when Di Va was crowned the girls had beards as long as the old guys on Smith Brothers’ Cough Drops. (see picture) I kid, I kid. (Sort of!) But special thanks go out to that pageant’s precious promoter Daniel Eckstrom (pictured center right) for a fantastic spectacle! And if there’s one thing I know when I see it, is a good spectacle. And as a matter of fact, Daniel is being honored as one of the 40 Hispanic Leaders Under 40. If the other hispanic hombres being honored there are as handsome as Daniel, I’ll buy a front row ticket. Right next to Clayton McKee.


Phoenix  

602.993.4567 Tucson        

520.791.2345

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September 2012 www.IONAZ.com 81


Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

L

ook for the Autumnal Equinox on the 22nd. Make the most of that day and night. Your chances for success 50/50. Sound like crap shoot? It is. That’s life! You reap what you sow; the Harvest Moon is on the 29th.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

“All systems go ... blast-off!” You’ll be entering a very different Space Odyssey when the New Moon occurs on the 19th. Just make sure your rocketship is in good working order. A Scorpio covets your favorite possession. Keep your eyes open.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

The “Moon Illusion” makes objects appear closer at the horizon line. You’ll see something that looks within your grasp slightly more elusive. It may be for the best. Grab an easy-to-catch Capricorn when they’re not paying attention. That’s most of the time.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Nature’s bounty comes your way with the Harvest Moon. Be an “ant” and stock up the pantry for later. You’ll find a “grasshopper” comes begging for a handout. That “grasshopper” looks an awful lot like an Aries.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You’ve got that ol’ devil moon in your eyes. And, boy, do you need to get them examined, because your night vision ain’t workin’, baby. A Sagittarius is scheming but you’ll find a Libra has your back.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

“Uranus is at opposition on the 29th. Only the strongest telescopes can see it.” Funny, it may be a tiny dot from this distance, but yours looks big and more than accommodating from where we stand. Be discreet. Be particular. A Taurus wants to explore your outer and inner space. 82

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The stars in your eyes may affect your vision and judgement. In the morning sun you’ll say, “What was I thinking!?” If you’re celebrating a birthday you’ll explode like a supernova that leaves a critical Leo amazed and delighted.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

There’s a Big Bang Theory that explains a lot about you: you’re extremely hot and expanded rapidly. If it’s your birthday you can expect a Big Bang of your own around the equinox with a Scorpio who wants to check out your cosmic microwaves.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Pretend you’re NASA’s Martian rover “Curiosity” and discover the surface of a foreign body. Just don’t broadcast the images to everybody with your smart phone. We know how you are. Stargazing with an Aquarius is in the cards.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

You’ll experience a total eclipse of the heart but everything will be illuminated too soon. Turn around, Bright Eyes. Seriously. Turn around! A Virgo has stars in their eyes.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Venus and Jupiter are showcased for early risers. You’re not an early riser, but you may just be getting home right about then. Invite a wild Pisces to see your launching pad and you’ll take a trip around the world.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Just when Mars swings past the star Zubenelgenubi in Libra on the 14th (we kid you not. Look it up.) you’ll be swinging with a Cancer who’ll take you to the stars and back. Better tighten up Orion’s Belt. You’re eating too many Milky Ways.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You’ll discover a Black Hole in your lifestyle that prevents anything from escaping. Speaking of Black Holes that prevent anything from escaping ... there’s a Gemini out there who’s a little psychotic for you.


presents:

10.6.12 - 10.7.12 Heritage Square Park 10am - 6pm FREE Admission phoenixpride.org



ION Arizona #135